Fireworks
by Caseworker-14
Summary: Post New Moon. Bella's dreams finally come true in what had once seemed like an impossible turn of events, but the Cullens are about to bite several bullets for her and they will have to pull together as a family to get through it. Will they survive? R
1. Chapter 1: After Graduation

**Author's Note: This is my first Twilight fanfiction. I have written other fanfictions, but never in this category. Anyway, I really hope you like it! Any reviews are greatly appreciated!**

**Fireworks**

**By: Alexandra Lucier**

**Chapter 1: After Graduation**

"So, Bella," I knew Charlie was struggling to make casual conversation as dinner drew to a close, "what are you planning on doing after dinner?" He knew perfectly well what I was planning on doing, but he still tried his best to ignore the inevitable truth. I chose not to let it bother me tonight.

"Edward's coming over, Dad." I reminded him for what must have been the thousandth time. It was a tradition now, it seemed. The same thing happened after dinner every Friday night. And I always got the same reaction from Charlie. He didn't try to hide the fact that he didn't like my boyfriend. On some level, I suppose I didn't blame him. After all, in Charlie's eyes 'that Cullen boy' had hurt his little girl pretty badly. Almost to the point of death. I acknowledged this, but I had long-since forgiven him. After everything that had happened, how could I not? He deserved much more than my forgiveness after all, but at the moment that was all I could give him…or rather, all he would _let _me give him.

Charlie raised both eyebrows meaningfully. This always drove me crazy. "What time?" He asked, criticism and disapproval reigning supreme in his tone.

I did my best to match his authority with my own tone. "Any minute now." I retorted strongly, glancing up at the clock as I said so. My heart leapt at the thought. I was certain he wasn't far away as it was…he was never far away. I couldn't help but smile at this notion. I knew it was true. Dear Edward was never far from my side, even if he appeared to be for a little while. It wasn't in his nature to leave me unprotected. Unsupervised. I was sure that if I were to hang my head out the kitchen window right this second and call his name, he would be there, waiting to be invited in.

But before I could say another word to Charlie on the matter, there was a brisk knock at the front door to our small, two-bedroom house. A familiar knock. I knew that knock. And smiled.

I practically leapt from the table and made my way to the door, stumbling only slightly as I did so. Charlie stood as well, but didn't come to the door as a polite father-of-the-girlfriend should. Instead he commenced the nightly ritual of clearing the table while I answered the door alone. I knew he wanted nothing to do with Edward. That was okay…because I did.

Grasping the doorknob, I flung open the door to reveal that perfect figure that belonged to none other than Edward Cullen standing in the doorframe, one hand leaning against it coolly. He was in his leather jacket; my favorite to see him in, and he grinned broadly when he saw me. All at once I was lost in his eyes yet again. "H-h-hi." I stammered through strained breaths as he smiled my favorite crooked smile.

"Hello." He responded casually and stepped through the doorframe and into the front room. Taking a step toward him, I angled my face upward to kiss his lips, but he stopped me, lifting his head out of reach and using it instead to glance around anxiously. "Where's Charlie?" He asked, his velvety voice self-conscious.

I smiled, understanding now. "He's cleaning up dinner."

Edward chuckled softly and bent his head down towards mine again. "Oh," he breathed airily, his cool breath sending a cascade of chills down my spine as it grazed my skin, "well, in that case…" He let his voice trail off as his lips touched mine finally, softly brushing against them for the briefest moment before he pulled away. I wanted to hang on, but I knew if we took too long Charlie would come looking for us.

Taking Edward by the hand, I led him into the kitchen (Charlie would never allow us out of his sight) and sat him down at the kitchen table, which he quickly vacated again for me. I sighed and rolled my eyes in defeat, but did not sit down. I had something I needed to ask Charlie anyway. My father hadn't even acknowledged Edward's arrival; not so much as one word so I knew there was little chance of my suggestion being taken seriously.

"Um, Dad?" I started uncertainly and Charlie merely grunted in reply. "I was just wondering, today's the fourth of July and, well, they're having fireworks out on Baker's Hill tonight. I always loved the fireworks. Ever since I was little…" I was beginning to run out of words to stall with. I would have to get to the point sometime. I just wasn't sure if now was the time to be asking a favor of Charlie. "And I was just thinking, it might be fun for us to go. You know, me and you. Father and daughter again."

Charlie turned from the dishes now and looked at me, a suspicious glint in his dark eyes. Raising one eyebrow, he sincerely seemed to consider the idea for a moment before answering, shaking his head no as he did so. "I don't know, Bells." He replied cynically as he turned away from me and back to the dishes. (Just the fact that he was doing the dishes was a testimony to how mad he truly was). "July's a busy time for us down at the station and I'm on duty tonight." He then glanced over his shoulder at me, feigning a disappointed expression. "Sorry, honey."

But before I could answer, Edward stood, a hopeful look on his perfect features. "I'll take her, Charlie." He offered kindly. My heart leapt at the prospect. Edward and I alone together under those colorful, blasting lights. It could be very romantic…although I _had _been hoping to go with Charlie so that I could make amends with my father while he was in a good mood. And what better way to put him in a good mood than to offer to spend some quality time with him? But now, it seemed, that possibility was out, and so I grinned up at Edward before he draped one arm across my tiny shoulders and both of us looked at Charlie hopefully.

But Charlie turned from the dishes now, a frustrated expression on his normally mellow face. He pointed one, rude finger in Edward's direction. "It's Chief Swan to you." He corrected, his tone losing all traces of politeness.

"Dad!" I scolded, but before I could continue, Charlie had turned his pointed finger on me. "And you," he started again, more stern than I had ever heard him before, "you aren't going anywhere with him. You know the rules. No exceptions." Shoot. I had really been looking forward to seeing the fireworks for the first time since I was quite little. And having Edward there would have been a delectable bonus. But that wasn't going to happen now.

Edward removed his hand from my shoulder and held up both hands in a non-threatening surrender. "I apologize, Chief Swan." He told him, genuinely polite. "It was not my place. I shouldn't have said anything."

This made my heart double its time with rage. Why was Edward always so polite in the face of those who weren't? Didn't he know that he didn't only have to be a gentleman to my father? Why wouldn't he stick up for himself? Of course, I knew the answer to all of these questions. It was simply in his nature. Still, sometimes it was difficult to understand. Then Edward went a step further. "Well, I'll leave you two in peace." He diplomatically dismissed himself and headed for the door, clearly seeing that he was no longer welcome here.

I followed him, desperate that he stay. "Edward, you don't have to go." I told him as firmly as I could manage as we reached the door and he stepped out onto the porch, but then he leaned down and whispered in my ear those four words that always made me fall in love with him all over again. "I'm never far away." That said, he turned and disappeared into the rain, before I had a chance to say goodbye. But that didn't matter. I was still smiling anyway. And only I knew why.

Charlie and I spent the evening in silence. I excused myself to go upstairs to my room the moment I thought all suspicion would be gone from my father's head. I told him I was going up to finish some homework. Fortunately for me, Charlie was watching one of his precious games on T.V. and didn't seem to process the fact that I had already graduated and summer had started. I didn't have homework. Still, when he didn't comment on the lie and merely nodded absentmindedly, I thanked God and took the stairs two at a time up to my room, careful not to trip.

I was disappointed when I didn't find Edward there, but then I knew why. I heard the stairs creek outside my bedroom door and was certain Charlie was listening in, if not spying somehow. Edward was not about to get me in trouble. And so I spent the rest of my before-bed time reading my favorite book, writing an e-mail to my crazy mother and finally, showering and putting on my tank-top and silky pajama pants. When I returned to my room, I could hear the television blaring downstairs and new hat Charlie would not be coming back up tonight to check on me.

Grinning, I clambered into bed and switched off the light. That's when I heard them. That magnificent sound…I sighed somewhat longingly. I wanted to go so badly. I could hear the fireworks blasting in the distance. They must have just started, I assured myself as I tried to block the sound out so I wouldn't be disappointed at not going, but before I could so much as close my eyes, two cold lips pressed themselves to my hair and one cold, hard arm wrapped itself around me. Smiling comfortingly, I snuggled up so my back was against his chest. I should've known he'd be here before long.

He kissed my neck, my jaw-line and then finally, the hollow beneath my ear. Then I heard his smooth, velvety voice as it whispered in my ear, "Wanna go to the fireworks?"


	2. Chapter 2: Sneaking Out

**Chapter 2: Sneaking Out**

Grasping Edward's hand tightly, I couldn't help but snicker as we snuck around the front of the house, ducking under the living room window where we were certain Charlie was still watching his game, if he hadn't already fallen asleep in his chair. (He had taken to sleeping downstairs in case I tried anything funny. Clearly, that did little for my antics).

I tripped over a root just below the window as we ran, bent over so close to the ground already that I didn't have far to fall. But Edward's chilled arms hit me like strong, safe stones as he caught me. I laughed and he quickly covered my mouth with the hand that was not holding mine, although he was grinning broadly too. This was turning out to be fun already.

Once clear of the window, I ran blindly to my truck, but my fingers had just barely closed around the cold metal of the door handle when Edward jerked me back, pulling me away from my beloved vehicle. "No way!" He whispered harshly as we ran in the opposite direction. "That's sure to get Charlie's attention."

I remembered my 1950's truck's thunderous engine and quickly agreed. I hadn't thought of that. I was certainly glad to have Edward here. Then again, wasn't I always?

We reached Baker's Hill with plenty of time to enjoy the remaining explosions of color. After all, I was sure that Edward could run faster than my truck could ever drive…maybe. But we'd certainly made it there in good time.

Edward found a vacant spot on the hillside and stopped. "Bella…Bella, you can let go now." He reminded me with an amused chuckle. I didn't move. The chilled night air had frozen me to his back along with the pure adrenaline I felt whenever he ran with me. I tried to let go, but my fingers refused to pry loose it seemed. He tried lowering me gently to the ground, bending down so I could relax into the grass. I managed to release my hands, but my legs didn't seem to want to cooperate.

Clearly under the impression that he was free, Edward tried to stand up again, but with my legs still wrapped around his waist, he was surprised when gravity spun him around and he lost his balance on the slope of the hill. This took me by surprise. I had never seen Edward fall before. But sometime told me he may very well be feigning just so he had an excuse to laugh with me again. And we did.

He landed directly on top of me as I had landed on my back in the grass. He fell forward onto me, our bodies crashing together with a euphoric and laughable thud. He roared with laughter as did I as we lay there, trying to get our bearings on the hillside. "Oh, Bella," he chuckled between fits of humor, "I think your own clumsiness may be spreading to me." But I knew better. Edward Cullen was not clumsy in the least. In fact he had more grace than ten of the most graceful people I had ever met put together. He couldn't have fallen unintentionally.

I spoke my thoughts. "Well," I laughed airily as I wrapped both arms around his back, pressing him closer to me, "I think you may have just wanted another chance to kiss me." I told him strongly, affirmatively.

He chuckled again. "Is that so?" He asked, his voice quieting, but he was already leaning down, his face falling onto mine, his lips caressing mine. After a moment he broke from me, but I wasn't about to let him go so quickly this time. Without a word, I put one hand on the back of his neck, my fingertips feeling the silky texture of his hair and pulled him down to me again. This kiss was stronger, more passionate. His hands encircled my back, somehow knitting themselves between me and the earth beneath me.

I smiled through the kiss as I felt his lips moving against mine, so tender, yet so passionate. I could tell he was being careful not to rest his full weight on my small frame, but even if he did I don't think I would have minded. I liked the feeling of his weight on top of me, pressing me to him, against him. I never wanted to break apart. I felt dizzy. My head began to swim…

Just then, however, there was a bone-shattering blast of green and yellow overhead and Edward quickly shifted so he was next to me, only half on me. Our lips broke apart. There was another blast; blue this time. I grinned as I watched. We couldn't have picked a better spot. The fireworks were directly overhead. I hadn't even noticed that my breathing was labored. I was panting from the ordeal. I was glad that Edward seemed to be able to handle these little bursts of affection much more easily than he used to. He could kiss me for several minutes without ever needing to recollect himself. To swallow the urge that grew bigger inside of him the closer we were. The smell of my blood…

This reminded me of something in particular. As I watched the fireworks, I knew he was watching my face. The reflection of the light off of my pale skin. His eyes were terribly distracting.

Finally, I looked at him instead of the fireworks. "Edward," I said in a questioning voice, careful to choose my words very, _very _selectively, "are you going to let Carlisle change me if you won't?" The words spilled out of me before I could stop them and before I had a chance to rephrase the matter, Edward looked hurt and even a little annoyed.

"Bella," he sighed in an obviously aggravated tone, "why tonight? Why do you always have to bring _that _up?"

Now I was the one who looked hurt. His emphasis on the word 'that' only confirmed my suspicions. He was putting it off. He was testing to see how long I would wait if I wanted him to change me instead of his father. He was playing the field, so to speak. And I wasn't having any of it. "You knew it would have to come up sooner or later after graduation." I reminded him softly, careful not to press any undesirable buttons. "And it _is _going to happen, Edward. Whether you like it or not. And you _will _like it once it is done."

"Bella," his sigh was bigger this time, more irritated, but I didn't give him the chance to finish. "You can't put it off forever." I assured him, my voice softening. "At least tell me what you're thinking so I can give Carlisle an answer sometime soon."

His answer was swift. "I'm thinking that I don't want to put you through that pain. I'm thinking I can't break the treaty or it could start a war. Someone could be hurt, Bella…" He let his voice trail off as it quieted. I looked up at him seriously.

"Who says they have to find out?" I retorted smartly, sure that Edward wouldn't need to ask who I was talking about. Yes, who said Jake and the others have any right to know that I was going to become a vampire? Who said they would be told…?

"Bella, they could have sources beyond our wildest dreams." Edward promised me. "They're going to find out sooner or later."

"Well, I think this whole war business is just stupid."

Edward raised his eyebrows at me.

"Yes, stupid." I repeated. "Why do vampires and werewolves have to be mortal enemies? Why can't they just get along?"

Now Edward laughed. "You don't know what you're saying." He said now, a smile playing on his beautiful lips, but I merely looked up at him smartly. "Don't I?" I asked, shocked that he'd say such a thing, but he only shook his head. "No." He repeated. "You don't."

I adopted a sly smile on my features. "Well, maybe I know more than you _think_!" Grabbing a fistful of grass from the hillside, I stuffed it down the back of his shirt before he had a chance to react. "Bella!" He shouted in obvious surprise, but I had gotten to my feet and was now running in the opposite direction. I knew I could never outrun him, but I thought I might be able to make this interesting…

Shaking the freshly-picked grass from his shirt, Edward stood now as well and chased after me. He caught me in seconds and I screamed in mock-surprise, laughing as he wrestled me to the ground. I struggled against him, still giggling hysterically, but the giggling stopped abruptly as he forced my forearms to the ground on either side of my head, pinning me down with the rest of his body. His eyes grew serious and mine did as well now simply as a reaction. "I love you." He whispered so quietly I almost didn't hear him. I opened my mouth to tell him I did too, but his lips covered it before I could make a sound.


	3. Chapter 3: While the Cat's Away

**Author's Note: I know this one's pretty short, but it's kinda leading up to some good stuff. I really hope everyone likes it! And thank you so much for the reviews so soon! Keep 'em coming!**

**Chapter 3: While the Cat's Away…**

"Good morning." For a moment I thought it was the gentle morning rays of sun that were kissing me awake. Then I remembered that I lived in Forks, and I realized it was Edward's lips. They were on my temple, and then my eyelid, then the side of my nose and finally the corner of my mouth. Moaning pleasurably, I stretched. I vaguely recalled the night before. I knew we'd gone to the fireworks and had a wonderful time. Then Edward had taken me home. That must have been when I'd fallen asleep: the moment my head hit the pillow.

Recoiling from the stretch, I shifted my weight on the mattress so my ear rested over his still, cold heart. I didn't want to open my eyes. Even as I felt his hand on the back of my shoulder, holding me against his chest, I wouldn't open my eyes. I breathed in his sweet, icy scent. It reminded me of that really intense chewing gum that tastes so strongly of mint and ice, that it burns your tongue. "I love you." I murmured so quietly I couldn't be sure if he heard. But then his lips were on my hair and I knew. And then he was getting up.

Only then did I open my eyes. "Where are you going?" I asked disdainfully as he pulled himself up from the bed. "Charlie will be coming in to wake you up soon enough." Edward assured me softly as he bent over the bed one last time to kiss my lips in a quick peck. "And he has something important to tell you. He's worried it'll cause problems."

My eyebrows flew up and I perched myself up on the mattress on one elbow. "What is it?" I asked, a little concerned now, but Edward was already at the window.

"You'll find out soon enough." He sighed as he disappeared out of the frame. I watched him go and for a moment felt like crying. The lines of how long we were together were slowly widening, making the time we were apart shorter. Every time he left it felt as though he were taking a little piece of my heart with him. I would just have to stop letting him go, I decided. But then I was quickly reminded of his favorite saying to me and smiled. _I am never far away. _I would see him again soon enough.

I dressed quickly, yanking my hair brush through my deep brown tangles before pulling it up into a casual ponytail and trudging downstairs, feigning a yawn when I saw Charlie in the kitchen, a newspaper and coffee on the table in front of him.

"Oh," he looked surprised, "Bells. I was just coming to wake you up."

I almost replied with "I know," but caught myself and merely nodded as though in fresh understanding before I seated myself at the table across from him.

He folded his newspaper and placed it down on the table before taking a brief sip from his coffee mug. Then he looked at me purposefully and sighed. "Bella, listen," he breathed carefully and for a moment I worried about what he had to say, and then he put my mind at ease, "I have to go away this weekend. Just for the weekend. I'm leaving on Saturday morning and coming back Sunday night. Billy Black invited me on an extended fishing trip." He looked as though he were bracing himself for impact, but the truth was, my heart was soaring. "Is that…okay?" He asked slowly, quietly.

I tried not to answer too quickly. "Yes, Dad, that's fine."

"You're sure? Because I don't have to go if you need me here…" He let his voice trail off.

"Really, Dad. It's cool."

"You'll be okay alone in the house for a couple of days?"

_Well, I'm not actually planning on being alone… _"Yeah, Dad. I'm eighteen years old. I think I can handle it."

Now Charlie laughed, clearly relieved and I struggled with my own euphoria, doing my best not to show it as a smile slowly crept onto my face. I stood from the table and made my way to the bright yellow cabinets, reaching for a bowl and spoon. But now Charlie seemed braver when he didn't have to speak to my face.

"And I don't want that boy in here while I'm gone." He told me firmly, meaningfully. "Ever."

I suppressed a smile. "Sure, Dad. Whatever you say."


	4. Chapter 4: Dinner

**Author's Note: I just want to thank everybody again so much for the reviews. I wasn't expecting so many people to love it when I first got started. Anyway, hope you like the next little bit. I know the story line's kind of slow now, but I promise, just like in the real books, it's about to get REALLY exciting.**

**I would also like to apologize for the delay. Fanfiction was down for some reason.**

**Chapter 4: Dinner**

I spent the rest of the day in an ecstatic haze. Saturday just couldn't come fast enough, I decided. It was already Thursday, so I suppose I didn't have _that _long to go, but still, it felt like an eternity to me. I decided that Edward and I would go out Saturday night. Or maybe we would stay in, depending on what he wanted to do. But I was hoping we could make it an official date. We hadn't had many of those since my father banned him from seeing me outside of his own supervision.

I didn't care that I was breaking the rules. It was just all too perfect. We had the entire house – and one entire night – to ourselves! Could life get any better? I wondered briefly what we could do with one entire night…and shuddered with the possibilities. I wouldn't be sleeping. That much I knew for certain. I wasn't wasting an entire night alone in the house with Edward by sleeping.

I assumed he already knew. How could he not? He must have been listening to Charlie's thoughts throughout the entire conversation. Still, it made me more than anxious to know that I wouldn't be seeing him for another several hours…or more. Without school it had become harder to find excuses to see Edward. Other than when he came over every night of course, but that only made the days unbearably long sometimes.

Charlie took me out for dinner on Friday night, claiming that he was just 'itching' to spend some quality father/daughter time with me. But I knew what he was trying to do. And it wouldn't work. I would still see Edward tonight when he climbed in my window once I was in bed…despite Charlie's efforts.

I was surprised to find that I had a good time at dinner, however. I ordered a coke and chicken with a side of fried vegetables. It all settled quite well in my stomach and by the time the waitress came to collect our empty dishes, my father and I were deep in conversation.

"You know, Bella," he began with that same, careful edge to his voice as he spoke (he always did this when he was about to say something he was particularly uncomfortable talking about), "you can still always talk to me…about…anything."

This confused me. "I know, Dad." I assured him disconnectedly, as though I wasn't really certain what he was trying to say.

"What I mean is," Charlie began again, "I don't want our relationship to fall to pieces just because of…of everything that's been happening."

I cringed.

"I don't want you to think that I don't love you anymore or that I don't want you to be happy, because I do, Bella. I do want you to be happy." He reached across the table then with one hand and placed the palm of his hand against my cheek, smiling the smallest of smiles.

When he finally withdrew, I nodded, desperate to make sure he knew exactly how I was feeling. "I know, Dad." I assured him quickly. "Really. It's okay. I know why you're doing everything you're doing and believe me when I say that I truly deserve it." I wasn't sure this was entirely true. After all, I'd had my reasons for running off to Italy while my dad was at his friend's funeral to rescue the man I loved – and who'd hurt me, but that was beside the point – without telling Charlie and then flying home a few days later, appearing on my father's doorstep in the arms of that same man – whom my father now hated with a fiery passion – and not being able to explain any of it coherently. But still, I could see Charlie's point.

But now Charlie's eyebrows knit together in a way that told me I had said something wrong. _Uh oh…_

"You don't really think that, do you?" He asked me seriously, still not untangling his eyebrows.

I was confused. "What?"

"Do you really think I'm doing all this to punish you?"

"You're not?"

"Oh, Bells, honey!" Suddenly Charlie was on his feet, pulling his chair over so he could sit next to me. He draped one arm across my shoulders and frowned. "Of course not. I want to protect you, Bella. Not punish you."

Now I understood a little better what he was trying to say. "Oh."

"'Oh' is right!" Charlie persisted, laughing to both himself and me in obvious shock. Then he softened again. "Bella, I love you. I love you so much." He then leaned over and kissed my hair softly, playing with it between his rough, old fingers. He tangled one strand around his index finger and then tucked it behind my ear. It was almost enough to make me feel badly for wanting to leave my humanity behind! Almost.

Then I thought of something else. "But, really, Dad. I don't need to be protected. Least of all from Edward." I watched Charlie's expression carefully, wondering if this would trigger another fatherly instinct that I would later regret. It didn't look like it so I continued. "I know you don't like what he did to me. But believe it or not, he did it for _me. _So _I _wouldn't get hurt. He loves me, Daddy." I slipped in the word 'Daddy' for Charlie's benefit, hoping it would soften him ever so slightly. I had to admit, there was a chance it would only enhance the idea in Charlie that I was innocent and naive, but I was hoping it would go in the other direction.

"He would lay down his life for me." I pressed on, but that's when Charlie interrupted. "Ah, you say that now." He pointed an accusing finger in my direction. "But just you wait. High school romances never last, sweetheart, no matter how much you want them to at the time."

"First of all," I countered a little more sharply than intended, "I'm not in high school anymore, so, technically, that argument doesn't count. And second, it's not like that, Dad. You have to believe me. This isn't like any other high school romance." I thought briefly about telling him about the time Edward had proposed to me after he snuck into my room late one night through my window, as he always did. But I was hasty to dismiss that idea since I might have to rush Charlie to the emergency room for a coronary as a result.

So I went in another direction. "Edward is…Edward is…" I struggled to find the words to describe my God-like boyfriend. If they were out there, they were difficult to discover. "Edward would never _ever _hurt me." I started again. "He's so…kind and compassionate. He's loving and giving and…and the truth is, I don't know what I would do without him." I stopped momentarily, wondering if this was an appropriate conversation to be having with my father. Finally though, I decided that whether it was or not, it was something he needed to hear. "And he's so…good-looking." The word slipped out before I could stop it and I braced myself for a verbal thrashing from my father, but, to my surprise, it never came. Maybe he was in too much of a good mood tonight.

Charlie laughed, thoroughly shocking me to my very core. "Well," he chuckled after he'd managed to compose himself, "_please, _tell me he's got a flaw _somewhere_."

I cracked a smile now too. These were words I hadn't expected to hear from Charlie in the least. Maybe I was finally getting through to him. Then I thought about his question and my smile faded. "Just one." I replied quietly, an underlying tone of sorrow in my voice.

Charlie frowned and raised his eyebrows. "And what's that?" He wondered aloud, a little too curious for his own good.

I knew I was staring at nothing in particular. My eyes always did that when I was deep in thought, like I was staring into the future…or into the past. But I thought hard before I answered the question. "He cares about me too much." I responded seriously.

Now Charlie laughed again, but ever so softly this time. "Now," he breathed when he was sure I was looking at him again, "how could that possibly be a bad thing?"

I nodded. "Oh, it can." I assured him. "Trust me." But then I looked up again and caught the expression on Charlie's features. I would have to regroup before I let too much slip. "The point is," I back-pedaled, "I love him, Dad. More than anything in this world."

Suddenly though, Charlie flashed me a pair of pained puppy-dog eyes that didn't look entirely fake. He stuck his bottom lip out for dramatic effect and I knew he was at least partly joking. "More than me?" He squeaked purposefully. I felt my heart start to panic in my chest. This was the question that I'd always prayed to God I would never have to answer. For the moment however, it seemed God had other plans. But I quickly and masterfully arranged my features to impress upon my father that this question was much, much easier to answer than it actually was. Then I laughed. "Of course not." I confirmed with an affectionate smile as I leaned over and pecked Charlie sweetly on the cheek.

This seemed like the right answer to give in a situation like this. It came easily, like an instinctive reflex that was built in with the dawning of evolution to increase survival rates, but I was unable to convince myself, it seemed, that it was true.

It was late by the time we got home. I could see that Charlie had done everything in his power to make sure I didn't see Edward tonight. But, despite his efforts, I knew I would still be reunited with him the moment I walked through my bedroom doorway. Charlie had done everything he could think of to stall us heading back home. He'd ordered dessert, which I continually rejected due to the huge dinner I'd already had. He'd put off paying the bill until the waitress suspected he didn't have the money and planned on dining and dashing. Then he'd even insisted on driving over to the local mall and buying me something pretty.

"Dad," I'd responded in an exhausted voice, "I don't want you to buy me anything." But he'd said that the evening would just never be complete until he purchased a nice, flowery sundress for his daughter – not too revealing of course. Fortunately though, for me, all the stores were closed this time of night and the only option we had left to us was to head for home. It was already after midnight and I was surprised I hadn't fallen asleep in the car as I usually did.

Instead I made it up the stairs – with only one minor stumble – and into my bedroom, where I didn't bother turning on the light. I immediately noted the dark shadow in the corner of my room by the window and grinned. "Hi." I yawned as I reached up and pulled the scrunchie out of my hair, allowing it to cascade smoothly down around my shoulders and back. "Sorry we're so late, Charlie insisted on…"

"Bella?"

I jumped in surprise. "Alice?" My voice heightened in volume immediately, my eyes growing wide in the darkness. "Is that you?"

"Yes."

"Where's Edward?" I demanded, concerned for a moment.

"Hunting." Came her simple and easy reply. "I sent him."

Now I was nervous again. "What are you doing here?"

Alice chuckled in the darkness, a sweet, musical sound that I'd missed hearing during the time I hadn't seen her. "So," she laughed knowingly after a moment, "you and Edward are going out tomorrow night, are ya?"

I didn't question her knowledge of this. In fact, I should have seen it coming…just as she always did. "Yes." I answered quietly and in an and-there's-no-need-for-you-to-get-involved undertone. But if I knew Alice, she wasn't going to rein herself in just because I asked her to. She laughed again.


	5. Chapter 5: Shopping

**Chapter 5: Shopping**

Charlie was gone by the time I woke Saturday morning and I couldn't quite bring myself to suppress a smile as I searched the house over once just to make sure. It was empty. I grinned. This couldn't be any more perfect. Not that I would get a chance to see Edward until tonight of course. Dear Alice decided that, since Charlie had gone so early, that would give us plenty of time to find me something pretty to wear tonight. Edward was informed, as usual by his darling sister, of our plans and that he was to pick me up at home at 8:00 PM. I didn't like the idea of wasting an entire day without him, but, then again, I suppose it was worth it just to see the look on his face when he saw me tonight.

Still, I didn't see why Alice was making such a big deal out of this. Did she know something I didn't? What was going to happen tonight when she left me alone with her brother? My mind began to muster up more creativity than I ever thought possible with the idea. So much in fact, that I had to stop myself before I got my hopes up. I couldn't stand to be disappointed again. 

It was difficult to control my musings though, especially as Alice bounced excitedly around the mall, practically piling evening dresses and shoes into my arms to try on as she bubbled about how happy she was to be doing this. I was glad Alice liked shopping, because I certainly didn't have a taste for it.

I was sure it took me up to a half an hour in the changing room to get through every outfit. Alice consistently insisted that I come out and show her every one of them. Of course, I didn't. Only the ones I thought looked best. I'd narrowed it down to two when suddenly I was unable to hear Alice's gleeful voice any longer.

"Alice?" I called, only a little concerned that she may have keeled over with all the excitement, but after a moment, she returned. I didn't even hear her footsteps as she approached, but before I had a chance to say another word, a gorgeous little black number appeared over the top of my dressing room door, dropping at just the right rate for me to catch before it hit the ground. I didn't even have to try it on before I made my decision. "Oh my God." I half-whispered to myself as I looked at it. It was beautiful. Just beautiful.

Then I heard Alice's voice again. It was lower now, knowing, affirmative. Clearly, she'd seen this dress somewhere before – probably in her head. "I just had to go and find it right away." She confirmed my suspicions. "You're going to look stunning in it, Bella." It wasn't a question. She knew.

Finally satisfied with what I'd found, I didn't feel the need to draw this out any longer. "Do I have to try it on?" I called from my side of the door, still training my eyes on the black evening dress.

I heard a defeated sigh. "No." Alice breathed in reply. "It'll fit."

Grinning triumphantly with our decision, I stepped out of the dressing room and embraced Alice tightly, more than thankful that she'd found it. She laughed quietly as I pulled back, as though glad that she'd been able to help. But then my mind went to other matters of the purchase. "How much is it?" I questioned carefully, wondering for a moment, if I'd brought enough cash with me, but Alice merely shook her head, making my cheeks flush red with frustration and embarrassment.

"Don't worry about it." She told me, waving one hand dismissively as she took the dress from me and headed toward the check out counter. But I caught up with her quickly. "Alice, you don't have to do that." I protested, holding out my hand for her to give the outfit back, but she didn't. "Bella," she turned to face me suddenly, her expression serious, "this is _your _night. And I don't want you to have to worry about _anything_, okay?" And then her tone lightened again. "So would you just chill and hush up?"

I couldn't help but laugh at this, although I still felt a little guilty for not paying for my own dress. After all, Alice had already done enough. But it was clear I wasn't going to win this argument anyway. "Thank you." I told her in a tone that suggested she still shouldn't have done it. She smiled, but said nothing as she handed the dress over to the cashier. 

I checked my watch. _Wow, _I thought, we weren't doing badly for time. It was only 12:30. I glanced up at Alice. "You wanna get some lunch?" I offered, clearly not thinking my question through before I asked it. But she merely smiled and nodded. "Sure."

I knew I would be the only one eating, but that didn't matter. Another hour or so with Alice could do me some good. But then I quickly realized the underlying matter in this idea. "And _I'm _paying." It was more of a command than a question and I suppose Alice felt she couldn't argue this time. She looked at me and nodded, clearly amused with my antics. "Whatever you want, Bella. It's your day."

I smiled, satisfied.

By the time we got back to my house it was only ten after two in the afternoon. I wanted to call Edward and tell him to come over so we could at least spend what was left of the afternoon together, but Alice wouldn't let me. Taking the phone gently from my hands, she replaced it back on the receiver and sat me down at the kitchen table.

"Bella," she said to me seriously once I'd sat, "do you know _anything _about official dates?"

I stared back at her for a long moment, trying to think of some quippy, sarcastic comment, but none came to mind. So I simply shook my head, no.

"You have to wait to see him until he comes to pick you up!" Alice explained loudly, as though this should have been childishly obvious. But I didn't like the sound of waiting any longer. "Why?" I demanded, a little upset now.

"Because," Alice drew out the word until it was emphasized to a ridiculous extent, the tone in it suggesting that I was a complete bone-head, "it's the anticipation that makes the date. You keep yourselves away from each other all day so it means so much more when you see each other tonight."

I made a face. I didn't like the idea of being away from Edward, but, at the moment, it seemed I had no choice.

"And trust me," Alice added matter-of-factly, "when he _does _see you tonight, he'll see that all the waiting was totally worth it." She smiled slyly.

Now I was scared. "What are you going to do to me?" I wondered aloud, my voice trembling nervously as I leaned away from her in my chair. She smiled a little wider now.


	6. Chapter 6: Surprise

**Chapter 6: Surprise**

By the time 8:00 rolled around, Alice had me thoroughly transformed into the beauty queen I never thought I could be. I felt like I was on one of those reality T.V. shows where this really worn-out, plain-looking girl gets a make-over and ends up looking like a pop-star. I hardly recognized myself at all in the mirror when she was finished with me. Some of it had been painful, I had to admit, - Alice wasn't at all gentle when it came to doing someone else's hair – but it was worth it. Worth it just to see Edward's face. I couldn't wait.

I had gotten into the black dress with minimal difficulty – thanks, in part, to Alice who'd insisted on helping me change – and had moved on to the make-up. Then it had been my hair and then my shoes and now…now we were finished. All that was left to do was wait.

My dress had turned out much prettier than I'd thought even when I'd seen it in the store. It was sleeveless, with black, one-or-two-inch-wide straps that ran over each of my shoulders. Every curve it took to the shape of my body was smooth and perfectly rounded. The neckline was at the perfect spot for me. Not disgustingly low, but just low enough to leave my collarbone and the beginning curves of my chest visible. It hugged my tiny waist just the right amount as well, and hung freely in thin, layered wisps down to my knees, where it stopped. There was a floral pattern of sorts that gave the impression of vines entwining my small frame. They angled down from the left shoulder and then across my stomach in a silvery wisp of glitter.

Alice had made sure that every tiny line of my make-up was perfect. Not too thick, not too little. She had my eyes outlined very thinly in black (she said my eyes were already pretty as they were and didn't need too much outline or I might look gothic in a way), my eye shadow was silver, touched up with a hint of mascara, my lips were outlined as well and filled in with a deep burgundy lipstick, not too bright and just dark enough to accent my pale face perfectly without looking ridiculously obvious. The only make-up that Alice refused to put on me was blush. She told me Edward liked my pale features as they were and I believed her.

Then she'd moved on to my hair, which was done exactly the way I liked it, but didn't have time to do myself usually: half up, with the top layers pulled back around the rest, leaving the bottom ones to hang freely. Alice had curled it just the right amount, so it still hung beautifully, but waved and twisted in a sense that reminded me of celebrities. A few strands around my face were left to hang there, giving me some 'delicate femininity' as Alice called it. I caught myself wondering, momentarily, why Alice didn't get a job in a beauty salon. She would certainly be wonderful at it. It seemed like the perfect job for her…

By the time we got around to picking out my shoes it was 7:56 and, fortunately for me, this didn't take Alice long at all. She shuffled through my closet for a moment and chose one of the only two pairs of dress shoes I owned: black strappy, sandal-like heels that fastened at the ankle. Fortunately the heels didn't look too hazardous for me. I'd bought them a while ago and had chosen them specifically because they had the pretty style, but they were safe enough to walk around in.

The moment I'd finished strapping the second one on, I glanced up at the clock. The doorbell rang and I smiled. Eight o'clock on the nose. I felt my heart soar. I'd been waiting for this for the past three days and now it was finally happening. It was still hard to believe that Edward and I had the entire evening to ourselves, together. I did my best to suppress the notion that we were doing it directly against Charlie's orders and I tried to purely be in the here and the now, and not think about my father tonight. After all, this wasn't about him. It was about _us_. The rebellion almost made it all that much better…

I got to the door more quickly than I would have thought possible in these shoes. Alice was right behind me, of course, but was letting me have the moment to myself it seemed. She didn't say a word.

I opened the door…and had my breath taken away. There he stood, looking more like my own personal God than ever. His hair was combed and gelled up just the right amount. At least it _looked _like it was. There was no doubt in my mind that if I touched it my fingers wouldn't come in contact with a single drop of grease or any other oily substance. It would be perfectly smooth and soft…like silk.

He wore the most perfect sport coat for him. Fortunately it was black, so it matched me, and for a moment I wondered if Alice had had anything to do with it. It wouldn't surprise me. Edward couldn't have put the whole thing together himself…could he?

The shirt beneath the sport coat was white and he wore it without a tie, which I actually preferred. I found it looked too much like a wedding or a funeral or some formal family gathering if a man wore a tie. It was almost enough to scare me into thinking someone had died. His pants were black as well, and dressy. Clearly evening wear. It all contrasted magnificently against his whiter-than-white skin. His eyes were more golden than I had ever seen them before…and his smile was radiant. I felt like a homeless person wearing little more than a potato sack next to him. Clearly though, he didn't feel the same way.

"Bella," his mouth fell open as he breathed my name, a gesture that caused me to blush furiously as he reached up and touched my cheek, "Bella, you look…_so _beautiful." Again, more blush. I smiled, but said nothing. I'd lost all use of my tongue, it seemed. I couldn't remember what the simplest word of the English language sounded like…how to form it between my teeth. My mind had turned to mush.

Edward stepped toward me, his eyes sliding closed as he pressed his cool lips purposefully to my forehead, still smiling. "Have I ever told you how lucky I am to have you?" He whispered when he pulled away, his face still only inches from mine. I could feel his icy breath on my nose. But then I found my voice again. "Don't say that." I tried to sound stern, but my tone betrayed me before I could stop it. It sounded…flattered. Embarrassed.

Edward's smile grew ever so slightly. "Why not?" He asked in a voice barely audible. "It's true."

I wanted to tell him that he had it wrong. That I was the lucky one, not him. That it seemed like a sin that he would even want to be with me, but, as I looked up into that pair of warm, ochre eyes, I was tongue-tied again. I couldn't even remember how to part my lips in a coherent way. So I didn't try. There would be plenty of time to tell him all of this…perhaps when he wasn't trying to hypnotize me with his impossible good looks.

Without another word said, Edward led me to his silver Volvo by the hand, our fingers entwining together of their own accord. Alice lingered by the door for the moment and then headed for her own car, which was also parked in the driveway. I recognized it as Carlisle's black vehicle. "Well, I'm going home now!" She called as she opened the driver's side door. "You two have a wonderful time!"

Edward waved to her casually, but it was in a manner that was more dismissive than it was polite. I suppressed a smile. I had been beginning to wonder if she was planning on going to dinner _with _us.

He opened my door for me and didn't let go of my hand as I climbed in. He only let go while he shut the door after me. Then he was in the driver's seat before I'd even seen him move around the car. It was one of those lightning-fast, graceful movements that I was still getting used to, although they didn't frighten me anymore. In a sense, I suppose they never did.

Once his door was closed and he had pulled out of Charlie's driveway, he grinned over at me again, taking my hand in one of his own for the second time. "You really do look really incredible tonight, Bella." He told me once more, raising my hand to his lips and kissing it like the gentleman that he was.

I didn't hesitate to speak my mind. "Not at all compared to you." The words came out more easily than I would have thought possible, but Edward only chuckled quietly to himself and shook his head. "Hardly." He laughed. "You're a goddess."

"Don't say that." I repeated again. After all, _he _was the God. It was a terrible overstatement for him to say that _I _looked good. But after a moment we both laughed quietly, realizing that this was not the important part of tonight in the least. I snuck a brief glance out the window and sighed, wondering where he was planning to take me.

"So," I sighed when the question entered my mind, "where are we going?"

Edward's expression grew serious suddenly and his eyes bore into me again as he looked at me. "It's a surprise." Was all he said in reply, his eyes dancing with knowing as he did so. This didn't bode well. Whenever he said stuff like that it always meant he was about to do something amazing for me, and I hated it when he spent money on me. His sister had already done that enough today.

"It better not be expensive." This time I almost sounded as firm as I intended, although my voice wavered ever so slightly as I took a double-take on what we were wearing. I couldn't expect to be taken to a burger joint. But to my relief, Edward only laughed and kissed my hand again. "Oh, don't worry." He assured me. "It's not." Then he took his eyes from the road one more time to look at me. A smile spread across his face slowly. Then his eyes grew tender. "Close your eyes."

I couldn't deny him this. Not when he was looking at me like that. My eyelids slid shut obediently. "And you're not allowed to open them until we get there."

To my surprise, the drive wasn't long at all. I would have expected all of the fancy restaurants to be located in places further away like Port Angeles, but apparently they weren't. The car glided to a smooth halt just minutes after we got started. I stayed in my seat until I heard my passenger's side door open and Edward's strong hand helped me from the car, holding me steady as I found the ground beneath my feet.

"Can I open my eyes now?" I asked, hopeful, but I could visualize Edward shaking his head, no. "Not yet." He replied gently, kissing my temple with the softest of touches. "Now, I'm going to put you on my back."

I started, surprised. "What?" My voice rang with alarm and was immediately calmed by Edward's melodic laugh.

"Come on." He let go of me for the briefest of moments and then I felt his back against my front, his strong, cold hands wrapping themselves around the backs of my knees, asking me to come forward. I obeyed quietly, feeling for his neck with my hands and then wrapping my arms around it as I threw myself onto him, wrapping my legs around his waist.

Then I knew he was running and I didn't dare open my eyes, no matter how much I wanted to. I refused to now. They may never open as a result of the force in which I was squeezing them shut. I tucked my face into the back of his sports coat. He ran with such grace that I knew my make-up wouldn't be touched by the time he stopped, just as my hair would remain perfectly intact as well. The only way I was even aware of the fact that he was running was by the cool breeze that was gently caressing my neck and cheeks. Without that, there was no way I could have known.

I held onto him for all I was worth, clinging to him as though without him I might lose my life as well…which wasn't necessarily untrue. Suddenly I made note of possibly the one thing I would miss about being human: being able to do this. Finally, we seemed to slow, as the wind on my face was becoming less potent. I smiled into his sport coat. He'd given me time to let go this time.

"We're here." His voice was smooth, charismatic, just as it had always been, but somehow moreso tonight. I obeyed, reluctantly sliding down and dropping back onto my feet. I was surprised to feel grass brushing at my ankles. Where were we? But then, I suppose I had some idea. I let the grin slowly creep onto my features as Edward spoke again, his hands on my stomach now as he had moved around behind me, embracing me tightly to his chest. "Open your eyes."

**Author's Note: If anyone is interested in seeing the dress that I picked out for Bella, just ask me for the link via review or something. It seemed that I can't upload the link here. But I'll send it if you ask. ******


	7. Chapter 7: In the Meadow

**Chapter 7: In the Meadow…**

I let my eyes flutter open slowly…and caught my breath. My hands flew to my mouth as I looked at the beauty of it all. I couldn't remember how to breathe. For a moment I thought I might collapse, which didn't really scare me since I knew Edward was right there with me, holding me. I felt like I could die there, in his arms, and be okay with it.

I immediately whipped around to face him, my arms flying around his neck so quickly that even I wasn't entirely certain what had happened. For a moment I was afraid I might cut off his air supply with the constriction in which I was embracing him. Then, of course, I remembered _who _I was embracing, and hugged him tighter still. I felt his arms encircle the small of my back and wondered if he would be angry with me if I cried right now. Too late. The lump in my throat exploded before I'd even felt it rise and tears grew hot in my eyes almost instantaneously.

I pulled back just enough to be able to look into his eyes. His beautiful, perfect, loving eyes… "Did you do all of this?" I wondered aloud, blinking back a fresh set of tears as his glorious smile sent my head spinning. He nodded. "Yes." He confirmed softly, leaning forward and kissing my hair ever so gently. "I had to do it. For you."

Now I was _really _crying. Tears spilled over my bottom eyelids at a moment's notice and stained my features almost effortlessly. I was certainly glad Alice owned waterproof make-up. Then again, I supposed she'd already known this was going to happen. Although I doubted she had anything to do with it. This seemed like an entirely pure Edward stunt.

I turned around to admire it all one more time. We were in the meadow. Our meadow. The meadow where he'd taken me not long after we met. The meadow in which we had just come out of when we had our first kiss. The meadow where he'd told me…everything. Everything and anything. The meadow where I truly realized how much I loved him.

And before us was spread a large, navy-blue blanket in the grass, on top of which rested a beautifully-finished square of wood. It was deep mahogany in color and looked like it could be the top to a table without legs. On top of this slab of gorgeous wood were two place settings which looked as though they belonged in a very expensive, fancy restaurant. The napkins were folded in the shape of swans, the china decorated with a delicate golden outline and a rose pattern that I adored. There were also two tall, red candles in dove-shaped holders on the little seating area. I noted that they were already burning brilliantly in the darkness. Then there was the picnic basket, which I was sure, held all of the food that we – or…_I _rather – would consume for dinner. There was a boom box of sorts on the ground next to the basket and I smiled at the prospect of what might be inside. This was all so…magnificent.

Slowly this time, I turned to face Edward again, the tears streaming over my features as I smiled up at him through the trembling of my lips. But his expression became grave suddenly, when he saw my face again. His smile vanished and his eyes grew sad, hurt. "Don't you like it?" He clearly couldn't keep himself from asking as his eyebrows knitted together in a concerned and perplexed manner.

I opened my mouth to talk, but no words came out, just barely-audible squeaks. My throat seemed to be getting tighter the more I tried to speak. It didn't matter of course. There was no way I could possibly find words to tell him what I was truly feeling at the moment, even if I _had _found my voice. But before I could so much as try one more time, I was in Edward's arms, my face cradled onto his cold, hard chest as his hand pressed the back of my head gently into it with the softest of pressures. His other hand was on my back, running the length of my spine over and over again. _Up and down. Up and down. _His hand felt so smooth, so gentle…

He kissed the top of my head. "Oh, Bella," whispered into my ear when his lips left my hair, "Bella, I'm sorry." Clearly though, he had absolutely no idea what he was apologizing for. He just felt that he should. "I didn't mean to…we can go back to your house. We could eat there. We don't have to do this."

But I pulled away abruptly then, my eyes being the stronger ones of our unbroken gaze for the first time. I stared back at him meaningfully, my tongue suddenly seeming to leap to life as I studied his perfectly handsome features. "No, Edward." I corrected quickly, although my voice was still painfully strained through the tears. "I love it. I love it so much. I love _you_…I…I just…" the tears were threatening to build up that communication wall between us again. I decided I wouldn't let them. Not just yet. I thought of something simple that I could get over my lips quickly. "Thank you so much." My voice became muffled again as I buried my face in his sport coat. "It's beautiful."

Now Edward was smiling again. I was certain I could literally feel the warmth radiating from it as he looked down at me. "No." He corrected as he pulled me away again just enough to look into my face. "_You're _beautiful."

This brought an entirely new set of tears to my eyes and I shook my head almost violently. "Don't say that." I ordered him for the third time tonight. For some reason I didn't like the feeling that coursed through me when he said things like that. It didn't seem right. It didn't seem _fair_. "I don't deserve it." I spoke my thoughts now as the tears quieted enough for me to speak coherently. "I don't deserve any of it. I don't deserve you, Edward." All that he had done tonight had proved that, but now he looked down on me again, his face looking almost angry with the statement.

"That's not true." He told me firmly as he placed both hands strongly on my shoulders, shaking me ever so slightly; just enough to get my attention. "And don't you ever believe it." But then an entirely new expression came over his perfect face as he seemed to think the whole thing over one more time. "Actually, you know, on second thought, maybe you're right."

I looked up at him, bewildered.

He nodded in confirmation. "Yes, you _are _right." He said affirmatively. "You _don't _deserve me." He paused momentarily, searching my face with a far-away expression. "You deserve better."

My eyes widened abruptly and I shook my head. "No, Edward." My voice was almost panicked now. I couldn't believe he actually thought this. "No, it's not true."

"It _is _true." He assured me, his voice softening again just before his lips brushed delicately across my forehead. Then he pulled back after a long moment, his ochre eyes catching mine and holding them, making me tremble again. "You will never know how much I love you." His voice held the seal of a promise, as though he knew this for certain. "You'll never know how…precious and…special you are to me. You'll never know how much I need you."

I wanted to tell him something…_anything _that would prove that he had it backwards. I wanted to ask him so many questions. Why he thought such things. Why _he _needed _me_. But I didn't. As his lips moved down my face I lost all ability to form coherent syllables again. Placing his strong, cold hands on either side of my face, he pulled me up to him, caressing my lips ever so softly with his own. When he finally broke away, I was shaking. Not from the cold or the darkness around us…just shaking. Shaking because I was remembering what I'd told Charlie last night, about Edward caring about me too much. It almost hurt to be loved so…completely. It hurt because I was afraid. Afraid that someday I would lose him again…I couldn't survive it a second time. I knew that now. I loved him way, _way _too much. And that could be a bad thing.

Sighing softly, Edward pulled me into another tight embrace, laying my head on his shoulder for the longest moment. I never wanted to let go. The tears seemed to be subsiding for the moment. Not surrendering, just retreating enough to let me enjoy the evening. When he released me, Edward reached into one of the pockets in his sport coat and drew forth a darkly-colored handkerchief. Tenderly, he dabbed at my wet features ever so carefully, being cautious not to disturb my still-intact make-up.

I smiled and leaned up to kiss him one more, quick time before we sat down for dinner.

Edward sat in silence while I ate, watching, it seemed, fascinated. I pretended not to notice, for, I knew that if I did, the distraction might be enough for me to want to run away with him tonight and never come back. All he had done for me tonight was indescribable. I couldn't possibly fathom the reason he had done it. I simply wouldn't stand to believe that he'd done it for no reason in particular. There had to be _something_. But I didn't press the matter as I ate.

The food was delectable, and tasted as though it too belonged in the most expensive of fancy restaurants. It was steak with a garden salad and potatoes. I ate slowly, savoring not only the taste of it all, but also the time we had out here together.

When we'd first sat down, Edward had reached over and pressed the 'play' button on the boom box, causing my heart to seemingly melt inside my chest as the sweet, calming melody of my lullaby drifted from the speakers, filling the meadow around us. While I listened I envisioned Edward seated gracefully at the piano that day, playing it for me for the first time. I swallowed more tears along with my steak.

When I was finished, Edward reached into the picnic basket again and this time drew forth two delicate, crystal glasses that had the same gold outline to match the dishes, and a bottle of what had to be the most expensive Champaign I'd ever seen.

I raised one eyebrow quizzically. "Champaign?" I inquired, the hint of interrogation in my tone. "What are we celebrating?"

Edward chuckled softly, making my heart flutter and proceeded to fill both glasses with the golden, bubbly liquid. "That depends." He replied, his voice quiet as he recorked the bottle and placed it aside. I wanted to ask him what it depended on, but my mind quickly shifted to other matters as I watched him. "_You're _having some too?" I questioned loudly, astonished. He'd proved to me once before that he was physically able to ingest substances edible to humans, but he preferred not to.

He tilted his beautiful, auburn head to one side and his eyes smiled over at me from under his lashes. "It's a special night." He explained, a little too vague for my liking. "Is it now?" My voice was light, casual, but my heart was going on a wild rampage inside my chest, ricocheting off of my rib cage over and over again.

Edward's fingers were tracing the brim of his Champaign glass over and over again, as though he were deep in thought, debating. "Edward…" I said slowly, carefully, "…is something wrong?"

He looked up at me abruptly, his golden eyes studying my features as though they might disappear suddenly if he didn't get a good look at them now. "No." He assured me quickly. He reached across the little 'table' of sorts and took both of my hands in his. "No, everything's just…perfect." He paused momentarily and I wondering what exactly it was he was trying to say. Then he continued. "In fact, things have been perfect for me for a long time now and I think…the reason is you."

I smiled, but I didn't let it touch my eyes. Something was about to happen. I could sense it…and unless he hurried up and told me what it was, I was going to start panicking. My mind was reeling with possibilities. I felt my breathing quicken as Edward drew in one, deep breath and started getting to his feet, pulling me up by the hands as well. "Stand up." He ordered me softly.

Confused, but, clearly intrigued, I obeyed, my brow furrowing in obvious concern as we both stood in the grass now, just inches from each other, my hands entwined in his. He led me over to one side so we were off of the blanket and the 'table' wasn't in our way. He took another deep breath and then, for the briefest moment, I recognized in him something I had never seen before. Something that made my heart want to leap out of my chest. He was nervous. I had never seen Edward nervous before. It was the strangest feeling…

I tried to focus on the gentle, melodic piano tones playing in the background accompanied by the crickets, but my attention shifted abruptly at Edward's next words. "Bella, I need to ask you something." He whispered, his eyes still on mine.

I was careful. "Okay…"

"I've asked you this before, but…I think…I need to do it formally."

And then I knew. My mind began to reel. I felt my breath freeze in my chest. "Edward…?" My voice was alarmed now, urgent, almost panicked. "Edward, what are you doing? Edward!?"

He didn't answer. Smiling ever so slightly, he got down on one knee.


	8. Chapter 8: I Love You, Forever

**Chapter 8: I Love You, Forever**

"Edward, what are you doing?" I felt the threat of tears in my throat again as I looked down on him, kneeling there in the grass, holding both of my hands. But still, he didn't grant me any form of answer. He just kept doing it.

"Bella," his voice was strained, as though he would be crying if he could, "you are…so beautiful, and so kind and sweet. I don't deserve someone as good as you. And if I had found someone half as good, I would count myself the luckiest man in the world." He looked down for a moment, studying the grass and composing himself before he looked up at me again. Now his face looked almost pained, but in a happy way. I knew he was crying inwardly, without tears. "I love you so much." He pressed on. "You are my life now. I can't live without you, Bella…and I won't." Then he reached into the pocket of his sport coat.

"Oh no." My plea came out in a hoarse whisper, but, clearly, Edward wasn't listening. He refused to. Letting go of my hands (which readily flew to my mouth), he drew forth the tiny velvet box and held it up to me, snapping it open with one hand. That's when I let the tears flow again. They sprung into my eyes readily and ran down my face without my consent.

But Edward wasn't finished with me just yet. "In the short time that we weren't together," he began again, still holding the ring as my mind rolled the word 'short' around over and over again, "I was lifeless. There was no point to me even existing anymore without you. It took all of my energy just to get through each day, each _moment_ without you. I can't count the amount of times I considered just going to Italy and ending it all."

Now I was sobbing into my hands at the memory. I couldn't stand the thought of something happening to Edward. I refused to think such a thing. Most of the time that I was without him I hardly even recalled. I'd blocked so much out…I was _gone_. Not even present in my own body. I didn't remember my mother coming to take me home. I didn't remember interacting with anyone. I didn't even remember sleeping or eating or going to school. I was dead to the world…

And then I realized Edward was talking again. "And when Rosalie told me…" He looked as though he might not get through this. "…When she told me that you were…that you were dead…that you'd killed yourself…I couldn't take it. I couldn't stand knowing that I was alive and you weren't. That I existed and you didn't. I didn't deserve to exist without you." I didn't protest. We'd already been through this once before. "You gave my life meaning." He looked so weak as he spoke, like a small child. It was difficult to watch. "You gave me a _reason _to exist…and now I don't want _anything _to ever take that away from us. I won't let it. As long as I'm around, nothing, _nothing _will come between us. I want to be with you…forever. Bella," he paused, his eyes boring into mine with every possible depth to his soul. And that's when I knew it was about to happen, "will you marry me?"

I froze, slowly lowering my hands from my mouth to rest over my stomach. I tried to see him through the lingering tears. I wasn't sobbing anymore, although it seemed the salt-water in my eyes continued to flow relentlessly regardless. I couldn't breathe. Between the tears and the shock it seemed my cardiovascular system had taken a turn for the worst. My head swam. I tried to think logically, although it was difficult to think at all.

I thought of everything he'd done tonight and couldn't help but want to say yes more than anything, but then, as I struggled to remember the reason I hadn't said yes last time, the practical reasoning of it all returned. I was only eighteen years old. I couldn't get married. Edward didn't want to marry me. He couldn't. Not me, the clumsy, awkward, imperfect _human_, my mind spat the word.

And Charlie. _Oh, God, Charlie. _Charlie would kill me. My mind couldn't quite figure out what Renee would do, but it was Charlie I was concerned about. He was the one I lived with, after all. He would disown me. And Edward. Did I really want to put Edward through the pain of watching me grow old…of watching me _die_? But then I realized that none of this had to happen at all. My expression hardened, poker-faced, while I thought this through. If Edward changed me, if I never grew old and became a vampire just like him, then we really _could _be together forever. And whatever Charlie and Renee thought wouldn't matter because I would never see them again. After I was changed, I would have to get out of their lives…forever.

Edward's eyes grew more and more pleading the longer I thought. I knew my face was panicked, frightened. "Bella, honey, say something. You're scaring me." His voice was gentle, but his face held something more than cool. It was fear. Fear that he was about to get hurt. That he was going to hurt me by doing this.

"Edward…I…" I struggled to find the words. I had to get a grasp on my emotions somehow. Come on. 'I' what? What did I want to say? It was there, I knew it. But what was it?

Edward looked concerned, but stayed down on one knee none the less, waiting, as though he dared not move.

Then it all became painfully simple: I loved him. Memories flashed through my head, reflected, I was sure, in my eyes as I looked down at him. I'd heard that your entire life flashes before your eyes the moment before you die, but this wasn't like that. Not at all. Every memory I had ever had from the day I met Edward entered my head, disappearing quickly to make room for the next one. _"Who are _they_?" "That's Edward and Emmet Cullen, and Rosalie and Jasper Hale. The one who left was Alice Cullen. They all live together with Dr. Cullen and his wife." "Which one is the boy with the reddish brown hair?" "That's Edward. He's gorgeous, of course, but don't waste your time. He doesn't date."_

I remembered seeing Edward not long after the first day I saw him. It was the first time I realized how fascinating he was…he was covered in melting snow, laughing. _"Edward Cullen is staring at you." "He doesn't look angry, does he?" "No. Should he be?" "I don't think he likes me." "The Cullens don't like anybody…well, they don't notice anybody enough to like them. But he's still staring at you." "Stop looking at him!" _I smiled at the memory. And then… _"Hello, my name is Edward Cullen. I didn't have a chance to introduce myself last week. You must be Bella Swan."_

Then in the meadow that first time… _"You are the most important thing to me now. The most important thing to me ever." "I would rather die than stay away from you. I am an idiot." "You _are _an idiot." _Laughter. _"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb…" "What a stupid lamb." "What a sick, masochistic lion."_

Then the memories darkened. _"There – is – no – other – option!" "I don't want him within a hundred miles of her!" "Bella, if you let anything happen to yourself – anything at all – I'm holding you personally responsible." "I love you. I will always love you, no matter what happens now." "Nothing is going to happen to you Bella." "One more thing, don't listen to another word I say tonight. Go away Edward!"_

_"Oh no, Bella, no! Bella, please! Bella, listen to me, please, please, Bella, please! Carlisle! Bella, Bella, no, oh please, no, no!" _I remembered him sobbing, anguished. Over _me. _It was wrong. It hurt to listen to it. _"Bella, you're going to be fine. Can you hear me, Bella? I love you." "Edward." "Yes, I'm here." "It hurts." "I know, Bella, I know."_

Then I was back in the present. I didn't need to remember the day he left me. And I didn't need to remember the day he returned. I knew all of that easily. It wasn't that long ago…

"Yes." I heard myself croak the word in a voice barely above a whisper. Comprehension and ecstasy flickered across Edward's ochre eyes at a moment's notice. "What?" He demanded, his voice urgent, disbelieving. "What did you just say?" Then he was talking almost too quickly for me to understand. "What did you- did you just say yes?"

I nodded, joyful tears pouring over my features now. "Yes. Yes!"

Edward stood in a motion so fast that I was almost confused when he was at his full height again, taking me into his arms and crushing me into his chest. "You said yes!" He kissed my hair quickly, his lips hard and gleeful before he let me go and turned to face the rest of the meadow, screaming into the darkness. "She said yes!" He cried out to no one in particular…and, I suppose, everyone.

"Edward…" I laughed through the tears, amused at his antics. Then he turned back to face me and embraced me again, lifting me off of my feet this time and twirling me around in a tight circle, roaring with exuberant laughter all the while. When he placed me back on the ground, he reached for the ring he'd had in the velvet box. Gently tugging it out of its case, he took my left hand in his free one and replaced the box into his pocket. I couldn't help but laugh, not knowing what else to say as I looked at the beautiful piece of diamond. The ring had a gold band and was topped with a round-cut diamond. Simple yet elegant, with two sapphire stones on either side. Then he tilted it so I could see the inside ring of the band. It was engraved: _I'm never far away._

Edward showed it to me for just a moment, holding it up meaningfully before he spoke again, his voice quiet now, tender. "Bella," he said seriously, "are you sure?"

I smiled through the tears and nodded again. "I've never been more sure of anything in my life." I managed to squeak, making him smile that radiant smile that I loved so much.

Now I was sobbing again as Edward carefully slid the ring onto my finger. His breath was coming in shortened gasps just as mine was. I knew he would be crying along with me if his tear ducts worked. When the deed was done, and my eyes were still on the ring, his lips crashed into mine, taking me by surprise as I lifted my chin suddenly to meet him, my eyes sliding closed.

The kiss sent my heart skipping and pounding like a wild stallion. I knew he could feel it against his own chest, because his lips curved upwards against mine in a delicate smile. Then his kiss grew in intensity. One of his hands found the back of my neck, holding me to him as I threw my arms around _his _neck. And for the first time in a long time, he didn't try to stop it. He didn't push me away or freeze up when I threw myself into the kiss. His other hand was on my lower back.

When we finally pulled away, I didn't let go. I rested my head on his shoulder and held on for all I was worth, not ever wanting to not be touching him again. His right hand went to my back now as well and before we knew what we were doing, we were dancing, swaying gently back and forth to the music that still drifted from the CD in the boom box. I kicked off my shoes, surprised at how easily I could get out of the straps as my bare feet hit the grass. This was definitely much more comfortable now. I dropped in height about an inch, but that didn't seem to matter. Edward simply angled his head a little more so our foreheads rested against one another as we danced. I could feel his icy breath on my face, and sighed with contentment. I was satisfied with my decision. I never wanted to be without him again. Not ever. And now I'd made sure that I wouldn't. Not ever.

After a long moment of this gentle swaying that just barely counted for dancing, I opened my eyes ever so slightly and met his gaze, lifting my forehead from his just enough to look him in the eyes. "So," I breathed in a voice barely audible, "what happens now?"

Edward's answer was quick, non-hesitant. "I'll tell you what happens now." He replied in that same, just-above-a-whisper voice. I would never get over the musical, incredible sound of his voice. "We're going to go back to your house."

I smiled. He continued. "We're going to go upstairs."

I smiled a little wider now. "So far so good." I cut in briefly before he spoke a fourth time. "And I am going to kiss you all over until you melt." His lips were just millimeters from mine now, making me smile as they brushed together through his words.

Now my grin must have reached my eyes. "That sounds…perfect." I told him quietly, my words broken for just a moment as he kissed me again.

"No." He corrected tenderly. "_You're _perfect." Then he stepped away from me, one of his strong, cold hands grasping mine. "Let's go."

**Author's Note: If anyone would like to see the ring I picked out for Bella, just ask via review (same with her dress) and I will send you the link. **

**P.S. Chapter 9 coming soon!**


	9. Chapter 9: Empty House

**Author's Note: First of all, I'd just like to apologize to anyone who asked for links and they didn't work for some reason. I'm not sure why. Anyway, I've uploaded the links on the bottom of my profile. If you look there, you should see them. Sorry about that! And thanks for all the reviews! I really appreciate it. Enjoy!**

**P.S. This one's really long!**

**Chapter 9: Empty House**

My front door crashed open with a bang against the wall as Edward strode over the threshold, supporting me effortlessly in his arms as he made for the staircase. I still held my shoes in one hand and dropped them on the welcome mat before we proceeded anywhere else. His shoes came off too.

Our lips were still locked as he kicked the door shut behind him, using only one foot before he ran gracefully up the stairs, not even looking down on them once as they passed safely beneath his feet, both of us laughing merrily between kisses. I couldn't believe I'd almost missed out on this. I couldn't believe I'd almost said no. I couldn't believe I was wearing his ring on my finger…

When we reached the top of the stairs, I asked him to please let me down and without question, he placed me back on my feet obediently. Our lips never once missed a beat as I backed toward the bathroom, pulling him along with me until we reached the door. There I stopped, just for a moment, just long enough to speak to him. I had to talk through the panting that was a result from all the kissing. Edward had kept his promise, although I didn't feel like I was going to melt just yet. "I just need a human moment." The words came out in one giant slur between heavy breaths and for a moment I was concerned he hadn't understood me, but then he nodded once and kissed my lips one more time. "Of course." He replied more gently than I would have thought possible for this degree of intensity between two people, but then, I had to remind myself that Edward was no typical person. "I'll be waiting."

I felt my heart pounding in my chest as I looked at him, pointing one, meaningful index finger in his face. "And don't you _dare _move a muscle." I ordered him, my voice intense as I took one more step backwards and slammed the bathroom door between us.

Flicking on the light, I blinked painfully as my eyes adjusted. Personally, I was surprised I hadn't blacked out yet. I moved as quickly as I possibly could, desperate to get back to him, as though I was afraid that he might leave me if I took too long. I knew of course, that this could never happen, but the thought certainly helped the process along much more quickly. I didn't take a shower as I normally would have. That would have taken too long. Instead I simply stripped down in record time and replaced my dress with my spaghetti-strap tank top and silk pajama pants (which I kept in the bathroom cupboard) before turning to the bathroom sink. There I washed every substance off of my make-up caked features that wasn't absolutely necessary, including everything Alice had painted on earlier tonight and my own, self-inflicted tear-stains.

Then I proceeded to wash my hands thoroughly before yanking out the butterfly-shaped clip that was holding the top layers of my hair up, allowing the beautiful, satin-like waves to flood my shoulders freely, finally liberated from the confines of the vampire-induced style it had previously been in. I gave it a quick, once-through with my fingertips. Then I brushed my teeth, scrubbing as quickly, yet still as thoroughly as I could before finally washing out my mouth and recapping the toothpaste. Only then did I feel I was ready.

I opened the door so quickly I didn't even think _Edward _was aware of it before I crashed into him, my lips going straight for his as he stumbled backwards into the hallway wall, slamming into it so hard that I was afraid, if he were human, it would have knocked the wind out of him. Edward normally would never have stumbled of course, but I caught him off-guard and he was going along with every one of my motions without protest.

From there we moved towards my open bedroom door, never opening our eyes, our lips never breaking apart completely, only partially for quick breath-intakes before they fused together over and over again. His hands tangled themselves in my hair, pressing me to him with a pressure that I had never felt from him before.

I now felt ridiculously underdressed next to him, but I quickly figured out how to solve that problem with minimal difficulty. My fingers found the edges of his sport coat and gripped them purposefully before forcing them apart and back, him only having to shrug out of the sleeves to comply as I tore it off of him. Then his hands were in my hair again the moment they were free. I dropped the coat carelessly on my bedroom floor as we crossed into it from the hall.

We were headed for the bed now, me in the lead. Was I pulling him or was he pushing me? I couldn't tell. Perhaps a little bit of both. The backs of my knees buckled when they hit the edge of the bed frame and I fell backwards onto the mattress, pulling him down along with me as I hit the bedspread. I expected my skull to be pounded by his with the impact of the landing, but I'd forgotten again, Edward was no typical human being. He was graceful. He fell with me, on top of me, but was extremely careful not to harm me in any way.

I kept kissing him, ruthless, relentless as I back-crawled on the bed until my head hit the pillow, then I relaxed again, allowing my body to drop back to the sheets beneath him…I'd never wanted him more in the entire time we'd been together. I couldn't remember ever kissing him like this ever before. Continuously, unyielding. Other than that night at the fireworks, I couldn't remember him ever being directly on top of me before. He'd held me before, yes, he'd laid next to me, with his arms around me, but never before like this. Never before with intent behind it, his weight crushing down on me, pressing me to him. It felt…nice.

His hands moved passionately through my hair, sending me raging for more. My own hands flew down the front of his white shirt, unfastening each button with impossible speed.

"Bella…" his voice was wary as it whispered my name between kisses. I knew what it meant, but I wasn't intending to stop this time. Not when we were so close…

Now my fingers ran the length of his shirt's bottom brim, ripping it from the confines of his pants as I untucked it. "Bella…" He whispered again when he felt this. He was trying to warn me to be careful with my intentions, but I wasn't listening. I didn't care about my own safety anymore. I didn't care about anything except him. About what was happening right now.

I didn't even break contact with his lips to look down as my hands slid under his shirt. I was so hungry for it now that I didn't even bother to take his shirt off again. Just having it undone was enough. My hands ran across the smooth, cold skin of his back before I brought them back around to caress his chest, being sure to savor the feeling of all the muscles there as they moved against me.

His lips became suddenly noticeably more intense against mine, moving firmly as he kissed me and broke apart. Kissed me and broke apart. It became a steadily increasing ritual.

And then I did something that made impulsive look like church camp. "Bella, what do you think you're you doing!?" Edward cried out, breaking out of the kiss abruptly as my tank top came off in my hands and landed haphazardly on my dresser on the other side of the room. I was still wearing my bra, of course, a fortunate after-effect of my absent-minded haste in the bathroom before.

Edward kept his eyes purposefully on my face. They were hard now, questioning. The meaning of his expression was clear: I shouldn't have done that. He looked appalled and this made me laugh ever so softly. His expression became harder at this. He stared down at me, unmoving now.

"Edward," I chuckled quietly as I looked up at him, "it's _okay_. Really." But he wasn't listening. Now _he _was the one ignoring _me_. I'd seen that look in his eyes before. I knew what it meant. He was wrestling with his ethics. Trying to decide how far he could go before he absolutely _had _to stop. Trying to decide what to do next. When, after a long moment, he still hadn't moved, I raised my face to his and kissed him again, just briefly, making it little more than a soft brush against his lips, just testing the waters, helping him along with the gentlest of pushes. He didn't protest and his eyes softened ever so slightly, so I took that as a sign.

He seemed to relax a little as I kissed him a second time, making this one longer, but his muscles were still tense. He didn't move anything other than his lips. Then it came to me with a painful tug on my heart-strings. He was afraid to touch me. He didn't trust himself with me. I sighed internally. I'd thought he'd gotten over that. "Edward," I whispered again, stopping the kisses before they started so I could look into his eyes again. "I'm okay." I assured him gently, but then I realized that I was focusing on the wrong thing entirely. I hadn't even thought of what I must have been doing to him. I regrouped. "Oh, Edward, I'm sorry." I spoke more quickly now, letting down the barrier of tenderness that was slung between us. "I'll understand if you have to go…" But I wasn't entirely certain I would.

"No." Edward closed his eyes momentarily and shook his head in obvious defiance. "No, Bella. I'm not letting my stupid, senseless vampirism tear me away from you tonight." Then a smile broke through his hardened features, brightening them considerably. I knew this look as well. It meant he was challenging himself, confident that the better side of him would win. The side that loved me more than anything in the world. His icy lips came down on my neck, brushing it gently. I closed my eyes to savor the feeling of them, smiling myself. Then his cold hands were on my bare sides, causing me to gasp as his lips slid down the skin on my throat, stopping briefly to kiss my collarbone…and then lower still to caress the skin around my bra, but I noted that he was excessively careful never to once touch it.

He slid down my body, his lips moving next to my rib-cage and then the bare skin just below my belly button, sending chills shooting like meteors up my spine. I shivered. He stopped. Resting his chin on my stomach with his arms still wrapped around my waist, he turned his eyes up on me again before resting his ear against my skin. I placed one hand on top of his head, fingering the silky-soft, bronze strands there contentedly. I smiled again. "I love you so much." I whispered in the darkness, causing Edward to look up at me again. "I love you too." His voice was more careful than mine. "But…Bella…" He struggled to find the words. He knew what I must have been thinking. And he wasn't about to allow it. "…we can't do that."

I frowned, annoyed. "Why not?" I demanded, thankful that I couldn't see the color of his eyes in this light.

"You know why not." Was his only answer, but I wasn't satisfied with this.

My eyes became intense again. "Edward, I know you." I promised him. "And I know that you would never, _ever _hurt me." My voice quieted to a tender whisper. "You can't. It's in your nature to protect me. You won't hurt me, Edward. I know it."

"Bella," he protested, still careful. He shook his head, "please," he begged, "don't tempt me."

I sighed loudly. A part of me knew he was right. And I hated when he was right. I thought hard about what to say next, but Edward then supported himself again and crawled up to lay level with me again, next to me, still holding me, his lips at my ear.

My mind was on other matters now though, trying desperately to figure out a way, _any _way to skip around this problem. Finally, it came to me. It was the _only _way. And I'd completely forgotten about it. "So," I whispered, my voice becoming practical again, "were you planning on changing me on our wedding night."

Edward opened his eyes again and they studied my face for a long minute. "No."

I groaned. So he was still trying to figure out a way out of it.

"Actually, I was thinking about doing it _before _the wedding."

My eyes snapped open. Had I just heard him right? He was actually planning on changing me? My spirits soared. I couldn't believe this, but I kept a poker-face, my voice casual. "Oh?"

He nodded. "That way our wedding _night _can be reserved for something much, much more special." He kissed my cheek again, making my heart flutter wildly.

"Oh." My voice wavered, betraying me completely.

"But I still want to talk to you about the change, Bella." He disappointed me by saying. But then, in one of his movements that was almost too fast for me to see with my human eyes, he'd gotten off the bed and returned again, looking as though he'd merely switched position next to me. He handed me my tank top. "Put this on first." He commanded gently. "I can't talk to you when you're…like that."

I smiled, amused, but obeyed, sliding the shirt over my head to cover myself.

"Now, Bella, I'm still not entirely certain this is what you want." He told me.

"But it _is _what I want." I answered a little too quickly, causing Edward to look at me through concerned eyes. "Are you absolutely certain?" He asked, his voice melting my heart.

"Yes." I managed to just croak the word.

"But, Bella, I don't know if I can do that to you. It's going to hurt…a lot." I shivered as he pressed on. "And I don't know if I could bear to be the one causing you that pain."

I sighed. I had to think of a way to make him understand. Some way of communicating to him how badly I truly wanted this. "Edward," my voice adopted that practical edge to it again that I knew always got his attention, "let's say…" I shrugged. "I were to get pregnant."

I thought his eyes were going to explode out of his head. I held up one hand before he could say anything. "No. No. Just hear me out." I ordered. "Let's say, _hypothetically_," I threw in the word for his own peace of mind, "I ended up carrying your child somehow. Now, when I went into labor and gave birth to that child, that would be excruciatingly painful too, right? And technically it would have been you who caused it."

He had to shake his head and look away. "This is getting very weird." He cut in, but I didn't give up there. "Please, Edward, just listen to me."

He turned his eyes back to me and nodded once, although still wary.

"But when it was all over," my voice grew tender again, "when the pain was finally gone and never to return again, we would have gotten something _so _beautiful out of it. Something that was more than worth the pain."

"Bella, this is not the same thing."

Now I was angry again. "How is it not the same thing?"

"Because," he answered more sharply this time, "this pain is going to be fifty times what any woman has ever felt enduring childbirth."

I tried not to show the fear in my eyes too much. I focused instead on keeping an unreadable expression on my face, as though I were indifferent to the aspect.

"Do you remember how your hand felt the day James bit you?" He asked, no longer bothering to spare my feelings in an attempt to make me fully understand. I did remember. I just didn't want to. The feeling of fire scorching my veins. The feeling that I'd rather someone just cut off my hand and make it stop.

I was silent. He took this as a yes. "Well, imagine that." He whispered into my ear. "Only all over your body. Every nerve, every blood vessel, every organ. I remember it happening to me," he shook his head ominously, "I could never do it to you."

"But you have to." Came my soft, uncertain-now reply. Edward wasn't listening.

"And besides," he continued relentlessly, "how do I know that I'll even be able to stop once I start?"

I knew what this meant. "But you did stop, Edward." I reminded him. "The very night that James bit me. You did it." I looked him squarely in the eyes. "And you can do it again."

Edward softened now, his eyes growing tender again as they scanned my face. He smiled, managing to lighten the entire conversation almost effortlessly. "You are, by far, _the _most amazing person I have ever met." His lips brushed against my ear as I spoke. "You're so brave. So selfless." His lips found mine again and he pressed down with the gentlest of pressures. It was only then that I truly realized how exhausted I was. I began to panic. _No! _I couldn't waste any of the time I had with him tonight!

"Don't let me fall asleep." I whispered, my voice meek after he broke away, but I had already shifted my position on the bed so my head was resting on his bare chest. I felt the warmth of his smile just above my right ear. "Of course not." He whispered, kissing my hair ever so softly. And then he was humming my lullaby…

**Author's Note: Okay, so, what did you think of this chapter? Was it too much? Too intense? Too graphic? Please, be honest. I need to know. The next chapter's coming soon!**


	10. Chapter 10: Do You Remember

**Chapter 10: Do You Remember…**

It was the light pitter-patter of the rain on my bedroom window that woke me up. I didn't want to open my eyes. I didn't want to let go of that wonderful dream I'd been having. Had it been a dream? I couldn't be certain. Yes, it had to have been. Edward would never formally propose. Would he?

And then I felt his arms around me. I let the smile creep onto my face as I felt his cool fingers brush the hair from my eyes. Then it was a gentle, velvet-smooth voice that called me out of unconsciousness. "Good morning."

The side of my head was still resting against his bare chest, just as it had been when I'd fallen asleep. _I'd fallen asleep. _I moaned irritably, despite the unyielding smile that betrayed my features as I finally opened my eyes and tilted my head back enough to blink up into his perfect face. "You let me fall asleep." I accused in a weak voice, although still smiling broadly.

He smiled brilliantly down at me, making my heart flutter as his lips touched my forehead, affection evident in his actions. "I'm sorry." He whispered after he'd freed his lips, but I knew he could never mean that. His radiant smile betrayed him.

Purely out of curiosity, the thumb on my left hand reached across its palm to the base of my ring finger, feeling for a band of any sort. To my surprise, it found one. I glanced down, reluctantly pulling my eyes away from Edward's gorgeous face, and it was all I could do to keep from gasping at the beauty of it. So it was really true. Edward _had_ proposed. That hadn't been a dream. A wonderful, unbelievable, impossible dream. It had indeed, been reality. "It's so beautiful." I whispered more to myself than anyone, astonishment evident in my tone as I studied the ring.

Edward kissed my hair again. "You're beautiful." He corrected me in a voice barely above a whisper. I said nothing in reply. It seemed he'd taken to telling me this quite often lately. I didn't mind, of course, but it was hard to listen to from someone so perfectly god-like. His fingers entwined in mine on the left hand I was holding up already and his lips went to my ear. "I still can't believe you said yes." He murmured softly.

Now I tilted my head again so I could meet his tender gaze. "You sound surprised." I remarked, perplexed, but he only chuckled softly and shook his head, clearly still in sock. "Alice wasn't sure." He explained quietly. Now he had my full attention. I felt my eyes widen before I asked them to do so and I slid away from him a mere matter of inches on the mattress, just enough to look at him squarely now. "Alice knows?" I demanded, mortified.

Edward shrugged helplessly, still smiling. "How could she not?" He reminded me. "She knew I was going to ask you to marry me, but she was unable to see the outcome of it due to the fact that you hadn't made up your mind yet. So she couldn't tell me what you were going to say. You didn't even know about it until it happened."

I knit my eyebrows together skeptically. "Does she know now?" I wondered aloud.

Edward shrugged a second time. "I couldn't say for certain." He replied, his tone as curious as mine. "It depends on the exact moment you made up your mind. If it was at exactly the same time that you told me, then no, she probably doesn't know. She can only see the future. Not the present. But if you decided _before _you gave me the word, then she probably saw it coming."

I thought hard when I heard this. I couldn't remember the exact moment. I couldn't remember deciding to say yes…I remembered weighing my options, thinking about how wonderful Edward was and also thinking that I was only eighteen, but it seemed, I was unable to define the exact moment I'd known for certain. It could have been before I supposed…

"What about the rest of your family?" I inquired, still curious.

Edward shook his head. "Unless Alice told them, no." He assured me. "I didn't want to get their hopes up until it was official."

Now I was more confused than ever. "Did you think I was going to say no?" I questioned, desperate for answers now.

Edward looked at me seriously. "Well, you did the last time." He reminded me, his voice still gentle despite his expression.

I rolled my eyes irritably. "Technically, I didn't say no." I reminded him in return. "But I didn't say yes either. I didn't say it because I was still just a young, stupid, human girl with parents to deal with."

Now he looked confused. "So, what's changed then?" He wondered, only thinly veiling the insult that was the undertone in his question. I chose to ignore it and simply answer him, storing the information away in the back of my mind to use against him later. "Well," I sighed smartly, "I will be soon, for one thing. And then I'll probably never see either of my parents again, not to mention any of my friends from school." I caught the guilty expression that tainted his perfect features for just a moment and quickly revised. "But I don't care about any of that stuff, Edward." I assured him gently. "When I'm with you none of it matters. I love Renee and Charlie, but they'll never truly understand who I am. You do. They can never give me my greatest dream. You can. I know they love me, but _I _love _you_. Who _you _are. And I could never give you up for anything in the world."

Edward touched my face just lightly enough to send shivers raining down my spine. Even after all this time, he still made my heart go wild. "Can I ask you a question?" He whispered tenderly in my ear.

I smiled and let my eyes close again. "Anything."

"Why _do _you love me?"

My eyes snapped open. "What?" I couldn't believe my ears. Was he seriously asking me this question? "Are you kidding?" I demanded, my voice loud now, urgent.

Edward seemed to regroup when he caught the alarm in my tone. "What I mean is," he rephrased quickly, "why me? I don't get it. Of all the boys that asked you out in your first couple of weeks at school here, why did you pick me?" Was I really hearing this?

"You never technically asked me out." I reminded him pointedly.

"No." He agreed. "I didn't."

"Maybe that's why." I mused aloud, remembering that awful week before the school dance, when I'd been asked to it several times over by several boys, one right after the other. "At home no one ever looked at me like I was somebody, you know?" I continued, my expression thoughtful. "And then suddenly, when I came here, it was like I was a supermodel or something, and I didn't care for all the attention." I looked at him. "And then you were there." I pressed on, my tone lightening with some, more happy memory. "You fascinated me. You stayed clear of me when you could, which was enough to catch my attention in itself. None of the boys here seemed to have the same intentions you did. You were only there when I needed you the most. And then I needed you more often…and you were there more often. You were smart and strong and confident. You weren't like anyone I had ever met before. I think I knew I loved you right from the start…even though you could really push my buttons in the beginning."

I laughed heartily and Edward joined in, recalling all those times we'd ended up arguing over some stupid little competition matter long before we were ever an item. My smile faded slowly as I looked at him again. "So why did _you _choose _me_?" I asked, genuinely curious now. After all, mine seemed like a much more legitimate question. I never had been able to understand why Edward Cullen, the smartest, best-looking and most desirable boy in school had chosen to go out with _me_. It had never quite added up. Maybe now was my time to finally get some answers.

Edward looked at me just the same way I had him only moments ago when he'd asked the same question, like he didn't understand how I could even ask such a thing. But I didn't buy it. I needed to hear his reply.

"Well," he shrugged as though it should have been ridiculously obvious, "when I look at you…" he paused, struggling for words, "I mean, _look _at you."

I blushed a deep shade of crimson but didn't give in that easily. "Come on," I laughed, embarrassed, "why?"

He rolled his eyes and sighed, as though wondering how I could seriously not get this. "I was genuinely intrigued the first time I saw you. Fascinated. Just the fact that I could hear everyone else's superficial, trivial thoughts made me wonder why I couldn't hear the same things going through your head. It made me think that maybe I couldn't hear your thoughts was because you didn't think like that. You were different. You ran deeper than everyone else and that…that amazed me to no end. The more I got to know you the more fascinated I was. You're amazing, Bella. I suppose that's why I chose you. You're beautiful and wonderful and sweet. I don't know what I would do without you." He paused, thoughtful. "Hell, I can't even get the image of you out my head that first day."

I wasn't entirely certain I was buying this. I had to test him, just to be sure he was sincere, although I was fairly certain he was. "Do you…remember what I was wearing?" I questioned, a sly smile working its way onto my features.

Edward laughed. "A white, sleeveless shirt and blue jeans."

I thought my eyebrows might shoot off the top of my head. "Wow." I breathed, more than impressed. "Do you remember the first thing I ever said to you?" I decided to pry the matter until I was satisfied.

Edward laughed again, that chiming, enchanting laugh that I loved so much. "Yeah." He chuckled in reply. "I believe it was a stunning combination of verbal diarrhea and brain freezes."

Now I knew I was blushing furiously. I felt my cheeks grow hot. _Oh, crap. _I thought, mortified. _He remembered. _I opened my mouth to say something…_anything_, but, it seemed, I'd reverted to that first day and was repeating the motions I had gone through during our first ever conversation. But now Edward was roaring with laughter, unconcerned with the volume of his voice in the empty house around us. Then he softened, taking my face in his hands and looking me squarely in the eyes. "And that was the moment I fell in love with you." He whispered.

I felt my heart warm in my ribcage. This made up for everything and more. Just hearing him say those words was worth it all, and because of this, if I could go back and change that first day, I probably wouldn't bother for fear of it changing the events that followed.

I lay my head on his chest again, enjoying the feeling of his cold skin beneath my cheek. I was suddenly and gleefully reminded of the fact that we still had all day together. He didn't have to leave right away the moment I woke up as he normally did. Charlie would be gone until tonight. We could lay here for hours if we wanted to…

I sighed dreamily. "Can we just stay here forever?" I murmured in a voice so low that I had to wonder if he understood me, but, it seemed, he had no trouble doing so. I felt the coolness of his cheek on the top of my head. "That was the plan." He replied softly. And then his attention turned to other matters. "I was thinking, though that later we could tell Carlisle and Esme and everyone about the engagement." He suggested, his voice amused. "They're probably sitting at home staring at the clock, waiting to get to me the moment I walk through the door." Placing one, cool hand on the side of my face again, he lifted my chin so I was looking at him. "Are you up for it?" He asked me.


	11. Chapter 11: The Announcement

**Chapter 11: The Announcement**

I let Edward drive us both back to his family's magnificent, white house this morning since I always had trouble finding the secluded driveway amongst the summer greenery that spread like wild fire through forks every season. It was there in the winter as well, of course, but in the summer it was thick enough to stop a transport truck dead in its tracks should it collide with it, not much unlike a brick wall.

I made the conscious decision to keep the ring on my finger as we pulled in. After all, if we were just going to tell them anyway, there was no point in hiding it as I was planning to do Charlie. This could be fun, I convinced myself, if, of course, Alice hadn't told them already. And if she indeed had not, I was sure they were all going to be thrilled. Edward's family had always been wonderful to me, no matter what I managed to put them through as a clumsy, accident-prone human being. Of course, I was sure they'd forgiven me after their son flew to Italy intending to kill himself and I returned with him on my arm, smiling and waving like a maniac. Even though I knew I didn't, I could almost recall shouting, "nobody panic! I got him!"

I remembered how grateful Esme had been to be. She was always kind, of course. Carlisle could not have picked a more wonderful, motherly figure for his children. Even Rosalie had thanked me for saving her brother, which took me by surprise, but even so, the Cullens had never been spiteful toward me…for _anything_, despite all I'd done to their family.

Before I could so much as reach for my passenger's side door handle, Edward had opened the car door for me in that old-fashioned, gentleman-like manner that I loved so much. Smiling gratefully, I stepped out of the car and stumbled only briefly on the driveway before Edward caught me and stood me upright, chuckling, clearly amused. I glared at him, but this wasn't an easy feat to accomplish considering the last twenty-four hours and that dazzling smile of his…

Edward led me into the house, his arm encircling my waist protectively, as though he were more nervous about this than I was. I reassured him by planting a quick, encouraging smile on his cold cheek. That gorgeous smile reappeared instantly.

I couldn't help but grin broadly myself as I stepped through the front door to the huge, white mansion, recognizing and silently greeting my surroundings with a longing, 'hello stairs, couch, piano. I really missed you.' It seemed I always felt more comfortable among Edward's family and belongings than my own. Perhaps it was because my own held so many recollections of unpleasant conflict with my family. Or perhaps it was because the Cullens loved and treated me like their own daughter, and they would die before any of them let something happen to me. Both seemed like perfectly plausible explanations.

Alice was the first of the bunch to appear, bounding down the stairs like an ecstatic Chihuahua when she caught sight of both of us standing by the front door. I quickly stuffed my left hand in my pocket. I could tell just by the expression on her pixie-like features, however, that she already knew the outcome. She hadn't known it until we'd walked in the door. And then she'd obviously seen what we were about to announce to the family.

It seemed Edward was on the same mind track that I was, for, the moment Alice began to shout, "Carlisle! Esme! Everyone get down here now! Edward and Bella are…" he snatched the back of her shirt in one, strong fist and yanked her to him in a motion that I thought would have been painful had the victim not been immortal. He wrapped his free hand tightly across her still-open lips, silencing her immediately before she could reveal anything to the family. Then his lips found her ear and I could only just make out what he was saying to her. "Don't blow it, Alice." He whispered. "We want to tell them ourselves." Then he released her, seemingly confident that she would keep her mouth shut.

She crossed both arms over her tiny chest and pouted, obedient, although she was still grinning in a manner that reminded me of the Cheshire cat from Alice and Wonderland. Then a thought entered my head. Maybe that was where Alice got off to in her head sometimes…Wonderland. I couldn't help but laugh at the notion. It could very well be true…

Carlisle and Esme appeared in seconds from the kitchen, their expressions expectant, questioning. Clearly Alice had said _something _to them, just not the entire something. Emmet, Jasper and Rosalie were at the bottom of the staircase now as well, next to a silent and clearly aggravated Alice.

"It's so good to see you again, dear." I was in Esme's warm, welcoming arms before I had a chance to say hello. I recognized the difference in the hug immediately. It was tighter somehow, more affectionate than usual. Normally it was looser, more careful. The moment she released me, Carlisle's strong, strapping hand was on my shoulder. "Likewise, Bella." He told me gently. I smiled in return. I liked Carlisle. I remembered the first time I'd seen him. I was in the hospital as a result of nearly being run over by Tyler Crowley in the school parking lot. I lay on a gurney in the emergency room, not a scratch on me, but mortified over the ridiculous precaution when he appeared, Edward smirking at his side, clearly amused by my predicament.

I'd thought Dr. Cullen was good-looking, charming and not unlike his son in many ways, only slightly older. I enjoyed being in his company always. Next to Edward, Carlisle was certainly the one I felt safest around. He was a _doctor, _working every day around blood…gallons of it. And never once did he let himself taste a drop. He was certainly the most controlled, and the most comforting.

Jasper and Emmet waved from the staircase. I would never get over Emmet's grizzly-like size. "Bella." He greeted cheerfully. I nodded my acknowledgment and now Rosalie flashed me a more beautiful smile than I would have thought possible from her. "Hello, Bella." She surprised me by welcoming. Rosalie and I were still far from being best buds, but she was certainly coming around, just as Edward had said. She was willing to help me when I needed it, and she didn't glare at me any longer, so I supposed that was something.

Esme spoke again now. "Now, Edward," she turned to her son, "what's this all about? Wasn't Alice calling us?"

I could see how hard she was trying to keep the excitement out of her face and say nothing, just in case I hadn't said yes last night, but it was clearly difficult for her. This gave me some comfort. At least I knew which way it would go when we told them.

Edward motioned for everyone to move into the living room, where a couch, a loveseat and two arm chairs resided not too far off from that beautiful piano Edward had played for me once before. I smiled a little wider now. "Why doesn't everyone sit down?" Edward suggested good-naturedly and in a surprisingly composed tone for someone who was about to tell their entire family he was engaged.

Carlisle and Esme took their places on the loveseat while Emmet and Rosalie went for the couch. Alice sat on the arm of one of the chairs which Jasper was also sitting in, one of his hands entangled in hers lovingly.

Edward stood, which, I assumed, was a pretty good indicator that I was supposed to stand as well. Not wanting to appear too possessive of him in front of his wonderful family, I merely hung off of his left elbow before his arm slowly wrapped itself around my waist, forcing me to let go and be satisfied with his hold on me.

"We just wanted to let you all know," Edward began, his perfect voice wavering ever so slightly, "that…um…" he was struggling for words again. This was not a color that I enjoyed seeing on him. He was usually so confident. "Bella and I…" he seemed to finally decide on a way to do this. "…love each other very much. And last night…"

I glanced around at all their expectant faces and prayed that Edward would hurry up. I couldn't stand the tension in the room any longer. "Last night…" It was clear he was attempting to get straight to the point, not bothering with small talk in the least. They would know if he was trying to stall. "Last night we…"

That was it. I couldn't take it anymore. I decided to rescue him. Tearing my left hand from my jeans pocket, I held it up for everyone to see, and savored the joyful smiles that seemed to spread across the room so quickly that I didn't have time to see them all before I spoke. "Edward proposed to me." I told them, having to raise my voice over the gleeful shrieks that were already radiating from certain individuals who had noted the glorious diamond on my finger.

Edward kissed my temple gratefully. "Thank you." He whispered so only I could hear. I grinned up at him. "No problem." I had to mouth the words quickly before Esme and Alice were on me, demanded to see the ring and raving about how excited they were. They both crushed me into another hug and for a moment I wondered if they were ever going to let go. Even Rosalie was smiling from where she stood by the couch, her arms folded uncertainly, but a grin evident on her features. I beamed in silent reply.

Emmet had already gotten a hold of Edward as the room exploded in a whirlwind of motion and disbelieving cried of joy. The relief I felt in that moment was overwhelming. Then I though I was stupid for ever thinking they might be upset in the least.

I felt Edward's arm slide away from my waist as gently as possible as Emmet grasped him around the chest and crushed him into an embarrassing bear hug, the hand that wasn't holding him ruffling his hair so hard that it looked almost painful as he congratulated him. Jasper was there too then, patting him on the back and crushing him in his own hug.

When Carlisle approached me the motion stopped with a frightening abruptness. My smile faded as I struggled to match his serious expression. Esme and Alice stepped away from me immediately, giving the head of the household his moment with me.

Placing both hands on my shoulders, Carlisle's eyes bore into mine with a seriousness that I'd never seen from him before and my mind sifted through ways to react. This was so sudden, unexpected. "Bella," he said to me, his voice quiet, "you are a wonderful, charming, kind young lady." I could feel the blush creeping into my cheeks as I watched Edward out of the corner of my eye, silently supervising from across the room.

"Edward couldn't have found someone better." Carlisle pressed on, still holding my gaze seriously. But then his voice lightened and I let out my breath in one heavy sigh of relief at Carlisle's next words. "Welcome to the family!"

We spent the remainder of the day at Edward's house, sitting in the living room and discussing every detail of our upcoming wedding, Esme continuously slipping in that she couldn't wait to have me as a daughter. This warmed my heart considerably. We didn't discuss my inevitable 'transformation'. Every time I came close enough to broaching the subject, Edward silenced me with a simple look in those perfect golden eyes of his. It was clear he was still going to try to find a way out of it. I could see that. He wasn't big on the idea of taking my soul away and then condemning me to the worst pain any person could ever feel. But so what? I would convince him…somehow.

Finally though, my eyes drifted to the clock on the wall and I started, leaping from the couch. "Oh, crap! Charlie!" I exclaimed as I made for the door at a brisk pace. Edward was close behind me, along with the rest of his family. "I'm really sorry to leave like this," I apologized as I opened the front door for myself, "it's just that my father's going to be home soon and he's going to be wondering where I am." I left out the fact that I wasn't allowed to be outside the house with Edward, let alone at _his _house, with _his _family, talking about _our _wedding.

Esme's smile was more than reassuring. "Of course, Bella." She forgave me softly. "We'll see you again soon, no doubt. You get home to your father now."

I flashed her a grateful smile and waved to everyone else as Edward ushered me out the door, urgency in his own step now as well. "Goodnight everyone!" I called as I waved. But I was gone before they could reply, Edward racing me to the car at a now-panicked pace. I was going to be in so much trouble for this…


	12. Chapter 12: Facing the Music

**Chapter 12: Facing the Music**

Edward drove fast even for his usual pace. I knew he was doing his best to get me home quickly, that he was as concerned as I was for what was waiting for me, but he hid it well. My only indicator was the speed at which he drove. Other than that he kept his features composed and reassuring as he tried to distract me.

"So," he breathed, flashing me a brilliant smile from the driver's seat as he took my hand in his, fingering the engagement ring on it meaningfully, "do you want me to talk to Charlie tonight?"

I raised my eyebrows, surprised. "You?" I asked, more than puzzled. Charlie was _my _father. _I _should be the one to tell him. As much as I liked the idea of the dirty work being done for me, it simply didn't seem right.

But Edward nodded. "Well, yeah." He replied with a shrug, as though this should have been obvious. "You know, I'm asking for you're daughter's hand in marriage and all that."

Despite myself, a broad smile broke my features. "Edward, that's really sweet of you." I acknowledged gently, but then my voice hardened. "But I can't let you do that."

He shrugged a second time. "We do it together then."

I shook my head. "No." I replied firmly. "I should be the one to do it."

Now Edward looked at me more seriously than before, his expression perplexed. "We did it together with my family." He reminded me pointedly. "What's the difference?"

My answer was simple. "The difference is," I replied sharply, "_my _father will _kill _you."

Edward laughed, a hearty, musical sound that warmed the pit of my stomach to no end. He looked over at me again. "I think I can handle him." He assured me, his tone more amused than before. I pretended to think about it for a long moment, simply to give Edward some credibility for his generous nature. "Thank you, Edward." I told him finally, my voice sincere. "But really, I'll be fine. This is something I think I'd just better do on my own." I paused for a long moment as the smile faded from his features and he appeared thoughtful. Finally, he nodded. "Alright." He replied softly. "As long as you're sure…"

"I'm sure." I promised. "And besides," I added in a lighter tone, "I wasn't really planning on doing it tonight. That fishing trip probably took a lot out of him so I'm going to wait until he's in a good mood." My eyes wandered to the glass of the passenger's side window and I sighed, trying desperately to decide if there was even a right way to do this. A way that would sound right to the chief of police and the father of an eighteen-year-old girl. I watched the greener-than-green countryside pass us at an impossible speed and finally decided that I didn't have to figure this out tonight. I would give myself as much time as possible before I eventually had to say something. Then I thought of something else. If I was going to keep this from Charlie, then I would have to make certain he didn't find out some other way.

"And Edward," I turned my gaze on his angelic face again.

"Hmm?"

"I know your family's going to want to tell people, but I have to make sure Charlie doesn't find out before I get the chance to…" I didn't get a chance to finish. Edward turned his eyes on me and smiled, silencing me for good. "Mums the word." He promised me quietly, taking his hand from mine and making a zipper-pull motion across his beautiful lips. "No one will know."

Now my smile returned, growing bigger than it ever had this evening. "Edward, thank you." I repeated sincerely, relief flooding my voice as I looked at him. "I know it'll be hard reining Alice in especially, but it won't be for long, I promise. I'll tell him as soon as the right moment comes."

He returned my smile, sending my heart fluttering wildly in my chest. That was one of the reasons I loved him so much. He was so understanding when I needed something, like I could never put a foot wrong in his eyes.

But then I realized that we'd pulled into Charlie's driveway and Edward had pulled to a stop, both of us groaning audibly when we noted the police cruiser in the yard. _Damn, _I couldn't help but think. He'd beat us here. Then an expression came over Edward's features that I couldn't understand. It seemed to be a mixture of fear and guilt as his eyes turned to the house. The kitchen light was on.

"Edward," my voice was near panicked as I took in his expression, "what's the matter?"

"Charlie." Edward whispered simply, slowly turning his ochre eyes back to me as he pursed his lips in thought.

I raised my eyebrows. "What about Charlie?" I demanded, officially alarmed now.

Edward sighed. "You'll find out." Then his voice softened. "You'd better get in there, and Bella?"

I stopped, already half out of the car.

"I love you."

Smiling ever so slightly through my concern, I pulled myself back into the confines of the silver Volvo and pecked Edward quickly on the lips. I moved to leave again, but as I tried to pull away, Edward's iron grip tightened on my wrist, holding me in place. "Remember," he added tenderly, but before he could finish the sentence, I did it for him.

"You're never far away?" I guessed, only a little amused.

He nodded. "That's right." Then he let go of me, allowing to race from the car and up the porch steps to the back door that led to the kitchen. I heard his tires squeal frantically on the pavement as he hit the road again, the tail lights of his car disappearing into the night as he gained more distance between us faster than I would have thought possible. Something about his tone just before he left had scared me a little. I hated it when he said stuff like 'you'll find out'. Whatever it was, I had a feeling it wasn't good. I carefully pulled my engagement ring from my finger and stuffed it into the pocket of my jeans.

I watched him go until he was completely out of sight before I turned to the kitchen door and turned the old door knob, warily letting myself in. Charlie was there, standing by the counter, a panicked look on his weathered features as he held the kitchen phone to his ear. The moment he saw me though, his eyes widened and relief flooded his tone as he relayed this new development to whomever it was he was talking to. "Oh!" He cried out suddenly, sounding as though he were interrupting someone on the other line in mid-sentence. "Never mind. She just walked in the door." That said, he slammed down the phone, not bothering to wait for an answer.

Then his enraged, frightful gaze turned on me. "Where the hell have you been?" His tone was sharp, conveying the message to me that the rest of this conversation wasn't about to go smoothly. My reply was simple. "Out." It wasn't exactly about to win me an award for creativity, but it got the job done.

Charlie looked at me as though I'd grown a second head. "Out?" He repeated angrily, his voice cynical. But now I was the one to get angry. I had a mind of my own after all. And his abrupt tone with me didn't settle my reaction. "Yeah, Dad." I replied a little more harshly than intended. "I'm eighteen years old and when an adult with a life of her own decides she's going 'out'," I made quotation marks in the air with my fingers, "she goes _out_."

Charlie raised his eyebrows. "Huh." Was all he said in reply before turning his back momentarily, as though composing his thoughts. "Well, Billy told me something interesting while we were away." He changed the subject suddenly, making me nervous. "Apparently he saw you 'out'," he mimicked my motion, "with Edward on the fourth of July…at the fireworks."

Now I froze up completely, fear exploding in every corner of my body as I scrambled for something to say in reply. I could think of nothing that would get me out of this one. He knew. And there was nothing I could do about it. My cover was blown. I was busted. I wouldn't be able to leave my room for a year. Suddenly I wished I was back at that restaurant with Charlie, eating a nice, quiet dinner and talking mush to each other. Why couldn't it be like that all the time…?

"That's right, young lady!" Charlie exclaimed when I didn't reply, clearly seeing the fright in my eyes and deciding to push it further with the phrase 'young lady', knowing all too well that that would infuriate me beyond repair. "I know you snuck out of the house and with _him. _God help me, Bella, I could just…" He let his voice trail off implyingly. His face was a frightening shade of purple and his hands were clenched into fists at his sides, trembling furiously.

I felt tears sting the corners of my eyes. Suddenly I remembered Edward just moments before he left me tonight, his expression fearful for me, sympathetic. He'd reminded me that he loved me. Reassured me that he was never far away. Now I understood. He'd probably wanted to stay with me more than anything in that moment. To protect me. But I wouldn't let him.

"Bella, I don't think I've ever been this mad!" Charlie remarked, his voice rising in volume again. "God, I can't even…I can't even look at you right now!" I didn't doubt that he was telling the truth. I had never seen Charlie this worked up in my life. Although I suppose he had good reason…

"Dad," I managed to croak through the tears as I felt my heart begin to sink into my stomach ever so slowly, painfully, "Dad, please." I knew I was begging like a pathetic little girl, but I didn't care. That's probably what I was at the moment. "Try to understand."

He exploded again. "What's to understand!?" He demanded. "I love you, Bella! I take care of you and try to protect you and next thing I know, you're running off with some guy! Directly disobeying practically the only orders I've ever given you!"

"Dad, he's not 'some guy'!" The fighter instinct in me awakened, it seemed. Suddenly I wished Edward were here with me. Actually, if I was wishing for things, I wished I was part of Carlisle's family. I wished I was over there right now, with them. Laughing and enjoying myself. Not here. Trying to fend off my furious, ruthless father. And then suddenly I abandoned every plan I'd made tonight concerning informing Charlie of my engagement. This was the only way to truly make him understand.

"He's an adult and so am I!" I shot back, hot, angry tears streaming over my features. "And he loves me more than you will ever know!" That's when I reached into my pocket and drew forth the engagement ring, placing it meaningfully on my finger before turning to inspect the damage I'd done to Charlie's expression. "We're getting married." My voice was quieter now, more careful as I took in the look on Charlie's face. It looked almost deadly venomous. First shock, then fury swept over his features then, finally, pain. Every range of emotion that I'd prayed I wouldn't see when I told him the news. Every range of emotion that opposited Edward's family's reaction.

The shaking stopped and he grew quiet, although his breathing became louder. For a moment I was worried I'd just given him a heart attack. Then it seemed, he couldn't take this any longer. He turned away from me, his head bowed as he leaned both hands against the kitchen counter. "Go to bed, Bella. We'll discuss this in the morning." I knew that tone. What that tone really meant was 'you've made me so angry that I'm beyond yelling and can't look at you anymore.' He'd used it once before…on Renee.

I couldn't let it end like this. If it ended like this I would never see him again. "Dad…" I began, but was abruptly cut off.

"I said go to bed!" He snapped sharply, his face still turned away from me, staring blankly at the kitchen wall before him. Now the tears were never going to stop I was sure. The dam burst open and they flowed through in a whirlpool of emotion as I ran for the stairs, tripping and falling a total of four times before I reached my bedroom, sobbing almost to the point of hysterics now. That did not just happen. He did not just yell at me as he had my mother. He hated my mother. He didn't hate me…did he?

I couldn't stop the anger and fear from exploding into wracking sobs as I hit my bedroom door, swinging it open with a furious momentum. He was already there. Standing, his arms open and ready as I collapsed into his chest, sobbing wildly against him as one of his hands went to the back of my hair, holding me against him while the other one held my back, stroking it affectionately, trying to comfort me. I held him so tightly I was afraid I would have killed him had he not been who he was. I never wanted to let go. Never wanted to leave him. I loved him so much…

His velvety voice was tender as he spoke into my ear. "Bella, I'm so sorry." He whispered sincerely, kissing the top of my head.

"It's fine." I gasped through the tears. "This only makes things a whole lot easier."

After a moment Edward picked me up almost effortlessly in his arms and placed me on my mattress ever so gently before laying down next to me, still stroking my hair affectionately as my sobs eventually quieted to whimpers, which after a long while, settled to hiccups and the tears dried, staining my features as I drifted to a restless, sorrowful sleep in his arms.


	13. Chapter 13: Sirens in the Night

**Chapter 13: Sirens in the Night**

I couldn't be entirely certain what woke me that night. It could have been the noise from the streets, I supposed or the abrupt and devastating change in my surroundings, or it could have been something as simple as the glow from my alarm clock as I let my eyes flutter open and read the neon green numbers on it: 2:26AM. _What_? What could have possibly woken me at two-thirty in the morning? I wasn't a heavy sleeper most of the time, but I was certainly a sound one. I very rarely woke up at any point during the night.

And then I knew. I was warm. Too warm. Hot and even sweating a little beneath the covers with the humid, summer air drifting in through my open window. Slowly, careful not to shock myself too much but knowing what was coming, I turned my head to scan my room. Just as I suspected from my unusually high body temperature this time of night, I noted with a devastating combination of confusion and concern, that my vampire, my portable cooling system, was not at my side.

I sat bolt-upright immediately, throwing my quilt off of myself and doing a quick double take of the room. "Edward?" I whispered quietly, knowing that wherever he was, whatever he was doing, he would hear me and reappear at a moment's notice. But he didn't.

I swung my legs over the side of the bed and stood, holding one of my bottom bedposts for support in the darkness. "Edward?" My call was harsher now, although still in a whisper, more urgent. Where was he? This had certainly never happened before. I never thought it possible to happen. I fought to swallow the terribly frightening, but true notion that for the first time in a very long, wonderful time, I had woken up alone. I didn't let myself recall the last time I had done so. That was simply too devastating to remember now.

But I couldn't ignore the truth. He was gone. If he wasn't, he would have come when I called. He'd ventured further away from me than his promise allowed. Why?

That's when I caught the unmistakable flashes of blue and red out of the corner of my eye, radiating in from the window. And I could hear the sirens, so loud that I was certain they'd woken the entire neighborhood. They must have been passing right in front of the house!

I raced to the window, nearly tripping over the basket of dirty clothes at the foot of my bed before I reached it. When I finally did, I hung my head out of it purposefully, letting the warm breeze lick at my face as I observed the scene before me. Several emergency response vehicles of every possible category were blazing down the road in front of the house. I tried to fight down the horror. I had never seen so many ambulances and fire trucks anywhere in Forks! They must have been dispatched from a nearby town!

I felt my heart begin to race. What was going on? Then I heard the screen door to the kitchen bang shut and my eyes dropped to the back deck that was just below me. Charlie was striding toward his cruiser at a purposeful pace, clad professionally in his police uniform and strapping his utility belt around his waist as he walked. This was my only chance for answers and I wasn't about to miss it.

"Dad!" I called, my voice sounding far too loud for this time of night that was so usually silent, but he didn't respond. Either he couldn't hear me over the wailing of the sirens or he chose to ignore me, a perfectly understandable explanation after the row we'd had in the kitchen earlier that evening. I tried again. "_Charlie!_" I screamed as he neared his cruiser. Now he looked up.

"What's going on?" I demanded, alarmed.

But he looked more frightened than I as he noted my head hanging of my bedroom window, as though I had something to do with this whole thing and God forbid that I knew something about it. "Bella!" He exclaimed, his tone firm and urgent, as though he didn't have time to argue. "Go back to bed!"

But I wasn't about to give up that easily. If he wasn't going to tell me then I would go downstairs and find out myself. "What is it?" I asked again, my tone resolute as more fire engines screamed past. Charlie saw them go and looked as though he didn't have much time. He had to get rid of me and quickly. So he didn't dance around the truth any longer. He threw it in my face. "There's a fire over at the Cullen place!" He shouted.

Now the underlying fear that had been slumbering calmly in my stomach erupted, exploding in my chest. My blood ran cold. "What!?" I moved to head for my bedroom door but Charlie's voice stopped me. "Bella, stay here!" He commanded sternly. "Do you understand me?" But he didn't wait for an answer. He was already climbing into the driver's seat of the police cruiser. "Stay here and don't you move! I'll be back as soon as I can." That said, he slammed the door the vehicle and sped out of the driveway, causing chunks of gravel to fly dangerously through the air as he spun his tires and switched on his sirens before disappearing with the rest of the emergency response crews down the road.

_Stay here, my butt! _I thought the moment he was out of sight. The panic in my throat was inescapable. There were no tears yet, but I was certain they were on their way as I stomped down the staircase in our little house and made for the back door, car keys grasped tightly in one hand.

Shoving my bare feet into my black, all-weather boots and tucking the tops of them beneath my pajama pants, I headed out into the muggy night air wearing only my tank top on the top half of my body. For the first time in my entire time living here in Forks, I prayed for rain. Anything that might help with this emergency. And of course, on the very first time that I prayed for rain, rain failed me. It was dry as a bone out here.

I reached my truck at as fast a run as I dared. If I tripped and fell now, it would only slow things down. But, to my amazement and shock, I didn't. I managed to stay upright until I was finally in the driver's seat, roaring the engine to life.

I pushed the gas as much as I could without breaching my ancient truck's physical limits. My mind was racing, spinning in endless torrents of nonsense as I tried to get a grasp on all that was happening so quickly. Was it happening at all? I had to ask myself. No. It couldn't be. Of course this wasn't happening. I would reach Edward's house and everything would be fine. Perfectly normal. Oh, God, Edward. He must have gone home, I realized with a frightful start. He would have gone home and gone into the house…no. I couldn't let myself think that way. This was all just a dream. Just a horrifying, dreadful nightmare. That was all. That was all it could be.

But blaring ambulances and fire trucks around me screamed otherwise as I neared the secluded wood in which his house resided. I had no trouble finding the driveway tonight. The bright, menacing glow of the flames led me right to it.

I felt fear course through me like lightning as I turned up the drive. "Oh no." I felt a knot tighten in my throat as I looked at it. I almost couldn't bear to look at it, but for reasons beyond my own fathomable comprehension, it seemed I was unable to tear my horror-stricken eyes away. My old truck's windshield reflected the terror of it all. The demonic glow that emitted from the blaze, making it look excessively brighter in the surrounding darkness of the night. The enormous group of frightened people gathered around, both emergency response workers and humble spectators who'd come for merely a glimpse of the ever-so-rare excitement in the monotonous little town of Forks. Nothing like this ever happened here. At least not before I arrived.

I clambered from my truck immediately, leaving the door ajar and the key in the ignition as I raced for the house. I was no longer thinking logically. To me being practical no longer made any sense. Panic had taken its toll on my eyes now and they flooded with tears. This wasn't happening. It couldn't be. But it was and I had to do something. Anything. My legs were burning as I approached the inferno, approached the emergency crews, my lungs tightening with both tears and the choking aroma of smoke as I started screaming. "Oh no." It started quietly and then got louder. "No! Oh, God, please _no_! _No_!"

Charlie was there, watching helplessly from the sidelines in his police uniform, both of his hands on the back of his balding head as he watched, his eyes wide with horror. He turned when he heard my hysteric cries. "Bella!" He exclaimed when he saw me racing toward the house. His tone, which was only slightly angry to begin with, quickly turned to concern. He gestured to a firefighter that was standing near me. "Restrain her!" He ordered urgently as he turned his motion to indicate me.

"No!" I was hysteric now as I felt the firefighter's iron grip tighten around me, holding me in place with a great deal of difficulty as I kicked and struggled with every ounce of might I had in my small frame. I had to get to the house. Had to do something. But it was no use. I would never best this brawny fireman in a battle of strength. He held onto me tightly, constricting my chest and shoulders in his arms as he struggled to keep me where I was, to reason with me. But I wasn't about to listen to reason.

"Oh, God no! No!" I felt as though my lungs might burst as I screamed more loudly than I could ever remember doing before. The once glorious, white mansion was now completely wrapped in flames, clearly long out of the firefighters' control. Water was being dumped on it almost excessively, but they might as well have been sprinkling miniscule drops of water on it for all the good it was doing. The water sizzled and evaporated on impact. Dead on arrival. I didn't like the sound of that.

The blaze was almost too bright in the night air to look directly at, but I couldn't let myself look away. Flames spouted from every window and doorway. Every hole that could have, at a certain time long ago, been an exit was now massive, roaring walls of fire. It thundered over the sirens, over the shouting, so loud it could have been deafening to any one inside. And clearly fatal. A tower of putrid smoke poured into the hot air above the house I was sure, although I could hardly see it this time of night. It only seemed to make the night darker around the house. The house. It was being destroyed. Completely engulfed in the raging inferno. All the rooms would be gone. The beautiful piano. All of it. Up in smoke in seconds.

Fire flared up off the roof and out of the walls as well as the windows. It was more than I could bear to watch. And what of those inside? All too suddenly, I recalled something Edward had once told me. _"How can you kill a vampire?" _I'd once asked him. He'd hardened then, looking at me seriously. _"The only way to be sure is to tear him to shreds, and then burn the pieces."_


	14. Chapter 14: Fire!

**Chapter 14: Fire!**

And then I was screaming again. "Edward!" I yelled as loudly as my lungs could manage, although they burned with the intensity of my voice, the volume. "Edward, no!" I thrashed against the firefighter's hold, tuning out his voice as he tried to reason with me, to calm me down. There was only one voice I wanted to hear. It was gentle and soothing, like honey on a sore throat. And I had a feeling the owner of that voice was trapped inside that house.

I thought of Rosalie and Emmet, Jasper and Alice and Esme…Carlisle. I couldn't imagine any of them trapped, helpless. It was too…human. They were too good for that. They couldn't die. They were indestructible. But then I remembered Edward's words. They very well _could _burn to death.

The house was old, ancient. It had probably been built hundreds of years ago and that made it little more than kindling for a hungry flame. It had probably gone up in a matter of seconds, giving the family almost no warning at all. But what about Alice? She must have known. She would have told them. Hadn't she seen _anything _coming? Anything at all? She must have.

All around me was chaos. I couldn't think. I couldn't hear anything but the roar of the flame, the shouts from the spectators and firefighters…and my own, hysteric voice as I screamed and cried my heart out, praying to God in heaven, if He did indeed exist, that they would be okay. That _Edward _would be okay. But looking at this blaze, that didn't seem like a probable possibility. I could feel the scalding heat radiating from it from here. "_Edward_! Please, God, no! Edward, no!" I couldn't lose him now. Not now. Not when I loved him so much. I quickly made a deal with myself that if he didn't come out of that house – I couldn't bear to think of the idea – I wouldn't be far behind him. I couldn't live without him.

The flames rose into the night higher still. In some, sick, ominous way they reminded me of the fireworks that night on the fourth of July. Random, spontaneous and demonically beautiful in their own way. Horrifying. Nightmarish.

One of the other firefighters came close enough for his colleague (the one who was holding me) to ask one of the thousands of questions that were racing through my mind. "Dr. Cullen and his wife?" He asked his coworker, only a fraction as concerned as I was for their safety. The other fireman shook his head and shrugged helplessly. "They're still inside." He informed him in an exasperated voice. "We're trying to keep the house stable until we can get them out, but if we don't find them soon it's going to be too late. The kids are in there too."

I couldn't listen any longer. "Oh, God! _Edward_!" My throat was beginning to burn from all the desperate screaming, but I couldn't stop. I was no longer responsible for my own actions in the state I was in. Terrified, steaming tears poured over my cheeks as I watched, too helpless to do anything. Too…detained.

Then, _there! _Out of the corner of my eye! I turned and saw, as if by some miracle, a firefighter had appeared out of the blinding smoke and flames at what used to be the front door. And he was dragging a body. For a moment I thought it was Edward and my heart leapt. If there was a body, then they had to be alive, right? And then, as the fireman dropped the young man on the lawn at the mercy of the paramedics, I was able to recognize the slightly bulkier frame and honey-blond hair in the darkness. Jasper. He didn't look unconscious, at least not completely. He was moving. _Thank God_. That's one out of seven that I so desperately needed to see before I let myself calm down in the slightest.

When I shifted my widened eyes back to the house from the lawn, I noted two more firefighters appearing in the doorway, each supporting one end of a small, ginger-haired woman. "Esme." I caught myself whispering as I looked at her. She looked alright. Her normally porcelain skin was blackened considerably by the charcoal that spouted from the smoke and flame and she was clearly not conscious in the least, but she looked unscathed, and that must mean she was alive. I wondered, momentarily, how a vampire lost consciousness and eventually decided they would have to be harmed pretty badly for that to happen. Fire could do it, I supposed. My mind reeled.

My eyes searched the house over again from where I stood, still tightly restrained by the fireman and unable to do anything. No one else appeared. The blaze was clearly getting worse. I could just barely see the walls of the house now, they were so completely wrapped in flame. And the tiny portions of it that I could see were blackened beyond recognition.

I let my eyes wander back over to Esme. Two paramedics had arrived at her side now as the firefighters raced back into the burning building. As I watched, one of the paramedics searched her body for bad wounds while the other took her pulse. After a moment, though, he looked up and shook his head at his colleague. _She's alive, you morons! _I caught myself thinking as I looked at them from across the lawn. _She doesn't _have _a pulse! _Then Esme woke up and I saw the shock on their faces. It was almost enough to make me laugh through the tears. Seeing the Cullens rescued by everyday, average people was something I never expected to see in my life-time. However long that may be.

Then I heard the voices of the two firemen who'd gone back into the house. They'd come out again. I tuned out the shouting around me just enough to hear what they were saying. "We need a stretcher over here!"

I looked back in the direction of the front door…and my heart stopped. That's when the screaming started again. "_Edward!_" I exclaimed when I saw him, supported the same way his mother had been, slung, limp, between the hands of the firefighters as they carried him down the porch steps. "Edward! Oh my God! Edward!" I thrashed against the hold of the fireman beside me, desperate for him to let me go to him now. A paramedic arrived at the steps, rolling a gurney in front of him as he did so. The firemen dropped Edward on it instantly and turned to rescue more. I couldn't tell if he was conscious or not. He wasn't moving.

"Edward!" I kicked out, hungry for liberation. "Let me go!" I screamed at the firefighter, who finally released his hold on me when he was convinced I wouldn't go rampaging into the house. He realized the one I really wanted to see was out here now, and a safe enough distance from the blaze that it wouldn't be dangerous for me to be at his side. Besides, I reasoned as I raced in the direction of the gurney, he had probably tired of trying to restrain me a long while ago.

I ran as quickly as my legs would carry me, not concerned anymore about tripping and falling. Embarrassment was furthest from my mind at the moment. I just had to get to him…and then I was there, at his side. My voice quieted, but my tears hadn't a chance of doing so. "Edward." I half-whispered through my tear-strained voice. His pale face was more god-like than I had ever seen it, shimmering ever so slightly, barely noticeably in the red-orange glow of the fire. His eyes were closed, but he looked as though he might be moving, a little.

Placing one, trembling hand as gently as I could on his forehead, against his bronze hairline, I took one of his hands in my free one and leaned down close to his perfect face. "Oh, God, Edward." My voice was barely above a whisper this time. His skin was hot…too hot. I let my tears fall on his cheeks and eyelids, hardly noticing enough to give them credit as his golden eyes fluttered open ever so slowly. I started sobbing again. "Oh, thank God." I exclaimed, exasperated as I let my face fall onto his shoulder and I balled into it. My voice was muffled now. "Oh, thank you, God." Then I looked up into his face again. "Edward, are you alright?"

"Bella." His voice didn't sound like it should. It was too course. Not as smooth as it usually was. Hoarse with the smoke no doubt. But the smile that played on his perfect lips then was almost too much for me to take. "What are you doing here?"

I started crying all over again. My hand stroked his hairline affectionately and, without answering, I let my face fall onto his, crossing the short distance between our lips so I could kiss him, just for a moment, just quietly. Seeing Edward hurt and helpless, at the mercy of _humans_ was something I almost couldn't bear seeing. When I finally broke apart from him, not letting my eyes leave his face, I heard another all-too familiar voice. It was just above my head, on the other side of the gurney. And it was smoothly irresistible, just as it was the first time I'd heard it.

"Are you alright, son?"

I looked up quickly and smiled through the tears. "Carlisle." I whispered, just barely understandable through the wracking sobs. "Thank God."

Edward looked at his father and nodded. "Yes." He assured him in a quiet voice. "I'm fine."

Carlisle then turned to the attending paramedic and nodded to the gurney, knowing that his status as a doctor in this small town would be respected and obeyed. "Let him off." He commanded in that gentle, incredible voice of his. But the paramedic looked wary, more than wary. Shocked. "Dr. Cullen," he protested in an all-due-respect tone, "he's probably got carbon monoxide poisoning through the roof and those could be third-degree burns on his arms!"

I looked down, horrified to discover that the man was right. Edward's arms were scathed and blistering badly. It looked so painful…

"You heard him." Carlisle insisted in a firmer voice now. "He's fine. Let him down."

The paramedic looked indignant to this request, but felt he had to oblige, it seemed, for he then stepped aside, leaving Edward free to get down off of the gurney.

The moment he was on his feet, I was in his arms, sobbing into his chest for the second time in the last twenty-four hours, the top of my head tucked consolingly under his chin. My arms were hugging him tightly too me, never wanting to let him out of my sight ever again. "Oh, Edward!" I managed to gasp through the tears, which were flowing more freely now than ever before. I felt his hand on the back of my hair, caressing my scalp tenderly as he kissed my temple. "Shh. Bella, shh. It's alright."

I shook my head almost violently against his chest. "No!" I protested weakly as I clung to him. "I almost lost you. I thought I'd _lost _you!" I was balling again, my tears soaking through his shirt. Every word I spoke was true though. For a moment there, I'd thought I'd never experience the feeling of him holding me again. This moment was a miracle.

"Bella, shh." He did his best to quiet me, his other hand running the length of my spine affectionately, calmingly. "It's okay." His voice was soothing again now, and I felt my tears silencing in the very slightest. "I'm here now." Then, in a lower voice, his lips against my ear. "I'm here now."

That's when I remembered his wounds and pulled back, only slightly, just enough to take his blistered and burned forearms in my hands, looking down at them in horror. "Edward," I whispered through what tears still remained, "your arms."

But he merely shook his head and pulled them from my grasp, wrapping them around my shoulders again. "I'll be okay." He assured me, his voice confident, knowing. "They will heal." He must have caught the skeptical expression on my features then, for he quickly explained. "Vampires don't scar." For some reason this didn't surprise me.

"Hello, Bella." I whipped quickly around in Edward's arms to face Esme, smiling broadly and standing before me, Carlisle at her side. "Esme!" I exclaimed, relief flooding my face and voice. And then, more concerned. "Are you alright?"

But she merely nodded and waved on hand dismissively, her expression relaxed. "Of course, dear, I'm fine." She assured me earnestly. "Don't worry about me."

I managed a small smile now too. This family never ceased to amaze me. And then Rosalie was there, elbowing her brother casually in the ribs. "You okay?" She asked Edward, her tone just barely passing for concerned, more like amused. Edward grinned and nodded. "Fine." He told her. Then I saw Emmet and Jasper as well, both standing near us, they're expressions sober and calm. Even happy. Jasper laughed, a gesture that only surprised me for a moment. "Mercy, that thing made a horrible noise, didn't it?" He exclaimed, his voice light and easy, as though none of them were the least bit worried anymore.

Edward laughed now as well, a sound that warmed me to my very core. A sound that, moments ago, I thought I would never hear again. "See, Emmet," he chuckled, glancing over at his brother. "This is why we don't play with fireworks."

Now the entire family erupted in relieved, joyful laughter, but Emmet quickly shrugged and shook his head, clearly missing the joke. "It wasn't me!" He defended quickly. "I don't have a clue what happened!"

Now the laughter faded and everyone exchanged perplexed glanced with everyone else. "How _did _this happen?" Esme wondered aloud, glancing back toward their house. It shocked me that they didn't seem concerned or upset that all of their belongings had been destroyed, their home. Then again, I supposed they'd had worse.

That's when Carlisle's expression suddenly hardened to a panic that I'd never seen on him before. "Where's Alice?"


	15. Chapter 15: Winds of Change

**Chapter 15: Winds of Change**

No one answered and for a moment it felt as though an electric vibe of panic coursed through every one of us as we stood there, in stunned silence. "She didn't come out?" Edward demanded finally, breaking the silence with an alarmed voice. Carlisle shook his head, his expression strained with concern. "No." And then he seemed to think of something else. "Did you see her?"

But Edward was the one to shake his head now and shrug helplessly. "No. I went in looking for her, but I couldn't find her. I figured she must have already come out."

Esme looked at her son seriously. "You couldn't find her?" She repeated, her brow creasing with obvious worry. Then her hands flew to her mouth and she shot a serious glance at Carlisle, who draped one arm across her petite shoulders comfortingly, kissing her hair the way I sometimes felt Edward do to me when I was upset. But it was clear that Carlisle was doing much better than his wife. I knew what this meant. Edward could find anyone within a certain radius without difficulty. He could hear their thoughts and track them to where they were. But if he wasn't able to find Alice it meant one of two things: either she wasn't in the house…or she hadn't made it. And Carlisle already said that no one had seen her come out.

All at once our eyes turned back to the house, which was slowly beginning to look like nothing more than a giant bonfire. The firefighters were dumping more water on it now than ever. I started as one corner of the roof caved in, sending sparks spraying in every direction and a burst of flame flaring out to one side. I swallowed hard. Alice wasn't in there. She couldn't be in there. How could she of all people get trapped by the fire? She would have seen it! She would have…

But before I could finish that thought, one of the police officers that had attended the blaze approached our little group, holding his cell phone up for Carlisle to take. "Dr. Cullen, you have a phone call." He informed him, his voice respectful, but Carlisle merely waved it away dismissively. "Take a message." He instructed firmly, clearly trying to communicate the fact that now was not the time for any phone calls, but the officer looked at him more seriously now and held it up for him again, certain this time, that he would take the call. "It's your daughter." He informed him quietly.

Now Carlisle's eyes widened and he took the phone from the police officer without hesitation. Holding it to his ear, he tolerated the relieved and questioning glances from the rest of us. "Alice?" He asked urgently when he had the phone properly in hand. I couldn't hear the other side of the conversation and I was certain no one else could as well, despite their heightened senses. The noise out here at the moment was almost too much for us to hear anyone speaking directly to us at all.

Carlisle listened for the briefest of moments before shaking his head and interrupting his daughter. "Whoa, whoa, whoa." He spoke quietly, just barely slow enough for me to understand him. "Alice, calm down. Everyone's fine. We all got out okay. Where are you?" Now his expression altered to shock. "Italy!?" He exclaimed. "Wait, just a minute. What are you doing there? Are you okay? ……_Who_ has you? ……_What!?_" But then his expression changed again. It was quieter somehow, enraged. I had never seen Carlisle angry before. I supposed it wasn't an emotion anyone saw on him often. But I could certainly see it coming into play if one of his beloved children was in danger…I suddenly wished I could hear the other side of this conversation. "Alice, listen to me," Carlisle began again, "everything's going to be okay, alright? I promise. We love you and we aren't going to let anything happen to you."

Then it was clear that he was speaking to someone else. Someone else on the other end of the line had taken over the conversation. For now Carlisle simply listened, silent, thinking. Finally, he nodded once. "Yes." He acknowledged in a low voice. "I understand……certainly." And then his tone changed again. "But I'm warning you," – this was certainly something I'd never thought I'd hear Carlisle say – "if you hurt my daughter in _any _way, if, when I see her again, there's a single scratch on her…" But his threat trailed off into silence as the person on the other line cut him off, speaking to him again. Now I was sure I could hear what they were saying. The noise had died down enough around us. _"You're not exactly in a position to be making threats, Carlisle." _I heard the faint voice on the other end of the line tell him in a calm and almost amused voice. _"Six days. That's all we're giving you." _Then I heard the line go dead and the dial tone take over.

Carlisle closed his eyes for a moment, as though fighting back some helpless rage before he slowly lowered the phone from his ear, and flipped it shut.

When he'd opened his eyes again, I looked at him seriously. "Six days for what?" I demanded, but I had a feeling I already knew. From what I'd managed to hear out of the conversation, I supposed I'd gotten the main point of it. Alice was in Italy, which could only mean one thing. Carlisle confirmed my suspicions as he relayed us the conversation he'd just had. "The Volturi have her." He informed us quietly. I heard Esme's desperate cry from beside me as the information registered. Carlisle continued, ignoring his wife. "She's safe…for now anyway. They said the fire was a warning." He then turned his gaze on me. "They said that if Bella isn't changed in six days…" He let his voice trail off implyingly and then rephrased his thoughts, clearly not wanting to upset anyone. "We won't be seeing Alice again."

Edward's head snapped down to look at me immediately, shock and horror mirrored in his beautiful eyes. But I wasn't looking at him. I turned my attention to Carlisle and Esme. "I'm so sorry." I told them gently. "I'm sorry this is all over me. It's not right." I felt tears coming into my eyes again, but I fought them back, desperate and simply too exhausted not to stay calm anymore. But Esme merely looked over at me and shook her head kindly. "It's not your fault, Bella dear." She assured me softly. "You didn't ask to be involved in any of this. If anything, we should be the ones who are sorry."

Carlisle placed a reassuring hand on my shoulder. "Don't think on it for a moment, Bella." He told me. "Esme's right. This isn't your fault."

But I couldn't shake the feeling that it was. How could it not be? The fire, Alice's kidnapping. This was all because of me! Suddenly I wished I'd never been born. That Edward never had to suffer meeting me. Just as I'd always expected, I didn't deserve him. He could have died in that fire and even _that_ was set over me! Suddenly I felt sick. None of this was fair. Now Edward's wonderful, bubbly sister was being held hostage in Italy. And it was my fault. My fault just for being alive. This was all happening too fast.

Carlisle then returned the phone to the attending officer and nodded casually when the policeman asked if they had somewhere to stay. "We'll stay at the motel until we can get in contact with some friends of ours." He explained and then continued when the officer looked indignant to the suggestion. "It's not a problem." Carlisle assured him softly. "We can take care of ourselves."

Finally satisfied now, the officer nodded once and patted Carlisle congratulatively on the shoulder before turning away. "I'm glad you all are alright." He told them before he disappeared amongst the rest of the crowd that had gathered. I wanted to look back at the house, to see what further damage there had been, but before I could, something else caught my eye. Jasper sat on the ground a few yards off, his face in his hands as he seemingly tried to get a grasp on the situation.

I wasn't alone when I wandered over to him. The rest of the family trailed behind me, knowing immediately what the problem was. "She'll be okay, Jasper." Rosalie promised him softly as she bent down so she was at eye-level with him, both of her hands on his shoulders. Carlisle nodded from where he and Esme stood, looking down at their son. "We won't let anything bad happen to Alice." Carlisle assured him. "And we have to remember that whatever _does _happen, we're still a family. We stick together no matter what." Then Carlisle turned to me again, placing one hand on my shoulder just as he'd done so many times before. "Bella," he murmured to me in a calm voice, "I'm sorry this has been brought on you so suddenly. Are you ready?"

I started. "Now!?" The word came out more surprised, more shocked, even more frightened than intended. Glancing at Edward, I silently hoped that I hadn't unintentionally relayed the impression that I didn't want to do this, because I did. I just hadn't expected everything to happen so quickly.

Carlisle shook his head and looked at me seriously. "No." He corrected quietly. "It doesn't have to be now, but soon. Very soon. Is that okay with you?"

I thought about this for a long moment and finally nodded. "Of course." I replied sincerely. After all, there was nothing I had ever wanted more than to be one of them. To be a part of their family. A surge of excitement coursed through me with only a miniscule undertone of fright. Being nervous was understandable. I would have to prepare myself for the pain, but I was ready to make that sacrifice. It would be worth it.

"You'll have to go home first." Carlisle went on, explaining to me his specific instructions. "Say goodbye to whomever you need to, but, whatever you do, don't tell them the real reason you are leaving them. I normally don't approve of lying, but in this case the truth is unacceptable to communicate." He paused momentarily and sighed, shooting me a sympathetic expression. "I wish you had more time." He told me earnestly. "But you'll have to pack your things and then meet us at the Green View Motel just down the road." – I knew the one he was talking about; there was only one motel in Forks – "After that, you're with us."

I blinked back yet more tears. "I can't have any contact with anyone?" I confirmed, a little partial to the matter. "My father?"

Carlisle shrugged casually. "A little, I suppose. Within reason. But he can never know what you are."

I nodded, thoroughly understanding. "Of course." This was going to kill Renee. She can barely go five minutes without having some form of contact with me. What was she going to do when I suddenly disappeared out of her life forever? I would have to tell her somehow. Break it to her gently. If I didn't she would have the FBI all over both Charlie and the Cullens. I couldn't have that. I would have to condition her, keep her from panicking somehow. I sighed. This wasn't going to be easy.

Turning, my eyes found Charlie. He was standing at my truck, holding the driver's side door open and watching me meaningfully. I knew what he wanted. Turning back to Edward, I hugged him purposefully for the thousandth time that night, snuggling my face comfortingly against his chest. His arms encircled my back. They still felt too warm for my liking. It wasn't like him to have a higher body temperature than me, but I quickly consoled myself by the reminder that it would come back down soon enough and either way, in a few days mine wouldn't be that much different than his.

"You're sure you're okay?" I asked, pulling back just enough to look into his face. He smiled my favorite, crooked smile and nodded. "Yes." He promised me smoothly. "I'm fine."

I sighed and let just one more tear sneak out of the corner of my eye. "Oh, God, I was so scared." I breathed in one, airy breath as I pressed my cheek against his shirt one more time. He kissed the top of my head and chuckled. "I love you." He murmured gently. I pulled away completely now placed my hand on the side of his face, staring up at him through tear-filled eyes as I did so. He leaned into my touch and smiled. Then he took my face in his hands and pressed his lips with the lightest of pressures against mine. I stood properly still, just thankful that I got the privilege to experience that feeling at least one more time.

When he pulled away I smiled through blurred vision and turned to leave, reluctantly breaking my hold on his hand. I would see him again soon, I reminded myself quickly as I strode away toward my truck. In fact, soon I would be spending the rest of my life with him. "Goodnight, everyone." I called over one shoulder as I left. They waved goodbye as well. All except Jasper, who still stared blindly, robotically at the ground by his feet.


	16. Chapter 16: Cutting the Ties

**Chapter 16: Cutting the Ties**

I heard the kitchen door slam and started. Had I fallen asleep? I couldn't be sure. Then I glanced over at the clock. Yes, I had definitely fallen asleep. It was just after six in the morning. Groaning audibly, I reluctantly pulled myself into a sitting position on the couch, pushing a few strands of my hair behind one ear as I rubbed the sleep from my eyes. All too suddenly, the horrible memories of the night before washed back in angry torrents. I groaned again. I couldn't believe it had all really happened. I felt like crying, but, clearly, now was not the time. I would save it for when I was in a comfortable, quiet environment. And Charlie's living room at six o'clock in the morning, still dressed in the same, smoke-smelling clothes I'd had on last night was far from comfortable.

I'd sat up waiting for him to come home. I remembered that. I needed to relay to him a lot of devastating information in an impossibly brief period of time. Then again, I supposed I'd convinced him to let me out of his life in less than fifteen minutes once before. This shouldn't be too difficult. Had he been out all this time?

"Bells?" I heard his voice from the kitchen. To my relief it sounded tired, not completely alert. And certainly not angry. All of this would work in my favor. I had to get to the motel as soon as possible. I didn't have time to blow through another heated argument as we had the night before. No. This morning would only be about getting straight to the point.

I tried to make my voice sound strong, awake. No such luck. "In here!" I called in reply, my voice weak with exhaustion, just barely audible. I was surprised he'd heard me at all.

He appeared in the doorway in a matter of seconds, looking like death itself as he hung up his utility belt. I thought he could have passed for a vampire, had he been a bit younger and more perfect-looking. His eyes displayed dark, bruise-like rings beneath them and his skin was paler than I'd ever seen it. He did not look good. "Morning." He murmured just barely loud enough for me to hear as he crossed the room to where I sat.

To my surprise, he lowered himself onto the couch next to me, embracing my shoulders in the length of his fatherly arm. I really hoped he wasn't going to try and make amends. I simply couldn't take it if I had to break his heart all over again. But I would have no choice. If that was what it came to, then there was nothing I could do about it.

"You okay?" He muttered in my ear in a gruff but gentle voice. I thought briefly about explaining everything to him right off the bat. No need to procrastinate. Just get it all out and over with, but it seemed I couldn't bring myself to do it. So I merely sighed and nodded. "Yeah." I half-whispered in response.

Charlie chuckled then, but it wasn't an amused laugh, like so many of Edward's were. It was different. Relieved and concerned all in one note. "I thought I was losing you there for a minute." He told me, referring to the night before. I knew exactly what he must have been envisioning in his mind in that moment. It was the image of me, being held back by that fireman, kicking and screaming like a psychopath as a fire destroyed my boyfriend's house. "You really care about him, don't you?" His voice was soft, tender, as though he was finally beginning to understand.

_Yes! _This was all I had been wanting for the past several weeks. I just wanted him to understand! Understand how much I loved Edward! Understand that that love needed to be allowed. But now, in the moment that I felt he was finally getting it, I suddenly wished he didn't. I suddenly wished we were fighting again, so angry with one another that we couldn't even look at each other. That way I might be able to walk out on him with a little bit of justification. But it seemed irony had other ideas for us.

I nodded a second time. "He's my life, Dad." I explained to Charlie simply, tears choking my voice as I tried to speak. I opened my mouth to say something more, but stopped as Charlie's hand found mine and fingered my engagement ring meaningfully. We both looked down at it, neither of us smiling as we took in the beauty of it. Charlie was silent for a long minute, lost in thought I was sure. When he finally spoke again, his tone was wary, clearly careful of upsetting me. "Bells, I love you. You know that, don't you?" He lifted his eyes to mine and fought back tears as they glazed over. _Oh, God. I was a horrible person_.

"Yeah, Dad. I know." I paused momentarily, weighing my options. "I love you too." Suddenly I wished I was a vampire already, and couldn't cry. That way I might be a little better at concealing my true emotions. My mother was right; I _was _an open book. I just had to tell him and get it over with. I opened my mouth again, but he was faster. "Bella, about last night…"

Oh no. I couldn't let him do this. It was just make it that much harder. "Dad, I…" I tried to cut him off, but he held up one hand to silence me and to my own pitiful self-loathing, I quieted.

"Just, let me finish, okay?" Charlie pressed on, clearly desperate to get whatever this was off his chest before his emotions took over and he couldn't. "It's not that I didn't want you to be happy. Because I do, Bella. I want you to be happier than any other little girl out there." – I caught the aggravating choice of wording, but chose to ignore it for the moment – "It's just that you and the Cullen boy have been so…" He hesitated, searching for words, "…off and on." – For a moment I was confused, but then I recalled the night Edward had run me out of town, trying desperately to keep me safe from James. As far as Charlie was concerned, we had broken up more than once. – "It scares me sometimes." He continued. "I'm afraid you are going to get hurt again. And I'm afraid for your life if you do." He sighed, composing his thoughts again. "When you came home last night, I knew you had been out with _him_. And I knew you'd been sneaking out for God knows how long before that. I guess that's when it really hit me that…I'm not in control anymore. I can't protect you any more than you can protect him. And then _that _scared me more than anything else."

I was crying now. I felt the tears as they streamed over my face, staining it for what felt like the billionth time in the past twenty-four hours. I'd barely considered the words before they escaped my lips in a strangled whisper, anguished. "I thought you hated me." I managed through the tears, through the lump in my throat as I remembered Charlie's expression the night before. That motion that reminded me so much of how he normally treated my mother…

Now Charlie's expression changed and he softened again, no longer in control of his emotions. "What?" He whispered in shocked despair. "No, Bells. No!" Then he hardened again, taking my face in his hands. "Don't you ever even dare think that! I love you more than anything in the world. And nothing that you have ever done or can ever do will change that." …_so far._ I caught myself thinking as I thought of what I was about to say to him, crushing him forever. It was only one word, but it was enough to kill the brightest of spirits. That word was goodbye.

"Last night, when I saw you with him," Charlie pressed on, relentless, giving me no time to get across what I had to say, "I started to realize what you two had. I had it too…once. But I sincerely don't believe that you and Edward will end up the same way your mother and I did. You have a much stronger bond. Something so…private and special that even movie-lovers could only dream of it." He paused and his eyes searched my face for a moment. "I saw you when they pulled him from that house." He told me gently. "I saw the look on your face. The love that flashed across your eyes when you saw him. Then I saw you two together and I just thought to myself… 'my God. I couldn't tear them apart if my life depended on it.'" And then he looked at me seriously again. "And that's why I've decided to let it go."

_Oh no_. "Dad…" I tried again, but once again, I didn't get a chance to finish.

"I saw it last night, Bella." He continued, his voice soft, thoughtful. "You two are made for each other." And then he stroked my cheek affectionately with his fingertips. His eyes hardened. "And I will _always _love you, okay? No matter what. Don't you ever think that I won't." He was quiet for a moment, but I couldn't bring myself to interrupt him again. "Thing about me is, Bells, I get scared just like you. And when I get scared, I get angry. I'm sorry. I love you. I don't want to lose you." And then he pulled me into a warm, tight hug.

That was what did it for me. I felt the sobs coming before I could stop them, wracking my entire body as I sat there, holding onto my father as though this would be the last time I ever did so. And it probably would be. I savored it. Every moment. I couldn't let him go. It was in that moment that I realized how much I would truly miss him. That I realized how hard this was really going to be. I couldn't do this to him. But then I thought of Edward…and Alice. I could never let anything bad happened to her. This situation may have depended on love, but the more important one depended on the life of one of my closest friends. And I couldn't let her down.

I started sobbing harder still, holding onto my father as though I was a little girl again, waking up in the middle of the night as the result of a bad dream. Only then did I really understand Charlie. This was the way he always saw me. As a little girl, cradled lovingly in his arms. I would never be angry with him again. I'd finally seen eye-to-eye with my father and now it was too late. Maybe this was that moment in life that adults always talk about. The moment that you finally see your father as a person with a heart that can be broken and not just an authority figure who dedicates his life to ruining yours. Forever my daddy. Forever his little girl. That moment that you have to say goodbye.

All too suddenly, Charlie pulled away, ending the wonderful embrace as quickly as it had started. He looked into my face, his expression concerned with my wracking sobs. "Bells, are you okay?" He inquired softly, his voice still very tender. I decided then that I wasn't going to do this to him. Not to his face anyway. I couldn't bear to see the look in his eyes when I told him goodbye. So I simply nodded and swiped at the tears with the back of my hand. "Yeah." I squeaked quickly. "Fine."

Charlie furrowed his brow in obvious worry. "Are you sure?" He asked again. "You look as though you've got something on your mind."

I shook my head, desperate to end the conversation before I let something crucial slip, eternally silencing my future with Edward. "Really." I assured him, although my voice was still wavering, strained. "It's nothing."

Not looking entirely convinced, but clearly knowing that I would carry this conversation no further, Charlie reluctantly got to his feet, reaching for his utility belt again. "Alright." He sighed as he fastened it around his waist. "Well, we can talk some more later if you want. Right now they need me back at the station. I just came back here to check on you first."

I raised my eyebrows and scrambled to the edge of the couch. "You're leaving?" I asked, suddenly euphoric and devastated all at once. This would give me the time I needed, but it would do nothing for my emotional state.

Charlie nodded and sighed heavily. "Yeah. My God, what a night. The Cullens' house was completely destroyed. There's practically nothing left." He shrugged. "Anyway, we still have to figure out how it started…" – _I have a feeling you won't._ – "And then we've still got a bunch of paperwork to file so I'll probably be gone all day. We've got a lot to do." He was nearing the back door now. "See ya, Bells!" he called over one shoulder as he pushed the door open.

I swallowed the second lump that was rising in my throat again and nodded. "I love you!" I called with more meaning behind it than intended. Fortunately though, Charlie didn't seem to notice. He nodded and called back casually, "love you too! Bye!"

I gulped and closed my eyes for a long moment. "Bye, Dad."

I only opened my eyes once I heard the cruiser's engine fade into the distance, far out of sight. Only when I was sure I was alone. Then I blinked back the flow of tears, saving them for another, less important time, and stood from the couch. I stomped up the stairs to my room, where I switched on my computer for the last time and packed my bags while I waited for it to load. I stored into my bag only necessities, not wanting to burden myself with frivolous baggage. After all, the Cullens had nothing as it was. I figured there was no point in me having much.

When I saw that my computer was fully loaded and ready to go, I zipped up my bag and sat down at my desk, composing a quick and careful e-mail to Renee. I would have to handle this situation with more than sensitivity. It required skill, almost down to an art form. How do you say goodbye to your parents forever in a quick letter? How did you go about getting them to trust you and go against all of the parental instincts that they've spent the last eighteen years building up and simply let you go? No worries. No strings attached. That's when I remembered what Edward had told me the night he'd returned to Forks not too long ago. _"I thought that if I could make you believe that I didn't love you – the blackest form of blasphemy – then maybe you would be able to get on with your life that much faster." "A clean break."_

I thought about this for a long moment. Maybe I could use the same tactic he had all those months ago. It was so insane, it just might have a chance of working on Renee, the most impulsive and crazy of all parents. Charlie would never buy it, I was sure. Not after the last couple of days anyway…but Renee… I started typing:

_Mom,_

_This isn't an easy letter to write, but it has to be written. And I don't have much time so please, I'm begging you, listen to me. In a few hours, you are going to get a call from Charlie telling you that I'm gone. But please, _please _don't panic. And don't do anything impulsive or stupid. Don't come after me and don't try to find me. I don't want to be found. As much as I love you, I can't stand being under the control of my parents my whole life. I have to go. I'd say I'm sorry, but I'm not a very good liar. Goodbye, Mom. Have a nice life._

_-Bella_

I read it over once and sighed regrettably to myself as I clicked the _send _button. I didn't like breaking my mother's heart. It was fragile enough as it was, but I quickly reminded myself that only a portion of this e-mail was false. Some of it was true, but I'd lied about not being sorry and being under the control of my parents. That wasn't at all the reason I was leaving. But Renee was gullible and if I so much as breathed a word about the Cullens, she would have the FBI on their case in a manner of seconds, reporting something ridiculous like they'd kidnapped me or were holding me for ransom (hence the reason I told her not to do anything stupid).

I had to make it as heart-breaking as I could. The more thoroughly the bonds were shattered, the easier it would be for me to get away unattached. Not tied down in any way. All too suddenly I understood what Edward was trying to do to me all those months ago in the woods. He'd explained it all to me when he'd returned, but I could never truly see his point of view. Now I thought I had a pretty good idea. It was the only way.

Switching off my computer and hauling my little duffle bag downstairs, I grabbed a pen and a scrap of paper when I reached the kitchen. Charlie was going to be more difficult to deal with. He wasn't as disorganized and as hopeless as Renee could be. He wasn't as gullible either. He would never believe a story like I'd relayed to her. I would have to give him the truth. Well, as much of it as I could reveal anyway.

I lowered the pen to the surface of the paper and pressed, but nothing trailed out onto the page. I could think of nothing to say that would make this alright. Not a single word. Finally, after much deliberation, I decided on only a few simple words:

_Bye, Dad. I love you._

_-Bella_

There. It was simple, straight-forward, and difficult to argue with. I clicked the pen shut and dropped it on the table next to the note. I thought briefly if there was anyone else I would owe an explanation after I disappeared forever, but I could think of no one. Jessica and the others from school probably wouldn't care a whole lot if I went missing. Not that I could think of anything to say to them when I did. They didn't need the emotional stress of a note or a phone call. It would be easier if I just let them be. And then there was Jacob, but he already knew everything about the Cullens anyway and I supposed I would probably be seeing him as a result. There was no need to tell him anything.

Finally satisfied that I'd cut all possible ties, I slung the strap of my duffle bag over one shoulder and left the house, letting the tears go only when I was safely inside the silver Volvo that was waiting for me in the driveway.

**Author's Note: This chapter is dedicated to my dad.**


	17. Chapter 17: Tears For My Father

**Chapter 17: Tears For My Father**

Edward parked the car in the motel parking lot and waited patiently while I drained myself of my tears; every last one of them. I couldn't afford to cry anymore after this. I had already cried way too much lately. And I made a decision that this would be the last time I ever cried. Ever. Soon I would be transformed into an immortal being that wasn't even capable of crying, so I supposed I had nothing to worry about after that. But I did vow to myself that right now, in this moment, this would be the last time Edward ever had to watch me cry.

I didn't like shedding tears for my father in front of him. I knew it would only make him feel guilty for everything that he needn't feel at all guilty about. Even through my blurred vision I could see the anguish on his face. It would have almost been enough to kill me had I not been already damaged beyond repair in the last day or so. It wasn't his fault. He shouldn't feel badly that I was being torn away from my family…my life. I _wanted _to be with him, and probably would have done it myself eventually anyway. I'd just never expected it to be so sudden.

Finally, I thought my tears may have been quieting, but then an entirely new wave washed over me, seemingly from no where as I pictured Charlie's face. All the memories and laughs that we'd had together. My body was wracked with heart-wrenching sobs again. I didn't try to stop it. I had to get it all out. Every last drop. I wouldn't stand to have any more after this.

Without a word, Edward leaned over the center console and pulled me into a tight, comforting embrace. I accepted it gratefully, balling like a baby into the shoulder of his leather jacket as he held me against him, kissing my hair lovingly as he did so. I didn't want him to feel like this. Like he was the one causing me all this pain. This grief. But I couldn't stop the tears long enough to say anything to him on the matter. I just kept crying until it was all out. Until I was dry.

Finally, after it seemed like the storm had subsided and there was nothing left to cry, Edward pulled away, keeping his arm consolingly draped across my shoulders as I leaned back in my seat, letting the soar muscles in my sides and stomach relax. Whoever knew that crying could hurt so much? It could certainly take a lot out of you. I let my head loll to one side, facing him as I savored the feeling of his cool arm against my cheek.

The faintest of smiles played at the corners of his mouth, but it never reached his eyes. He was trying to make me feel better, but I saw straight through it. His eyes were still as sad and guilty as ever. He blamed himself for this. I could see it. The very sympathy and shame of it was palpable.

We sat there like that in silence for what seemed like hours in the warm interior of his car. I wasn't ready to face the rest of his family…the rest of _my _family in the state I was currently in. I had to compose myself first. Otherwise they might start thinking the same way that Edward already was. They may change their minds about my future with them, and I couldn't let them do that.

Finally, Edward was the one to break the silence. "You know," he half-whispered in his smooth, gentle voice, "we will understand if you don't want to do this." But his voice wavered, uncertain. He was trying to make it seem like choosing between me and Alice was easier for him than it really was. I raised my eyes to his seriously. I couldn't let him think that I had even the slightest idea of changing my mind, because I didn't. I wouldn't let him out of this that easily.

Reaching across the front of the car, I placed both of my hands on either side of his face, secretly enjoying the electricity of his cool skin against the warm palms of my hands. I let my eyes bore into his meaningfully. "Edward," I replied in a low, dangerous voice, "I love you. I love you so much that you have to be able to feel it. You have to believe me when I say that there is nothing in the entire world that I want more than to be one of you. A member of your family." I paused. "A vampire."

I searched his face for a reaction and when I decided it was unreadable, I pressed on. "I want to be able to have you for the rest of eternity." I told him. "I love you so much that it scares me sometimes. It scares me because I wonder if I will always have you by my side to love. I'm scared to lose you, Edward." Then I thought back over the last twenty-four hours. "When I got to your house last night and saw the fire…I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe that in an instant, in one, tiny, insignificant moment, I could lose you forever. I was so scared that I'd already lost you. And I couldn't bear it. I couldn't bear the thought that you might be…dead." I whispered the word. "That you were gone. Forever. It was all too sudden. All too…real. Like a nightmare, but it wasn't. It was true." I paused again, thoughtful for a long moment. "That moment was, by far, the worst moment of my entire life. In that moment, I wished I was dead."

I saw the look of horror that flashed across Edward's beautiful features and I continued before he could say anything. "When you went away last fall, I was devastated. Devastated, but satisfied. I was convinced that you were happy. That you were living the life that _you _wanted to live. And that made it bearable for me to be without you. Hard, but bearable. But at the fire was something totally different.It was unbearable. Unthinkable even. That I was here, alive, and you weren't. I felt more alone than I ever had before. It was…terrible. The world was suddenly a very awful place without you. It seemed dark and cruel, like something out of a horror movie. I couldn't stand it and I wanted out. I wanted to die."

Leaning across the center console again, I rested my head against his chest, sighing deeply as I breathed in his sweet, icy aroma. "I can't live without you, Edward." My voice broke and I sniffed as his cool hands went to the back of my neck, his fingertips entwining themselves in my hair. His other hand hugged me tighter against him. "I love you so much, Bella." He whispered in a muffled note, his lips moving against my hair. "I didn't want to leave you that night. I wanted to stay with you more than anything in the world."

I pulled back just enough to look into his face as he spoke. "But then I heard them. All of them. Their thoughts in my own head. Normally I can't hear the thoughts of those so far away from me, but when they were all thinking the same thing at the same time in such a frightened context, there was no way I couldn't hear them. The screaming of my family. The flames. I had to help them somehow." He took in a deep breath. "So I left. I went home and was inside the house before the firemen had even arrived. I tried to find them, but there was just so much…fire. And the smoke. It was everywhere. It blinded me in seconds." He shook his head ominously at the recollection. "I started looking for Alice, knowing her room wasn't too far away, but I couldn't find her. This confused me. I could always find her. She was always the one who let me into her thoughts on a regular basis. We knew each other more thoroughly than any of the others. But she just…" he shrugged, "wasn't there." He sighed and his features relaxed from the confused and angry expression he'd had on before. "Then the walls in the room caved in around me and something hit me – hard – in the back of the head. I blacked out. Fell down. I remember thinking, 'this is all just too human to be happening to me. I'm really going to die'."

Then he took my face in his hands and returned his thoughtful gaze to me. "That's when I thought of you. I felt the scorching heat of the fire and knew that I didn't have much time. I was going to leave you. I wasn't upset for myself, but I just prayed that you wouldn't do anything to harm yourself in my absence. That somehow you would be able to move on without me. That you could be _happy _without me."

That's when I cut him off. I couldn't stand to listen to any more of this. Shaking my head almost violently, I looked at him through widened eyes. "Edward, I could _never _be happy without you." I promised him in a quiet whisper. "You are my life. And nothing, _nothing _could tear me away from you…not even death."

Edward chuckled softly now, a light, musical sound that lifted my spirits considerably. Shaking his head, he looked up at me from under his lashes. "What have I done to you?" He laughed airily. I responded by leaning my face in closer to his and pressing my lips softly against his own. When I pulled away, I looked him squarely in the face and smiled. "You've given me a reason for living." I replied quietly, my breath still close enough to graze his face. "And it's with you that I'm planning on living forever."

Edward laughed again, bringing my spirits above and beyond what I'd thought their possible limits would be for today. "Ah, Bella," he sighed coolly, "nobody lives forever."

I crossed the small distance to his lips a second time and pulled away after a brief moment. "We will." I assured him, my voice low, as though I were making a vow that, on pain of death, would never be broken. But now his expression hardened again as he looked at me and he returned to his serious stature. "You know," he began again, his tone careful, "I still don't want you to do this. I don't think you realize how much you're giving up."

Now I kissed him a third time before he could continue, throwing my weight across the center console and onto him as I made this contact more passionate than the others had been, parting my lips ever so slightly before I pulled away. I just wanted to be with him. I didn't want to talk about what I was giving up. It was already done. I'd already given it up. "There exists no greater love than to give one's life for another." I whispered, quoting something holy to emphasize the irony in all of this.

Edward sighed again, more heavily this time as his golden eyes searched my features longingly. He shook his head sadly. "And so the lamb became a lioness." He murmured. But this made me smile and in response, Edward only grew more serious now. "I won't let you do it, Bella."

I sighed and rolled my eyes somewhat irritably. _Jeez, he was stubborn!_ "We don't have a choice anymore, Edward. I have to do it…for Alice's sake." I paused and recollected as Edward's expression turned almost angry. "But I want you to know," I continued in a more serious voice, "that if I did have a choice…" I hesitated, my eyes searching his gorgeous face, "I would do it anyway."

Edward took me in his arms again then, holding me tightly against his chest as he breathed in the fragrance of my shampoo. "I'm going to miss this." He muttered softly into my ear, making me look up at him with a perplexed expression. "Miss what?" I asked, confused. He sighed for what seemed like the thousandth time today as he looked down at me, no possible trace of a smile on his perfect lips anymore. "Everything." He replied, his eyes and voice sorrowful. "The glorious fragrance of you; your blood, the warmth of your touch, your endearing clumsiness." Now he smiled, ever so slightly. But the smile quickly faded as he kept talking. His eyes grew serious again. "Watching you sleep. So peaceful. So deeply. Running with you. Seeing the blood flood your cheeks whenever someone does or says something at your expense." – I was sure I was blushing at this very moment – "Seeing you blush. I'll even miss seeing you cry, Bella." He chuckled then, as though to intentionally lighten the mood. "I have to admit, I'm not only afraid for you, but afraid for myself as well. So many things that I'm going to miss…" His eyes searched my face again as he brushed his knuckles gently against my cheek.

I wasn't going to let myself cry again. "But it'll be better this way, Edward." I reminded him gently, my voice not entirely as confident as I'd hoped it would be. "You won't ever have to be so careful with me anymore."

He shrugged and lowered his eyes to his lap, slightly ashamed. "I kind of liked that." He admitted sheepishly.

I sighed. "Well, alright then. Let's put it a different way. You won't have to worry about me so much. I'll be a lot safer." I told him, my tone gaining certainty with every word. "And Jasper and the others won't have to fight their natural instincts every time I enter the room. You will never have to worry about hurting me again. And hey," I lightened suddenly, reminding myself of a child who'd just recalled something particularly exciting, "I'll have a cool new gift of some kind. God only knows what."

Edward was laughing again now, filling the car with the lightest of moods and completely making my day almost effortlessly. Finally though, he quieted, although still smiling broadly. He nodded. "Okay," he breathed after a long moment, "are you ready to go inside now?"

Now I was the one smiling. Taking his face in my hands again, I gave it a squeeze that annoying aunts sometimes give their nephews. "You're cute." I told him quickly.

He nodded again, suppressing a smile. His voice remained casual. "Thank you. Now, let's go." He was out of the car and on the other side of my door before I had a chance to say anything else. He opened it for me and helped me out.


	18. Chapter 18: Repercussions

**Chapter 18: Repercussions**

The moment we entered the little motel room we were met with chaos in its purest form. It seemed not having Alice around to stimulate him was beginning to take its toll on Jasper as well as the others. When Jasper was upset, that in turn meant everyone else was as well. After all, more often than not, he kept the mood of the entire room in check. It was in his control. And at the moment he wasn't so much as attempting to keep it in control in the least. My eyes widened in shock and I stalled in my tracks as I took in the ridiculousness of it all, Edward close behind me as well.

"Why do you even care what stupid channel we're watching?" Jasper demanded of Emmet loudly as he took the remote control from him on the couch, pointing it at the television set before them. Emmet sighed loudly and leaned across the cushions, tapping the underside of Jasper's hand with just the right amount of pressure to bounce the remote from his grasp, taking it back into his own possession as he did so. "Because, Jas, unlike you, my brain is actually big enough to appreciate good T.V.." He snapped in response. It was like watching two children fight over a toy. It was ridiculous.

Carlisle sat on the other side of the room, his eyes closed as he pressed his fingers into the corners of them, clearly trying to keep himself composed amidst all of this. I could see that he must have tried at least once to silence his sons, but to no avail. Rosalie sat against the opposite wall, her face in her hands in the same manner as her father. She wasn't doing well, either, I assumed, but it seemed that at least she had enough self-control to handle the situation. Or so I thought until she looked up, her eyes ablaze as she stared at her brother and husband from across the room. "Will you two knock it off!?" She exclaimed, her tone enraged and near frightening as her eyes bore into them.

Jasper turned his dark eyes on her now, fury flashing across his handsome features. "Why should we?" He demanded, all of his anger clearly turning on his sister now. Rosalie raised her voice still to a higher volume. "Because you're driving me _insane_!" She retorted sharply.

Jasper's eyes hardened further still. "Bite me!" He shouted.

Rosalie stood from her seat now, her perfectly-outlined eyes raging with an urge that she could just barely control. "Fine!"

Emmet looked over at her as well, his expression warning. "Rose…" He murmured, but at the same moment both Rosalie and Jasper connected for the briefest of seconds and glared at him. "Shut up, Emmet!" They yelled in unison, and, since Emmet certainly didn't want to turn his anger on Rosalie, he turned instead to his brother again. "Drop dead!" He yelled.

"Too late!" Jasper countered smartly, but it seemed this was the end of the argument as a fresh voice entered the row, a ring of authority in it that silenced every one of them. "Kids!"

The room fell into deadened quiet and every face glanced up at the door to see Esme standing there, her hands on her petite hips as she granted them all a look that just might kill had they not been so indestructible. "Please," but her voice didn't have the begging tone in it in the least. It was strong, "_try _to act like civilized human beings for once. I know it's difficult, but if you don't quiet down people are going to think you were raised by a pack of wolves!" That said, Esme sighed and shook her head before disappearing into the hallway again, clearly heading back to her own adjoining room.

The room stayed quiet. I could help but smile. As tiny and harmless-looking as Esme was, even Emmet, the bear of the family would die before he disobeyed her. Or probably would as a result.

As I watched, still stunned, Rosalie raised her middle and index fingers to her eyes and then pointed meaningfully at Jasper with the same hand, indicating that she would be watching him. Jasper responded in the most immature manner possible: sticking out his tongue like a five-ear-old and turning away. That's when I heard Esme's melodic voice again, ringing down to the room from the hall. "I heard that!" She called, thoroughly confusing but silencing them all for good.

I couldn't believe what I was seeing. From my own previous experience, I'd come to realize that this family was one of the most controlled, most accommodating families I had ever seen. They loved each other in ways that normal, human families could only imagine and they'd had playful rows before. Although I was certain that this one wasn't entirely serious, that some part of them was still teasing about everything they had said, there was an air about it that sent shivers cascading down my spine. It seemed Alice was the sunshine of this odd combination, and without her, there was only rain…storms actually. Bad ones. I had to admit, however, I couldn't honestly say that I didn't find this the least bit funny. It _was_ undeniably, slightly amusing to watch.

After a moment of awkward silence between the bunch, I felt Edward's cool hand on my shoulder and I twisted my head around to look at him. He was smiling and looked slightly apologetic. "Are you really sure you want to be a part of this?" He whispered, only half-joking.

I grinned and laughed softly. "Trust me." I replied, my voice barely above a whisper for fear of Esme returning and releasing her motherly wrath again. "There is nothing, _nothing _your family could ever do to repel me."

Edward raised his eyebrows and shrugged. "You haven't seen us hunt yet." He murmured pointedly into my ear. Now a new thought entered my mind, an interest developing as I turned fully to look at him, my eyes questioning. "Is that…something I'll get to see soon?" I wondered inquisitively.

Edward sighed then, his expression twisting into a mask of regret. "Bella," he breathed after a moment, "it may even be something you'll have to do."

All too suddenly, I felt chills sprinkle themselves over my neck and shoulders and it was all I could do to keep from shivering frightfully at the thought. I wasn't entirely certain I liked the idea of tracking down and killing animals with my bare hands, but, then again I supposed it wouldn't seem like such a gruesome idea when I was thirsting for the blood of another living creature. If that didn't repel me completely then I couldn't think of anything that would. I just hoped I would be able to control myself as well as Carlisle and the others someday. It would be a long haul, but it would be worth it in the end; I was sure.

Reluctantly leaving Edward's side, I crossed the room to where Carlisle was sitting at the little table and sat down across from him, my gaze questioning as I took him in. Seemingly sensing my presence, he looked up. "I'm sorry you had to hear that, Bella." He apologized good-naturedly, the corners of his perfect mouth turning up in the tiniest of smiles. "My family," he sighed, a hint of hopelessness in his tone, "they're really suffering at the moment."

I nodded, fully understanding as I struggled with possible options concerning how to get this across my lips. Finally, I decided on the simplest one. "I know." I replied, hesitant. "That's why I think it would be best that we get this whole thing over with quickly." Now Edward appeared at my side again, one hand resting on my shoulder protectively as he stood over both myself and his father, his expression hard. He said nothing, only listened, prepared.

Carlisle stared back at me for a long moment and finally nodded once in acknowledgment. "Alright." He replied quietly. "I agree. As long as you're certain that's what you want."

I smiled slightly at this. Even when his daughter faced certain peril over an entire ocean from here, he still managed to maintain that kindness, that compassion for all of those around him. Edward hadn't been lying when he told me the gift that Carlisle had brought over from his first life was his compassion. It couldn't be a truer statement. I nodded. "Of course I'm certain." I assured him, my voice as strong as my thoughts for once. "I would do anything to help your family. I want you to know that."

Carlisle's already-brilliant smile broadened at this, but he didn't give in just yet. "But I don't want you to do it for us, Bella." He reminded me gently. "I want you to do it for _you_." He paused, his ocher eyes searching my face. "Now, I'll ask you just one more time: Are you certain that this is what _you _want?" His expression turned serious again.

I pretended to think for a long moment, just for his own peace of mind, but the truth was, I needn't think about it at all. I had made up my mind a long time ago. Finally, when I decided I'd waited long enough to appear believable, I nodded. "Yes." I told him confidently. "I'm certain."

Carlisle looked over at me seriously and nodded once, clearly confident of my honestly. "Alright then," he agreed, his voice becoming more casual, "whenever you're ready." He leaned back in his chair, crossing one knee over the other as his eyes took me in, friendly, smiling.

Now I felt a sense of anxiety that I had never felt before. It was nervous, dreading even, but strangely proud. This was finally going to happen. And, as I looked over at Carlisle sitting there, relaxed, unwavering, I knew that I had nothing to fear. I would trust Carlisle with my life…and was going to have to, I supposed. Glancing about myself nervously, I turned my eyes back to him and spoke again. "So," I breathed, doing best to control the trembling that worked its way into my voice, "are we going to do it here?"

But before he could answer, I felt Edward's hand tighten its grip on my shoulder and he spoke up for the first time. Looking up at him, I saw that his eyes were hard, desperately trying to control his temper, I was sure. "We can't do it here." He spoke directly to his father and not at all to me. His gaze fluttered to the room around him momentarily before setting again on Carlisle. "These walls are pretty thin, Carlisle. They'll hear the screaming."

I felt chills race down my spine for the thousandth time today. "Screaming?" I repeated, my voice losing some of the certainty and confidence it had held before. "Who's going to be screaming?" The questions poured from my mouth before I could stop them. "I won't be screaming." I tried to assure them, but I found that I could just barely assure myself of the matter.

But now both Edward and Carlisle merely glanced at me through skeptical eyes, not bothering to comment on the matter. Finally, Carlisle sighed, speaking to his son again. "I hadn't thought of that." He admitted dejectedly. But then a flicker of comprehension flashed across his features and he glanced up at Edward again. "I have an idea."


	19. Chapter 19: Last Sleep

**Chapter 19: Last Sleep**

"Aright," Carlisle sighed as he drew the family meeting to a close, leaning back in his chair at the table and looking around at the rest of us, "so, is everyone clear on what's going to happen tomorrow?" His eyes searched us and we all nodded, understanding more than thoroughly after the last hour and a half.

Everyone sat at the tiny table in the motel room, some looking bored with the matter, others looking overenthusiastic and one or two looking even frightened with the scheme we'd come up with. I had to admit, it was nothing short of brilliance, but the miniscule quantity of smiles I had seen from Edward was beginning to disturb me. It was clear enough that he didn't like it, but, then again, I supposed he wouldn't approve of anything we came up with. After all, he had never approved of anything that involved me becoming one of them.

Still, his expression and the sheer chill of his mood brought back horrifying memories of those few days before he'd left me last September. I recalled his hardened attitude and unwillingness to grant me so much as a twitch that might pass for a smile as he contemplated disappearing out of my life forever. I almost couldn't bear to remember it. But I knew that after tomorrow, none of that was going to matter. I wouldn't ever have to fear something like that happening again, which sent an immeasurable amount of comfort washing over me as I looked at the grin line of his mouth from across the table. I would make it up to him…somehow. I just missed seeing that beautiful smile…

"Okay then," Carlisle's smooth, irresistible voice pulled me mercilessly from my thoughts. He turned to look at me, "Bella, I think you should get some rest then." He instructed. "This is, after all, going to be the last sleep you will ever have." He leaned in closer from across the table. "You should enjoy it." He whispered.

I ignored the cruel rush of dread that filtered into my stomach then and simply nodded, yawning involuntarily as I did so. I wasn't entirely certain how I felt about losing all of my human tendencies just yet…or necessities. All I knew was that this was a dream come true. And I wasn't about to take it for granted. I was going to be able to spend the rest of eternity with Edward after the next few days were over, and nothing was going to spoil that for me. Nothing at all.

Before I so much as had a chance to stand from my chair, I was in Edward's arms and he was carrying me toward my own adjoining room, his eyes still unwavering they stared straight ahead. I hated seeing him like this. But I would just have to make him understand how good this was going to make things. Then he would see. And I would once again be able to experience that dazzling smile of his.

Esme stepped in our path on the way to the bedroom and Edward stopped in front of her, unsmiling as she beamed at me, still in her son's arms. She touched my cheek meaningfully, softly. Then she was gone. I thought I was really going to like having her for a mother. She could be really wonderful. And she already loved me like her own daughter. That seemed good enough for me. I knew I would have no trouble having any one of them as a family member. Even Rosalie. Certainly we weren't the best of friends yet, but I truly _did _like her, and I genuinely hoped that someday she could like me too. Maybe even love me like her own sister. I stopped myself there, thinking I may be hoping beyond hope somewhat with that matter. But a girl can dream.

I rested my head against Edward's hard, marble chest as he carried me to my room, closing the door behind us with one foot the same way he'd done on our engagement night when he'd carried me into Charlie's house. Charlie…no. I wasn't going to let myself think about him now. At least not for a long while.

Although the very energy about him was harsh, Edward's touch was gentle as he placed me on my bed, leaning over me for the briefest of moments and gently brushing the hair away from my face…before he turned to leave. _What? _My mind began to race. _No! _"Edward?" I called softly when he'd reached the doorway, pausing in it without turning around at the sound of my weary voice.

He said nothing, only waited for the purpose of my question, still not turning around to face me. I continued, scrambling for the right words to convince him to come back before he simply proceeded out. "I-I won't be able to sleep without you with me." I stated simply, praying that he would turn around now and come to me. "I've gotten kind of used to you being here…do you mind?" It seemed like a ridiculous question to be asking him after everything we'd been through, but his mood had darkened so suddenly that I was confused as to what I was allowed to say to him anymore.

I heard him sigh from the door frame and his arms dropped from the walls down to his sides, relaxed, defeated. "Of course I don't mind." He murmured, his voice gentling as he finally turned around and was at my bedside in a matter of seconds. I didn't move so he had to climb over me, his motions more graceful than the most delicate of deer that I'd seen in my short lifetime. Finally, he lay down beside me, draping one arm – seemingly only because he felt that he had to – across my shoulders and back as I shifted my weight on the mattress to lay on my side, facing him, my face buried in his chest as I thought only fleetingly about sleeping. Finally, I decided I couldn't just yet. Not like this.

I pulled back only enough to look up into his face. "Are you okay?" I found myself asking before I could censor the question out.

He didn't waste time lying to me. His answer was bleak and straightforward. "No." He replied, his tone grave as he opened his eyes again to look into my face. Then he lowered his eyes to the mattress, as though ashamed of what he was about to tell me. "I'm scared." He whispered.

Certain things you never expect to come out of someone's mouth. Those two words were two words I'd never expected to hear from Edward, the strongest, bravest, most indestructible man I had ever met. He simply saying them to me was enough to scare _me_ beyond repair. I felt my heart rate and breathing quicken, but struggled to keep my voice calm as I spoke. He was confusing me. Not too long ago he seemed to be allowing this whole thing to happen. Now he was so hard-set against it that he would rather die than sit back and let it happen. Maybe it had all been a bluff before, an act to keep me quiet until he could figure out a way out of this. And now he'd realized that it was really going to happen. And he wasn't going to be able to stop it.

I changed the subject, keeping my tone level. "Are you angry with me?" I couldn't help but ask. The way he was acting, it certainly seemed that I was more than pushing his buttons.

I felt his cold hands on either side of my face and looked up, my gaze meeting his as he looked into my face seriously. "Bella," he whispered in the darkness, his eyes boring into my very soul, "I could _never _be angry with you. You should know that by now."

I looked up at him sternly, my expression puzzled. "Then what…?"

"I'm afraid." He repeated, his voice low, dangerous. "I feel…so helpless."

I listened quietly as he spoke. I felt that perhaps that was all I needed to do for the moment in order to make this better.

"I made a vow to myself a long time ago that I would never let this happen to you. I would never let your life be taken away; your very soul. The very essence of the _you _that I love so much. I wasn't going to let you die. And now it's all happening so fast, I…I don't know what to do to stop it. I can't stop it. Oh, God," he breathed airily, looking away from me in shock as though he was just realizing this for the first time, "_I can't stop it!_" He was beginning to panic. I could see it in his face as his eyes darted desperately around the room, as though in search of some way out of the whole situation.

But then my fingers quickly flew to his lips, silencing him. "Edward," I whispered, my mind working frantically to think of something that I could say to him to make him realize that this was all a good thing, "are you going to stop holding my hand after I'm changed?"

He looked confused, by this question, but answered it anyway, shaking his head, no. "Of course not."

I raised my eyebrows purposefully. "Are you going to stop kissing me after I'm changed?" I was vaguely aware of how close my lips were to his already, but I resisted, holding back to inhale his breath and savor the sweet scent of it as I spoke, holding out until my point was made. He shook his head a second time. "No."

I took in a deep breath. "Are you going to stop loving me after I'm changed?" I knew this question was supposed to be part f my elaborate plan to make him understand, but I couldn't deny myself the knowledge that I too, was interested in knowing the answer. But now he took my face in his hands for the second time tonight, although a great deal more roughly this time, his touch urgent. "Bella," his tone was intense as he leaned his face over me, pressing the back of my head into the pillow as he spoke, "I will _always _love you. No matter what."

I almost laughed at that point. "Okay then!" I exclaimed, almost giddy with this new development. "What are we talking about here?" I wanted him to see that it was stupid to get upset or concerned in the slightest over this. That there was no need. But he didn't seem convinced. Sighing dejectedly when he finally saw through the purpose of my questions, his muscles relaxed again on the mattress next to me. "Bella," he groaned when he'd recollected his emotions, "I'm just worried about _you_. How will this effect _you_? Will your personality change? Your sweet nature?"

My reply to that was strong and simple. "Would you stop loving me if it did?" I asked him casually, as though I were indifferent to the answer, but he only sighed again and rolled his eyes. "I already told you I wouldn't." He countered briskly, his tone confident and easy, as though there could be no other possible answer. "I just don't think any of this is fair to you."

But now I managed a small smile as I looked up into his gorgeous face, shifting my weight ever so slightly, just enough so my lips could reach his, caressing them with the softest of pressures before breaking away after a short moment. "Why don't you let me decide what's fair to me?" I suggested calmly, even so much as amused. "And you can decide whether you want me with you for the rest of eternity or not." Too tired now to shift my muscles again, I simply kissed the underside of his jaw, snuggling up close to his chest as I did so. "And besides," I added when my lips were free again, "there will be new stuff for you to love about me after I'm changed." My lips curved up into a devious grin. "Better stuff. I may not be as clumsy or as edible-smelling as I once was, but that only means that I can be a lot closer with the rest of your family, and you won't even notice what with all the new skills you'll have to teach me. I'll still be the incompetent, naïve, oblivious young girl I was when you met me. You'll see." I added when he didn't look entirely convinced.

Finally, after what seemed like much deliberation, he flashed me that magnificent, crooked smile of his and I knew he agreed. I touched the side of his face lovingly, beaming when he closed his eyes and leaned into the contact, covering the back of my hand with his own. "I will always love you, Edward Cullen." I lowered my voice to a solemn whisper as I too, closed my eyes, enjoying the marvelous sensation of his cool touch. "For all of eternity…" I paused, deliberating cracking a joke. "And there's nothing you can do about it."

The sound of his laugh was so wonderful it made me dizzy when I heard it. I reopened my eyes to look into his face again. I had only one more question for him tonight. "So," I murmured in the quietest of voices, "are you going to do it?" I knew that he knew perfectly well what I was talking about and the smile faded from his features almost immediately. He sighed yet again. He relayed his answer so quickly that I almost didn't catch it. "Bella, I think it would be best if Carlisle did it." He told me, his voice serious again.

I tried to keep the disappointment out of my voice. "Oh." I muttered quietly, lowering my eyes from his face now. "Alright."

I knew he was feeling guilty then, but there was nothing I could do about it. "I know how much you wanted me to do it." He added quickly, desperate for me to understand before I became angry with him. "And I'm not saying no because it's too hard. I'm sure I'd be able to handle it…"

"Why then?" I demanded before he could finish, my tone harsher than I'd intended it to seem.

"I…" He struggled for words for a moment and finally exhaled loudly, as though giving into his emotions. "I can't hurt you." He told me. "And I won't. I can't do that to you. It's hard enough for me to even let it happen. But to do it to you myself…" his voice was suddenly filled with disgust and anguish as he rolled the idea over in his head. "I just can't. I'm sorry." His expression was pained as he looked at me and, as I stared up into those dazzling eyes, I couldn't let myself _not _understand. He was impossible to argue with when he gave me that look. Sometimes it even went as far as to stun my speech. But not tonight.

"It's okay." I assured him, shrugging against the sheets as though I was really impartial to the matter. "I suppose it doesn't really matter _how _it happens." I confided softly. "As long as it happens." I saw the pained look on his features then and I pressed it further, doing my best to convince him he wasn't guilty of any fault. "Really." I promised him. "It's fine. Don't worry." I stretched up then and kissed the cold skin of his cheek meaningfully. "I love you anyway."

He laughed again now, effortlessly lightening my mood for the billionth time since we'd met. "Well," he sighed after a moment, "I suppose that's a good thing."

I let my tone darken then, growing more serious as I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him down to me. "Yes." I whispered in a voice barely audible as I drew him closer. "It is." His lips were mere millimeters from mine now and I could feel his icy breath on my face as my heart rate skyrocketed, sending my stomach into a cascade of somersaults as his arms tangled themselves around my small frame, holding me gently against him. Then his lips touched mine, parting them ever so slightly with the passion of the moment, making my heart smile and my lips remain serious while he kissed me.

Finally, after the longest of moments, he broke away, one half of his lips curving up into a small smile as his eyes took me in. "Sleep now." He whispered, resting his head against the pillow again and moving his lips against my ear as he spoke. This time I obeyed, inwardly vowing to savor my last ever slumber before I became one of those who do not sleep. 'The cold ones.' I felt a strange adrenaline rush at the prospect. I liked it.

But it didn't take long at all for my eyelids to grow heavy as I lay my head on his shoulder, enjoying the feeling of his arms around me and his body against me as I slowly drifted away, breathing in his wonderful smell, listening to the sweet, gentle notes of my lullaby…as it flowed from his lips.

**Author's Note: For those of you who were wondering, no, this is NOT the end. Not even close. Although it may not seem like it, I promise, there IS more to come. **

**P.S. I'd like to thank everyone for the wonderful reviews that have been pouring in. I sincerely enjoy reading them and would like to tell everyone not to be afraid to criticize if they find a problem or are not enjoying it. Constructive criticism IS welcome. I need to know where I can improve. And if not, good reviews are always more than welcome too! Thanks again! More is coming soon!**


	20. Chapter 20: Hospitalized

**Chapter 20: Hospitalized**

It was a bitter-sweet sensation to be waking up to that morning. No sun poured through the motel room window and I knew it was an overcast day, yet again. _Figures, _I thought bitterly to myself as I squeezed my eyes shut tighter still, not wanting to fully wake up just yet. I hated being pulled from the last sleep I was ever going to have, but, at the same time, it meant a door was opening to something else…something…better.

He was still there, holding me, just as he always was when I woke up. I couldn't even begin to imagine the agony he must have been going throw while watching me sleep last night, savoring every minute of it no doubt as he watched my peaceful face, his own distraught. It didn't seem fair.

I clung to him for a long moment, moaning audibly when I realized I was fully conscious now, even if I did refuse to open my eyes. There was no denying it. "No." I groaned aloud without thinking, but the word was muffled against his shoulder and somewhat slurred as a result of my own drowsiness. I hoped beyond hope that he wasn't able to understand it. Then his lips touched my hair and it felt as though an electrical current passed through the both of us, anticipating the day to come. It felt as though all around me was Edward, and I never wanted to let him go. Never wanted to stop feeling his touch.

I heard him quietly breathe in the scent of my hair, groaning audibly when he did so. Neither of us said a word, only lay there, in each other's arms. Getting up was the last thing I wanted to do at the moment. I prayed that maybe, just maybe it was still early enough for me to fall back asleep, just for a little while. But my hopes were abruptly and effortlessly swiped away beyond my reach when I started at the hollow knock that emitted from my door.

"Bella?" I recognized Carlisle's voice from the other side of the finished wood. There was a tone of empathy to it than I could so easily place. He felt badly for intruding on my privacy so early, but it was something he had to do. I understood. "Are you awake?" His voice asked me without stepping a toe into my room, but it didn't feel right to speak to him with a door between us.

"Yes!" I called in a hoarse voice in reply at the same time that I yanked the covers up in one swift motion to shield Edward from view. Clearly understanding my purpose for doing this, Edward shrugged down out of sight until he was completely masked by the sheets, and then he lay perfectly still. So still that he might as well have been nonexistent. "Yes. Come in." I told Carlisle courteously once I was sure he wouldn't notice his son in the same bed as me.

The door swung open and Carlisle appeared, standing, uncertain by the wall, an apologetic smile corrupting his perfect features. "Sorry." He told me earnestly when he noted that I was still in bed, just propped up enough against the headboard to communicate properly. I eyed the stone lump next to me and discretely pulled an extra pillow over just enough to cover it, masking the too-obvious curves that might indicate a human body…or what was close enough to look like one.

I shook my head and returned his kind smile. "It's okay." I assured him gently, struggling to keep my voice casual as I rested one elbow on the pillow next to me, hoping to seem like there was nothing there at all but bunched up covers. Carlisle nodded once in acknowledgement before speaking again. "Alright, well, I'm afraid we need to get going. I know it's early, but I think it would be best if we did this as soon as possible, don't you?" He raised one eyebrow at me critically and I nodded in agreement. "Okay," Carlisle sighed then, "I'll leave you to get dressed." He turned to leave, but, just moments before he crossed the carpet out of my room, he stopped and called casually over his shoulder. "Edward, you should probably get up too." Then he was gone, closing the door smartly behind him.

Edward's face appeared slowly out from under the covers and he looked up at me, smiling as he rested his head against the pillow that I'd used to cover him a moment ago. I sighed and touched his face meaningfully. "It's time." I whispered, the corners of my mouth turned up in the most miniscule of smiles. His own smile disappeared now and he kissed the heel of my hand as it grazed the corner of his mouth. His eyes were sad when he opened them again. "Yeah," he murmured, his tone finally defeated, giving in to the inevitable, "it's time."

The bright, white, hospital lights blinded me briefly as Carlisle wheeled me into the maternity ward on a gurney, his stethoscope draped purposefully around his neck and his lab coat fitted to him perfectly, indicating that he was here on business. It felt understandably uncomfortable to be lying there, my hair fanned out on the lumpy pillow beneath my head as I kept my eyes trained meaningfully on the ceiling tiles, ignoring the disbelieving stares I received from many of the nurses and even some of Carlisle's fellow doctors. I could only pray that most of them didn't recognize me. Otherwise this was going to get back to Charlie in a matter of hours and then there was really going to be trouble. I knew they must have been shocked to see someone so young being brought in to this particular part of the hospital; that sort of thing didn't happen in Forks. In a big city like Phoenix, maybe, but not Forks. Never Forks.

I didn't _look_ pregnant, but I'd heard with teenagers it didn't always show as it did with mature, healthy women. So I hoped the other medical professionals here would buy that too.

Edward strode urgently next to the gurney, his fingers entwined in mine as we made our way down the long, and suddenly crowded hallway. I didn't want him to watch this, but it seemed he was relentless, incorrigible. He wasn't about to let me do this alone. I hated that he had to see it, but the truth was I was grateful for his presence. I wasn't entirely certain I could go through with it without him.

I knew I was shaking, but I couldn't help it. I wasn't necessarily frightened, just nervous. It reminded me of the way I normally got just before a doctor stuck a needle in my arm. I wanted it done and over with, but I knew I would have to endure the pain first. Of course this pain was going to be much, much worse than any shot could ever be, I knew that, but it helped to compare it with something smaller, something less significant. It helped me to pretend this wasn't a big deal. That it meant nothing. But that was all I could do: pretend. Whether I pretended or not, the biggest change of my life was about to occur in a matter of minutes, and there was nothing I could do to make it less significant in reality.

Esme, Jasper, Rosalie and Emmet trailed behind us, eager, I supposed, to see me off so to speak. I knew they wouldn't stay for the change itself, but they at least would be with me to wish me luck. It meant a lot to me that Rosalie had decided to come as well. That she cared enough to do so. I would make certain to thank her later.

Edward kept his sorrowful, fearful eyes trained on my face and touched my cheek with the hand that wasn't holding mine as Carlisle stopped briefly at the nurse's station to check me in. I could only hear bits and pieces of the conversation from where I lay a few yards off on the gurney; "…Of course, Dr. Cullen." One of the head nurses was saying. "What room?" She asked, raising a clipboard in one hand and a pencil in other.

Carlisle looked at her indifferently. "Which over one is currently available." He told her. "And it has to be a private room." He added with a firm and unyielding tone to his smooth voice, communicating to the nurse that this aspect wasn't negotiable. She nodded obediently. "Yes, sir." She obliged seriously. "I'll send an OBGYN to room 203 immediately and may I have the name of the patient?" She eyed me lying there for a brief moment, her gaze suspicious.

Carlisle's voice took on a more serious tone now and he gently took the clipboard from her, smiling that radiant smile that could always convince anybody of the most ridiculous of concepts. "You know what, why don't you let me take care of it?" He suggested smoothly. "She's a friend of mine and I'd rather I dealt with it myself."

The nurse said something about sending in assistance, but Carlisle merely shook his head. "No need." He assured her in that irresistible voice. "I can handle it. Please, don't send anyone in unless I call for assistance."

I could see the look of puzzlement that crossed the woman's features, but it abruptly vanished when Carlisle shot her that dazzling smile once more, stunning her speechless. "Understood?" He murmured after a silent moment between them. I had to admit, this would have been almost amusing to watch had I not been so anxious myself. The nurse nodded once, unable, it seemed, to break the gaze that locked them together. "Good." And then Carlisle was back at my side, pushing the gurney further down the hall. That's when I heard the nurse's voice calling belatedly after us: "Is that Chief Swan's daughter?" _Oh, no. _Now Charlie was going to find out for certain. But it didn't matter, I quickly reminded myself. Chances were I would never see him again anyway. Still, I couldn't help but be concerned with what he might think.

Carlisle bustled me quickly down the hall, not responding to the nurse or anyone else's questions as we passed, gaining momentum the further we went. Finally though, we reached a private room far away from all the others, leaving plenty of empty rooms between us and any other patients that might hear. I was sure they would eventually hear _something _anyway, but I supposed it was best that we kept the amount of noise that they did hear to a minimum.

Carlisle stopped in the middle of the room and let go of the gurney to close the door quickly behind us. He stood there for a long moment, staring out the little window at the top of the door before he finally turned back to face me, satisfied that no one was nearby. "Okay." He nodded permission for Edward to help me down off of the little, portable bed. "It's time." He muttered quietly.

Esme was on me more quickly than I could realize what was happening, her small arms wrapping themselves around my neck and embracing me tightly to her before she pulled back and kissed my cheek meaningfully. "Good luck, dear." She whispered in my ear before releasing her surprisingly strong hold on me. She held me at arm's length for a moment. "I wish you all the best." She told me, the kind smile not leaving her features even as she turned to leave. I nodded and swallowed hard. I was _not _going to let myself cry again. Not after yesterday.

Rosalie flashed me an encouraging grin from where she stood by the door. She waved. "See you in three days." She told me, her voice sincere before she too, turned to follow her mother out. I nodded and waved in return, fighting to seem composed in front of her. "Will do." I assured her before she disappeared out into the hallway. I was glad she'd at least said something. It had done wonders for me in the state I was in.

Emmet and Jasper made their way over to me next, their step more graceful than I thought I had ever seen before. Before I could say a word, Emmet crushed me in a bear hug that put all others to shame, lifting me off of my feet as his massive arms embraced me. "We'll see you soon, okay?" Jasper was the one to say as he patted my shoulder from his spot beside Emmet, who still hadn't let go of me. I had to focus on my intake of breath as my lungs were fiercely constricted into my ribcage. I managed a miniscule nod, making Jasper laugh. "Just remember," Emmet murmured in my ear right before he let go, "when it gets to the point that you start praying for God to just let you die, that means it's almost over."

If I could breathe I would have been laughing. I rolled my eyes. "Thanks." I replied, sarcasm dripping from my voice like venom. Then Emmet dropped me back on my feet and patted my shoulder once before turning to go. "No problem." He called over one shoulder just before he and his brother disappeared into the hallway, closing and latching the door tightly behind them.

Edward took a step toward me but stayed, leaning his back casually against the hospital-room wall and shooting me a stubborn expression. I frowned. He laughed. It was clear that he wasn't planning on going anywhere. Secretly though, I was glad for this.

That was when Carlisle turned to face me, raising his eyebrows in question after a long moment of silence. I felt my heart rate skyrocket. There was no more time for games. This was really going to happen. Right now. "Bella," His voice was calm as he half-whispered my name seriously, "are you ready?" His eyes took me in for a long moment, searching my trembling frame for any sign that I detested doing this in the slightest. Finally satisfied that he'd found none, he took a step toward me and I stopped shaking enough to nod. "Yes." I managed to croak, frantically praying that my voice sounded more confident than I felt. The truth was, there was nothing more in the world that I wanted than to have this done. And I supposed Carlisle could see that. He didn't hold back.

Sighing heavily, he placed both hands on my shoulders. "Alright then." His voice had quieted to a whisper and it calmed me considerably. I suddenly found a strange peace in knowing that this was finally going to happen for me. This was all I'd ever wanted. A dream come true.

For the moment it felt as though the world had stopped for me. Just for me. Slowed down enough to answer my prayers. I could hear nothing in that moment. Not the bustling of the nurses out in the hallway. Not the ring of the phone lines nor the monotonous beeping of distant heart monitors. Nothing but my own heartbeat. I could feel Carlisle's cool breath, raising the hairs on my neck as he leaned in closer to me, his cheek just resting against one side of my jaw.

I permitted myself a quick glance in Edward's direction and I noted that the smile had long-since gone from his beautiful features. Our eyes met. Locked. I read the pain in his face then. The anguish. The fear. It was all there. He wanted to stop this. I knew he didn't even want to look, but he couldn't tear his eyes away. It was the same feeling I'd felt that night at the fire. Horrified, but stunned still. All of his muscles were taught, his knuckles ghost-white from what I could see beneath his folded arms across his chest. I didn't let go of his gaze. I held onto it with every fiber of my being, knowing that it would only make it that much easier if I could look into his beautiful eyes while it was happening. I silently begged him not to look away. Not for one second. He didn't.

Carlisle's lips parted and I started for a moment before I realized he was only doing so in order to speak to me, although I could feel his mouth moving against the skin of my neck, sending chills cascading down my spine. "Okay, now," he whispered, his voice barely audible but loud enough for me to hear just beneath the lobe of my ear, "just relax, Bella. Stay calm." He must have felt my rapidly accelerating pulse. "It'll help. Just keep everything nice and relaxed."

I tried to follow his instructions but it was more than difficult - impossible really. There was no way I was going to be calm for this. I kept staring at Edward. He kept staring at me. I tried to imagine it was him standing so close to me, his breath on my neck, his voice in my ear…

I felt Carlisle's breath still for a moment and I knew he was inhaling, preparing himself. I must have been shaking almost violently now, my eyes wide on Edward, my hands balled into fists at my sides. Carlisle's lips touched my throat…

"Wait!" I jumped at the sound of Edward's voice, cursing the energy build-up that had accumulated inside of me as it exploded in a frantic, startled ball. I could swear I'd almost screamed. Carlisle stepped away from me, both of us turning to look at Edward, our expression questioning as he took another step toward us. I swore, if he was going to try and find some way to stop it again, I was going to…

But Edward's voice was low and choked when he stalled my thoughts with his next words. "I'll do it."


	21. Chapter 21: Transformation

**Chapter 21: Transformation**

I felt my spirits soar as I looked over at him, a broad but trembling smile breaking my features. "Edward, thank you." I managed to squeak through a choked voice. But Carlisle spoke at almost the same moment that I did. "Son, are you sure?" He questioned seriously, his perfect, blond eyebrows knitting together in only the slightest concern. He looked more intent than worried about the matter, but Edward nodded immediately before the words had even finished trailing off of his father's lips.

"Yes." His voice was little more than a strained whisper, but it was definite. He wasn't going to let someone else do it, and this made me happier than I'd been in days. "Please, Carlisle," He continued, begging his father with the aid of a desperate and almost frantic look about his eyes, "this is something I have to do."

Hearing him say this surprised me, but Carlisle seemed to understand perfectly. He nodded once and stepped away, taking Edward's place against the wall as Edward took a step toward me. He exchanged glances with his father momentarily, Carlisle nodding again as a look of complete knowing came over his features. He understood and was more than glad to let his son take over. Placing one hand on Edward's shoulder, only a few comforting words escaped Carlisle's lips then. "I'm proud of you, Edward." He half-whispered, his smooth voice calm as he released him and returned to leaning casually against the wall.

That's when his son turned to me, and I was in Edward's arms in a matter of seconds, burying my face in his shoulder as I breathed in his amazing smell just one more time, letting only one tear sneak out as I felt his arms encircle my back, holding me tightly to him. I could feel him shaking, probably more so than I was. It was clear that he didn't want to do this, but I was glad he had decided to. Perhaps he felt it was his responsibility to do so or that it wouldn't have been right to let Carlisle do it. I couldn't be sure. All I knew was that I could never be more grateful to him for making the right choice.

"Oh, Bella." I heard him whisper, although it was muffled as his mouth and chin leaned into the bridge of my shoulder, resting there for a moment as he held me, kissing the skin of my neck where my shirt left it bare. I hugged him tighter now and I felt him do the same, as though never wanting to let go. I swallowed hard and managed a few short words. "Thank you so much." I murmured against him. But he pulled away then, still holding me in his arms, but far enough away to look into my face, which ended up only inches from his at the end of the motion.

Taking one of my hands in his, he held it up to his face, holding the back of it against his cheek and closing his eyes to savor the feeling, the warmth. He kissed it and drew in a shortened breath. I recognized the sound of the inhalation easily: he was crying. I saw no tears. There were never any tears, but he was crying.

After a moment he seemed to compose himself and, without letting go of my hand, he lowered it from his face and looked into my eyes seriously. "Do you have anything you want to take care of before we do this?" He asked, his voice composed but still choked somehow.

I shook my head. And then I thought of something else. "Should I eat something before it happens?" I wondered aloud, uncertain as to whether it would be a good idea to wake up as a hungry vampire in a hospital. But Edward looked impartial to this aspect and shrugged. "I don't think it's going to matter much." He assured me softly, causing me to furrow my brow in obvious unclearity. "Why not?" I asked, curious.

Now Edward smiled the tiniest smile, although it didn't reach his eyes. "You'll find out." He promised me gently. I let my eyes fall to his arms that were slung between us, his hands on my waist. I hated it when he said things like that. But this time I didn't care. Still, I kept my eyes down, noting for the first time that, although the fire had only been a couple of nights ago, the burns on Edward's arms were already nearly invisible. _Amazing, _I caught myself thinking as I looked at them. They were almost completely healed. Vampires never ceased to amaze me. All at once I couldn't wait until I was one. What was three days anyway? Practically nothing in the scope of eternity. It would be totally worth it.

I lifted my eyes to meet Edward's again and he froze, his muscles tense as he realized what he now had to do. But I took his face in my hands before he could move another inch toward me. "Edward, can I just…" the first four words came out quickly, catching his attention before I slowed down to savor the moment, my voice lowering, "can I just kiss you one last time?" I asked quietly, in a voice barely above a whisper. I knew I would still be able to kiss him after the change, but this would be the last time we ever did so as vampire and human, cold and warm, fragile and indestructible. I had to do it. For old time's sake if nothing else.

His eyes bore into me, growing sad again. His features tightened in a way that reminded me of someone who was trying not to cry. But he nodded, leaning into it at the same moment that he did so. I let my eyes close instinctively and savored the feeling of our lips coming together, his moving against mine with an affection and meaningfulness that I couldn't recall ever feeling to this degree before. I let another tear go. Just one more, allowing it to run down my cheek, the side of my nose and then down over our never-parting lips. I could taste the salt. His hands entwined themselves in my hair, pressing my face against his as my hands remained on either side of his jaw, never wanting to let him break away.

But he did eventually, pulling back only as much as an inch before he rested his forehead against mine, his arms sliding down my body to encircle my waist again. I let my arms fall around his neck, not planning to let him go no matter what this next minute held. "Okay." I heard him whisper ever so quietly as he looked up at me, his golden eyes finding mine. "Okay." I knew he was preparing himself as much as me for what he was about to do. For what he had _agreed _he would do. "I only have one favor to ask you." He murmured, never letting go of my gaze as his expression grew hard.

I nodded instantly, not at all concerned about what it might be. "Anything." I told him softly. His voice attained that choked, strained quality as he spoke again. "Close your eyes." He ordered.

I stared at him, not wanting to obey at first and miss out on anything he might do, but then, almost without a second thought, I let my eyelids slide shut, leaving myself completely at his mercy, and more glad for it than I would have thought. I couldn't stand to look at his pained expression any longer. But I kept my arms wrapped around his neck, making sure he didn't go anywhere while I was temporarily blinded. I felt him push my hair back behind my shoulders, clearing the skin on my neck for easy access. I found myself lifting my chin just slightly, just enough to expose my throat to him without seeming unbelievably obvious.

Then I felt him on my neck, the cool skin of his lips grazing it softly, making it tingle with a certain frightful pleasure. He spoke into my ear just a moment before it happened. "I love you." I heard him say. That's when I felt it. His breath stopped short. Something sharp touched my skin…his teeth? Yes. I was sure that's what it was. Then they pressed down…hard. They clamped. I felt the skin break. His teeth plunged into my vein. The shock hit me faster than the pain did. I was sure that's why I cried out. It didn't quite hurt just yet. But I couldn't believe he'd actually done it. I never thought he would really do it!

Then the pain hit and shock was suddenly the last thing on my mind. I tried to stop the scream before it reached my lips but I was too late. Edward pulled out immediately, satisfied that he'd gotten the venom into my bloodstream enough to get the job done. But now his attention was on me. I collapsed in his arms, sliding down his body until he caught me around the underarms, holding me up as gently as possible, although his touch was urgent.

My breathing suddenly became rapid as I struggled to control the pain, or at least to endure it in silence. I didn't want Edward to feel badly for doing this for me. But that hope was dashed the moment I caught his next words: "Oh, God." He whispered, his voice frantic as he held me against him, hugging me so tightly that I could feel his desperation to never let me go. "Oh, God, what have I done? What have I _done_!?" The anguish in his voice caused my heart to constrict painfully, pitifully…or was that the venom? I couldn't be sure. Either way, it was more painful than I could have ever imagined.

That old, familiar fire scorched through my veins more quickly than it had before, giving me the sensation that my neck may be broken as every tendon and muscle contracted violently, looking to ease the pain but unable to recognize it. It was foreign to them, alien. It raced down my throat and into my chest cavity, making it difficult for me to breathe, constricting, burning.

I gasped for breath, crying out again when I could find my voice. "Oh, God." Now Edward's voice was panicked. I didn't dare open my eyes. I didn't want to see his face. Then his voice was away from me, pleading. "Carlisle!" He shouted, alarmed and clearly agonized. "Carlisle, what do I do?"

His father's answering voice was calm and nearing, as though he was approaching me, his mood controlled. "Get her on the bed." He commanded gently. I was vaguely aware that I was slowly sinking to the floor. That's when I felt Edward's arms around me, lifting me off of my feet, causing the burning to flood my arms and lower back. It was spreading… My back hit the sheets of the hospital bed, but I couldn't let my muscles relax even as I was suddenly laying down. They were tense. Too tense. All too suddenly, I realized with a painful shudder what I'd gotten myself into. _I had an entire three days of this to endure? _And it was only going to get worse…much, much worse…

I felt as though there were knives protruding from every inch of my body, screaming to be released from the muscles, the blood vessels. I opened my mouth to say something but the only thing that escaped from it was another cry. A scream of pain.

Then I heard Edward's agonized voice again. "No." He was saying over and over again. "No, no, no, no NO, _NO_!" I heard a startling crash. He'd thrown something against the wall. Broken something. His temper was flaring as much as the fire in my veins was. I could feel it from here. This pained me more than anything. I didn't want him to regret doing what he'd done, but it was too late for that now. I couldn't say anything to him…couldn't tell him…

My head had started to throb. My face felt hot, wet. I knew I must have been sweating terribly. The pain was accelerating. It was getting worse. Getting worse way too quickly. Something cool touched my forehead, granting me the incredible sweetness of salvation if for only a moment. Edward was back at my side. I heard his enraged voice just above my face. "Can't you do something?" He demanded of his father, his voice still loud, angered. "Give her something for the pain? _Anything!?_"

I envisioned Carlisle shrugging just by the tone of his composed answering voice. "I'm afraid there's nothing we _can _do." He replied gently, his tone still irritatingly calm. "There isn't a pain medication in the world strong enough to help her now. And even if we did give her something, it would stop working the minute her heart did. When that stops, everything does."

I heard Edward gasp in a sharp breath. It was the sound of someone who was crying, anguished. "Oh no." I felt his forehead touch my arm, resting against it. Agony flared. "When will that happen?" He demanded.

"It will be the last thing to happen in the transformation." I heard Carlisle assure him, his tone still quiet.

"Can we monitor that somehow?" Edward asked then.

I heard something being switched on next to my head. Something electronic. It was whirring and revving as it started up. The sound echoed painfully in my brain. Something touched my wrist, holding my hand up and then clamping down on my finger hard. So hard that I was able to feel my own pulse in my fingertip as my hand was dropped back onto my stomach. Then I heard the steady, even beeping of the heart monitor, understanding now what had been done to me.

I felt the temperature in my hand drop as Edward grasped it, taking it up in his own and holding it affectionately to his face, kissing the skin on the back of it twice. "Oh, Bella," he whispered down to me, anguished, "Bella, I'm so sorry. Bella, can you hear me? I love you." I recalled hearing these words once before, used in the same, pained context. Horrible memories flashed back to me suddenly of that day in the dance studio with James…when Edward found me.

I tried to say something. I opened my mouth but the only thing that made it across my lips was an indiscernible murmur. Even I was entirely certain what I'd meant to say. Maybe that I loved him, that it was alright, that I was glad, even now that he'd done it…I didn't know. So many things I wanted to say. So many things that I couldn't. Pain wracked my entire body now. I was astonished at how quickly a vampire's venom could spread. It must have been record-breaking. I'd once heard that the venom of a box jellyfish could kill you in less than two minutes. So why couldn't this be over that quickly? Then again, I supposed it would take longer to kill you, bring you back to life and then transform you into something that was almost entirely inhuman.

I felt hot tears run into my ears and was suddenly aware that I was crying again, although not out of emotion this time. I couldn't get rid of the pain! I just wanted it over with! Three days!? I screamed again as shooting agony flared up my stomach and back into my chest, then down into my sides and around the muscles in my back, causing them to spasm unbearably. I found myself squeezing Edward's hand harder than I'd ever thought possible. I knew what he must have wanted to do in that moment. But he couldn't. Not only because I wouldn't have let him, but because the venom had already been spread far too diversely to be sucked back out again. It was already all over.

I was suddenly aware that Edward and Carlisle were conversing again quietly, urgently. I tuned it in enough to hear only for a moment. "…couldn't we have taken her into the woods? Or to Italy?" Edward was asking of his father desperately, clearly concerned that someone here would find us and realize what was going on somehow. Carlisle's voice was calm and reasoning upon response. "We didn't have enough time to get to Italy, Edward, you know that." He replied sternly. "With transformation time included, by the time it was over it would have been too late. And only God knows who would have heard her in the woods. Victoria's still out there, don't forget. And the wolves." His voice took on an ominous tone. "Do you know what would have happened if those down in LaPush caught wind of this? No. It's best for her to be in a safe and secure environment, at least for the moment."

I understood all of this, but it was still despairingly hard to think of those who'd recognized me already. If Charlie ever found out…

A cold hand touched my forehead and I knew instinctively that it was Carlisle's. "Bella, honey, try to relax." I heard his soothing, calm voice hovering just above me. But I shook my head almost violently in response and managed a few strained words. "Can't." I exclaimed, gasping for breath as I did so. "It hurts!"

Then, Edward's voice: "I know, Bella. I know." His free hand touched the opposite side of my face to him and held it there as his lips pressed gently against the other side. I heard him sniff sorrowfully. His voice quieted to a whisper that was clearly not meant for me to hear. "Oh dear God, help her." He prayed aloud.

That's when I heard Carlisle's voice again. "Don't you worry, Bella. This is all going to be over soon."

_Not soon enough, _I couldn't help but think. I cried out again.


	22. Chapter 22: Three Days

**Chapter 22: Three Days**

I didn't even notice by the time nightfall rolled around. I found myself concentrating harder than I ever had on anything before in my life simply on keeping quiet. I had never had so much trouble before with something that should be so easy for the average person. I tried to focus on something, _anything _besides the pain. To divert my attention if nothing else. Even breathing seemed to do the trick. I inhaled very slowly, doing my best to keep trembling muscles out of my airway before I exhaled at an equal pace. Then I swallowed hard. In, out, swallow. In, out, swallow. It wasn't as easy as I would have hoped.

Everything hurt. Everything. I thought with this amount of pain _something _would have numbed by now, my body becoming immune to it in some way, but I remembered with painful abruptness that I wasn't going to be human much longer and my human body did not know how to deal with something like this. It hadn't had any past experience doing so, after all. All I could do was endure it.

In, out, swallow. In, out, swallow. If I was going to survive these next few days I would have to think of a way to handle it. Otherwise I might lose my sanity altogether. I knew my face was glistening as a result of the sweat that was quickly forming there, causing my body temperature to skyrocket. I could feel the cold washrag as it brushed against the skin of my forehead and cheeks, swiping away gently all the sweat that it could. Edward was on the other end of it. I knew that instinctively, but it was hard to open my eyes. The white light of the hospital hurt against the darkness both on the inside of my eyelids and outside of the hospital. A part of me wanted to be in the dark right now. I didn't want to be where I was. A part of me even wished that Edward weren't there. I knew that if I opened my eyes I would see how agonized he was by the whole ordeal. I would see the pain in his face and I couldn't bear to see that. Not now.

He had spoken to me in the beginning. I remembered that. But not anymore. Now he was silent, just sitting there, dabbing at my face with that cloth. I wondered momentarily what he must be thinking. Did he blame himself? Was he happy this was happening? …Or did he wish he'd never met me? The last option seemed the most plausible, no matter how painful it was for either of us. I knew that was what he must have been thinking.

I would have asked him about it, but each time I opened my mouth, all I could manage was a deep breath. And then I had to close it again. I knew that if I used my voice in the least, I would only end up screaming again, and that wasn't going to do anyone any good. I was tired. I wished I could sleep. I hoped Edward thought I was sleeping, but I supposed he knew better than that. I was still squeezing his hand so tightly that it must have been at least numbing a little by now. He couldn't possibly not feel _anything_. But there was no way to be sure…

I could just barely feel the rag on my forehead amongst everything else I was feeling. The texture of it was rough, but the coolness felt good on my over-heated face, and Edward's touch was gentle, tender. I tried to focus on it. Couldn't. Agony wracked my entire frame, from the tip of my skull all the way down to the blood vessels in my toes. It burned. Stung. Stung so badly that I had to wonder if I would ever feel normal again. I tried to recall what it felt like _not _to feel like this. But I couldn't. I couldn't remember anything. I couldn't think.

But I wanted to. I wanted to remember what it felt like when Edward kissed me or held my hand. I wanted to remember what his voice sounded like. What his icy touch felt like against my skin when it had been normal and perfectly healthy. But none of that was possible to think of now. There was no chance of me feeling like that again any time soon. At least not for another few days. I couldn't help but wonder, _how could anything hurt this much? _But then another burst of pain shuddered through my body and I forgot to answer my own question. I forgot everything.

It was indescribable. I couldn't compare it to anything. Not being electrocuted or shot or stabbed. Nothing of the modern world came to mind. Except that maybe I was being burned from the inside out. That seemed to come close enough to the feeling I was experiencing at the moment. I swallowed hard and had to remind myself to breathe again. But it was difficult…my chest hurt so badly. Every tiny twitch of a muscle sent fireworks of agony pulsing through my blood. I tried to breath without moving my chest. The air came in sounding raspy and unclear, making it sound like my lungs were blocked or filled with fluid, but it seemed to help with the spasms in my chest.

But before long it didn't seem to matter what I did. I lost track of time. For me seconds became hours and every little noise – the ticking of the clock, the beeping of the heart monitor by my bed, my own breathing – was torture. The tiniest sounds screamed agonizingly in my head, causing it to throb so badly that I couldn't even bear to move it anymore. I wondered if it had been ten minutes or ten hours since I'd last formed a sensible thought. I had no way of knowing. To me it may as well have been ten days or ten seconds. It pained me to think this. How long was it going to be until this was finally over? How long could I stay silent? How long could I live?

Before I was even aware of what was happening, my voice somehow made it back to my throat from wherever it had been vacationing while I was enduring this torture. My silent, barely-audible breaths turned into painful moans. Moans turned into whimpers. I muttered Edward's name once or twice, but that was all I could manage, it seemed. It was different to form thoughts, let alone words. The first time I cried out again it was out of frustration. Frustration that I couldn't ease the pain. That I couldn't find any possible way to make it better. Nothing I could message or inject or throw up. Nothing I could do to make it go away. Nothing at all. There was no way out.

Something told me Edward understood this feeling as much as, if not better than I did. I knew he wished he could do something. Anything. After a while I began to hear him ask Carlisle this several times over, but the answer was always the same: "Just be there for her." And he was, but I could tell that for him this wasn't enough. He wanted to do something for me but I could feel the very mood about him grow from anxious to angry when he realized that he couldn't.

My pulse pounded in my ears, overriding the sound of the heart monitor for me. I wanted to be out of my body. Free of the painful, fleshy prison that held me at the moment. I wanted to be gone. Away. Anywhere but here.

I groaned and gasped when another, more intense blast of agony exploded in my chest. I couldn't deny even myself this fact: it was getting worse. I was vaguely aware of Edward's touch as his palm grazed my cheek, his thumb brushing away my tears ever so gently. I heard his own breathing shorten as he struggled to control his own emotional pain. And although it was only that, emotional, something told me it wasn't any more easily dealt with than my own physical pain.

I squeezed his hand and cried out again, unable to hold it in any longer. I had been doing it for him, I knew that, but even though it had been for that reason, I couldn't control it anymore. It was beyond my own composition.

It was only then that I noticed the light touching my eyelids was different somehow. I didn't care, of course. I just noticed. They opened a tiny sliver and then closed again, leaving me just enough of a piece of a moment to realize that it must be morning. Somehow. The lights in the hospital room were out, leaving the light that I was sensing to be totally natural, from outside. Yes, the sun must be up. But what day was it? It was the third. It must be the third. No. It was only the second. I hadn't even completed my first twenty-four hours yet.

"Oh, God!" I shocked myself with my ability to speak, but then nothing seemed to surprise me anymore. "Edward!" It was the first time I'd spoken to him for a long time, but I couldn't take it anymore. I had to produce a change in pace. Any change in pace. Anything to capture my focus.

I felt his cool hand on my face again. "Shh. Bella, shh." He fought to quiet me, to take the pain away. I cherished the soothing sound of his voice, even if it was strained and somewhat choked. "I'm here. I will _always _be here."

"Ow!" My voice broke and my features tightened, contorting into an agonized mask as I threw my head back on my pillow, lifting my chin in some strange, oddball hope that I just might be able to get away from the pain that way. My jaw felt like it was wired open, stretched in some hope to speak, maybe to pray. But only screams came out. I wanted something. I didn't know what. Just something. Anything. My breathing came in gasps now, desperate for oxygen as my tears constricted my throat, only making it that much more painful.

I was crying. Sobbing. Desperate for something or someone that could help. It seemed to take so long from there. Forever. An eternity. I comforted myself with the thought that when this was all over, I would be able to smile and laugh again. I would be able to hold and kiss Edward again. I would be able to love and talk and run and dance without being in unbearable pain. I lost all concept of time. It felt like weeks. I knew time was passing, slowly, but passing.

I screamed until my throat burned as well. Until everything hurt so badly that I dared not move a muscle. Not even to think. Let alone to speak or cry or thrash anymore. Before I quieted completely, I screamed only one more thing. "Oh, God! Please! Just let me die!" That was when I felt it. It was so strange, so foreign. A distant memory of something…hope. Yes. That was what it was called. I never thought I would feel that again. Something was itching at the back of my memory. Some distant recollection. A voice. Something…hadn't someone said something about wanting to die not too long ago? Didn't that mean something good? Didn't that mean I was close to something…? I couldn't put my finger on it. I couldn't touch upon it in the slightest. So I let it go. I couldn't waste any energy trying to figure out something so insignificant.

For a while I couldn't focus on anything besides the pain. Not the light nor whomever sat at my side. Not voices or thoughts. Nothing. I just lay there. Lifeless. Then I went somewhere. I didn't know where. Just somewhere. Somewhere else. All at once I couldn't feel anything. I relished the moment, no matter how brief it may have seemed. My spirit grinned so broadly I was sure it reached its emotional eyes. But physically I didn't move. The pain was gone. Not better. Just numb. Just nonexistent. The relief I felt in that moment was overwhelming. My soul sighed to a surprisingly painless depth. Where was I? Blackness surrounded me. Was I dead? That seemed like a plausible enough possibility. I could recall being here before. I was drifting somewhere…

That when I was able to hear it. The beeping so slow, so uneven. The heart monitor. I had no existing sensation of my own pulse anymore so I only listened to it. It seemed like an eternity would pass between beeps. It was fading, dying. Then I heard it flat-line. It sounded strangely simple, yet so important. Like the dial tone you heard right after your best friend hung up the phone on you during a fight.

Then Edward's voice echoed somewhere distant… "Carlisle!" He was saying. He sounded panicked, anguished. I thought he shouldn't sound like that. "Carlisle! What happened!? Is she…"

"She's fine." I heard Carlisle's perfectly calm voice. It hadn't changed since the last time I'd heard it. The heart monitor was switched off. The dial tone stopped short. The mechanical energy went away. "It's over." The older vampire continued. Those two words meant more to me than either of them would ever know. "Her heart's stopped." Their voices were fading away… "She's out now, but at least the pain's subsiding. She's gone, but she'll be back. She'll probably wake up come morning…"

_Morning?_ Did that mean I was breeching my third day? Now their voices had become little more than a distant echo. I couldn't understand them anymore. They were murmurs. Impossibilities along with everything else that had happened to me. I couldn't think anymore. That was went it all went away. The blackness consumed me completely. I started dreaming. Was I dreaming or was I dead? I couldn't be sure. But I let it all go. I released the hold I had on my body, surrendering all feeling into nothingness. But just before I went something cold touched the back of my hand. Edward's lips. He kissed me and then I was gone, drifting far away…away from everything…away into nothing. Away from the world I knew and for just a moment, away seemed like a much better place to be.


	23. Chapter 23: Waking Up

**Chapter 23: Waking Up**

_Whoa_, was the first thing I thought when I came to. Was I conscious? Had I been sleeping? No. Dead. That seemed to match the description of the deep slumber I was recalling now well enough. What happened? Had I dreamed all of that? No. My body still hurt too much to deny the bitter-sweet reality of it. The searing, burning pain was gone, but soreness still remained as an after-effect. No doubt every nerve, muscle and organ was damaged or exhausted, twisted or pulled or torn. Still, I thought I felt better than I could ever remember feeling before. Something was different. A lot had changed.

For a moment I thought I was experiencing some kind of new, mild discomfort in my chest. _Oh! _I quickly realized what the problem was. I inhaled. The discomfort went away. That seemed kind of ridiculous. Had I really forgotten to breathe? That didn't seem right. Then again, maybe it only seemed more right than I imagined. It meant it was all true. It meant I wasn't human anymore.

I could smell _everything_. That was the first thing I noticed. And my skin felt sensitive to every change of temperature, every alteration in the air around me. I could hear quite well too. I thought I was able to pick up the slightest of sounds from the other end of the hospital. Other than that though, I didn't feel too different…yet. And it could be that my body was only responding to the intense pain I had been feeling before. Healing. Rebounding. I knew that could certainly make it seem like I was more sensitive to everything. I couldn't be entirely certain if I really was.

I managed to open my eyes a sliver and then quickly squeezed them closed tightly again when the white hospital lights burned my corneas. I hadn't opened my eyes in so long… I tried again. More slowly this time. Just millimeters at a time, blinking several times to reduce any returning discomfort. By the fourth or fifth time I managed to lift my eyelids almost completely, though I was still squinting slightly at the surrounding light. I noticed it wasn't entirely dark outside, but it certainly wasn't light. The artificial lights of the hospital dominated the room. Another overcast day in Forks. Surprise, surprise.

That's when I realized someone was holding my hand, their thumb stroking the back of it gently, their touch tender, careful, rubbing back and forth over and over again. I glanced down, my eyes following from the hand that was wrapped around mine, up the arm to the elbow and then up to the shoulder…and then into Edward's beautiful face. He was sporting a sad, but very loving smile on his perfect features as he looked down at me, his expression lightening ever so slightly as he realized I was awake. And then he spoke to me. "Bella." He whispered, his velvety voice gentle.

I blinked twice, but that was the only response I could muster to my own name. My mind struggled to comprehend. It felt as though it were afraid. Afraid that if it did manage to form a thought, it would only send a surge of pain through my head. But it didn't. Not this time. The wheels started to turn.

I opened my mouth to say something, but before I could, Edward stood out of his chair next to the bed and his lips touched my forehead affectionately, lingering there for a lengthy minute before he sat back down, rested his chin on the sheets next to me and smiled sorrowfully up into my face. His touch startled me. It didn't feel the same as it used to. It was different somehow…warmer. I was surprised at how much I liked it. I remembered trying to convince Edward that all the changes would end up being good things for us, but even as I said it I didn't think even I truly believed it. I'd hid all the things that I was going to miss so much. But now, it felt as though my words were much truer than I'd ever imagined.

I kept my eyes on his face and struggled to find my voice, but before I could Edward spoke again. "You're so incredible." Were the next words that would have made me blush if I could. I managed a small smile, which seemed to make him laugh for some reason. Then he quickly explained. "How can you possibly smile after that?" He demanded, bewildered. "You are by far, the most amazing person I've ever met." Then his eyes took me in and he grew sad again. "How do you feel?" He asked, his voice cautious as he was clearly not entirely certain he wanted to know the answer.

But I only shrugged and shook my head ever so slightly, a motion that sent the room into a violent spin around me. "I'm okay now." I assured him, unable to think of a better answer at the moment. The truth was, I felt as though I had been hit by an eighteen-wheeler, which then stopped and backed over me before running over me just one more time.

The sound of my own voice shocked me. It was weak, but just the fact that it was there sent me gasping quietly in disbelief. Not too long ago I recalled having the terrible feeling that I would never be able to even talk again in my lifetime. But I could. I was talking. I decided to take advantage of the ability. "How do I look?" I croaked meekly, my voice only breaking out of a hoarse whisper once every couple of syllables.

Edward's smile suddenly became one-sided, making it sincere as he looked at me. He sighed after a long moment. "Drop-dead-gorgeous." He answered quietly, making me smile a little broader now. But that's when I noticed his eyes. They were sad, but there was something else. They were hungry. Black as coal. I suppose I couldn't be entirely surprised. He hadn't hunted in a really long while, and that had to be punishing him at least somewhat now.

I started and tensed to move away from him if need be. I didn't want him uncomfortable around me. Not now. "Oh, Edward, I'm sor…" But my voice trailed off when I realized what I was saying. What I was _thinking_. That's when I felt the sadness wash over me. My blood didn't attract Edward anymore the same way it used to. He felt no urges when he smelled me. Nothing. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. "Oh." I managed to murmur quietly, my voice sorrowful. Then I opened my eyes again and looked at him. He looked confused, clearly not following my train of thought. "I guess I don't smell that good to you anymore, do I?" I wondered aloud, unintentionally explaining my reasoning to him.

But now Edward's dark eyes brightened considerably for reasons I could not fathom. He looked happier somehow as he shrugged and shook his head quickly. "Oh," He began again, finally understanding, "no, no, no. On the contrary." He assured me, suddenly speaking very quickly but at a pace that was shockingly easy for me to understand. It was as though the world were moving a lot slower than it normally did… "You smell…perfect."

I raised my eyebrows, surprised. "What?"

Edward smiled a little wider now as he struggled to come up with a way to explain. "You smell the same." He told me. "But…different. Not edible," – we both cringed at the word – "but still like your old self somehow. It's…marvelous."

Realizing what a relief this must have been for him, I smiled and then surprised myself with a miniscule chuckle. Big mistake. Agony shot through my ribcage and sides. My laughter stopped short and I groaned, but kept a secure smile on my face as I looked over at Edward again, my expression teasingly scolding. "Oh," I whispered through the pain, "don't you _dare_ make me laugh."

Then the palm of his free hand was on my cheek, stroking it lovingly for a moment. I closed my eyes and leaned into his touch, enjoying the oh-so-unfamiliar pleasure of the strangely warm temperature. I knew he wasn't really the one who had changed, but it felt that way to me. It felt like we were equal somehow for once. It felt as though I were touching another human being. Even though I knew this was only because I was touching another vampire.

Then I looked around and noticed a subtle but noticeable difference in the room from the way I had last left it in my mind's eye. "Where's Carlisle?" I asked, more curious than concerned. I knew the experienced doctor could take care of himself, but it would have been nice to know where he had gone off to.

Edward smiled again now. "He's gone to get the others." He explained quickly, his voice softening at his next words. "They've all been very worried about you, you know."

I felt the sudden urge to laugh again and roll my eyes. Some of the Cullens perhaps I could see being concerned for me, but something told me Rosalie didn't care that much. Then again, perhaps I wasn't giving her enough credit. She had, after all, shown me nothing but kindness over the last few days. Maybe it was time I started showing her some appreciation. She was my sister after all.

I was suddenly aware of the stillness in my upper body again. It hurt a little. I breathed in and out one more time. It was startling how much you didn't notice the movement of every vital organ in your chest as it worked. As a young child I recalled playing freeze-tag with my friends. I'd thought I was standing perfectly still. That was certainly what it felt like at the time. Now I realized I had been moving a ridiculous amount; practically a vibrating spazoid compared to this. Nothing moved anymore unless I forced it too. Nothing. Now I understood how the Cullens could always stand so perfectly still if need be. Like stone. Lifeless, unmoving stone.

"Are you okay?" Edward's voice suddenly startled me from my thoughts and I nodded quickly as his expression grew concerned. I realized I must have been silent for a few minutes now, thinking. "Fine." I assured him quietly, eager to drift off into my musings again, but he spoke a second time before I could. "Are you…" He hesitated, "hungry?" The question was wary, uncertain. I thought about this for a long moment. I thought first about pizza – warm, cheesy, greasy pizza – and then I thought about blood. I was surprised at the fact that I found myself wanting the pizza more. Blood didn't seem at all appealing at the moment. I wondered if it should to me. Then again, perhaps I would feel differently when…

My thoughts trailed off and a new feeling washed over me. Something awful. I felt my face grow hot. "No." I replied, speaking quickly as I felt hot saliva flood the inside of my mouth. "No. In fact…" A wave of nausea overtook me. So much for nothing working without me telling it to. "I don't feel so good." _Oh, no_. _No, not now. Not in front of Edward…_

But to my relief Edward turned momentarily then and twisted back around to face me, grasping the little waste bucket from the bathroom in one hand. The amusement vanished from his face as he handed it to me. "Thank you." Were the last words I could manage before it happened. I turned away from him, not wanting him to see this. I felt my stomach twist painfully, the muscle contraction only made that much more agonizing by the already-existing soreness. But there was nothing I could do to stop it now. I heaved instinctively…and threw up in the small, plastic garbage can. It took once, twice, three times before the violent contortions in my stomach stopped. I spit out any of the putrid taste that remained on my tongue before placing the basket down on the floor on the opposite side of the bed from Edward.

I stayed doubled-over for a long minute, waiting for the searing pain in my abdomen to relieve itself. It took several seconds before it even began to waver in the least. I moaned, anguished. I could feel Edward's hand on my back, caressing it gently, his touch sympathetic. I didn't dare turn around to see his face. His other hand – I hadn't noticed before – had my hair fastened back in a ponytail inside his fist, held well out of the way of my face. I wanted to thank him. I knew that many people would have been repelled rapidly after seeing something like that, but then again, I supposed Edward had seen much worse in his long lifetime.

So I didn't thank him. As much as I wanted to, I found myself with only enough remaining breath to ask one lingering question. "I thought all bodily functions were supposed to stop after you became a vampire." I stated expectantly, letting my eyes close for a moment as I struggled through the stomach cramps. I heard Edward's knowing chuckle. "Don't worry." He told me softly. "They will. Give it a day, maybe two. And then you'll feel fine." He explained. "Your body just has to get rid of all the human undesirables before it can start adapting to our way of life."

I sighed heavily, one arm clasped tightly across my ribcage, gripping hard in an attempt to stop the throbbing. "Undesirables such as human food." It wasn't a question. I wasn't sure if I'd figured it out by instinct or logic, but it made perfect sense. My stomach wasn't going to tolerate anything I'd eaten before the change. It would get rid of everything and anything that wasn't of the average 'vampire diet'. The awful truth hit me with another wave of nausea: I wasn't going to stop throwing up until my stomach was completely empty.

The strange thing was, however, I was happy. Even as I held the bucket up to my face again, I couldn't help but smile through the gut-wrenching pain that scorched through my stomach. It was done. All I had to do now was get through these last few after-effects, but other than that, it was completely over. I was, as of now, Bella Swan, a vampire.

**Author's Note: Okay, this is NOT the end. More is coming soon. I just wanted to make that clear. Anyway, I hope everyone's enjoying it! Next chapter coming up right away!**


	24. Chapter 24: Enhanced

**Chapter 24: Enhanced**

I threw up until I saw bile. Once there was nothing left but stomach acid, my gut seemed to quiet somewhat, although it scorched with searing muscle pain, as did my throat. I couldn't remember ever feeling so disgusting…or so lucky. Edward sat there, half-behind, half-beside me, rubbing my back and holding my hair out of the way. A part of me wished he wasn't there. Why did he have to be there? And see _that_? But it seemed he was relentless. Every time I snuck a miniscule glance at him out of the corner of my eye I was sure I caught a smile. It was sad and sympathetic, but it was there. This helped.

After a long moment of the two of us sitting there in comfortable silence, we eventually became certain that it was all out and over with. At least I hoped it was. I was sure there couldn't possibly be anything left to throw up, but I still _felt _sick. Nauseated. Gross. Wonderful. Edward got up momentarily and when he returned he was on the side of the bed in which I was facing so he could look into my eyes for the first time since I'd woken up. He held a glass of water in hand, which I supposed he must have gotten from the bathroom. Bending down on one knee so that he was eye-level with me, he handed me the glass.

I flashed him a brief but grateful smile and held the glass up to my lips. That's when my new sense of smell kicked in. A got a whiff of the water and gagged, bringing it back down, a safe-distance from my face. I never knew water smelled so bad! It didn't smell like something I wanted to ingest in the least! It smelled stale and warm, like it had been sitting out for hours or was terribly contaminated. It smelled like…poison.

I shot Edward a disbelieving glare, but he was quick to regroup, pushing the glass back up to my lips in his own hand. "Come on." He insisted gently. "You don't have to drink it, but I thought you'd at least want to wash your mouth out." _Right. _I'd almost forgotten. Vampires didn't drink water. Then again, I supposed blood was about eighty-percent water, so it certainly wasn't going to kill me, but I still detested the thought of drinking it. Now I'd figured out why.

I let him pour a gag-sized gulp of it into my mouth before I pushed the glass away, doing my most concentrated best not to throw up again as I sloshed it around a bit, ignoring as much of the vile taste that I could before grabbing the bucket off of the floor and spitting it out. _Oh yeah, _I thought as I hacked into the bucket at least twice only inches from Edward's supervising face, _that was attractive. _After this he would probably never think of me the same way again. The sweet, pretty innocence had certainly been long-since relinquished, I was sure, after our little puking episode only a few minutes earlier.

He tried to push the glass on me again, but I refused, detesting the very smell of it as it neared my mouth a third time. I gently gripped the side of it, my fist around his, and placed it down on the bed-side table. I then rested my elbows on my knees and leaned over in hopes to ease the stomach cramps that swelled up over and over again, pulsing, in my gut. I was just barely aware that my face was only inches away from Edward's, my eyes on the floor as he watched my expression carefully. My breath must have smelled absolutely putrid. I wished he wasn't so close…he didn't seem to care however, as he then lifted himself gracefully from his knees and sat on the edge of the bed next to me, holding my head against his chest with one hand and still tracing the length of my spine with the other. I felt him kiss the top of my head, and then rest his chin against it lovingly.

I clung to him for a long moment despite my previous oath not to let him get too close. When I finally pulled away it was only slightly; he didn't let me go too far before he looked down at my face, brushing a strand of my dark hair out of my eyes as he did so. I tried to hold my breath, but what Edward had once told me hadn't been a lie: it could be done, but all your instincts when against it. It was hard. I couldn't smell anything and I had grown strangely used to that in the last few minutes. The muscles in my chest rebelled against it. I couldn't keep it up for long.

Edward smiled that perfect, crooked smile. "You're so beautiful." These words surprised me more than anything I'd heard so far. I thought my eyebrows were going to disappear into my hairline. "What?" I must have stunk something awful, I was sure my hair was a mess and I probably looked like a complete and total wreck over all. I felt like death itself. I didn't _feel _good in the least, let alone _look _good.

Edward laughed now, emitting that light, musical sound that I loved more than life itself. "Bella," he breathed light-heartedly, "has this change affected your hearing? I said you look beautiful." He repeated his previous statement, his perfect fingers tracing the outline of my perplexed expression, from the peek of my forehead all the way down to the point of my jaw. I stared at him, my jaw agape. "How could I possibly look beautiful right now?" I spoke my thoughts, more curious to know what the answer would be than anything, but he merely chuckled a second time, shaking his head in obvious disbelief. "You have never _been _more beautiful." He promised me, his voice low, seductive. His lips inched toward mine and I felt my breath freeze in my throat. _Ew. _I couldn't let him do that. It would be cruel.

My fingers flashed up between my lips and his, stopping him ever so gently in mid-motion. My face darkened apologetically. "Maybe later." I suggested quietly, my eyes flickering in the direction of the bucket on the floor momentarily. To my relief, he caught my meaning. Smiling in good-natured understanding, he nodded and drew back a few more inches. "Alright." He looked disappointed. "As long as you promise me later."

Now I couldn't help but smile. I nodded. "I promise."

"Good." A satisfied expression came over Edward's face and he leaned back casually, relaxing his muscles against the bed frame. "Now I think it would be a good idea if you went and took a good look in the mirror."

I tensed again, uncertain. I raised my eyebrows. I'd forgotten how different the Cullens always looked from normal people. They were stunningly, indescribably beautiful, like celebrities. Or better. But there was no way _I _could ever look like that…could I?

"Why?" I asked quickly, alarmed. "Do I look different?" My eyes flashed down to my arms and I noticed for the first time how pale they were. My skin had always been pale to begin with, but the color they were now reminded me of the white skin you might see on a body that had been dead for several days. It was startling, but I supposed I would have to get used to it somehow.

But Edward didn't answer. Simply laughing yet again, he got to his feet and held his arms outstretched in offering to help me up. "Just go take a look for yourself." He chuckled, but the moment I tried to get to my feet, everything screamed for me to lie back down. My stomach rebelled, squirming dangerously in my gut and threatening to expel what little contents it had left again. My head spun wildly and I found the wall I was facing tilted at such an awkward angle… "Whoa." I moaned as I found myself suddenly in Edward's arms. The room returned to an upright position again as he placed me back on my feet. "Are you okay?" He questioned, only somewhat alarmed. I nodded slowly.

I could feel my legs trembling beneath my weight and I closed my eyes for a moment, relying all of my weight momentarily on Edward as he held me. My stomach hurt. The muscles had gotten used to being to tight in my slumped-over position. Now they were being forced to stretch out again for the first time and it seemed they weren't completely in-tune to the idea. Everything else felt okay. Sore, but not unbearably so. I knew it was just a temporary after-effect. It would be gone soon enough. Just like every other human discomfort in the book.

Finally I managed to open my eyes again and the world seemed to be back in perfect order. Up was back up. And down was where the floor was. That seemed right. Edward examined my face for a long moment before he finally seemed convinced enough that I was okay to let me go. I walked – slowly – toward the bathroom. My legs shook and I could only pray that they wouldn't give out on me again. They didn't. But everything seemed very strange to me by the time I reached the bathroom. Even the floor felt different. Weaker, somehow. Like I could put my ankle through it if I stomped hard enough.

When I grabbed the doorknob to the bathroom I felt as though I might reduce it to a shriveled, dented scrap of metal if I wasn't careful. Everything felt suddenly and startlingly much more fragile than it ever had before. Like I was the hulk and everything else in the room was made of paper-thin glass. _That's weird. _I found myself thinking before I had time to reason with the concept. Then I started considering it logically. Perhaps Edward hadn't been the freak all this time. Maybe it was me. He was right. I _was _breakable. But not anymore. Now I was normal. Like him.

Closing the bathroom door behind me, the first thing I did was flatten my hair beneath the palms of my hands, desperate to make myself look somewhat presentable when I left again. I was still wearing the same clothes I had on three days ago – fantastic. And I felt strangely like I'd fallen out of a reality tree and hit every branch on the way down. What an odd notion. I leaned my back against the door for a moment, closing my eyes and letting my nose take in everything around me. It was all so incredible. I could smell everything from soap to the cleaning supplies in the cupboard – citrus-scented by the smell of it.

I opened the cupboard before I could stop myself and realize how stupid of an action it was. _Yup. _There it was. Citrus-scented bathtub cleaner. _Amazing, _I mused before straightening up again. That was when I looked in the mirror. I froze. My jaw fell open. "Oh, my…" I couldn't even finish the exclamation I'd been whispering. I couldn't believe it. If this wasn't a shock then I didn't know what was. Slowly, I raised one hand to touch the surface of the glass, tracing my outline in the reflection with my finger tips just to make sure it was, in fact a mirror and not someone else standing before me. But I suppose I knew it was me. Even if it was difficult to believe, there was no denying it: those were the features of Bella Swan.

I recognized my own face easily. I still looked like me. The difference in my features was startlingly obvious and yet…so subtle. It was both somehow. If I had been looking to find my own face, I would have, but if I had been looking to find someone else's, I would have. Sort of like one of those family photos you pull up of your grandmother when she was young. Her features were still so totally and recognizably the same and yet…so different. It was her, but…enhanced somehow. Better. I related this to me. Like I was a newer, sharper model of myself.

I removed my hand from the glass and it then went to my cheek, touching it with only the slightest of pressures. I couldn't stop looking at my own reflection. It held my gaze with an enchanting hypnotism, not letting my eyes drift away for one second. I couldn't even blink let alone look anywhere else. I'd stopped breathing. I knew that. But I didn't care anymore.

My skin was so…pale. How it could have gotten any paler than it had already been, I wasn't sure, but it reminded me of a corpse again…a stunningly beautiful corpse. A perfect corpse. A part of me was rebelling against the idea that that could even be me in any sick form of possibility, but the other part knew it was and could easily believe it. The thought that I would never be able to bring blood into my face again no matter how hard I tried scared me a little, but it was a fear that was easily evaded. Easily evaded when I looked at how perfect my features were, still the same, still _me, _but perfect. Perfectly angled, perfectly proportioned, perfectly placed…perfect. It was so strange…

I winked one eye in the mirror…and then the other. I shook my head from side to side and then placed both hands on either side of my face. I wasn't entirely sure why I did all of this. Perhaps just to be sure it was really me. Then I lifted my chin to inspect my neck, curious. There wasn't a mark on it. Only smooth, marble skin. I looked down at my hand as I lowered it from my face. My old scar was gone too.

My eyes didn't surprise me as much as I would have thought they might. I had expected them to change color. And even the color hadn't changed that much considering they used to be brown anyway…close enough to red. Right now they were a deep, dark crimson color. Like blood. I wasn't entirely certain what this meant. I didn't _think _I was thirsty, but I may very well have been. Something told me I wouldn't truly start thirsting so ravenously until I got my first taste or smell of blood. And being locked in this room would certainly help with that problem at least until I got out. I tried to imagine I was wearing contacts. That thought seemed to dial down the fear that was quietly smoldering inside of me, waiting to burst out and cause me to run away screaming, just as Edward had always said I would from the beginning. But I never did. And there was no reason this time should be any different.

Quite suddenly, with a painful wrench in my gut, I realized how sad all of this must be for Edward. I wondered if he could still love me like this…so different…and yet still the same. I had to wonder if he even noticed 'the same' part. Yes, he must. How could he not? How could anyone not? Still, the 'different' part made me want to cry. I couldn't. Not a single tear. I tried to convince myself this was a good thing, but I couldn't help but be a little bit frightened. I suppose all of this would have to take some getting used to…

That's when I heard them. The voices. They were coming from outside the bathroom door. I recognized Esme's first and then Emmet and Jasper, Carlisle and Rosalie…Edward greeting them. They had come to see me. I would have to pull myself together at least for a little while. I could talk to Edward about all of this later. Right now I would have to just look as presentable as possible, try to make my breath _smell _as presentable as possible, and head out there to say hi.


	25. Chapter 25: BloodThirsty

**Chapter 25: Blood-Thirsty**

The moment I came out of the bathroom I was greeted with a shower of hugs and congratulations. I was pleasantly surprised when even Jasper embraced me, no longer concerned about remaining at a safe distance. Gasps were mostly what I heard first when they saw me and then I was scooped up and crushed in a gigantic bear hug courtesy of Emmet. I may be stronger now, but he was still as big and bulky as he'd always been. He could pick me up easily. I tried to control the wave of nausea that overtook me as he spun me in a tight circle before placing me carefully back on my feet. I was _not _going to throw up in front of them. There was no way.

Then I felt Esme's gentle hands on either side of my face and I looked up at her slowly, cautiously. I could smell all of them, but they smelled good. Familiar. Like they always had before only stronger, and certainly not unlike me.

Esme smiled, warming my cold, still heart. "Well," she breathed joyously as her gaze met mine, "would you just look at those eyes?"

I looked down quickly, shamefully. I wasn't particularly fond of my red eyes. At least not yet. They made me look demonic in a way and were difficult to ignore. They were terrifying compared to the Cullens' immaculate, golden orbs. I hated that they looked so different from theirs. But to my surprise, Esme placed her fingertips ever so gently beneath my chin and raised my gaze to hers again. Her kind expression hadn't wavered in the least. "They're so beautiful." She shocked me by whispering, still referring to my blood-red spectrums.

I smiled ever so slightly, glad that they didn't seem too revolting to the big family. Esme released me then and I felt Edward's protective arm encircle the back of my shoulders as he stood next to me, grinning proudly as he took in his family's reactions. Carlisle's good-natured eyes took me in next. "How are you feeling, Bella?" He asked kindly, his gaze examining my entire frame.

I shrugged. "A little woozy." I admitted sheepishly. "But otherwise good."

Jasper shrugged then as though this didn't matter much before patting me once on the shoulder approvingly. "Ah, don't worry." He told me, his tone gleeful. "The wooziness'll pass. Everyone feels that way at first."

I nodded my thanks and caught a wink from Emmet's direction. He smiled. "Carlisle's good, isn't he?" He remarked, nodding toward his father purposefully. I knew he was referring to the change and I had to quickly correct him, shaking my head and glancing meaningfully up at Edward as I spoke. "Edward did it." I announced, my voice grateful, pleased.

If the family looked surprised before, now they looked floored. Their jaws dropped only for a moment before Emmet punched Edward in a congratulative, brotherly manner on the shoulder. It almost looked painful. "Alright, way to go, Ed!" He exclaimed proudly, making room for Esme when she stepped forward to take her son's hand in her own. "I'm really proud of you, Edward." She repeated the words I'd heard Carlisle expel right before the change. He shrugged modestly, as though it was nothing that deserved praise and accepted a kiss on the cheek from his mother before she stepped back.

I felt him grasp my hand then at my side as he quickly shook his head. "It was nothing." He assured everyone quickly, the humbleness in his voice unmistakable. _I knew it. _He _wasn't _proud he'd done it. He still saw it as a bad thing. I would have to slip that in with the talk I was planning on having with him later. I had to make him realize that he hadn't made a mistake, but it seemed Rosalie was already doing that for me.

"Nonsense!" She was saying when I tuned back in to the conversation. "God knows I wasn't able to do it for Emmet. I wish I had." I saw the look of affection that passed between the couple then before she continued. "It's definitely something to be proud of, Edward. You did it for her."

I grinned across the little half-circle they'd formed around us, thanking Rosalie silently, with only the aid of my expression. She smiled back. "You look fantastic, Bella." She assured me in a quieter voice. I felt I would have blushed if my heart was still pumping blood around my body. It was steadily getting used to the stillness in my chest, but it could be slightly unnerving when I wasn't guarded against it emotionally. I supposed I would have to guard myself for a while now. At least until I came to terms with all of this. I had to remind myself that it was a good thing. That there was nothing to be afraid of.

That's when I realized the door had been left wide open. A nurse passed briskly, sending a very slight but noticeable breeze through the doorway. I wouldn't even have noticed it if I hadn't suddenly been so sensitized to everything around me. But now something awoke in me that I hadn't felt yet. Something so dangerous, so ravenous, that it frightened even me as I gasped and darted backwards a step so my back was against the wall, something stable. Something that wouldn't budge if I started having a fit. I pinned myself there, closing my eyes tightly as I realized what I had almost done.

Edward's hand was on my shoulder then. I could feel his fingers digging in, prepared to hold me there if need be. Carlisle closed the door. All at once though, my confidence was shattered. I realized what I was. What I had become. I wished I could cry. I knew I would have if it were possible. I was so ashamed of myself. The feelings that had surged through me in that one tiny moment, the urges. It was so terrible. _I _was a terrible person. This wasn't going to be half as easy as I thought. All too suddenly, I had new respect for the Cullens. How could they have possibly controlled something like this for hundreds of years? How could something like this get easier? I knew that if Carlisle hadn't closed the door, I probably would have lost it completely. The only thing that ran through my mind in that moment was _blood, blood, BLOOD. No. _This wasn't happening to me. I couldn't be that person. I wasn't going to be a murderer.

It took me several minutes before I could breathe again. Or even form a coherent thought. That had been far harder than I had ever imagined. That one second hurt more than the entire three days of agony I had endured. How could I possibly do this? I swallowed hard.

I let my eyes slide open, very slowly. My gaze was met with those of six very concerned vampires. I realized with a painful twist of self-loathing that Edward was holding me against the wall, pinning me down. His other hand was on my opposing shoulder and my front was pressed forcefully against his. I glanced up over the bridge of his arm at the others. All eyes were on me, watching, scrutinizing.

"Bella," Carlisle's voice was careful, "are you alright?"

But I couldn't answer. I shook my head almost violently as I squeezed my eyes shut tightly again, desperate to get the feeling out of my head. But it wouldn't go. No matter what I did. My mouth grew hot and my body screamed for blood. _Blood. _"No." I whispered the word once before my voice got louder. "No, no, no!"

"Easy, Bella, easy." I felt Edward's hard arms around me and I fell into them, trembling uncontrollably with the thirst that was raging through my veins. I hadn't realized how hard this was going to be. I suddenly hated who I had become. The changes had been bearable before, bearable because I knew they were all worth it. But now…nothing was worth this. Nothing was worth having an addiction so dangerous…so awful. It was an addiction to taking human lives, whether I wanted to admit it or not.

I held onto Edward for all I was worth, shaking. Finally though, it seemed to settle somewhat. The thirst was still there, but I was able to push it to the back of my mind somehow. Something told me it would always be there. I wouldn't be able to get rid of it until…no, I wasn't going to _kill_ anybody. I felt a strange peace at being in Edward's arms though. To know that he too, had once gone through this was oddly comforting, like I could rely on him just that much more.

"I'm impressed." Carlisle's voice startled me and I held my breath as I peeled myself away from Edward just enough to look over at him. "That was some unbelievable self control for the first time. But it's going to get harder, I can assure you."

I closed my eyes again and rested the back of my head against the wall. "Oh my God." I managed to breathe after a long moment. But I couldn't bring myself to inhale again. I wasn't going to let myself lose what control I had again. "Oh, God, no." I shook my head slowly. When I finally looked at the Cullens again, their expressions were sympathetic. "I'm so sorry." I hated that they had to see that, but Esme was first to smile and shake her head sweet-naturedly. "Don't apologize, Bella." She ordered softly. "We've all been through it. And we're going to help you. You don't have to worry about a thing."

I thought it was nice to have this kind of safety net, but that didn't ease the aching self-loathing that was coursing through me now. "What am I going to do?" I let my voice sound frightened. I didn't have any strength left to appear strong. I let them see through me. I felt I didn't have any other choice.

At a moment's notice, Carlisle's phone was out of his pocket and at his ear. He'd already dialed while I wasn't looking. Glancing over at me kindly, he winked. "Don't worry, Bella." He told me quietly. "I'm going to get in touch with some friends and then we're going to get you out of here. Somewhere remote. Somewhere you won't have to worry anymore."

I managed the smallest of smiles, showing Carlisle the immense amount of gratitude that was searing through me at the moment, burning away at the urge that still remained. I couldn't believe this. This was _not _happening. This wasn't real. Edward embraced me again and I held onto him. He kissed my temple. How could he love me like this? How could he possibly love a monster? Not even _I _could love a monster. But that was what I had become. And there was nothing I could do about it.


	26. Chapter 26: How Much Do You Love Me?

**Chapter 26: How Much Do You Love Me?**

The walk out of the hospital was hell in its truest form. Carlisle and the others had to sneak me out due to concerns about others seeing or recognizing me. The Cullens looked normal enough. Their eyes were a close enough shade to the average person's light brown, and they'd adapted well to fitting in. I, on the other hand, still had some adjusting to do. I had to hold a cloth drenched with that scented bathroom cleaner over my nose and mouth so as to make certain I didn't have another outburst due to lack of self-control. To me the smell was so strong it burned my nostrils, but it was the only choice I had. As long as I smelled that, hopefully I wouldn't smell anything else.

The urges were still there, buried, ignored, but there. It was all I could do not to think about them. And then, when I was concentrating so hard on not thinking about them, that only made me think about them even more. I was sick. I knew that. All I could think about was human blood. Blood. Steaming, hot, crimson liquid that flowed freely…_oh, dear God. _I was sick. I hated myself in that moment. How could I possibly be thinking this? I tried to remind myself that Edward and his family all got the same urges. That they had all gone through the same thing, but they were so…normal. So controlled. I had no self-discipline.

I clutched Edward's hand as we ran down the long, white hallways to the exit, my iron grip getting tighter whenever we passed a patient's room or any room blood-related for that matter. The lab. The OR. Anything that was currently or that had ever been used with the intent of removing, storing or injecting blood. I could smell it everywhere…even through the cloth.

I impressed myself though, at how quickly I was able to run without tripping and falling. It felt as though the world was moving at a much slower, more manageable pace than it had been before, giving me the chance to be in control. To move with an almost effortless grace. This, at least, gave me some confidence. But it also frightened me a little when I thought about how easy it would be to sneak up on someone, to outrun them or wrestle them to the ground. This thought was far from comforting.

Once we were out of the hospital and in the clear, outdoor air, I lowered the cloth from my face with the intent of breathing in a deep, clean breath. But this was clearly a mistake. I only smelled many other things that I didn't need to smell. I could smell people, animals, exhaust, flowers…everything. This was definitely something I would have to get used to. At least the strong smell of blood was gone, I had to give myself that much. The thirst was still there, but more easily maintained. I didn't have to think about _not _thinking about it as much. This made it easier.

Two cars sat in the parking lot of the hospital. Edward and I climbed in his silver Volvo while Carlisle, Esme, Jasper, Rosalie and Emmett rode in Carlisle's vehicle. I took advantage of the situation. I finally had a chance to be alone with Edward again. All at once I regretted not taking the time I had with him earlier to ask these questions. But first I had to close my eyes for a moment. I knew I couldn't sleep, but I felt overwhelmed to the point of exhaustion and so I lay my head back against the seat's headrest and let my eyelids slide shut, focusing my attention on breathing evenly as I enjoyed the simple, harmless smell of leather and vampire. The relief I felt in that moment was almost unfathomable. We drove. I finally relaxed. Only when I was certain it was safe for me to tune in to the world around me again did I open my eyes and glance across the front seat at Edward. He was already looking at me, smiling encouragingly, but it didn't touch his eyes. I had to ask him now.

"Where are we going?" – Not really the most important question on my mind, but I couldn't seem to quite get any of the other ones out just yet. Perhaps I wasn't as ready to talk about it as I'd thought.

Edward sighed deeply and took one hand off of the steering wheel to run it stiffly through his bronze-colored hair. "Denali…I think." Was his only answer. The fact that he didn't seem at all certain unnerved me.

"You think?" I repeated, my voice wavering as I scrutinized his face with my eyes, examining his expression carefully. If he were lying to try to protect me from the truth, I would know it. I knew him too well to let him get away with that.

He nodded, turning his eyes from the road to look at me again, this time unsmiling. "Yes." He replied seriously. "I think so. Carlisle got in touch with Tanya and I believe he's planning on taking us to Alaska, to stay with her coven. But I'm not sure…" he paused, his expression frustrated. "He's so hard to hear at the moment. He's always so careful with his thoughts around me."

"Alice?" I couldn't keep the question off of my lips. I had been thinking about her a lot in the last couple of hours. Where was she? Was she all right? Were we already too late? I couldn't bear to think it.

Edward nodded a second time now, indicating that he had already thought of this. "I'm sure Carlisle knows what he's going to do about that." The respect for his father-figure was unmistakable in his voice, but irritation was also evident there as well. I dissected this easily: Edward was concerned about his sister and wanted to do something about it, but his priority right now was me and he wouldn't do anything without Carlisle's permission in the first place anyway. I felt spirits sink into a downward spiral of guilt. As if I wasn't already enough trouble. But I stayed on subject.

"You don't think she's…" I swallowed hard as I thought about something happening to Alice, "hurt. Do you?"

But Edward shook his head, displaying a clear front of certainty in his answer. "No." He replied quickly. "The Volturi said six days. They may have problematic ethical standards concerning people, but they consider themselves an honorable clan. They won't go back on their word."

I lowered my eyes to my hands then, which were folded neatly in my lap, my fingers twitching anxiously among themselves as I thought. I wasn't sure where we were going at the moment, whether it was back to the motel – which would have been a five-minute drive – or to the nearest big state highway, which we were to follow all the way to Alaska. Finally, I decided I didn't want to lose this opportunity to talk to Edward, just in case we were only headed back to the hotel and didn't have much time.

I opened my mouth, but before I could make any words come out, Edward was talking. "I'm sorry, Bella." He startled me by saying. Clearly taken aback, I let my eyes widen as I looked over at him, stunned. That was what I was planning on saying. "Sorry for _what_?" I demanded, almost angry that he felt any small part of this was his fault. "Sorry for changing me?"

His eyes snapped over to me then, his expression hard and unreadable. "Are _you _sorry I changed you?" He returned the question, bouncing it back to me as though it were nothing more than a tennis ball. I had to think about this for a long moment. My face fell into my hands and I groaned. He waited patiently. "I don't know." I replied finally, but I quickly regrouped when I realized what I was saying. "No." I corrected hastily. "I'm not."

His dark eyes examined my face. "Are you sure?"

"Yes." The answer came easily, my voice more certain than ever as I was finally able to organize my thoughts. "I'm not sorry you did it, Edward. I'm glad you did. If I could go back and do it all again, I wouldn't change a thing." I had to assure him of all of this before I got to the true meat of my statement. "I'm just sorry for what I've let myself become."

He raised one, perfect eyebrow inquisitively. "And what is that?" He inquired, seeming more curious than anything, although his tone was careful, as though he were bracing himself for a painful verbal blow.

But my answer came in a soft whisper. "A monster."

Now his face turned from stone to rage. His eyes hardened to a further extent. He looked at me with an intenseness that I'd never seen before. "Is that what you think you are to me?" He questioned, his voice no longer gentle. I thought I heard a vicious snarl building in the depths of his throat. But I didn't stop myself there, as I should have. I pushed the envelope even further. "I know I am." I replied, my tone colored vibrantly with anger and shame combined. Now I did hear it. A low rumble emitting from Edward's chest and working its way into his throat. Like a lion who had just been unpleasantly surprised.

I didn't let him say a word before I continued. "I can't get this feeling out of my head." My fists came up to beat once against my temples as I squeezed my eyes closed tightly and shook my head in enraged frustration. "I shouldn't feel like this, Edward. I feel like, wherever I go, whatever I do, I will always be this…this…beast. This thing that lurks in the shadows of people while they sleep and then…_kills_. A murderer. Nothing more than a monster." My voice was dripping with resent for myself as I spoke, but I couldn't _not _tell him. I had to get it off my chest. But even then I didn't feel any better. I still felt sick…disgusted with myself. The feeling was relentless.

His expression had softened now, but only slightly. His voice was still hard, scolding, reminding me a painful enough amount of Charlie when he was angry. "Bella," he half-shouted, half-whispered, his tone pleading for my attention. He reached across the front seat with one hand and took mine in it, giving it an affectionate squeeze, "we've all felt like that at some point or another. You can't blame yourself for these things. They _are _going to happen. And someday…you'll be able to accept them."

I shook my head defiantly, unbelieving. "How could I ever accept something like this into my life?"

"You will." He sounded too certain for me not to listen this time. "Trust me. Someday it will be much easier for you to resist. And when that time comes, there will be no need for you to see yourself as something awful."

Still, I wasn't convinced. "But until that…" My voice trailed off as Edward cut in before I could finish.

"Until that day comes," he interrupted, his tone much softer now, "you have to know that you are _loved_. We all love you too much to let you think these terrible things about yourself. You are worth so much more than that. You have to know that." He raised my hand to his lips and kissed the back of it tenderly, the corners of his mouth turning up in a good-natured smile. This time it reached his eyes. He meant it. "We're going to help you." He promised me gently. "You _are _going to get through this. It's not easy for anyone, especially at the beginning. You can't torture yourself for having natural instincts. You're already so much better at resisting them than many, no," he rethought this, "_all _of the vampires I know."

I was quiet for a long moment now, lulling this thought over in my mind. I wasn't entirely certain I believed him. "Really?" I had to confirm it. It was possible, after all, that he was only telling me this to make me feel better. This time I was guarded for the answer. If he lied, I would know it.

But his voice was sincere. "Really." He answered. I believed him. "Hell, when I was first created, Carlisle had to practically tie me down to keep me from killing anyone and everyone in sight." He shrugged and laughed now at the ridiculousness of it all. "Carlisle was so disgusted with himself he was throwing himself off of buildings just to try and rid the world of what he thought…" he took a long pause and his eyes bore into me, "was a monster."

Recognition flickered across my mind. I remembered the story well. Edward had told it to me the first time I had been to his house and met his family. They had all been so wonderful…I had trouble believing that Carlisle, the strongest, most composed of them all had once felt this way. Did he _still _feel this way? He couldn't. Not when he knew how much his 'children' loved and respected them. I knew each and every one of them would lay down their lives to protect their father's good name. He was an icon; an example of what dark, evil monsters could so easily become if they had the will and compassion for human kind to do so. There was no way I could ever be like him…could I? Was it even possible?

Or Esme. I certainly had trouble envisioning sweet, motherly Esme losing what control she had and going on a killing spree in the beginning. It very well could have happened…I shuddered at the notion. I couldn't let myself think such things. Not about her. Not now.

Then Edward's gentle fingertips were beneath my chin, lifting my eyes to meet his as he pulled me from my thoughts. "Bella," his voice had lowered to a whisper now as he took me in, smiling ever so slightly, "I love you so much." For a moment he looked as though he were about to continue, but I didn't give him the chance.

"Do you?" The words slipped out before I could stop them and Edward's gaze turned hard again as he looked at me. But he didn't pull back.

"What are you talking about?" He asked seriously, his tone taking on the atmosphere of an interrogation.

I wasn't intimidated. I made myself be straightforward with him, honest. "How could anybody love me like this?" My voice was tight with emotion as I raised one hand to cover my eyes, resting my face against the palm as I leaned my elbow against the door. I couldn't bear to see his face when I asked him that question. I was genuine about it. I didn't know how he truly felt, but I had to ask. This was the most important question I'd been waiting to ask. The one that would decide my fate. If his reaction was agreeing, I wouldn't burden him with my presence any longer. It was difficult to think such a thing, but I would understand if he said he didn't love me anymore. How could he?

"I can't believe you would even ask that question." His voice was sharp. I looked up. "Bella, you have to know by now that I would love you even if you were a wrinkled old hag with gray wire for hair."

I wanted to laugh at this, but I couldn't. I didn't feel like laughing. He continued. "But you are more gorgeous than you have ever been." He promised me, making me blush inwardly, invisibly. "You were already so beautiful before, and I didn't think I could ever love you more than I did then, but I was wrong. I love you, Bella. More than you will ever know. You are a sweet, kind person with so much…light radiating from you even now. You haven't changed as much as you think." His tone was lightening, pleased that he'd gotten his point across. His hand went to my face then, touching his palm to my cheek affectionately as his eyes took me in for the hundredth time. I leaned into his touch, placing my own hand on the outside of his just to make sure he didn't pull away before I wanted him too. I never wanted him too. His touch was so different, so…warm. Did he feel the same way? That was when I started to understand. The feeling was mutual, the differences the same. He loved me _more _because of this, not less…just as I did him. The changes were wonderful on both accounts. Not just one.

I managed a small, sad smile. "I love you, Edward." I told him quietly, my voice strained. I couldn't let him think that he was the only one enjoying the changes now. This was a two-way street. He had to know that. I didn't want him feeling like he was giving so much and not receiving a thing. But he leaned across the front seat of the car then, pecking me quickly on the cheek before returning his eyes to the road. I would have liked for him to have gotten my lips, but I supposed that would just have to wait until we weren't traveling a hundred miles an hour in a small, cluttered town.


	27. Chapter 27: Pictures

**Chapter 27: Pictures**

Edward's driving didn't bother me half as much as it had before. I understood now. I knew what it was like to have the world moving at such a manageable pace that my reflexes became almost cat-like. It came more easily than I had ever expected. I could remember once thinking that Edward's natural grace and the ease at which he moved came as a result of nothing more than over a century of experience at living. I simply thought you learned to anticipate, to react more quickly from experience. I was dead wrong, of course. When one became a vampire they were immediately sensitized to everything around them, making it ridiculously easy to act and _re_act.

I thought I might like to try my hand at driving when I felt a little better, just to see how quickly I could truly go without hitting anything, as I normally would have. It might be fun. At the moment, of course, I was far too distracted to want to try anything of that stature just yet. I needed to feed…soon. And while I didn't like the idea of hunting and killing something, I could feel my mind slipping away from reason with every minute that passed without sustenance. I was afraid that if I were to wait too long, I would lose all ability to think practically, and then the world would really be in trouble.

We did go back to the motel, but only long enough to grab my belongings and check out. Then Carlisle ordered Emmett to go back and get his Jeep. We would have to leave the other cars. They were unnecessary and would only draw undesirable attention to us as we drove. We would take three vehicles; that was all. My mind couldn't help but linger on the fact that all of this was happening because of me. It caused the tiny tumor of guilt that was already building inside of me to rupture and spread the cancer to the rest of my body in a matter of minutes. I tried to apologize, but I would barely begin to get the words out before one of them would interrupt me, and tell me it wasn't my fault and that they were happy to help. Still, this didn't ease the pain of knowing I was the catalyst in all of this.

Jasper, however, didn't say a word. I wondered momentarily if he really _did _blame me. I tried to imagine what he must have been going through. Then, I stopped myself when I realized I _did _know. I knew very well in fact. I had once been through it too. That awful period of time that seems to crawl by without the most important person in the world to you at your side. I made a mental note to talk to him about it later. Maybe I could help. Maybe I could put his mind at ease at least for now, just enough to win him back over.

Carlisle, at least, seemed to be carrying a mental clock in his head. I didn't doubt for one second that he knew exactly how much time we had to bring Alice back to the family, right down to the minute. He was registering everything, factoring in aspects of it all that none of us had thought of yet, I was sure. He was dividing what time he had into segments, calculating how much time it would take to get to wherever we were going and then how much more time it would take when we got there to finish whatever we had to do to save Alice.

I missed Alice. Missed her sweet, bubbly nature. Missed the soothing, lightening effect she had on this family in times of concern. Missed the way her voice sounded when she was happy, or angry. Missed everything about her. I wondered how terribly multiplied all of those feelings were in Jasper's head.

I suppose it would have been faster to simply fly to Alaska, but something told me several hours trapped in a pressurized steel tube with hundreds of innocent people wasn't going to help my situation. Not by a long shot. Still, I supposed driving wasn't such a bad option. In fact I kind of liked the idea. Carlisle and Esme would be traveling in their own black Mercedes while Emmett, Rosalie and Jasper would ride in Emmett's Jeep, leaving only Edward and I alone again in his car. It was kind of nice, in fact, to be able to enjoy the safe, simple aroma of leather and clean air. I felt more relaxed already, glad to be headed somewhere far away from civilization. Somewhere where, as Carlisle had so accurately put it, 'I wouldn't have to worry anymore'. It gave me a new sensation of what it felt like to a vampire. A batter one. A more controlled one. That was when I decided I was ready.

"Can I drive?" I asked, my voice cheerful and eager for once in the last several hours. Edward didn't hesitate. His answer was simple.

"No."

"Why not?" I demanded, my bubbly mood only slightly wounded.

"You're hungry, Bella." He replied, his voice more serious than mine could ever be in the state I was in. "You aren't thinking straight. There's no way I'm letting you behind the wheel of my car in the mind-set you're in."

Now I was breeching the line of offense. My mood wavered considerably, almost altering completely. "And how exactly do you know what mind-set I'm in?" I demanded a little more sharply than intended, my tenacious tone surprising even me.

Edward raised his eyebrows now and looked over at me conclusively, as though he had proved his point, but when I didn't say anything indicating I understood, he explained. "Well," he sighed, "for one thing you're snapping at me and that's a pretty good sign you're becoming more ornery by the minute."

Now I had lost all sense if cheerfulness. Crossing my arms over my stone chest, I looked at him, my voice becoming enraged. "I am _not _ornery!" I argued, but even as I said it I caught the hint of negligence in my voice before I could stop it. I was beginning to abandon everything I had been thinking only a moment before, and that could prove to be very dangerous when I was dealing with my own bestial tendencies. I was beginning to see Edward's point. If I could lose control that quickly during a pleasant conversation with someone I loved so much, how far could go with an innocent, and very edible – to me – stranger? He was right. This was nothing to mess around with.

Sighing in obvious defeat, I threw my upper body back against the seat, leaning my head against the headrest and closing my eyes for a long moment. This was going to be tricky. Finally, I opened one eye and glanced over at him questioningly. "After I'm fed, then?" I asked, hopeful, referring to the shiny silver Volvo we were traveling in. Now his own mood shifted as well and he did something that raised my hopes considerably: he laughed. Now I was certain he was going to say yes.

"No." He chuckled through shortened breaths as his velvety laughter died down enough for him to speak coherently.

"_Why not!?" _I couldn't keep the fury out of my voice as the words burst from my lips. What was wrong with me? Clearly though, he wasn't intimidated.

"Bella," he breathed lightly, turning his eyes back across the front seat of the car so they were on me again. I couldn't help but note the amusement dancing in them. It was infuriating, "you're young, inexperienced. God only knows what could happen if I let you drive at this stage." He explained, his smooth voice no longer careful. He got the truth across with seemly effortlessness.

But I wasn't about to give up that easily. He was forgetting, I was one of them now and I wasn't going to have everything simply explained to me anymore; I was going to do them. "What stage?" And so we'd come full circle. But Edward was patient. He lowered his voice and replied calmly. "The stage where you can't yet control yourself."

"I can control myself!"

"Ah, you say that now," Edward pointed one finger at me matter-of-factly from the driver's seat, "but wait until you get your second whiff of blood, _any _kind of blood. By the third time it happens you won't be able to hold back any longer." He promised me gently, although his voice had regained that hint of seriousness again. And again, I felt like arguing. It was true, at the moment I felt as though I could do anything. Like I was invincible and could easily withstand the darkest of dark temptation, but that was only because I was finally in a safe and relaxing environment. When I truly thought about it, I doubted my abilities somewhat should I be placed in a small room, alone with a delicious, innocent human. A drifter for example. Someone who wouldn't be missed. Someone with no ties or pegs keeping them pinned in society…no one would ever know. Yes, I didn't doubt it now. In a situation such as that, I wouldn't be able to withhold. I realized that now. Again, the old ache of self-loathing returned. How long was this going to go on? How long would I be able to bear the guilt of having these thoughts? Certainly not forever…

Edward was looking at me now, his expression composed but concerned, a touch of sympathy evident in his beautiful eyes. "Bella, I'm sorry." He sighed finally, his voice changing completely as all amusement dropped out of his gaze. "I didn't mean to make you feel badly…I just wanted you to understand…"

I shook my head. "It's alright, Edward. I _do _understand." I raised my eyes to meet his and I managed a tiny smile, the corners of my lips just twitching upward in the very slightest. "And I'm glad you're willing to help me."

He smiled then too, not taking his eyes off of mine for a long second. His dark gaze was distant, as though he were remembering something. I wondered if it had anything to do with his own change. I would certainly understand if it did. This must bring back so many memories for him…

I reached over with one hand now and touched the back of his, wrapping my fingers tightly around it on the gearshift as my thirst took a turn from blood to his comfort. That was the first time it happened. It startled me at first, but curiosity took over at a shocking pace. Images flashed through my head. Pictures so vivid that they overruled reality itself, making them the only thing I could see or focus on as they played like a movie behind my eyes, revealing to me things that I could have no way of ever truly seeing before with my own eyes. So how was I seeing them now? It felt as though they were memories…how was I remembering something that never happened to me? It didn't make any sense…but that didn't seem to matter as I realized what I was seeing.

_White. Beds. Hundreds of them. All in one room. So many people. _I struggled to get a clear grip on it all… _A doctor. Someone familiar. Someone I knew. Blond hair, movie-starrish good looks. A woman. Human. Dying. Sweating. Sick. _It was so difficult to make out… _"Please." I heard her say. "Do everything in your power to save him." Then the doctor, "I will." _Save him? I'd heard that somewhere before, was that…no. It couldn't be. _And then I saw him. The memory reeled forward. The doctor was at the side of another bed. Someone familiar again. Someone I knew…he had bronze hair and green eyes. Green? No. They were supposed to be gold. Why were they green? And he was sick…very sick. I could see that. _The pictures were getting blurry. Everything was happening so fast… _He was sweating as well…badly. His eyes were closed. He looked awful…too human to be whom I thought. And he was dying…_

"Edward no!" The cry startled even me as the present suddenly hit me like a bolt of lightning: fast and painful, unexpected. All of it had been unexpected. I couldn't figure any of it out. What had just happened to me?

Edward looked alarmed as his perfect eyes examined my features, his hand recoiling from me as though he was afraid he'd hurt me. "What?" He questioned, confused. "Bella, what's wrong?"

I was panting. Something had happened to me…but I couldn't figure out what. Something terrible and incredible all in the same moment. My eyes were focused steadily on the dashboard of Edward's car. I couldn't tear them away as I let the wheels turn in my head, trying to work it all out. The pictures had moved so fast…so…indiscernible. I never would have figured any of it out if I didn't already know the story…I didn't let my breathing slow down, even though I knew it didn't really matter if I never breathed again. I just couldn't concentrate enough on my physiology at the moment to care.

"What happened?" The words lulled from my lips in a whisper as my hand traveled practically at the speed of light to my forehead, pushing my hair back over the top of my head and holding it there. What _had _happened? Images…I could just barely remember them now. It had been like a dream…a startling, shocking dream that you forgot the moment you woke up fully. But I couldn't sleep…so what had I seen? If it wasn't a dream, then what? I tried to remember it. _Any _of it. Carlisle had been there? Had it been Carlisle? Yes, I was sure. A hospital? No. Not a hospital. Something else. Something…older. Something less clean…but it was gone. I couldn't hold onto it any longer. The memories faded away all too suddenly and I found myself suddenly able to think about my physical situation.

I turned my eyes up on Edward. He looked urgent…frightened, almost. His eyes took in every emotion that played across my face. He was shaking his head and shrugging. "I don't know, Bella. You tell me." He was saying when I tuned him in to my acutely sensitized hearing again. It was only then that I realized I had been muttering, "What happened? What happened? What happened?" Over and over again, just barely mouthing the words as my mind scrambled for an answer. Any answer would do. Just something that might give me a logical explanation for this. But I could think of nothing that fit the description. Was I going insane then? It was possible…I was very thirsty…

Edward's eyes scrutinized my features, calculating every movement they made carefully. "Bella, what's the matter?" He asked again, leaning across the front seat to take my hand tenderly in his own. For some, unfathomable reason, I shrunk away from his touch, unwilling to make contact a second time. He looked hurt for a moment and I opened my mouth, hoping beyond hope that I would be able to offer him _some _form of an explanation, however vague it may be, but something else happened much, much more quickly.

My eyes flickered to the windshield. The back bumper of Carlisle's Mercedes was nearly through it. "Edward! Look out!"

His eyes went back to the road faster than any human could have ever reacted. I knew any _normal _person wouldn't have had time to even think about braking, but Edward seemed to. His foot floored the brake pedal and he wrenched the steering wheel to the left, his knuckles whiter than the rest of him as his fingers wrapped themselves tightly around it. Edward had once told me he had never been in accident before. His reaction time was far too good for that, but that was against a _human _driving a car, not an older, faster-thinking vampire. I was surprised we were crumpled up inside that Volvo like a pop can by now.

We had been tail-gaiting Carlisle and he'd reacted to something…fast, and while Edward wasn't watching the road. I was surprised neither of us had heard the brakes. Then again, we were both very distracted…why had he braked so quickly anyway? Wasn't _his _reaction time just as good, if not better than Edward's? What could have possibly happened to make Carlisle pull up like that? Certainly not an animal in the road. He would have seen that long before we approached it. And not a person either…

We spun out, the tires screaming violently against the pavement as the car pivoted to the side of the road, halting abruptly at the end of the skid-marks it had created when it reached the shoulder. I was impressed. That was still better than any human could do. We'd narrowly missed the back end of Carlisle's car. Emmett had been right behind us and now had the nose of his Jeep facing us from the opposite shoulder while we faced straight ahead. Carlisle was positioned directly in the middle of the road. There were no other cars around, at least we could be grateful for that. But then…what had happened?

Edward's and my door opened at the same time and we both stood up. He glanced across the roof of the Volvo at me, his expression only slightly concerned. "You okay?" He asked, simply out of pure habit, as there was clearly nothing wrong with me, nor could there be after something as miner as that. Still, I nodded – to humor him if nothing else. "What happened?" I demanded, hoping beyond hope that maybe he'd managed to catch a glimpse of something. But he merely shrugged and shook his head cluelessly, sending disappointment crawling through me for a brief moment before I turned my eyes to the road.

That's when I realized there _had _been somebody there, blocking our path. For a moment I wondered why Carlisle hadn't seen them and then, upon further examination, I got my answer. Recognition flickered first across my features and then anger. How _dare_ they? Five figures stood in the center of the road, each enormous for even the tallest of men, each shirtless and with red-brown skin and dark hair. Everyone got out of their cars.


	28. Chapter 28: Confrontation

**Chapter 28: Confrontation**

I was still shaken from the vision of sorts that I'd had. At least now I was lucid enough to put a name to it, but it still didn't dull the shock that surged through me in that moment. I could just barely focus on what was happening _now_. Everything was happening so quickly…

I heard Emmett's voice as his massive form emerged from the Jeep across the road from us. "Ah, Carlisle," his tone was disapproving as he too took note of who had stopped us, "you should've just hit them."

Carlisle's answering growl was low, dangerous. He didn't look back at his son, didn't dare take his eyes off of the newcomers for one second, but he still managed to communicate the fact that he wanted Emmett's jaw considered wired shut immediately.

"Bella, get back in the car." The urgency in Edward's tone startled me and I glanced over at him, confused. "Hurry!" He snarled in a harsh whisper when I didn't respond. "Before they see you."

My eyes flickered once over Jacob's stiff, furious stance and I hesitated, just for a moment before ducking back inside the Volvo. Edward was over on my side in a matter of seconds and he closed the door securely behind me, leaving me with only the windows as a reliable resource for further updates on the situation. I knew I wouldn't be in here long. I wasn't intending on hiding my new vampire form forever, especially from the Quileutes. If they didn't like it then all the better. (I had to admit, my lingering anger towards Jacob Black wasn't improving matters of the heart for me). I would have something to say about it.

Still, I kind of wanted to see how this was going to play out first. With my freshly heightened hearing I was able to catch everything that was being said with ease, even with the car doors closed and the windows rolled up. If anything was said, done or even implied to suggest harm coming to any one of the Cullens, I would be out of the car in an instant, ready to solidify my choice of sides in this hate-war of sorts. If Jacob seriously thought I would be with them should the situation every come to this, he was sorely mistaken. I knew what the right side was. The good side. The one that just might triumph with my help. And I was already on it.

It didn't look as though any one of them had seen me in the brief time that I had been exposed. Their focus was on Carlisle first and foremost, and then I saw their attention drift briefly to the other members of my family. And they _were _my family. I wouldn't take it well if something were to happen to any one of them.

"This is going to be interesting." I heard Rosalie mutter as she stepped from the Jeep next to Emmett, halting when she was sure she'd gotten close enough to be of the appropriate amount of help. I couldn't help but laugh quietly to myself in the dark solitude of Edward's car. _My thoughts exactly, _I mused as I turned my eyes back to the windshield to watch.

Edward was muttering something as well as he strode up to stand by Carlisle and Esme, Emmett, Jasper and Rosalie not far behind them. It sounded like something spoken along the lines of, "Damn, this is all we need." I fought down the guilt that was slowly swelling up inside of me again as a result of the knowledge that this was over me. Just like everything else, I was the reason Sam's pack had rallied against us now. I wondered how much they knew. How _could _they know _anything_? Then again, as Edward and Carlisle had both so helpfully brought up, they, like us, had connections.

My suspicions about their knowledge were confirmed the very second Sam started talking. His voice was sharp, vengeful, like he had a very specific purpose for being here. "Running away again Cullen?" But it wasn't a question. He spat the assumption like venom. He spoke again before Carlisle even got a chance to open his mouth. "Why would you be doing that I wonder?" Again, more of a statement than an inquiry. His dark eyes narrowed as he took in every one of my family members, scrutinizing them with his penetrating gaze. I noted with a painful blast of comprehension that Edward had placed himself between the pack and his car, blocking my view only slightly.

This was the first time I noticed now sharp my vision had become along with everything else. I thought I could have read their lips had I not been able to hear anything.

Carlisle didn't look as though he was ready to start a dispute of any kind. He held both hands up in a peaceful, non-threatening manner, his voice coming out in hushed, composed tones. "Why don't you just take it easy, Sam?" He suggested calmly, approaching with the slowest of vampire paces. His children weren't far behind him. They all looked prepared, but self-restrained, at least for the moment. It was clear they didn't want to waste time fighting.

Sam's answer was sharp, impatient, his voice loud upon reply. "Don't tell me what to do, leach!" He retorted furiously.

Carlisle ignored the degrading deviation completely. "We don't want any trouble." He clarified briefly before glancing around at Esme and the others, his expression warning them to take the same stance as he: peaceful and non-threatening. I could see they were all doing their best, but it was difficult. The tension was palpable, even from where I sat several yards back.

"We're not bothering you or the pack." Carlisle reminded him gently. "So please, just let us go on our way."

"Don't you dare tell me what to do!" Sam repeated, his voice even louder this time, harsher. As he shouted launched himself at Carlisle, just barely managing to maintain his human form by the look of it, as he pinned the old vampire against the hood of his car, his immense fist grasping the collar of his shirt in a motion that looked painfully rough.

My cold fingers found the car's door handle and they froze there, hesitating until I was certain one way or the other as to what I should do. If Sam or any of the others made any further violent movement, I would be out to face them in a flash. But Sam paused now, holding Carlisle against the car's glossy, back surface for a long moment, his entire body trembling almost uncontrollably. I could see what he was trying to keep from doing. He was saving that until he was finished his verbal thrashing and therefore ready to commence a more physical brawl. But I wasn't going to wait for that. I sat, every muscle in my hard body tense as I waited to hear what would be said next. I was ready.

Embry was the one who spoke next as his superior was clearly in no state to do so. "We heard you violated the treaty." He informed Carlisle from behind Sam, having to lean over to the right slightly to read his features. "You bit someone." He stated simply, his tone conclusive. "Did you kill her?"

_Her? _How much did they know? If they knew it was a 'her', then how far did their information take them? I didn't let my body relax in the slightest as I continued to listen.

Carlisle's answering tone was still amazingly calm despite his current situation. "I didn't bite anyone." He countered smoothly, relaying to them nothing less than the purest truth. It wasn't dishonest. _He _hadn't bitten anyone. Clearly though, the pack wasn't satisfied to let him off the hook on a technicality. Sam's grip tightened on his shirt before he released him, impacting him violently against the hood of his car before allowing him to stand up to his full height again. This infuriated me. I wasn't going to stand to watch _my _family be thrown around like this, not by…_dogs. _I surprised myself. If I had ever thought of myself as anything, it had never once been a racist…or prejudiced, whatever this matter was. But now I found myself strangely biased, and not at all equally sided. I supposed that perhaps it had something to do with my current state of depressive self-loathing. Maybe my mind just wasn't up to fighting for itself anymore. I was free to think what I wanted. This didn't make it right, of course, but clearly I wasn't concerned about what was right or wrong at the moment. And so I continued to watch, my money on my own breed.

"Don't bother lying to us, Cullen." Sam snarled, stepping back from him just enough to calm himself. "It only insults our intelligence." His voice lowered to a growling, canine-like snarl. "And believe me when I say the last thing you want to do is insult us right now." I remembered how kind this entire pack had been to me once, so many months ago. I didn't like seeing Sam like this…or any of them. They had taken good care of me after all, even when they knew already where my loyalties lay. Still, I didn't let this sway my opinion. They were nothing more than dogs to me now…they had to be. That was all I could afford to see them as.

As I watched, Carlisle opened his mouth to say something but was abruptly cut off, this time by Jacob. _Oh, Jacob…_ my heart softened ever so slightly as he stepped forward, but _no_! I wasn't going to let myself feel badly for him! Not now! Not ever! Not even after everything he'd done for me! I didn't owe him anything! But I knew I was forcing myself to think all of this as I listened.

""Who was it?" Jacob demanded, his tone vicious and nothing short of downright intolerant. His intent was delivered clearly in his voice: he wasn't going to stand for any nonsense. But even with this new factor added in, I managed to breathe a brief sigh of relief, no matter how short-lived that relief may be. They didn't know who had been bitten. That was something. I only prayed no one opened their big mouths and let the truth slip. I wasn't disappointed. Not even Edward spoke up.

"Who _was it_!?" Jacob ordered to know a second time, his voice loudening to an angry shout now. I could see him starting to shake…

"Just relax now, Jacob Black." Carlisle murmured quietly, his tone implying that it was more of a friendly suggestion than an order. "No one was killed…"

"_I don't care! Just tell me who it was!" _Jacob was trembling so violently now that I was afraid he wasn't going to wait for an answer. He took on the stance of an attacker, prepared to pounce if need be. I watched the Cullens do the same, their muscles stiffening, as though bracing themselves for a fatal blow, ready to fight back. _No! _I wasn't going to sit back and watch this happen!

I wrenched at the door handle and leapt from the car, out into plain sight as Jacob crouched low for the launch. "Jake!" I had to cry out before it was too late, causing his head to snap around in my direction, his intense stance falling to pieces when he saw me rushing toward him. I stopped next to Edward, ignoring the scolding glare I received from him as I trained my eyes on my old friend, scrutinizing his reaction.

First it was fear that flashed across his dark eyes, then denial. "No." I heard him whisper as his eyes took me in, his expression dreading as it all registered in his mind. "Bella, no." He started to shake his head repeatedly from side to side. I was sure I saw tears glazing over his vision. "No, Bella." His voice was choked now. "Not you."

Anger wasn't far behind his initial reactions. His gaze became suddenly infuriated as it turned on Edward. "What have you _done to her_!?" He roared, the trembling suddenly becoming worse than I'd ever seen it before. It wouldn't be long now. I didn't know how he was able to control it even up until now…

But, to my utter horror, Edward didn't respond. Didn't even try. I knew how much this would anger Jacob…then it was too late. "Filthy blood-sucker!" He exclaimed, ignoring Sam's protests for his young charge to restrain himself. "I'll kill you!" Then it happened. Before any of us could react, a horrifying tearing sound exploded into the air and all at once, a russet-brown wolf the size of a horse was launching itself at Edward, shredded scraps of clothing littering the street as it raced forward on all fours, its black lips peeling back to reveal massive, white canines. It had to be the most terrifying thing I had ever seen.

"Jake, no!" I tried to place myself skillfully between him and Edward, but Edward was quicker. His fingers locked around my arms in an iron grip that I didn't have a change of struggling out of before throwing me out of harm's way like a rag doll. I couldn't blame him. He knew as well as I that it would be impossible for a werewolf of Jacob's immaturity to control just whom he plowed through and killed on the way to his victim. He would have torn me to shreds without a thought had I succeeded in getting in his way. Still, that would have been so much better than what was about to happen instead…

I hit the pavement with little more than an annoying thud before I sat up again to assess the damage. "Edward!" I was screaming but I didn't care. I tried to reach them and make it stop, but then Emmett's steel hold was around me, hauling me to my feet and holding me back as I watched my beloved Edward and dear Jacob battle to tear each other to shreds. This wasn't happening. I'd once promised myself I would never let this happen! But Jacob was clearly merciless to my feelings as he pinned Edward to the ground, his massive weight crushing down on him as he placed one gigantic paw on his suddenly delicate-looking chest.

"Edward, no! Jake, stop!" But my voice was lost among the growls, the deafening roars. A part of me was glad we weren't within the town boundaries anymore (we were just barely outside of them), as this way there would at least be no witnesses…or innocent victims.

Jacob was snapping at Edward's face, held at bay only by his opponent's strong hands pushing desperately against his throat. I was so sure one of them was going to come out dead, but the terror in my soul wavered slightly when Carlisle's fierce roar was joined by another and the werewolf was suddenly side-swiped by two vengeful vampires. Carlisle and Jasper hauled him off of Edward, protected from oncoming blows inflicted by the rest of the pack by Esme and Rosalie, who had taken up the chorus of terrifying snarls. Emmett continued to hold me at bay, having to tighten his grip the more I struggled. I'd convinced myself now that I was prepared to fight for my family if this were to turn into an all-out, bloody battle right here and now. Who I was prepared to kill though was another matter all together.

Sam's booming voice startled us all as he opened his mouth again, his tone furious. "This is a war, leaches!" He shouted ruthlessly as I recognized the same changes about to happen in him that had just taken place in Jacob. "Prepare to die! Every one of you!" That said, a monstrous, black beast appeared in his place, sending shreds of clothing scattering across the pavement with several others as the rest of them made the impossibly quick transformation as well.

We were ready this time, reacting more quickly than we had before. Emmett released me, shoving me almost roughly in the direction of Edward's car as Carlisle's order rang out over the growls. "Run!"

I was in the car faster than I used to be able to blink, devastatingly relieved when Edward appeared in the driver's seat next to me. I had been afraid for a moment that I'd lost him. I hadn't seen him get up…

Edward roared the engine to life and I watched out my own window, as Emmett had to drag Rosalie to their Jeep. She struggled almost with a raging madness for just enough liberation to be able to fight. It would have been enough to make me smile had the circumstances been different. I remembered Edward telling me that tenacity was the power Rosalie bore. It didn't surprise me. She was a fighter.

But before I could see any more, tires were squealing against the asphalt and we sped away, narrowly avoiding a side-attack inflicted by one of the huge wolves. This was fortunate. I knew any one of them would have no problem crushing our car like an empty soda can. Carlisle's black Mercedes was already ahead of us and Emmett's Jeep at our side. I knew Edward was flooring the accelerator. We must have reached top speed in a matter of seconds, blazing down the highway faster than any human could have managed without promptly losing control.

I kept my eyes on the rear-view mirror. It was true; the wolves were fast, but not that fast. I watched for several minutes, my panic slowly dying into calm as they faded away in the dust. But just before they disappeared into nothingness, I was certain I heard Sam's voice. Could they speak in their bestial forms? I didn't think so. Perhaps they'd changed back. I couldn't be certain. I could no longer see them. But I could definitely hear him shouting after us. "That's right, run away!" He called furiously. "We'll find you! It doesn't matter what you do! We'll find you and make sure you never come back!"

I heard Edward sigh next to me. My eyes shifted across the front seat to him. He glanced at me and as our eyes met I could see how hard he must have been trying to keep the worry out of his gaze. He swallowed once, his voice trembling as he spoke. "I think we lost them."


	29. Chapter 29: Priorities

Author's Note: First of all, I just want to apologize for any confusion. Apparently Fanfiction was having an issue or two and some of the chapters refused to show themselves. Anyway, it looks as though it's probably all cleared up now and I just wanted to make sure everyone is still enjoying the story. Here's chapter 29!

**Chapter 29: Priorities**

As much as I wanted to trust Edward's normally precise judgment, I allowed my eyes to linger on the rear-view mirror for several more minutes before I finally let myself relax – even if it was only slightly. A part of me felt for Jake and – although that part was ridiculously small in comparison with me feelings for others…well, one other – I wished it didn't have to be this way. That tiny part of me longed for that time when Jacob and I were such close friends…such loving friends. But upon further recollection on that time I remembered something that sent a cruel jolt of pain through my already-dead heart. That had been a very empty time for me. A time when something so big in my life was missing that there was barely any point to living anymore. But I _did _remember Jacob. His kindness. It was almost enough to make me smile. He'd given me a reason for living despite everything, a reason to wake up every morning and a reason to go to bed every night. And although it was a miniscule and seemingly unimportant reason at the time, it was still enough of a reason to be accommodated. He'd probably saved my life.

I remembered the night Sam Uley had found me in the forest, broken – not physically of course, but absolutely emotionally shattered – and alone. He had been so gentle at the time as he lifted me up into his arms and carried me home. I remembered not wanting him. Not wanting anyone but Edward, but Sam didn't seem to care. He looked after me quite well just the same. I didn't like to think about that night, but sometimes it appeared, vague and ghost-like on the edges of my memory, drifting in and out over the line as carefully as possible, wary not to upset me. I didn't really mind anymore though. Edward was with me, and that made all those months of nothing short of hell completely worth it. Yes, they would always be there, lurking in the shadows of my past, but they didn't deserve to be remembered. They weren't worth any more tears…not that I could give any anyway.

But times were different now, I had to remind myself as I turned my eyes on Edward briefly, sighing at the indescribable sight of his perfect, god-like face. I could think of Jacob as nothing more than the enemy, for that was all he was to me at the moment. They all were. I was surprised at how differently I thought of them now that the Cullens had returned. As much as seeing Jacob had brought back so many memories, I couldn't deny that with my new form came new thoughts and opinions about certain individuals. Those memories were tainted with heart wrenching bitter-sweetness when I thought of them now. And they would always be that way to me. Even the way I looked at the pack had changed. I had never noticed how much they…smelled.

But my thoughts quickly turned to lighter subjects as we drove. I was anticipating arriving in Denali with undeniable delight. I wondered how long it would take us to get there. I didn't know how long it would take any normal person to travel the distance, but I was sure with the way the Cullens drove we would be there in no time. Then I made the mistake of letting my mind wander again. I didn't keep my eye on the ball…

With an ominous, painful twist in my gut, I thought about what Sam had said. _"We'll find you and make sure you never come back." _Without thinking, I turned to Edward again, fear evident in my eyes. "Was he bluffing?" I asked, more frightful than curious, desperate to know just how safe we could consider ourselves at the moment.

Edward sighed and glanced over at me. "Who?"

"Sam." I answered quickly, unwilling to dance around a subject that required so much immediate attention. "I know you heard him too." I pressed seriously. "He threatened us. Was he bluffing?" I repeated the question a second time, as though reassuring Edward that I wasn't going to drop the concern until I had my answer.

But his beautiful, onyx eyes only returned to the road ahead as another sigh escaped him, this one defeated, letting down all defensive guard walls he had up. "Knowing Sam, I doubt it." He replied dejectedly, his velvet voice low, but then he seemed to catch the fearful spark as it flickered across my eyes and he regrouped. "But don't worry." He smiled, but I could tell it was forced. "Where we're going, they won't bother to come."

Another question bubbled to my lips before I could stop it. It seemed my nerves refused to be calmed until they were certain of all accounts. "Do they know where we're going?" I questioned, worried that they just might try despite Edward's reassurance. But he shook his head, his eyes flickering to my face momentarily as confidence suddenly swelled to life in his tone, as though he were reassuring himself as much as me. "No." he told me. "They don't."

"Will they try to follow us?" My eyes flashed anxiously to the mirror on my side again. I couldn't help but wonder, what would happen if they caught us? How far would Jacob go despite our history? Did he want to hurt _me_? I doubted it, but even if he did it didn't matter to me so much. I was worried about my family. Sam's pack was big. Not as big as the Cullen family, but still big enough to do some damage. In their animal forms they were large enough to take down an elephant.

But Edward's gentle hand on my arm soothed me. My eyes jumped back to his face. "Don't worry so much Bella." He tried to calm me, but his own voice was on edge as he spoke. His forehead was creased with obvious concern despite his efforts. I decided there was no need to upset him as well. It was clear that he was already offset by at least some degree. There was no point in pushing it further.

I relaxed my stance in the passenger's seat, letting out the long breath of cold air that I had been holding in a careless whoosh. I did it for Edward's benefit, even though I was still beyond calm myself. My mind turned to other matters. "We'll never be able to go back to Forks, will we?" It wasn't meant so much as a question. Just a sorrowful statement that needed to be confirmed. I didn't know why I felt so devastated by the fact. It wasn't as though I could see Charlie or any of the others ever again anyway, but still, something was tugging, pulling away a little painfully as we distanced ourselves from the little town, as though a part of me was being left behind. A _big _part. Who I used to be.

Edward was silent for a long moment, thinking. Finally though, he looked over at me again. "I don't know." He replied, his voice sincere. He wasn't covering up. I could tell he was verbalizing his every thought, as though it helped to do so, like writing important discoveries and developments down on a scrap of paper before you worked out the problem. "Carlisle won't want to avoid the Quileutes forever. That'll only expand the conflict. The longer we wait to reconnect with them, the more irritable they will grow. Eventually they _will _find us, whether it is a month from now or several years, and the longer we delay that event, the more they will only want to get rid of us for good." He shrugged his shoulders as he drove, as though he wasn't desperately concerned about the matter. "We've been in hiding before. It's not that big of a deal, really. But Carlisle won't run from a fight; it goes against our honor. Everything we stand for. And Rosalie will certainly want to battle it out as well…" A miniscule smile played across his perfect lips. "But it's possible this could at least buy us a little time. To strategize if nothing else."

I nodded my understanding and returned my eyes to the road head. I swallowed hard. "When will we get married?" I asked the question before I had any chance of locating its origin. I had to admit, it was certainly a strange question to be asking at such a dire time, but apparently I was itching to know. After all, the agreement had been that the change would be before the wedding, and now I was changed.

But Edward didn't seem surprised in the least. He turned his black gaze to meet mine, his features twisting into a sad and somewhat unreadable expression. "Bella," he breathed quietly as he took my hand in his, "you know how much I love you, don't you?"

I looked at him, confused. "Of course." The answer came out in a nervous whisper. Where was he going with this?

"Then maybe you'll understand." Edward seemed to be struggling for words. His mouth hardened into a stiff line and he swallowed, his eyes growing heavy with devastating sadness. It hurt just to watch it. "It's just that," he started again, "with Alice and the Quileutes as well as getting you safely to Denali…" he paused, his mind clearly scrambling for any possible way to make this sound right, "not to mention Victoria…" he couldn't finish the statement. It was too hard. Anyone could see that. He released the breath he had been holding and lowered his eyes shamefully.

Fortunately though, I anticipated what he was trying to say. Giving his hand a loving squeeze, I caught his gaze with my own again. "You think it would be best…if we put the wedding off for a while." It wasn't really a guess. I knew.

"Bella, it's not that I don't want to marry you, because believe me when I say sometimes it's all I can think about, all I can _dream _about." His words were coming out in a desperate spill, so fast that I knew no human would be able to understand. But my ears were quicker. "It's just that, circumstances being what they are…I…"

"Edward," I did my best to speak in composed, soothing tones, smiling ever so briefly, hoping it might help even though I couldn't make it reach my eyes, "it's okay. I understand." My eyes dropped the engagement ring on my left hand momentarily before they lifted again to meet Edward's saddened gaze. "The wedding isn't exactly our number one priority right now." My voice sounded convincing, but it was almost _too _convincing, like I was trying equally hard to reassure myself as much as him.

His voice lowered now, still upset but somehow calmer once he'd realized that I understood. "I'm sorry." He told me softly, his thumb caressing the back of my hand ever so gently as he held it. "I love you so much, Bella, and I promise, the minute this is all over, I'm going to make it up to you. I _am _going to marry you."

But my fingers found his lips then, silencing them with the most tender of pressures. "It's alright." I assured him, hoping I sounded more content than I felt. "You don't have to be my husband to be the love of my life. I'll never stop loving you. No matter what." When I saw the relief flicker across his distressed features, I relaxed back into the seat again and managed the smallest of smiles, lowering my eyes to my ring again. "The wedding's off." I confirmed quietly, promising him that he didn't have to worry anymore with nothing more than my gaze and my tone. He seemed to quiet then, satisfied.

I leaned my head back against the headrest for what seemed like the thousandth time since we'd started driving. I tried to focus on the smooth motion of the car around me, the comforting feeling of Edward's hand enclosing mine. I knew he wasn't going to let go. Not now. But I was okay with that. I was more than happy to hold onto him for the remainder of the drive. I closed my eyes, but it didn't take me long to realize that I couldn't sleep, no matter what I did. I was tired, but I supposed I would have to get used to the feeling. Before long I was sure I wouldn't even notice it anymore. I could feel Edward's eyes on my face and I knew what he was thinking. He was imagining to himself that I was sleeping, and he was watching me peacefully, enjoying the sight. Neither of us spoke after that. I kept my eyes closed. I was afraid that if I were to open them, he would see the disappointment in them, the sadness. I wasn't going to let him see that.


	30. Chapter 30: Denali

**Author's Note: Okay, I really apologize for the delay on this chapter. I know it was way too long to keep everybody waiting. But I'm done everything I needed to do this week now and so I'll be posting like crazy from now on. Enjoy! This is a long one!**

**Chapter 30: Denali**

It didn't take long to get to Alaska. Not even close to half as long as it would have taken to get there with a human driving. I occupied myself by watching the countryside as it whizzed by, becoming more and more breath taking with every bend in the highway, accelerating into a mountainous landscape so beautiful that one would only expect to find it on a canvas. I was surprised though, to find that Alaska wasn't all snow and ice as it was depicted so vividly in movies and magazines. It was summer here and, not unlike Forks, there was a lot of green. The temperature seemed to be only slightly lower than that of what we were used to from what I could feel in the car and, although it was overcast, the sun managed to peek out from miniscule faults in the clouds here and there, sending shafts of sunlight streaming across the gray sky and down on the glorious landscape. This only added to the sheer beauty of it all.

I could smell pine, cedar, oak, and just about every tree one could imagine as I stared at it out the car window. "Oh, Edward." I found myself whispering almost involuntarily as I fixed my eyes on the road ahead. When I finally managed to interpret my own words, I turned to look at him. He was smiling a glorious crooked smile at me from across the front seat. This was something I had missed to an indescribable extent over the last little while. It was even more beautiful than the land around us. I couldn't take my eyes off of it.

Finally though, he dragged his eyes away from mine, still smiling as he scanned the scenery himself for the first time. "It's really something, isn't it?" He remarked, his voice colored with an admirable sigh. Then he turned his eyes back to me. "I think you're really going to like it here."

I grinned now and sighed as well, my eyes searching for the perfect spot on the horizon to rest. It couldn't find it. It was all so wonderful. "I think I'm going to _love_ it here." I countered in a low voice. It would be difficult to forget Forks, and I knew that I probably never would completely. Even though I also knew that the memories of vampires concerning the time that they were human tended to fade over time, I was confident that a part of me would always remember Forks. Maybe we would go back there someday. I comforted myself with this notion for a long minute. After all, Edward had said that Carlisle wouldn't run from a fight for long, and if everything turned out, once all this was finally over and everything settled back to normal, perhaps we _could _go back. I had grown a great deal more attached to Forks than I ever thought I could and, although this place was…beautiful beyond comprehension, there was a part of me that would miss home.

"I think you'll really like Tanya and her family too." Edward's velvet voice startled me from my thoughts. "They're a really wonderful clan, you know. They've taken us into their home countless times over the years. Any of us. Whenever we needed it."

I smiled back at him, remembering the stories. "I know." I replied in a low, thoughtful voice. Then, a curiosity bubbled forth before I could stop it. "How old is Tanya?" I wondered aloud, turning my ruby eyes on Edward inquisitively.

He sighed and raised his eyebrows as he answered, as though even he was still amazed by the reply he already knew. "She, Kate _and _Irina were all born in 1005." He told me, turning his black eyes on me afterwards to gauge my reaction.

I stared at him, mystified. "1005?" I repeated, disbelief coloring my tone when I finally managed to find my voice again. "So that would make her…" My voice trailed off as I quickly realized the answer.

"One thousand and two years old." Edward finished for me, nodding his agreement with my amazement. Then he laughed, a light, musical sound that, for the longest time, I never thought I would hear again. "She makes Carlisle look like an unworthy youngster."

I didn't laugh at this. I didn't find it funny, as he did. It was mind-boggling. To think that there is someone walking the planet that was here over a millennium ago. Was it even possible? It didn't seem like it. I couldn't grasp the concept in the least. The things she must have seen…war, torture, disease. I wondered momentarily if it ever bothered her that, being of course unable to die by normal means, she'd lived through it all. Centuries of watching people suffer. Then again, I supposed she must have seen some really incredible things as well. The development of modern society, modern medicine, the seven wonders of the world. All at once I couldn't wait to have a heart-to-heart with her. I felt like am obsessed fan that was finally getting to meet their idol. Of course, I couldn't forget that I was only a mere, insignificant eighteen. Eighteen. What was that to her? Nothing. Would she even _want _to talk to me? Should I be intimidated? Questions began racing through my mind faster than I could count them, let alone answer them. I could feel the anxiety blasting in my eyes.

"Are you alright?" Edward asked me finally, jolting me fiercely from my thoughts for the second time. I forced my eyes up to meet his and met nothing more or less than genuine concern for me. Nodding my head quickly, I pushed my hair back over the top of my head with one hand, hastily rearranging my features as I did so in an attempt to clear my mind. To my surprise, it was harder than it should have been. I felt dizzy. "Yes." I replied quickly. "Yes, I'm fine." Then, as I caught the skeptical gaze emitting from Edward's dark eyes, I continued. "Just a little tired." I assured him. "But really, I'm fine."

The worry lines in his perfect, marble forehead didn't fade however, as he looked at me. His eyes lingered on me for a long moment and finally, he sighed, turning his gaze to face the windshield again as he squeezed my hand meaningfully. "Tell you what." He murmured quietly, his voice strained with concern. "Once we get to Tanya's and we're settled in, I'll take you hunting."

The dread must have been evident on my face, because he pressed on immediately. "Don't worry." He told me. "It's perfectly safe. There isn't a town around her place for miles. It'll just be us and the mountains. Promise." He managed the smallest of smiles as he looked at me again. "I won't let anything happen to you."

I felt an odd surge of emotion at hearing this. It reminded me of what things used to be like, when I was human. He used to say that all the time. It always made me feel strangely comforted, as though I never had anything to fear as long as he was with me. I was glad I still felt that way. For a while I had been concerned that we'd lost some things from that time. It seemed so long ago now…

"We're here." Edward's voice cut through my thoughts yet again. This irritated me. Why was I drifting off so much all of a sudden? It was as though I couldn't keep my mind in one reasonable place for more than a few seconds. It was almost frightening how little control I had. What was happening to me? What could possibly be going so horribly wrong that I couldn't keep my own thoughts in check? Then I realized that this was what being thirsty must feel like. Edward had once told me that vampires couldn't starve themselves to death, but the longer they put off feeding, the weaker their minds and bodies would get. This made sense. I could understand the feeling well now.

Glancing out the windshield for a long moment, I scanned the trees ahead with my excessively sharpened vision. But no matter how much I looked, that was all I saw. Trees. It reminded me of the path leading off into the woods toward the meadow in Forks. The road came to an end here and Edward parked the car next to Carlisle's car and the Jeep in the gravel. I continued to stare at it. I knew we were up in the mountains somewhere, but I'd expected there to be a house…or _something._

I opened my mouth to ask a question, but before I could force a word across my lips, Edward was on my side of the car, opening the passenger's side door for me. This whole slow-mind thing was really starting to get frustrating. "We'll have to ride from here." Edward muttered as he closed the car door behind me, a tone of apology evident in his smooth voice. I felt old, human nerves itch around the edges of my conscience. I wanted to say something. Ask a question. But I found myself oddly speech-bound as I struggled to open my mouth. He was right. It seemed to be getting worse by the second. Thirst dominated my thoughts.

Then I saw the bikes parked expectantly at the tree line. For a moment, I felt an ominous blast of fear surge through me at the memory that followed, but then I remembered the difference between that time and this time and I calmed down considerably. Parked freely at the edge of the forest were seven, deep green motorcycles, painted, no doubt, to be indiscernible amongst the foliage of the woods. They weren't so much motorcycles though, as they were dirt bikes: bush-going vehicles. Emmett, Rosalie, Carlisle, Esme and Jasper had already mounted theirs.

"Would you rather ride with me?" Edward whispered in my ear as we approached the vehicles, his fingers finding mine at my side again. "We can have someone come back and get the other bike." He offered kindly. I thought about this. As much as I liked the idea of riding behind Edward, the cool breeze combing my hair as I wrapped my arms around his waist and held myself against him, I liked the idea of being independent more. I couldn't always be the poor, helpless little Swan girl to them. I didn't need to be protected anymore. I had to embrace that.

"That's alright." I shook my head briefly as I grasped the handlebars of one of the remaining bikes.

Edward raised one eyebrow skeptically, grasping the bike himself to hold it up for me as I climbed aboard. "Are you sure?" He asked, uncertain.

I nodded. "Yeah." I replied, hoping I sounded more confident than I felt. "It's fine. Jacob taught me how to ride once while you were away." I ignored the resentful look that flashed across Edward's dark eyes as I spoke, but he did seem genuinely glad that I thought I could do it on my own, even if he was a little surprised. It was only then that I realized there were no helmets waiting for us as well. _Marvelous. _I knew it was a pointless fear, to be concerned about smacking my head off of something, especially now, but it was still there. A lingering human precept perhaps.

"Okay…" Edward's voice was hesitant as he took a step back from me, still unsure. I heard the others kick start their bikes and rev the engines meaningfully, impatient. "Alright." Edward's tone took on a business-like manner now as he leaned over me, positioning himself over the handlebars and preparing to show me what it was exactly that I needed to do. "See this?" He gestured to the clutch on one of the handlebars. I already knew what it was. "This is your clutch. You want to hold onto that like…" but I wasn't listening. Without waiting for further instructions, I grasped what I remembered to be a grenade tightly and brought my foot down hard on the pedal. The engine caught on the first try and roared to life beneath me.

Slowly, I eased off of the clutch at a careful pace until the gear caught and carried me forward gracefully, following the others into the trees. I knew Edward was staring after me, no doubt shocked at my knowledgeable expertise, but I wasn't bothered by it. In fact, I had to work to suppress a smile. I liked that I could impress Edward now. It brought a wave of satisfaction coursing through me unexpectedly and I thought that perhaps it had something to do with the countless times he'd amazed me in the beginning of our relationship. Now it was my turn.

I knew though, that if I were still human, there never would have been a chance of that working. I wouldn't have been anywhere near strong enough to kick-start the bike myself on the first try and I probably would have fallen as well after it started moving. But I had much more control now. It felt good.

Edward was at my side in seconds, the wind rippling his auburn, disheveled hair as he rode next to me, smiling across the space that separated us and winking when I smiled in return. "Impressed?" I didn't bother shouting over the roar of the bikes. I knew he could hear me. He laughed. "Floored." He replied, an amazed smile still dancing delightedly across his beautiful features. I wished I could have kissed him then. I made a mental note to myself to do it later. It seemed like forever since we'd kissed… and I couldn't help but be reminded of the last time I was on the back of a motorcycle. I had been trying to hear his voice…the memory sent a ripple of anguish coursing in my veins with the sudden build-up of venom. Had I really been _that _desperate for just a word or two? It seemed hard to imagine, but I still remembered it well. And now he was here, with me. I had never felt so lucky in my life.

We rode for little more than a half hour. It must have been a hike that would take humans hours to walk, maybe days. But we traveled quickly, leaping roots and dodging trees effortlessly, as though they didn't exist. The speed and ease of it all was exhilarating. The breeze felt colder as we climbed higher into the elevation of the mountains. It didn't bother me as it would have a person, but I could definitely detect the abrupt drop in temperature. The plants here were still very green, but they were different, more hardy-looking. They were things like evergreens and thick foliage. The ground felt harder under our tires.

Before long we emerged out into a clearing of sorts. It looked more like a large farmer's field than anything, and at the center of it was the most magnificent house I was sure I had ever seen. Was it even called a house? It looked more along the lines of a palace. It must have been four or five stories high. Windows virtually littered the sides of it. There must have been hundreds of them. And it was white. Not a soft white like the Cullens' house had been. It was a hard, icy white that indicated majesty against the darkened sky. I didn't have to ask where we were. This was Tanya's house.

And then I saw her. I was able to make out her slender form from across the field as we approached. She couldn't have been much taller than me. She was only an inch or two taller than Esme. She was pale, just like any one of us, although it wasn't as evident. She was fair-skinned, but the bruise-like circles under her eyes were minimized and barely noticeable. I supposed this came from indefinite access to food. She was never thirsty.

As we drew closer I noted that her eyes were the most radiant shade of gold I had ever seen on a vampire. She looked…healthy. Immensely so. Her hair hung straight to the middle of her back, and strawberry-blond, a hint of read tinting it in the brief shafts of sunlight she stepped into. She looked to be in her early twenties, probably about the same age as Carlisle – humanly speaking. It was her breath-taking appearance that caught my attention the most. She was beautiful…indescribably so. Her features looked as though they couldn't have been sculpted by even the most skilled of artists. She overruled the most desirable of supermodels. I supposed that perhaps this was something that came with age among vampires. She didn't look like the Volturi. They were glorious in their own way, but their appearance took on a fearful, almost gothic atmosphere where as Tanya looked warm almost, and wonderfully friendly.

She approached us as we slowed our bikes and I noted for the first time that the other four were there as well, leaning behind her on the ancient-looking, golden railing of the porch. I nearly started at the very sight of them. These were vampires that put even Rosalie to shame. If I were still human, I probably would have turned around right there and not even bothered to show my face in their presence. Even now I felt impossibly shadowed by them simply being there.

Carlisle killed the motor to his bike and dismounted, bracing it against the kickstand in the frozen dirt before he scooped Tanya up in his arms, embracing her with an exuberance that I had never seen from him before. "Tanya." His voice was somewhat choked as he whispered her name. I could see her smiling from over his shoulder. "It's so good to see you." He dropped her back to her feet and looked down into her impossibly perfect face, still smiling uncontrollably as he continued to hold her hands in his. "Thank you so much for this." He murmured so low that I almost didn't hear from where I stood. "I can't tell you how much we appreciate it."

Tanya shook her head dismissively, causing her silk-like, red-gold hair to ripple in a way not even those ridiculous commercials for hair products could manage. "Carlisle, you know you are always more than welcome in our home." Her voice tolled like a perfectly tuned church bell, causing the hair on the back of my neck to rise as I heard it. There was the slightest hint of an accent there that I couldn't quite identify. We all got off our bikes then.

Esme embraced her next, kissing both of her cheeks delightedly in greeting before she thanked her again after her husband. Tanya placed one, perfect, pale hand on Esme's cheek and smiled meaningfully into her sweet face. "Esme." She murmured, her voice still tolling brilliantly as she maintained that glorious smile. "Dear, sweet Esme. It's been too long."

As I watched, Esme grinned a little broader and nodded in obvious agreement. "I've missed you too, dear." She replied, stepping back finally so the leader of this strange coven could examine us, the children. Rosalie stood in front of us, so Tanya reached her first and I was startled to see a gleeful smile cross Rosalie's lips as she looked at their old friend. It was clear Tanya had touched all of their lives…even the ones who seemed untouchable.

The old, beautiful vampire fingered a lock of Rosalie's golden hair for a moment, her eyes drinking her in before embracing her too. "Oh, Rose." She half-whispered as she hugged her. "Still the loveliest young lady this side of the Atlantic." Then her eyes opened again and they found me. I froze. "Oh." She didn't sound startled as she released Rosalie. Hardly even surprised. But certainly intrigued. "Although it looks like this one could certainly give you a run for your money. Hello, sweetheart."

I lost my voice completely. I couldn't find my tongue. I thought maybe my mouth was hanging open but I couldn't be sure. I didn't deserve to talk to someone like Tanya! And I certainly didn't deserve to be considered pretty by her by any means! I didn't know what to say. I thought I might be blushing furiously at the moment if I still had a working heart to pump blood into my cheeks. But I didn't.

Clearly noting my current state of health and mind, Edward, encircled my waist comfortingly with one arm, holding me tightly against his right side as he spoke. "Tanya, this is Bella Swan. She joined up with us very, _very _recently."

Edward's voice soothed me and I finally found enough reason to close my mouth and smile the smallest of greetings.

"Ah." Tanya seemed happy about this. Her welcoming smile grew. "A young one." Her vibrant eyes took me in for a long moment. "Bella." She repeated after she'd finished thinking. "That's a beautiful name. Is it short for something?"

I started at the knowledge that this woman was asking me a direct question. That meant I had to answer, didn't it? To my surprise though, I found my voice almost involuntarily before I had a chance to panic. I spoke quickly, eager to lull back into the safety of silence. "Isabella." I answered sheepishly. "But most people just call me Bella."

Tanya beamed. "Do you know what Bella means in Italian, sweetheart?"

My mouth fell open again. I was getting more comfortable speaking with her, but it was still difficult. I couldn't help but feel intimidated, as friendly as she was. I knew the answer to this. I knew that. But all at once I couldn't remember. So I simply shook my head.

"It means beauty." She told me in the softest of bell tones.

I felt Edward kiss my hair, his lips curved up into a meaningful smile at Tanya's words. I didn't know what to say to this. I could think of no reply that would sound right enough. Nothing seemed appropriate. Fortunately though, Tanya moved on to Edward then, her tone becoming suddenly casual as she spoke to him, as though she knew him too well to bother with formal greetings.

"And you!" She exclaimed suddenly, her voice still sounding perfect even as it jumped up an octave. She slapped him playfully across the shoulder. "Look at that handsome smile! The last time I saw you, I thought you'd _forgotten _how to smile!"

My memory wandered a bit then and my eyes strayed up to Edward's face. He was still smiling, although it had turned to a smile out of nothing but politeness and the meaning dropped from his eyes. I knew that he knew I was looking at him, but he avoided my gaze. His arm tightened purposefully around my waist.

Tanya seemed to notice this, but she simply laughed, placing one hand on the side of Edward's face as she spoke again. "Well, it's good to see you smile again." She remarked, her eyes flickering momentarily to me as a reference. She was putting the picture together. "And you're still as handsome a young buck as ever."

Edward rolled his eyes now, his muscles dropping the tension they held as he laughed. Tanya saw Emmett then and civilized conversation seemed to drop out of existence. She grinned more broadly than she had before and Emmett crushed her in a giant bear hug, picking her up easily as he did so. "Oh, Emmett!" She squealed as he twirled her in a tight circle and then placed her back on her feet. She only had one more to say hello to after that. Jasper's greeting was more withdrawn, reserved. He just barely smiled.

Tanya still beamed as she hugged him though before she turned around to face the rest of us, her eyes searching for one more. She didn't find her. "Where's Alice?" She asked light-heartedly, still laughing slightly from Emmett's enthusiastic welcome. That's when I realized what had happened. Carlisle hadn't told her a thing yet. She hadn't even known I was coming. The seventh bike was meant for Alice, not me. I felt a painful stab of guilt at this.

No one spoke for a long moment and finally Carlisle was the one to explain. The others had already said hello to everyone else. But I supposed I would have to meet the rest of Tanya's family later.

"Uh, Tanya," Carlisle's hand went to his hair and he scratched at the back of his head anxiously, "we ran into some trouble a little ways back."

I let my gaze drop to the ground with the rest of the family's. Tanya seemed to sense the change in mood immediately, but she maintained the hospitable smile as she replied. "Well, why don't you come inside and tell us about it?" Her hand found Carlisle's shoulder and she smiled encouragingly up into his face. "My you look like a thirty bunch." She added pointedly as an afterthought. "What do you say after we get reacquainted, we head out for some lunch?"

I decided not to think about the play on the word 'lunch'. The thought of it still nauseated me, even if only slightly. But Carlisle nodded now. "Sounds wonderful." He replied, forcing a lighter tone on the group as we turned to follow her and her family inside.


	31. Chapter 31: Hunting Trip

**Chapter 31: Hunting Trip**

"Tanya, will you excuse me for a moment?" Carlisle inquired politely once we were inside. "I just have to make a quick call."

Hearing this, my eyes shot up to Edward's next to me and he grinned, nodding once in confirmation. This look was easily interpreted: _see? _He was saying to me. _I told you Carlisle knew what he was doing. _I beamed back up at him and turned to watch as Carlisle drew the tiny, silver phone from his back pocket. Tanya waved one hand dismissively and nodded. "Of course." She replied good-naturedly. "Take as much time as you need."

Nodding and smiling his thanks, Carlisle left the room then, leaving us to inspect our new home. The double, front doors looked to be made of some sort of grandly finished wood. Oak maybe. They were dark in color and swung widely open into what looked to be the living room. It _seemed _just like any other person's living room, but it was _huge. _There was an open fireplace on one wall that looked as though it must have been a hundred years old, if not more, and it was as tall and wide as one of my bedroom walls at home.

The room was beautifully carpeted and in the off-center of it – perfectly positioned out of the way but noticeable and accessible for social events – was a huge, grand piano, not unlike the one the Cullens had had in their house. Only this one was deep mahogany in color instead of black, matching the feel of warmth that the room so eloquently passed off to every inhabitant. There were three full-sized couches, two love seats and three armchairs as well, all positioned in a large circle in the center of the room, perfect for visiting. It was all beautiful.

The kitchen was to the left, I knew, even though no one ever used it. I could tell by the floor tiles that were peeking out from the large, open doorway that led into it. And it looked as though if you continued straight ahead, you would come to an immense, spiraling staircase that led up to the bedrooms.

Just then however, my inspecting was interrupted by a soft, barely-audible voice emitting from behind me. I wouldn't have even known I was the one being spoken to if I hadn't heard my name. "Bella?" I turned, bulking slightly in Edward's arms when I realized it was another of Tanya's clan that had called my attention. _Crap._ As lovely and hospitable as they all were, I could just barely think straight at the moment, let alone converse with five of the most glorious specimens on the planet. Still, I tried to be as polite and as appreciative as possible.

"Yes?" I asked when the young woman standing before me didn't continue. She looked to be almost exactly the same age as Tanya, if not right on the nose. But she was taller than her and built like a stick from head to toe. Still a good several inches taller than me, she must have weighed ten pounds less. Her hair was pale blond – almost white – and hung in a loose, delicate braid that reached her waist. But as pale as her hair was, her skin was even paler, giving her the look of someone who'd never seen sunlight in her lifetime. But she was still indescribably and unbelievably beautiful. Her eyes stood out especially, like those of a deer, wide and innocent.

"We didn't get a chance to introduce ourselves outside." She continued cautiously, her voice still impossibly soft. No human would have even heard it, I was sure. I noted that the other three stood behind her as well, waiting for their chance to say hello. I had to stop myself before I sank to the floor out of exhaustion. Although I did note that I was relying most of my small weight on Edward's strong, hard arms, which still trapped my waist securely between them.

"I'm Kate." The impossibly delicate-looking vampire offered me her right hand in greeting. I shook it. She then turned to one side just enough to include her three family members behind her in the conversation. "This is Irina," she gestured to the ruggedly beautiful redhead that stood on her immediate left, "Carmen," – she looked to be the tallest of the bunch, with waves upon waves of the blackest shade of hair that also reached her waist. And although the undertone of her skin was pale and colorless, her complexion was dark, clearly naturally born so. It wasn't difficult to figure out her nationality simply by looking at her. Only a Spanish woman could be so strikingly beautiful in that tall, dark manner.

"…And Eleazar." Kate gestured to the last of her family members who stood furthest from her side. He too, I noted, was dark-skinned and dark-haired. Clearly, he ran in the same circles as Carmen. He was only slightly shorter than her, and sported a small, tasteful goatee, not to mention a tiny, gold hoop-earring. I found myself wondering, momentarily if he'd done that before or after he became a vampire. If he'd done it before, I would have expected the body to close it up during the change, but it seemed impossible to pierce it after…I decided it was a mystery I would have to look into later.

"Hello." I nodded, smiling politely as I shook each of their hands. When I pulled back, I gestured around me at the magnificent living room we were standing in. "You have a lovely home." I chimed democratically, supposing it would be best for me to show my appreciation for the stay.

Carmen was the one who spoke next. "Thank you." She replied with the undertone of a Spanish lilt to her voice. This made her seem even more beautiful. "We really do hope you enjoy staying here."

"How strange…" Eleazar's voice cut into the conversation thoughtfully and I turned me eyes on him, questioning. He was staring at me intently, as though looking for something he was failing to find for the first time. He looked…confused. I shrunk back slightly, pressing my back to Edward's chest when he stood in the way. I heard him laugh behind me, sending delightful vibrations up my spine. "Don't get too discouraged, Eleazar." He chuckled as he looked at him. "She's done that to the best of us."

My eyes shot up to Edward's now as I tilted my head back to look at him. He was smiling and he winked down at me. That's when I realized what I'd missed. I'd forgotten. I was…immune somehow to some vampire-induced gifts. This seemed to perplex the others somewhat, but they remained perfectly hospitable to me just the same.

"Alright, alright. Don't pester the poor girl." A new voice. New, but familiar, like bells. Tanya appeared in the little circle and the others dispelled, branching off to speak to the rest of the Cullens. It was clear who was the boss around here.

Tanya placed both hands on my shoulders and looked warmly into my eyes. "Sweetheart," she half-whispered carefully in a way that your grandmother might when she was concerned for your health, "you look terribly tired. You need to hunt."

Again, I had to swallow the nervous lump in my throat that rose with every mention of doing what vampires did best. I was going to have to get used to the idea if I was going to perform it. So I nodded.

Tanya smiled a little wider and opened her mouth to say something more, but, just as she did so, Carlisle's voice boomed from the other room, suddenly loud enough for us all to overhear. "_What do you mean 'she's gone'!?_" He was still on the phone. "Where is she?" There was a brief pause. "You don't _know_!?"

I felt Edward's arms tighten around my waist and the room fell silent, everyone listening only half-intentionally to Carlisle's conversation. Finally though, he sighed seemingly in defeat after a longer stretch of silence. "Fine, fine…no. If it's all the same to you, I would rather you didn't further involve yourselves…yes…fine." There was the sound of a phone being snapped shut and Carlisle appeared in the doorway to the kitchen, where he had been speaking to whomever had been on the other line.

For a moment he said nothing, but he quickly caught sight of the numerous pairs of eyes that were trained on him and he sighed. He looked directly at Jasper as he spoke. "Alice is gone." He informed us, his tone colored with a dangerous amount of remorse.

Esme was at his side in seconds then, her motherly eyes wide with questioning concern. Carlisle sighed a second time and looked down at his wife then. "She ran away. They lost her trail not too far out of the boundaries of Volterra."

"Why would she run away?" Jasper thundered before any of us could register the new information. Carlisle gazed over at him again then, his dark eyes filled to the brim with regret. "I don't know, Jasper." He told his son calmly. "I called to tell them to release her and they told me she was gone."

"They're lying!" Jasper's answering response was so fast and loud that none of us had a chance of saying anything else. We barely had time to think between the points of conversation. "They're lying, Carlisle! Don't you understand? They think she's useful! They want her for themselves!"

But Carlisle shook his blond head now, quieting his son even if only slightly. "The Volturi don't lie." He assured him softly. "They get things done at any cost, but they don't lie. And even if they were," he added pointedly, "Alice would still be able to get away. She's smart." He was silent for a long moment then, thoughtful as the mood sank a little further. "And she has too much self-respect to stay with them." He reminded everyone now, not only Jasper. "We can all testify to that. She's probably on her way to find us right now."

A hopeful glint suddenly crossed Esme's eyes as she looked up at her husband. "Do you think so?" She confirmed, her voice trembling with concern for her daughter. "Will she know where to find us?"

Carlisle nodded, thoughtful again. "I expect that she does." He told her gently. "And if not, she'll figure it out soon enough. My guess is, it won't be long until we're seeing her now."

Now the very atmosphere in the room took a significant shift. Smiles broke out and even Jasper looked more hopeful after he weighed the possibilities for a long minute. I felt Edward breathe a sigh of relief behind me and I rested my head back against him, closing my eyes wearily. When I opened them again I glanced across the room to see Carlisle holding Esme's petite frame in his arms, pressing his lips to her hair as he comforted her with words I couldn't hear from where I stood. I felt a strange surge of emotion as I watched this. I couldn't remember ever seeing Carlisle and Esme publicly displaying affection before. It was sort of strange, but also comforting. It meant I was more a part of this family than ever.

"You'll have to forgive us, Tanya." Esme turned from her husband's arms after a long moment and looked at our host apologetically. "Our dear Bella here was human not too long ago and the Volturi ordered that we change her." Esme's eyes flickered to me for a moment, but her expression wasn't blaming in the least. In fact she was smiling at me kindly.

Tanya raised both of her perfectly shaped eyebrows. "The Volturi?" She repeated, clearly astounded. "That sounds serious."

Esme nodded. "It was." She agreed. "We had an…incident back in Forks and they took Alice as collateral until Bella was changed."

Tanya's hand went to her throat then. "Oh my." She murmured more to herself than anyone. But then she seemed to weigh out the situation as she thought, finally deciding that it wasn't worth fussing over too much. "Well," she breathed, her bell-like voice airy as she placed a consoling hand on Esme's small shoulder, "Carlisle's right." She told her. "Alice is a brilliant girl. I'm sure she'll find her way back to us in no time."

Esme smiled. "Yes." She agreed. "I'm sure she will." But then she looked thoughtful again and her face fell, her smile replaced by worry lines on her marble forehead. "Tanya," she murmured quietly, "there is something you need to know before you let us stay here." She paused for a long moment and Tanya waited patiently, her expression indifferent to Esme's answer. She was still smiling.

"We had a bit of a run in with the Quileute werewolves." Esme blurted the words out quickly. "They're tracking us as we speak and, although I'm quite sure they won't be able to find us here, you should be aware of the possibility that you're all in danger as long as you're with us." Esme stopped there, satisfied that she'd gotten everything off of her chest. To my surprise though, Tanya didn't look alarmed in the least. In fact the only one of them who even displayed an inkling of the appropriate reaction was Eleazar. "Wolves?" He asked curiously, although he was still astonishingly calm.

Tanya ignored him. "How many?" She asked, more intrigued than wary.

Esme sighed again. "Five."

If Tanya looked indifferent before, now she looked utterly and completely careless. She almost looked like she was rooting for the Quileutes. She shrugged impartially and even went as far as to laugh a little. "Esme, darling," she breathed between giggles when the mother Cullen looked startled by her friend's reaction, "there are twelve of us. Besides, the chances of them finding us up here in the mountains has to be one in billions." She grinned now, comforting all of us with the new notion. "Now," she began again, glancing around the room at us with sudden delight, "who's hungry?"

"Are you sure you know where you're going?" I demanded for what seemed like the thousandth time as I followed Edward through the dense trees of the surrounding forest. It felt as though we had been walking for hours and I had long since lost any perception of which direction we were headed or where we could possibly be. Everything looked different…and exactly the same. Trees. Rocks. Trees. Rocks. Clearing. Trees. Rocks. Glancing around, I could see no sign of the house anymore, or even anything remotely familiar. We had branched off from the group long ago. Edward had insisted on taking me himself for my first time and so the two of us had headed in a completely different direction from Tanya and the others.

Out here the thirst that bound me felt very different. Like I could relieve it if I knew how. But I didn't. I couldn't smell anything particularly appetizing. Just pine and wood. A rock-bound substance every now and then if it was strong enough. I saw no animals either. Not even birds. My eyes could pick up the tiniest of plants in the distance, but no animals. Every now and then I could hear a twig snap, but other than that the forest was silent. I wondered if Edward was picking up something I wasn't. That certainly seemed like a possibility. I was very weak after all. I could barely think at all anymore. Let alone think straight. I felt far too humanly clumsy too. Edward had to help me over the tiniest of twigs and boulders. Now I understood the need to drink. I didn't feel in control anymore. I felt like I was…human. This sent a furious cascade of chills through my bones as I thought it.

"Bella," Edward's musical laugh brought me back to the situation at hand, "have I ever led you astray?" He turned his gorgeous eyes back on me for a long moment, questioning. I could only manage the smallest of smiles, trying to ignore the meek trembling that was ripping involuntarily through my hands and legs. All too suddenly, I realized that I wouldn't be able to keep this up for much longer.

Edward continued on ahead, smirking at my silent reply. I tried to follow him, but for reasons I could not fathom with my steadily fading mind, I was unable to move my feet from their spot in the earth. I felt as though if I lifted one leg to take a step, my other leg wouldn't be able to support my weight. I would fall. I couldn't remember ever seeing the Cullens this thirsty before, but, then again, I supposed in the beginning the thirst was much stronger…too strong to be ignored. It was an entirely different feeling than I had ever experienced before as a human. It wasn't at all like being hungry for a burger or thirsty for iced tea or water. No. Those were urges that didn't possess the dire need to be tended to. Those _could _be ignored for a while if need be. This couldn't.

I supposed it was something like having to find a bathroom too suddenly. Although it couldn't be relieved in as simple of manners. And it was a thousand times stronger.

"Edward." I moaned it so low that for a moment I couldn't be certain if he heard me as I stood there, rooted to the spot, probably swaying a little. Everything felt heavy. I couldn't think. I could just barely speak. But I didn't want to move. The desire was only to rest. Even my eyelids felt heavy, my head swimming.

"Bella." His voice was there, so close to my ear as his hard arms encircled my frame. He sounded alarmed. Concerned. I didn't even see him approach. This had come on far too suddenly. I'd felt weak before, but now I felt as though I were having a stroke. "Edward." It was all I could force from my lips. I couldn't think of anything else. I forgot my entire vocabulary except for his name. Then I lost it completely. My cool breath escaped me in an icy whoosh and the shaking in my muscles ceased, only to leave me with no strength in them at all. Dizziness overtook me. I collapsed.

"Bella! _Bella_!" Edward held onto me as I fell, supporting my weight as he lowered me gently to the ground. Resting me carefully in the pine needles that littered the soil, he placed one hand tenderly on the side of my face before moving it up to my forehead, feeling my skin. His other hand was there too, covering my left ear. I could only open my eyes a tiny sliver, but it was enough to see his face. It was panicked. I knew just as well as he that there was no point in panicking. I wasn't going to die. But I supposed he had spent too long worrying about me. It was a natural instinct now.

"Oh, I shouldn't have waited so long to feed you." He murmured more to himself than me as he knelt on the ground next to me. His black eyes were frantic as he lifted them too look around, examining my surroundings as though deciding how safe they were. Finally, he let out the breath he had been holding and looked at me seriously. I could tell just by his eyes that he didn't like what he was about to do. "Bella, I'm going to have to leave you." He told me, his voice the definition of regret. "I won't be long. I promise I'll be right back, okay? Do you understand?"

It took a moment to register what he was telling me. When it finally did, I nodded an answer so slight that it could have been nothing more than a shudder. But he seemed to understand. His lips came down very briefly on my forehead and then again on the bridge of my cheekbone. "I love you." He whispered as he got to his feet with astonishing speed. "I'll be right back." Then he was gone, leaving me alone on the forest floor. I tried not to think about the last time this had happened. _That was different_, I tried my best to assure myself, even though I could just barely decipher my own thoughts, _this time he _is _coming back. He said he would be right back._

Still, I couldn't help but let the slightest edge of panic creep into me at the memories that found me then. I listened to the sounds of the forest and prayed the next thing to find me again would be Edward.

But then he was there. He hadn't been long at all. It could only have been a matter of minutes that he was gone. I knew it was he from the smell, even though I didn't open my eyes. I would know that smell anywhere, not like any other man's smell, different from the most expensive cologne. I would have smiled if I could only work up the energy. But there was something else as well…something…new…something…

My eyes snapped open and suddenly I had more energy than I would have thought possible. He dropped the dear he was dragging at my side. It was dead, I could see that, and I didn't like looking at it, but then the thirst took over.


	32. Chapter 32: Memories

**Chapter 32: Memories**

"Feeling better?" Edward's velvety-soft voice whispered in my ear as we lay there on the forest floor, my ear over his heart as I rested my head and hand on his chest. I lay with my eyes closed, drinking in the feeling of him there with me. I moaned audibly and nodded, causing my hair to ruffle against his shirt. "I'm glad." He murmured in a soft voice barely above a whisper.

I _was _feeling better. I felt like smiling until the end of the world. I felt like…_laughing. _It was almost like getting drunk, although I was still fully aware and actually _more _balanced instead of less. I felt like I suddenly had more energy than I could ever need. Like I would never be sick again. I supposed I understood now why Edward was always in a better mood after he went hunting. He was lighter, friendlier, and warmer. We were both feeling that way now, after feeding. It was euphoric. Like ecstasy. I felt as though I could lie there forever, in his arms, and at the same time I felt like I could run a marathon. I didn't know what to do. It was wonderful.

The deer carcass was gone now. Edward had been courteous enough to get rid of it once we were finished. As much as I marveled over its blood, I still hated looking at it. It only seemed to accuse me of being what I was, but I didn't care anymore. I couldn't care about anything now.

"Are _you _okay?" I asked him suddenly though, curious as to how that must have looked to him. But he didn't seem to understand the question. He looked down at me, raising one perfect eyebrow quizzically. "What do you mean?" He asked, perplexed.

I didn't hesitate in my reply. "You just watched me go Count Dracula on an innocent woodland creature!" I exclaimed, tilting my head back to look up at him seriously. I had to be honest with myself, that couldn't have been pretty. But, to my surprise, Edward laughed. "_You _just watched _me _go Count Dracula on an innocent woodland creature." He reminded me smartly.

I raised my eyebrows pointedly. "I wasn't watching you." I told him, recalling my blackout state of ravenous thirst. I probably wouldn't have even known he was there. I could see now why he didn't want me around when he used to hunt when I was human.

"Well, maybe _I _wasn't watching _you _either." He suggested, but I saw straight through his mask of shame.

"_Were _you?" I demanded, suddenly mortified, but he looked to be suppressing a smile. "I'm not telling."

"You're terrible!" I sat bolt upright now in the dirt, brushing the pine needles from my hair as I looked down at him, still lying coolly on his back. But now his expression changed somehow. The smile faded from his perfect features and he gazed up at me through new eyes. Despairing eyes. "Do you really believe that?" He inquired, suddenly serious.

I frowned. "Believe what?" I returned the question, confused.

He sighed and turned his golden eyes to the treetops above. "That I'm terrible."

For a moment I thought he was joking. I thought briefly about laughing. Then I caught the look on his face and my spirits leveled themselves off again. I placed one hand on the ground on the opposite side of his body from me so I was leaning over him, my hair grazing one side of his face. "How can you even ask that question?" I muttered, my voice so soft that only he would be able to hear if there had been others around.

He sighed again and turned his eyes on mine, lowering his voice as well. "You do realize what I've done to you, don't you?"

I rocked back on my knees, settling into a wary position not so close to him. What was he trying to say? I braced myself for impact. I should have known this was going to happen. I should have known that sooner or later he was going to realize what he was in love with and set the record straight. I knew it. After all this he was going to finally come to his senses.

"Bella," his gentle voice called my eyes back to his face, "what's the matter?"

I released the cool breath I had been holding then and trained my eyes on the ground beneath my knees. "Is that why you've been so quiet lately?" I murmured, still not looking up as I came to the terrible conclusion. "You don't want me anymore?"

"Bella!" He sat up now as well, positioning both hands on either side of my face in a gesture so urgent that it was almost rough. "No!" He exclaimed, his beautiful eyes forcing themselves upon mine. "No! That's not it at all! How can you think that?" Then he quieted for a moment and his lips fell onto the tip of my nose ever so briefly, the pressure more soft than I had ever felt it. His voice was quiet when he spoke again. "After all the thousands of times that I've told you I love you, how can you possibly be so insecure?"

I was silent now. I couldn't think of an answer to that. So I altered my tactics. "What is it then?" I asked, my voice careful. Edward sighed, satisfied to shift subjects at least for the moment. "Bella, you've changed." But he quickly rephrased when I looked at him, horrified. "Not in a way that changes my love for you!" He corrected hastily. "That's not at all what I meant. You still look and smell the same and are as sweet and wonderful as ever. I didn't mean you've changed that way. What I mean in, _I've _changed you. I don't think you realize that…you're never going to grow old."

I let a smile break my features now, understanding. "Edward, I _do _know that." I assured him gently. "Wasn't that kind of the whole point of being changed?"

Now his eyes hardened though and they bore into my face, chasing away the smile faster than I would have thought possible. "Bella, growing old is the natural way of things." He explained, his eyes sad again. "You grow up. You get married and have children. And then someday…grandchildren." He lowered his gaze to the ground now and I listened quietly, finally comprehending what he was trying to tell me. "And then you die." His eyes flashed up to meet mine. "But you _won't _die." He pressed on, clearly furious with himself. "You won't have a chance at a normal life! You won't enjoy pizza with your friends anymore and you won't be able to see your parents or get your first real career." He paused, thinking. "And what if someday, something _did _happen to you?"

I stared back at him unblinking now.

"What if somehow, you ended up losing your life because of the life I gave you? Eternal damnation. I could never forgive myself."

My hands found his face then, holding it up so I could look into his eyes, my own gaze gentle. I let my thumb trace the outline of his lips. I smiled. "I don't _want _a normal life, Edward." I reminded him for what felt like the thousandth time. "I don't care about any of that stuff. The only thing I care about," I paused, my eyes examining his face, "is you."

I half expected him to cut me off then. To tell me I was being ridiculous, but he didn't, so I continued. "I love _you_. The only thing I really want…is to be with you forever. The way Carlisle has been with Esme…forever. The way Emmett and Rosalie, Jasper and Alice…the way they have been together _forever_." Then we were both quiet, simply staring at one another, saying nothing. I tried to communicate to him the truth that I felt through my eyes. I prayed that it was enough. It seemed to be. He didn't tell me I was being foolish. Neither of us said a word. That's when I started laughing. It started in my stomach and then bubbled up into my throat. It was real laughter. And then this only made me laugh more.

It felt strange, foreign, like I had missed the feeling of it an indescribable amount. But Edward didn't look amused. "What are you laughing at!?" He demanded, suddenly seeming a little angry that I wasn't taking this matter more seriously. But I couldn't stop now. My breath came in hiccups as I covered my mouth with one hand, doubling over with the hilarity of it all. "I'm…sorry." I managed finally between hysterics. "I…I just…" But I kept laughing, giggling like a twelve-year-old schoolgirl with a crush until finally, I managed to calm it enough to speak. "Do you realize that we are going to be together _forever_?" I asked, astonished with the concept.

He raised one beautiful eyebrow. "That's funny?" He asked, clearly bemused.

"No." But I started laughing again even as I said it, clutching my rib cage with one arm to keep the muscles from getting sore. "It's just that…" I stopped now. "Forever! As in, all of eternity! We're never going to leave each other…_ever_."

But he still seemed confused. "You're just realizing this now?" He asked, the tiniest of smiles warming his features now too.

I sighed now and looked up at the trees. "It's just," I though my answer through thoroughly before speaking, "it's incredible!" I exclaimed. "I mean, I always thought that someday, one way or another, because of what you are, we were going to have to say goodbye." I turned serious suddenly, remembering. "Not consciously of course." I added. "But somewhere, deep down, I just never really saw us having a future because I was…_human_. I thought for sure that somewhere down the line, I would outgrow you or have to move away to college or…something human…" I let my voice trail off. "But now…" The smile brightened my features again, splitting my face practically from ear to ear. "It really is forever, isn't it? A hundred years from now we will still be _here_…_together._"

Edward's smile grew when he finally flipped to the page I was on. He cupped my cheek in his hand and I leaned into his touch, closing my eyes as I listened to his gentle voice. "Forever." He confirmed in the most tender of whispers. I opened my eyes then, so happy I didn't know what to do with myself. He grinned, deep in thought.

"What are you thinking about?" I whispered, my face only mere inches from his. I could feel his breath on my lips as he spoke. "Do you realize how long it's been since I've heard you laugh?" He closed the distance an inch. Then his whisper became so subtle that I almost didn't hear him. "I remember the first time I heard you laugh." His nose touched mine. "It was amazing."

I couldn't keep the smile from spreading across my lips now. My eyes closed. I felt his lips close over mine and all of the tension dropped from my muscles immediately. Every concern, every fear I'd had only moments before withered away to dust as I kissed him. It felt so different from what this normally felt like. It was…warm. And not at all nearly as careful as it used to be. So…incredible. It sent thrills sprawling through my entire body. I felt my spirits soar as I wrapped my arms around his neck, throwing myself into the kiss only to be completely accepted for the first time. He didn't draw back. Didn't care enough to let go. He had no reason to.

His free hand went to the back of my hair, pressing my lips harder against his. I let my lips part, as did he. When the motion stopped, it was still another lengthy moment before we finally broke apart, gasping for the air we didn't technically need anyway. Edward's eyes remained close even after it was over. Then he looked at me, being careful not to pull too far away. "Wow."

I stared at him, unblinking. "I know." I whispered, knowing exactly what he must have been feeling. "If you were a good kisser before…" But I didn't finish the statement. His mouth hit mine a second time, our lips colliding with a much more intense pressure. I didn't stop him. His lips moved against mine as though without a care in the world. This was how I wanted it. This was how I always wished it could be. And now it was, truly, a dream come true.

We pulled apart only for breath. An instinct and nothing more. And then we were together again. And again and again. I couldn't remember the last time we'd kissed like this. Maybe our engagement night. No. Not even _that _was this good. I never wanted to stop. Eventually though, his lips fell from mine, leaving a trail of tingling kisses on the line of my jaw, my neck, the bridge of my shoulder…

I whispered his name. And then again a second time when his lips reached my upper arm, trailing down my frame. Then he looked up all too suddenly. The kisses stopped. He trained his eyes permanently on mine. "I love you, Isabella Swan." He whispered, his face still impossibly close to mine. I rested my forehead against his. A moment passed. And then two. "Do you want to go back?" He asked, suddenly aware of the time we had been away from the family, but I shook my head, my cold skin moving against his. "No." I replied seriously. "Let's never go back. Can we just stay out here forever?"

He laughed then, clearly amused by the fact that our minds ran on the same wave-link. "Sounds good to me." His lips touched mine just one more time, making my head swim before he pulled away. "Come on." He whispered, pulling himself to his feet before he reached down to offer me his hand. "I want to show you something."

I took it and hauled myself up as well, brushing the leaves and dirt from my jeans. He paused momentarily. "It's kind of far though…" he added as an obvious afterthought. A playful glint struck my eyes, flashing across my face like fireworks. "Race ya!" I suggested so quickly that he hadn't a chance of reacting before I did. "Go!" I took off then, my feet skimming easily over rocks and roots that got in my way. Trees flashed by on either side of me, but I barely saw them. They were nothing to me. Easily avoided. Then Edward was at my side again, running with me. "You don't even know if you're going the right way!" He exclaimed, although his voice was far from serious. A broad grin betrayed him.

I laughed. "Am I?" I was curious, but I certainly didn't care. I would keep running in this direction even if it _were _the wrong way.

Edward's smile grew. "Yes."

We both laughed then, doubling our speed. It was exhilarating, running next to him. I felt as though I might never tire. I never wanted to stop. Cool wind whipped my hair around my face, tickling the bare skin on my neck. Our legs must have been synchronized, I decided, because neither of was gaining distance on the other. "Are you even trying?" I called over the adrenalin rush in my ears. "Or are you just letting me win?"

He laughed heartily. "Well, leaving you in the dust right from the beginning wouldn't say much for my gentlemanly manners, now would it?"

"Screw manners!" I called back. Then I forced my legs to move faster still. Forest flew by at an alarming rate and I pulled ahead a good few yards. The speed was incredible. So…free. But he was there again. I was sure I saw a clearing up ahead. The trees thinned. I could see sky. Was that roaring sound inside my ears? No, it couldn't be.

Edward caught me up his arms before I knew what was happening. He was thundering with laughter, his body heaving with it as he slowed to a stop and spun me in a tight circle, one of his arms supporting the backs of my shoulders and the other beneath my knees. "Oh," he laughed between panting breaths before kissing my neck affectionately, "do you have _any _idea how much I love you?" He placed me back on my feet then, and it was only in that moment that I noticed the surface on which I stood was rock. It was no longer forest floor, but smooth, gray stone. I looked around…and gasped.

"Oh, Edward." I could just barely mouth the words as my eyes took in where we were. It must have been the most glorious sight I had laid eyes on since we'd arrived in Alaska…or ever. I couldn't recall ever seeing anything so beautiful in my life…besides Edward of course.

We stood on a cliff face overlooking a breath-taking natural set-up. Below us, possibly down about a hundred feet was a churning pool of the bluest water I thought I had ever seen, disturbed – almost to the point of white rapids – by the larger-than-life waterfall pouring over the rock face not too far left of us. I could feel the spray from here, listening to the thunderous roar of it. It was huge! All around the pool was green. It looked as though this was the source of most of the plants' sustenance, and the ones that inhabited the area seemed to be taking advantage of it. They were the most vibrant shades of emerald I had ever seen. Some had flowers, littering the clearing with rainbows upon rainbows of color.

I stared at it, unable to pull my eyes away for even the briefest of seconds. I had to sit down. Again, Edward was there next to me, seating himself on the rock face at my side. "This used to be my favorite place to come just to think." He explained without looking away from the incredible scenery before us. "When I was staying here with Tanya," he paused momentarily, uncertain if he wanted to continue with that particular memory, "I'd come out here just to be alone." He turned his eyes on me then. "And think about you."

I finally managed to tear my eyes away only to look at him and listen. "After I…left…" Edward paused again, his eyes scrutinizing my expression, ready to stop if it seemed to be upsetting me. It wasn't, so he continued. "…I came to Alaska for a while, you know, before I split from Carlisle and Esme. Even when I checked in with them I still came here every time…" his irresistible voice broke off for a moment and he looked thoughtful again, remembering some far away time.

I decided to help him along. "Why?" I asked, more curious than anything.

A smile brightened his features again as he looked at me. "Because I missed you." He told me earnestly. "I didn't like to let myself think about you, but I could never resist coming here, for just a quick visit every time. I had to see that there was still beauty in the world."

I raised one eyebrow somewhat skeptically. "And this place made you see that?" I could certainly see how it could, but I knew that all those months ago the most beautiful sight in the world couldn't have lifted _my _spirits at all.

Edward shook his head, clearing my misapprehension easily. "Not really." He replied, his voice low. "At first I thought it would, but then I realized as I looked at the sheer beauty of it all, it only reminded me of you. I thought it might prove to me that you weren't the only beautiful thing in the world, but, over time, I realized the only reason I liked looking at it so much is because the beauty came so close to matching yours. I wasn't distracting myself, I was reattaching myself."

I let my eyes fall to the water below. It was easier to think of that time now, when he was here with me. It made it easier to not be so afraid when the memories came back. I watched the churning of the waves…

"I came here the first time I left Forks too." He added, his tone only slightly lighter. "When I realized how dangerously close I was getting to you, I ran to Tanya and her family yet again." He laughed darkly. "That was when I found this place." His voice lowered, as did his eyes. "And all I did was think about you the entire time I sat here. I think that was the first time I truly realized how intoxicatingly in love I was with you."

I let my eyes drift over to his face now. I said nothing, but I couldn't stop myself from reaching over with my left hand and touching his as rested on the rock face, covering the back of it lovingly. But then my vision was blocked suddenly. The world drifted away from me so fast that I didn't have a chance to hold onto it before it was replaced with another sight that was far from the one I should have been seeing. I didn't even have time to be startled…

_This one wasn't nearly as blurry or fast moving as the last one had been. It was still very strange and distant, but I was able to follow it well enough._

_I recognized the hospital back in Forks. The bright lights, the sheer whiteness of the walls. I almost bulked at the memory, afraid of the familiarity of it all. Then I saw Carlisle. Yes, I was sure it was he this time. This vision was certainly much clearer. The good-looking, blond doctor strode down the white hallway, wearing his lab coat and stethoscope around his neck, a chart in his hands. But he looked…angry… _

_"Edward, what are you talking about?" He was saying. Only then did I note Edward there at his side. I recognized the outfit he had been wearing that day all that time ago._

_"I need your car." Edward told him urgently, his smooth voice close to hysterics. "Please. Mine only has a half a tank of gas and I can't stop. I've got to get out of here."_

_Carlisle turned to look at him, his golden eyebrows knitting together with obvious concern. "What?" He exclaimed, bewildered. "Why?"_

_"Please," Edward begged further without answering, "just give me the keys. I'll call you when I get to Denali."_

_Carlisle reached into his pocket and drew forth the car keys to his black Mercedes. He started to hand them over, but, when Edward reached for them he drew back, holding them just out of his reach as he gauged his son's expression. "When are you coming back?" He asked, reminding me of a father concerned with their teenager's whereabouts, but Edward's answer was much different from any normal teenager. "I'm not." He replied._

_But if it had been difficult to get the keys from Carlisle before, it was impossible now. The older vampire looked at him, shocked. "It's the Swan girl, isn't it?" He guessed far too accurately. "The one you've been trying to avoid. She's finally driven you out."_

_"It's not her fault!" Edward roared, lowering his voice again when a passing nurse shot him a startled look. "Listen, it's my own stupid fault I can't control myself. Just give me the keys!"_

_"Edward, think of Esme." Carlisle's voice was compassionate. "You'll break her heart."_

_But Edward grasped the keys himself now while Carlisle was distracted, pulling them from his father's loose hold. He started off down the hallway. "Tell Mom I love her!" He called over one shoulder as he broke into a jog. "Everyone else too! I can't come back until she's gone!" Then he was gone, leaving his father standing, bewildered in the hallway._

I shook my head as my vision suddenly cleared, startling me back to the present. For a moment I couldn't get a grasp on myself. I looked around, confused. I felt as though I had amnesia. But this one stayed in my head. It didn't fade away so quickly as the other one had. What was going on here? I couldn't figure it out. Was I dreaming? Was my human brain trying to drift off to dreamland even while I was fully conscious? That was what it felt like. But I couldn't be sure. Again, I was startled by the lack of logical explanation for this.

That's when I realized Edward was out of my line of vision. I was staring at his knees. I looked up, puzzled. He'd stood up while I was…out. But he wasn't looking at me anymore. Instead he was peeling off his leather jacket from his arms, pulling the sleeves from his arms and dropping it on the cliff face next to me. As I watched, suddenly shocked beyond comprehension, he pulled his pants down around his ankles, revealing a tasteful pair of gray boxer shorts. Still, for reasons unknown even to me, I averted my eyes, looking away as he continued to undress himself. His T-shirt was last to come off. I had to say something.

"Edward Cullen," I gasped, far beyond astonished, "what are you doing?" I'd long since forgotten about my vision now. My focus was on other matters…understandably.

He looked down at me and laughed. "What does it look like?" He asked, shrugging. But the truth was, I didn't know. If it was supposed to be obvious, it wasn't. I could find no possible reason for him to be taking his clothes off in the brisk weather of Alaska, even if it _was _summer.

But then I got my answer. Without another word, Edward jogged to the edge of the cliff face and hurled himself into the air, crying out excitedly as he cart wheeled the hundred-or-so feet down into the freezing waters below. "Whoooooo!" I heard the splash even from all the way up here, above the roar of the waterfall. It sounded like thunder.

My first instinct was to scream, panic, anything that might qualify as a reasonable reaction to this. _What had he just done? _Frantic, I scrambled to the edge of the cliff, my eyes scanning the rapidly churning waters below. Edward's easily recognizable bronze hair broke the surface. He laughed exuberantly as he swiped the water from his eyes and gazed up at me, his golden eyes alight, dancing with life. He treaded water for a moment as he watched me, expectant, still laughing from the enthusiasm of the fall. "Come on!" He shouted finally, when I failed to move an inch from where I stood.

My answer came easily. I didn't even have to think about it. "No!" I called in return, my voice firm as I struggled to get over the panic attack I had just had.

"Why not?" Edward demanded from where he still drifted, treading water as though it were as thick as peanut butter. "You're not afraid of a little cold water, are you?"

"No!"

"Are you afraid of me?"

I rolled my eyes, my tone suggesting that he shouldn't be so ridiculous. "No!" I was beginning to sound like a broken record.

But Edward only laughed. "Well, what then?" He questioned, clearly out of guesses. I sighed, thinking about this question for a long minute. What _was _I afraid of? I wasn't going to drown, I knew that. And it didn't look as though there were any rocks down there…but…

I had only one answer. "Bad memories." My voice was quieter at this, but I knew Edward could still hear me just fine. He was quiet too, after that, realizing what I must have been thinking of. This trip certainly was forcing me to face too many bad memories. Memories that I never wished to revisit again. Memories of a place and a time that I'd long since hoped to forget. If he expected me to fall a hundred feet through the air into freezing, churning waters, he was sorely mistaken. I'd already done it once. And the memory of the fall, the echo of his voice in my head – nothing more than a distant longing in my subconscious – hitting the icy waters, drowning…it all went hand in hand. I couldn't possibly jump now without thinking the same thing was only going to happen again.

Then I looked at _him_. He looked more like a god than he ever had before, floating there in the teal-blue torrents, his skin and hair dripping wet and glistening, reflecting off of the waves. I wanted to be there with him. I wanted to hold him and… I sighed. But I couldn't.

"You don't have to be afraid, Bella!" He called up to me finally after a long second of silence. "Nothing is going to happen to you! I'm right here!"

I knew all of this already, but I still couldn't bring myself to move from my teetering spot on the edge.

"I'll catch you!"

I looked at him with hard eyes then. This new development brought life into my old, dying determination. It made the whole thing almost all right. If I jumped, I could imagine I had gone back in time and was doing the same thing off of the cliff in Forks. Only this time, Edward would be there at the bottom. I wouldn't fall freely, dangerously into the tearing currents and undertows. No. This time I would fall into his arms. What a strange and wonderful feeling that would be. It wouldn't be Jake who caught me up when I hit the water. I wouldn't have to settle for his kind and friendly nature. This time I would have Edward. And that was more than I'd ever hoped to have all that time ago.

Standing up to my full height on the edge of the cliff, I began peeling off each individual layer of clothing. My jeans, the jacket I had borrowed from Tanya and finally my T-shirt. There, I thought, looking down at myself. This would do fine. After all, a bra and underpants was really no different than a bikini now was it? But as I stepped to edge again, I caught the disapproving glance Edward shot me and I rolled my eyes. "Oh, Edward, don't be ridiculous!" I called down to him. "I'm marrying you!"

I crouched down then, examining the surface of the water below, my eyes hard. Edward swam over to the waves that churned directly below me. I didn't know if I could do this. It was so far…then he smiled.

Standing up again, I didn't allow myself to think another coherent thought. I did it before I had the chance to change my mind again. I threw myself into the air, screaming as the water rushed up to meet me at an alarming rate. It was certainly far down. I felt my lungs constricting with the sudden drop in altitude. My stomach leapt into my throat. That's when I hit the water. White bubbles obscured my vision as freezing, icy waters closed over my head. But the temperature didn't bother me as much as it would have a human. I was cold, certainly, but it didn't have the same constricting effect as it did before I was changed. I still had full mobility. I could have ignored it completely if I wanted to. It didn't stab at me or make my skin crawl with ice. It was just…there.

I didn't even have a chance to kick my legs before something hard closed around my upper body, around my ribcage, dragging me to the surface. Then my head broke through the waves and I gasped, even though I had no real use for air. It must have simply been a lingering instinct, because I gasped again, desperate for salvation from the icy water. "Easy, Bella." Edward crooned not too far from my face. "You're okay. I've got you. I'm right here."

I let my eyes open then and I saw him, smiling only inches away from my lips. "Just relax." He told me softly, his voice more soothing than it had ever been. "I'm right here. Hold onto me." I thought of the last time I'd done something like that. Oh, what I wouldn't have given to hear those words, spoken by _that _voice in reality. Felt _those _arms around me. And now it was true. I felt my lips curve upwards into a smile before I could stop them and I rested my forehead against his for along moment, breathing in his breath, my wet arms around his neck as we drifted there, in the center of the pool.

We could see even _our _cold breath as we exhaled in the freezing air, mixing with the mist that lingered over the surface at the base of the falls. I looked around and realized it looked even more beautiful from down here. I rested my cheek on his bare shoulder, my nose facing his neck, breathing in his incredible scent as I felt his arms on my back, holding me against him as we drifted, swaying with the gentle, up-and-down motion of the waves. I let my lips touch his skin, kissing his throat gratefully.

"You know," his voice was very soft when he spoke again, "memories are a tricky thing."

I raised my head so I could look into his face. He seemed to be reading my mind, even if I already knew he couldn't do that. I listened quietly as he continued. "They have the power to stifle you completely, paralyzing you in a painful point in time. They can keep you from seeing the one you love most. Or they can carry you to them." He sighed and raised his eyes to the clouds for a moment. "If I had a quarter for every memory that kept me from you…" But I didn't hear the end of that statement.

_"I really don't see what the big deal is." Edward was standing in the huge, white living room back in his house in Forks. The rest of the family was there too, seated on the couches and armchairs. _

_"The big deal is," Rosalie answered sharply, "you could have given us away! That girl was on to us and you know it!"_

_"He acted on a whim," Carlisle was taking Edward's side, "it's not his fault."_

_"Yeah!" Alice's bubbly voice chimed in. "What did you want him to do? Just _let _the poor girl get crushed by that van?"_

_Rosalie stood, furious. "Do you have any idea what would happen if people discovered what we really are!?" She turned to look at her husband, seated quietly on the couch next to her. "Emmett, please! Back me up on this!"_

_Emmett sighed. "I'm sorry, Ed, but it's true." He breathed only somewhat apologetically. "One human is not worth the chaos that could come upon the world if people found out."_

_"You don't know her!" Edward thundered…_

But I didn't see any more this time. Edward's wet face appeared in my line of vision again. "You know, that keeps happening…" I sighed when I realized I was back in the present.

Edward looked confused; he raised his eyebrows as he scrutinized my face. "What does?" He asked me gently, clearly not put-off by my drifting thoughts. I thought briefly of just not telling him, but that was a stupid idea. He already knew how insane I could be so one more little brain abnormality wasn't going to kill him.

I sighed and thought my answer through thoroughly before I spoke. "I keep having these…visions."

I thought Edward's eyebrows were going to disappear into his hairline now. "Visions?" He repeated, unclear.

I sighed again. "Well, not really visions." I confided. "Just these flashes that come and go. The last two have been clearer than the first. It's like I'm remembering something."

But Edward merely shrugged now. "That's not strange at all." He consoled me gently, but I shook my head, desperate now to make him understand. If he had answers, I needed to hear them. "No." I began again. "I'm having memories, but they're…they're not…_mine_."

He looked at me more seriously now, listening.

"I'm seeing things that happened a long time ago that I never saw. I can't be remembering them, because I wasn't there." I explained quickly, desperate to get it all out now. "But I'm seeing them now as clearly as if I _was _there."

"Well, if you didn't see them when they happened," Edward murmured, his tone puzzled, "then how do you know they even happened in the first place?"

"Because they're of things that you told me about." I explained, my voice no longer careful in the least. "Like the first one – it was really kind of blurry and unclear – was of you and Carlisle in Chicago in 1918. You were sick. But I never would have known what was going on if both he and you hadn't told me the story." I paused, my eyes gauging his reaction, but his face was like stone. Completely unreadable. So I continued. "The second was you talking to Carlisle in the hospital in Forks. I think it was just after we met. You were going coming here to get away from…me. You wanted Carlisle's car because it had a full tank of gas."

Edward didn't give up any hint of his emotions at the moment. "And the third?" He pried gently.

I sighed. "The third happened just now. Both it and the one before it were very clear, almost perfectly understandable. It was you having a fight with your family back in Forks. They were angry with you for saving my life. Carlisle and Alice took your side." The end of my story was played out in a much lower voice, my tone nearing shame as I lowered my eyes to the water that was licking at my collarbone.

Edward was silent for a long moment. When I finally looked up at him, he looked thoughtful, calculating almost. He didn't look angry or frightened to my relief, but he was certainly deep in thought. I couldn't stay quiet when I saw this. I had to ask. "Please," I whispered, my voice trembling, "say something." I had to know I hadn't scared him off. I had to know he didn't hate me for losing my mind. But he didn't say anything. "What are you thinking about?" I questioned quietly, suddenly tightening my hold around his neck.

But he looked at me then, his golden eyes dancing with delight, as he suddenly seemed to come to a conclusion. "Oh, Bella, that's it!" He exclaimed abruptly, almost startling me with the sudden volume and enthusiasm in his voice.

I let my eyes widen. "What is?" I demanded, clearly left in the dust by his realization.

"You're gift!" He exclaimed again. "That's what it is!"

I stared at him, confused.

"You can see the memories of others!" He explained quickly when I didn't respond. "It's like a combination between mine and Alice's! You have visions of the past! You're reading people's memories!"

But I wasn't entirely sure I could believe this. Not me. I wasn't powerful. I wasn't Wonder Woman. I couldn't possibly be having…_visions_. Could I? "Are you sure?" I asked finally, clearly in dire need of confirmation.

But Edward only laughed now, twice as exuberant as I could ever hope to be. "Yes, Bella! It all makes perfect sense!" Then he quieted, his voice thoughtful again, registering. "The reason the first one was blurry is because you were seeing a memory through me of my past, before I was changes. My memories of being human are very, very vague. Not even I can remember clearly sometimes. The last two were of a time long after I became a vampire. I remember them as clear as day…and that's why you did too."

I raised one eyebrow, thinking. But he pressed on. "And I'm going to guess that it only happens when you're touching me, right?"

I thought about this for a long moment. It was difficult to recall, but…I nodded. Yes, I was sure I had been touching him every time. "Exactly." Edward's voice took on a triumphant tone now and he grinned broadly down into my face. "It's always like that in the beginning for everyone with gifts like ours." He told me. "Soon though, I wouldn't be surprised if it starts happening without any physical contact at all. And then you'll be able to control when it comes and goes and what you want to see. Oh, Bella, this is great!" He spun me in a tight circle in the waves, causing a small crest of blue to form around us as he stopped.

I couldn't help but laugh. He sounded so excited. And that was quickly spreading to me. It really _was _incredible. I don't know what I had thought, but I certainly wasn't thinking about having superpowers for the last couple of days. In fact, I had completely forgotten about it. "My guess is," Edward pressed on after a moment, "this gift branches off from your kind, considerate nature. You always strive to understand why people do the things they do."

I raised my eyebrows. "I do?" I repeated, uncertain.

"Yes, you do!" He replied gleefully. "And this is going to help you to do that. You'll be able to see into the minds of others. Hey," he suddenly seemed to get an idea, "why don't we work on this together? I can teach you to develop skills like that. It'll go much faster if I help you."

I laughed. "Like psychic lessons?" I giggled at the notion, but he nodded, looking completely serious. "Exactly." He murmured, his voice growing quiet again. "You should embrace something like this, Bella. Not be ashamed of it. Not many people can do it."

_Try none. _"Okay." I agreed finally, perfectly content to embrace this as long as Edward was doing the same. If he was happy, then so was I. I had no reason to fear it anymore. Not if he was willing to help me. Hell, he seemed happier than I did about the whole thing.

"Great." He whispered after a moment, his eyes suddenly becoming soft. "And we can start right now." But then he grew quiet again, thoughtful. His eyes searched my face and his lips took on the most tender of smiles.

"What?" I asked finally, confused by his sudden, serious stare.

He didn't hesitate to answer, but when he spoke again, it was in a hushed, careful tone. "I love the way the water's running over your face." He whispered, his fingertips raising slowly to my features and tracing he lines of the drips as they streamed down from my hairline. "It makes you look like you're crying."

I blinked once and smiled bemusedly. "You like that?" I questioned, my own voice lowering as my lips inched toward his.

He grinned. "I love that." His eyes slid closed then and his wet lips touched mine, feeling unnaturally warm in contrast with the freezing water around us. My stomach started doing cartwheels. I kissed him back, my hands rising from the back of his neck into his slick and yet somehow still-soft hair. He was more beautiful than ever here, in the icy, Alaskan waters. The bare skin of my legs and midriff was against his, tingling pleasurably at the touch. I never wanted to let go…

**Author's Note: NOT THE END! NOT THE END! MORE IS COMING SOON!**


	33. Chapter 33:Laughter is the Best Medicine

**Chapter 33: Laughter is the Best Medicine**

"Unfortunately we won't be staying long," Tanya informed us as she seated herself gingerly on the couch next to Jasper that afternoon. She nudged him once playfully with her elbow but, when he didn't return the teasing touch, she turned back to us, unphased. "We agreed to visit some old friends of ours in Africa for a couple of weeks this summer."

I sat in the armchair on the opposite side of the room, curled contentedly in Edward's lap, his arms around me, but when I heard this, my eyes flashed up to the ancient vampire's face. "You're leaving?" My voice sounded anything but content now. It wavered slightly. I didn't like the idea of being left alone, even if the Cullens would still be with me. I'd found a strange sense of security here, in the mountains with Tanya's family, like nothing could touch us as long as she was around. Her very presence was enough to intimidate the most hostile of vampires and werewolves alike, despite her delicate size and appearance. Whether it was this, or the fact that if the wolves did show up, it would be twelve against five, I couldn't be sure, but I definitely didn't like the thought of her leaving.

"We'll be around for another few days," Tanya assured me gently, calming my nerves even if only slightly, "but then I'm afraid we'll have to go." She must have caught the apparently evident anxiety that flashed across my eyes then, because she quickly regrouped, rearranging her beautiful features in a way that flooded my cold heart with warmth and comfort. "Don't worry, though, sweetheart," she told me, her voice gentle, "we'll be back before you know it and in the meantime, you and your family are more than welcome to make good use of our home."

Carlisle was the one who spoke next. He sat adjacent to me and Edward, on the loveseat with Esme. "Are you sure, Tanya?" He asked good-naturedly. "We don't want to overstay our welcome."

But Tanya merely laughed, causing the bell in her voice to chime melodically. "Nonsense, Carlisle," she replied, her voice adopting the kindness that seemed to come so naturally to her, "we're happy to have you. You're welcome to stay as long as you need."

As I watched from across the room, Carlisle lowered his eyes now, seeming a little embarrassed almost about the matter, but his voice was genuine. "Thank you," he murmured in reply, only causing the smile to grow on Tanya's perfect, full lips. She stood up from the couch then, tapping Jasper's knee playfully with the palm of her hand before getting to her feet with more grace than I had ever seen any vampire use before. "Not at all," she assured her old friend softly before she glided out of the room, her feet never even seeming to touch the carpet.

My eyes went to Jasper for a moment. I wondered what was going through his head at the moment. Was he thinking about Alice? It wouldn't surprise me. His every move seemed to be stifled by loneliness. I almost felt badly for even touching Edward in front of him. I remembered how painful it was for me to watch others in love while my own was away somewhere where I would never find him. It was almost a physical aching to see a public display of affection. A kiss, someone holding someone else's hand, or even something as common as a hug would always send that merciless sting to my heart. I suddenly envied Edward. I wished I could read Jasper's mind. To understand and make him feel better if nothing else. I thought briefly about trying everything Edward had told me earlier that day, but for some reason I simply didn't feel right about invading on someone else's memories like that. With Edward it was different. We already knew everything about each other anyway, so seeing into his mind didn't really bother me. But Jasper…Jasper I couldn't bring myself to do it. At least not yet.

Just then however, his features changed. Hardened. I realized with a sudden surge of embarrassment that I had been staring at him far too intently. He must have noticed, because he got up then and followed Tanya out of the room. I had to withhold a loud sigh of self-loathing. Simply knowing that I was the cause of his misery was enough to make one girl take a hit on her self-esteem, but thinking that perhaps there could be a chance that he hated me for it was another thing all together.

I glanced around. I had to find something to get my mind off of the aching matters that so suddenly seemed to be dominating my life. Emmett and Rosalie were still out. I wondered briefly if they were still hunting or if they had found something else to do, not unlike me and Edward had only an hour or so before. Did they know about Edward's secret waterfall of sorts? I doubted it. Something told me he had taken me to a place completely untouched by anyone but himself. The very atmosphere about it seemed to indicate a haven, a paradise completely unknown to anyone but Edward and myself. Like our own secret garden.

Finally though, my eyes fell on the mahogany grand piano not too far from our chair. I twisted around then so my eyes could find Edward's face. I grinned hopefully and expressed my most practiced puppy-dog eyes. "Edward," I half-whispered, a pleading tone coloring my voice, "would you play something for me?" I nodded briefly in the direction of the piano and I could tell he understood. He sighed reluctantly, looking at me through uncertain eyes. "Please?" I tried again. "It's been so long and I miss it."

He was silent for a long moment, thinking. Finally though, he lifted his eyes to meet mine and nodded once. "Alright," he breathed obligingly, even if there was still a hint of reluctance in his velvety smooth voice, "but just one piece. What do you want to hear?"

I raised my eyebrows purposefully. He sighed again. "I guess I know," he chuckled, lifting me momentarily off of his lap into his arms before placing me back on my feet and standing himself. He took my hand in his and led me to the piano, my spirits beginning to soar at the notion of hearing him play again. I wasn't surprised at how much I'd missed it. Hearing him hum my lullaby to me every night was one thing, but hearing it come to life in a vibrant spray of sweet, melodic chords was something else entirely. Like the notes that flowed from his perfect lips were only a miniscule glimpse of a shadow of the wonders that flowed from his fingers on ivory keys. Suddenly I would have given anything to hear it again.

Edward seated himself formally on the piano bench and pulled me down next to him, smiling now himself at the prospect of playing again. I turned my eyes briefly from the keys to look at Carlisle and Esme on the loveseat. They hadn't moved. Both were smiling with the notion of music as well and Emse winked as Edward went to work on the keys. I turned my eyes back to his fingers. They danced across the ivory with impossible grace, filling the room with sorrowfully sweet notes. I recognized the piece immediately as my lullaby. Of course, it wasn't as though I had been expecting anything else. Hearing it now was even better than I'd imagined. I felt my dead heart swell and almost come back to life at the memories that crested to the surface with the waves of music.

I saw flashes. Not visions of course. These were memories entirely my own. I remembered the first time I had ever visited the Cullen house. Esme standing behind us as we sat at the piano, smiling her approval. _"I hope you haven't been showing off – it's rude." "Just a bit." "He's been too modest, actually." "Well, play for her." "You just said showing off was rude." "There are exceptions to every rule." _I couldn't help but smile at the memory. It seemed so long ago now and yet…like it was yesterday. It was a time so different from now. Simpler. Or was it more complicated?

I shook my head inwardly and sighed. There was no reason to bring up the past now, when we were residing in such a wonderful place, with such wonderful friends. It wasn't worth the tears…or whatever it was that vampires wasted through pointless, bitter-sweet memories. For some reason I didn't like remembering the time when I was human. It only reminded me of a time when everything was unnecessarily difficult…for both Edward and for myself. The simplest things for normal people were suddenly complicated by Edward's vampirism. Well, not anymore. Not now that I was exactly like him. A smile played in my lips as I listened to the music.

My lullaby was soft and unbearably familiar. A melody I was certain I would never forget, no matter how long I lived. It was gentle and simple, like any song that so easily stuck in your memory forever, not for its catchiness, but for the sheer happiness that swelled through you when you heard it.

Eventually though, my song drifted to a close and I prepared to stand, but then, for some reason, Edward's fingers sang on the keys a second time. "I thought you said only one," I reminded, scolding over the all too familiar notes, although there was a smile playing on my features as I relaxed on the bench again.

He grinned over at me without taking his fingers off the keys. "I changed my mind," he replied simply. I returned the smile and folded my hands in my lap, sitting back to listen. I recognized this piece easily too. I'd heard it several times before on the CD he'd given me for my birthday. It was one in which he wrote. More complicated than my lullaby, enhanced with a variation of chords that was so luxuriant, it almost sounded like more than one pair of hands playing. It was Esme's favorite.

I glanced over my shoulder to gauge her reaction, but it was no different than I would have expected. She was sitting, her eyes trained proudly on her son as her features softened into a mask of gentle passion for the music. I grinned and turned back to Edward. I was glad I wasn't the only one enjoying his talent. His mother clearly appreciated it just as much, if not more. It was refreshing to see.

It turned out Edward had missed playing as much as I'd missed hearing him. He played for hours once he started. I was more than happy simply to sit there and listen, smiling encouragingly whenever he glanced in my direction. Soon enough Esme and Carlisle drifted from the room, granting us the privacy they seemed to think we needed. After a while I moved to the armchair that was closest to piano, giving Edward room to play and giving myself a more comfortable listening perch. I pushed the chair around so it was facing the piano and then I plopped myself down in it, content to sit quietly and listen as long as he continued to play.

He resurfaced many old pieces of his own that I had never heard before. Pieces he'd written before he met me, pieces he'd written the day he met me, pieces he'd written a hundred years ago. And then there was the new piece. We composed it together. He suggested chords, forming the masterpiece little by little through trial and error. I told him what I thought worked best with the chord before and he plugged it in before playing me several more chords for the next little bit. Which way to take the music? Up or down? Crescendo or soft, gentle developments. I gave him my input.

As we went I watched the sun through the large picture window drifting steadily toward the horizon. I'd lost all concept of time. I didn't bother turning my eyes to the clock. The music didn't allow an atmosphere for modern, sensible instruments, such as clocks. So I only watched the sun. Soon the sky cleared of the clouds, leaving the vast stretch of blue to transform into a radiant mosaic of pinks, purples and golds. This didn't stop us. If anything it inspired us further. Twilight.

By the time we were finished, the piece we'd come up with was different than any either of us had ever heard before. Impossible music surged around us in waves, rising and falling like the tide with every turn in the melody. It was haunting, like a heavy fog hanging over the mountains out here, but not sad, as the rain in Forks had inspired many of Edward's pieces to be. It was more mysterious, enchanting almost. It was complex and simple all at the same time, and unbearably enthralling to listen to. He played it over and over again, altering only the slightest of things to perfect it before we were finally finished.

I tried to figure out who it reminded me of. Someone I knew very well, I was sure of that. Someone I knew but…was still getting to know somehow. Someone that offered me more mystery than anyone else on the face of the earth…but who? I glanced up quickly when I realized the music had stopped. The silence was so sudden it was almost startling. I didn't like it without the sweet swells of the piano drifting in and out of the walls. It made the quiet deafening now.

"What are you thinking about?" Edward's tone was amused as his eyes gauged my face, seeming to have to calculate unnaturally hard to figure it out. I sighed, thoughtful. "The music," I replied earnestly, "I'm trying to think of who it reminds me of."

A smile brightened Edward's features now and he stood from the bench, making his way over to the chair to sit with me. "I'll give you a hint," he chucked as he lifted me from the cushion and replaced me in his lap, facing him. Then he kissed me meaningfully on the lips, lingering there for just a moment before pulling away and looking in my eyes again. I raised my eyebrows, surprised. "Me?"

He nodded and touched his lips to my neck then before moving them up to the hollow beneath my ear. "You," he whispered, his voice ever so tender as his perfect lips brushed the frame of my ear, making me shiver delightedly. I grinned. "But I thought I was the inspiration for the lullaby. Not something like this."

He nodded again, more serious this time. "The lullaby was you when you were human," he explained quietly, "it's delicate and sweet and innocent…like a lamb." He kissed the skin of my jaw just in front of my ear, causing it to tingle pleasurably. "But this is you now," he continued, his voice still seductively low, his lips against my skin, "you're smart and strong and mysterious…a lioness."

I shifted my position on his lap so I was above him, my face looking down on his as he leaned his head back on the cushion. "And you like the lioness?" I just barely whispered, nearly losing my ability to speak for a moment. He grinned. His voice was a tender whisper when he spoke again. "I love the lioness."

I let my lips fall slowly onto his then, closing my eyes as they met in a tender, loving touch. I heard him inhale deeply through his nose without breaking away and his hands went to my back, pulling me down onto him. I relaxed my stance, allowing my arms to encircle his neck as my body fell onto his. I felt every line of his hard frame moving against mine, his muscles all too evident as he kissed me back. I let the weight of my body fuse me to him, my legs falling on either side of his waist.

When I finally broke apart from his lips, I noticed he was smiling, his eyes dancing as he held me. "What?" I demanded, suddenly curious. "What are you thinking about?"

His smile grew. "Why don't you find that out for yourself?"

I stared at him for a long moment, lulling the suggestion over in my mind. Finally, I decided there was nothing against it. It was worth a try. I hadn't actually tried to use m visions on command before. They had just, sort of, happened. But I was shocked at how easy it was when I looked into his perfect eyes, seeing straight through to his memories…

_"Edward," the voice was me, but different somehow, as though I wasn't aware of my words. It sounded dreamy, almost nonexistent, but it was there. Because I was sleeping. My bedroom was dark. It couldn't have been very early on in the night. I could tell from the atmosphere of the room that everything had been still for a very long time._

_Edward stood there, his back against my bedroom wall as he stared at me, his expression soft. Intrigued. Curious. He was dressed in that leather jacket I loved so much and I recognized in his face an expression I had only seen in the very beginning. It was almost angry, like he hated that fact that he had to sneak into my bedroom to watch me sleep._

_I rolled over on my mattress and sighed. It wasn't difficult to see that I was dreaming. "Edward." I whispered again, my voice lower now, and filled more with emotion than question. As I watched, Edward's eyes changed. They softened and he tilted his head slightly, listening. His face fell into a combination of bitter-sweet love and self-loathing. I didn't like to see that. It wasn't right. He let out a heavy breath of air that was so quiet there was never a chance of it waking me up. He slid down my wall into a sitting position on the floor, placing his head in his hands as he struggled to breathe evenly._

Then I saw his face again, smiling up at me. "I can't believe you," I whispered before I could stop myself. "You really did that."

He laughed, lightening my spirits an incredible amount. "You're getting way too good at that." He remarked.

I scoffed. "Not better than you." I looked at him, my eyes playful. "Read my mind." I challenged, more teasing than serious.

He looked indignant. "I can't!" He reminded me.

I laughed. "And that frustrates you?"

"More than you can imagine." That said though, he roared with laughter and flipped me over in one, lightning fast motion. Before I could realize what was happening, I was beneath him in the armchair, his fingers burying themselves in my sides as I laughed almost to the point of hysterics. I tried to fight him off but it wasn't worth the effort. Even with my newfound strength, he was still several times stronger than me. He tickled me until my sides hurt from laughing. I couldn't escape.

Finally though, we both fought so hard against one another that we lost our cat-like balance, making no effort to catch ourselves as we toppled to the floor, him landing on top of me. But we continued to laugh. Edward's hands were on my sides even now, after they had ceased their ravenous spasms. I had to focus on taking deep breaths until my muscles stopped contracting with the effort of it all.

He was still laughing when he finally spoke. "Are you alright?" He asked between chuckles, even though he was clearly unconcerned. I nodded, still struggling to get my breathing back down to normal. I thought briefly about simply giving up, but it hurt not to breathe. I was panting. I heard an owl hoot not too far out of the window. I turned my head against the carpet to look in that direction, but I could see nothing. Only darkness. Night had fallen.

Sighing finally, I turned my head back to look up at Edward, who'd clearly heard it too. I thought of the wolves. A question bubbled to my lips and I had to ask, despite the obvious lack of relevance to our previous conversation. I needed reassurance. "Edward," I whispered, "are we safe out here?"

I heard the breath escape his lips in a defeated sigh and his eyes hardened as looked at me. "I think so." Was all he could say as he pulled himself up into a sitting position, his back against the base of the armchair. I didn't move from where I lay on the floor, looking up at him, my hands resting on my stomach still. "You don't know." It wasn't a question. I should have known all along that we were never really safe. The pack would find us no matter what we did, but I thought that perhaps, maybe, up here in the mountains…

"I do know this," Edward pressed on when he caught the hint of fear in my voice, "as long as Tanya's clan is here, we can't be touched. Even if they did find us, not even Sam would be stupid enough to attack a coven of twelve."

I chose to ignore the 'not even' insult directed at the vampires' most prominent foe.

"After they leave?" I couldn't help but ask. I needed to know.

Edward sighed, thinking. "Why don't we just cross that bridge when we come to it?" He suggested, his voice working to mask some form of dangerous concern.

"Edward," the questions were pouring out of me faster than I could count, but this one I had been waiting to ask him for a long time, "why didn't you kill Jacob out there on the road?"

He looked at me for a long moment, silent, his expression hard. "Bella, the boy is six feet, five inches tall. He towers over me. In his wolf form he's practically a rhinoceros. Do you really think I could have done _anything _to hurt him?"

I saw right through this. Edward should have known better than to make excuses. I knew him far too well for that. "Edward," my tone was disapproving, pleading for the truth, "I know you could have killed him. It would have been very easy. You had your hands on his throat."

There was a long silence and finally Edward sighed, defeated. "I didn't kill him for two reasons," he told me, his voice honest, surrendering. "One: I owe him."

I raised my eyebrows incredulously. "You 'owe' him?" I could hear the quotation marks in my own voice, but I didn't care.

Edward nodded seriously. "Yes," he continued. "Whether I like him or not as a person is irrelevant. He took care of you when I failed to do so. He kept you safe from harm and didn't let any harm come to you while I was away. And when I came back," his voice darkened at some shameful recollection, "he handed you back over practically without a fight." Edward paused then, thoughtful, almost disbelieving at his own explanation. "If he had killed me out there it would have been only too fair."

But I couldn't listen to this anymore. Sitting up abruptly, I placed both hands on either side of his face, forcing him to look at me. "It wouldn't have been fair to me," I told him, my voice low and meaningful, but he looked reluctant to that statement. "Bella," he began again, reaching up and taking my hands from his face as he lowered his eyes again, "whether you like it or not, I owe him my life. _More _than my life."

I wasn't giving up on something like this that easily. "Edward, listen to me." I took his face in my hands again. "Look at me." He looked up. "I could never, _never _bear to lose you over something as insignificant as nobility. You are _not _allowed to just give up like that. Do you understand?"

"Bella…" He began again, but this time I didn't let him finish.

"What's the second?" I asked quickly, distracting myself from the terrible, underlying truth. He raised one, perfect eyebrow, confused. "What?"

"You said there are two reasons you didn't kill him," I reminded him. "What's the second?"

He sighed. "I heard you screaming," he told me quietly, his eyes growing sad again. "I could hear it in your voice. You were frightened I was going to hurt him."

"I was frightened for _you_." I corrected quickly, astonished that he could possibly think I could ever chose Jake over him in a situation such as that. But I sighed then, calming myself before I continued. "Edward," I murmured, my voice so serious that it might have scared the most stable of vampires, "hear what I say." I paused for along moment, thinking my next statement through thoroughly before I verbalized it. "If it ever comes to that…a fight to the death between you and Jacob…"

"Bella…"

"_If_…it ever comes to that," I didn't give him the chance to finish, "…I would want you to kill Jacob."

Frightful silence hung in the air for several, excruciating seconds. Edward just stared at me, his eyes wide, unblinking. I rolled my last statement over in my mind several time. Yes, I was certain it was true. It was painful to say, but it was the God's honest truth. Finally, Edward seemed to find his voice again. "Bella," he waited to see if I would interrupt him again. I didn't, "I don't know if I could…if I could do that to you…"

I sighed, exasperated. I had to figure out a way of explaining this that he could understand. "You have to," I told him finally. "If you ended up killing Jacob someday in a fight…yes, of course I would be devastated. He's my best friend," I sighed a second time, "and I love him." I caught the agonizing flicker of betrayal that crossed Edward's eyes then and I quickly continued. "But if it were the other way around," my voice rose an octave and dropped in volume, tightening as though I were about to cry, "if Jacob killed you…for…" I shrugged and rolled my eyes, "whatever reason, you have no idea what that would do to me. I couldn't live through it, Edward. I can't live without you." I kissed him once quickly on the corner of his mouth before resting my cheek on his shoulder, closing my eyes and draping my arm protectively across his chest. "I love you," I whispered.

He was silent for a long moment. I felt him kiss my hair and then rest his cheek against it, wrapping his arms around me and holding me against his body again. "I saw into his mind you know," he said finally, his silky voice so low I almost didn't catch it. "He loves you."

I opened my eyes a sliver but didn't look up at him. For a moment I was concerned about _exactly _what he saw, but whatever it was didn't seem to have affected him too much, so I assumed it couldn't have been that bad. I raised my eyes to meet his, taking my head from his shoulder for just a moment. "More than you do?" I asked, trying to find a light-hearted way out of this. It worked. He smiled. "Not even close," he murmured, his lips inching toward mine again. For the billionth time since we'd met, every concern or worry of mine vanished into nothingness the moment our lips collided. I forgot everything with this still-new touch. I felt his lips part against mine and I followed the motion, kissing him more passionately when his fingers twisted into my hair, his free hand on my back, crushing me against him. I realized with a start that we had long since crossed cautious lines. The thought of never having to hold back again enticed me. I pressed myself eagerly against him, never wanted to let go.

I barely noticed when he lifted his back from the base of the armchair, pushing me, no, more like encouraging me gently to lie down. I didn't resist. Not in the slightest. I complied until I was lying on my back again on the floor, him still overtop of me as he continued to kiss my lips relentlessly…

"Hey, hey, hey!" The voice startled us, even Edward as he bolted into an upright position, freeing me from underneath him. "None of that." Emmett's booming laugh made us both sigh irritably as he and Rosalie entered the room hand-in-hand. I wondered momentarily why Edward hadn't 'heard' his brother coming, but then again, I supposed he must have tuned out everything unimportant in a moment such as that.

I tilted my head back on the carpet just enough to get an eyeful of Emmett's massive frame. It appeared upside-down to me, but it was there, grinning like a maniac. "What do you want, Emmett?" I laughed before Edward could as he pulled me to my feet so I could look at his brother right-side-up.

Emmett sighed defeatedly, realizing he may not have been as welcome as he'd thought. "Tanya's coming down in a minute," he informed us. "She wants to have some sort of celebration." He shrugged his immense shoulders, indicating that this was the extent of his knowledge on the subject. Still, Edward didn't seem satisfied with this. He raised his eyebrows inquiringly. "Celebration of what?" He demanded, suddenly suspicious, but Emmett only shrugged again. "Maybe Bella's change?" He suggested practically, but now my eyes flew from Edward's face to his brother's. _No way. _I was _not _going to let them have a party over me.

"Oh, come on," I murmured when I reasoned with the possibilities, "I'm not _that _special am I?"

Edward grinned down at me then though, parting his lips to say something when I was abruptly hit from the front by a staggering blow of some kind. Then I was upside-down again. "Aw, you're special to us, sis!" That's when I realized what had happened.

"Emmett, put me down!" I demanded in a voice barely below a scream as he hoisted me into a fireman's carry and twirled me in a tight circle. "Put me down right now!" I could feel his shoulder shake violently beneath my waist as his booming laugh filled the room again. I had to admit, I myself was only half-serious as I screamed again. My voice was just on the edge of laughter as well.

Emmett had only taken a step in the direction of the center of the living room when another voice chimed in from behind us. "Well," it rang, "I can see everyone is already having fun in here."

I raised my head, twisting my neck at an awkward angle so I could look up at the owner of the voice, although I was certain I already knew who it was. "Tanya, help me!" I cried in mock-desperation as I noted her slight figure in the doorway to the staircase – the same entrance in which Rosalie and Emmett had appeared.

She laughed. It was a light-hearted, glorious sound that reminded me of the choir in church. "Emmett, put her down." She ordered gently, her voice amused as I was dropped abruptly back on my feet. I resented the fact that my brother-in-law-to-be of sorts refused to listen to me, but the moment Tanya gave him an order he was all ears. I shot him a dark look as I tucked a few strands of my hair behind my ears on either side of my face (they'd strayed as a result of the fireman's carry display). He laughed again.

Edward was the one to speak next. He hadn't moved from his spot by the chair. "So, what's this all about?" He demanded after a moment. Carlisle, Esme and Jasper had appeared in the doorway now as well, no doubt hearing the commotion and arriving to investigate their children's behavior. Only when I glanced to the other side of the room did I realize that Carmen, Eleazar, Irina and Kate were here too. I started. I hadn't even noticed them coming in. Then again, I supposed there was no need in beating myself up over this fact. They were all impossibly quiet, and graceful. Edward probably hadn't even heard them.

They stopped half-way in from the doorway leading outside. I grinned a greeting and they waved.

"Well," Tanya shrugged as innocently as she could, "I just thought that it would be nice to have some fun tonight," she explained. "You all look like you could use a bit of fun. And it's certainly been a while since we've had guests."

It couldn't have been too long, I reasoned. But then again, Tanya struck me as the party-girl type. It wasn't difficult to see how much she liked to have fun.

The evening was a blur after that. I would later say that I hardly remembered it happening at all. It all moved so quickly. Of course, I supposed the old saying was true: time truly did fly when you were having fun. Truth be told, I had been concerned about staying awake all night. I was afraid I might eventually get bored or so tired that I couldn't think, but I wouldn't be able to sleep. After all, more than a year ago Edward used to watch me sleep all night, supposedly because he had nothing better to do.

But tonight was nothing like I had expected. We sat in the living area for hours, talking. Eleazar sparked a fire in the fireplace and I watched the flames dance almost cheerfully off the wood as I sat in Edward's lap in the armchair again, facing the rest of the living room this time. Tanya practically forced me to tell her everything about myself, from kindergarten up to this very moment. For a while I was concerned I may have been boring everyone, but she forced me to go on, saying that they were enthrallingly interested. (It had been a while since they'd had the chance to converse with someone who recalled being human so well). After a while I started hearing stories instead of telling them. Some hysterically funny. Some sad. But all about various members of the Cullen family or Tanya's. I tried to see these memories for myself while they were being told. And to my surprise, I did manage a couple of brief flashes without any physical contact, but nothing particularly interpretable. Eventually though, I gave up for the night. Tired of working for my laughs.

Finally, though, I forced the spotlight upon them instead. I found out plenty. Eleazar and Carmen were mates, both changed around the same time and both spending centuries together here afterwards. Only Kate and Eleazar had palpable gifts, like Edward's or my own. Tanya's power was easily discovered when she stood at the piano as Edward began playing again. Her singing voice was even more entrancing than the voice she used in which to speak. It was impossible not to listen to once she started. She sang songs that I had never heard before. Songs she simply had to have written herself. Not even the most prominent rock stars could come up with lyrics that enticing. It made me wonder why some vampires didn't make good use of their talents. Why didn't Edward play the piano professionally or Emmett be a football star? Then again, I supposed that question was easily answered. All vampires preferred to stay in the background, inconspicuous. And they certainly didn't need the money. Still, sometimes it seemed like the ultimate waist when I heard the devastatingly beautiful music flowing from Tanya's lips or the surprisingly complex piano compositions that Edward played.

Of course this didn't deter me from listening. Suddenly though, the music took a drastic turn for the high-spirited nature. It rose into fast-moving rapids of catchy tunes and Tanya glanced in the direction of the love seat from where she stood by the piano. "Come on, Carlisle, Esme?" She laughed between verses. "Don't you recognize dance music when you hear it?"

As I watched, they exchanged a brief, uncertain glance and then Carlisle took his wife's hand in his own and pulled her up from the cushions. I applauded my encouragement. This was definitely something I wanted to see. Then they were dancing. The music softened again. It became suddenly enchanting, still danceable, but more haunting, enticing. I watched Esme twirl around her husband in the center of the room with a grace that could only come from experience. It was something that was so perfectly in tune to every step, something that made your heart beat so fast – if you had one – that you had to remind yourself to breathe while you watched. I remembered the prom that night so many months ago. I remembered seeing Rosalie and Emmett, Jasper and Alice on the dance floor, clearing it with their motions. So…graceful. None of the other students had dared embarrass themselves by following them. They were incredible.

But this was different. Seeing Carlisle and Esme do it was something else all together. They danced with a genuine, rhythmic joy. It was ancient in style and yet so new. I could swear I saw some tango moves. A little waltz perhaps. But more complex than both put together. His hands on her tiny waist, her hair billowing around her as she spun and twirled and dipped in his arms. Their every step was confident, not a toe was placed to the ground with even a shred of self-consciousness. But it was the look in their eyes that caught my attention the most. Their golden gazes were focused on only each other, like there was no one else even close to being in the room. Or in the world.

Only then did I notice Emmett and Rosalie copying the motions of their parents almost to a tee. But even they couldn't mimic the loving embrace that I was seeing from two vampires that had been in love for so long. Never dying. Never growing old. I was beginning to see in Carlisle and Esme colors that had never come out before. Expressions brought forth, I supposed, by our distant, remote escape from the real world. They weren't as withdrawn and reserved about their love, both for their children and each other. I was beginning to see in them a mirror of myself and Edward someday. What we might be like. Of course, if I could reach even half-way to Esme's respectable standards, I would consider myself one of the most wonderful vampires the world has ever seen, besides Esme herself of course.

Tanya had stopped singing now. It was only the piano's notes that continued to fill the room as she bent down and whispered something in Edward's ear at the piano bench. I hadn't a chance of hearing from where I sat, but I knew that whatever it was was destined to be played out at my expense.

She took over the piano, picking up the keys effortlessly and without missing a beat as Edward stood and made his way over to where I still sat in the armchair. I knew exactly what he was going to say before he said it. Outstretching his hand to me, he smiled that crooked, irresistible smile that I could never quite seem to say no to. "May I have this dance?"

I looked up at him, my expression reluctant despite how badly I knew I wanted to comply with his request. I wanted to more than anything in the world at the moment. He was so…beautiful. He raised one perfect eyebrow pleadingly. "Edward, you know I can't dance." The truth was, I had done it before and knew I probably could, but the thought of following Carlisle and Esme sent be scrambling for cover from the inevitable humiliation.

"I think you can," he murmured in a volume that was just above the still-vibrant music, his tone even more irresistible than his smile. "You just don't know it yet."

I thought about this for a long moment. _Look at where you are, _a voice inside my head whispered to me, making the temptation almost unbearable. _Look at who you're with. Don't waste the opportunity. _Someone had once told me that opportunity is like an unlocked door. You can try the knob and discover that it's open, and therefore discover the riches that lay behind it, or you can simply assume it's locked or at least guards nothing worth discovering and carry on. Either is a respectable enough decision, but if you simply carry on, you'll never know what might have lay behind that door, and you'll never know how it could have affected your life for the better.

Sighing finally, I took his hand. _What the hell? _I shrugged mentally and followed him onto the make-shift dance floor. It was worth a try at least, wasn't it? At first the motion was gentle, as though just testing the waters. And to my astonishment, I didn't trip over myself or stumble or fall flat on my face! In fact, it was very easy. We danced faster, catching up with the music and letting it carry us into a graceful, exhilarating torrent of motion. For a while I stared at my feet, concentrating on the placement on them. Edward led. I followed. This made everything much easier. It almost came naturally.

I raised my eyes to Edward's face and he was smiling. He winked at me once before spinning me out at arm's length and then reeling me back in not unlike a fishing line. I spun twice before my back met his chest with the most graceful of collisions. My free hand fell into his and now, with his arms around me, he dipped me so low to the ground that if I hadn't been having so much fun, I would have been afraid for my life. His lips kissed my neck briefly before he pulled me back up to my full height. My hair cascaded beautifully over my shoulders with the sudden motion and we continued to spin, twirling around as though there had never been a problem with the world.

I was having too much fun, if that were possible. Edward was such a graceful mover. He never let go of me. Not for anything. His eyes were focused only on me as I laughed and twirled and played and leapt. I never wanted to stop. It seemed I was entranced with the ease of it all. From an outside point of view, I supposed it might look like a professional dance. I could feel the motions from Edward's body as he hurled me gingerly around him, never letting me hit anything. Never letting me fall. Before long the world faded away and it was only us. Adrenalin mixed with the venom in my veins. I could feel it rushing past my ears, making my head swim exuberantly. The entire dance was ecstasy in its purest form. Music surged around us.

Needless to say, I was more than disappointed when the song crashed to a finale that only excited me more, but I was still laughing when Edward picked me up effortlessly in his arms as though I weighed nothing at all and tossed me gracefully onto the couch. Then he was there, laughing with me, clearly just as ecstatic as I was. No one seemed to notice we'd stopped, which I was glad for. The next song started and Carmen and Eleazar were on the dance floor, moving with a grace that I didn't even want to think about let alone watch.

Still laughing, although more quietly now, I rested my forehead against Edward's as he knelt on the floor next to me. I still lay, stretched out on the couch cushions, unable to bring myself to move from that spot in the slightest. "Have you ever done anything like that before?" I asked, curious when the laughter finally subsided enough for me to speak. He chuckled knowingly. "Once," he replied sheepishly. "With Esme."

I started laughing all over again. I barely noticed when he got up from my side and made his way back over to the piano. He retook his place where Tanya sat and she made her way over to the loveseat where Carlisle and Esme had just reseated themselves. Bending low over them both, she looked at Esme pleadingly. "Esme, would you mind terribly if I borrowed him for a dance?" She nodded in Carlisle's general direction and winked, the smile on her features more friendly and enjoyable than I had ever seen it.

Esme laughed and nodded dismissively. "Of course, dear."

That said, Tanya grasped Carlisle's hand with excitable force and dragged him onto the dance floor, the both of them laughing delightedly as they began their own dance. I glanced over to the armchair on the other side of the room and noted Irina seated on the arm next to Jasper, no doubt asking him to grant her a quick dance as well. I could just barely hear them. He looked reluctant. "I don't know," he was saying quietly, "I don't really dance…"

This wasn't true in the least of course, but it was understandable enough that he didn't feel like it. Still, Irina looked persistent. "Humor me." She laughed as she stretched out her hand to Jasper in offering. As I watched, he sighed finally and took it. _Yes, _I thought. He deserved to have some fun. He couldn't just sit in a corner by himself forever after all. I wanted him to enjoy himself as much as anyone else.

I watched them dance. Then something happened to Jasper that I never believed I would see. He laughed. He actually laughed, joining the chorus of everyone else already. And for the first time in a long time, the room was filled with nothing but music, and laughter.

**Author's Note: Still not the end!**


	34. Chapter 34: The Catalyst

**Chapter 34: The Catalyst**

Days drifted by like the smoldering waves of summer heat. Without the commitment of school or Charlie or a job…or eating or sleeping, it was difficult to discern days from nights. I had to look at a calendar to keep track of how long I had been in Denali. Time was simply passing far too quickly. It seemed only hours after we arrived that I glanced yet again at the calendar on the wall in the kitchen, only to find we had been there a week already.

Tanya and her family left. We said goodbye within the first couple of days. They were needed in Africa sooner than they'd originally thought. I wondered if they would be going to the same place Emmett and Rosalie so often disappeared to. Like when they 'graduated' from high school.

That didn't matter of course. Either way, we were left alone again. The house seemed huge without Tanya there. Empty and baron. It almost felt as though there should be white sheets draped over everything. The life had simply gone out of it. But we did our best to maintain the fun that she had somehow managed to bring to our dreary and over-dramatized family. Sometimes I felt as though I were watching a soap opera without a television when I looked at the Cullens. Fortunately though, we tried our hardest not to let ourselves get hung up on the bad things. To keep the increasingly evident fear that was rising up inside of us at bay, just enough to keep smiling.

I liked Denali. No place in the world – certainly that _I'd _ever been to anyway – could truly compare to the crests upon crests of snow-capped mountains that decorated the horizon in every direction, or the waterfalls or springs or forests. It truly was incredible in the summertime. I let it lift my spirits without hesitation. At first it was easy. Finding something at which to smile. But soon we began to find ourselves having to look much harder for something, _anything _to lift our spirits. Not even the mountain sunsets seemed to do the trick anymore.

Edward took me hunting again. This time, though, as thirsty as I was, I was sustained enough to watch and then perform a kill myself. It felt strange at first, seeing Edward move like a ravenous wild animal, like I was invading on something that someone who loved him so much was never meant to see. I found the Cullens to be more than correct as I watched this; Edward _was _like a lion in many respects. My own kill was more easily dealt with. I simply let down all barriers of control and allowed the thirst to take over. I didn't even remember killing the animal later. It was as though I blacked out and instincts simply took care of the rest.

I continued work with Edward on my 'gift', although I had to admit, I was getting bored with it. I had to find something more interesting to see. Eventually the only things left in Edward's mind – that he was willing to show me – were things I had already seen myself anyway. Things from the time in which we spent together. As interesting as this was to see again for the second or third time, I was beginning to wonder if my talents would ever really be put to good use.

It took another week before we really started to get worried. The source of our concern wasn't difficult to interpret: Alice hadn't shown up yet. Carlisle had been so sure of her inevitable arrival that none of us had had a second thought on the matter. We'd carried on, having fun and conversing, hunting and playing…and waiting. But all too suddenly the realization hit us that we had been waiting an awfully long time.

"Where is she, Carlisle?" Esme finally asked of her husband one day as she peered out of the picture window in the front living room, her worrisome, motherly eyes scanning every possible point of land from the horizon all the way up to the house itself. It was clear though, that no matter how much she looked, she wasn't going to find what she was looking for. "Shouldn't she be here by now?" She finally turned her ochre eyes on Carlisle, who sat stiffly in one of the armchairs, watching Esme with loving and equally concerned eyes, although he managed to hide it surprisingly well.

Sighing, Carlisle leaned forward and rested his elbows across his knees in a distraught, but still composed motion. "It hasn't been that long." He attempted to comfort her with his words, but Emmett, who sat with Rosalie on the couch opposite Edward and I piped up then.

"It's been two weeks!" He exclaimed, clearly astonishing himself all over again with his own statement.

Across the room, I withheld a sigh. Two weeks. No matter what method of transportation Alice could have chosen, she still would have been here by now if everything had gone according to plan. I had to side with Esme on this one. Where was she? Suddenly a thought entered my mind, but Rosalie got there first.

"The Quileutes," she stated simply, her tone suggesting the forthcoming of a horrible realization. She stood from the couch, her stance suddenly rigid with concern. "You don't think she went back to Forks and…"

"No." Carlisle's voice was firm, as though he wasn't even going to allow such talk. "She's too smart for that," he went on seriously. "She wouldn't have gone back to Forks. I know it. She would have seen…"

"Then where is she?" Edward's normally gentle voice was so sharp next to me that it caused me to jump.

Carlisle sighed for what seemed like the thousandth time. It was clear that he was tiring of fighting off the only too-realistic assumptions of his other children. I got the feeling from merely his tone of voice that he was close to giving up. "Nothing has happened to Alice," he assured us, his voice still impossibly calm despite the situation.

Rosalie sat back on the couch now, taking up one of the decorative cushions in her arms and clutching it defensively to her chest. This stirred strange emotions for Rosalie in me. To me she suddenly looked like nothing more than a small, frightened child, desperate for salvation from the dark. "You don't know that," she murmured so quietly in reply that we couldn't be sure if anyone but Emmett was meant to hear. He draped one, huge, bear-like arm across her shoulders and clutched her to him the same way she was clutching that pillow. It was easy enough to see who was Emmett's salvation from the dark.

"Maybe we should go look for her," Esme chimed in again, her voice tight, sounding as though she might be crying if she could. "She could be in trouble."

Carlisle looked at his wife meaningfully and opened his mouth to say something in return, but, before he could, Edward's voice interrupted again.

"I think that's a good idea," he agreed quickly, his voice dead serious. "What if she needs our help?"

But Carlisle's answering voice was sharp when he finally did get the chance to speak. "No one is going anywhere!" He thundered all too suddenly, clearly far too emotionally exhausted to control his temper any longer. Truth be told, I had never even been aware that Carlisle _had _a temper at all.

All eyes were on him for a long moment, questioning. Finally, he composed himself enough to explain, but there was a sting of denial in his smooth voice that pained us all to hear. "Alice is fine," he told us quietly. "She's on her way. There is no reason to think otherwise. Nobody needs to endanger themselves by going out to look for her. It will only waste your time and…possibly your life."

"But Carlisle…"

"We're done discussing this." Carlisle cut off Emmett before he could finish and stood from where he sat in the armchair. Making his way over to his wife, he encircled her tiny shoulders in his arms, allowing her to burry her pretty face momentarily in his chest. "It's upsetting your mother," he finished pointedly, glancing meaningfully in his son's direction as he held her.

But it was clear enough that Esme wasn't the only one who was upset. Although he was clearly doing his best to hide it, I had never seen Carlisle so distraught before. It was unnerving to think that the strongest one out of all of us was beginning to go to pieces right before our eyes.

Alice's parents weren't the only ones disturbed by her absence, however. I especially was beginning to feel a sense of loss that surged up with every day that passed without her being there. When was I going to see her again? I remembered all those months she'd spent helping me recover from my injury that had been sustained in Phoenix that spring. She'd helped get me ready for the prom, and my engagement night. She'd taken me shopping and done my make-up and when every one of the Cullens seemed to have long since abandoned me, she was the one who showed up at my house that day, thinking I was dead. She wanted to help Charlie, I remembered. She had no idea I was about to walk through the front door only to go to pieces for the first time in months in her arms. I missed her. If anything had happened to her…I didn't let myself finish the thought.

Jasper stood on the other side of the room, practically invisible to everyone else as he stared blankly out one of the other hundreds of windows that illuminated this magnificent place. His eyes were sadder than I had ever seen them. I would have thought he were a statue if I hadn't known better. He stood impossibly still, like there would never be life in him again. I thought someone should go talk to him, but then I recalled the time in which I had spent apart from Edward and, unhealthy as it was, the last thing I wanted to do was talk to anyone. No one really understood and talking about it only caused the pain to escalate an unbearable amount. I decided I would leave him be for the moment, at least until the outcome of all this was in sight. If it was bad – the thought practically scorched the inside of my head and heart – then someone would simply have to talk to him. We couldn't simply ignore a matter as crushing as that would be to him.

But we didn't know that it would have to be that way just yet. So I thought it best to leave him be. Perhaps if someone had cared enough to leave me be I would have been able to come to terms with everything on my own. I wouldn't have had to deal with the sickening pain of someone trying to shove good spirits down my throat.

The day crawled by. It seemed everyone was pretending not to notice when the sun sank beyond the horizon for the umpteenth time with no developments on the matter at hand. Again, Alice didn't show up. Again, the spirits of the family plunged a little more into the darkness that followed twilight.

Slowly, the family dispersed. Emmett and Rosalie were the first to disappear. I didn't notice where exactly they'd gone off too – simply away from the sorrow hanging over everyone in the living room, I would imagine. After a while Jasper was gone too; again, I didn't notice when or where he had gone. He was just there one moment and gone the next when I looked up from the fire that was blazing in Tanya's fireplace. As I watched the flames dance radiantly over the huge logs that could fit in there, I wondered if it really mattered what had started them. Did anyone really care which spark had caused the wood to ignite? Or did they care more about the person who'd sparked it? Did they care at all? Or were the flames really all that mattered now?

I could feel the heat baking from them as I watched, unable to tear my eyes away even as they began to burn as a result of the intense heat and light. Truth be told, I didn't care. I just wanted to watch the flames. When Carlisle spoke again it was so sudden it made us all start. His voice, however soft, sounded startlingly loud in the heavy silence that had been occupying the air for so long now. My eyes snapped away from the fire.

"Well, I'm going for a walk," he informed everyone, a hint of spontaneity hanging over the statement. "Are you coming?" He looked down at his wife questioningly, one perfect eyebrow raised in a pleading expression. But she merely shook her head. He turned his eyes on us. "Kids?"

Edward looked at me inquiringly and I could see from the hope dancing in his deep, honey eyes that he wanted to go. He seemed desperate for any form of a distraction. Any at all. But I merely sighed. "You go," I told him gently. "I don't really feel like it."

But he seemed discouraged from the idea now. "Are you sure?" He asked, clearly concerned at the idea of leaving me here without him, but I nodded. I had to force the tiniest of smiles on my lips.

"Yes," I urged. "Go. It'll be good for you. You and Carlisle can talk."

He sighed after a long moment. I could tell he didn't want to leave me, but he wanted so badly to stand or walk or talk…or _anything_. Finally, he seemed to make his decision. "Will you be okay here by yourself?" He asked quietly, sounding far too much like Charlie suddenly for my liking. But this only made me want him to go more. I nodded.

"And I won't be by myself," I added pointedly. "Esme will be here."

Edward smiled now, clearly glad I had chosen to take such an optimistic frame of mind. He touched his lips quickly to my cheek before standing from the couch we were seated on. He grinned back at me only once before I watched him follow Carlisle through the doorway leading to outside.

"Don't go too far!" Esme called just before the door slammed shut behind them, leaving the two of us alone in the living room.

I turned my eyes back to the fire, wondering again about the catalyst before Esme spoke, pulling my attention away from the scorching flames for the second time. "How are you holding up, dear?" She asked me kindly, her voice sweet and her expression gentle as her ochre eyes found me from where she sat across the room in the loveseat.

I felt I was simply too drained to bother altering my expression, so I left it unreadable, like stone as I looked up at her. "Oh, I'm fine," I assured her softly, my voice sounding hoarse from the silence that had bound it for so long. "It's yourself you should be worried about. Are _you _alright?"

Esme's eyes broke contact from mine then and she trained her gaze on the flames as well, no smile crossing her usually cheerful lips. "It brings back a lot of bad memories," she admitted softly and for the briefest moment I was certain I caught a flash of a tiny baby, wrapped protectively in the softest looking blanket in Esme's arms. I heard it cry.

"Do you remember a lot from the time before you were changed?" I asked, more curious than desperate for a distraction, although I was – understandably – that as well.

Esme breathed a deep sigh. Finally, she met my gaze again. "Yes," she told me seriously and, for a moment, the only sound that filled the room was the soft crackle of the fire. "I do," she continued finally. "It's difficult to understand, but I recall much more than any of my children, or even Carlisle. Edward, I think, remembers the most besides me and even that isn't much. His memories are very vague, as are everyone else's, but mine…" she paused, shaking her head incredulously. "Mine are very vivid. Carlisle says it has something to do with my time as a human being so traumatic."

I looked at her, startled now. Traumatic? I knew she had lost a child, but, was that enough to keep a vampire of all things dwelling on her past? I supposed it must. Still, I decided I wouldn't press such a delicate matter. Instead I focused my attention on helping Esme come to terms with it. "What do _you _say?" I asked, still curious to an undignified extent.

She looked impartial to my curiosity. It was clear she didn't mind the questioning. This particular question seemed be targeted for her benefit, after all. "I think he's right in a way," she replied, her voice gentle as a small smile crossed her features at the thought of her husband. "His heart is in the right place," she sighed. "He's always done everything in his power to make sure I'm happy. And I'm grateful for that. It's a big part of the reason I love him so much."

I raised one eyebrow, still forwardly inquisitive. "So why do _you _think you remember your human time so well?"

Her answer was simple. She didn't hesitate. "Because that's when I met Carlisle," she told me certainly, her voice confident that this was the reason. I couldn't help but let my mind drift to the status of Edward and myself. I had, after all, met him long before I was ever changed. And I hadn't forgotten those times in the least. Perhaps Esme had a point. Perhaps if you loved someone enough, you would never forget them or the time you spent with them, no matter the odds.

"Esme, I owe you an apology," I sighed finally after a long moment of silent thinking.

Her features rearranged themselves now into a mask of perplexed wonderment. "What for, dear?" She asked, her voice still painfully good-natured for what I was about to say.

"It's my fault Alice is gone," I explained quickly, continuing before she could interrupt me. "It's my fault you were nearly all killed in the fire and it's my fault that we had to drive all the way out here to escape from a war that should have never been started." I paused. "If it weren't for me, none of this would have happened." My tone was filled with agonizing distain for myself as I said this.

But now Esme stood from where she sat on the loveseat. Gliding quickly across the room, she seated herself next to me on the couch. "Bella," she breathed seriously as she hit the cushions next to me, barely heavy enough for me to even feel the vibrations, "you can't go blaming yourself for everything that's happened. You are a sweet, smart, wonderful young woman and there isn't anything in the world I would trade for knowing you."

But this made me raise one eyebrow skeptically. I made it clear I didn't believe her. "Are you saying," I began, my voice heavy, "that if you could go back in time and avoid all of this mess simply by never accepting me into your lives…you'd do it anyway?"

Esme was silent for a long moment, but her expression was unthinking. She paused only to gain my trust. "Yes," she whispered finally. "That's exactly what I'm saying."

I looked at her incredulously. That wasn't right. That wasn't right at all. I couldn't possibly allow her to think that _I _was worth all of this trouble. But she didn't quite seem to see my side of it. She touched the side of my face with the gentlest of pressures beneath her fingertips, stroking my chin with her thumb affectionately as she spoke. "You didn't do anything wrong, Bella," she told me quietly, a kind smile playing on her lips. "You have to believe that. You didn't ask for any of this. You fell in love and that was all you knew at the time. This isn't your fault."

She paused, sighing as she dropped her hand from my face. "And besides," she pressed on in a lighter voice, "even if you _were _the catalyst in all this, maybe I'm glad for it."

I looked at her, shocked.

"Sometimes a catalyst can be a good thing," she explained, her voice still unbearably kind. "It can set in motion a course of events that can change your life forever. For instance, do you remember what the catalyst was that led to you falling in love with Edward?"

Startled by her question, I suddenly had to think back…hard. What was it? All too suddenly, I realized I couldn't pinpoint the exact thing that had caused it. How far back did I have to go? Was it the time I had dropped my books in biology class? Or the day our science teacher decided we were going to take samples of our own blood? Or was it the day my father had gotten up early to put snow chains on the tires of my truck, causing me to later bend down to inspect them in the school parking lot, and therefore placing me directly in the path of Tyler Crowley's out-of-control vehicle? Or did it branch all the way back to me hugging my mother goodbye in the airport in Phoenix? Whatever it was, I couldn't pinpoint it exactly.

"You see?" Esme questioned suddenly, drawing my mind back to the present. "There's no way of knowing exactly where it started." It was clear she'd practically read my mind through my thoughtful silence. She saw straight through to my impending uncertainty. "But if you could go back and change any of it, perhaps to avoid any of this," she gestured around her at Tanya's immense living room, "would you?"

I looked up at her now, forgetting my previous concentration on my own personal catalyst. Now I had a new question to answer. And this one was easy. "No." There was nothing in the world that could make me want to go back in time and miss meeting Edward. I thought of how miserable my life would be without him. I would probably be in Florida right now with Renee, long since sick of rainy, dreary Forks. I would have never found the beauty in the town. And there was nothing I would trade for that. Nothing could ever make me not want Edward.

I looked at Esme again, the curiosity coming back into my eyes. "Do you remember what started you down the path to meeting Carlisle?" I asked, intrigued by the notion.

Esme nodded. "Oh yes," she replied simply, a bitter-sweet smile crossing her features. I had a thought then. The matter interested me so much, I thought that perhaps I would like to see it for myself instead of her telling me. It felt out of place for me to ask permission, but I felt that was my only option. I couldn't just invade on her mind like that without at least asking politely first.

"Do you mind if I…?" I let my voice trail off implyingly as I raised one hand, my intent coming clear in the action. Esme knew about my 'gift'. They all did by now and were really quite supportive of it. In fact I would be surprised if Esme said no to the suggestion.

"Of course I don't mind, dear." She cooed softly, taking my hand gently in her own. I still hadn't quite gotten used to the warmth of their touch yet. I was so used to it being cold…but then again, _I _was the cold one now. I only had to concentrate for a moment, but the visions were coming more easily now on command. I focused my gaze on Esme's honey eyes, staring into them with a depth that reached behind them to her very soul. There I saw the day that had been the catalyst for her…

_It was a field of some kind. Wheat maybe. It was large and empty, a vast stretch of uninhabited land. It looked as though it belonged to a nearby farmer. It was clearly meant for harvesting. There was only a single tree in the very center of the field, promising the provision of cooling shade from the late afternoon sun. It looked terribly hot…_

_The field was empty with the exception of this tree…and two girls, both looking to be a couple of years younger than myself. One stood on the ground, one hand firmly on her hip and the other shielding her eyes from the baking sun as she peered up at her friend in the tree. Both were dressed in such strange attire…it took me a moment to recognize it as dress belonging to the reign of the 1900's era. Maybe 1910 or '11. They were clad in white, ankle-length dresses that looked to be far too formal to be of modern wear. The very style of them confirmed by suspicions: this memory was almost a century old._

_The girl on the ground beneath the tree looked anxious about something. Her face was twisted in a nervous, guilty expression, as though she knew she was in the middle of breaking far too many rules for her own peace of mind. "We shouldn't be out here!" She called up to her friend in the tree, who merely laughed light-heartedly. This laugh caught my attention. I recognized it._

_I focused on the girl in the tree now. She stood, teetering precariously on a branch that looked far too thin to hold even her very slight weight. Holding both, formally-gloved arms out on either side of her, she swayed, grinning even as she lost her balance ever so slightly. She had a wilder look about her than her friend on the ground. Like she appreciated the all-too misunderstood notion of adventure at that particular time in the world. Like she was getting some sort of thrill out of rebelling and having fun._

_But none of this was truly what I noticed. There was something about her. Something…very familiar. Her features reminded me of someone I knew quite well, but they were different somehow, more human and more innocent. Younger and even a little tanned with the summer sun. This threw me off. She was beyond recognition._

_"Esme, you're going to fall!" The girl on the ground called, concern coloring her careful tone. _Esme? _The friendship between the two of them was easily deciphered: the girl in the tree – Esme – was the wilder one. She enjoyed having fun and escaping the formalities of their lives as woman in the early twentieth century. It was strange to see her like this. She had truly changed over the last hundred or so years. I just barely recognized her. She was so…young. About sixteen, I would say. Ten years younger than her human form was the day I met her…and still was today. But her hair was the same, I noted as she tore her fancy, white sun hat from her head and tossed it down to her friend. This was about the only thing that was the same though. Even her face was different. Still pretty, but different. Like a child's rather than a woman's. Innocent._

_Her friend was the worrisome one. The one who was always afraid of keeping the apparently wild Esme under control so they didn't both get into trouble._

_"You worry too much." Her voice was just barely the same. The sound hadn't changed. But the tone was very different. It was carefree, like nothing in the world could touch her. She laughed as one extension of the branch she was standing on snapped and crashed lightly to the ground. _

_"Esme!" Her friend squealed, but as Esme fell forward she clutched the solid part of the branch under her feet and laughed masochistically as she regained her balance. _

_Her friend trembled from the experience, but managed to compose herself enough to speak again. "Esme," she tried to reason with her yet again, "if old Mr. Price catches us out here…" She sounded like she was on the verge of tears. She glanced around herself nervously and I realized that Mr. Price must have been the owner of the farm in which they were playing._

_"He won't," Esme interrupted, standing to her full height again._

_Her friend looked overly distraught now. "Will you please just come down from there?" She begged desperately. "They're going to miss us at the party!"_

_That explained the formal wear. It seemed they had escaped from a tea party of some kind._

_Esme laughed again. "Why should I come down, then?" She demanded, still amused by her friend's antics. "So I can waste away the rest of the evening conversing with a pack of stuffy, old windbags?"_

_"Esme!" Her friend's tone was scolding, disapproving._

_She laughed again. "Alright, alright," she sighed as she made to get down out of the tree. "Stop your fussing." It all seemed to happen very quickly then. As Esme stepped down onto a branch even thinner than the one that had been just barely supporting her moments before, her grip on the trunk wavered, her fingers slipping in a rough and painful looking motion from the grooves in the bark. The piercing scream that escaped her lips as she fell must have carried for miles…_

_Her friend's frightened voice could just barely be heard over it. "Oh my goodness!" She exclaimed as she rushed over to her fallen ally. "Esme!" She reached her friend's side and dropped to her knees on the ground next to her, dirtying the bottom brim of her formal, crisp-white attire. "Esme, can you hear me?" Her voice was panicked, but the other girl didn't respond. She looked to be unconscious and her face was quickly paling to chalk-whiteness. Her leg was twisted at the most awkward of angles…_

_"Esme?" Tears streamed over the other girl's frightened features as she realized her friend wasn't going to come to. She glanced around, frantic. "Help!" She screamed into the surrounding forests and fields, although her young voice was choked with panicked sobs. "Somebody help me!" _

It was harder to snap out of this one. It lingered in my mind's eye even as my vision and hearing was returned to the present. I shook my head once…twice, doing my best to clear my head as I looked at Esme's older and somehow more beautiful face. Finally, I found my voice again, managing to let go of the vision at last. "That was your catalyst?" I croaked after a long moment, uncertain as to the correct means of response to this.

She nodded. "Yes, it was," she replied quietly, her eyes still far away, remembering. But then they turned back to me and they brightened suddenly with a happier recollection. "I got to the hospital that night," she continued, her voice not as sad anymore as she spoke, "and the local doctor was out of town. Guess who treated me."

I grinned, not at all puzzled by the question. Lowering my eyes to the cushions momentarily, I breathed a quiet laugh. "Carlisle." It wasn't a question. I knew.

But she nodded just the same. "That's right," she confirmed, beaming herself at the memory.

I looked back up at her now, suddenly confused. "So, wait," I paused, thinking, "you were only…how old when you met him?"

Her answer was quick, clearly easily thought of. "Sixteen," she responded, her voice airy as she thought back over the years. Then she laughed and I could pick out the resemblance to her human self easily. "Sarah and I thought he was just about the cutest doctor in all of Ohio."

I laughed too. "Sarah?" I asked, confused.

"My friend," she explained quickly.

I nodded. "Right," I sighed, deep in thought again. "But you didn't marry him until…"

"Oh, I didn't marry him until long after I was changed," she confirmed hastily. "Over a decade later. I married…someone else first." Her voice darkened as she spoke now. "Someone not of my own choosing."

I was certain I could almost literally see the ghosts of her past haunting her ochre eyes then. I was dangerously close to seeing far more than I was meant to. I quickly let go of her hand. The echoes in my head stopped. "You don't have to tell me about that, Esme," I assured her gently, lowering my eyes to the cushions again. But, to my surprise, she took up my hand a second time and, with her free hand lifted my chin so I was looking in her eyes again.

"No," she crooned softly. "You're right. I don't. I'd rather you saw it for yourself…" Her voice drifted away before the sentence was even completed. I had never done this twice in a row before. I could feel exhaustion itching at the edges of my mind, but I pushed past it, eager to know…

_I had to push this vision to make it continue, but I managed it well enough. For some reason I couldn't stop the curiosity from influencing my actions, even if this was something I wasn't entirely certain I was entitled to see._

_She was alone, standing in a large, white room that looked as though it belonged in a mansion of sorts, no doubt under wealthy ownership. Her face was concerned. No. More than that. Frightened. There was a genuine fear in her eyes that I had never seen before. What could possibly frighten someone as gentle and wise as Esme Cullen? But then, as I looked at her face, I supposed she wasn't a Cullen yet. She was still human. I could see that. She stood in another of the long, white dresses that marked the era of the early twentieth century. Her features had aged, but just barely. She still looked slightly younger than she did now._

_But I was able to pick out something else in her face as well. Something…different. It was a longing, a sadness…a fear. A desperation. As though she needed salvation from something desperately but didn't know how to get it. She looked confused and tired as well, like she needed help but didn't know where to look for it. That's when _he _came in._

_I figured it out right away. The way he strode toward her with that ruthless, purposeful stride, like he knew exactly what he was going to do and how to do it. She shrunk back, a motion that surprised me as much as her human face did. She was scared of him. He shouted something at her. Something about only having to sit quietly at a party of some kind. "But you couldn't do that, could you?" He thundered, wracking the entire room with his booming voice. "You couldn't just sit nicely and keep your mouth shut like I told you!"_

_I mentally cringed at this. What was he talking about? But something told me I already knew. That's when his hand spoke for him. It snapped out at a vicious speed, catching Esme cleanly across the face. She cried out. Fell. I wanted to scream. I wanted to stop him. I wanted to do _something! _But I couldn't. I could only continue to watch helplessly from my incapacitated mind's eye as he bent low over her trembling body, still yelling. She was crying, tears staining her beautiful features in a way that made my dead heart throb._

_"You think tears are going to save you now!?" He boomed, his voice so loud that it rattled in his chest. He reached down, grasping one of her tiny wrists in his fist and lifting her off of the ground just enough to look at him. He held her there, for a moment, saying nothing. Then he dropped her. No. More like thrust her back to the floor furiously, causing her to hit the wood with a painful-looking slam before he stomped from the room, slamming the door behind him and leaving her there to cry on her own, frightened and bruised on the floor._

When I snapped out of it my reaction was quicker than I would have thought possible. I shook my head almost violently, my hands flying to my mouth to stifle the screams that so desperately wanted to invade my throat. I kept my mouth occupied instead by denying everything I had seen in audible words. "No, no, no," I whispered more to myself with each shake of my head, but Esme was there, her arms around me, holding me to her small, hard body.

"It's alright, Bella," she crooned as she rocked me gently from side to side, a motion that was so slight it was barely noticeable. "It's alright." Then in it happened a third time and this was the first and only time I actually tried to fight it off, unwilling to see any more. But it pushed relentlessly on the edges of my mind until it found a way in. And then I hadn't a hope of shielding myself from it.

_This time it came in briefer flashes, reeling forward with every break between them. I heard a doctor's voice. Not Carlisle's. "You're with child, Esme." I saw the bitter-sweet look in her eyes. The determination that suddenly sparked there. The life that came back into them after being deadened from the world for so long._

_I saw her running. Still human, of course, but running. It was dark as she made her way out of the enormous house she shared with her husband of the time. She was trying to be as quiet as possible, tip-toeing down the spiral staircase and out into the night and then into the old-style, black vehicle that was waiting for her._

_I saw her in the daylight again, thanking someone who looked as though they might be a relative. The flashback reeled forward. "They know where I am!" She was saying, panicked. "I have to go!"_

_The next time I saw her she was very pregnant. She was standing in a classroom full of students, looking as kind and sweet as she ever had. She was a teacher, I could see that. But she stood with her back slightly arched with the weight of the baby she was carrying. One hand was on her lower spine while the other was draped protectively over her stomach on top of the fabric of her dress. _

_A flash. When I saw her again she was crying out in pain, her eyes squeezed tightly shut as she struggled to breathe. At first I thought she was going through the same transformation I had; becoming one of the vampires that unknowingly stalked the earth. But then there was the baby boy. She gasped and screamed as one final spasm of agony wracked her tiny frame and then he was there. Someone held him up to her chest. I heard him wail in that beautiful way babies do. Somehow – I don't know how she did it – but Esme smiled through the tears when she saw him, taking him in her arms and cradling him in a loving, motherly embrace._

_Another flash. "He has an infection in his lungs," another, unfamiliar doctor was saying. And then, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could."_

_A scream. A flash. A headstone. A flash. A cliff. She jumped._

"No!" It escaped from my lips out loud, startling me back to present as I looked into her face yet again. That was it. This time I wasn't going to let them come back. I pushed her away more roughly than intended and placed myself as far away from her as possible on the other end of the couch. But her expression was still impossibly kind as she looked at me. She understood. I didn't want to touch her anymore. Didn't want to do anything to let the visions come back.

"Bella," I heard her half-whisper as I fought to calm myself down, "it's alright. Really." She inched toward me ever so slightly across the cushions. I didn't shrink back. I supposed that it would be alright as long as I didn't touch her. When my breathing began to slow she spoke again. "But don't you see?" Her gentle voice lowered to a whisper. "All of that was _supposed _to happen." She ignored the incredulous look I gave her and pressed on. "If any of that hadn't occurred, I would have never gotten to where I am now. I would have never met Carlisle…or Edward…or any of them. I wouldn't even be alive."

I stared at the floor for a long moment, trying to comprehend exactly what she meant.

"You can't possibly imagine the relief, the…wonderfulness that I felt," she pushed when I didn't respond, "to see _Carlisle's _face. I'd never forgotten it, Bella. Not over the entire decade that we were apart. When I finally saw it again it was like…like the sun had _finally _come out. Sweet salvation."

I looked at her now, finally calm again. "Really?" I managed to squeak through a strained voice as my eyes took in her smiling face. "You were really glad to be alive after all of that?"

Her smile grew a little. "I am now," she told me softly, sliding a little closer to me across the couch. "You truly have no idea what it felt like to have someone love me like Carlisle did after that. He…appreciated me in a way that Charles couldn't even dream of. He protected me and cherished me…and absolutely had a fit if anything ever happened to me." Her smile took on an amused twitch as she thought of it. Reaching across the small cushion space that separated us then, she touched my arm gently, beaming a little wider when I didn't recoil. "Oh, Bella," she breathed a content sigh when understanding dawned on my features, "I know you're tired," she assured me kindly, "but just look at what I would have missed out on if none of those bad things had happened to me in the first place."

_Flash. Carlisle's smile. Flash. Her kissing him on their wedding day. Flash. Her smiling and listening to Edward play her favorite piece. Flash. Her with the rest of her children. Flash. Her shaking my hand for the first time. "It's very nice to know you."_

I sighed. "Do you really believe that?" Was my first question. I knew she wouldn't need to ask what I was talking about. She was the one who was thinking about it, after all. Not me.

But she merely smiled a little wider now and nodded. "Truly," she whispered. "I do."

That's when we heard it. The sound that we would later interpret as the catalyst of the terrible events that followed that night. It was low and mournful at first, haunting, but quickly escalated into a piercing, bone-chilling chorus.


	35. Chapter 35: Cries in the Night

**Author's Note: I'd like to apologize to everyone in advance for this…**

**Chapter 35: Cries in the Night**

I felt the merciless fist of fear grip my stony heart, causing it to shatter – it felt like – as the howls reached our ears, sending cascades of chills down our spines. They were far too distant for a human to hear, I knew, but still close…far too close.

Before either Esme or I could react, the door leading outside burst open, startling us further with the loud bang it emitted when it collided with the wall. Edward and Carlisle appeared, moving at a frantic, panicked speed as they locked the door securely behind them using the deadbolt.

I shot up from the couch. "What's going on?" I demanded, my voice trembling when I caught sight of their expressions, but some horrified voice inside of me told me I needn't ask. I already knew.

Edward's hard arms hit me before I saw them coming, dragging me back away from anywhere close to the door – all the way to the opposite side of the room, against the wall. My back slammed up against it audibly, in a motion that probably would have been painful had I still been as fragile as I knew I once was.

Carlisle was already pushing Esme away from the doors and windows as well, desperate as he made a sprint for the fire. "Turn out the lights!" He commanded, not bothering with manners as he hoisted the bucket of water that always rested by the fire place for extinguishing purposes into his arms. As Esme made a run for the kitchen without bothering with questions, he killed the flames with an audible hiss. Darkness blanketed the room instantaneously. The smell of smoke was unbearably strong.

The darkness only thickened when the light in the kitchen was switched off as well.

"What's happening?" Jasper's voice. My eyes adjusted remarkably quickly to the sudden darkness and I was able to distinguish his built form quite clearly in the doorway leading to the staircase.

Carlisle's answering voice hadn't calmed in the least. "They've found us," he replied hastily. "Quickly, are all the lights upstairs off?"

His son nodded.

"Good," Carlisle panted as he dragged Esme away from the kitchen doorway and back into the living room. "It's possible that by some miracle they haven't spotted the house yet. If that's the case, I'm hoping the night out there will provide us some cover." He made his way over to the closet by the stairs at a brisk, purposeful pace. For a moment I wondered what he could possibly be doing, but I quickly got my answer when he wrenched it open – from the sound of it, it hadn't been opened in decades – and drew forth what looked like in the darkness a massive, heavy-duty weapon of some kind. A huge, iron arrow protruded from the top of it and on the other end I could see a handle and trigger. From nose to tail I guessed it must have been as tall as Carlisle. The arrow itself looked to be about the thickness of a baseball around. There was no doubt in my mind what this had been designed to kill.

He pulled out another one and tossed it to Emmett, who had appeared now at the bottom of the stairs with Rosalie held protectively in his arms. These weapons looked as though they might simply be an enormous, much more destructive cousin of the spear gun. I didn't like seeing them. I shuddered at the thought of what…or _who _was destined to be on the other end of these harpoons of sorts.

We heard it again. That bone-chilling chorus of howls that sent shudders wracking ruthlessly through our bodies. These were howls that could never belong to any normal wolves. They were deeper…more intelligent. Like they knew exactly what it was they were searching for and weren't going to stop until they found it…and they were much, much closer now.

"How did they find us?" I heard Emmett demand in a harsh whisper once he'd found his voice again, but Carlisle shushed him hastily, desperate for the safe silence that we knew would only make it easier for the fear to creep up on us, but that just might save our lives as well. "Should we try to run?" I startled myself with my own voice, but I didn't like the idea of being cornered in the house. I had to voice my certainly safer-sounding idea. Maybe they should consider it. Maybe it would be best for us to high-tail it out of there…

"Not a chance," Carlisle shot my idea down before it had even finished crossing my lips. "They'll catch our scent before we've got both feet out the door. If we're lucky they may not even see us." But it wasn't difficult to catch the only-too-definite doubt in Carlisle's smooth voice. It was obvious. There was no way out of this one. If they were this close already, there was no chance of them not finding us…was there? I waited for the prank. The moment they would turn the lights on and laugh and say 'got ya! It's just a tape recorder!' Then everyone would laugh. We would joke about it for years afterwards, remembering how worried we all were for nothing…but that moment never came. The lights never came back on. No one laughed.

More howls. My breath caught at the sheer closeness of them. "They've surrounded the house!" Jasper's harsh, panicked whisper again.

"Shh!" I heard the shuck-shuck of Carlisle readying the spear gun. I shivered. I wondered if it was possible to kill a wolf with that. Something inside of me doubted it. But I supposed there was a possibility that it could, depending of course on severity and location of the blow, and besides, if it didn't kill, it would certainly be enough to incapacitate one for a while.

"Get down!" Carlisle whispered harshly but still as quietly as he could. "Away from the windows. Nobody move."

Edward pulled me down the wall into a sitting position, crouching over me protectively as I trembled in his arms. My fingers locked onto the collar of his shirt as they had only done once as tightly as this before. A time not so different than this. A time when I wanted so desperately not to lose him from my sight. A time when I prayed to the almighty God above not to take him away from me.

I felt as though I were running a drill in school, sitting in the dark against the wall, someone covering me protectively with his own body. But this was no drill. This was very, very real.

My frightened mind was just clear enough to run over our options when – I didn't degrade my own intelligence by thinking 'if' – they found us. And they would find us. Could we fight? Did seven vampires have a chance against five, horse-sized monstrosities such as them? We might have a fighting chance, I decided finally when I went over the calculations in my head one more time. After all, it had taken the entire pack to take down Laurent…hadn't it? Or had one werewolf been enough to do the job? I didn't know. I suddenly wished I had been there…for reference purposes if nothing else.

As I sat there in the dark, suddenly something escaped my lips that I felt I simply had to say. My mind was already far too crowded to keep it in. This needed to be said. "Edward, I'm scared," I whispered so quietly that only he had a chance of hearing. But he said nothing in reply. This devastated my last chances for hope. He didn't tell me everything was going to be alright. He didn't tell me no one would get hurt. He couldn't lie to me and I saw straight through his strong, silent exterior. He thought we were all going to die.

There was silence for an unbearably long moment. Cold, dark, terrifying silence. I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe. I was paralyzed with nothing more than pure fear. I squeezed my eyes closed tightly, not wanting to see any of the impending gruesomeness that was undoubtedly going to fall upon us if they entered. Edward's hold was so tight around me that it would have killed me if I were human. I clutched onto him too.

Then I could smell them. They were all around us; on every side of the house. Silent. Stalking. They knew they had us. They were covering every entrance; closing in.

Carlisle's whisper was so quiet it was almost inaudible. At first I thought he was praying. It took me a moment to realize he was speaking to us, instructing us to do something. His golden eyes scrutinized the surrounding darkness as he spoke, staring at nothing in particular. "Everyone," he whispered quietly, not using his voice in the least and just barely using his breath as he addressed every one of his family members, "quietly now, get upstairs."

"We'll be trapped upstairs!" Rosalie retorted too loudly, her voice sounding like a startling crack of thunder in the darkness. I half expected the wolves to come bursting in right there. But they didn't. There was no further movement. No noise. But this only heightened the build-up of fright.

"Just trust me," Carlisle whispered more sternly this time. "Get upstairs, now!"

"Maybe we should try to fight." Edward's low voice. As good of an idea as I thought it was, I didn't like it suddenly when it crossed _his _lips. I didn't like the image that came into my head as he spoke of him – my Edward – going up against an enormous, bear-like beast with massive canines and paws the size of dinner plates that were actually _designed _to kill our kind. I shuddered at the thought.

Carlisle's answer was quick, as he was already standing in the darkness and backing toward the stairs. "No," he replied firmly. "It's not worth the risk."

"What risk?" Emmett's whisper. Even in the dark I would recognize the playful confidence that so often radiated from his voice. "There are five of them and seven of us."

"There are six of them now," Carlisle corrected quickly. "I can smell it."

"Six?" I raised my eyebrows in the darkness, confused now as well as petrified. But the answer for me was easily remembered. "Quil," I murmured more to myself than anyone, devastated with this new knowledge as I rolled it over in my mind. "Oh no." I wondered briefly if he remembered me. If he cared enough to stop them. Clearly not. If he did, he would have done it a long time ago. He likely saw me as nothing more than Jacob did now: a traitor. One of _them_. The cold ones. Nothing more.

Six. We hadn't a chance now. Even with these weapons it would be difficult to fight them off and come out with everyone alive. And besides, we only had two of them. There were too many and Carlisle was right; it wasn't worth the risk it imposed.

Edward dragged me to my feet quietly without allowing me to let go of him. The silence outside was deafening as we tiptoed our way to the staircase. It made me want to run. Run so fast that my legs fell off. It was a flight instinct that I had only felt this strongly once before: when I had tried to run from James in that dance studio that spring. It was an instinct that only came with the promise of death. It was a last resort. One of those things that rested quietly deep inside of you until you needed it most. Then it awakened.

We were halfway up the stairs – Emmett and Carlisle covering our backs with the spear guns as they backed up the steps behind us – when it happened. I heard Esme scream as there was a deafening crash from the front room. It startled us all in the silence and caused that bubble of fear and energy that had been slowly growing inside of us to rupture. "RUN!" Carlisle roared, but we were already bolting up the stairs. He needn't tell us twice.

Then I heard the snarls. They were so loud they overruled anything any of us yelled. They were in the living room. Barking and tearing and growling. I heard another crash.

Now freely panicked, frantic to end the situation in any way possible, Edward dragged me the rest of the way up the stairs behind Jasper, Rosalie and Esme. Out of the corner of my eye I just caught a glimpse of a mammoth, black beast push through the doorway at the bottom of the stairs before Edward pulled around the corner to the upstairs hall. Carlisle hadn't moved from his spot on the steps with Emmett.

"Carlisle!" The shriek escaped my lips before I could think it over a second time and then there was a door between me and the hallway. Glancing around hastily, I realized we'd come to one of the large, upstairs bedrooms. We were hiding in it with the others, but I knew this would never be enough. Hiding was long since out of the question. We would have to get out completely.

It was only then that I realized Rosalie was already sliding open the large bedroom window. After all, if they were all in the house now, we had a pretty good chance for escape…didn't we?

I heard a loud bang from the other side of the door. But this didn't sound like something falling or toppling over or breaking. It was something else. Something…deliberate. I heard a yelp. Squeezing my eyes tightly closed again, I clung to Edward's front, burying my face in his chest as he stood with his arms around me, waiting for his father and brother. I didn't let myself think of who had been hit. Had they been killed? Did I care if they had? Again, that depended on who it was. But I didn't let myself think about that. At least Carlisle and Emmett were putting their weapons to good use.

More crashes. The door to the bedroom flung open so fast that none of us had the chance to scream before Carlisle and Emmett appeared. Emmett's hands were empty, the spear gun dislodged as his forearms were stained with blood – a lot of blood. If there was one thing I was glad for, it was for the fact that I could be certain it wasn't Emmett's…vampires couldn't possibly bleed that much.

Carlisle still held his weapon in his hands and he kept it sternly at the ready as he backed us toward the window. "Go!" He ordered sharply. "Now!"

Jasper already had one leg out the window. Then we heard the violent yet rhythmic slams as several thousand-pound beasts flew up the stairs toward our room.

Esme's voice was urgent but astonishingly calm all of a sudden. "Do they know where we are?" She demanded, her tone ordering that she got an answer within the next five seconds. I would never forget the look in her eyes then. It was something that one couldn't help but remember for years afterwards. It would haunt my every thought for a long time. There was a determination there, an instinct coming to life that I would recognize anywhere. I had seen it before. In that memory when the doctor had informed her of her apparent pregnancy. This look was a protective instinct sparking to life. A mother bear instinct.

Carlisle shook his head. "No," he replied hastily. "But it won't take them long to…" He never finished that statement. His wife was at the door in a matter of seconds. Flinging it open, she bolted into the hall.

"Esme!" Carlisle exclaimed, suddenly more alarmed than I'd ever heard him.

"Get out of here!" She screamed over one shoulder as she ran. "While you still can!"

I watched her go, horror-stricken as she flew down the hallway, never leaving my line of vision through the open door and into the room at the other end of the house. I was just beginning to see snouts at the top of the stairs when I realized what she had done. The wolves turned in the opposite direction from us, pursuing her tiny form as it reached the other end of the hall.

"Esme, no!" I screeched, but Edward's strong hand clamped firmly over my mouth before the sound could reach the wolves. We all worked together then, knowing exactly what had to be done without communicating in the least. We had to make use of the time Esme had bought us. She'd probably just saved our lives by giving her own. But there would be time to grieve later. Emmett took Carlisle up in his iron grip, having to hold him with a bone-crushing tightness as he struggled, thrashing frantically as he watched his wife go. He dropped his weapon.

In seconds, Edward and I were the last in the room. He thrust me toward the window with a force that was almost violent, clearly desperate to get us both out of there. But as I descended backwards out of the window, I caught one last glimpse of the brawl that was taking place at the other end of the house. Through the open door I was able to see the wolves as they turned enough and spotted us leaving our room. They made a dash for the hall again from their own room, looking huge in the confined space of the second level of the house. But then Esme was there. She looked dwarfed by the massive canines towering over her as she blocked their path to the hall, standing between them and us. She didn't shrink back. Didn't cower in the least as I watched.

The gray wolf that was closest to her now snarled furiously at her, a sound so menacing it sent chills raining down my spine as I heard it. He was commanding her to get out of the way. Then Esme spoke, her voice clear and in command as she rang out her response. "You'll have to kill me first."

"No!" I was just barely aware of the trembling in my own voice as Edward shoved me further out the window. I lost sight of Esme and the wolves after that. "Go!" He ordered as he climbed down after me. I let my body take over. I didn't allow myself to think. I couldn't if I wanted to get out of this alive. I couldn't let myself hear the snarls that echoed from upstairs…and the tearing and screams that followed. I didn't let myself hear. Didn't let myself listen. I had to get away. I had to get us both away. That was all I allowed myself to think as I reached the half-way point down the wall. There I released the creases in the white brick in which I was holding and let myself drop the rest of the way to the ground, not really surprised when I landed easily on my feet, unharmed.

Edward was right behind me, giving me a frantic shove in the direction of the tree cover every moment that I hesitated. I stumbled when he did so, but never fell. I was able to make out the shapes and shadows of the tree line, and the rest of my family ahead, but my vision meant nothing when none of it registered in my mind. I couldn't let myself think. If I did that, I would never make it to the trees. I would break down right here and now…but even as I thought this I began to hyperventilate. Images began to flash through my head. Esme standing there in the doorway, her back to us, Paul towering over her triumphantly, knowing there was no chance of her stopping him.

There was a dry ripping sound emitting from my chest when I was finally able to unscramble my thoughts. My no-thinking vow had been broken all too suddenly. I had to think. There was no way I couldn't. I began to sob – dry, tearless heaves that incapacitated my body to the point where Edward had to pick me up in his arms, clutching me tightly to his chest as he bolted for the tree line.

This wasn't happening. This wasn't real. It couldn't be. Two years ago I was a normal human being. I knew nothing of vampires. I lived with my mother in the blazing heat of Phoenix Arizona, innocent, naïve, not even thinking of Forks…or werewolves for that matter. I spent my weekends on the computer or reading on the grass outside. How could this possibly be happening now? That's when it all hit me. Was it really possible that in two years I had changed so much? Was it really possible that I'd met and fallen in love with a vampire, not to mention his family? Was it really possible I'd become one of them? Or was this all just a wonderful and at the same time terrible dream? Would I wake up in a few moments and think, _that didn't all really happen? _

But I never woke up. Never opened my eyes to find myself exactly as I was two years ago. Never lost it completely until I felt Edward drop me gently on the forest floor what seemed like hours later. I knew we'd lost them. They wouldn't come after us tonight. They were satisfied with what they'd taken away from us for the time being. They would save hunting the rest of us down for later.

But as I hit the soil of the forest floor, I found I was far from comforted by this thought. I should have been the one protecting my family in that house, not her. I should be dead. "Oh, no!" I heaved through the dry sobs as Edward knelt before me, clutching me to his chest and cradling me there for a long moment. "No! No! Oh, God! No!" I couldn't think of anything else to say. That hadn't just happened. Perhaps if I denied it enough that statement would come true. But it didn't. And knowing there was nothing I could do about it only spurred my emotions on.

I couldn't breathe. Wracking sobs dominated my lungs as I buried my face in Edward's shirt, desperate for the tears to come and ease the pain in my throat. But they never did. And this hurt more. I clung to him with every fiber of my being. I would never let go. Never. I felt one of his hands on the back of my head, holding my face tightly against his chest as though he never wanted me to see the cruel, dark world again. His other hand was on my back, holding me so tightly I was certain it would have crushed me had I not been so unbreakable. His face was in my hair. I could feel his own gasping, broken breathing on my skin as he cried in the only way that he knew how.

"Oh, God, please! No!" My pleas were barely understandable through the muffler of his shirt and my own tearless, ripping sobs. "No! It didn't happen! It didn't happen! _Esme! _Oh, God! Oh my God!" The shock that hit me the moment I heard myself say her name was unbearable. There aren't words to describe how intense the agony suddenly becomes when you can't find a way out of the pain. Can't go back in time only a few minutes. Can't stop it from happening again, over and over again on the inside of your head.

"Shh. Bella, Shh." Edward clung to me just as, if not more tightly than I was clinging to him. I could feel his chest heaving, shaking violently against me as his breathing became as labored and shallow as mine, sobbing. He said nothing after that. Only held onto me, both of us relying on each other. The occasional 'oh no' escaped my lips as well but other than that it was only sobs. Painful, dry, wracking sobs.

It took what felt like several hours before I was finally able to open my eyes and glance over his shoulder at the rest of my grief-stricken family. Rosalie stood, motionless, staring at nothing in particular in the darkness, both of her hands covering her mouth and nose as her eyes widened to an unnatural, frightening extent. I couldn't even hear her breathing. Jasper sat a few yards off, his back against a tree, his face in his hands for the zillionth time in the past month. His own shoulders trembled slightly at this new development. Emmett was nowhere in sight. Although I could hear him somewhere, off in the darkness, snarling furiously as he snapped any and every branch – or tree – he could find in half – no matter the thickness. I could hear the cracks. Some louder than others.

And Carlisle…Carlisle stood in a stance similar to Rosalie's. Only with much less emotion evident in his ochre eyes. I couldn't believe how calm he was. Then again, perhaps 'calm' wasn't the right word. Subdued maybe. That seemed to fit better. Catatonic. Dead. Still, it was shocking how little feeling he showed. I waited for him to break down. Waited for him to say something…anything. But he merely stood there, staring at nothing, his eyes fixed and unblinking in the darkness. His hands at his sides, he stood so motionless that a passing hiker probably wouldn't even have noticed him standing there.

"Carlisle…?" I managed to croak through the sobs, my tight voice trailing off into nothingness as I looked at his face, like stone, expressionless, unreadable. He didn't answer. Didn't even acknowledge that anyone had spoken to him. He continued to stare, as though in shock, dead to the world. I hated seeing him like that. I couldn't bear it. I turned my face back to Edward's shoulder, squeezing my eyes closed again as I buried my features in the fabric of his shirt, never wanting to resurface. He was my only safe haven from the world now. My only salvation. There aren't words to describe what it felt like when there was no where for the pain to go.

I pictured Esme's sweet smile in my mind and it brought on an entirely new constriction in my chest. I heaved more sobs. I felt like I wanted to be sick. Anything to relieve the tightness in my chest and throat. Suddenly I wished Alice were here. She'd know what to do. Know what to say. I missed her more in that moment than I ever had before. I tried to imagine what she would say. She would try to think constructively. She wouldn't be paralyzed by the situation like the rest of us. She would be able to think clearly and react to the circumstances.

"We need to go back." I pushed Edward away suddenly, getting to my feet and speaking too loudly for this quiet moment.

"Bella…" he gripped my shoulder in his hand as he stood as well, but I shook it off, frantic to do something. To voice what Alice would have said. False hope fluttered to life inside of me, like a reflection of what could have been, but what I also knew could never be now.

"We have to do something!" I cried, striding toward Carlisle, who looked at me, but still stood unmoving, his expression unchanging. "We have to go back! What if she made it? What if…"

"Bella, she's dead!" Edward's voice was so sharp in the darkness that it startled me into swinging around to face him. It was agonized, but desperate to deliver the truth, forcing me to come to my senses. "You know it, I know it. Hell, we all know it!"

His words slowly sank in. Despair gripped me to the very depth of my already condemned soul and I stared at him, unblinking for a long moment. No one said anything. Slowly, my features twisted into a pained and very anguished mask. I sank to my knees again, keeping myself in a sitting position only by pushing against the seemingly magnetized ground with one hand, the other clutching my chest so tightly it only made the pain worse. I cried out once more…the beginning of more sobs.

Strong, hard arms pulled my body into a tight, comforting embrace. Edward. My dear Edward. I let my arms fall around him instead of the ground, sobbing into his shoulder again, defeated this time. Giving in to the wash of pain that completely consumed me now. The silence took its superior position in the night again after that. No one else said a word for the rest of the night. We pretended not to see or smell the flames in the distance when they came, the smoke carrying the scent of burning flesh…


	36. Chapter 36: Daybreak

**Chapter 36: Daybreak**

_Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. _Even for us.

I could recall feeling this way only once before in my life. A long time ago. Almost a year ago now, I supposed. It was so very long ago… When it happened I never believed it could again. And then it did. Someone else I loved dropped out of my life so quickly I didn't even get the chance to say goodbye. It was so sudden, so random…hell right smack in the middle of heaven. No one could have seen it coming. Well, someone could have…but she wasn't here either.

The sheer weight of the sadness dragged us down into blackness so dark that none of us could see out of it enough to find even each other. We sat, unmoving, so close to one another and yet…those few feet seemed father than the widest ocean all of a sudden. Like no one wanted to look into another's eyes for fear of what they might see. Especially me. Memories were the last thing I wanted to see right now.

Edward didn't stray from my side as they night dragged on…slowly…but progressively. And eventually it _did _pass. Somehow. I don't know how. But it did. Edward was always there, touching me in one way or another. When I wasn't holding onto him, I was sitting, his hands on my shoulders, or I was lying in the pine needles on the forest floor, him stroking my hair lovingly, comfortingly. I begged God for the sweet salvation of sleep. Anything that could get me out of this. I wanted to be away from here. Far away. Somewhere where I could pretend none of this had happened. But as long as _she _wasn't here, there was no way to pretend. Unless I could hear her gentle, nurturing voice and see her beautiful, loving face, I simply had to believe it was true. The sheer absence threw the reality of the situation so close to my face that my vision was blocked from anything else in the world. The gravity of death was all I could see. All I could believe. And that hurt more than seeing the pain on my family's faces did.

Morning arrived. It didn't seem to care that it was sorely unwelcome. It showed up anyway. And as if that weren't enough, it had the nerve to show the sun, hanging clear and bright in a bluer sky than I had seen since we arrived in Alaska. There wasn't a cloud in sight. The brightness stung my eyes when I finally opened them. It seemed they had grown accustomed to the dark protection my eyelids provided while I tried – completely against all reason – to fall asleep. I didn't know why I did it. Perhaps to try to escape from it all. I couldn't be sure. But clearly, I had been unsuccessful. My mind didn't go anywhere except the exact location of my body. I felt as though I were imprisoned in a way. Ruthlessly trapped in an anguished existence. Unable to sleep. Unable to die.

When my eyes finally adjusted to blinding light that I hated so much, it didn't take me long to notice the missing element in the family…well, a third missing element. Five of us sat in exactly the positions I'd seen them in the night before. Only all much more subdued than they had been then and with one exception. I looked at Emmett, who sat now in the same position that Jasper had not too long ago: his massive back resting against the trunk of one of the big spruce trees that littered the soil here, one of his huge hands covering his eyes while his elbows rested on his knees.

"Emmett," I croaked, my voice so hoarse from the dry sobbing that had accumulated in my throat the night before that it was just barely recognizable, "where's Rosalie?"

He didn't look up. Didn't turn even slightly in my direction or move in any way in the least as he answered, his normally playful, booming voice dangerously low in response. "I don't know," was all he said in reply, his tone flat, not quite uncaring, but certainly far from enthusiastic as he spoke.

I stared at him for a long moment, his words not quite sinking in right away. At the moment it felt as though every little thing was happening in slow motion. Like I was stuck in one of those dreams where you were running; you needed so desperately to get away from something but you simply couldn't move your legs fast enough.

Finally though, I got to my feet. I felt I had to do _something_. Even if there was no point to me doing it. I needed a distraction. Any distraction. However small. Edward watched me go but didn't move from his seat on the ground as I left our little 'campsite' of sorts. I was going to find Rosalie. I wasn't sure why. I convinced myself that it was only a precaution to make sure she hadn't done anything stupid out of her grief while no one was watching.

I followed her trail down a steep hillside and to the water's edge. Her smell was easily enough followed. Almost effortlessly recognizable. I would know it anywhere. I would know _any _of their scents anywhere. They were my family now, after all.

When the trees thinned I spotted her on a tiny beach at the edge of a small lake…more like a pond, I supposed, judging by the size of it. The still, dark waters lapped quietly against the shoreline, just barely audible in the deafening silence of the surrounding mountains. I stopped when my shoes touched the edge of the sand as it mixed inconspicuously with the grass line. I stood there for a moment, watching her. Even from behind she was beautiful. Her blond hair twisted and fluttered bitterly in the wind as it caressed her pale shoulders, free, uncaring. She wasn't moving either. She stood like a stone statue, staring out across the lake with fixed, unblinking eyes.

I was still for a moment, uncertain. Did I dare speak? But before I could decide whether or not to do so, my lips parted without my consent. "Rosalie?"

She started, whirling around to face me with an alarmed expression tainting her beautiful features. When her honey-gold eyes fell upon me however, she released the breath that had seemingly caught in her throat and she relaxed, as though suddenly relieved as she took a step toward me, running one hand anxiously through the golden strands on her head. But she didn't smile.

"Oh," she murmured, lowering her eyes to the ground when she saw me. "It's just you."

I stared at her for a moment, my eyebrows raised. I hadn't thought it possible to surprise a vampire, but then, I was a vampire myself now. I could move much more quietly than I gave myself credit for. And she obviously wasn't in her right mind at the moment. "Who did you think it was?" I asked before I could stop myself, careless as to the implications of my question. At the moment I felt I had nothing more to lose. I was wrong of course. I still had everything to lose.

"I don't know," Rosalie bowed her blond head shamefully as she took another step toward me, looking unnaturally casual in her jeans and T-shirt against the spectacular background of the lake and mountains. "I thought maybe…" Her voice trailed off quietly and she shook her head, unwilling to shame herself with the notion. It seemed she was refusing to look at me as she stood there, one hand on her slender hip and the other in her hair as her golden eyes scanned the horizon behind me, searching for something.

I managed the tiniest smile, but it vanished in seconds, and never reached my eyes. "I'm going to miss her too," was all I could think of to say. I wondered momentarily if approaching the matter so straight-forwardly would upset my sister of sorts, and that concern wasn't helped in the least when anger flashed across Rosalie's ochre eyes at my words. It was only when she spoke again that I realized the frustration wasn't directed in the least toward me.

She turned her eyes on me suddenly, her jaw set tenaciously when she spoke again, her normally strong voice meek and tight in her throat. "How could she do this to us?" She demanded abruptly, her eyes shifting to the ground when my expression softened, devastated all over again by her words.

"Rosalie, she loved us," I reminded her gently, my voice tenderly careful as I replied. "All of us. You have to believe that."

"Then why did she have to go and get herself killed!?" She countered sharply, her voice shattering with emotion as she dropped to her knees in the sand, her head in her hands as she wept dryly. "Why did she have to be so stupid?"

"She was protecting us," I retorted before the words had even finished crossing her perfectly full lips. A hint of anger was itching at the edge of my voice as I spoke. As much as I understood Rosalie's pain – all of their pain – she couldn't possibly be so blind as to miss the good that had come out of it. "I should think you'd be grateful that she did it."

Still, Rosalie didn't look up at me from where she sat on the ground, but her breathing quieted again as she thought this over for a long moment. "I have _nothing_…to be grateful for," she said finally, dragging my spirits down another impossible notch with the agony that tainted her tone.

I sighed and glanced around, almost unable to bear any more of this conversation, but I felt as though it were my duty to relay the message Esme had revealed to me only the night before, not an hour before she was killed. The message that made this almost okay now. The message that everything happened for a reason. "Esme knew what she was doing," I promised Rosalie pointedly. "If she hadn't done what she did we might all be dead right now. But we're not. We're alive…and together. That has to count for something."

But Rosalie got to her feet suddenly now, revealing the dirtied knees of her jeans as she stood to face me, her expression intense and abrupt. "Tell that to Carlisle!" She cried suddenly, her voice startlingly angry still. "Did you see him last night?" She demanded, clearly desperate to make her case. "My father – the content, courageous, compassionate doctor – was dead on his feet!" She paused, turning away from me briefly to run both hands through her hair one more time before turning back to face me. "He's faced hardships that you can't even begin to imagine in his two lifetimes! He's been both emotionally and physically tortured for what he is and still, he's managed to stay positive somehow. He's been brilliant and kind to every person he's ever come across. Human or otherwise, but this time…" her voice broke again and finally, she went to pieces. "This is really going to kill him this time."

Dry, broken sobs caught in her throat and I felt I had only one choice at this. My own emotions were beginning to take a hit as well now and suddenly I couldn't talk anymore. Without thinking, I crossed the small distance to where Rosalie stood and embraced her so tightly I was afraid she just might tear me to shreds right then and there. But she didn't. Instead she sank into my touch. Resting her chin on my shoulder, I felt her body shake with the pressure of the lump in her throat that refused to rupture. She clung to me with startling force, constricting my lungs until there was nothing left to exhale. I didn't mind though. I let her do it. She was entitled to go to pieces for once. She didn't always have to be the fighter.

But then suddenly she was again. Tearing herself from my arms, she turned back to the lake. It was only then that I noticed how her white skin shimmered only too clearly in the bright and very abrupt sunlight today. Without the cover of the trees, we were both far too conspicuous in the broad daylight that dominated the sky. Glancing down at my own arm, I sighed as I noted what looked like millions of tiny diamonds sparkling in the pores of my pale skin, causing the sunlight to seem only brighter still as the glints hit my crimson eyes in an almost painful manner.

Strange, I thought as I looked at them. At first glance these things were all a human could see in the sun, but as for myself, it had taken me several minutes before I even noticed them. It was a painful sting of a reminder: we weren't human, no matter how much it felt like it at the moment.

I started as Rosalie snarled furiously, reaching down into the sand and drawing up a large, jagged-edged stone. It could just barely fit into her fist as she wound up her arm to a frightening extent and hurled the rock forward across the lake, crying out as though in physical pain as she did it. For a moment I was concerned as to where that rock might end up. I recalled the baseball game I had witnessed not too long ago and visibly cringed at the recollection that none of them had even had to wind up like that to pitch a ball twice or three times as far as a human ever could. Even from where I stood now, I was able to hear the crack as the rock collided with a large pine on the opposite side of the lake.

Panting – more out of rage than physical exhaustion, I supposed – Rosalie turned back to me again, and for the first time today I caught that old spark of fire behind her eyes. But this was different somehow than it normally was. Normally that fire sparked out of her own, natural tenacity, but today it sparked out of something else…pure, white-hot hatred.

"I'm going to kill them," she stated in a solemn voice barely above a whisper. I'd heard this from her before, but this time there was something far too…genuine about the vow. She truly meant it. "I'm going to find the dogs that did this…and I'm going to kill them. I'm going to kill them all!" Her voice was escalating in volume and the rage in it was easily caught. She was angry.

I felt my false breathing quicken. I had to stop this before it really went to her head. I thought of Sam, Embry, Jared and Jacob…even Paul. And then I thought of Emily. I would never forget the dark trails that distorted her once beautiful features. I would never forget the look that I had witnessed when Sam greeted her. It was nothing short of true love. So sincere that it almost bested Edward and I. I remembered the wonder that rushed through me when I saw it. It was truly incredible. And then I thought of Rosalie's words. As much as I hated them all right now as well, hated them beyond what I thought were my own capacities, I couldn't let her think like that. I couldn't let that hate blind her from what was truly important.

"Rosalie," I began again, my voice more urgent as I spoke through the sadness, "I understand how you feel. Truly, I do." I forced myself to take a deep breath. "But did you ever think that maybe more fighting isn't the answer?" I asked, my voice suddenly wavering as I received a smoldering look from her.

"What?" It was more of an angry 'I'll give you a chance to pretend you didn't say that' than a question. It was clear no one had ever said anything to her against violence. She didn't understand my reasoning. Not by a long shot.

"Don't you think there's been enough killing for one century?" I demanded, suddenly feeling more confident as I spoke to her than I would have thought possible. My voice rang out clearly and strongly across the lake, only spurring me on as I struggled to make my case. "I mean, isn't that what got us into this whole mess in the first place?" I ignored the painful prick that stung the back of my mind at this question. Actually, a merciless voice inside of me said matter-of-factly, _you _are what got us into this whole mess. But I couldn't let myself think that way. Not after everything Esme had told me last night. Again, the agonizing sting of guilt.

But Rosalie didn't seem to be on the same brainwave. She was staring at the ground, silent for a long moment, thinking.

"Try to think of Esme, Rosalie," I pressed, pushing past the initial throb in my chest at the ring of her name. "I know it's hard, but try. What do you imagine she would say about all of this?"

Rosalie sighed, thoughtful. We both knew the answer to that question, but she verbalized it anyway. "She wouldn't want us to kill anyone over her." She stated knowingly, a miniscule smile playing on her lips as she said it. "Mom wouldn't want any of us to get hurt either."

I smiled too, despite myself. Rosalie had her mother dead-on. "Exactly," I replied, nodding once in satisfied confirmation, but Rosalie then looked back up at me, her liquid-gold eyes alight with that frightful fire again.

"But Mom's not here, is she?" She added, her voice pained as the anger found its way back in.

Any hoped I'd had of getting through to her were shattered in that moment. Rosalie was angry. They all were. Even I was, as much as I hated to admit it, and it seemed nothing was going to ease the pain that was infuriating us. No matter what I said I couldn't even truly convince _myself_ that it was right. A part of me wanted to tear Paul to shreds. And the more I spoke to Rosalie, the more potent that part become. I knew it was him that had done it. Whether he had any help, I couldn't be sure. But I knew it was him that did it.

But there was another part of me – smaller, but very real – that wanted to crawl into a hole somewhere and die. You never should have been born, that menacing voice inside my head promised me. You're the reason all of this was happening. I knew it was right. I knew there was nothing I could say or do to make the guilt factor go away. _I _should be the one who was dead, not Esme. Esme didn't deserve to die. She was sweet and caring and kind-hearted. What had she ever done to anyone to deserve this? All at once I felt like marching back towards that house and throwing myself at the mercy of the wolves. It would only be too easy. I didn't think Jacob would stop them if they wanted to kill me…

But then I remembered Esme's kind words the night before. _"Bella," _she'd said, _"you can't go blaming yourself for everything that's happened. You are a sweet, smart, wonderful young woman and there isn't anything in the world I would trade for knowing you." _I had to force myself to keep breathing as the memory entered my head. What a load of crap, I couldn't help but think; _I bet you would have traded your life if you knew you were going to lose it. _

But her voice somehow rang in my head again before I could stop it. I could hear it so clearly, as though she were standing right next to me. _"You didn't do anything wrong, Bella," _she'd assured me as she touched my face. _"You have to believe that. You didn't ask for any of this. You fell in love and that was all you knew at the time. This isn't your fault." _

And I wanted to believe her. I wanted to believe her more than anything else in the world. But for some reason I couldn't bring myself to. Suddenly I felt very self-conscious. I couldn't help but wonder if Rosalie was thinking the same thing. I recalled how she'd disliked me when I'd first met their family. Maybe disliked wasn't strong enough a word. Detested. Resented. Those seemed to work better as a description. And I remembered exactly why she had felt all of those things toward me as well. She'd thought I was destroying their family. She'd thought I was all wrong for her brother and that I – an outsider, a _human _– wasn't worth the trouble of knowing. Not that she detested humans, of course. It was quite the opposite. Edward had told me that she wished she was one, but the jealously was ridiculously insignificant in comparison to the resent she'd felt at the thought of how I was tearing their family apart. She'd _blamed _me.

And then, of course, she'd shocked me by coming round and when I'd gone to Italy to rescue Edward from the perilous hands of the Volturi, and then when I was changed I'd thought for certain that her attitude was permanently in my favor. And now this. I sighed inwardly. When had everything gotten so complicated? _How _had it gotten so complicated?

"I don't know what to say," I continued finally, training my eyes on a particular grain of sand at my feet. "I suppose 'I'm sorry' wouldn't quite cover it…"

Rosalie looked up at me abruptly now, her perfectly-shaped eyebrows knitting together in a perplexed expression. "What are you talking about?" She asked, all traces of kindness leaving her tone abruptly as she struggled to understand where my sudden apology had come from.

I sighed audibly this time, fighting to swallow the lump that was still swelling in my throat, blocking my airway. I supposed this was an ache I was going to have to get used to since I would never be able to relieve it, no matter how hard I tried. "This is all happening because of me," I moaned through a tightened voice. It felt like it hurt a thousand times more to say it out load. "You don't have to pretend that isn't what you're thinking."

Rosalie exhaled loudly and looked at me through narrowed eyes, tilting her blond head to one side as she gauged my expression. For a moment I felt as though she were looking _past _me instead of at me, like she was trying to see into my head somehow. "You know," she breathed finally, shaking her head twice in bewilderment, "sometimes I can't tell if you're really smart, or really…not."

I raised my eyebrows. "What?"

"Bella, do you seriously think we would have gone through all this in the first place if we didn't think you were worth it?" She shocked me by asking. "Trust me, you are _not _the reason _any _of this happened."

I felt my eyebrows lift higher still somehow. "I'm not?"

She looked at me seriously. "Don't flatter yourself," she teased. "You're not that interesting." She paused, examining my reaction for a moment before she continued. "Believe me, one human girl could never be enough for a vampire like Carlisle to pack up and move his family to Alaska. Yes, you were the catalyst for it, but that doesn't mean we had to do it. And I certainly never would have come along myself if I didn't want to."

I looked at her incredulously, a small smile playing on my lips for a moment despite myself. "Wow," I murmured as I stared at her. "Was that…almost a compliment?"

Rosalie smiled now too, but it never reached her eyes and disappeared quickly. Still, I could see the intent was there. Amusement danced in her sad eyes for the briefest of seconds. Finally, she placed one delicate hand on my shoulder, reminding me far too much of her mother all of a sudden. "Bella," she sighed, "trust me when I say that none of us blame you for any of this." She lowered her eyes suddenly, as though embarrassed as to what was about to come out of her mouth. "If you must know the truth," she began again, her voice quieter this time, "you've been…very good both _to _and _for _my brother. I've never seen him happier in my life…and I owe you for that." She paused, thoughtful. "Without you he never would have made it back from Italy, after all," she pressed on, saddened by the recollection. "We would have lost him forever."

"If it weren't for me, he never would have gone to Italy in the first place," I reminded her pointedly, recalling that awful day that didn't seem so long ago now.

"Well," she continued, relentlessly it seemed, "that was his own stupid fault, not yours. He never _had _to drag you in to our sick, twisted world. That was something he chose to do all on his own."

I sighed. "I suppose…" I could only let myself half-agree. I wasn't going to let the responsibility that was rightfully mine be pulled from my shoulders just like that. "Well, either way," I continued whole-heartedly, "I'm sorry."

Rosalie nodded, seemingly unable to say anything more for the moment. She turned her ochre eyes back to the lake, staring out over it blankly again for a long moment, as though still searching for something she knew she was never going to find. We both felt the wind as it caressed our skin softly, gently, as though with a loving, almost nurturing touch, whispering in our ear. For a second I could have sworn I heard her voice carried on it. Whether that had come from my own imagination or reality somehow, I would never know.

I heard Rosalie take a deep breath. "I just don't know what we're going to do without her," she stated finally, her voice breaking with the emotion in her words. She turned her eyes on me and I knew they would have been brimming with tears if they could. "I miss her so much."

I wasn't totally taken aback this time when she threw her arms around my neck, embracing me tightly to her as she fell apart for the second time today. "I know," I whispered in her ear over the broken sobs that followed. "I know. I miss her too…I don't think we'll ever stop missing her…" I felt my chest tighten and my own voice broke now as well. I clung to Rosalie suddenly, equaling the strength in which she was clutching me. It was strange, seeing Rosalie like this. So sad, frightened, vulnerable…nothing like her normal self. But then again, none of them were really their normal selves at a time like this. And I was happy just to hold her as long as she needed someone be vulnerable _to_. Maybe I needed someone to be vulnerable to as well. Maybe we all did…we stayed like that for a long time…the caring, motherly touch of the wind carrying a gentle whisper around us both.

When we arrived back at the campsite, Emmett was first to reach us. I handed his wife off to him, returning his tiny, but very grateful smile when he wrapped his huge arms around her shoulders, holding her to his chest meaningfully for a long moment. As I watched, he kissed her hair affectionately. "Bella, I'm sorry about earlier," he offered good-naturedly over the top of her head, although his voice was still very sad, heavy with grief. "I didn't mean to be so cold, it's just…"

I touched one of his immense arms and smiled slightly before he could finish. "I know." I returned, my own voice sympathetic.

But as I watched this loving exchange of comfort between my siblings-to-be, a warm, gentle arm encircled my waist and I looked down, only to follow it up to Edward's sweet, sad eyes as he stood next to me. I stared into them for a long moment, relishing the impossible amount of comfort that came with his hold before I embraced him as well, hugging him to me as I laid my ear over his chest, closing my eyes. "Oh, Edward," I breathed sorrowfully as I held onto him, knowing that I probably couldn't even come close to imagining what he must have been going through at the moment.

But the high, sturdy wall of shock had come down now, it seemed. As we were all able to speak to each other at least. Not quite feely yet, but we _could _communicate. Pulling back enough just to look up into Edward's face, I sighed deeply. "Are you okay?" I asked carefully, uncertain as to the appropriateness of this question. How could he possibly be okay? Still, it was the only thing that felt right enough to say at the moment.

Just as I suspected though, he shook his head, his beautiful features soft and tender with sadness as he looked down at me. "Not yet," he replied softly, his voice low.

I nodded in understanding and then looked down for a moment before raising my eyes back to his and shaking my head in agreement, one negating motion right after the other. "Me neither," I croaked, sniffing as my voice broke and Edward pulled me close to him again.

"I know." He pressed his lips gently to my forehead before pulling me completely against him, tucking the top of my head under his chin as he spoke. "I know."

As his right hand traced the ridges in my spine, I sniffed several more times, pressing my nose to the skin of his throat and inhaling as much of his staggering aroma as I could in the short time before we were interrupted.

"We have to go." Carlisle's serious voice.

Edward pulled away from me just enough to glance over at his father. "Go?" He repeated, clearly perplexed and even sounding a little angry at this suggestion. "Go where?"

"Back to the house." Carlisle's answering voice sounded flat, but his eyes housed a spark of determination.

Jasper sounded alarmed when he spoke next. "What?"

"My guess is, they're all still there," Carlisle continued sharply before the word had even left his son's mouth. His voice startled me now. He sounded…angry. "We'll have the advantage if we can trap in the house the same way they did us." Then his eyes hardened. "We're not running anymore."

Emmett raised his eyebrows, his expression both a little frightful and hopeful all at once. "Are we talking about fighting, here?" He demanded suddenly, some of his old self shining through again for the first time in his booming voice.

Carlisle looked at his son seriously and nodded, almost too eager to answer the question. "Yes," he replied firmly. "We are." The look that flickered across his normally kind, composed eyes frightened me then. It was wild and suddenly unpredictable, like the way Edward had looked when he'd rescued me that night in Port Angeles. Like he was beyond reason. Like he needed to kill something. Preferably the men who'd attacked me.

But this time it was Edward who stepped up to be the reasonable one. He took one tentative step toward his father and looked him squarely in the eye. "Carlisle," he began, his voice low and understanding, but at the same time practical, "let's be sensible about this. Please. Let's at least discuss it first before we…"

"There's nothing to discuss!" Carlisle countered abruptly, startling us all with the sudden escalation in his temper. All at once I missed the old Carlisle. The one I'd shaken hands with that day back in Forks. The one who'd calmly and kindly saved my life in Phoenix that spring. The one I'd spoken with at the kitchen table the night of my birthday while he gently stitched up my arm, never showing a single trace of a sign of losing control and even going as far as to grant me a kind smile while he did it. I remembered focusing on the goodness in his face instead of the steaming stench of blood and the soft plink of the glass shards as he carefully plucked them from my arm and dropped them on the kitchen table in front of him.

I missed the Carlisle that had grinned and openly welcomed me into his family with a happy smile when Edward and I had announced our engagement. The sincere generosity in his face. The genuine compassion and kindness that always radiated from him. But that Carlisle was gone now. Something told me he died with Esme.

"We're going back to the house right now," he continued in an enraged voice, "and we're going to end this! They are going to die like the dogs they are!"

"Carlisle!" My own scolding voice shocked me. All eyes turned in my direction. I hadn't meant to speak. The disappointment was meant to be expressed silently in my head. But for some reason it had crossed my lips. So I continued before anyone could stop me. "Carlisle, I know you're hurting," I sympathized quickly before changing tactics, "but declaring war on the Quileutes is only exactly what they want! Killing them isn't going to bring Esme back!"

His eyes were thunderous as they turned on me then. Saying her name had been a mistake.

"Are you with us, Bella, or not?" He demanded suddenly, completely ignoring my previous statement.

I glanced quickly over one shoulder at Edward for help, but he only shot me a bleak and apologetic expression. "Not you too!" I couldn't help but whine as I saw his face. But as I glanced around at the rest of my broken family, I was devastated to discover that they all looked to be thinking the same thing: the werewolves deserved to die and nothing was going to stop them from murdering every one of them.

Carlisle's voice startled me back to the matter at hand. "If you're not with us, you're against us." He pointed out darkly, his eyes flashing with black betrayal at the second part of that statement.

I had to think about this longer than I probably should have. I didn't like the idea of killing any one of them. I had been friends with them. Been invited into their home. Shared their food and warmth and hospitality. Could I kill one of them if it came to that? And what if another one of us got hurt? What about Jacob? He would be there. I had to be ready to tear him to shreds if I got the chance…

Finally though, I decided I was over thinking this. Jacob didn't care about me, so why should I care about him? If anything I should hate him for everything he'd done to me. It was as though he didn't remember any of the good times at all. None of it. And neither could I if I was going to go through with this.

Sighing, I nodded finally, defeated. "I'm with you," I murmured in a voice so low that it was a miracle any one of them heard it. This was my family now…for better or for worse. They had never abandoned me. So there was no reason I should abandon them. We were what we were. And there was nothing I could do about that.

"Good," Carlisle concluded finally, his face hardening again. "Let's go."


	37. Chapter 37: Promises, Promises

**Author's Note: Hello everyone. I'm afraid I have some very sad news. Unfortunately, I'm leaving tomorrow for vacation. I will be gone for a week and as much as it pains me to say, I will have no internet access. Anyway, I realize Eclipse comes out in a few days and unfortunately, I will not be able to finish this story before it does. But I promise, I will try my best to finish it regardless when I get back. This is NOT the end. But I just wanted to let everyone know, this will be the last chapter I give you for about a week. So I hope you enjoy it. I love you all!**

**Chapter 37: Promises, Promises**

I clutched Edward's hand with almost brutal force as we ran. Carlisle was setting a difficult pace to keep up with. He ran with a purpose in his stride that none of us could hope to match. I couldn't deny this fact: Carlisle was scaring me. Something buried deep inside my stony heart told me he was going to get us all killed by doing what he was doing. I didn't think I could take it if something happened to another one of my family members…any one of them. He wasn't thinking straight. Anyone could see that. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if he wasn't thinking _at all_. I could understand the need not to let yourself think. I'd felt it too once, I had to remind myself. It hurt to think at a time like this. It hurt to remember anything that might bring the wash of despair that you were trying so desperately to avoid. But I couldn't help but think that might just be could for Carlisle at the moment. The rest of us were still buried in impossibly deep, inescapable grief as well, but at least we could talk to one another about it. We could mourn by remembering the good times, but something told me Carlisle wasn't letting himself mourn at all. And that was something everyone so desperately needed to do before it could feel even remotely alright again.

But Carlisle wasn't doing that. He wasn't letting anything in except the rage. The need to avenge. Anything else, anything that might cause him to come to terms with the awful reality of it all, anything that might let the hurt in, he censored out of his every thought.

And then a horrifying thought struck me as I saw the roof of the house appearing over the crest of a distant hill before us. It hit me like lightning: fast, hard, merciless and unexpected…not to mention painful. Was Carlisle _trying _to get us all killed? Had he already realized what had happened and come to terms with it faster than any of us had? Had he beaten us to a decision that none of us could even dream of making just yet? Was he trying to end the pain? Was he trying to kill himself?

Fighting down the panic that leapt into my throat then, I struggled to calculate our chances for survival in my head…and what realistic chances Carlisle might _think _we had. I thought hard, my brain having to work much harder as a result of my consistent leg motion…

There were six werewolves – five if the one Emmett shot had died – and there were six of us. But then I had to factor in the strength and body mass issue. The Quileute wolves were big…very big. In their bestial forms they dwarfed us in size and muscle mass. Even Emmett wasn't anywhere near that big… But they had to tear us to shreds completely in order to kill us and all we had to do was produce a decent shot through the head or heart…didn't we? I suddenly found myself wondering how it was exactly that one went about killing a werewolf. I supposed any conventional method would do…blood loss, destruction of a vital organ, neck or spinal fracture… but I found myself staggeringly unnerved at the fact that I didn't know the true answer to that question.

As we neared the house we slowed to a walk. I never let go of Edward's hand. I wondered momentarily if these were going to be the last moments we ever spent together. I would do everything in my power to make sure that didn't happen, I decided, but something told me that was going to be a difficult vow not to break. The way he was gripping my hand told me he was prepared to do anything and everything in his power to protect me. There was no doubt in my mind that he was ready to place his own life on the line to do so. It certainly wouldn't be the first time…

Carlisle glanced questioningly at Edward as we reached the house and Edward nodded. "There is someone inside," he informed his father, even sounding a little disappointed at this fact. I could tell from the uncertain tone of his voice that he couldn't tell who it was just yet, but based on Carlisle's assumptions, it was more than likely the Quileutes. I groaned inwardly and gripped Edward's hand a little tighter. So they _had _stayed. A part of me was hoping we might return to an empty house.

But then Edward's expression changed as he stared at what was left of the splintered and scathed front doors. Knitting his eyebrows together curiously, he let go of my hand for a moment and took a step onto the porch. Even Carlisle paused now, intrigued as to his son's antics.

Rosalie was first to ask, clearly unable to bear her brother's stunned silence for much longer. "What is it?" She inquired, tilting her blond head to one side curiously. Edward stopped when he reached the top of the steps and grasped the old railing with one hand suddenly, as though he could just barely stand on his own two feet. Turning slowly back to us, his expression was a strange mixture of sadness and bewilderment as well, as though he couldn't believe what he was picking up.

"It's not the wolves," he told us quietly, his velvet voice just barely audible in the hushed atmosphere of the morning. I watched as Jasper, Rosalie and Emmett exchanged stiff, daring glances with each other and myself. Our already hard bodies stiffened, tensing with the impact of this new information. We couldn't let ourselves hope. We couldn't let it go that far…

So there was someone else in the house. That didn't mean anything…but it was impossible to deter the gravity of the situation. Impossible to keep the life out of our eyes as we looked at Edward.

Carlisle only stared at his son, unblinking, unmoving, afraid to let himself think as we were.

Jasper was the one to say it as we stood there. "You don't think…" But he let his voice trail off and Carlisle was already moving then, pushing past Edward and crashing through the already half-ajar front doors. We were right behind him, not missing a step as we followed him into the huge, familiar front room. That's where we stopped, stunned.

The room – in fact the entire house – reeked of werewolf, but the stench was old. It wasn't difficult to figure out that the scent was stale. They'd already left, probably hours ago.

It was clear that the main living room had been almost completely destroyed, but somehow it didn't look so bad anymore. All the furniture was back in its prior positions and repaired in the best way it could be, although the surfaces were still marked and torn with the carpentry of massive teeth and claws. The piano seemed to be the only thing untouched. But these things weren't the reason we froze in our tracks the moment we got a look at the inside of the house…not by a long shot.

The reason we stood there, staring, breathless, was the sheer beauty that met our eyes as we looked at the fresh aspects of the room. None of this had been here before, we knew, but I felt my cold heart swell almost to the point of bursting in my chest as I looked at it, raising both hands to cover my mouth and knows in an attempt to stifle the wondrous cries that were threatening to shriek forth.

"Oh my God," I heard Rosalie whisper as she too, took in the sight before us. Our breath caught then, astonished.

The room was littered with what must have been hundreds of the most beautiful flowers I was certain I had ever seen. Blue, white and pink. The colors worked together gloriously as they dazzled everything from the floor to the walls…even the high ceiling above us. The dominant flowers – the ones that seemed to be the most plentiful – were the white lilies. I recognized them from the pool beneath the waterfall in the woods.

Candles shed an entirely different light on the room than the sunlight from outside could ever hope to do. In every corner of the room, against every wall, there were candles. There must have been a thousand of these. They stood everywhere not much different from the flowers, but these were in a vast variety of shapes and sizes. Some were in large, elegant holders and others stood freely, supported by their own, wide base. And all of them were lit, causing the room to dance with immaculate, golden light.

But it was the piano that truly caught our attention. Atop the beautifully furnished, mahogany wood was a set up so perfect that even the most creative, considerate human could never manage it. I knew it would have brought tears to my eyes if that were possible. I felt the lump in my throat tighten again, constricting my chest almost painfully.

There were two sets of candles on top of the piano, each set placed evenly in a smaller, but still glorious candle holder of its own. There were three in each set. And each decorative holder stood on either side of a framed photograph. The picture was in a standing frame, so it was propped up atop the wood of the piano. And in it, Esme's cheerful face smiled out of the glass, looking almost lifelike, almost real as her sweet, kind honey eyes and perfectly curved lips were frozen in an impossibly happy moment in time, suddenly seeming very long ago now. Her long, caramel hair flipped over one shoulder casually, she looked as beautiful as ever, as though the camera had in fact somehow done her unexpected justice.

Before the picture, lying formally on its side in front of the candles on the surface of the wood was the single, most full and perfect red rose I had ever seen. The pedals were so beautifully symmetrical and impossibly red, reminding me not of blood, but of life somehow…so vibrant and lovely…like Esme.

As I watched, unable to tear my eyes away from the beautiful sight, Carlisle took one, tentative step toward it. I was unable to see his face from the angle at which I stood – behind him – but I heard the bitter-sweet tone in his voice when he finally spoke, surprising all of us with the impossible amount of tenderness in his tone. "Who did this?" He asked of no one in particular, his voice barely above a whisper and quite tight with emotion as his eyes took in the glory of it all.

I thought, my mind even sounding as bewildered as my voice would have if I spoke. I was almost certain I knew the answer to that question. My breathing quickened as I realized what must have happened. Yes, I was sure of it. It had to be her. She'd seen it all and come back to fix everything. Alice. She was here. Now. Finally. A few hours too late, but that didn't matter now. She was here.

That's when the figure stepped out from the doorway to the staircase, halting in her tracks when she saw us. I glanced up, managing to tear my eyes away from the alter of sorts for the briefest moment. I quickly released the breath I had been holding as my eyes fell upon her. I had been close. The big, beautiful eyes and playful features. The lovely, sad smile. It wasn't Alice, but at least we had someone who would help us now. If anyone could, I knew she could. And I was glad for her presence. If we couldn't have Alice, this was the next best thing.

"I thought you might come back," Tanya said in her clear, bell-like voice as she took another step into the living room from the spot in which she'd been standing. I noted for the first time now that she was dressed in an incredible black gown of sorts. It hugged her curves perfectly, but still retained a presence of formality to it as it flowed over her shoulders and nearly completely down to the floor. It was stunningly simple, but elegant at the same time as it accompanied the sadly beautiful up-do of her red-blond hair.

In her hands she held something I wished I hadn't gotten the chance to see. I had to look away immediately before it sent chillingly unpleasant images to my head. The rest of my family pretended not to see the urn as she carried it forward and stood it purposefully on the piano next to the rose, the burning candles and the picture of Esme.

"I still would have gone through with this even if you hadn't, of course," Tanya continued, avoiding our sad gazes as she fingered the ridges of the frame that surrounded Esme's smiling face in the photograph. "Even by yourself, I think it's right to honor the dead." She looked up at Carlisle then, her eyes tender with affection as she spoke of Esme. "Don't you?"

I heard Edward take a deep breath next to me, which quickly turned into a sigh. "So the others then," he pressed, uncertain, "they're not…"

"No. I'm alone," she replied quickly before her young friend could finish. "They wanted to come, but they were needed where they were. Understandably. I had to come though." Her eyes flashed back to the photo of Esme and she sighed deeply. "I'm really going to miss her," she stated after a long moment of silence. "She was an amazing woman." She paused again. Turning her eyes back to us for the second time, she exhaled loudly, as though letting down her calm, composed barriers. "Carlisle, I'm…so sorry," she told him finally, her musical voice unbearably quiet as the gentle smile vanished from her features.

Carlisle was silent for a long moment, his eyes trained on the carpet under his feet. Finally though, he nodded. "Thank you," he murmured, his voice so tight it sounded agonizing as he strode forward suddenly, moving around Tanya to get to the staircase, which he bounded up too quickly for anyone to follow. Not that we would have anyway. We let him go willingly, allowing him to take the time he needed alone.

Tanya watched him go as well for a moment before turning back to us and closing her eyes for a long second, as though fighting back the emotion that was threatening to tear her apart. Finally, she shook her head. "He's not taking this well, is he?" She guessed, her voice heavy with grief and compassion for her friend as she stood there, hanging her head for a moment.

Edward sighed again and shook his head. "To be honest, I don't think any of us are," he replied quietly. "It…it was a nasty blow…to lose someone like her."

Tanya smiled a miniscule but meaningful smile as she took another small step toward us, bringing herself close enough now to reach out and touch Edward's arm with the gentlest of pressures. "I understand," she assured him softly. "And I truly am very sorry."

Edward dropped his eyes to the ground now and I could tell he was holding his breath, fighting down the sorrow that was undoubtedly creeping up into his throat. I looked at Tanya seriously then. "How did you know…?" I asked quietly after a long moment, but she answered quickly, her voice still as clear and impossibly strong as ever.

"Kate felt it," she answered, her voice flowing easily despite the strain on her throat. "She knew something terrible had happened. Then I got here and…" She didn't finish the statement. I could tell she was careful to be sensitive enough not to upset us with gruesome details. That's when my eyes flickered over the urn that sat atop the piano and I realized exactly what Tanya had done for us.

I quickly changed subjects, achingly resistant to think about that aspect of it anymore. "So, Kate is…like Alice?" I questioned quietly, suddenly convincing myself that I was curious enough to do so.

But Tanya shook her head. "Not exactly," she replied, seeming glad for the change of subject. "Kate has…premonitions about things. Not future things like our dear Alice, but things that are happening right now, this very moment that she can't see. She's almost always right." Tanya paused and laughed softly to herself as if at some private joke. "It's the same reason I detest playing poker against her."

No one laughed. I could tell Tanya was doing her best to get our spirits up, but it simply wasn't going to work. There was no way any of us were going to laugh today. But Tanya didn't seem discouraged in the least. She sighed and seated herself at the piano bench, facing us, still smiling that lovely, sad smile.

Emmett sighed now as well as he glanced around at the room. "We're just sorry this had to happen to your home," he apologized suddenly, his eyes scanning the scathed and torn furniture around us, but Tanya merely shrugged and waved dismissively, as though we should pay no attention to it in the least.

"Nonsense," she murmured in response as she too glanced around. "It's nothing compared to what you could have lost."

"Or what we did lose," I heard Rosalie mutter under her breath, just loud enough for the rest of us to hear.

Tanya sighed again. "I should think you'd all be very thankful you made it out okay," she attempted to reason with us. "It could have been much worse, after all."

Jasper spoke next, his voice suddenly agonized as we realized how little of us remained in the living room. With Carlisle gone, it was only the children, and not even _they _were all present. "Forgive us, Tanya, but we're just having a hard time believing that right now," he replied, his voice heavy through a tight sigh.

But again, the ancient vampire wasn't discouraged. She smiled a little wider now, astonishing all of us with her impossibly optimism. Then again, I supposed if you lived long enough, optimism became a very important aspect of every day life as well as dealing with tragedies.

"Well," she breathed finally, after a lengthy moment of heavy silence, "I think perhaps you should all go upstairs and get changed then. I was thinking of having a little…memorial service…for Esme."

"A _funeral_?" Rosalie repeated, distain for the idea coloring her tone.

Tanya shrugged. "Why not?" She retorted evenly. "Isn't it customary when someone dies to honor them with a celebration of their life?"

I exchanged brief glances with Edward and I knew Rosalie, Jasper and Emmett were doing the same behind us, all thinking along the lines of the same idea: why not? Tanya had a point. And we knew it was what Esme would have wanted, if anything at all.

I was the one to step forward, surprising myself with my own boldness. But this matter had to be addressed. Placing a grateful hand on Tanya's shoulder, I forced a smile onto my lips. "I think that's a very good idea," I agreed quickly, my eyes flitting over Esme's photograph again for a moment before turning back to face the rest of my family. "Edward," I called back to him tenderly in a voice barely above a whisper, "I'm going to get changed. I'll meet you back down here in a few minutes."

He stared at me for a long moment, clearly not entirely registering what I'd just told him, no matter how simple it may have been. Finally though, he nodded once in acknowledgment. "Okay," I whispered one last time before I turned and made for the staircase. I wasn't entirely certain what I was doing. Perhaps I was desperate to get past all of this somehow, I didn't know. Maybe I sincerely thought a funeral was the best idea for us at the moment, no matter how morbid it may seem. Maybe there was some, small, impossible chance it could help…somehow. I couldn't be sure, but for some reason I knew we had to do it. Perhaps there was no reasonable answer; we just had to do it.

Fortunately though, after a moment the rest of the family seemed to come to same conclusion I did, for they followed me up the stairs to our rooms.

I took my time getting dressed, knowing that none of this was going to happen quickly, no matter how badly we wanted it to. Mourning was something that could never be rushed. Death always felt so strange and morose when it touched one's life that it was impossible to just pass over without a second glance back. Grieving took time. Finally smiling for the first time again and truly meaning it took time. It felt impossibly foreign at the moment, the thought of smiling. Like a true, cheerful smile would never cross my lips again. Nothing would ever be the same again. Not with Esme gone. It seemed impossible that everything could just 'go back to normal'…or as normal as normal got for us. It would simply never happen.

I recalled Charlie telling me once after Harry died about the mourning process. It all sounded so sad to me. So deep, so…lifeless. And that's when I'd asked him 'but you get over it, right?' Then Charlie had shaken his head sadly. 'You just get on with it,' he'd told me.

I sighed. _Get on with it_. That certainly sounded like a much friendlier, more feasible option than getting 'over' it. Getting on with it, that I could do. Putting on a black dress that I'd borrowed from Tanya and combing my hair, that I could do. Walking back downstairs, that I could do.

When I'd finished changing and pulling my hair back into a clean, even ponytail, I stood before the mirror in the bedroom I'd been assigned to use. I smoothed down a few stray strands of my dark hair, tucking them behind my ears. Then I glanced down at the dress I was wearing. It seemed to fit well enough. Tanya was slightly taller than I was, but she was about the same size around.

I stared at my eyes for a long moment. I still detested the vibrant red coloring that seemed to leap out at me every time I looked in the mirror, so obvious that there was no way I could hide them or pretend they were of different coloring, such as the old, familiar brown they once were. It was impossible to do that now. They were simply too…red.

I sighed. _"Well, would you just look at those eyes?...They're so beautiful."_

I felt the hard, vengeful lump catch in my throat again as I remembered those words that had been spoken to me not long after I was changed. And I remembered who'd spoken them. Collapsing back into a sitting position on the bed, I doubled over in despair, resting my forehead in one hand and hugging my chest with the other, attempting almost desperately to stop the pain before it ripped out my heart completely.

A broken sob caught in my throat, constricting my chest until I thought I would burst. I wanted so badly to cry…and for the first time in my life…I couldn't. I wanted to relieve the strain on my throat that hurt so bloody much. And, as much as I had never realized it before, tears seemed to be a way to relieve the internal pain as well. Releasing tension and stress through saltwater was a concept that I had never been familiarized with, but suddenly it seemed all too true as I thought about it. Humans had it good. They could cry when they were sad. Bleed when they were hurt. But we couldn't do that. And so the pain continued to build until we could find another way to release it…no wonder vampires had such bad tempers.

And there was someone else who should have been here at a time like this as well. "Oh, Alice," I found myself whispering as I squeezed my eyes tightly shut and shook my forehead against the inside of my fist, "where are you?"

That's when I heard it. The music that floated meaningfully up the long staircase and through my bedroom door directly to my ears, as though I and only I were meant to hear it. Another dry sob swelled in my throat and I let out a deep breath as I listened, closing my eyes again after glancing up to look at the closed door between me and the hallway. "Oh, God…"

Slowly, I got to my feet. The music became unbearably loud as I opened my bedroom door and took a few tentative steps into the hall. Then one onto the step. Then another one onto the step below it. I felt as though I were on autopilot, drawn to those agonizingly familiar notes as they drifted up the stairs.

When I reached the bottom, I paused in the doorway that opened up into the huge living room. Edward was there, already dressed in a black suit and tie, seated at the piano bench. He seemed to be the first one ready. He was alone in the living room. With his normally disheveled hair combed smoothly down and his face sullen as he played, I couldn't help but notice the sad spark of life that came into his eyes as he hit the chords that we both knew and loved so much.

I heaved a heavy-hearted sigh and rested my temple against the side of the doorframe, listening. Emotion built up in my chest the more I listened. I had to close my eyes, but then I quickly decided that was a bad idea and reopened them as memories began to flash across my suddenly isolated mind. I remembered the image of Esme, standing behind us the first time I had gone to their house, smiling proudly as she listened to her son hit the ivory keys in perfect order, perfect timing, some simultaneously. Her sweet voice echoed around the boundaries of my memory. _"Well, play for her." "You just said showing off was rude." "There are exceptions to every rule."_

Slowly, the unbearably sweet notes rolled to a gentle close. Edward sighed and looked up at me in the doorway. He's known I was there, I knew. But it seemed he'd never let his eyes stray from the keys as he did now. Our eyes met and locked for a long moment, a meaningfulness passing between us that only came from being on the same brain wave. He was remembering exactly the same thing I was.

"It…was her favorite," he stated finally, his eyes falling back to the piano as he fingered the edge of one of the keys, careful not to disturb the sudden silence by putting pressure on it.

I nodded. "I know," I replied, my voice anguished with the strain of desired tears.

Breathing a sigh for what felt like the billionth time today, I crossed the small distance to the piano and seated myself carefully next to Edward, resting my head against his shoulder as he welcomed me into the safe, comforting hold of one of his arms. He rubbed the length of my upper arm over several times for a long moment. I felt him rest his cheek against the top of my head as we both raised our eyes to look at the framed picture that still stood so naturally atop the piano.

I sighed yet again and closed my eyes, enjoying the feeling of his arm around me again. "I wish she was here now," I half-whispered, anguished.

I felt Edward's gentle lips connect with my hair. "I know, Bella," he crooned as he continued to stroke my arm lovingly. "I know. I think we all do." We sat like that for a long moment, silent, still, before Edward finally pulled away, but only enough to look down into my face. He still kept me securely under the comforting hold of his arm. "So you know what I do?" He murmured after another long moment. Without waiting for an answer, he continued. "I try to imagine what she would say."

I lowered my eyes to my lap now and managed a soft laugh somehow, barely a ghost of a laugh, hardly anything at all, a loud, shortened breath maybe, but it _was _a laugh. "'Stop moping around?'" I guessed after I thought about it for a while.

Edward chuckled now too and nodded. "Maybe," he offered his quiet agreement as he raised his eyes to the photograph again. "Maybe."

There was another long moment of silence as Edward pulled me against him again. Finally though, he parted his smooth, glass-like lips again to speak, talking so quietly that if there had been anyone else in the room, only I would have been able to hear. "Bella, after the funeral Carlisle wants to leave," he stated quickly, forcing himself to take a deep breath before he did so.

I was the one to pull away this time, looking up into Edward's face with a concerned expression on my saddened features. "Leave?" I repeated, confused.

Edward sighed and nodded, deliberately avoiding my gaze. "Yes," he breathed airily, his tone suggesting that he didn't like the idea at all himself. "Tanya managed to talk some sense into him and he thinks it would be best if we left…to find Alice."

I stared at him for a long moment, unblinking before he pressed on.

"She's been missing an awfully long time now and he thinks it would be best if the family were all together at a time like this."

I nodded in agreement. "And what do _you _think?"

He shrugged and lowered his gaze further still. "I think it's vitally important that we find my sister," he paused, "but I also think it's still very dangerous to leave again without knowing where or when the wolves will strike. We're safe in the house now. Tanya's here. As small and sweet-natured as she is, believe me, no wolf would chance an ambush while she's here."

I shuddered at the thought.

"And I also think that Carlisle's right in the sense that he wants to limit the number of us that leave for our own safety – he would go alone if he could…but he needs one other person to go with him, and I think he's wrong in who he's chosen."

I stared at Edward for a long moment again, silent, my gaze gauging his expression. I wasn't so thick as to be unclear on a matter such as this. It was ridiculously simple to decipher. "He wants you to go with him." It wasn't a question.

Just the same, Edward avoided the answer. "Jasper wanted to go himself, understandably, but he would be no good to Carlisle on a search for Alice. I on the other hand…"

"You could help find her," I finished for him, knowing.

Edward stared at me for a silent moment and finally nodded. "Yes."

I wasn't a slow or simple person…or…vampire rather. I knew what this meant. I fought down the fear that threatened to bury me as I thought about this for what felt like several, very long minutes. I tried not to remember the last time Edward had said something like this to me…not exactly along the same lines, but close enough to tug at the fault lines in my chest where my heart had been ripped out the first time.

For the longest of moments, I held perfectly still, my eyes wide and fixed on his beautiful face. Finally, I forced myself to take a deep breath. "Okay," I said abruptly, my voice sounding hoarse and cracked out of the silence. "Okay." I had to remind myself to jumpstart my brain again. It had frozen, locking down for impact. But for the moment I could think again. Not to any surprise of my own, my thoughts went to Alice, wherever she was.

"Edward, you have to go," I stated finally, having to focus very hard on making my voice sound calm. "You have to go and find Alice. She needs you." As I'd reminded myself earlier, I wasn't a stupid person. I knew this could take weeks, months, maybe years if the situation was truly dire. But I also knew that it was something that had to be done, for better or for worse.

Edward took my face then, almost roughly between his hands. "But _I _need _you_," he reminded me simply.

I sighed and lowered my gaze. "Then I'll go with you," I concluded finally, sounding immensely satisfied with my decision, but Edward shook his head.

"You can't. I won't let you endanger yourself like that."

I groaned audibly then and rolled my eyes. "Well, then, make up your mind!" I commanded irritably. "Either we both stay or we both go…but you at least _need _to go, Edward. You know that. We both know that." I thought I'd won the argument when he dropped his eyes to his lap again, breathing a heavy sigh.

"I can't go without you," he concluded finally. "And I won't. I made a promise to you that I would never leave you again…and I won't."

I knew what this meant. He didn't mean he was going to bring me along. He would never allow that. He wanted to stay…but _I _wasn't going to allow _that._

Forcing myself to take a deep breath to clear my tightened throat, I had to push my next words over my lips, as much as it pained me to do so. "You have to." It came out in a whisper. It was almost a physical blow as I said it. It hurt because I knew it was true. There was no way around it. Goodbye was the only solution.

And as I stared up into the deep, golden pools that were his eyes, I could see clearly that he knew it too. The fault line in my chest rippled.

He took my face in his hands again, clearly seeing the pain in my eyes and fighting it down with his own opposing gaze as he looked at me with an expression that was more intense than I'd ever seen on him before. "Bella, listen to me," he stated, his normally smooth voice almost rough with urgency. "It'll be different this time. I promise. It'll be different because this time I _am _coming back."

My chest hurt badly. I visibly cringed.

"We _will _see each other again. That's a promise. I'll go and find Alice. You stay here…be safe."

I subconsciously fingered the diamond on my left hand, remembering the engraving on the inside of the band. I had to force myself to nod. "Okay." Again, it was a barely audible, anguished whisper. I struggled against the agony that was slowly overtaking my chest. "Just…just promise me one more thing." I closed my eyes for a moment, waiting for the answer I so desperately needed to hear.

Edward stared at me, and finally nodded.

"Promise me you won't let anything happen to yourself," I whispered, opening my eyes to look up into his. I needed to see the sincerity there. The truth. "Promise me you'll stay alive…no matter the cost. I need you to stay alive. I couldn't survive it if I lost you too."

Edward was still for another lengthy minute, staring down at my through unreadable eyes. Finally though, he inhaled and his eyes bore into my soul as he spoke. "Bella, I would promise you anything in the world if it would make you believe that I _am _coming back. I _will _find you again." All too suddenly, he bent his head and thrust his lips against mine, moving them with an urgency I'd felt twice before since we'd met. Each time had ended in goodbye. Breaking away finally, he stared at me with a sincerity that would have convinced the most cynical of creatures.

But I wasn't convinced. "Promise me," I repeated, relentless. I needed to hear him say it.

Finally, he sighed, defeated. "I will if you will."

I thought about this and nodded finally. "I promise." I didn't particularly care if something happened to _me_, but if it made him promise that he wouldn't let anything happen to him, then I would say I did as well.

He stared at me, scrutinizing my expression to gauge the sincerity of my statement. Finally, he seemed satisfied. He nodded. "Alright then," he murmured. "I promise too."

The memorial service passed without anything of consequence occurring. We'd known what to expect from the beginning and it was exactly as any funeral would be carried out. We sat, stone-faced and sullen while Tanya read the eulogy she'd prepared. She was the only one strong enough, it seemed, to do so and as she spoke, she spoke with such clarity and strength that none of us regretted the decision of allowing her to do it. But it wasn't the tone of her voice that forced happiness upon our decision. It was her words.

"Esme Cullen…was a very special soul," was her opening line. "I think anyone who knew her can testify to that. She was kind-hearted and sweet-natured, and her mothering instincts certainly left nothing to be desired. I think I can safely say that no where in this vast world of ours exists her equal.

"Now, death certainly has a strange way of falling upon us when it does. It hits so quickly that even if it was to be expected, no one could have prepared themselves for it. It's foreign and frightening…and very, very painful when someone whom we all loved so much…is snatched away from us in the blink of an eye, sometimes without allowing for the chance to say goodbye."

At this statement, my eyes flickered to Edward's face. It was hard and unreadable, but I knew what he was thinking.

Tanya pressed on, her eyes skimming the page before her at an impossible pace. "But life always finds a strange way to make all of that alright. When we remember the good times we shared with her, it warms our hearts to a point where we simply don't feel the pain anymore. It's not that it isn't there of course, but it feels a little less strenuous when we are able to smile at the memories. It relieves the pain in a way that nothing else can…not even crying."

I instantly took note of this statement. So that was it. That was what had to be done. Just one meaningful smile? That's all it took?

"Someone once told me that even a thousand tears could never equal the worth of one smile. And if I remember correctly, Esme had a smile that valued a thousand times more than anyone else's. She looked at the world through nurturing eyes. Loving eyes. She had a good soul and nothing, _nothing _could ever take that away from her. Not even in death."

I glanced at Edward curiously. He'd once told me he didn't believe in the afterlife for us, but how could he seriously entertain the notion that there was possibly nothing left for someone as wonderful as Esme had been. He had to believe she'd gone somewhere, met some kind of incredible destiny. How could God not welcome someone like her into his kingdom of heaven?

"And we have to believe, that even in death, Esme would never abandon us. She loved her husband and children more than anything else in the world and still does. She is with us even now, as we mourn. Go outside. Listen to the birds sing. The crickets chirp in the grass. Listen to the gentle whistle of the wind in the trees and I promise you…you _will _hear her. She is here, in our hearts and in our memories. And as much as it pains us to say goodbye, we have to let her go. For it is our hearts, our smiles and our memories…that will keep her alive forever."

I could have sworn in that moment that if we had been humans instead of vampires, there wouldn't have been a dry eye in the room. There wasn't a word in Tanya's speech that wasn't of the utmost truth. It was true, some of it hurt to hear, but every word was of the most sincere honesty, and hearing it brought every one of us a hopeful and comforting message: she would never really leave us. As long as we remembered her, she would never truly die.

Tanya gingerly folded the piece of paper from which she was reading into quarters and placed it delicately atop the piano, next to the assortment of beautiful things that had compiled there over the last little while. She then turned to look at Carlisle, who stood, motionless at the back of the room, listening.

"Carlisle," she called softly, her melodic voice barely above a whisper as she addressed him, "would you like to say something?"

I twisted around in my chair to see what his answer would be, but, to my – and everyone else's – disappointment, he merely shook his head no. "No, thank you, Tanya," he replied, having to clear his throat before he spoke again. "I think you said it all."

She watched him for a moment and then nodded respectfully in response to his decision. "Alright. As long as you're sure."

He nodded now. "I am," he replied. "But if you don't mind," he added quickly, his voice growing tight again, "I'd like to spend…one last moment alone with her."

I couldn't help but manage a small, sad smile as I looked at him then. I thanked heaven for his last statement. He was beginning to sound like his old self again, which was something none of us had ever expected. Tanya certainly was a miracle worker.

Tanya nodded once in his direction, smiling thankfully, as though she were thinking exactly the same thing. "Of course," she whispered once in response before ushering the rest of us out of the room. It cleared fairly quickly, although I hung back for a moment, just long enough to touch Carlisle's arm meaningfully as he passed me on the way to the piano. He halted, looked over at me for a moment. I granted him a sympathetic but reassuring smile before turning and continuing on my way out the doorway to the staircase with Edward. As we left I was certain I caught a glimpse of Carlisle out of the corner of my eye, seating himself heavily on the piano bench before the picture, the rose, the candles, the urn and the written eulogy.

Once in the hallway of sorts though, I paused, wondering. Maybe I should speak to Carlisle. He seemed to respond well enough to me merely looking at him. Perhaps I could help in some small way.

Noting my hesitation, Edward turned back to face me as he reached the base of the stairs, his expression questioning.

"You go on upstairs and get changed," I told him in a quiet, serious voice. "I'll meet you out front in a minute. There's something I've got to do first." Perhaps I felt it my responsibility to do so, I couldn't be sure. All I knew was I had to do it. Just like so many things I had done in the last agonizing twenty-four hours. _Not even that. _I stunned myself at the sense of haste that hit me then. All of this had happened so quickly.

But Edward seemed to understand as he granted me one small, crooked smile that never reached his eyes before turning and continuing up the staircase to his room.

I forced myself to take a deep breath then. I smoothed down my hair and straightened out the wrinkles in my dress before turning and striding as confidently as I could back toward the living room. I stopped though, when I heard his voice…

"How do I…even begin to say goodbye to you?"

I paused, hesitating a moment too long.

"I've attended a lot of graves, Esme. I never thought I'd be attending yours."

I knew I shouldn't have listened. I knew this was a moment more sacred, more private than any I could even come close to being privileged enough to experience. I shouldn't have been there. I shouldn't have turned and rested by back against the wall outside the living room. I shouldn't have listened. But I did.

Carlisle's voice tightened suddenly, frightening me with the knowledge that I if I hadn't known who he was, I would have been certain he was crying. "When you were carried down that road to my hospital for the first time…I never knew how long the road would be…" his voice broke, "or how wonderful it would be sharing it with _you_." I heard the soft tap of the piano cover closing over the keys, undoubtedly so he could lean on it. "So I don't know how I could…" his voice was agonizingly strained with emotion, "just drive away without you now…"

I heard a broken, dry sob escape his lips, startling me. "Oh, Esme…what am I ever going to do without _you_?" I heard him kiss something; the picture maybe. His voice came out in a cracked whisper next. "I love you."

That was it. I felt I'd heard enough. I wasn't supposed to be listening to this in the first place. It wasn't for me to hear. So I sighed quietly to myself and marched slowly toward the stairs, being careful to remain out of Carlisle's line of vision as I made my way as quietly as I could up to my bedroom, where I threw myself onto the mattress of the bed, burying my face in the pillow there and allowing the last wracking sobs of the ordeal to burst out of me, tearless.

It couldn't have been more than ten minutes that passed before I finally picked myself up off the bed and made my way downstairs. I heard the roar of one of the motorcycles' engines and flew down the spiral staircase, desperate to get my very capable goodbye in before someone else I loved disappeared from my sight.

As I reached the front door and swung it open, stepping out into the bright, summer sunlight, I noted that the others seemed to have already said their goodbyes. They stood on the porch, out of the way as Edward mounted his own bike next to his father.

But the moment he saw me his eyes widened and he dismounted again, spreading his arms readily as I flew into them, burying my face in his shoulder and clinging to him with enough force to shatter his bones if I wanted to. Carlisle killed the motor on his vehicle and stepped off as well, realizing that it was going to be another minute or two before they got the chance to leave.

I held onto Edward for a lengthy minute before drawing back just enough to look into his perfect face. "You were going to leave without saying goodbye," I accused, only half joking as I took his face gingerly between my hands.

He chuckled, a heavy, forced sound. "Oh, Bella, I thought maybe you didn't…"

"Want another sad goodbye?" I whispered before he could finish, my eyes boring into him seriously.

He sighed, gauging my expression. "Yes."

I felt the despair creeping up into my throat as I looked at him then, shattered at the thought that I'd almost missed my chance to talk to him one last time. "Oh, Edward." I stretched up on my tiptoes and caught him on the lips, inhaling sharply as his hands found the back of my head and neck and held my face up to his for a moment that exceeded my intentions. His lips were hard, urgent. It was that goodbye kiss that I'd always dreaded so much.

"I'll be back," he whispered urgently when he finally broke away, dropping me back on the ground so I was standing flat on my feet again. "I promise."

I thought for a moment, debating. Finally, I decided to say it. After all, now may be the only chance I ever got to do so. "Edward," I murmured after a long moment of silence in his arms, "I need you to make me a third promise."

He looked down at me seriously, his eyes scrutinizing as he waited for me to continue.

"I need you to promise me that if anything happens to me…"

"Bella, nothing…"

"Please, Edward, just let me finish," I cut him off before he could say the words that I'd heard so many times before. "If anything happens to me," my eyes flickered over Carlisle for a brief instant, then they were back on Edward, "you won't become a monster." I dreaded the thought of Edward acting the way Carlisle had the night before or even early this morning. I couldn't bear the thought of hearing him say the words that I'd heard Carlisle state to his wife only moments before. I wasn't going to let that happen. He wouldn't feel that way. It wasn't right.

But Edward was silent for a long moment, unanswering. I knew what he was thinking without having to read his mind. He couldn't promise me something like that.

"Promise me, or I'm coming with you," I threatened, not joking in the least anymore.

He nodded without further hesitation. "I promise."

I felt him tighten his hold around my back as he held me against him, inching his face closer to mine after a moment. "And Bella?" He murmured again, his voice so low this time that even I had trouble hearing.

"Yes?" I asked when he didn't continue.

"When I get back…I'm going to marry you." His voice was so unbelievably tender that it caused the emotions I had been holding at bay to burst forth through the coherent damn I'd built up. Throwing my hands from his chest around his neck one more time, I inhaled the wonderful, familiar aroma of his leather jacket deeply.

I squeezed my eyes closed, praying that somehow, this moment could last me for the rest of eternity. I never wanted to let him go. I knew that if I let him go, he was going to disappear. My heart began tearing out of place. "I love you," I whispered in his ear without opening my eyes.

He squeezed me more tightly against him at this. "I love you too."

Then his grip loosened. I felt deep, agonizing anguish rip at my heart as I let go of him too, allowing him to step back toward his motorcycle.

Inexplicably, my eyes turned in Carlisle's direction. He stood by his own bike, unsmiling as he looked at me, although I couldn't help but notice as some of the old light of compassion came back into his eyes. For reasons I could not fathom myself, I stepped toward him, sighing deeply as I looked up into his kind face. Then I did something I had never done before. I threw my arms around his neck, hugging him tightly.

At first I felt the muscles in his chest tense with shock from the ordeal, but then he seemed to relax. I felt his arms encircle my back ever tentatively, holding me carefully for a long moment before I finally pulled away. "Carlisle," I half-whispered, knowing there would be tears in my eyes if there could have been, "you once told me that you've never seen anything in four hundred years to make you doubt the existence of God…in one form or another…not even in the reflection in the mirror."

He watched me seriously for a long moment, curious, waiting for me to continue.

"And I believed you," I pressed, desperate to get this out before I lost my chance. "You said that you believed there is a point to this life, even for us. You said that even though it was a long shot, even if we _were _all damned regardless, you hoped that we would get some measure of credit for trying. Do you remember that?"

Slowly, he nodded, clearly recalling that night at the kitchen table when he'd stitched up the gruesome gash in my arm.

"Well," I continued, sighing heavily as I looked up into his lonely, beautiful eyes, "I believed you then too. And I still do. I believe that we all have a reason for being here, whether it's for each other or ourselves. And the night of the fire you said that we were still a family…no matter what happens."

He stared at me for a long moment then, impressed by my boldness and clearly thinking over everything I had told him. Finally though, he nodded his expression still serious, but somehow a little brighter as his wise eyes took me in. "Thank you." He told me kindly after another silent moment. "That's very true…and don't you ever forget it."

Finally, I smiled. A smile that meant something. A smile that truly portrayed how I felt: relieved. Relieved that Carlisle finally seemed to be coming into his own again. His mind was clearing out of all the bad stuff. He was sparking back to being the flame of his old self. "I won't." I promised him gently before taking another step back, nodding my acknowledgement at his departure. He nodded too…and then remounted his motorcycle.

I looked at Edward then, my expression altering drastically as I came to the horrifying realization that this was it. This was the moment. This was really goodbye.

"Goodbye, Bella," he murmured softly in my direction before mounting his own bike, but his expression was optimistic as his beautiful ochre eyes took me in. "I'll see you again soon. That's a promise."

I managed another miniscule, meaningless smile. "I'll hold you to it," I attempted to lighten the situation by saying. The crooked smile I received then was completely, one hundred percent worth my pained efforts. My spirits soared when I saw it. Then he winked. I heard him rev the throttle once or twice. And then he was gone.

I kept my eyes fixed on the back of his leather jacket until it was completely out of sight, the roaring sound of the motors fading all too quickly into the distance. The agony that hit my chest then was excruciating. I felt like audibly crying out, maybe dropping to my knees and curling up the way I had that night in the woods. My heart hurt. It was more than an emotional pain. It became physical when I was unable to shed the tears I so desperately wanted to release.

That's when I heard Rosalie's voice from behind me on the porch. "And then there were four…"


	38. Chapter 38: In Love We Trust

**Author's Note: Okay, here we go…**

**Chapter 38: In Love We Trust**

I stared at the fire for what must have been hours. When I finally looked up again the sun had disappeared beyond the mountains out the window. I think Tanya had been trying to comfort me in some small way or another, but I couldn't be sure. I couldn't really be sure of anything anymore.

I sat on the couch with my arms crossed tightly over my chest – a stance I never thought (or prayed) I would need ever again. All too suddenly I felt vulnerable. Too vulnerable. Like I could shatter into a million tiny, jagged pieces at any given moment. It was a feeling I never thought vampires of all things were capable of. They had always seemed so indestructible to me. So impossibly strong.

Edward was gone. Gone. I had to silently repeat this to myself a thousand times over in my head before I was really able to believe it. Gone. _Gone_. As in, no longer there. No longer there for me to hold or kiss or talk to. Gone. The agony that coursed through me when I considered this notion was…unspeakable. For a while I entertained the atrocious idea that, if he hadn't promised so profoundly to return, I might already be on my way to Italy myself. If anything happened to him…

Then of course, I knew I was just being selfish. Alice needed him. I'd been a 'primary witness' – as Charlie would have put it – to the connection between Edward and his sister and I couldn't deny that it was certainly one of the strongest I'd ever seen. Close to the way Jacob communicated with the rest of his pack – openly, with no secrets and only the purest of affection for one another. Jacob…

It was difficult not to think of him too. Though he didn't deserve it…maybe that was it. Perhaps I'd finally gotten to the point of hating him so immensely that it was dominating my thought process. I wasn't entirely certain what I could do about any of it, but if there was one thing I was sure of, it was that I wasn't entirely opposed to the idea of tearing the dog to shreds. God forbid that I ever cross paths with him again…Heaven only knew what I might be capable of doing…

I pushed my thoughts back to Alice. Dear Alice. Where was she? There had to be an explanation for her disappearance, I was sure. I only hoped it wasn't the one we were all afraid of. If anyone could find her, I consoled myself with my musings, it was Edward. He not only knew how she smelled and moved, but also how she _thought_. He would figure this whole thing out for us, I promised myself silently as I watched the red-orange flames in Tanya's open fireplace dance across the logs, crackling and popping every so often with a spray of dazzling sparks. He had to.

There was a heavy impact on the cushion next to me, startling me from my musings as I bounced a little on the springs.

Emmett's playful, ochre eyes fell on mine as I turned to look at him.

"You okay?" He asked in a voice so tender and caring that I almost didn't recognize it as his own. It was so…_brotherly_. Still, I couldn't bring myself to say more than I had to in response.

I nodded stiffly. "Yeah," I whispered, returning my gaze to the fire. It wasn't true of course, but it hurt so much…_everything_ hurt so much. I simply wasn't in the mood to dignify it by talking about it.

As expected, Emmett's thick, bushy eyebrows knitted together in obvious skepticism. "Really?"

I heaved a heavy sigh, finally turning my eyes back to his. Before I could stop myself, before I was even aware of what was happening, everything was flooding out in one, long, hideous rant. And I wasn't up to the challenge of stopping it. "Well, how could I be, Emmett!?" I exclaimed, my voice suddenly doubling in volume. "Could you be? I had to go through several, painfully long months of missing your stupid brother once before and I know it's selfish, but I can't shake the idea that it's all happening all over again!" My voice started to break. "I just got your family and now I feel like I'm losing it already, piece by piece. First Alice, then Esme and Carlisle and now _Edward_! I can't take it anymore! And now I don't know if I'll ever see him again…"

My voice trailed off as the ripping sobs finally made it impossible to speak. I didn't care that I had blown up on Emmett not too differently than a waiting volcano might. I wasn't looking at him now, but I was sure that if I was his expression would have been something to behold to say the least. I'd probably horrified him into never wanting to speak to me again.

But then something happened that astonished me to my very core. Two, impossibly huge arms encircled my shoulders, pulling me into one strong, burly chest, where I buried my face and heaved heavy, tearless sobs, never planning to pull away again.

That brotherly voice broke through again, just above my ridiculous racket. "No, Bella," he protested calmly, the timbre in his voice impossibly caring. "Bella, no, you can't believe that. Shh." One of his dinner-plate sized hands traced the length of my spine, caressing my back gently in a hopeless attempt to quiet my blubbering. "Shh," he repeated just barely above a whisper now. "Shh. It's okay. Everything's going to be fine, you'll see."

Suddenly my face was looking up at his again, severely cynical. "_How?_" I demanded, challenging his reassurance with a good hard look at the facts. Alice had been kidnapped – how, I wasn't entirely sure – and was now missing, Esme was…dead – the thought still repulsed me immensely so, Jasper and Carlisle were both virtually gone themselves and now Edward…loving, passionate, attentive Edward…had been lost to the mayhem as well. It was too much. Far too much for any family to come back from, wasn't it? How could anything that was so intensely devastated ever bounce back and regenerate itself? Was it even possible? It certainly didn't seem like it…

"Bella," Emmett's low voice took a more sober turn, "did you really mean everything you said out there today?" He nodded in the direction of the front porch. "That we'll always be a family? No matter what?"

I stared back at him for a long moment, unblinking, trying my hardest to see what he was getting at. "Of course…" I finally replied, the words coming out outlandishly slowly.

Triumph darted across Emmett's liquid-gold eyes. "Well then that's how," he stated simply, as though the answer should have been childishly obvious. "We'll just stay a family." He shrugged. "Easy. As long as we do that, you can't ever lose sight of us."

Finally, I blinked. I felt one corner of my mouth curve upwards in what could have passed for the tiniest hint of a smile. "You make it sound so simple," I remarked somewhat bluntly, considering the concept for a long minute.

Emmett beamed. It was blinding. "Maybe it's simpler than you think," he reasoned in a voice that was too quiet for him. "A lot of things are, you know."

I took another long, silent moment to let his words sink in, pondering them to the point where they didn't really make a lot of sense anymore. Eventually my head produced a dull throb from the profound thought process that only seemed to be going in pointless circles, never truly reaching a conclusion. I had to wonder for a moment if vampires were capable of getting head aches. I didn't think so. Head ache's required blood in the brain, didn't they? Then again, I supposed I still had to have _some _blood in my brain. It would be another several months before that faded away with everything else. And I had to think somehow, didn't I? Or did vampires need blood to think? Could they just use their venom instead? Suddenly it was this matter that was giving me a headache.

My exasperated sigh was what broke the silence as I dropped my head back onto Emmett's heavily-muscled chest, letting it thump carelessly into the groove between his head and his shoulder, closing my eyes against the cold skin of his neck. "Thanks anyway," I murmured against his skin, breathing in his sweet scent as I did so and trying to imagine that it was Edward's. I couldn't though. It was too…musky.

I let my head shake with the shudder of his shoulders then as he laughed, not at all amused myself. "Couldn't quite live up to Edward's standards, could I?" He chuckled good-naturedly as I felt him rest his cheek against the top of my head.

I didn't answer. Thinking about Edward now hurt more than I thought it would. It surprised me that, even though I knew I would be seeing him again soon enough, the feeling wasn't all that different from the anguish that had gripped me before, when he'd left me the first time. Still, I decided I wasn't going to allow that sort of…remission to happen to me again. I wasn't going to block out all thoughts of him simply because it pained me to consider them. I'd learned from experience that it would only hurt me more to disallow any thoughts of him at all. I was like a rat, learning to stay in the middle of its cage by being shocked by the wires around the outside too many times. And I would stay in the middle, alone and forgotten until someone's kind hand came and lifted me out again.

"I just love him so much," I whispered, my voice agonized against Emmett's neck. I felt his hold tighten around my shoulders.

"I know," his low voice sounded booming even in the smallest of volumes. "And he loves you too. More than you know. He would never do this to you if it wasn't for one of us…or _all _of us, in this case."

I forced out a meager nod. "I know," I somehow managed to croak. "I know." I pulled myself up into a more formal position again then, feeling as though I was beginning to get a proper hold on myself once more. "And at least I have you guys with me this time," I reasoned more to myself than to Emmett as I returned my eyes to the fireplace, letting them settle into place again with no intent whatsoever to shift anymore. "Losing you and Alice and Jasper and Rosalie and Carlisle and Esme along with Edward was one of the hardest things about it all. At least now I know I'm not alone."

From the corner of my eye I caught Emmett's slow nod. He turned his head slightly, glancing in the direction of the staircase where I knew Jasper was sitting just out of earshot. "No," he agreed solemnly. "You're not alone."

I thought about this for a long minute. I was quite lucky, actually, I finally decided. Despite everything, _somehow _I was still alive. _Somehow _Edward and I were still together…in a way. I still had the family I'd always so desperately longed for and better than anything else, I was part of it. If anything, there was really more good in all of this than bad. I was being a pessimist.

I wondered briefly where Jacob and the pack had gotten to. They certainly weren't here. And as long as Tanya hung around, they never would be. But Edward was out _there_. Vulnerable. Alone. With no protection whatsoever, save for Carlisle of course. He may have had four hundred years worth of experience under his belt, but could he take on a six-pack of werewolves? I almost laughed at my own terminology. It wasn't funny at all of course. A six-pack was what they were. Six, massive, vicious canines with fangs and claws designed specifically for tearing _our _species to shreds. I shuddered despite the heat that was radiating off of the fire.

_Were _there still six of them? As this thought suddenly entered my mind, I felt I had to ask…for reasons that were unfathomable even to me. "Emmett?" I questioned suddenly, my voice alight with curiosity.

He raised his eyebrows, although didn't look away from the fire. "Hmm?"

"Which of the wolves _did _you shoot? The night that Esme…" I didn't finish the explanation. I felt guilty enough as it was for even asking the question.

Emmett's eyes turned on me all too suddenly, and I wondered momentarily if it truly was betrayal that I'd caught flashing across them for the briefest of seconds. "Why?" He demanded, not masking his irritation at all well.

Hastily, I rearranged my features, desperate to make this appear as innocent as possible. "Well," I regrouped, considering my words thoroughly before I let them roll off my tongue, "I spent a lot of time with them and –"

"Yes?" Emmett's tone was piercing.

"And I was just wondering for…strategic purposes. I mean, I know which ones are weaker and which are smarter and swifter and such. Maybe it could help if I knew." _Nice_. _Very nice. _I'd handled that surprisingly smoothly, I decided with silent self-congratulations. I wasn't entirely sure my true reasoning for asking myself, but I _did _want to know. And I was going to get an answer out of him one way or the other.

Still, Emmett didn't look entirely convinced. He eyed me suspiciously for a long moment before he answered, finally seeming to decide that I was being truthful enough. "The brown one," he told me hesitantly.

I froze, trying to regain control of my expression before it betrayed me. _Easy, _I told myself quietly. I had to make this next part sound credible or it would give me away. "Brown?" I repeated, trying harder than reason to control the trembling in my voice. "Are you sure?"

Emmett nodded, satisfied. "Yup," he replied, a challenge in his tone. "Which one is that?"

I tried to look nonchalant, pretending to think for a long moment before I answered. "Uh…let's see," I lowered my eyes to the couch cushion beneath us, thoughtful. "There are a few brown ones. Which one did you shoot?" My eyes darted back up to his, focusing hard on repressing their anticipation.

Emmett looked thoughtful too, only his seemed genuine. "Um, the darker one I think."

I looked at him seriously. "Darker?" I repeated. "Are you sure?"

Emmett was unbearably silent again, as though he was aware of how much he was torturing me and he was enjoying it. "Yes," he said finally. "I remember now. I was aiming for the more reddish one and missed. I caught the darker one in the flank."

Finally, I let out the breath I hadn't even been aware I'd been holding in one louder-than-intended whoosh and collapsed back onto the couch frame, resting my head against the back cushion. "Okay, that's Jared," I confirmed more to myself than anyone as I went back to staring at the fire.

Emmett shrugged indifferently, as though he hadn't even noticed my relief. "Not that it matters much," he muttered in a discrete tone of correction. "He's probably fine by now anyway. It didn't look like a killing blow. Damn weapons. I knew we should have just used what God gave us in the first place." He flashed me two rows of brilliantly white teeth.

I had to frown though despite his seemingly indestructible humor. I shook my head somewhat cynically and sighed. "God," I breathed airily, repeating the word as though it were a curse. "Do you seriously think God would ever want anything to do with us?"

Emmett elbowed me meaningfully, his eyes trained solely on my face once more. "Hey," he said suddenly, his voice accusing, "what happened to all that good faith you had earlier today?" His eyes scrutinized my face, searching for that spark of life he so often found there.

I sighed, the outlook of my reply dismal. "It left with my fiancé."

Neither of us said a word after that. Emmett fell silent, his eyes following the playful waltz of the flames as they licked at the wood in Tanya's fireplace. I was reminded of 'the catalyst' as I watched them. I thought of the night – just _last _night, in fact – that seemed so achingly long ago now. The night Esme and I had sat here, not so different from the way Emmett and I were sitting here ourselves now, discussing recent events and the reasons that things happened.

_"But don't you see?" _She'd said to me that night by the fire. _"All of that was _supposed _to happen. If any of that hadn't occurred, I would have never gotten to where I am now. I would have never met Carlisle…or Edward…or any of them. I wouldn't even be alive." _I visibly cringed at the memory. Esme was so wonderful. She really, sincerely thought that there was a purpose to everything. And I'd believed her…for a time. Now it was a concept that raised a frame of debate in my opinion. What could possibly be the reason for this?

Esme. Dying. Could there really be a purpose to that? I couldn't imagine so. Even if Edward _did _find Alice, couldn't that have eventually happened anyway? Without anyone getting hurt? Without this family being torn to shreds as she had? I cringed again. Wrong concept to think about.

I thought of Carlisle. Poor, lonely, compassionate Carlisle. He didn't deserve this. He'd tried so hard all of his life. He'd worked with such strength of will and determination that he'd set an example for all young ones like himself around the world, whether he realized it or not. He'd set an example for Esme and his children. For _me_. He was too good for something like this to happen to him. What was the point? What good could possibly come of such a tragic thing?

All at once I was angry with God. Hadn't Edward and I had enough of a run of bad fortune as it was? Did it really have to spread to the rest of the family? I didn't get it. What had we done wrong? Every one of the Cullens had assured me at one point or another that none of this was my fault, but if it wasn't, then whose was it? God was the only answer I could come up with.

Too abruptly, I sprung from the couch, upset beyond repair at least for the night. I'd had enough of this. I didn't know what I planned to do about it. I supposed there was nothing I _could_ do. I couldn't even escape it by going to bed. Another one of God's cruel little ideas, I presumed. Of course. Why did it have to be enough to damn these innocent people to an eternal curse? Why not make it unbearably hard to evade as well?

Fuming, I left the room. I wished Carlisle were here. Not the current, down-trodden, broken Carlisle. The old one. The Carlisle who I could sit and converse with in a civil, respectable manner. The one who would tell me that everything had its place in life. That God knew what he was doing and had a kind and loving outcome for us all. That even we, the most damned and despised of them all had some good coming our way. I missed that Carlisle. Missed him more dearly than any of my lost and disappearing family members. If I couldn't have him now to talk to, I just wanted to be alone.

Upon reaching the base of the enormous, spiral staircase, I noted that Jasper was still there, seated a few steps up, his head in his hands. It seemed this was a position I'd witnessed on a lot of us lately. It was a position of the deepest kind of despair. The kind you simply couldn't find a way out of until it was all over. Trouble was, it didn't look as though it was going to _be _over any time soon.

I intended to pass him and continue on up the stairs, but for some unknown reason I didn't. Again, that stupid reason. I stopped, turning back two steps up from him. I didn't know if he was aware of my pause, but frankly I didn't care. I stood there for a long moment, staring at him, deliberating. Poor, poor Jasper. He'd been through so much already. Probably more so than any of us. And we'd pretty much ignored him the entirety of the time. He hadn't gotten the chance to talk to anyone like I had. He hadn't even had the chance to raise his spirits. No one had paid any attention to him at all. He'd lost his wife and now his mother… perhaps I could just sit with him for a little while.

Suddenly feeling very selfish, I stepped down onto the stair just above the one he was seated on. I thought about sitting next to him for a long moment but finally decided I would rather stand. I didn't know how he was feeling at the moment. I couldn't even imagine it. So I decided it was best not to pretend I was even remotely on the same level.

I leaned the small of my back against the old banister, crossing one ankle over the other in as nonchalant a manner as I could manage. Shaking my head, I laughed darkly to us both. "Are we one messed up pair or what?" I breathed without humor. It probably would have been funny had it not been so true.

Jasper dropped his hands from his face, but kept his eyes down while he spoke, not bothering to look up at me in the least. "Both missing our other halves," he agreed in a voice barely audible, but still loud enough for my keen ears to pick up. "Both wondering if any of it is worth it."

I found myself nodding before I'd even truly heard his words. "I haven't been around nearly as long as you," I reminded him after a moment. "So I guess I'm entitled. But I'd think you would be able to find something good in all of this after all you've seen." I didn't bother to hold back my words. They were more honest than I'd ever thought I could be at a time like this.

Finally, Jasper's dark eyes rose to meet mine. "Do you really think I can?" He questioned suddenly. "Or do you just wish I could?" His eyes lingered on my face for a too-long minute, forcing out the more truthful answer.

"I kind of wish you could," I admitted frankly, no longer afraid of being entirely candid with what had become my pain-brother.

But Jasper merely shrugged minutely and returned to his former pitiful stance. "Sorry to disappoint," he murmured without looking up. "Esme was always really good at the life-is-good, everything's-going-to-be-okay chats." He paused. "And Esme's not here."

I nodded again, more slowly this time. "I know," was all I could think of to say for a moment. Then, in a lighter voice, "but we're still a family, right?"

Jasper's head angled upward ever so slowly to look at me. I continued.

"I mean, we're still together…for the most part. And that's gotta count for something, doesn't it?"

Jasper blinked at me twice, his expression stone for the longest of seconds. I counted to twenty in my head, but still, it hadn't changed. In the light of the stairwell I was beginning to see my new brother for what he was, or at least for what he saw himself as: nothing. A mere monster without Alice around to dignify his existence. Without her he felt he had no reason to be alive. That he didn't deserve it. With her, he didn't feel he _did _deserve it of course, but at least it gave him a reason to see the sun up every day. I felt the unworthiness as he felt it himself. It was what he was best at; conveying his emotions. I sensed it in his mood and I saw it in his memories. Without her he felt he might as well be dead.

I sat down on the steps next to him when he said nothing. He removed his eyes from my face, studying the royal-red carpet of the foyer. "You know, Jasper," I started again…slowly, "when Edward and I spent those long and…_excruciating _months apart, I felt like…like I wasn't really living anymore." I paused, thinking back to that painful time I'd worked so hard on forgetting. "Like I was just this lifeless…_thing _that went through the motions every day just for the best of other people and not at all for myself. Truth be told if I was acting solely for myself, I would have slit my wrists within the first two months – don't tell Edward, he'd have a fit," I added pointedly before I pressed on. "But…then I started to think…maybe, just maybe, if I knew Edward was still alive, that he still existed somewhere in the world, even if it was without me, then maybe life really _was _good enough to live you know?"

Jasper was staring at me again, his eyes listening as intently as his ears. I waited while I gave the words a chance to sink in. Finally, he responded with the smallest of nods. "I _do _know, Bella," he replied quietly. "The only reason _I'm _still here is because I know that there's a chance she's still alive…somewhere. It's a small chance, but it's there. And that's enough for me…It's just…" he continued before I could open my mouth again. "…it's like there's this…I don't know…_hole_. This _hole _inside of me where _she _used to be. Where _I _used to be. Like my heart's been ripped right out and all that's left is the pain…"

Suddenly, for reasons even I couldn't understand…I was smiling. I knew _exactly _what he was talking about. Every word down to a tee. I understood all of it. I'd _been through _all of it. The gaping hole with edges so tender and bloody that it hurt to touch them in the slightest. A word. A name. Just an idea could send you reeling for salvation. But you could never find it…no matter how hard you looked.

"Jasper, I know the hole you're talking about," I assured him suddenly, masking my smile so he would take me seriously enough to listen to. After all, I knew only I had the answer he was looking for and I wanted to give it to him more than anything. It had certainly helped me. Hell, it had even made me smile.

"That hole that hurts so badly you just want it to kill you and get it over with?" I confirmed. He nodded, eager now to hear what advice I had to give him. "Well, there's only one thing I know that can fill a hole like that." I paused, my eyes boring into his. "It's love," I told him. "Love is…love is a reference for life that even _we _are privileged enough to have." I saw his indignant expression and pressed on before he could interrupt. "If you love Alice enough to feel that hole when she leaves, then you can channel that love into it. And if you fill the hole with that, then I promise, there'll be no room for the pain."

Jasper stared at me, a revelation alight in his eyes like I had never seen. I knew I had just given him the answer he was looking for, and it seemed I had just given it to myself as well. It all made sense now. God. Death. Loneliness. Everything. Love. That was the answer. I was right in what I said: as long as I had love, there would be no room for the pain. All at once, I knew what I needed to do. What I needed to see to keep me going. But I had to do it now before the pain returned and I forgot my reasoning for it.

"You'll see Alice soon, Jasper." My voice held the seal of a promise as I covered one of his hands with my own. "One way or another."

I thought I saw a hint of a smile cross his lips for the briefest of moments and I knew my job here was done. Jasper would still be angry and lonely and upset of course, just as we all were, but I hoped that in some small way, I was able to bring him a bit of peace.

I stood up again, my own personal mission in mind now. "I'm going upstairs," I informed him briefly before I turned and strode in a determined manner up the steps. I knew exactly where I was going now and who I was going to find. There was still one thing I needed to do before I could be totally at peace myself. And there was only one person who could give it to me.


	39. Chapter 39: Life Insurance

**Chapter 39: Life Insurance**

"Rose?" I rapped lightly on her bedroom door, allowing it to drift open a crack as I peered in. She was seated on the bed with her back to me, gazing out the window – it seemed – in a perpetual state of misunderstanding. I sighed. She was as confused as I. She sat gingerly on the mattress, one of the unnecessary pillows clutched tightly against her chest in a way a young child might hold a bear or blanket for comfort. All at once I saw her the way I did at the lake just this morning. Like little more than a frightened, young girl who needed me as much as I needed her. I'd never really thought of Rosalie like this before. She was always so strong. So guarded. It seemed I was slowly becoming introduced to another side of my sister-in-law-to-be that I'd never before thought her capable of.

Then again, there didn't seem to be limits to what any of us were capable of in this position.

As I watched, uncertain, her perfect blond head angled ever so slightly to the side, listening. A heavy sigh escaped her lips before she spoke. "Yes, Bella," she breathed in a softer voice than I'd ever heard from her. "Come in."

I pushed the door open the rest of the way and took one confident stride into the room. After that I started to waver, unsure of myself. It felt awkward without having Edward around. He hadn't been with us the last time we'd spoken either, but that was different. Even having him _near _was enough to give me confidence.

I suddenly felt the weight of the engagement ring on my left hand much more potently, as though the engraving on the inside of the band was calling out to me, reminding me. _I'm never far away. _So he _was _near, in a way. I had nothing to worry about.

I decided to force an icebreaker through the so palpable tension before I bit into the meat of the matter, so to speak. I didn't know if I had a right to ask this of her in the first place anyway, so I wasn't about to just walk in and demand it. But I _did _need it. Whether it was right or not, or even reasonable, I needed it.

I took a deep breath – something I _didn't _need. "So your husband's downstairs," I informed her casually as I forced myself to take another step into the room, still behind her. "He was pretty good at comforting me, but I think maybe _you're _the one he should be up here with." I smiled ever so slightly. It didn't even come close to touching my eyes.

I thought about turning and leaving right then. Rosalie wasn't responding and that was a clear sign that she probably wouldn't be up to giving me what I wanted tonight. What I _needed_. I couldn't turn around. I had to stay. I had to at least try.

My legs were moving before I could stop them, carrying me over to the bedside and dropping me down onto the mattress next to Rosalie. For the thousandth time I nearly started at the beauty of her face. No matter how many times I'd seen it, it still managed to astonish me somehow. Despite the fact that I too, now had the same, enhanced, porcelain features, I still couldn't get over how perfect _she _was.

I opened my mouth to say something, but was almost glad when Rosalie spoke first, cutting me off. "Are _you _alright?" She shocked me by asking. Her eyes remained trained on the window in front of her, but her tone was directed at me, soft and purposeful – not like her at all.

Taken aback, I raised my eyebrows, perplexed. "Me?" I repeated, bewildered. That wasn't the question at all I had expected to come out of her mouth. We were all suffering so much… I'd never thought she would ever think of _me_.

But she nodded, slowly, finally turning her ochre eyes in my direction seriously. "Yes," she confirmed, her tone flat. "I may be an orphan with two missing siblings and one dying on the inside as we speak…" she paused, her expression turning suddenly meaningful, "but you must feel like you've gained and lost a family all in one month. I still have Emmett, but you…" she stopped, rephrased. "Are _you _alright?"

I shrugged, remembering my conversation with Jasper mere moments ago. "I have you," I reminded her simply and in a lighter voice than I thought I would be able to manage. "And Jasper _and _Emmett. Tanya too. And I still have Edward too, in a way." I shrugged a second time, turning my eyes on her again. "We're richer than you think, you know."

She laughed suddenly, but it was more out of wonder than amusement. "I suppose," she murmured, only seeming to half-agree.

I decided to push my optimism on her a little further. "We are," I insisted, allowing an easy smile to flicker across my lips. "And we'll be seeing Alice again before you know it." I laughed. "I can't wait to see her face when she gets a look at me. But then I guess there's a chance she's already seen it. She's probably known what I am longer than I myself have. Still, I can't wait to confirm it in person."

Rosalie stared at me for a long moment, unmoving. Finally though, she shook her head and I thought I saw a dark smile cross her lips ever so briefly. "Ah, Bella," she breathed, disbelieving, "you never cease to amaze me."

I laughed too now, a little more content that I was able to put her in a lighter mood, especially since I was about to darken it again considerably with my request. I gathered myself for the kill. "Rosalie, I need a favor," I said the words so quickly I wasn't even certain if she'd caught them – a human certainly wouldn't have. But she seemed to understand as her eyes suddenly hardened on me again, hesitant.

"Okay…"

I forced a deep breath through my icy lungs, which quickly turned into a sigh as I readied myself. This wasn't going to be easy. "Could you show me what Edward's face looked like the day you told him I was dead?" The words spilled out of me before I could form a more tactful formation. Actually, it was much easier than I'd thought.

But, almost instantaneously, Rosalie's features twisted into a mask of horrified confusion. "_What?_"

I sighed again, regrouping myself. I couldn't withdraw from the subject now. I owed her an explanation, if nothing more. "I need you to let me see his reaction," I repeated, more desperate for a positive outcome this time. "I need to see it for myself. I can't really explain why…maybe…maybe I need reassurance," I reasoned, more to myself than anyone.

Rosalie's golden eyebrows went up another inch. "Reassurance?" She repeated, even more profoundly perplexed now.

I nodded. "Even after all the thousands of times Edward has promised that he loved me, it was still…I don't know…_difficult_…to understand. He also promised to love me forever and while I know that promise was never truly broken, there was a time when I thought it was. So maybe I need reassurance more of myself than Edward. Maybe I just need to convince myself that he's coming back…even though I guess I know he is."

Rosalie stared at me, unblinking. "That makes _no _sense," she stated frankly, not bothering to spare my ego in the least.

I nodded again, understanding her point of view. "I know," I assured her hastily. "And I know that Edward loves me…and I know he's coming back for me…eventually…it's just…harder without him. It's too much like the last time. I can't touch him or hold him or talk to him. I can't listen while he _declares _his love for me. I'm afraid that with him went my peace of mind. I don't get it anymore. I can't possibly imagine why someone so perfect would ever want someone like me." I paused, purposeful only for regaining her attention from her thoughts. "And that's why I need your help."

Suddenly she was looking at me again, a terror so pure in her eyes that I wondered momentarily if I'd just forced her back into hating me for life…or eternity, whichever came first. I spoke before she could protest.

"You're the only one who saw it. You're the only one who remembers." I shook my head, desperate. "And I believe that seeing it through you is the only thing that can make me believe everything is really going to be okay. If I see it for myself I will _know _how much he loves me. He won't have to tell me anymore. I'll _know_. And I'll know we'll always be together. We'll always be a family."

Rosalie looked at me somewhat indignantly now. "You didn't know that already?" She demanded, cynical. "Isn't that what you've been saying to me – to _us ­_– all this time?"

I stared at her, feeling my throat tighten painfully inside of me. "Rosalie," I muttered softly, my voice now little more than an urgent whisper, "_please_…I need to be sure. Even now, even changed and committed as I am, I can't let him waste his entire eternity – his _soul ­_– if he doesn't love me as much as I think he does. I need this."

She blinked once, twice. If she hadn't been doing this than I could only assume that any passing human might mistake her for a Greek statue. A demonic one. There was horror in her eyes like I had never seen. A rebuttal. A distain. So many things that she wanted to say and do. It seemed though, that only one of which came to mind. When she spoke again her voice was strained, choked with emotion.

"Bella, I –" Suddenly she was gasping for air through the tightness in her throat. "I can't! I can't do that!"

"Rose –" I tried to convince her otherwise.

"No, Bella! No! I won't let you see him like that! It'll devastate you beyond repair! You'll never look at him the same way again! I won't! I can't do it! I promised him –"

"Rosalie, stop." I placed one hand on her arm, freezing her in mid-breath. I took a second to recompose myself and give her a chance to do the same. "Maybe it's not for those reasons then," I consoled her as best I could. "I already know that Edward loves me, I don't need reassurance for that…anymore. Maybe it's just that…with everything that's been going on lately…with Esme and Carlisle…" I paused momentarily, gauging her expression carefully for any sign that I'd upset her again. When I decided it was safe, I continued. "…Maybe I just need to know that if anything like that were to ever happen to _me_…Edward wouldn't become a monster." I stopped again, thoughtful. "I mean, I made him promise he wouldn't, but I don't think he really even knows if he could keep a promise like that himself."

Rosalie's expression changed a little. She looked at me through considering eyes. I knew I was winning. "So…" she tried to put the pieces together, "we'd be doing this…for _his _benefit?"

I nodded, sensing an air of victory. "And my peace of mind," I added pointedly. "Kind of like…life insurance. This way I'll know how much damage I'm leaving behind if something were ever to happen to me. Think about it, Rose. Most people don't get this opportunity." I let my eyes sell the idea for me, boring into her soul and waiting for the chance to see what it was thinking themselves. Every word was true. I wasn't conning her. I needed her to grant me this favor…just this once…then I would never ask her for anything ever again. I didn't deserve to.

Rosalie was silent for the longest of moments. I waited as patiently as I could, not allowing the anxiety of the moment to show in my eyes. If I was going to win this I needed to remain poker-faced.

Finally, she seemed to come to a sufficient verdict. Her eyes floated slowly up to meet mine and she sighed. "Edward is going to kill me when he finds out…" she murmured to herself hesitantly.

Reeling with the thrill of triumph, I raised both hands, palms out facing her. "I won't breathe a word, I swear." My voice held the seal of a promise and I knew she trusted it. As much as Edward and I shared with one another – emotionally and otherwise – this was something I simply had to keep from him. As special and sacred as our relationship was, this was a sister-to-sister type of sharing. And it would remain between us. Right where it belonged.

Rosalie breathed a heavy sigh, mulling it over just one more time in her frame of ethics. Finally though, she closed her eyes and nodded. "Alright," she whispered. "I'll do it." But then she seemed to think it over yet again. "I cannot _believe_ I am doing this!" She exclaimed after another lengthy minute. Then she held out her hand in offering. "Give me your hand before I change my mind," she ordered blatantly.

Trying devastatingly hard to control my ecstasy for her decision, I obeyed. The vision took off on its own accord from there and I had to mentally prepare myself for what I was about to see before I let myself see it…

_Edward stood, perfect as always, in a house I did not recognize. His stance was so strange… I'd never seen him stand like that before…like he was…_tired. _He stood, leaning against the window frame of what looked to be a kitchen of some sort. His right arm perched up against the top of the frame, he was leaning his forehead into the crease of his elbow, his other hand in his left pocket. His eyes were closed. If I didn't know better I would have thought he was sleeping. Or dead on his feet. He wasn't moving. Wasn't even breathing. The only trace of life that I was able to find in his face was an expression of tortured inner turmoil, like he was trying hard to keep something at bay. Some emotion that was eating away at him, slowly. Killing him piece by agonizing piece. Still, I didn't think he had been told about me yet. Something told me that his reaction to that would have been more…violent. This was simply what he looked like when he'd been away from me for an unbearably long period of time._

_There was a knock on the kitchen door, light and delicate. A knock that was easily recognizable. Still, Edward started, not really seeming to register the new development for a long minute. He took a step away from the window, his expression numb and somewhat confused. "Who is it?" He called lightly in that perfectly smooth voice I loved so much, no matter how pained it was._

_The answering voice was only half-teasing as it verbally jabbed at him. "Who do you think you dope? It's your sister! Open up!"_

_Edward didn't smile as one might have expected. His expression livened a bit, but otherwise didn't change. "Rose?" He murmured more to himself than anyone as he trudged over to the door. His pace was too slow for my liking. It was too unlike him._

_Painstakingly slowly, he grasped the metal of the doorknob with the weakest of grips and drew it open, revealing the confirmation of his suspicions. There Rosalie stood, as immaculately beautiful as she always had been, clad in jeans a jean jacket that made her look even slimmer than she was – as impossible as that seemed. Her hair was drawn back in a way that I had never seen it – a long, golden ponytail that cascaded down her back a way liquid platinum might. _

_And on her unbearably perfect features was plastered a broad grin that I could only assume was forced. Well, maybe not, I mused as I considered this. I had to remember, she didn't like me all that much back then. Still, I didn't think hurting her brother was something she would be happy about. Perhaps she was just happy to see him._

_My suspicions were confirmed when she bounded forward and threw her arms around his neck, squeezing to the point where I thought she might snap it. He hugged her back, but not nearly as enthusiastically. His expression remained of stone, it seemed. He smiled ever so briefly, but otherwise didn't respond to her long-since withheld affection._

_Finally dropping back onto the flat bottoms of her feet, Rosalie allowed a look of puzzlement to come over her features momentarily. "Why didn't you hear me coming?" She demanded, sounding almost indignant at the notion._

_Edward turned away from her then, scratching the back of his head as he made his way over to the table. "Wasn't listening I guess," he admitted without any regret in the least as he leaned his hands on the back of one of the chairs, not bothering to sit down._

_Rosalie laughed once, spreading her arms in disbelief. "Well, I haven't seen you in forever!" She exclaimed suddenly, seeming up in arms about the whole ordeal. "How are you?" Her expression darkened to a look of scolding. "How's the tracking going?" She asked, though seemingly just out of obligation to do so._

_Edward sighed heavily. "I mustn't have a gift for it," he breathed, shaking his head as he covered his eyes with one hand. "It's infuriating how bad I am."_

_Rosalie scoffed. "Well it's not like we didn't know that from the beginning, Edward," she reminded him somewhat smugly. "I can't imagine why you would think it would help…" But she let her voice trail off then as Edward's expression hardened. He looked away._

_"Why are you here, Rosalie?" He demanded abruptly, unwilling to listen to her reprimands any longer. _

_Rosalie was silent for a long moment. "You have to ask?" She returned the question finally, perplexed again._

_He sighed and looked up at her seriously. "It seems I am…out of practice at the moment."_

_Rosalie's expression turned to one of concern. "You can't hear us anymore?" She asked, a sudden not of alarm in her charming voice._

_Edward shook his head – the first gesture of consequence I'd seen of him so far. "I can if I try hard enough," he clarified, "but unfortunately I don't particularly care to anymore and frankly…I'm not up to it at the moment."_

_Finally, Rosalie looked completely sour at this. Her smile vanished instantly and she shook her head, breathing huffs of furious disbelief. "Can you hear yourself, Edward?" She demanded suddenly, her tone turning harsher than before. "In fact, have you _seen _yourself? You look awful! You're a wreck! You're not the brother I remember…"_

_This time it was Edward who scoffed. "You know you're starting to sound like Alice," he remarked too shamelessly for my taste. _

_"Good!" Rosalie was answering before he was finished. "At least one of us talks to her!"_

_Now Edward whirled around to face her, his expression suddenly frighteningly outraged. His stride was massive as he approached her, his snarl audible even to me, who wasn't even present. "Listen!" He roared in a voice that petrified me. "Did you come here to give me a lecture on my social standards? Because if that's the case –"_

_"I came because I thought there was something you deserved to know! Even if the rest of the family was deliberately keeping it from you for your own safety!" She countered in a tone that matched his and silenced it._

_Edward rocked back from the balls of his feet then, trying to hide his intrigue no doubt. He didn't do even a satisfactory job of it. "What?" He asked after a moment of consideration. It was clear he hadn't come up with any possibilities. _

_Rosalie closed her eyes for a long moment, composing herself before she delivered the news that would break her brother's heart forever. If she was going to do this she was going to be gentle about it. She still loved her brother, after all. She gestured to one of the chairs at the kitchen table. "Edward, sit down," she ordered gently._

_Edward stared at her for a long moment, unmoving, his eyes searching for some hint, some small clue as to what she could possibly be doing here._

_"Sit down," she had to tell him again, a bit more firmly this time before he complied, lowering himself gracefully into the chair she'd pulled out for him. She seated herself next to him, leaning her elbows on the wood of the table before she spoke, lowering her eyes purposefully. _

_"Edward, listen to me," she began ever so carefully, "something's happened…and like I said, Carlisle and Esme and the others didn't want you to know, but I thought you had a right to. I know if it was me…"_

_He didn't give her a chance to finish. "What happened, Rose?" His voice was more demanding now, not agreeing to tolerate any form of dancing around the answer. Rosalie bowed her head a little and I was surprised to find that she seemed to be genuinely upset giving this reply. Still, she seemed to be under the impression that she had to. _

_When she didn't answer for a long moment, Edward tried his hand at guessing. "Is it Alice?" He asked suddenly, his eyes widening in horror. "Jasper? Is someone –?"_

_"No, Edward. Everyone's fine," Rosalie assured him quickly before he had the chance to panic. She placed one hand on his arm soothingly, knowing he would need it once she got through this. "It's just…" She paused, suddenly stressing under the weight of the matter. I knew that Edward was already trying to probe her mind, searching for the answer, but she was totally guarded. "Edward, there was an accident…in Forks."_

_He froze. His eyes leveled with hers instantly and his breathing stopped. I noted how loosely she used the word 'accident' and finally decided it was simply for lack of a better word. _

_Finally, he found his voice again, denial and evasion ringing through it achingly clearly. "Oh no," he whispered in a sympathetic and yet not as panicked tone as I would have expected. "No, Charlie." He shook his head slightly and I realized he was forcing himself to believe it was my father who'd died and not me. "Oh, poor Bella." My name stumbled over his perfect lips as though it were the first time he'd said it in ages, like it hurt to speak. He stood up suddenly. "I have to go to her," he said suddenly, more to himself than to his sister. "I have to help. She must be in so much pain…"_

_"What?" At first Rosalie sounded confused and then she stopped, realization flickering across her ochre eyes. "No, Edward. Edward stop." She grasped both of his shoulders firmly as she stood up too, wrenching him around to look at her. "It wasn't Charlie," she told him when she had his attention again. "Charlie's not dead…Bella…"_

_He wrenched away from her, stumbling back a step as he glared at her, daring her to say the words she was thinking. Her eyes found his and held them evenly, no longer afraid. _

_"Bella killed herself."_

_At first Edward's expression was the same. He wasn't breathing. Nothing changed. His eyes didn't widen. His mouth didn't so much as twitch. The only motion I noticed was when he balled his hands into tight fists at his sides, his knuckled turning whiter still as he dug his fingernails into his palms. _

_Rosalie continued to stare at him, waiting. For the longest time he stayed that way, though I could see the wheels turning behind his eyes._

_Finally, he opened his mouth, though nothing came out at first. Then he spoke. "You're lying." He stated simply, easily, as though this were so obvious even she was foolish enough to try it. _

_But, regrettably, she found herself shaking her head. "I'm not lying." She replied evenly._

_"You're lying." He sounded like a broken record. The same tone, the same expression, as though he were trying to relive the moment over and over again until his words became true. _

_"I wish I were, Edward!" She stopped him before he could repeat it again. He was breathing again, his chest moving in violent gasps. He'd seen into her mind. He knew she was telling the truth. He started shaking his head, a motion that was subtle at first but quickly became extreme._

_Rosalie tried again. "She jumped off a cliff."_

_"No," at first it was a whisper, and then… "no, no, no, _no, no! NO!" _The volume in which his voice grew to frightened me. I'd never heard anything like it. Even that night in Forks, when James was pursuing us on the road, even then with Edward shouting and cursing, I'd heard anything of this degree._

_"Edward…"_

_"Oh, God damn it!"_

_"Edward…"_

_"It's a mistake!" He shouted suddenly, turning back to face her. "It didn't happen! It's a mistake!" Despite the denial that was shadowing his eyes, I was certain I saw a faint glimmer of hope there as well. Something that sincerely believed I was still alive. Something that had to. _

_But Rosalie shook her head, crushing whatever it was in an instant. "Alice knows what she saw," she murmured just over his cries. "It was no mistake."_

_"Alice?" Edward repeated, horror finally striking his eyes. Rosalie nodded. She knew that he knew how precise their sister's visions could be. It was no mistake._

_That's when the swearing started. I had heard him swear before, but not like this. Rosalie was right; I wouldn't ever look at him the same way again. Every profanity that had ever been invented by man kind, the worst, most vulgar language that had ever been spoken into being – came out of his mouth. It was almost a physical pain to hear it. I couldn't stand it. I couldn't stand that in some point in time, my dear, gentlemanly, sweet Edward had ever said such things._

_He collapsed into the chair again, dropping his face into his hands as he continued on cussing. Every now and then, between the words he would slip in something along the lines of, "Oh, God, please no. No, You can't do this to me! No! No! It didn't happen! It didn't happen! You can't take her away from me! No! Please, God!" And then he would start swearing again. It was almost as though he was searching throughout the entire English language for a word wrong enough to describe how he felt, and couldn't find it. _

_The seating didn't last long. In a matter of seconds he'd sprung up again. The cursing didn't stop. Rosalie grasped him by the shoulders again, forcing him to look at her. "Edward…Edward listen to me…" she tried to try several times before he quieted enough to do so, and even then he was still talking, mumbling in hushed, senseless tones under his breath. "Edward, I thought I was doing you a favor by telling you this," she reasoned, seeming to be convincing herself more than her brother. "I thought you would want to know. I can't stand to see you in so much pain and I knew that if I didn't say something you would just be wondering about her until the day she died! I thought that this way it would be easier for you to heal. To get over it and move on. To be part of our family again!"_

_He stared back at her, his gaze suddenly accusing, penetrating. He shoved her arms away in an almost violent motion. "Just get away from me," he growled just before he disappeared into what must have been his bedroom. The door slammed behind him so quickly my mind almost didn't catch it. Rosalie was already against it, her hands balled into tight fists on either side of her head as she crashed into the wood. "Edward –" She tried calling him but it was too late. He was gone._

_Briefly, she deliberated breaking the door down. But she quickly dismissed that thought. Perhaps all her brother needed was a little time alone…then he would see. He would see that she'd done him a favor. He would thank her…someday, for giving him the information that the rest of his family had kept from him._

_Somehow though, something inside of her doubted all of that when she heard the crashes that came from inside of the room. So torturously loud. So many times. She visibly cringed as she turned to lean her back against the door, squeezing her eyes closed in anguish. She had to cover her lips with one hand to keep from screaming. What had she done?_

_She could hear him yelling, hear him cursing, and hear him destroying the room in a tempered rage of agony. Every now and then she heard my name. He was screaming it amongst the profanities, as though I myself was merely a curse to him now. _

_All at once she was afraid. She was afraid that she'd damaged her dear brother beyond repair. In all the decades and impossibly long years that she'd known him, she'd never seen him like this before. It was as though I had brightened his life to such vibrancy that everything was to the utmost extremes. He had been happier than she'd ever seen him. And now, he was hurting more too. God only knew what he was capable of doing in this state!_

_Close to panicking now, she drew her cell phone from the back pocket of her jeans, her fingers flying across the keypad at an incomprehensible rate. Then it was at her ear. "Carlisle?" I heard her say after a minute, her voice high with urgency. "Dad, I need help!"_

_Before I was even aware of what was happening, it seemed that Carlisle was bursting through the kitchen door, banking it with the bridge of his shoulder as he dashed in, Esme close in tow. It couldn't have been less than an hour, but it only seemed like a few minutes. Everything was happening so quickly it was difficult to keep up._

_Carlisle's golden eyes fell on Rosalie momentarily, silently questioning her, but she was already sobbing those dry, broken sobs that I was so quickly getting used to myself. "I'm sorry!" She exclaimed before he could say anything, but he didn't break stride as he made for the bedroom door, where the crashing had stopped. "I'm sorry! I didn't know! I didn't know!"_

_Esme took her shoulders in hand, cradling them against her for a moment. "I know, dear, it's alright. Everything's going to be okay," I heard her say just before Carlisle reached the door._

_He rapped firmly on it twice. "Edward?" He didn't get a response. He didn't even take a step back before he crushed the door against his strong shoulder, sending it crashing to the ground on the first try. I saw it all through Rosalie's eyes as she peered in after her father. Edward was there, amongst the most devastating sight I had ever seen._

_He sat on the floor of his room on his knees, his head doubled over in his arms while he sobbed. He was sobbing more heavily than even last spring, when he found me mangled and broken on the floor of the dance studio. This was much, much worse. The room around him was completely destroyed. Dressers, the bed, the lamp. It was all shattered, crushed and crumpled in ways I'd never thought feasible. _

_Carlisle strode over to his son without a second of hesitance. He kneeled on the floor next to him, grasping one of his quivering biceps in his strong grip. "Edward…" No response. "Son, I'm so sorry. We didn't mean for you to find out this way."_

_Without looking up, Edward gasped through his shortened breaths. "How could anything hurt so much, Carlisle?" His voice was so low I almost didn't catch it. It was an intermingling between a devastated and physically pained whisper. _

_Carlisle said nothing to this. He was silent for a long moment, his free hand stroking the width of his son's back, shoulder to shoulder. "Edward, listen to me," he said finally, his voice so low it almost matched the tone of his son's. "Esme, Rosalie and I are going to be right outside, alright?" He paused, wondering if the words meant anything to Edward in the least. "You come out when you're ready. We'll be there for you." That said, he released his arms, and, standing to his full height again, he made for the door, which he propped up again purposefully before he turned back to his wife and daughter._

_Saying nothing, he sighed heavily, raising both eyebrows in a this-is-going-to-be-a-long-day type of manner._

_They sat at the kitchen table for hours. Literally. Hours. Longer than any of them had anticipated. Carlisle considered calling Alice, but then decided there was nothing she would be able to do anyway, so there would be no purpose in needlessly upsetting her._

_Rosalie was the one who broke the silence, her voice little more than a weary, hoarse whisper. "It's pretty quiet in there," she remarked, her eyes flickering to the broken bedroom door in a concerned manner._

_The events that followed, I could have guessed. Carlisle stood from the table, making his way over to the room again. He knocked once. No answer. He called for his son. No answer. Slowly, he shifted the door out of the way again…only to find the trashed room empty, the window broken instead of simply opened. _

_Panic set in almost immediately. Without a word, he and Esme made for the door that led outside and Rosalie could only guess where they might be going. She knew they were going to try and follow their son somehow. Reason with him maybe. But something told her he could not be reasoned with. In seconds she was left alone again. The silence of the house around her was deafening as she hung her head in her hands and wondered precisely what she had just done. She could only take a stab at the possibilities._

_She saw now why they'd wanted to avoid this. She'd just killed her own brother. And she would never forgive herself for it. Before the true anguish could set in though, the pocket of her jeans vibrated. Hope scurried across her considerations. Maybe they'd found him already. Maybe they were bringing him home. Maybe he was fine…it was a long shot. He would never be _fine_, but at least he was alive. She answered the phone._

_"Hello?" She croaked._

_Alice's bubbly voice was audible just above a low hum over the line. "Rose, I need to talk to Carlisle _now."

_Rosalie sighed. "He just left," she didn't feel like repeating the whole story already. It hurt enough just to think about it. But then Alice went on to make her worst nightmare a reality._

_"Fine, as soon as he's back," she clarified hastily, then she corrected herself. "No, I'll be on a plane," she added before Rosalie could respond. "Look, have you heard anything from Edward?"_

_Rosalie froze. Why bother trying to deny it? She was going to find out eventually anyway and then she of course, was going to hate her forever as well just like her brother…if he lived that long. "Yeah…" she breathed hesitantly after a moment. "I told him Bella's dead." It came out more bluntly than she'd meant it to, but she didn't feel like recounting the whole story._

_Alice gasped. "Why? _Why _would you do that?"_

_Suddenly, for reasons unfathomable even to herself, Rosalie went on the offense. "Because she _is _dead and I thought Edward should know!?" She snapped, as though this should have been obvious to her sister. _

_"Well, you're wrong on both counts, though, Rosalie, so that would be a problem, don't you think?"_

_Rosalie's eyes snapped open, astonished. "Bella's _alive!?_" She demanded, suddenly alight with urgency._

_"Yes, that's right. She's absolutely fine – I was wrong…"_

_"But…"_

_"It's a long story," Alice interrupted her, unwilling to tell it. _

_"Edward…" Rosalie croaked before she could stop herself._

_"But you're wrong about that part, too, that's why I'm calling…"_

_"But you saw her fall!" Rosalie protested, the misunderstanding almost palpable._

_"Yes, that's exactly what I saw," Alice agreed pointedly._

_That's when it all clicked into place for Rosalie. Alice had seen me _fall, _not jump. I hadn't been trying to kill myself. And I hadn't succeeded. I was alive. And Edward… Oh, God, Edward._

_"Alice, I'm so sorry," Rosalie blubbered before she could stop herself. "I never thought that –"_

_Alice cut her off. "It's a bit late for that, Rose," she snapped meaningfully. "Save your remorse for someone who believes it." The line went dead._

_Rosalie stared at the phone for longer than she realized. She'd never hated herself more and it was difficult to grasp. What had just happened? Everything had happened so fast. I was dead, and then I was alive. Edward was alive. And then he was dead. What had she done? How could she have ruined everything in just a few short hours? Alice hated her now and her parents probably did too. How was any of this ever going to be alright?_

_In that moment, I knew that if she could have cried, she would have. Her face twisted into a mask of self-loathing and she dropped her head into the cradle of her arms on the table, sighing heavily. What had she _done

I came out of this one more slowly, unmoving for a long minute. Finally though, I managed to move my eyes again and they went right to Rosalie's face before I could stop them. "Thank you…" I murmured slowly, hesitantly. Now I knew. I couldn't ever let anything happen to myself. I couldn't afford the result.


	40. Chapter 40: Going Back

**Author's Note: Hi everyone! Here's the next chapter! I really hope you like it! And I just wanted to let everyone know as well that I've started school again now so if I don't post for a day or two at a time…DON'T PANIC! Lol. I haven't gone anywhere. It just means I'm caught up with homework or something, but I promise, a couple of days will be the extent of it. No more 'over a week or more' crap. And the story is almost done so I really hope you get the most out of it. : ) I promise I'll work hard and fast from here on out. Enjoy! **

**Chapter 40: Going Back**

I waited. Every moment seemed like an eternity – an eternity I could be spending with Edward – but I waited. I had to. There was nothing else for me to do. I couldn't possibly go and find him. That was out of the question. It would shatter his chances of finding his sister. The distraction would be indomitable. And after what I'd seen with Rosalie's ever so generous help, I couldn't succumb to the so tempting alternative either. I would have to wait for him. It was my only option.

Waiting was easy at first. I just…waited. It seemed simple enough. All I had to do was get through each hour, watching the second hand make its circuit sixty times, and then I would watch the next sixty until that grouping became twenty four, making it another day. Another day that had risen and fallen again not unlike the waves of our relationship. Another day without him. Another day dashing my hopes.

After a while the boredom quickly became stress. And then fright. I couldn't deny myself how long it had been. Too long. I would be kidding myself if I tried to convince anyone that I hadn't been counting each minute myself, measuring and comparing a reasonable time that he should be gone. Would he call? He could call. We hadn't talked about that, but he could…if he were alive. No. No, I couldn't think that way. Emmett had made it very clear that night by the fire. I couldn't believe something had happened to him. That was not how true love worked. He would be back. Given time, he would be back, his bubbly sister hanging off of his arm like always, both as right as rain.

Clinging desperately to this pain-killing thought, I tried my hand at hunting on my own for the first time. It wasn't hard. Not in the least. Instinct conquered most of the obstacles that I encountered and before I'd even had a chance to evaluate them, I'd killed something else. Another innocent woodland creature. Another murder that went unjustified without Edward. It was meaningless without him. It seemed like nothing more or less than slaughter in cold blood. It made me feel like a monster again. Even if it were only a deer – I hadn't dared try bigger game yet – I still felt wretched doing it only for a survival that meant nothing on my own.

I still had Rosalie, Emmett and Jasper, of course. Not to mention Tanya. Sweet, good-hearted, wonderful Tanya. She tried so hard to raise our spirits. It wasn't her responsibility, but she did it anyway. I felt like some pathetic, helpless child being babysat with the rest of my brothers and sister by the one person who had nothing to do with any of this. It was a horrific feeling, knowing we could never survive on our own. That we needed…_protection. _My mind spat the word. After being changed, I'd been under the impression that I would never need to be protected again. Not by Edward. Not by anyone.

Still, Tanya stayed and none of us could protest. It would mean our lives if we did. I wondered where the wolves were now. _After Carlisle and Edward, _was the answer that came to mind. I dismissed it right away. No. They would be careful. They would cover their tracks and move quickly…too quickly for the Quileutes. Edward was fine. He knew what he was doing…

I didn't. For me every day was the same. Torture. Every moment I spent away from him, every time I held that shirt I'd found upstairs up to my face and breathed in his sweet, sweet scent. Torture. Pain deeper than I'd ever imagined. Always the same.

Then something happened that broke the monotony. A month went by. I must have stared at the calendar for hours, unmoving, unblinking, unbreathing. A month? No. No, that couldn't be right. It wasn't right. It was a mistake. I flipped the page back, my crimson eyes flying over the dates, examining them closely for some form of loophole. I found none and it shocked me. There had to be one somewhere…

A month. Thirty days. Seven hundred and twenty hours. Forty-three thousand and two hundred minutes. All that time. All that time I'd spent without him. That couldn't be right. It was impossible. He would never leave me for that long… My mind shied away from what this all meant. From what it _had _to mean. No. No, it didn't mean that. It couldn't.

The others feigned only vague awareness of the amount of time that had passed, pretending they'd barely noticed, even though I knew they had been stewing over the matter since the first week had gone by…not at all unlike myself. When I addressed the issue in Jasper's presence, he merely shrugged, discretely sending me a swell of calm that I pretended not to notice. "Has it been?" He responded to my question: _Do you realize it's been a month since Edward and Carlisle left? _"I've been so busy I guess I haven't really kept track…I'm sure they're on their way back as we speak."

I scoffed. _Busy. _That was a good one. We had done nothing all summer save for hunting and…existing. Conversing and stewing in our own concern with one another. _This is stupid, _I convinced myself after too long. _Why should I just sit like some helpless bump on a log when Edward could be out there needing me…or worse? _That was the first time I allowed myself to think it. What if he was dead? Dead. Dead. The word sounded so foreign and yet so familiar to me now, like something that happened so often that I was beginning to block it out. I hadn't _let _myself think it.

What would I do if it was true? What if something had happened to him? I knew it could take a while to find Alice, but vampiresweren't _this _slow…were they? They couldn't be. That's when I made up my mind. Rosalie had hidden the keys from me, but it couldn't be that difficult to find them. And if my efforts came up lacking a result then I could always ask her. And if she wouldn't tell me I could simply search her memory for the hiding place! Ha! I loved being a vampire!

They had taken Carlisle's car, I knew that. And there were still five bikes… I could get wherever I needed to be almost too easily. Why hadn't I given in before? All at once, I'd lost sight of my reason for holding back. Alice. Right. Well, maybe I could help. And if I _did _find Carlisle and Edward, maybe I just…wouldn't show myself. Yes, that was it. I would keep out of sight and follow close behind them, but not too close. Not close enough for Edward to catch my scent. I was no longer a naïve, clumsy human, after all. I could do it. They would never see me. I would follow them just until they found her, just to drop them a hint if I noticed anything myself that might point to her whereabouts and just to make sure he was safe. There. Simple. Foolproof. It would be a cinch!

That's when it happened. Rosalie's jacket – slung haphazardly over the back of one of the broken armchairs in the living room – buzzed. My eyes widened and flew to hers as she sprang up from the couch and was at the chair in a prompt and graceful motion that my human eyes never would have caught. It would have merely looked as though she'd warped from one standing to another, disappearing and then reappearing in a matter of seconds – not even that.

Then the phone was at her ear. She didn't bother checking the caller ID. "Hello?" The desperation in her voice betrayed her impossibly calm façade for what it was: profoundly phony. She was as much of a wreck as any of us.

Of course, I was certainly one to talk. I stood up from my seat instantly, pressing forward, desperate to hear any note of that familiar, velvety voice on the other end of the line. It had to be him. Who else would it be? Even if it was Carlisle, he would be there, waiting to speak to me. I would finally hear his voice again. That voice that I no longer had to simply imagine hearing. It would really be there. It had to be him…

Rosalie's face confirmed it. Relief flooded her features in a great wave of release, like an Aspirin finally working on that awfully debilitating head ache. Like an overwhelming swell of sweetness. She closed her eyes, her perfect lips twisting into an expression one might have if they were trying to keep from crying. Her hand strayed to her throat and she drew in a deep breath. "Oh, thank God," she whispered into the mouth piece of the phone, although I was certain the exclamation was more so directed at herself. "Oh, Edward."

_Edward. _My hands flew to my mouth, stifling the scream of overwhelming elation that pushed at my throat. I tried to keep my breathing steady. _Steady? _That was an understatement! It had stopped!

Rosalie took a moment to compose herself. "Where are you?" She asked after she'd been silent for a brief second. Then her eyes snapped open at the answer she seemingly received and an almost comical expression of shock and puzzlement came over her features. "What the hell are you doing in New Guinea!?" She cried suddenly.

My own eyebrows shot up at this, taken aback. _New Guinea? _No wonder it was taking them so long!

_Looking for Alice, _was the answer I knew she'd received then, for the pause was shorter and her answer complied perfectly, more quipped and irritable than her last exclamation. "Well, did you find her?" She demanded, sounding a bit like her old self all of a sudden as sibling rivalry began to rejuvenate itself with the sudden absence of concern.

But then a look of disappointment flickered across her eyes and I knew what the answer had been. "Oh," she replied quietly after another moment. Then her face brightened a little as they scratched the surface of a new subject. "Bella?" She said into the phone. "No, she's absolutely fine…yes, she's right here. Hold on." She lowered the phone from her ear then and glanced across at me expectantly, holding up the little silver device in offering. I didn't need to be asked twice.

I bounded across the room effortlessly, yanking the phone from her grasp almost rudely. She merely smiled as I raised it to my ear. "Edward?" There was a long pause and for a moment I was worried that something had pulled him away from me at exactly the wrong second. "Edward, are you there?" The tone of my voice jumped up an octave as I realized I had to ask a second time. Then I heard it.

"I'm sorry," his beautiful voice apologized first and fore mostly. "It's just…hearing your voice has been the most wonderful thing I've experienced in a long time…I'm savoring it for all it's worth."

My free hand returned to my lips and I found myself sliding my eyes closed just as Rosalie had done. I felt like crying. I needed to spill unbelievable, wonderful tears of joy. But of course I couldn't. For a long moment I couldn't speak. Edward seemed fine with that. He waited, breathing unusually loudly as though to assure me that he was still there. What he didn't seem to realize was that _his _voice was the perfect one. The unbelievable one. I could have sworn my heart had restarted itself for a second on impact. I had to hear it again, to be certain I hadn't imagined it.

"You're in New Guinea?" I half-whispered, doing my best to hide the emotion in my voice. I didn't do a very good job of it.

"Yes." Again, that warm, familiar, velvety-smooth voice. It felt like home.

Still, it seemed neither of us was willing to be the one doing all the talking. We both wanted to listen and only listen. I would have to push him a little.

"Why?" I asked weakly. _As if I really cared _why.

I could picture him shrugging those perfect shoulders. "It's where Alice's trail led us," he replied simply, his tone implying that he had absolutely no idea _why_. "We went back to Forks and then followed it all the way here. We haven't found her yet, but I think we're definitely getting close…" His exquisite voice trailed off.

Suddenly I remembered Edward's little tracking adventure with Victoria in my absence. I'd like to think that Edward was good at everything…I just hoped Carlisle was better. I could only pray they knew what they were doing. Edward's words from this past spring floated back to me in a ghost of a memory; _I wasn't even on the right continent! _He'd told me, infuriated with himself. I did my best to keep the concern at bay, distracting myself with other, less crucial matters.

"Wow," I murmured after another few seconds of unbearable silence. "You can track someone that far?"

Again, his answering voice held the suggestion of a shrug. "Well, it's not easy by any means, but it _can _be done." He paused and when he spoke again there was humor in his tone. "Can't you?"

I couldn't help but smile, even laugh a little. "I haven't tried yet," I admitted honestly. That's when it occurred to me that whether they ended up finding Alice there or not, Edward would still be half a world away from me for as long as he looked. Agony washed through me. Who knew we could ever be this far apart and still be breathing?

"Edward," I whispered after a long moment.

There was a brief pause as he sensed the sudden gravity in my tone. "Yes?" He asked.

"I love you." The words flowed so painfully easily from my lips that my throat tightened around them again, trying to squeeze the tears out.

There was another short pause. "I love you too, love," he whispered in return, anguish in his own voice as well. "More than you can possibly imagine."

Listening to this, I couldn't speak. So I just waited. Those were the words I had been waiting so achingly long to hear.

"I should have called sooner," he disclaimed quickly then. "I shouldn't have made you wait this long. I probably had you worried sick…I never thought it would take this long…"

I didn't correct him as I normally would. He was right. "When are you coming home?" I murmured, changing my tactics a little then.

I heard him laugh darkly. "So Tanya's is home now, is it?" He was avoiding the matter.

"Answer the question." It wasn't a sharp demand, not even angry in the least. I just had to know.

This pause was longer than the others and when he finally spoke again, his voice was more serious. "I don't know," he answered truthfully and I felt the walls of my heart collapse. I couldn't take this anymore. This…not knowing. It was worse than anything I'd ever felt before. I needed him back here, in my arms, right now.

Squeezing my eyes shut tightly, I resisted the urge to succumb to the sobs that were eating away at my throat. It wasn't easy. "I miss you…so much." I took a breath between words, fighting the tightness in my voice.

He was quiet again. "I know," he replied finally, his voice sad. "You have no idea how it pains me to be away from you again like this…to not touch you or hold you…to not kiss you…" He paused, thoughtful. "Bella?"

I forced myself to pay attention again, focusing on something other than his voice: his words. "Yes?"

"What would you think if…" He stopped, uncertain.

"Yes?" I pried again.

I heard him heave a hesitant sigh. "If I made this all up to you when I got back?"

I had to smile. _When I got back. _It sounded so fantastic coming from his perfect lips. "And how do you plan on doing that?" I asked when I'd found my voice again.

"What would you think if…" he stopped yet again, torturing me with silence. This time I waited. "…If we didn't wait anymore? Until we're married."

My breath froze in my throat, causing me to cease moving all together. I knew I must have looked just like a statue and I didn't care. Was he saying what I thought he was saying? I couldn't be sure. He was so prone to changing his mind… "Are you saying…?"

"I'm tired of waiting," he stated simply. "I want to be with you."

Now it was impossible to keep the childish grin from spreading across my lips. I was certain it must have reached my ears. Instantly, my pain was washed away by contentedness. Had he really just said it? Had he really _finally _just said it? "Oh, Edward," I couldn't keep the thrill out of my voice as intended. I had to stop and take a deep breath. "You don't know what that would mean to me."

I could hear the smile in his voice. "Are you sure?"

Annoyance crept in, ever so briefly. "Look, Edward," I said suddenly in a harder tone, "if it's my virtue you're trying to protect, you're a little late for that."

I heard him laugh, relieved. "Normally I would argue that," he confessed, "you have such a good soul, Bella. I can't even begin to compare. But I miss you. I can't stand to live without you. Just remember, I'm never far away."

I had to scoff a little at this. "You do realize," I began again smartly, "that you couldn't be farther away unless you left the planet?"

There was a pause. "I know," he murmured slowly. "But I'll see you again soon. That's a promise."

"Another one?"

He sighed. "Yes."

There was silence on the line for a minute while I thought, debating. "I could always come out there and see you…" He was talking again before I was even finished the preposterous suggestion.

"No, Bella, no," he protested almost instantaneously, his voice firm. "You stay there with Tanya and the others. Don't you dare leave the house, do you understand me? Promise?" I could almost hear him raising his eyebrows, ready if I objected.

I sighed, hearing the tone of resoluteness in his voice. "Yeah, I promise," I breathed with a perplexed roll of my eyes. If he wanted to see me so badly, why wouldn't he just let me come? Then again, I supposed I knew the answer to that. He would sacrifice anything to keep me safe, even his own happiness.

"Good." I heard the relief. He paused for a moment, thoughtful. I knew he was trying desperately to come up with something to keep the conversation going a little while longer. Neither of us wanted to hang up. Just the thought of it was excruciating. "How's Jasper?" He asked finally.

I thought back over the last little while. He'd certainly shown an improvement in the last month, at least since we'd talked that night on the stairwell. He was conversing more regularly with his siblings and Tanya and I did catch a glimpse of a smile from him every now and then, but he still wasn't half the Jasper we knew and loved. When no one was looking he didn't smile. When no one was looking, the pain still showed on his face.

"Uh…" I deliberated. _What to tell his brother… _"He's…coping." I knew the forced lightened tone of my voice wasn't going be enough. I may have been a vampire, but I was still an atrocious liar.

There was no pause this time. "Is it really that bad?"

I glanced in the direction of the kitchen. Rosalie and Emmett were in the living room with me, but Jasper was in the other room, staring blankly out the kitchen window toward the surrounding forest. I sighed.

"No, actually," I replied truthfully, my voice brightening a little more. "It's definitely better than it has been, but he's still…not himself."

Edward sighed too. "Understandably."

I was silent then, unwilling to say anymore. My evening with Rosalie found its way back into my head and I knew that if I opened my mouth now, I would destroy the promise I'd made to her without a second thought.

Hearing the conclusion in my silence, Edward continued the conversation himself. "Take care of them, okay?" He said suddenly. "They need someone like you to get them through this."

I nodded even though I knew he couldn't see me. He would know. He always knew.

And take care of yourself…for me."

I closed my eyes again, bracing myself for the flood of pain that would crash over me the second he hung up. "I will," I managed to promised, although in a strained voice. I could tell he was getting ready to hang up. I couldn't let him do it. Not yet. "You'll call again soon?" I questioned hastily, my words spilling out more quickly with the help of the desperation I was beginning to feel. "If you don't I'll just worry…"

"I know," he answered right away. "I will. As soon as I can. There aren't many phones in New Guinea…"

My eyes slid open a little. "You don't have your cell phone?" I asked, suddenly perplexed.

His answer was achingly simple. Almost tormenting. "No." The tone was so pathetically obvious. _Of course. _I'd forgotten. He'd left it in a trash can in Italy not too long ago. He'd just never gotten another one.

"What about Carlisle's?" I asked again, almost frantic to know when I was going to hear his perfect voice again.

He sighed. "We split up."

"Oh?" I tried to keep the alarm out of my voice. If something happened to him now none of us would know about it. Carlisle had the phone.

"The trail was getting so defined that we decided to spread out and search as much area as we possibly can," Edward explained. "We don't want to miss anything."

I nodded, pinching the bridge of my nose between my thumb and forefinger. "Of course." I tried my best to understand, but it was difficult. I began pacing the length of the picture window, making an attempt to remain calm.

There was a long pause on the opposite end of the line as Edward deliberated saying something particularly painful. I waited. "I have to go now, love," he told me finally, causing my stone heart to crack inside as the words began to register. He was leaving again. Again I had to say goodbye. Again I had to go without hearing his voice for God knows how long.

I swallowed hard. "Okay," I squeaked after a moment, forcing myself to nod again in feigned understanding.

I heard him take a deep breath, as though preparing himself for an equal amount of pain. "Alright," he breathed. "I'll see you soon."

Again though, I stopped him. "And when you do…?" I had to confirm it, just to be certain he hadn't changed his mind again and perhaps to give me something to smile and think about until he got back.

I heard him laugh quietly. "When I do the waiting stops."

I felt shivers creep up the length of my spine and I grinned minutely to myself. "Promise?"

"I promise."

"You won't change your mind?"

"On my life, Bella."

I beamed fully. "Okay," I sighed, nearly perfectly content now. In fact, the only way I could have been happier in that moment was if Edward had been right there with me instead of half a world away. "Call me again soon?" I asked after a moment.

I could tell he was smiling too. "As soon as I can."

I sighed again. "Alright."

"I love you, Bella."

The phantom pain in my chest crept in like a ghost then; not really there, but a memory of something there, threatening to agonize me to unbearable lengths throughout every minute of every hour of every day that we were apart.

I had to force my voice from my throat, willing it to sound more sufficient than hamster squeaks. "I love you too."

He breathed a heavy sigh. "Okay…goodbye, Bella. I'll see you soon."

I squeezed my eyes more tightly shut, willing myself not to crumble the cell phone in the tension of my right hand as I held it. "I'm counting on it." There was a click. The line went dead. The dial tone mirrored the way I felt now and had been feeling for too long: constant, monotonous, meaningless.

Slowly, I lowered the phone from my ear and stared at it for a long time. I don't think I even noticed when Rosalie's tentative hands took it gently from my grasp and flipped it shut, taking both of my shoulders into her hold and kissing my temple gingerly as she did so. Only then did I look over at her, thanks in my eyes. I was beginning to see her more and more as a sister than ever. A couple of months ago I'd never thought that we could even be so much as friends. Let alone sisters. Now I was surprised to find that I loved her. Almost as much as I loved Alice or…Esme. She was as big a part of my life as any of them now. And I didn't know what I would ever do without her.

Carefully, I glanced over my shoulder to look at Emmett. He was smiling sweetly at me with that stupid, playful grin. Still, there was something else behind it. Something…sadder. He felt for me. There was a sympathy in his eyes like I had never seen.

I strode over, not even feeling my legs as I moved them, and sat next to him, resting my head against his mammoth shoulder as Rosalie seated herself on the other side of her husband. His strong arms encircled us both, pulling us closer. I needed this to be over with now. I needed everything to sort itself out the way I was always told it would. The universe was supposed to take care of things like this, wasn't it? Everything was supposed to eventually work itself out and untangle. How had everything become such a reckless mess in the first place? Oh, that's right. It was because of _me_. Stupid, thoughtless old me. Always screwing things up.

But I didn't let myself think about this anymore. Blaming myself for the thousandth time wasn't going to do anybody a bit of good. Besides, they had all made it quite clear that I would be the only one placing blame in the first place. I would be alone in the matter. Majority rules. I didn't blame myself. I didn't feel like being angry anymore anyway. Just plain sad would do for once.

That's when Emmett clicked on the television. I had barely noticed the T.V. there before. It must have been in the room the entire time, I decided. We just never truly had any use for it. We did now. The reason was simple: we were bored stupid.

I raised my head from my brother's shoulder, interested in anything and everything that might have a chance at taking my mind off of Edward. I wasn't going to let myself get pulled down again. I would make the most of my time here. Try to entertain myself at least while I waited.

The picture opened to what looked like some form or other of a children's cartoon. Colorful, computer-enhanced characters danced across the screen gleefully, as though there had never been trouble in the world. Emmett changed the channel. It looked like a news report, so he stopped, resting the remote on his knee, although he left one hand lingering on its surface should we lose interest again. Losing interest, however, was the _last _thing we were about to do. Especially when the words _Forks, Washington _flashed across the bottom of the screen and an image depicting the only too-familiar main street of our old hometown came into view.

The reporter's voice was achingly simple and clear as she spoke: _"Nothing like this has ever been heard of in the tiny town of Forks," _she was saying. _"The brutal and seemingly indiscriminant attacks continue even as we speak. None of the police officials can be certain who or what is the source of this slaughter, not to mention where or when it intends to strike next. The attacks don't seem to be directed at any single individual or group of individuals in particular. Experts are having a hard time making sense of it. An African-American school teacher, a Caucasian nurse, a helpless child. No party seems to be spared when it comes to these ruthless hits..."_

"What!?" I sat bolt upright immediately, my eyes trained strictly on the television before us and my keen ears focused only on it as well. I could feel my breathing beginning to quicken, but I silenced it instantly. I couldn't afford any background noise. I had to hear it all. It only got worse.

_"So far fourteen people – all of different origins and social status – have been abducted and murdered."_

Fourteen people. That was like…_almost the entire population! _Well, perhaps not that much; my mind was overworking itself and as a result, exaggerating terribly at the moment. Still! Fourteen people! I was vaguely aware that I was muttering something under my breath. "What are their names? What are their names?" I was saying quietly, subconsciously. "Come on, tell me their names."

_"However," _the news reporter continued without hearing my plea, _"the attacks aren't believed to hold any relevance to the recent disappearance of eighteen-year-old Isabella Swan." _My graduation picture was centered suddenly in the middle of the screen. _"The daughter of the Chief of Police in Forks is believed to have been abducted about six weeks ago now…"_

I sat up a little straighter. "Abducted!?" I exclaimed, appalled. I'd left him a damn note! What did he take me for? A liar? Didn't he think I would tell him if I were being _forced _to leave? Didn't he remember _any _of the conversation we'd shared that day in the leaving room before I'd left with him? And what about Renee? Had she not read my e-mail? Could she not testify that I _wasn't _being kidnapped? Something told me she had read it though and a part of her simply couldn't believe it. So they'd both done what their mind's had told them to in protection of their feelings. They didn't want to believe I had run away. So they'd assumed the second worst instead.

I knew that police normally refused assistance on cases such as my own. They would look at the facts and presume correctly that I'd simply run away. They would say I was an adult and that would be the end of it. No FBI reports. No abductions. Only problem with that was, Charlie _was _the police.

_"Police have no leads as to her whereabouts as of now and suspects of the apparent kidnapping include members of the Cullen family, who were last seen with the girl by witnesses in the maternity ward of…"_ I didn't hear the rest.

Jasper stood at the back of the couch now and upon hearing this, he accepted a delighted high five from his brother. "Alright, Bella!" He was hollering with a little too much pride in his booming voice. "We kidnapped you!" Even Jasper laughed.

That's when I sprang up from the couch, whirling around to face them with a level of tenacity alight in my red eyes that could have put even Rosalie's to shame. "You think this is funny!?" I thundered in a voice that scared even me. "Charlie could be dead, law enforcement is after you and you're seriously _laughing_!?"

Emmett's smile didn't fade, though he looked up at me through perplexed eyes. "Relax, Bella," he chuckled, totally and completely unphased. "They won't find us."

I nodded, although heavy sarcasm was evident in the motion. "Uh-huh," I forced mock calmness, "and what about Victoria?"

Now Emmett's smile disappeared.

"Victoria?" It was Jasper who spoke, clearly confused as to how she connected with any of this.

"Fourteen people dead?" I quoted pointedly. "Mysterious, indiscriminant killings, all of which in Forks?" I paused, searching their faces for a reaction. They stared at me blankly. "Come on guys, you can't seriously tell me that's no vampire on the loose!"

Rosalie shrugged, as though it mattered very little to her. "That could be any young newborn," she reasoned lightly. "It's not our problem."

I gaped. "_Not your problem?" _I exclaimed, even more appalled than before. "People are dying and you aren't going to get involved because it's 'not your problem'?" I made quotation marks in the air with my fingers.

She stared back at me evenly, her expression hardening at my mockery. I couldn't help it. I was angry. "No," she squared, her voice quiet, dangerous. "The Volturi will handle it if it gets much worse and –"

"SCREW THE VOLTURI!" I exploded, feeling angrier than I had in a long time. "Haven't they helped enough already? I can't afford for it to get any worse! That's Victoria and I know it! She's cheating just like Laurent did! She's completely lost it and she knows that I know she'll keep it up until she gets what she wants!" I was ranting. I didn't care. "She's going to blackmail me into giving up the chase!"

One of Rosalie's perfectly shaped eyebrows rose a little. "Bella, you're not seriously thinking of –?"

"Innocent people are going to die if I don't Rose!" I cut her off. "Edward said that when James set his mind to something, nothing was going to stand in his way. He was going to do what it took to get what he wanted. What if Victoria is no better?"

Rosalie looked at me a little indignantly. "Bella…"

"I have to go back."

"Bella, no!"

"I have to find her. It's the only way…and I'll have to check on Charlie too, while I'm there…he might need my protection now more than ever…" I was speaking solely to myself now, planning the journey I was now so determined to make. Rosalie wasn't listening. She stood up, taking me by the shoulders and staring powerfully into my face.

"Bella, listen to me," she began suddenly, the tone of her voice enough to silence me in mid-sentence. "You can't go back. Not now. Your _way _too uncontrollable, you'll fly off the handle before you even know what you're doing! _You'll _be the one making the news next! You won't do anyone any good by going back now…"

"Yes I will!" I argued before she could convince me otherwise. "I have to! Don't you get it? It's _my _fault those people are dead!" My voice began to break as the guilt washed over me. "_I'm _the one she's looking for! Charlie could die if I don't go back, if he's not dead already…" I added, my tone strained with the weight of the guilt and the pain that hit me when I realized I could have already killed my own father.

"Bella, you'll kill him yourself if you go back now!" It was as though she'd read my thoughts. I quickly reminded myself that she wasn't her brother.

"No I won't!" There was no logic in my rebuttal this time, but I made it anyway.

Rosalie rolled her eyes, exasperated. "Bella, it's not a question!" She countered, desperate to get her point across. "You _will _kill him! The second you get a whiff of human blood…you'll have no idea what hit you!"

"I don't care! I'm going back! Victoria can kill me if she wants, but I can't let Charlie get hurt! I won't kill him, Rosalie, he's my father! I can't! I won't!" I was making no sense anymore, but that didn't seem to matter. In the back of my mind I knew Rosalie was right. She was convinced. Somehow though, I wasn't completely. There was no way I would ever hurt Charlie. I would find a way. I would mask his scent, I would stay away from him and just see if he was alright, if that's what it came too. I just had to make this all better.

Rosalie was staring at me, an utterly horrified expression plastered across her features. I could see it in her eyes. She wasn't going to let me go. I decided to try anyway. I had to.

"Where are the keys?" I demanded suddenly.

"What?"

"Edward's car keys! Where are they? I know you have them!"

She shook her head, completely unwilling. "No, Bella. I won't let you do this!"

"Rosalie, please!" I stopped her before she could protest another time, raising my voice far above hers in volume. "You can't stop me!" Immediately, I began to probe at her mind, searching for the memory I knew she'd stored in there somewhere. I would have to hurry the process along a little. "Where are the keys?"

Almost immediately, I saw it. She tried to hide it but she wasn't paying enough attention and I saw it without much difficulty at all. Wrenching myself away from her, I raced across the living room floor to the opposite couch, where I buried my entire arm between the cushion and the frame, my fingers hunting for the thing I desired most. They found them. I felt my knuckles close around metal, which clinked together as I grasped it. I pulled his keys from the interior of the couch and made for the door at a hastened pace, not bothering to glance back.

Emmett had stood up from the couch now and I felt his gaze in accompaniment with Jasper's as it followed me to the door, their expressions horrified. Still, they did nothing, leaving it to Rosalie as she followed me to the door and out onto the porch.

"Bella, stop!" She was begging now, the tone of her voice a desperate plea. "You won't do anyone any good by doing this! …Think of Edward!"

I paused now, but only for one, miniscule second. I remembered his face the night Rosalie had given him the news. I remembered the pain of his denial, the agony on his features. His broken-down, heart-breaking sobs. I couldn't let that happen again. Still, this was something that simply had to be done. I wouldn't let her touch me, I decided. Victoria wouldn't kill Edward's happiness forever the way I'd almost done myself. No. I would kill her instead. There, that made it easy enough.

"I won't get hurt, Rosalie," I stated simply and with a smart roll of my eyes, as though this should have been obvious all along.

She scoffed a little at this. "And how exactly are you planning on accomplishing that?" She snapped, cynical.

I glanced over at her ever so briefly. "Admit it, Rose," I ordered with a forced laugh, "even you wouldn't bet against me in a fight with Victoria. I'm a newborn." I grinned proudly. "Well…almost," I had to add for the sake of my own conscience if nothing else.

Rosalie stared at me, looking even more horrified than she had before, her jaw falling open a little. "You can't be serious!" She exclaimed when my words had registered. "Bella, Victoria must be centuries older than you! She has fighting experience that you can't even dream of as of now…she'll kill you like that!" She snapped her fingers. "You can't go! I won't let you!"

I'd already made up my mind. Whirling around in one quick motion that was too quick for Rosalie to react to and probably way beyond the focus of the naked _human _eye, I struck out with one foot in four movements, damaging the engines on four of the bikes there beyond repair, denting the very steel and making them impossible to start without professional assistance – therefore making it impossible to follow me.

I climbed aboard the fifth one, jamming Edward's car keys in the back pocket of my jeans as I grabbed the clutch and kick-started the ignition. Again, Rosalie did her best to stop me. "Bella –!"

"I'll be in touch!" I called over one shoulder as I shifted the gear. "If Edward calls again, tell him I'll be back soon!" That said, I released the clutch all at once, holding on almost effortlessly as the bike bucked underneath of me, lurching forward and sending up a spray of hard, frozen dirt. I steered it across the field, back toward the tree line that I knew would lead me to Edward's familiar Volvo. Rosalie tried to follow me for a time, running probably more quickly than she had ever tried to before, but even her supernatural speed was no match for the speed at which I was pushing the bike.

The thought that I would never be able to do this if I were still human crossed my mind and on this note a smile crossed my lips as well. It was more triumphant than anything. I wasn't happy by any means. I needed to get back to Charlie _immediately_. I needed to know that he was alright. I needed to stop Victoria…somehow. And whether I'd realized it or not before, I missed Forks. This was going to be interesting.


	41. Chapter 41: Charlie

**Chapter 41: Charlie**

I grinned minutely to myself as the engine of Edward's car purred to life beneath me. I sat there for the briefest of moments, sliding my eyes closed and just savoring the sound and feel of it, the familiar smell of leather. It had been so long since I'd ridden in the Volvo… and I'd certainly never _driven _it. If it weren't for the dire situation I might have even enjoyed this a little.

Then I shifted gears and floored the gas, wrenching the steering wheel left as I did so as to spin the car around in a controlled and – even if I did say so myself – impressive circle before pointing it back in the direction from which we'd come and blazing down the road at a speed that would be impossible for any human – even the most skilled of racecar drivers – to accomplish. My smile grew a little more despite myself. Edward was right. All vampires _did _like to drive fast. Not only was it exhilarating but it was almost physically painful to crawl along at any snail-slow speed under ninety. I cringed. All those months of driving my feeble old truck must have killed Edward. No wonder he'd tried so hard to get me to acquire something faster.

Driving his Volvo I was surprised to find myself beginning to feel right again. Almost whole. More like myself than I'd felt in weeks. I looked at my engagement ring as it contrasted brilliantly with the dark steering wheel it was against. I let my lips curve up a little in a content smile. There was no doubt in my mind anymore that this was where I belonged. I'd never really _belonged _to anyone before. But I _did _belong to Edward. And driving his car, it almost felt as though he were with me again, here, holding my hand, talking to me…

"Honestly, Bella! Have you no reasoning at all?"

I jumped. "What the –?" My foot came down hard on the brakes and the car skidded to a violent and very abrupt halt in the center of the vacant Alaskan road, grinding sideways in the frozen dirt and gravel. But as the Volvo slowed my breathing accelerated, heaving startled, shortened breaths as my eyes flew first to the passenger's seat next to me and then to the back. Both were empty.

Suddenly turning my panicked, widened eyes back on the road, I gripped the steering wheel with both hands but refused to drive forward, waiting for my breathing to quiet. It was only then that I realized what must have happened. "Oh no," I groaned aloud, letting my forehead thump heavily against the steering wheel in front of me as I squeezed my eyes closed tightly in physically painful denial. This was _not _happening again.

But the voice persisted, unphased by my so obvious rejection. "That's right 'oh no'!" He growled from somewhere between my ears. "You've been caught. Turn this car around right now!"

Annoyed and clearly unwilling to listen to the imaginary protests, I raised my head to look at the road again and eased off of the brake, lining the car back up properly in the center of the road before continuing away from Tanya's house. The familiar, lovely voice would have none of it.

"This is stupid, senseless and idiotic, Bella!" It persisted in my ear, determined to stop me before I made the situation worse than it already was.

I ignored it and kept driving.

"You're going to end up killing someone! Or worse!" He snarled. Then, in a calmer, smoother voice, "Go back to Tanya and the others. They'll take care of you until I get back…"

The crystal clarity of the beautiful voice amazed me. I had forgotten how perfect it was. As perfect as if he'd been sitting right there next to me. A part of me wanted to simply sit back and listen to the frustration in it, enjoying the beautiful sound as he did his best to stop me before I could reach Forks. But I couldn't do that. I knew that if I let myself listen for too long a minute I would eventually end up convinced by it and thus turning around to drive back to wait for him at Tanya's, once again useless and mindlessly bored. That wouldn't help anyone. I had to continue.

"Watch what you're doing, Bella. Don't you see how dangerously reckless this is?" The voice paused for a moment, as though it were expecting me to answer it like a crazy person. When I refused to, it pressed on. "Think of Charlie!" It commanded. "He'll end up dead along with all those other people and it'll be _your _fault." _That's not helping, _I mused as I listened. But still, I refused to answer out loud.

"And what about Victoria? Do you _want _to kill yourself? Is that it?"

I frowned. He was saying the same things I'd heard him say all those months ago. It almost sounded like a CD I listened to over and over again simply because I liked it. This only seemed to prove the fact that it was merely my anguished mind playing games with me.

"Bella, if she finds you, you won't have a chance! And what about the wolves? What if they end up finding you first? What if you end up exactly like Esme?"

I cringed. He started to beg, his honey voice softening.

"Please, Bella. Please just turn around. You can mess with the memories of the rest of my family until I get back. Please, don't do this."

I had to smile though, despite myself. He sounded so perfect. So…_real_. Even over the phone he hadn't sounded this close. The static of the long-distance line had contaminated the beauty that was his voice. I hadn't heard it this clearly in a long time. Forever.

Finally though, I decided I had to drown it out somehow. As much as it pained me to do so, I knew that if I listened any longer I would only end up doing exactly as he said. My instincts wanted to listen to him. To obey without any question at all. But I couldn't.

Leaning forward in the driver's seat, I fiddled with the stereo system in the dashboard, switching on and then dialing up the volume on one of the CD's he had already installed. Sweet, familiar, classical music filled the interior of the car and I leaned my head back against the seat rest, listening even more contentedly than I had been before.

"Sorry, Edward," I murmured aloud, although I was addressing the real Edward, the one that was continents away in New Guinea. "This is something I have to do."

The voice stopped, blocked out by the determined melodies of his own music. For a moment I regretted being the cause of its sudden silence. A wave of uncertainty coursed through me as it quieted, ceasing the enraged orders in my head. It was so lovely… For just a moment I wanted it back. I wanted to hear it again and let it convince me. But then I had to remind myself why I was going through with this in the first place. Charlie. Right, of course, Charlie. He needed me. He needed my protection. I had to make sure he was safe.

I wouldn't get hurt, I promised myself quickly as I pushed the gas a little more. I wouldn't let that happen. And I wouldn't kill anyone either. I would stop and hunt again before I even reached the border of Forks. That ought to help…a little. After a moment I was impressed to find that I'd managed to convince myself that I would be back at Tanya's in no time. Edward would never even know I was gone. I would stop Victoria and therefore stop the senseless murders that were terrorizing my home town. I would make sure Charlie was safe and if I could do all of that in a brief couple of hours, then that meant I would be back with the others within the next day or two. Traveling at this speed I knew it wouldn't take more than a day to get there… Yes. This would be quite simple indeed. A piece of cake.

The drive took longer than I'd expected. I stopped to hunt quickly and then dashed back to the car. It took less than a few minutes. Then I stopped briefly for gas. To be honest I wasn't all that certain of exactly where I was going. I was sure it was this road…that turn…another turn…this highway…

How strange. I'd never noticed how incredibly far it was on the way up here. I kept my eyes open for any signs or familiar landmarks, ready to alter my course if I found anything of consequence. I _thought _I was going the right way…

I must have listened to his CD dozens of times through before I finally switched it off, welcoming the resulting silence. I was beginning to hum along with the songs that, only hours before, had been completely new to me. Recognizing this and how utterly pathetic it was, I decided that I had come too far to turn around anyway, even if I wanted to, and so allowed myself the quiet, unconcerned anymore about the voice. Maybe it could give me directions…

The silence worked. "Turn left here," I heard him sigh, defeated.

I smiled. _Thank you, _I thought with an air of triumph as I twisted the wheel left. For a moment I wondered if he would try and trick me into turning back, giving me false directions that in reality led all the way back to Denali. Then, of course, I decided I was being ridiculous. He was a hallucination! He couldn't trick me…could he? I had to think about this. If this was _my _mind giving me directions that perhaps it subconsciously remembered…than it couldn't deceive me into turning around…right?

I growled, frustrated as I floored the gas again, jumping up another couple of dashes on the speedometer. This whole insanity thing could get _very _confusing! Trees whizzed by on either side of me, moving at impossible speeds. That's when I realized I hadn't been tricked. The trees. The trees were the answer. As I studied them out the windshield of Edward's car, I realized that they weren't at all foreign to me.

I recognized the thick clusters of them, heavily veiling the surrounding area from my vision. And they were so impossibly green… I knew this area. The Olympic Rainforest? Then I saw it up ahead, so far in the distance that no human could have ever picked it out. But I did.

It was hidden slightly, camouflaged against the forest in green paint. I was just able to read the white lettering: _The city of Forks welcomes you. _I found myself grinning a sudden victory at this. I'd done it. I'd manage to overthrow my vampire family, not to mention my own uncertainty, and I'd gotten back home by my own accord. Home. It was a strangely warm-sounding word. I was glad to be home. _Home_. With uncanny timing, a few heavy drops of rain splattered onto the windshield, sending my spirits soaring with the sheer familiarity of it. It seemed as though home had been waiting for me as much as I had longed to return.

Every emotion I had ever felt here rushed back suddenly in a torrent of purpose. It had been so long…

For a time I'd thought I would never get the chance to return to Forks. I'd left that life behind, under the impression that it was all over for me now. Charlie. My house. My truck. My entire human existence. Everything had been left along with my humanity. I hadn't offered it a second glance back at the time…it was only now that I truly realized how much it had been missed.

With the memories came confusing emotions from a time that seemed so much simpler now – a time when I was just an ordinary human. It had all seemed so simple then… I'd gone through the motions every day, not thinking anything of it. Eating. Sleeping. Going to school. Going to work. Talking to Charlie. I'd never really thought about it and until now I hadn't realized how much I missed it. When had everything gotten so complicated? I almost resented being a vampire for a moment. My entire track of life had been altered during that change. In those three days I had gone from the accident-prone, innocent human to something…else. A different monster all together. And now I would never be able to get it back.

At least I had Edward, I reminded myself as a few of the town's buildings loomed up not too far ahead. That was all that mattered. That was why I had done it in the first place. And I was glad I had. Still, I did my best to justify my emotions, that didn't mean I couldn't miss the life I'd had…once. After all, it was all I knew then. All I lived. I was entitled to relive it a little, just for the fun of it.

Then it hit me. I slammed on the brakes. The car's tires squealed to a stop and I gripped the steering wheel with both hands, my knuckles ghost white as I struggled against the urge to crush it.

I heard a triumphant laugh inside my head. "I hate to say I told you so…" he chuckled.

I ignored it, fighting the desire to panic. No. I could smell it from here. It was already so strong, wafting in through the car's air vents and reaching my nostrils with astonishing intensity. I had been away from it for so long…I'd forgotten what it smelt like…the crushing craving that it planted in my sharpened senses. Maybe I could just…step outside for a minute and… _no. _

I snapped the vents shut, grasping the collar of my shirt with the other hand and pulling it up to cover my nose and mouth. I took a few deep breaths into the fabric of it, focusing only on my own icy scent that radiated from it. I ignored the other smells. At least I tried to. They were so…powerful. I had never known something so devastatingly alluring…besides Edward of course.

Edward. I thought of him suddenly. Where was he now? Where was that voice again that I abruptly found myself needing so much? I needed his encouragement, his wisdom. He had been through this…once. But he'd cheated, I reminded myself quickly. Once or twice, he admitted to it. I could never judge him for that any longer. For a moment I thought about it myself… It wouldn't be that difficult… No one would know… With the killings that were going on so often it would only intermingle. No one would know the difference… And it would feel so good… I imagined the steaming, salty taste, running over my teeth and tongue, filling my mouth and draining satisfyingly down my throat… I had my hand on the door handle.

"Just keep driving, Bella."

I started at the sound of his voice, my face falling suddenly. I could almost see his beautiful features. See them so clearly that it wasn't at all difficult to imagine what they might look like if I threw in the towel now. I took my hand away from the door.

"You're going to be fine," the gentle, loving voice promised me. For a moment this took my attention away from the aching desire. This was new. I'd never heard the hallucination gentle before… Whenever I'd heard it it was always angry or disapproving. Now it was merely helping.

"I know you," he muttered in my ear softly. "You're stronger than this. Go to Charlie's. Seeing him will help."

I listened to his order for a moment, considering it extensively. Finally though, I decided against it. I could go to Charlie's now! Not in the state I was in! Rosalie was right. I would kill him! All too suddenly, I was hyperventilating, gasping for some source of clean air and shying away from the scent that literally caused me physical agony to resist. "How can you stand it?!" I gasped out loud, speaking before I had the chance to think. I didn't care that I was now officially a crazy person. That didn't seem to matter at the moment. I needed help.

"Just relax, Bella," the voice ordered gently. "Hold your breath."

I stopped gasping, confused. This was an odd request. It seemed like the opposite thing someone might say to someone who was panicking. 'Take a _deep_ breath' was more customary.

"I don't…understand," I blubbered.

"Trust me." The voice was firmer now. "Do as I say. Hold your breath and drive straight through to Charlie's."

Charlie. As I thought of him I was certain I felt the pain lessen a little. I remembered the conversation we had on the couch that day just before I left. Forever my dad. Forever his little girl. I eased off on the brake a little, freezing my lungs in my chest.

"That's it." The voice had turned to an encouraging whisper now. "You're doing fine. Just keep going."

I released the brake entirely, moving my foot to the gas pedal. I reasoned that if I drove fast enough I wouldn't smell it too long. It was only a fifteen minute drive from here to Charlie's house. If I sped the way vampires were meant to, I could be there in no time. But the relief I felt as I caught my breath in my throat was overwhelming. If only I'd known that was all I had to do…

I couldn't smell anything, and that made me slightly uncomfortable since smelling was what I was most used to now. My instincts screamed for me to take in a deep gulp of air, but I resisted. As unnatural as holding my breath felt, it felt exceedingly wonderful not to smell the blood anymore. Not to feel the temptation. I kept holding my breath, forcing my mind to other matters besides the ache in my chest. I didn't need to breathe, I reminded myself over and over again. I was a vampire. I didn't need to breathe.

I must have driven faster than intended though. I noted the looks of disapproval I received from several pedestrians, most of which I recognized and, with a pang of guilt, ignored. I had somewhere to be. I couldn't stop now.

Before I was even aware of it the front tires of the Volvo were pulling up over the edge of Charlie's driveway, grinding on the gravel as I pulled up next to the house. The house. It was so…_housey, _for lack of a better word. Home. I had spent so many summers here…and then, after that, so many months here. I couldn't help but smile a little as I looked at it; the structure I never thought I would see again. It brought an odd sense of liberation to my mind as I drank it in.

The police cruiser wasn't here, I noted with a pinch of relief and a stab of concern. He could have been anywhere, I reminded myself quickly. Work. At Billy's. Anywhere he normally went on a Friday afternoon. This didn't necessarily mean… I didn't let myself finish that thought. Perhaps I could go inside. Just for a minute. Just to see…

I stopped. What if it was all taped up? Everything covered over in white sheets and dust, looking like no one lived there any longer? What would that mean? Ridiculous, I told myself hastily. Everything was fine. Charlie was safe. Everything was normal, exactly as it was when I left it. Still, it couldn't hurt to be sure.

Still holding my breath ever so strictly, I stepped from the car, racing for the back door at a speed only another vampire could follow. No one would see me, I vowed to myself. Not even Charlie had to know I was here. I would simply go in, check on things. Things… I thought hard. What things? What could I do to be sure he was still alive? The milk. It sounded odd, but that was the only answer my frenzied mind came up with. I would check the expiration date on the milk in the fridge and if it was fresh, then everything was fine. It had to be. Still, something told me not even that made a whole lot of sense…

I bounded up onto the back deck, grasping the handle on the screen door with one hand while I covered my nose and mouth with the other. I grimaced when it didn't open. For a moment I deliberated. I tried to remember where the key was but my head was swimming. If I waited much longer it would be too late. I pulled a little harder, hoping I was mistaken. I heard an audible snap and the door jerked open suddenly. I visibly winced when I realized what I'd done. _Oh well, _I told myself hastily as I dashed inside, _no time to worry about broken locks. _

Even with the additional reassurance, I found myself tense as I crossed the threshold into the kitchen, anxious. But then I released a heavy breath of relief. Mistake. I caught my breath again. The whole place smelled of Charlie. Of _human_. It was almost too much to take. Still, the scent was a little stale and I was vaguely aware of the fact that my instincts were promising me that there was no human here. I let myself take one slow breath. It seemed bearable enough… There was no blood… I started breathing again, relieved.

The kitchen looked exactly the same as it had when I left. I could swear that even the chairs were in the same exact positions as they had been then. The same flowers sat in the center of the table, although shriveled and dead. The same pictures on the mantle. The same just on the windowsill. Nothing had changed in the slightest. No white sheets. No yellow tape.

The counters were littered, however, with what looked like weeks upon week's worth of culinary attempts. Pots and dishes were scattered, not bothered to have been scraped clean of substances that even I couldn't identify. The stove was no longer visible, buried under dozens of recipe manuals and kitchen supplies. I was certain I felt my heart flutter a little, warming at the thought of Charlie trying to cook in my absence. Truthfully, I was surprised the house was still standing, having survived each and every one of the efforts. It must have taken a miracle to accomplish.

In a momentary bout of curiosity, I glanced at the kitchen table, one corner of my mouth twitching upwards in satisfaction – although not quite contentedness – when I noted that my little letter was gone. So he _had _seen it…

Slowly, I glided over to the fridge, carefully drawing the door open to reveal what looked like a week's worth of take-out leftovers. I shook my head in obvious disapproval. Poor, poor Charlie. What was I ever going to do with him?

But there _was _milk. I pulled the carton out for a moment, cringing at the awful smell of it. But was it _sour_? I checked the expiration date. Nope. Still fresh. Sighing now in satisfaction, I replaced the milk on its shelf in the fridge and closed the door. So Charlie really _was _fine. Good. More than good. Great. I could leave now.

But for some reason my feet felt rooted to the floor. Did I really _have _to go? Would it really be so bad if I saw Charlie just for a minute? Just to say hi? Yes! What was I thinking? Of course it would be! I had to leave now before I missed my chance! But then, I never got the chance to be this close to so many old friends anymore. Maybe this would be the only chance I ever got… perhaps it wouldn't hurt just to drop Angela a quick call or…maybe check my e-mail? That could be interesting, I thought as I took a step toward the stairs. It would only take a minute…

I heard the thrum of a car's engine as it approached the house suddenly. I froze. It was just a passing car, I told myself. No need to panic. My hearing was sharper than it had been before and it probably _sounded _closer than it really was…

I heard a car door slam. _Oh, crap! _Now I started to panic. It had to be Charlie. I'd missed my chance for an inconspicuous getaway. He would have seen Edward's car…

Footsteps. He was running up to the back door, probably rushing as to make sure he didn't miss me. The haste in his movements confirmed my suspicions. He knew I was here. Or at least that _someone _was. I didn't have a hope of leaving unnoticed now. Maybe if I moved fast enough I could make it upstairs and out the window… I could start the car and be gone before he even had a clue as to where I was. But could I really leave him hanging a second time like that?

I could smell him from here. He'd reached the back door. Paying no attention to the broken lock, he wrenched it open. I dashed behind it, concealing myself against the wall. _Oh, that's great, _I mused to myself with an aggravated roll of my eyes, _really mature. _But it seemed I had no time for mature. Perhaps this would at least buy me some more time before I made up my mind. I could always make a run for it later if I decided it would be wrong to say hello.

"Bella?" Charlie called as he dashed into the light of the kitchen and I felt my heart wrench at the sound of his voice. It was so sad. So fatherly. I could hear the hope ringing through it more than anything. He wanted me to be here so badly…

I closed my eyes and pressed myself more strongly against the wall, trying not to dent it. I couldn't move. Not yet. The smell was overwhelming. If I moved now I knew exactly what I would end up doing and I was _not _going to live an eternity with the guilt of knowing I'd killed my own father…not to mention proving Rosalie right when I'd put up such a battle.

Maybe if I just closed my eyes long enough and held still he would go away. Maybe it would all go away. The smell. The urge. The immeasurable guilt that coursed through me when I thought of the thing I most wanted to do at the moment. Where was Edward? Or _Carlisle. _I needed Carlisle. He would know exactly what to do. He always knew just what to say about matters such as this. He would put me straight. But he wasn't here. I would have to deal with this on my own…somehow.

I caught my breath and held it, praying that it might help in some small way. It did, but barely. I wasn't breathing in his strong, tempting scent anymore…just wallowing in it. I tried moving a little, just to see if I could manage it without exploding. I inched toward the edge of the door and stopped myself, satisfied that I _could _in fact stop if I wanted to. This wasn't going to be easy by any means.

"Bella?" Charlie sprinted toward the stairs – probably the fastest I had ever seen him move – halting at the base of them and calling up toward my room. My heart broke at the sound of his voice. "Edward? Is anyone there?" He paused for a moment, as though swallowing the uncertainty that was suddenly finding its way back to him. "I saw your car!" He called, as though that was going to bring one of us into the light if we _were _here.

I wanted to sigh, but I didn't. I swallowed hard instead, opening my eyes a little. I couldn't just leave him. Not now. Not like this. It would be too cruel. He'd probably spent the last month and a half brooding over my disappearance, worrying the way he always did. Getting scared. All at once I realized he must have thought he'd lost me for good. I couldn't begin to imagine the pain that must have brought him. If I left now I would only make it worse…

But then, if I didn't leave now I was running a serious risk. What if I couldn't control myself? I was doing well at the moment, but, what if it all became too much? What if I lost it just like Rosalie had said? It wouldn't be difficult. I was only a near-newborn after all. I had never tasted human blood. Never even _really _been around it for that long. I didn't know how long I could last.

"You love your father, don't you, dear?"

I started, my breathing kicking into high gear again. "Oh!" It came out in a whisper, far too low to seize Charlie's attention. It took me a moment before I could start thinking again. This was _definitely _new…

I had never heard any voice other than Edward's. A fresh, different one surprised me. Again, just like all the other times, it was coming through so clearly, so perfectly. It…it was _impossible_! I knew that voice… And no matter how confused I was at the moment I couldn't suppress the thrill of happiness that resulted from hearing it. I felt like crying again…

"Esme?" I croaked, my voice far too low for human ears to pick up.

"I know you love Charlie, Bella," the voice persisted, not bothering to respond to my questioning. "That will be enough."

Again, I swallowed hard. No, I wasn't going to listen to a voice in my head. It was really _my _own memory of a voice after all. It wasn't real…it couldn't be. So what could it possibly know? What if it was wrong? I tried to remember the reason I'd found for the voices before…what was it again? I knew there had been a purpose to them, Edward had helped me to figure it out…the truth. Yes, that had been it. Simply the truth.

I'd heard Edward's voice because I knew he loved me. Even though it had been difficult to believe all that time ago, something, some forgotten, buried truth refused to be silence. It persisted in my head until I believed it. Until I realized what truly mattered. So what was this now? Esme? In my head? Interesting certainly…but…what was she doing there? The truth was that she was dead, I knew that. As much as it pained me to confirm it, I knew that. So why was I hearing her now?

Then it came to me. Maybe it wasn't her _voice _that was the answer. Maybe it was her words.

"You're young, dear," she pressed on in my ear, her lovely, familiar voice sounding so pure and so real that I wanted to go to it. I didn't know how, but I wanted to go to it. I wanted to see her and touch her and talk to her. But I couldn't. I could only listen. "You're young, but you are stronger than any of us. You may not realize that now, but it's true." _True. _I noted it as a key word.

"I know you think that any vampire of your age and experience is dangerously unpredictable. That they could fly out of control in a matter of seconds…and you're probably right. But not any young vampire has the love surrounding them that you do. None of them know the true meaning for living as you do."

As I listened, I thought of Edward. Yes. The meaning of life. He was that for me.

"And you love your father, probably more than you realize. Whether you know it or not you would never hurt him, no matter the cost to you. You can't. Even if you hadn't hunted for weeks, even if you were freshly born today and even if he was the first trace of human blood that you smelled…you still wouldn't hurt him. You are strong, Bella, dear. Love is what makes you strong. Never forget that."

As I listened to it her voice began to drift away. _No. _I wanted it to stay. I wanted to hear it again… It didn't return. I missed the sweetness of it. The loving, motherly tone. I needed to hear it. Needed to listen.

It felt as though I'd stood behind that door for hours. Days, even. But I was certain it couldn't have been more than a matter of minutes. I thought about what Esme had said…well, what she'd said in my head. I wasn't going to let myself lose my total grip on reality simply because the pain had finally caused me to snap mentally. I knew I'd lost it. I didn't care.

Esme had said I was strong. Could she be right? I knew I was strong, but…how strong? Enough? No. No young vampire was _that _strong…then again…

I thought of her words again. _"Love is what makes you strong." _It was true; I had to at least allow myself that much. And I had more love than any other young vampire probably ever did in the history of our world. Edward. The entire Cullen family. They would all lay their lives down to protect me. Esme had. I supposed that could have been why I was hearing her voice now…

But love. I remembered the night on the staircase with Jasper. Love. That had been the answer then. Was it the answer now? Was it always the answer? Most vampires were born out of hostility and hate, sometimes simply thirst and sometimes simply because someone thought it was necessary for their survival. But I had been born out of love. The purest kind of love. And only love. That had to be a first…didn't it? Certainly no other vampire had _chosen _this life, as I had. Certainly no other vampire had had their true love, their _soul mate _transform them into something that they saw was better than being human. I was the only one. Maybe I could be the only one not to succumb to the ravaging thirst as well.

"Bella?" Charlie's voice was weakening, strained from yelling as the awful reality began to creep over him. I couldn't be here. Not after all this time. He plopped himself down in one of the kitchen chairs, his face in his hands. "Oh, Bells." I heard him start to cry.

_Oh for crying out loud, _I thought as I listened. Wonderful, now not only had I broken my father's heart a second time, but I'd fully succeeded in making him cry. I pushed myself further with the thought that I would have to listen to it if I didn't do it now.

Slowly, I stepped out from behind the door, moving so quietly that it didn't disturb Charlie's blubbering as he wracked sobs into the palms of his rough, calloused hands.

For a moment I merely stood there, unwilling to move anymore as I stared at him. I was in his kitchen, in plain sight. I would have to say something. I couldn't let him simply look up and see me there. The shock might give him a stroke before I got a chance to say hello.

Ever so tentatively, I opened my mouth. Then closed it again, deliberating. Slowly, my lips parted a second time. "Dad?" My voice was hoarse and barely above a whisper, but in the quiet it was enough for him to hear. It seemed though, his sobs overrode it for a minute. I would have to try again. Sighing heavily, I raised my voice a little. "Dad, don't freak out, okay?"

His head snapped up instantly to look at me, his expression suddenly stunned as emotion of every shape, size and color flickered across his eyes. They widened, as though they didn't really believe it was me standing there. Right there. Right in front of him again, after all this time. His jaw fell open and yet more tears spilled over his bottom lids, coursing down his cheeks at the sight of me. "Bella?!" He exclaimed through a voice cracked with emotion, his tone still disbelieving. "_Bella_, is that you?" He stood up, taking one hastened step toward me.

I held out both hands immediately to stop him, gesturing for him to stay where he was. "Please, Dad, don't come any closer," I ordered immediately, my voice pleading. Even with this solid and quite sufficient guard of love I had acquired, I still wasn't ready to trust myself entirely. I knew I looked different, but as Edward had said, I still looked like _me_. I knew _that _wasn't the reason Charlie didn't believe his eyes.

But as I watched my father's expression changed, twisting into a combination of hurt and mystification. I felt a pang of guilt as a result of having to command such a thing, but it had to be done.

"What are you talking about, Bells?" He demanded after a long moment of thought. More tears trailed over the skin of his cheeks, almost physically hurting me. He took another step, his arms outstretched.

I swallowed hard and took a step back. "Dad, really, stay away from me!" I ordered, my voice harsher this time.

The words mirrored a slap on his expression. He halted instantly in his tracks, his arms dropping back to his sides. He stared at me for a long moment, drinking in the sight of me through his blurred vision. I stood, unwilling to move. Unwilling to breathe. I wondered how I really looked to him. Did I really look that different at all? I couldn't have, I decided. He recognized me without much difficulty. I still looked like me, just a little paler, a little more beautiful and with brilliant red eyes… I must have been scaring him beyond repair.

It hurt to tell him to stop. I didn't want to. I knew he would take it the wrong way the way he took everything the wrong way. He would think I was referring to _his _actions, not to my own. He would think I was angry with him for some reason. I wasn't. I wanted to be near him. I wanted to embrace him and feel his fatherly touch and tell him everything was going to be okay more than anything else in the world. But I couldn't. I had to stay where I was. I could only stand and stare as he registered my presence and decided what he wanted to do with it.

Finally, Charlie heaved a sorrowful sigh. "Oh, Bella," he breathed, lowering his eyes to the floor at my feet. "Bells, honey, I'm sorry."

My eyes widened a little as I stared at him. "What?"

He looked up again. "I'm sorry if I ever hurt you," he went on, blubbering again. "I'm sorry if I was a lousy father and I'm sorry if I was too strict. I never had much experience you know… I'm so sorry. I never wanted you to leave…" His voice broke. "I never wanted you to –"

"Dad, stop," I demanded abruptly, my voice twice as composed as his. I shook my head. "You didn't do anything wrong." My voice held the seal of a promise and I knew he would believe me, although it might confuse him at first.

My suspicions proved correct. His thick eyebrows knitted together in obvious confusion. A line creased across his forehead and his head tilted ever so slightly to one side. "Then why –?"

"I left because I had to. End of story. It was nothing you did." All at once I felt like a complete idiot. What had I been thinking? Coming here? Seeing Charlie? How had I ever expected to get out of this without a viable explanation?

Charlie stared at me, uncertain. Finally though, I supposed he decided not to address the subject just yet. "Bella, I missed you so much…" I heard the threat of tears in his voice and visibly cringed. I didn't want him to cry anymore. The more he cried the more I wanted to. And the more it hurt not to. "It's so good to see you again," Charlie pressed on, tentative. He paused for a long moment, deliberating. Finally though, his eyes went to my face again and he shrugged a little sheepishly. "I don't know what to say," he confessed.

I sighed, letting the tiniest of smiles creep onto my features as my eyes darted toward the mess of dishes and pots on the counter. I raised one eyebrow meaningfully. "Why don't we start with dinner?" I suggested.

It wasn't fifteen minutes before the water was boiling and the strong, overpowering aroma of pasta noodles cooking took over the kitchen. This at least, I was grateful for. As long as I stayed near the pot it masked most of Charlie's smell, making things much easier. The sauce cooked in a smaller pot on the burner next to it and I noted the relieved, content expression on Charlie's features as he watched me cook from his seat at the kitchen table.

The food, of course, smelled wretched to me, but at least it did its job. It pleased Charlie and kept me from being too tempted. Satisfied with about my eighth round of stirring, I turned from the stove momentarily to gaze at my father, pressing my back as tightly as I could manage against the edge of the counter.

He hadn't said anything in a long while and it was beginning to worry me. I wondered how long he was planning on keeping up the calm, composed charade. I could tell he wanted more than anything to do the worried, upset, father thing. So I handed him the opportunity.

"So, do you want to start grilling me now or should we wait until dessert?" I sighed as I dropped the wooden spoon on the dirty countertop. I looked at him and waited.

But to my surprise Charlie merely glanced up at me and shrugged, indifferent. "I'm just glad to have you back, Bells," he replied, maintaining that impossibly calm mask of his. I had to admit, I was impressed. The composure seemed almost genuine. But I couldn't let him think that way. I wouldn't trick him into breaking his own heart a second time.

"I'm not staying," I assured him quickly, unwilling to lead him on.

But again, he surprised me by merely nodding, although his expression fell a little. "I know," he stated finally, still not taking his eyes off of me. They lingered on me with such intensity for a long moment that I couldn't help but laugh.

"What are you staring at?" I demanded abruptly, finally phased by it, even if only slightly.

Charlie started a little at my shortness, but otherwise didn't alter his stance in the chair. He shook his head. "You look so…different," he remarked, still not taking his eyes off of my frame.

I had to force another laugh at this. "Good different?" I raised my eyebrows in his direction, playfully daring him to respond otherwise, but he quickly nodded, as though sensing my silent demand.

"Of course, good different," he corrected hastily, suddenly seeming to snap back into the proper mindset. "What I meant was you look so…" he seemed to be struggling for words, "_beautiful_. Not that you weren't beautiful before of course, but…did you get contacts?" He asked it so suddenly I had no chance to think as his eyes flew to my own. Quickly, I forced composure onto my features again as I returned to face the boiling pot on the stove, my back to Charlie again.

I had to think quickly. "Uh…yeah." If I said no it wouldn't make any sense at all. Not that getting contacts would make sense either, but at least it gave me a half-practical excuse for red eyes. What else was I supposed to tell him?

"Oh," Charlie said finally, uncertain as to how exactly a father should react to this. "They're…interesting," he decided after a long moment.

I raised my eyebrows on the pot of spaghetti sauce as I stirred it. _Interesting_. Could he have picked a more generic choice of words? He didn't like them. It was obvious. I didn't care. The rest of my family loved them.

Charlie was silent for another long minute, no doubt debating as to his next words. It was clear that he hadn't decided whether or not he wanted to risk demanding an explanation yet. He knew if he did it would only come with the chance of me taking off for the thousandth time on him, never to be seen again. It seemed like he wasn't ready to take that gamble just yet. He cleared his throat, preparing for more casual conversation. I put the spoon down and turned back to face him.

"So," he breathed, trying not to stare at me again, "how have you been? How's Edward?"

_Very subtle, _I thought with an inward roll of my eyes. I wouldn't let him see the irritation just yet. "Edward's fine, Dad," I told him with a heavy sigh. "I just thought I should come alone."

I could almost see the disappointment in his eyes, no matter how hard he tried to hide it. I knew what he was hoping had happened. But if he thought Edward and I had seriously broken up again and I had come back to beg forgiveness as the prodigal daughter, he was sorely mistaken.

"We've been staying in Alaska." – I wouldn't tell him exactly where – "Edward and I are just getting ready for the fall semester at the University to start up again. His family came with us. They decided they needed a change…" I let my voice trail off. I knew how bad a liar I was. Would that be magnified in Charlie's eyes now that I was no longer human? Would he see right through it? What if he insisted on coming out too? What would I do then? Would he say anything about the hospital?

"Oh."

_Oh? That's it?_

"How are they?" Charlie asked finally. It was clear he was avoiding the subject of details as much as I. I was grateful for that. But _how were they? _That one wasn't going to be easy to answer.

"They're…okay." My tone betrayed my words.

Charlie raised one of his dark eyebrows in my direction, catching onto my hesitation almost immediately. "Just okay?" He pried a little.

I sighed, raising my eyes to the ceiling for a second. I knew I couldn't tell him everything, not even close. But that love that he held for me as a father was beginning to eat away at my conscience. I had to tell him _something_, didn't I? He had a right to know…

I lowered my eyes to the floor, studying a dust bunny there for a long moment. "Mrs. Cullen died, Dad." The words tore through me with a pain I hadn't let myself experience in a while. I hadn't expected the news to hurt this much after all this time, but it did. It sounded too…_real _not to hurt.

Charlie seemed hurt too. First shock flickered across his worn features and then grief. "Oh no," he whispered more to himself than to me, shaking his balding head as he did so. "Bella, no…what happened?"

I sighed again, thinking. "She…had a heart attack," I told him slowly. It was pretty generic and didn't make a whole lot of sense, but something told me lying wouldn't cross Charlie's mind on this matter. He would accept whatever I told him.

He shook his head. "And so young," he remarked quietly. "I never knew she had heart problems."

I shrugged, struggling to keep the agony at bay. "None of us did. It was a pretty big shock." There. That wasn't exactly a lie.

Charlie was already shaking his head a second time, his expression cheerless. "Those poor kids," he breathed in a voice barely above a whisper, resting his chin on his folded hands that were supported by his elbows on the tabletop. Then he turned his eyes on me again. "How's Carlisle?"

I shrugged. "Coping." I used the same answer I'd used for Edward's inquiry about his brother. It seemed like the only thing that really fit…

For a long moment Charlie didn't say anything after that so I turned back to the spaghetti, shoveling a fair-sized portion of it onto a plate I'd gotten from the cupboard and ladling a spoonful of sauce on afterwards. I reached over and switched off the stove then before carrying the plate over to the table and placing it in front of Charlie, fighting against the urge to wrinkle my nose at the smell of it.

I then turned and strode back across the room, leaning against the opposite wall as far away from my father as I could possibly get.

He looked at me a little indignantly. "You're not going to have any?" He questioned, surprised.

I shrugged and shook my head. "I'm not hungry."

Suddenly though, his expression turned disapproving. "Bella, honey, you're white as a ghost. Please, eat something." He gestured to the chair in front of him.

I shook my head a second time, reluctant. "No thanks, Dad. I just came to check up on you and then I have to go. I heard about the murders…"

He nodded suddenly, forgetting about the food. "Ah, yes," he sighed. "It seems we've been having a bit of a crime bust over the past few days…no one seems to know what is causing it."

I forced a smile. "You're a brilliant Chief of Police, Dad," I told him, doing my best to suck up. "I'm sure you'll figure it out."

He stared at his food, prodding the pasta for a long moment and putting none of it in his mouth. "Yeah…" He didn't sound all that certain. Then he looked up again, his expression suddenly hard as he put down his fork. "Bella, can we talk?" He asked a little too abruptly for my liking.

I groaned inwardly. This was exactly the kind of thing I had been hoping to escape. A part of me had thought Charlie would be happy enough just to see me and then let me go again without question. Apparently though, there was no chance of that.

He gestured again to the other chair at the table. "Sit down." His voice made it clear that this wasn't a suggestion.

I hesitated momentarily, uncertain. I didn't like the idea of such close proximity to Charlie. I was having enough trouble as it was. It was still surprisingly easy of course, all things considered, but that didn't mean I was free to do as I pleased. The thirst still throbbed in the back of my mind, unyielding.

Slowly, I stepped up to the chair and pulled it out, sitting down around the opposite side of the small table. I tried to focus on the putrid stench of spaghetti and tomato sauce. I kept my back pressed against the chair, unwilling to lean forward in the least.

"Now, Bella," he began suddenly, his eyes holding that intense look than I'd seen from him so many times before. The times I'd run off before, "I know you're an adult now and you're pretty much free to do as you please. I understand that. Truly I do. I can't ground you or lecture you –"

"Like you're doing now?" I muttered under my breath.

He ignored that. " – But I also can't just sit back and pretend like everything is okay when you disappeared out of the blue, never to be seen or heard of again. You didn't call or leave an address – you _barely _left a legitimate note. I thought you'd gone out to get milk!" He sighed briefly, recomposing himself. "When you never came home, what did you expect me to think? Do you have any idea how –?"

"Dad, I'm sorry. Is that what you wanted me to say?" I cut him off abruptly. "I'm sorry I left. There was something I had to do, but it's done now, okay? I can't come home. Not when Edward needs me so much. His mother died and I have to be there for him. I was going to call after a couple of weeks but then she had the heart attack and –"

"But what I don't understand, Bella, is why you left in the first place," Charlie interrupted, shrugging his shoulders in a desperate attempt to understand. I had to cringe. This was exactly what I thought was going to happen. I stood up, turning away from the table.

"I knew I shouldn't have come," I murmured as I faced the wall, my eyes on the ceiling. "I knew you wouldn't understand."

But now Charlie stood too. "Try me," he demanded.

I wheeled around to face him. "I can't!"

He stared at me, crossing his arms across his chest in a huff. "Is it because they _made _you go, Bella?" He demanded, suddenly overbearingly protective. "_Did _they kidnap you?"

"Of course not!"

He shrugged. "Fine," he stated simply before he turned and trudged over to the phone on the kitchen counter. "I'm calling Renee then. She ought to know you're back."

My growl was audible this time as I rolled my eyes, exasperated. How much more childish could Charlie get? Threatening to call my _mother_? I was at his side almost instantaneously, working to slow my motions down so as not to startle him. I slammed the receiver back down just seconds after he picked it up. "I'm _not _back!" I corrected loudly as I slid the entire phone down the counter, away from his grasp.

"I just came to say hello," I told him half-truthfully. "I'm going to call Mom myself, honest. The second I get back to Alaska." This was a lie. I knew that already. It had been a mistake to even come _here_. I wasn't going to announce my existence to Renee. I was sure Charlie would notify her anyway, after I left. But by then I would be long gone. Neither of them would be able to find me. Satisfied with this, I quieted, waiting for the reprimand from Charlie.

He stiffened a little, but otherwise said nothing as he stared at me for a long moment. "Alright…" he sighed finally, releasing the tension in the arm that had reached for the phone. "Just tell me one thing."

I groaned again.

"What on _earth _were you doing checking in to the maternity ward at the county hospital?!"

I groaned louder. What was I supposed to say to that? I couldn't admit to the obvious. As much better as that would be to say than to explain the truth, I still couldn't do it. Not to Charlie. That would kill him. And it would only bring on humiliation that I didn't deserve… I thought hard, but no feasible explanation came to mind.

"Nothing," I said finally, only too aware of how senseless of an answer that was.

But clearly, Charlie wasn't satisfied with this. He grasped me by the shoulders then, turning me to look at him fully. I held my breath as his scent crashed over me in a great wave of anxiety.

"Bella," he began again, his voice intense as he stared into my face, "I'm only going to ask you this once and whatever you say, I promise I'll believe you…"

I waited with baited breath for the question.

"Did you have a baby?"

"Dad, don't you think you would have noticed if I were pregnant?" I touched my flat stomach pointedly, hoping, _praying _that this would be enough to convince him, but he merely shrugged.

"Well, Bella, I don't know," he replied after a long moment, letting go of my shoulders as he did so. "You can never really tell with teenagers these days. What with their diets and everything…all you had to do was where a loose shirt and I never would have known…"

_You know nothing of diet, _I found myself thinking as I struggled to come up with an answer to this. Finally though, I sighed, coming up with nothing. "Please, Dad," – I went with the begging route – "you have to believe me. I would have told you if I were pregnant. Do you seriously think I would have just had a baby and not said anything?" It was almost a physical pain sometimes to realize how much Charlie truly _didn't _trust me. I realized I'd brought this upon myself, but didn't he know me at _all_?

Seeming to prove me wrong on that account though, his expression softened suddenly as his eyes took me in. "No, of course I don't think that," he sighed after a moment, lowering his eyes to the floor in shame. "I trust you, Bella. I do. It's just…what _were _you doing there then?"

"Just let it go, Dad!"

"Alright. Alright." He held up both hands in defeat, realizing he wasn't going to get an answer out of me this way, which was good, I decided. I didn't have one anyway. At least I'd managed to grind it into his mind that Edward hadn't gotten me pregnant. That, at least, could put his mind at ease. I knew he didn't know what to think about the matter anymore, but frankly I didn't care. I didn't know what I wanted him to think.

Sighing, I leaned both hands against the kitchen counter, grateful for the sudden ability to step away from him. I wouldn't be able to withstand his scent much longer. I was really pushing it as it was. "I should go now," I stated slowly, deliberately avoiding his gaze as I turned back toward the door.

He grasped my wrist, pulling me back. I let him do it. "Bella, wait," he pleaded as he turned me back to face him. "I'm sorry. Really, I am. I shouldn't have been so selfish. I'm just so happy to see you again. I missed you so much. Please don't leave now."

I felt my heart shatter at his words and I wanted to stay, but my mind quickly shied away from that idea. I couldn't afford another second here. My rage was using up the blood in my system faster than intended. Before long I would be thirsty again…

"I know, Dad. I know," I sighed, relaxing a little as I realized I had to be gentle about this or he would never let me go. "I missed you too. You have to know that. I just have to get back now. I have something else I need to do…" Like get myself killed.

I took another step toward the door but he stopped me again. "Bella, wait. Please. When will I see you again?"

I shook my head, the desperation beginning to return. "I don't know, Dad. I'll be in touch," I promised, trying my best to turn away from him. Then I got an idea. It was the only way he was going to let me go so I really had no choice other than to put it into action. "Edward and I are planning on having the wedding here in Forks." _Apparently. _"We haven't set a date yet, but I guess it'll be pretty soon…I'd really love it if you would walk me down the aisle." There. That worked. It would mean having to see Charlie one more time but if it meant he would let me go now it would be worth the emotional stress. I made myself a promise that the next time I saw him would be the last.

Now Charlie's expression softened completely and he immediately relinquished any control he had over me. "Oh, Bells, honey of course I will." He nodded quickly.

I did too. "Alright," I confirmed slowly, taking another step back. "I'll call you with a date."

"Wait!" It was so sudden even I didn't have any time to react to it. I shouldn't have let it happen. It was too much. He threw his arms around me, crushing me against his body in one heavy fatherly hug. I caught my breath instinctively. _No, no, no. _I couldn't handle this. My body went rigid, my muscles stiffening against the contact. I didn't breathe at all. Didn't let myself inhale.

Squeezing my eyes closed tightly, I turned my face away from the skin of his neck, desperate for clear air. I remembered how much I loved him. Why I was doing this. Why another murder didn't need to be committed. Because he was my father. And he was a mess. He didn't deserve to be killed. I felt as though I might explode if I didn't leave _right now_.

"I love you, Bells." He whispered in my ear after a moment.

I pushed away, using sheer strength as discreetly as I could. Finally, he let go. "I love you too," I told him sincerely. "I'll see you soon." I didn't honestly know how true this statement was, but I made it anyway. If it would put his mind at ease then it was worth the lie. I shouldn't have even come to see him _today. _I'd almost killed him on several accounts – I didn't know how I possibly had the restraint not to. How many newborns could one say that about? And I'd probably made a serious emotional dent in his future, when I would have to disappear yet another time, but at least I was able to make things right _this _time. It made sense for the moment anyway. That was enough.

I paused as I pushed the screen door open on my way out, turning back to look at Charlie for the briefest of moments. I ignored the tears that were glistening in his dark eyes. "Oh and Dad?"

He sniffed. "Yeah, Bells?"

"Please don't press kidnapping charges on the Cullens."

This at least, made him laugh. It made it all worth it as he swiped at the tears with the back of one hand. "I won't," he promised. "See ya."

"Yeah," I breathed, pushing the door open a little more. "See ya." That said, I disappeared for the second time, bounding off of the back deck and out to Edward's car at a pace that I knew Charlie would miss even if he were watching. I was desperate for safe air. Desperate to relieve myself of the crushing anxiety. I had to get away.

Slamming the car door behind me, I let the gasps come in exploding, frantic torrents, causing me to hyperventilate as I breathed in the familiar, soothing aroma of rich leather and vampire. Coughs ripped from my chest, causing me yet more physical pain. I didn't know resisting was so _hard_. That it could actually _hurt _if you pushed it to such an extent. I'd thought hunting would help. I'd thought if I did that I would have no thirst at all, that everything would be okay. I was wrong.

Reaching up to the sun visor on the driver's side, I pulled it down and flipped open the mirror, curious as to my appearance. Yup. I knew it. My eyes had darkened considerably, nearly coal-black now. Sighing heavily, I shook my head, returning the visor to its original position. Had Charlie noticed? He hadn't seemed to. I'd always thought it could take weeks for thirst to come on like this. Who knew it could happen in a matter of hours? Then again, I was new. Young vampires were different. Unpredictable.

Deeply, I inhaled the scent of the car around me, smiling at the flood of relief that followed. Everything smelled of Edward. Every seat. Every carpet. Every fiber on every fixture. Smooth, soothing content replaced the soreness in my chest. Maybe if I just sat here a while… no, Charlie would be watching. I couldn't let him come out here again. I had to leave now.

I twisted the key in the ignition and savored the feel as the car purred to life once more. Again I tried to imagine Edward was sitting there next to me, congratulating me on my seemingly unfeasible accomplishment. _I bet no newborn has ever done _thatI thought triumphantly as I steered the Volvo down the road, watching my old home disappear into the distance in the rear-view mirror.

I wasn't entirely sure if Edward would approve of what I'd just done, though. Was it right to keep in contact with humans from a life that no longer existed? As far as I was concerned Bella Swan was dead. Bella Cullen was all that existed now, living a new life. A better life. So, had it been wrong to lead Charlie on? _Should _I have seen him again? I supposed it didn't matter now. It had already been done. I would just have to talk to Edward later and figure out a way to repair whatever damage I'd done.

I had no real plan as to what I intended to do next. I needed to find Victoria…somehow. I needed to show her that I was ready to give up the chase, to stand and fight or die right now, in this moment. No more games. No more running and hiding behind whatever mythical creature I could find. I was one myself now, so I might as well act like it. I would face her like the vampire I was. No tricks. No body guards. Just her and me and a town full of people that I loved and needed to protect.

Finally, I decided there was really only one thing I could do. I drove to the nearest forest edge – I couldn't use the one behind Charlie's house since he would no doubt notice and demand to know what I was doing. It didn't take long. I drove just down the road a few minutes and parked on the shoulder before killing the engine and climbing out, dashing into the veil of trees as deeply as I could get before I was satisfied that no one but a resident vampire would hear me.

There I stopped, glancing around in every direction. What should have taken hours of hiking only took me a few minutes. I was completely walled by green on every side. Nothing but the trees, and me, and hopefully Victoria. The only sound was the gentle pitter-patter of rain on the leafy canopy overhead. I listened, blinking as a few drops splattered onto my face. Then I threw my arms in the air, tossing my head back in a wild cry of challenge, shattering the silence of the woods.

"COME AND GET ME!" I shouted so loudly I thought my lungs would burst inside of my stone chest. "IT'S ME! ISABELLA SWAN! YOU KNOW I'M THE ONE YOU WANT! I'M HERE!"

I waited, gauging the silence, trying to hear properly again over the pounding in my head. It wasn't my heartbeat. I knew that. But I'd like to think of it as an illusion of one. It was a mixture of adrenaline and venom, not to mention the throbbing of my outburst in the quiet.

I could swear I heard a twig snap. It was probably nothing. A human would have made more noise than that. Even the wind would have been louder. But I heard it. Then I smelled it. Vampire. It had to be. There was no other smell in the world like that. I wheeled around, sensing the presence behind me. I froze. There was a break in the green, a shattering of vibrancy that was only too noticeable amongst the too-constant color of the background. She stood not fifteen feet in front of me, looking as still as a stone statue.


	42. Chapter 42: Alice

**Chapter 42: Alice**

"Alice?!" The already unnatural size of my eyes doubled in astonishment and my breathing suddenly accelerated again in a wild, disbelieving gasp. "_Alice_?!" I flung myself at her, arms outstretched before the bone-chilling crack of rock against rock shattered the silence of the forest around us.

I could hear her own breathing in my ear, loud and frantic with abruptness of the moment. She hugged me tighter, refusing to let go just yet. I could understand her shock. But could she understand _mine_? Had she _any _idea about what I'd been through in the past month and a half? Did she know? How could she be _here, _in Forks, when Edward was oceans away in New Guinea, supposedly following her trail? It made no sense!

Still, feasibility didn't seem to matter as I crushed her against me, desperate for the comfort and familiarity that I had missed so much. So painfully much. All at once the most overpowering sense of déjà vu flooded my system instead of the tears I so desperately wished I could cry. I remembered this past spring. It had been in an ordeal not too unlike this that Alice and I had reunited for the first time. Only it had been her to return to Forks. Not me. And something else had changed as well.

"Bella?" I could hear the frenzied confusion in her own chiming voice, clueless, but simply ecstatic to see me. "_Bella, _is that really you?"

I had to laugh, still holding on to her. I'd expected a fight to the death and I'd gotten the sister I'd never had! I wanted to cry over the chuckles. I wanted to let the relief flood my eyes, blurring my vision the way my instincts were begging it to. Alice. Alice was here. _Alice. _My beloved friend, Alice! My mind could grasp the concept, but never quite managed to hold onto it well enough. Right here in front of me, holding onto me so tightly that she would have shattered my bones had I been human. I could feel the cool hardness of her skin. Hear her frazzled breath in my ear, her familiar, chiming voice echoing through the trees around us. It was all real! She was right here! And I never wanted to let her out of my sight again.

"Oh, Alice," I choked into her ear through a voice broken with emotion. "I never thought I'd see you again." I needed to cry. Needed to do _something_. But I could think of no gesture great enough.

"Oh, Bella, I know," she whispered in return, and I could hear the strain of internal tears in her own voice, overriding the chiming. I didn't like it. "I'm sorry. I've been so lost. So _blind_." She pulled away all too suddenly, shattering the closeness of our embrace as she held me at arm's length, her black eyes scrutinizing me. "Look at you!" She exclaimed suddenly, that more characteristic smile of hers splitting her pixie-like features.

I couldn't keep the grin off of my own face as I dropped my eyes to the ground, a little embarrassed but proud at the same time. "I know," I murmured in a voice barely above a whisper. It didn't occur to me then that she should have already known…

"I can't believe it." Her eyes flew over me a second time, starting at my shoes and then trailing all the way up to my face and finally coming to a rest on my eyes. She beamed. "Edward did it?"

I grinned, nodding. "Yup. And I couldn't be happier."

Alice grinned too. This time it nearly touched her ears. "Then I'm happy for you." She pulled me into another tight hug, this one slower and more relaxed, but just as meaningful. "Oh, Bella, it's so good to see you," she whispered, her voice breaking again. "The lot of you had me worried for while…"

This time it was me who pulled away, blinking back at her a little indignantly. "_We _had _you _worried?" I repeated, skeptical.

I knew if she were human she would have blushed, breaking contact with my gaze a little shamefully. "Okay, okay," she giggled lightly, sending my heart soaring with the relief it carried. "I know I must have frightened you –"

"That's an understatement."

" – but Bella, I _had _to run away!" The tone of her voice changed then, darkening. "They were going to kill me if I stayed."

I felt my eyes widen before I was aware of them doing so. I gaped. "_What_?!"

But she was already talking again, skidding off into a wild rant before I could stop her. "I tried to find you! Really, I did! They took my phone so I just came back here, thinking it was where you'd be, but I didn't really know where to look considering the house had burnt down and when I realized you weren't anywhere in Forks, I tried Denali. I thought you might be staying with Tanya and her family, but of course I got about half way there before those stupid mongrels caught up with me and I had to turn right around! They chased me all the way to New Guinea for crying out loud! Well, not _all _the way there, but I had to cover my tracks somehow, so I just got as far away as possible.

"You could have told me you'd started a war, Bella! I almost stopped them to ask if they'd seen you but then they just attacked! I guess I know why now." Her eyes fluttered over my new form again. "Anyway, after a little while overseas I rethought my strategy and came back when I was sure it was safe. I don't know where they are; I was just trying to track them down and pinpoint their whereabouts when you showed up –!"

I held up both hands, my mind suddenly reeling beyond recuperation with the frenzied confusion Alice's words brought. "Whoa, whoa, whoa," I stopped her abruptly, perplexed. "Rewind for a second, Alice...the Volturi were going to kill you?"

She stared at me for a long moment and finally nodded ever so slowly, seeming traumatized by the whole ordeal.

I raised an eyebrow, still unclear. "And you had no idea where to find us?"

Alice shook her head in sombre confirmation. I fell quiet then, blinking back at her in obvious uncertainly. The disconnection was almost palpable as I stared at her, thinking, wracking my brains for some form of logical explanation. At the moment her own explanation was not making a lot of sense. What did she mean, she had no idea? She _always _had an idea! How could she not know? How could she be so shocked at seeing me here? It was all exceedingly puzzling.

For a brief moment a sadness gripped me that I hadn't felt in a while. It was a feeling of helplessness. A feeling that I, uninformed, inexperienced Isabella Swan was actually the one in more control for once. That I had the upper hand. Alice was so...frazzled. I had never seen her so upset. Then again, it seemed a lot of factors had reversed themselves since the last time we'd reunited.

The last time it had been Alice who was the calm, composed one and I who was the blubbering idiot. Last time it was she who had returned to Forks as the strong, heroic vampire to save the day, not me. I didn't like the way things were unfolding this time. As happy as I was to see Alice again, to have her within safe reach again before me, I wished for a second time that she could be the one with the more wisdom. The more optimism. Like last time. That she could just return to me with an untangled, functioning mind and tell me how everything was going to be okay. How we were going to fix it. How she was going to help me. This time it was me who would have to perform such a feat.

I supposed though, that I must have stared, silent for far too a long a minute. She was speaking again before I got the chance to form a coherent question. "It's a long story," she murmured quietly, dropping her gaze to the forest floor.

I sighed heavily, glancing around at the thick veils of green as I did so. "I've got time...I think." My eyes scanned the trees, a shudder rippling up my spine at the notion that Alice may not have been the only one who'd heard my war cries. They must have carried for miles. It wouldn't take another resident vampire long at all to find me...

But as I stared and listened only silence emitted from the surrounding forest. It seemed that stillness was all it knew for the moment. Leaves trembled in the wind, sending a low hiss through the canopy above. I shivered again, although the coolness of the breeze didn't bother me in the least.

Only half satisfied with the security of our current position, I turned my eyes back on Alice's wise face, searching for a hint as to what to do next. But she merely stared at me, waiting, uncertain. Apparently it was I who would have to make the decisions for the time being.

"It's getting dark," I remarked after a minute, my eyes fluttering to the dimming canopy above us, "but it isn't like either of us has anywhere to be." I thought of Victoria ever so briefly and frowned. She could wait. I sat down in the soil of the forest floor. "Tell me everything."

The story was nothing short of horrifying to say the least. I tried to remain poker-faced while Alice explained every detail from her kidnapping prior to the fire to the moment she'd heard my challenges echoing through the trees around her only moments ago.

I listened, saying nothing, working to maintain control of my facial expressions. I didn't want to give anything away. Especially on our end of the line. It was clear she had no idea as to the events that had taken place with the rest of her family in Denali. I would have to inform her later... how much I planned to tell her was still in question.

It appeared the Volturi had knowledge of her talents of 'sight'. They'd taken every possible precaution to be certain she had no clue as to when and how they were going to strike. They hid it from her, keeping their intentions guarded, always undecided. She'd known about the fire, but by the time she'd truly caught wind as to what was going on it was too late. The powerful family ambushed her when her brother wasn't around. When he couldn't hear her cries for help and rush to her aid.

They'd kept her in a cell no less. This part was almost physically agonizing to hear. I couldn't imagine sweet, cheerful Alice locked up in a dungeon of sorts, imprisoned, miserable and in constant uncertainty as to the outcome of her own life. That was when her sight started to go. I hadn't been educated to this yet, but supposedly it could happen to vampires when they were exposed to stressful or emotionally draining situations. Their 'vampirisms' so to speak could sometimes dwindle, even disappear completely. I remembered the memory Rosalie had been kind enough to show me. _"It seems I am...out of practice," _Edward had said about his 'hearing'. It came back eventually of course, but only once the source of the stress had gone. Once they were certain they were comfortable and safe again. Not much unlike an animal residing in their natural habitat. A hen wouldn't lay an egg unless it was sure it was in no danger. A whale's dorsal fin never stood fully erect in domestication.

Alice had seen only one thing before she lost her talent completely. The Volturi had been careless with their intentions once they became confident enough that they'd succeeded. She rapidly became aware of the frightful knowledge that they never intended to hand her back over to her father.

That was where I stopped her for the first time. Shaking my head in disbelief, I managed to find my voice again. "But Carlisle said –"

"That the Volturi were honourable?" She finished for me. "That they wouldn't lie and would return me to my family as promised?"

Slowly, I nodded, understanding suddenly.

"Oh, they intended to return me alright," she responded somewhat bitterly. "In an urn."

My face twisted in a mask of frightful comprehension. "Oh, Alice," was all I could think of to say to that. Thank God she'd seen that. Thank God she'd run away. Thank God that hadn't happened. I didn't dare attempt to consider the repercussions such an event may have had on the Cullens.

Alice went on to explain that the fire hadn't been enough for the Volturi. They wanted to be certain the message had gotten across. As they had told all three of us in their chambers in Italy not too long ago, they weren't ones to give second chances. They intended on a death, and when Edward had successfully gotten his family out of the peril of the burning house, they altered their tactics a little. One of the Cullens was going to die, one way or another.

All too suddenly I hated the Volturi that much more. The vampire world truly did need an upgrade as far as royal families went. They were ruled by tyrants! Certainly, they worked at keeping the existence of their species a global mystery, but it seemed that was the extent of their concerns. They could care less about the emotions of others like themselves.

That was when Alice had managed to escape. Her cell had been lined and then reinforced multiple times with layer-strengthened steel no less, but she'd calculated a way out ages ago, within the first few minutes they'd locked her up. I had to give her credit for this. Even blind Alice wasn't slow. I could recall thinking that once before, and was only more so convinced of the reality of it now.

But Alice had chosen to ignore the escape route for the time being. She decided to wait until she was certain of the outcome of her kidnapping. After all, there was no point in worrying her family further if this family simply intended on handing her back over unharmed anyway. She waited until she _was _sure. Sure that she would be dead before her family had any idea of her standings. And then she ran.

I knew the rest from there. She made it back to Forks and quickly came to the conclusion that we must be in Denali. The unfathomable reason didn't entirely matter to her at the time. She simply had to find us. Of course though, Jake's pack had come across her trail before she got halfway to Alaska. Again, I thanked God she was swifter of both body and mind than they were. Again she'd escaped.

New Guinea was where she'd ended up and only when she knew she could make it home safely did she return with the intention of finding and destroying the Quileute wolf pack. She had been convinced for a time that they'd already killed us all, leaving her as the sole survivor. If that were the case she wasn't going to leave any one of them untortured, unpunished. I couldn't say I blamed her. Despite my often overbearing ethics I couldn't deny that I would have done the same.

When she had finished Alice rocked back on her tailbone to rest against the brace of her hands in the dirt on either side of her, reminding me a bit more of her old self with the impossibly calm smile that crossed her lovely features then. "You're turn," she sighed, seeming a little more content now that she had found someone to explain herself to.

But I merely blinked twice, puzzled. "Huh?"

Alice laughed, a light, elated sound that reminded me of wind chimes as I looked at her in the firelight, the golden glow of the flames dancing off of the surface of her ivory skin. We didn't necessarily _need _a campfire, we could both see clearly enough as it was and we weren't bothered by the cold, but it was nice to have something natural about our reunion. We didn't think it would seem quite conventional enough to sit side by side in the dark on the chilled hardness of the ground. Not that our family was ever really _conventional _before…

I only hoped nothing else in these woods picked up on the glow of the fire. I knew it would attract the attention of any living creature with senses sharp enough to smell the smoke and charring wood. I took the chance, deciding that if anything were after us, it would have found us by now.

"I told you my story," Alice reminded me lightly, the content smile still not leaving her face. "Now you tell me yours. I want to know everything." Her eyes touched upon my freshly enhanced features again. "Every little detail."

I sighed, shaking my head somewhat reluctantly at this. I wasn't ready to tell her everything just yet. "Wait," I held up one hand purposefully, my expression suddenly thoughtful as I backtracked. "So…you didn't see…anything?" I paused, suddenly praying she'd seen _something. _Just one bit in particular. One thing I wouldn't have to bear the burden of telling her. "You have no idea what happened? About anything?" This was uncharacteristic of Alice, I knew that. She had already explained herself so many times I felt a little guilty about asking again, but it had to be confirmed before the conversational window of opportunity closed on me.

To my profound disappointment, she shook her head and shrugged, her expression still buoyant with heart-breaking cheer. "Bits and pieces here and there," she confessed a little carelessly, as though none of that mattered now. "But nothing of consequence. I didn't even know about your change until I saw you." She gestured to me with one hand, her Cheshire-cat-grin growing a little.

But my reaction was uncorresponding with her own. My face fell.

There was a brief silence as Alice gauged my expression. Then her voice darkened a little. "Why?" She inquired suddenly, her smile fading a little more as the alarm set in.

I was silent for a longer moment now, debating. What was I going to do? I couldn't tell her. Not now. Not here. Should I wait for the others? Edward and Carlisle would be back soon enough, no doubt, having found nothing and then maybe we could all tell her together. That certainly made more sense, but no, she'd figure it out. The second we all sat her down with the exception of one presence she would know. I couldn't let her find out like that. She had to know now.

I took a deep breath. This wasn't going to be easy.

But again, Alice spoke before I got the chance. "Where's Edward?" She asked abruptly, the alarm in her voice growing a little more potent as she recognized the abnormality of me alone.

Hastily, I shook my head, not wanting her to worry any more than she had to. "He's fine," I informed her quickly. "He's in New Guinea. With Carlisle."

Now a bit of an embarrassed smile broke Alice's features again and she laughed quietly to herself. "Oh."

"I guess they'll be back soon once they realize you're not there," I explained, pausing again then for a moment as I collected my thoughts. "They thought they should go and look for you," I went on slowly. "We were getting pretty worried. Carlisle got in touch with the Volturi and they told him you'd escaped. They didn't tell us anything else of course," I added with a purposeful raise of my eyebrows, "but that at least they let us know. Oh, Alice, Jasper's been so worried about you." I turned my eyes on her suddenly, my expression softening with the sorrow of the memory. "He'll be so happy when he finds out you're alright."

She nodded, sinking her gaze into the firelight. "Poor man," she remarked quietly to herself. "I've really missed him too, you know. I can't wait to see him again…then everything can just go back to the way it was." She sighed, and the breath was heavy with relief. Relief that wouldn't last long.

I closed my eyes momentarily, pained by her uninformed assumption. But all I could say was, "Yeah." I wasn't ready to do this. Not yet. There was no way I could possibly shatter her delightful enthusiasm when it was so fresh. And so _refreshing_. So I went on to discuss lighter topics. "The others are back in Denali…with Tanya." – I didn't mention her reason for being there when the rest of her family was in Africa – "I just came back to Forks to check on Charlie." I laughed darkly to myself. "That was _much _less fun than I imagined it being…he was so mad…" I shook my head and Alice stiffened suddenly, staring at me through horrified eyes.

"What?"

For a long moment she didn't blink. "Bella…" she muttered in a voice barely audible in the darkness, "you…actually saw…Charlie?"

I laughed again and shrugged, not understanding her astonishment. "Yeah, so? What's the big deal?"

She laughed too then, but it was in one, loud breath, a little hysterical with meaning. "_What's the big deal_?" She quoted, indignant.

But I laughed more lightly now, understanding and shaking my head quickly. "Don't worry, Alice. I didn't kill him."

Now her already huge eyes doubled in size, making me laugh harder. "But…_how_?" She demanded suddenly, her normally soft voice turning hard with disbelief.

I could only shrug, grinning somewhat proudly at her reaction. "I…I guess it was mostly a miracle," I reasoned more with myself than her. "I just…" I shrugged a second time, too modest. "I just focused on how much I loved Charlie and…it came pretty easily after that. I told him I wanted him to walk me down the aisle at the wedding – that'll be the last time I see him though," I had to add quickly, for her own peace of mind if nothing else.

But Alice looked anything but peaceful as she looked at me. Finally though, she seemed to calm down a little as she returned her eyes to the campfire. "Wow," she muttered in an airy voice. "I never thought a vampire of your age could have that much control…"

I shrugged a third time, helpless to the matter. "Neither did I," I laughed earnestly. "To be honest I didn't really think it through when I decided to come. If I had I know I never would have done it. I just heard about the attacks on the news and –" Alice stopped me there, shock coloring her tone all over again.

"Attacks?!" She exclaimed suddenly, her bright voice leaping up an octave.

I winced. Of course. There was so much Alice didn't know. I quickly explained about Victoria, informing Alice of my seek-and-destroy quest. "I know she's doing it because of me," I told her quietly, my voice darkening as I thought about it. "She's using innocent people to get to me. She knows my biggest weakness – guilt," I answered the unasked question. "She knows I won't be able to stay away as long as I'm aware of the fact that it's because of me these people are dying – she'll just keep doing it until she gets what she wants." I stopped there, my eyes flicking briefly away from the fire to Alice's face, gauging her reaction. But to my relief, she was calm, listening with a composed intentness that only she could pull off poker-faced.

I sighed. "You need to know that it's me she's after, Alice." My eyes went to the dark trees that surrounded us, wondering suddenly which one Victoria might be lurking behind, waiting to strike. "She's out here somewhere, possibly in these woods. If she finds me –"

"Don't worry," Alice was already shaking her perfect head, coming through for me truly and completely as I knew she would. Still, I couldn't let her put herself in danger too.

I tried to protest. "But –"

"_If _she finds us," she cut me off again, a reassuring smile touching her lips suddenly, "I promise you have nothing to worry about. She'll be no match for the two of us. You alone could take her, I'm sure…I won't let anything happen to you Bella. I promise."

I frowned. "That's exactly what I'm afraid of!" I protested suddenly, confusing her. After what had happened in Denali with the Quileutes – I shuddered – I couldn't let anyone take anymore chances for me. No more lives would be lost protecting someone who didn't matter. I would do this on my own or not at all.

"Alice, I don't want you to get hurt too," I explained hastily, my voice breaking a little at the agonizing memory that ripped through me then.

Comprehension brightened her features again and her smile grew. She shook her head. "Bella, nothing _will _happen to me," she promised briefly. "Trust me. Two against one – a _newborn _being one of the two – is an unquestionable victory. No one will get hurt. I promise." She must have seen the look of terrified cynicism on my face then, for she reached out with one arm, drawing me against her side in one graceful motion. She rested her cheek against the top of my head and I found myself closing my eyes, sinking into the comfort her voice brought. "Okay?"

Slowly, I nodded, suddenly feeling like a small child who'd just been convinced that there was, in fact, no monster living under their bed. "Okay," I replied in the smallest of voices, resting my head against her shoulder, no longer caring that it felt like leaning against hard granite. I'd missed her so much.

Seeming to sense the flood of relief her words carried, Alice continued. "Everything's going to be alright, you'll see," she crooned, her left hand rubbing the length of my upper arm on the opposite side of my body from her, squeezing my shoulder meaningfully.

I groaned audibly at this, turning my face into her shirt where I buried it, breathing in the sweet, icy fragrance that I had never forgotten. It was better than the most expensive perfume. And I'd missed it dearly. There, sitting in front of the fire with Alice, somehow it really _did _seem like everything was going to be alright. It was the first sensation of such meaning that I'd had in…longer than I could remember. It shocked me that I couldn't recall what it felt like to be _okay. _To be sure that everything was going to be just fine. With Alice I did. No matter what she knew or didn't know, she was right when she said it was going to be okay. I remembered Esme saying that. Despite everything that had happened, she had been right too.

Alice and I were together, weren't we? I would be seeing Edward again soon and he and I would get married, just as we planned. Alice would be my maid of honor and Charlie would walk me down the aisle. I decided then that Carlisle would officiate. I wanted him too. It wouldn't be perfect any other way. This really was the beginning of _fine. _There was just one more thing I had to do before the revolution could be clean.

I sat up, looking Alice in the eye once more. "Alice…" I tried to start, but faltered a little. I tried again. "There's something you need to know."

She stared at me, waiting, unsuspecting. I felt like a murderer. Like Victoria. Stalking her innocent, undeserving prey and then striking before they had known what had hit them. I couldn't do this to Alice. Not sweet, loving, happy Alice. But then, the more rational part of my brain argued that she had to know. I certainly didn't want her to find out some other way. It was better to be done now, in front of the fire, while she was still feeling so optimistic. Just the two of us. A sister-to-sister talk. She had to know. And better that she heard it from me.


	43. Chapter 43: Reconciliation

**Chapter 43: Reconciliation**

"We can't stay here." I chickened out. I couldn't do this to her. "We have to find a phone. To let Jasper know you're safe if nothing else."

Alice cocked her immaculate head to one side curiously. "You didn't bring a cell phone?" She wondered aloud, seeming a little perplexed by this.

I shook my head, lowering my gaze to the ground somewhat sheepishly. "I…left in a bit of a hurry."

I heard her sigh. "I can imagine," she breathed quietly, her dark eyes on the fire again.

I looked at her a little indignantly.

"Oh, come on, Bella," Alice chimed suddenly when she caught sight of my offended expression. "I know what you're like when you're afraid for someone you love. You don't think. You just do. Nothing gets in your way."

I stared at her for a long moment and finally nodded, not bothering to argue. "Fair enough," I murmured as I turned my eyes away again. She was right of course. I never thought things through properly the way I should before I acted on something I thought was important.

"It can be a good thing, though," Alice added quickly before I could get my feelings hurt. "Too often people lose hope and even their lives just because someone thought too much to act in time. You know what's important and you don't second guess it. You do what you know is right and nothing less."

I looked at her in the firelight for a long moment then, a miniscule smile finding its way onto my features as I considered her words. Oh, how I _had _missed Alice… "Thank you," I whispered after a long moment, nodding.

Of course, she merely shrugged, missing the meaning in my words as she lay back on the hardened ground of the forest, cushioning the back of her head in her hands. I had to smile a little wider at this. She really had no idea. No idea what I'd – what we'd _all _– been through without her and what we needed. We needed her courage. Her wisdom. Her optimism. I hadn't forgotten her optimism. It was enough to lift the most heavy, dampened of spirits such as our own. Alice's cheer never failed to aid the down-trodden.

I tried not to think of Esme. As much as it pained me to consider, we needed her too. Probably more than she ever thought we would. I wasn't going to tell Alice her mother wasn't coming back on my own. I would wait for Carlisle. He would know what to do. What to say. He had to. He always did. This wasn't my news to give. After considering it for a long moment I decided there was no better reporter than Alice's own father. And I would wait for him. As broken as he'd seemed the last time I'd seen him, I had also been certain he'd been coming back. Slowly. But he had been. I had faith in him. He wouldn't abandon his family when they needed him most. Not now. Not ever.

"Well," Alice sighed after a long moment, unknowingly tearing me away from my musings, "I don't know where we could possibly find a phone tonight. Did you fly here?"

I had to smile as I shook my head. Of course I hadn't flown here. I had substantial self-control, but not _that _much self control. "I took Edward's car."

"Oh."

It was only then that it occurred to me that I'd successfully _stolen _the Volvo… Edward would forgive me, I decided after a long moment. I could apologize and probably would, but it wouldn't make much difference. Edward probably wouldn't care if I had _totaled _the Volvo.

"Well, I suppose we could head back tonight then, if you wanted." Again, Alice interrupted my thoughts with a casual sigh. But I quickly shook my head.

"Sorry, Alice," I told her darkly with a sympathetic raise of my eyebrows. "I know you want to see Jasper and everyone's probably very worried, but I came here to get something done. I can't just leave. Not yet. Victoria's still searching for me and if she doesn't find me soon…well, it could be Charlie's neck." It hurt to say it out loud, but it was the truth. After a long moment I felt it necessary to at least offer Alice what I owed her. This wasn't her problem, after all.

"You can take the car back if you want," I muttered, reaching into the back pocket of my jeans before tossing her Edward's car keys. "I'll take care of Victoria myself. You shouldn't have to get involved too anyway." I nodded in the direction of the road. "You go and see Jasper," I suggested quietly. "I'll find another way back to Denali. I'll run if I have to." I shot her the most genuine smile I could muster, although I knew she saw right through it. As much as I wanted to save her and everyone else the trouble, I secretly prayed that she would stay with me. I had missed her so much and could really use the kind of support that only she could give right about now. Besides, if she left now, a part of me – a bit of an unreasonable part perhaps – was concerned that she might never make it back to Denali. What if she got lost along the way again somehow? What if we never saw her again? It was a stupid fear, but a fear none the less. We'd already lost her once. I wasn't about to let her out of my sight a second time. But I would if that was what she wanted…

Alice stared at the keys in her hands for the briefest of moments, deliberating. Before two seconds had passed however, she tossed them back to me. "Make it quick," she told me good-naturedly as she lay back onto her hands again in the dirt. "I don't want the others to think we've both gone missing."

I smiled a little but I knew it didn't reach my eyes. _Honestly I don't think it would have much of an effect, _I found myself musing as I inched closer to her. We had all lost so much already, been torn so many different ways that they probably wouldn't even notice if I left too. But then, there was a part of me that refused to believe that. We were a family. Nothing ever _really _could tear us apart.

Reaching her side in the dim glow of the campfire, I leaned my head against Alice's shoulder and closed my eyes ever so slowly. For the thousandth time I wished I could sleep. I was beginning to understand why vampires always looked so tired.

I felt her hard arm encircle my shoulders and sank into the touch. Lying down fully now next to her. Alice. Dear Alice. How had we ever gotten along without her? I was never going to let her out of my sight again.

The night passed somewhat dismally after that. Neither of us said a word more, waiting, listening to the night sounds of the forest around us. We wondered which shift of motion in the darkness just beyond range of our keen vision could be Victoria. Which new smell or irrational sense that we were being watched could be our last. At least I knew that was what she was doing. Her eyes flicked through the darkness somewhat aimlessly, searching for any sign that we were about to be sprung upon.

I on the other hand, lay with my eyes closed, my temple resting against her collarbone while her arm held me against her, half comforting me, half protecting me. I was certain she was unaware of the fact that I wasn't watching. I was thinking instead. Pretending to dream. Pretending only to myself, but still pretending. It made me feel…human again. I tried to imagine what type of dream I might have tonight if I could. It didn't take much consideration to decide. I knew who I would dream of.

I thought of Esme that day in the field, all those many months ago, more than a year ago, almost two now. The memory was so vivid; I could almost see it behind my lids. It seemed my own mind had been affected by 'the gift' as well. _"You don't play with them?" "No, I prefer to referee – I like keeping them honest." "Do they like to cheat then?" "Oh yes – you should hear the arguments they get into! Actually, I hope you don't, you would think they were raised by a pack of wolves." _I smiled minutely to myself in Alice's arms, recalling the conversation well. _"You sound like my mom," _I had laughed then. _"Well, I do think of them as my children in most ways. I never could get over my mothering instincts – did Edward tell you I had lost a child?" "No." "Yes, my first and only baby. He died just a few days after he was born, the poor tiny thing. It broke my heart – that's why I jumped off the cliff, you know." "Edward said you f-fell." _She had smiled then. _"Always the gentleman."_

I remembered her the night Edward had evacuated me from Forks, intending to carry me to safer harbors in Phoenix with his brother and sister. I remembered the way she had so purposefully carried me up the stairs to her room, trading clothes with me so quickly I hadn't had time to stop her.

_"What are we doing?" _I could recall demanding as she bustled me into a dark room. _"Trying to confuse the smell," _she had answered._ "It won't work for long, but it might help get you out." _I'd heard her clothes hit the floor as she stripped them off before helping me with the extermination of my own shirt. I'd done my jeans myself. I sighed, remembering it easily. She had barely known me then and yet she'd done everything in her power to protect me, even led the smaller party of opposing vampires off on her own trail, baiting it as mine, putting herself in harm's way yet again to be certain I was safe.

I remembered the night she'd met Edward, Alice and I at the airport in Seattle, hugging me with such a ferocity that I nearly felt her pain of worrying as my own. _"Thank you so much," _she'd whispered in my ear as I handed her son back to her, safe and sound within the grasp of his family again. I remembered the way she looked when she'd taken Edward into her arms, an expression of such angry relief on her beautiful features that I knew how truly concerned she must have been. It was the look of a mother. _"You will _never _put me through that again," _she'd growled. Edward had smiled. _"Sorry, Mom." _And he seemed to have meant it. Carlisle had spoken next. _"Thank you, Bella. We owe you." "Hardly." _Then Esme's sweet voice, _"She's dead on her feet. Let's get her home."_

I wished I could hear her say that just one more time. I wished I could have her back. I wished poor, dear Alice didn't have to find out that her mother was never coming back. It seemed so cruel. Carlisle needed his wife. Edward needed his mother. It still didn't seem fair that she had to be the one to go. She didn't deserve it. She had only ever been kind to anyone who crossed her path. I knew then what had to be done about it. No more killing, that much was obvious. It had never really solved anything, now had it? But something _did _have to be done. And I would see to it as long as I was here.

Neither Alice nor I had moved when the sun rose over the line of the horizon the next morning, brightening the tree canopy over us considerably as the fire simmered and eventually died on the rain-soaked wood. It was still overcast, I knew that. It would rain again today. Not unlike any other day. But the light was different. I knew it must be morning.

Alice and I left the campsite. It was clear that she intended to head back toward the car but I only dragged her further into the woods, forcing her to call the danger to us as we went. Cupping my hands around my mouth, I shouted into the trees I walked before listening to any form of a response. "VICTORIA!"

Alice watched me for a little while, horrified, but eventually she'd joined in, understanding that unless we dealt with the danger face-to-face, we were never going home. For a while she'd tried to shush me, doing her best to convince me that we could simply track her and ambush her, but once we'd factored in the knowledge that her ears were probably better than our tracking skills, we chose an alternate tactic, screaming her name through the forest so loudly that every creature within a five-mile radius would hear. "VICTORIA!"

Unfortunately it seemed I was more wrapped up in the search than where it was taking us. All too suddenly, Alice's hand clamped over my mouth and dragged me back from the edge of the tree line. I hadn't even noticed we'd reached the end mark of the woods.

I struggled and wrenched my face out of the cover of her palm. "_What_?" I demanded with abruptness that equaled her own.

Rolling her eyes in obvious exasperation at my stupidity, she nodded in the direction of the clearing, widening her eyes purposefully. I turned my gaze on the land beyond the forest. Didn't I recognize this part of the woods? I was sure I did. I'd been here before…with…

"Jake?" I muttered as I stared, gaping out from between the trees. We had somehow reached the woods behind his house. It was the same forest, I knew, but apparently we'd come quite far in an impossibly short period of time. But then, I hadn't exactly been keeping track of the time. Alice hadn't noticed that we'd crossed the boundary? Not that the 'boundary' even existed anymore. What was it going to hurt if he broke another rule? I supposed that must have been her reasoning for it.

I could see his massive form behind the darkened pane of the kitchen window, bustling. He looked as though he might be on the phone. I felt myself wrinkle my forehead in puzzlement. "He's home?" But then, where else had I expected to find him? Why wouldn't he be _home_?

Perfect, I concluded with heavy satisfaction. This would make it exceptionally easier to accomplish what I'd intended to do about all this. I took a large, confident stride in the direction of the house.

"What the hell are you doing?" Alice demanded in a harsh whisper, dragging me back again into the shadow of the trees.

I didn't look at her as I shook off her grasp. "Fixing this," I answered simply before taking another determined step. She stopped me a second time and I growled audibly, frustrated.

"Fixing _what_?" She demanded, clearly upset by my rash actions. "Bella, you can't stop a war all on your own! He'll tear you to shreds the second you show up on his doorstep! You're handing yourself over at the mercy of your enemy!"

"Jake is _not _my enemy." I swallowed hard, astonished by my own response. Had I really just said that? I rephrased hastily, before Alice could completely fly off the handle. "At least he doesn't have to be," I corrected discreetly. "I want this to stop. Everything. All the fighting. Not just over me, over anything. Forever."

"Bella, that's not –"

"I trust you, Alice." I cut her off. "If I go up to him now…_will _he kill me?" I stared her down. It wasn't easy, but I quickly reminded myself that I was now as intimidating as she. I could win this.

I smiled a tiny victory to myself as she was silent for a long moment, thinking, looking ahead. Finally though, she shook her head, hastily regrouping before I could satisfy myself with the answer. "No," she told me swiftly, speaking so fast that only another vampire would have been able to understand her, "but Bella, my vision isn't what it used –"

"I trust you."

"I could be wrong!"

"You're not." For the last time I shook off her hold and strode for the house. Jacob Black's house. She followed, although reluctantly. I could tell merely by the way she moved that she intended to flee if need be. Although I could recall once learning about an instinctive reaction that was built into all living creatures from the moment of birth. _Fight or flight, _it was called. When backed into a corner, any creature – human or otherwise – would either flee or defend itself against the attacker. It was difficult to discern what the outcome might be here.

She tried to convince me on the way up to the door, scrambling behind me like a frightened but loyal golden retriever. "Bella, what if he's not alone?" She demanded in a trembling voice. "The rest of the pack could be out here somewhere already, tracking us, _watching _us even now. The two of us can take one vampire, but a pack of werewolves…_please,_ let's just turn around now."

I didn't. _Was _I crazy? Was it better to turn around and walk away before he caught wind of us? Had he already? It was quite possible. I remembered Jacob's stiffened posture when he'd caught Alice's scent on the wind all those months ago, at the end of that painful time I'd spent away from Edward. Away from the Cullens. Jacob had taken me home and she had been there. He'd known it before we'd even reached the house. Would he recognize my scent? Or would he simply go on the attack, knowing it was a vampire, no more or less? I couldn't be sure. Even as I marched up the steps and rapped firmly on his front door, I couldn't be sure.

The only thing I _was _sure of was that this needed to be stopped – one way or another. I still hated Jake with an immortal passion for what he'd done to our family. For what _his _family did to mine, but I refused to let this escalate into another feud that would last us for centuries, an eye for an eye, killing back and forth until no survivors were left. No. I wasn't going to let that happen. One innocent fatality was more than enough.

I pounded on the door with my fist for the second time when I didn't receive an answer. "Jake!" I called into the house, desperate for acknowledgement now. "Jake, it's me. Open up."

For a long moment there was no movement from inside the house. Alice turned me again then. "Come on, Bella," she urged somewhat desperately. "Let's just go, please?"

"Not yet. Jake, come on. I don't want any trouble, I just want to talk. Please?"

There was a lengthy silence again, only stillness emanating from inside the house. Finally though, there was a responding voice. "Bella?" It's throaty tone confirmed, wary.

I rolled my eyes. "No, it's the Tinman! Come on! I don't have all day!" I suppressed the urge to smile. It reminded me of the innocent teasings we used to give each other in Edward's absence, back when I was human and everything was simpler. But I couldn't think of that now. My face hardened again. I remembered why I was here.

There was another lengthy silence. I knew how he must be laboring to calm himself, to keep from exploding. "Are you alone?" I heard him ask finally.

I glanced warily at Alice, uncertain as to whether or not it would be better to lie. Finally though, I decided against it. "No," I called truthfully through the door. "Alice is here too, but that's it. We just want to talk."

Another pause. Then, "I think you should leave." This stung. I couldn't say I blamed him, of course. After everything that had happened, how _could _he trust me? He knew what he had done. He knew how the rest of the Cullens must have craved revenge for it. What he didn't know was what lengths they would go to to get it. Would they use me as bait? It was possible. I could only pray he wouldn't over think it that much. He must know by now that I was more honorable than he. He could trust me – as much as he didn't deserve it.

I sighed. I would have to alter my strategy a little. "If you'd rather I could break down the door." I knew just a little over a month ago he would have laughed at that to the point of hysterics. Now he didn't. I heard the doorknob turn, ever so slowly. Finally it clicked and I recognized his dark, deep-set features as they peeked through the microscopic crack his hold allowed.

I waved, thoughtful as to what to say next. "Is Billy here?" The question was pointless, but I'd hoped it might gain his trust another inch or so. But his answer was quick, not at all considered.

"No."

"Can we come in?"

"No."

I sighed heavily, frustrated as I rolled my eyes in an almost ridiculous dramatization. "Look, Jake," my voice escalated a little in volume. "You're the one that attacked _us_. Even if I _wanted _to kill you, you'd deserve it. But I don't. Don't you think you owe me at least a civil conversation?"

I was vaguely aware of Alice's eyes on me, horrified. "They attacked you?" She demanded, suddenly turning her full attention back on me. Of course. I'd forgotten – well, more like deliberately avoided – the task of mentioning the wolves' little midnight invasion in Denali. She didn't need to know about that yet.

Jacob's expression – from what I could see of it – was smug as he watched us through the crack in the door. "Ah," he breathed a little too proudly, "so the sister-leech doesn't know yet. Perhaps I should fill her in…"

"Alice, would you leave us alone for a moment?" My question was quick and hard, my eyes never leaving Jacob's face. But Alice's response was nothing short of what I would have expected.

"No!" She squealed, resentful of the notion.

Suddenly my eyes flashed to her face then, black with intensity. "Alice," I growled, my voice demanding. I didn't know what I was going to do if she refused. I didn't even much like the idea of her leaving at the moment, but I didn't know what else to do. There was no way Jacob was going to have a straight-forward conversation with me otherwise.

"Bella, I won't!" She protested, determined that this was as far as she was going to let me go with this idiocy.

My eyes smoldered as I looked at her, my expression suddenly turning pleading. I didn't have to say anymore. She nodded once, stiffly, mechanically. "Fine," she caved finally, turning her eyes on Jacob's face then for a long moment. She pointed a meaningful finger in it. "I'm going to be right out here," she informed him purposefully. "I won't leave until she comes out safe and sound. Got it?"

He didn't answer, but his gestures spoke for him. He opened the door only a little wider and it was only then that I could see the trembling so vividly under the skin of his hands and arms. He left just enough room for me to get through, and then he slammed the door in Alice's disgusted face.

I stood in the dim light of the kitchen for a long moment, watching his motions carefully as he strode away from me, coming to a rest against the wall at the opposite end of the room. I stifled the urge to wrinkle my nose or make a face. Werewolves truly did _stink_. Silence floated between us as I stared him down, neither of us breaking gazes. I knew what he wanted. More than anything he wanted to kill me in that moment. But he couldn't. Something was stopping him. Memories. I saw them all as they flickered through his mind. My happy, _human _face smiling, laughing. The two of us in the Rabbit, talking things over. Life. Love. The works. Him teaching me how to ride a motorcycle, hauling me up to my feet again after I hacked up my forehead on the forest floor… Everything we had ever done together, he was thinking of now. It was stopping him from obeying whatever Sam had ordered him to do should he come across one of us.

After another lengthy moment, I sighed, shaking my head. "I know what you're thinking, Jacob," – no need to tell him _how _– "but things aren't like that anymore. What's happened, it's changed everything –"

"You're damn right, it's changed everything!" Jacob bellowed suddenly, startling me. The shaking grew more defined across him arms. "I had you, Bella! I loved you and then he took you away from me! Now I've lost you forever! You're not Bella to me anymore! You're…someone else. Some_thing _else entirely…you've…" unexpectedly, his voice broke. "You've changed."

Suddenly though, for reasons even I couldn't have fathomed, I went on the defense. I'd come with peaceful intentions but after the smarting his words brought, it seemed I couldn't follow through with them. "Maybe, I haven't, Jake!" I screeched in brisk response. "Maybe if you just gave it a chance and looked instead of closing your eyes on it, you'd see that I'm exactly the same as I always was! Nothing's changed about _me, _Jacob. Don't you see? This idiotic prejudice has blinded you all!"

He was silent for a long moment, defiance etched across his pained features as he looked at me, refusing to look away. I crossed my arms across my chest abruptly, feeling like an offended five-year-old all of a sudden. I forced myself to take a deep breath, wanting to be calm before I proceeded.

"How's Jared?" I asked when I had finally recomposed myself enough to start over, a little more civilly this time.

But his gaze was hard as he looked at me then, not at all holding the intention of civility. "What do you care?" He retorted, too sharply for my liking.

I cringed, my expression softening ever so slightly. "I do care," I sighed after a moment. "You know that." I was being overly sensitive, I knew that. He didn't deserve my care. He didn't deserve anything. But he got it. I needed to gain his trust in the very least before I asked a favor of him.

Jacob was silent for the longest time, deliberating. The expression on his features was set, refusing to cave in even the slightest of mannerisms, but he answered. "He's fine," he told me shortly before falling back into the so worshiped silence.

I nodded, satisfied. "Good."

Tension tightened in the air then. For the longest of seconds neither of us spoke. Jacob was the one to break the silence, clearly tired of it. "Bella, why are you here?" He asked finally, the timbre in his voice defeated.

I sighed. I had to come clean this time or he would throw me out for sure. I'd run out of time. "Jacob, what you've done, it's…unforgivable." I looked at him, deliberately allowing the pain behind my eyes to show through for once. He stared at me blankly. "You _do _know what you've done," I confirmed a little uncertainly, "don't you?"

He shrugged those massive shoulders, causing a convulsion of fury to pass through me with the casualness at which he addressed the matter. "Someone died, Bella," he replied coolly. "It's a war. It _is _going to happen." He slowed down the last statement to an almost offensive level, seeming to imply that judging by my actions up to this point, I was far too slow to understand the meaning of it.

I scowled, suppressing the fury. _No matter what he says, _I had to reason with myself, _I have to remain calm. _It was the only way I was ever going to get through to him. Fighting fire with fire wasn't going to help anyone. "Not just someone, Jake," I countered evenly. Then I forced her name across my lips, visibly wincing as the agony of it wracked my slender frame. I lowered my voice as to ensure that there was no chance of even Alice hearing. "Esme." I paused, searching his face for a reaction. We had to talk about this. "Does that name mean anything to you?"

For a long moment his face was blank and I suppressed yet more rage. How was it that I had come to hate him this much? It never really occurred to me until I saw him, but it was there. Sheer, volatile despise. I held it for him far too easily. After everything we'd been through, after everything he'd done _for _me, not _to _me, how could I hate him so much? But then, I supposed it wasn't that difficult to decide how. I just hadn't realized it was possible before now.

Hadn't Jake been the one who'd taken care of me through all those long months without Edward? Hadn't he been my safe harbor? The one I'd gone to when I felt as though I was going to pieces? The one I trusted most? But then, I knew where my loyalties lay. And they weren't with him anymore. It was his decision now, but I was remaining on the side I was already on. Whether he made the choice to join me or not was his own.

Jacob seemed to seriously consider my question for a long moment, his expression thoughtful in the dim light of the kitchen. "Esme, Esme…" he murmured, thinking. I wished he would figure it out a little quicker. Each time he spoke her name a violent shudder of despair coursed through me. "Oh," he said finally, seeming to come to a valid conclusion. "Yeah, she was the mamma bloodsucker, wasn't she?"

I shook my head, looking abruptly away. "Don't call her that."

He raised one thick eyebrow. "Is leech a better word?"

"Jacob, please," it came out in an anguished whisper, just barely audible in the silence of his house. For a long moment the only sound was the steady tick-tick of the clock on the wall. I took a deep breath and pressed on. "You don't get it, do you?" My voice was strained as I spoke.

But again, he merely blinked back at me a little stupidly, not quite understanding. Or if he was he was skilled at hiding it. He waited to hear me explain it myself. So I did.

"She was Carlisle's _wife,_" I emphasized the word, praying that it might strike a chord in Jacob as he listened. "Edward's _mother_." I shook my head, trying to control the trembling in my voice. "She took care of us. She never wanted to fight. She was so…_loving_ and –" I caught the cynical scowl on Jacob's features and chose to ignore it. I knew what he was thinking. He was wondering how a 'leech' could ever be capable of such emotions. I stopped. "How can I make you understand?" I asked aloud, directing the question more at myself than him.

Finally, I had the answer. "Think of Emily." I watched as something changed in his expression, some subtle spark of life – although he struggled to hide it – brightening at my words. "See," I breathed, triumphant. "We're not that different. We have families. Friends. Just because we've been separated my generations of hatred doesn't mean one side is good and one is evil. We're exactly the _same_, Jacob." I slowed my words down, hoping to finally get through to him. "All of you love Emily. All of _us _loved _Esme_. She was protecting us when you killed her. She just wanted to get us out safely…" All at once my voice was cracking again through the emotion. One hand flew to my eyes, covering them as I lost the ability to speak.

I half-expected Jacob to come to me then, wrapping his huge, warm arms around my shoulders the way he used to and consoling me in any way he knew how. But I was wrong. The second I broke down he surprised me by going on the offense, still not moving from his corner of the kitchen.

"Well, what do you want me to say, Bella?" He demanded, his voice thundering through the house in a throaty growl as the trembling grew dangerously worse. I wondered how long it would be before he phased and tore me to shreds. I wondered what I would do if he did…

"Do you want me to say I'm sorry? Is that it? Is that all you came for? An apology?" His arms were flailing aimlessly above his head as he questioned me, his voice still at a startling volume as I prayed for even a glaze of tears. "I told you, already, Bella! It's a war for God's sake! What did you expect?"

My eyes snapped open and I took one massive step toward him suddenly, my face blazing with the heat of the argument. "How could you?!" I exclaimed in a high, furious voice, only half-realizing that I was no longer making any sense. "How could you, Jake? We were friends! Why couldn't you just let it go? Why couldn't you just back off when you were supposed to? What if it had been me that night in Alaska, huh? How far would you have taken it then? If you had cornered me instead of her, or I had gotten in the way the way she had, would you have killed me? Do you really hate me that much now?"

His eyes were closed. He seemed to be struggling painfully hard to control the instinct that was so desperately screaming to be unleashed. Slowly, he spoke again, although his husky voice was low, barely audible in the silence. Dangerous. "Of course I wouldn't have killed you, Bella," he muttered without opening his eyes. "No one was ever going to kill you. I made sure of that. Sam wanted to get rid of you all, but I convinced him to leave you alive. Just you. He wasn't exactly thrilled about the idea, but then I helpfully pointed out that it might be good for at least one of you to suffer a pain worse than death…an eternity without your family. The truth was though, I couldn't bear to think of you dead."

I stared at him for a long moment, unmoving, unblinking. I wasn't impressed as he thought I might be. This was the farthest act of nobility from impressiveness that I could possibly think of. Finally, I found my voice again and this time it was harder, less generous. "What's the difference?" I demanded suddenly, my tone leveling with his.

He blinked. "What?"

"What's the difference? How am I any different from Esme? If you hated her enough to take her life away then you must hate me too. We're both vampires, aren't we? So what's the difference?"

He shook his head suddenly, looking away in exasperation, although there was a hint of uncertainty in his voice as he answered. I sensed a victory. "It's not the same thing," he murmured, not sounding entirely confident.

"I thought all 'bloodsuckers' were the same," I replied smugly, knowing I was winning now. "I thought you said they were all disgusting leeches who deserved to die. How come I'm so different?" I crossed my arms over my chest, waiting.

Jacob looked at me then, serious. "Maybe you're not." That stung. "Maybe you're exactly like the rest of them. Maybe I'm just imagining things, Bella. Maybe my mind wants to believe you're still good so badly that even though I know you've sold your soul, I still pretend. I pretend you're human. I pretend you're the way you were when we were friends."

I cocked my head a little and raised my eyebrows, indignant to his response. "And how was I when we were friends, Jake?" I inquired, not only determined but genuinely curious.

Jacob sighed, thinking. I saw his iron guard crumble completely as he remembered a simpler time. A time I knew he hadn't forgotten. "You were sweet," he paused, a fleeting smile touching his lips ever so briefly. "And loving. You had a good, kind heart and you cared. Cared about everyone and everything around you…"

"Well, Esme was all those things too," I pointed out hopefully.

He scoffed. "She was a leech."

"So am I!" I threw my arms in the air, exasperated. We were going in circles. How could he not be getting this? "Look, Jake," I began again suddenly, my voice only a little calmer, "I'm not asking for an apology. Not even a little remorse."

"Then what do you want?"

"I want this to stop!"

He was quiet for another moment, his eyes gauging the sincerity in my face. "You want what to stop?" He asked, uncertain.

I focused on remaining calm, controlling my temper. I was thirsty. My rage was getting out of control. I had to relax. "Everything," I replied quietly. "The fighting. The hostility…the killing." I shook my head. "Don't you see what's happened, Jake? We're not different. Not even a little. As far as I can tell we've both got eyes, noses, mouths…a heart." – Perhaps not one that beat, but that was beside the point – "Just because our great, great, great whatever grandfathers fought doesn't mean we have to.

"I don't know when all this started, Jacob, but maybe it's up to us to stop it. What's stopping us? Cold ones? Blood drinkers? Leeches?" Suddenly I was speaking very quickly. "Dogs, mutts, mongrels – _what does it all mean_? What does it matter what we are? Don't you think the point is more _who _we are?" I stared at him for a long moment, scrutinizing his expression. I didn't have much more time to hash this out with him. "Look, Jake. If you disagree…be my guest." I spread my arms a little, exposing my chest and throat to him without fuss. "Take your best shot…I won't fight it." I was only vaguely aware of the fact that I was inviting him to kill me, but it seemed like the only way. Whatever road he chose to walk on, whatever side he chose to pledge allegiance, it was his own choice. I couldn't stop him. Not now, not ever. But if he wanted to stop himself, this would be my only chance to convince him.

He watched me for a long moment, thoughtful, his deep features sad as he looked at me. "Oh, Bella," he half-whispered finally, his voice choked. "Of all the bloodsuckers I've ever…" he stopped and started over. "I've been trained to…I never thought…why did it have to be _you_?" He looked down at the kitchen floor under his feet for a moment and when he looked back up there were tears glistening in his dark eyes. This hurt worse than anything I'd seen from him so far. He looked at me, one of the tears coursing over his high cheek bone. "I love you," he whispered.

I nodded, understanding. "I love you too," I replied honestly – maybe not the way he hoped for, but I _did _love him. No matter what he was. "And I'm asking you this out of love, Jacob Black, not hate. Hate has blinded your kind – and mine – for too many centuries. So don't look with your eyes. For once can you just let your heart make the right decision?" My voice deepened. "Love is _always _the answer," I marveled, as though I were just figuring this out for myself as well. "Listen to it. For me."

He looked at me then, his expression thoughtful for a long moment as more tears coursed over his striking features. Silence floated between us, although it was no longer uncomfortable as it was before. The tension was gone. If I could cry I would have been crying with him. I needed this from him. Just this one thing. In Esme's loving memory, I needed this. I needed the fireworks to stop.

Finally, he strode toward me, his paces huge and purposeful. I held my ground, unmoving, fighting the urge to defend myself if need be. That wasn't what I was here for. I wasn't going to fight. In complete alteration to my expectations though, suddenly Jacob's enormous, hot arms encircled my shoulders, crushing me to his scalding chest in a tight, loving hug. I let the heat sink in, savoring it for the last time. He stank of course, and his skin was far too hot, but I'm sure I smelled and felt just as revolting to him. And that was what made it alright. I felt like laughing.

"You really haven't changed," he murmured quietly into my ear. I felt him kiss my hair and for once didn't shy away from the contact. He was silent for a long moment, squeezing me more tightly against him. "I'm sorry." His voice broke meaningfully. "Really, I am." He sniffed and I felt the tears as they ran into my hair. "I'll speak to Sam," he continued finally, sounding suddenly determined. "I can't promise anything, but I'll do my best. You're right. This needs to stop. Our fight's run it's course."

I pulled back just enough to look at him, emotion gleaming in my own face. "Thank you," I whispered in return. "You don't know what that means to me." I opened my mouth again after I'd finished in an attempt to explain but all at once I was at a loss for words. There weren't words to describe my gratitude in that moment. So I merely closed my mouth again and wrapped my arms around his waist a second time – they didn't even meet behind his back – pulling him into a fierce, purposeful hug.

That was when I knew just how original we really were. I would place any amount of money on the fact that we were the only two of our kind in the history of the world to love each other enough for this. This had never happened before. I knew that for certain in the depths of my cold, deadened heart. I knew we were different. And we were going to change things.

**Author's Note: This chapter is dedicated to all those people who understand what truly matters in this life. War doesn't matter. Hate doesn't matter. No matter what nationality, or religion or even **_**species **_**we are, we will always be one and the same. The moral of this chapter and this story is basically that although we may come from different lands and speak in different tongues, our hearts beat as one. This is not the end of the story, not even close. There is much more to come. Keep reading. I just wanted everyone to understand the moral of the story. What I was trying to teach everyone by writing it. **

**This chapter was inspired by the song There Were Roses, by Evans and Doherty. If you can find it, I strongly encourage you to listen to it. Listen to the music and the words and think of this story. I hope you get as much out of it as I did. **


	44. Chapter 44: Killer

**Chapter 44: Killer**

I closed the door quietly behind me, leaning my head back against it momentarily and closing my eyes as I did so, inhaling the rich, wet fragrance of the forest while I thought. It was done. The war was over. And that, at least, was thanks to me…and Jacob. I couldn't have done it without him, of course, but at least I could finally amount some small measure of credit to myself. It didn't even come close to being enough to negate all the blame I deserved, but it certainly gave my sense of self-worth more than a boost. No one else would get hurt. That at least, I was sure of. Now I only had one more thing I had to do.

I opened my eyes and glanced around. After a moment though, I was startled to discover that Alice was no where in sight, as I had expected her to be. "Alice?" I called softly from the top step of Jake's front porch. My eyes went to the surrounding trees. "Alice?" I raised my voice a little, knowing full well that there was very little point to this; she would hear me even if I spoke in the lightest of whispers, but it seemed the reaction was instinctive. She didn't respond so I tried again.

Where could she possibly disappear to at a time like this? I crossed my arms over my chest, making up my mind that she had left without me. And then I felt a sudden pang of guilt jab at my gut. Alice wasn't like that. It wasn't fair to assume she'd just gone without telling me. I knew she didn't approve of me speaking one-on-one with a werewolf, but that was no reason for her to run off like this!

I bounded down the steps, my eyes searching the surrounding tree line. For a moment panic shot through me as I wondered if she had come across the rest of the wolf pack in my absence but then I recalled every aspect of being a werewolf that Jake had taught me throughout the short time we were friends. He would have heard their thoughts. He would have stopped them…wouldn't he?

Then it hit me. I froze at the base of the porch, dread coursing through my veins as my old human heart struggled to come back to life for the most fleeting of moments. She'd heard me. She must have. She must have been listening to every word, her sharp hearing picking up on the conversation between Jake and me only too easily. She knew. Through the cruelest of methods she'd found out for herself. Esme was dead. That must be it. Then she'd run off in a haze of anguish as we had that night in Denali.

I groaned audibly. Who knows where she may have gotten off to now?

"Alice!" My voice was more urgent this time as I took a few graceful leaps toward the trees, spinning in a hasty circle as I did so as to scan for her one more time. "Alice, I'm sorry! Alice!" I entered the tree line, the timbre in my voice edging toward alarm. What had I done to her now? I hadn't meant for this to happen. She was never supposed to find out this way!

I ducked into the shade of the forest – not that there was much sunlight elsewhere – and searched the trees for her. Where could she have possibly gotten to? How much damage could I have possibly done now? All too suddenly my little mission of peace with Jake didn't seem so important. I had been stupid, going to him about it without explaining to Alice first. She had a right to know. So why had I insisted on keeping it from her? Now I was afraid I'd only damaged her more than she would have been otherwise.

It happened to fast then that even the most composed and experienced of vampires would have been startled. Two strong, marble hands grasped me from behind, one clamping down with an iron grip over my mouth as it worked together with the other one to drag me back further into the trees. I tried to scream – probably the first real scream I had produced since my frenzied plummet from the cliff at First Beach. Only this was a shriek of sheer terror, not mere exhilaration. Exhilaration was likely the farthest thing from my mind now.

The steel grasp of the other vampire crushed down harder over my jaw line, silencing me with little more than the pain I felt in my bones as a result of the ruthless pressure. I squeezed my eyes closed tightly, willing it all away. I was imagining this. No one was going to kill me. Not when I'd come so far.

I struggled and the vampire's other arm constricted my ribcage, fighting shockingly hard to hold me still. I hadn't forgotten – I was stronger than any older vampire, no matter how experienced. I could win this. I just had to remember to think straight. The only problem was, my thoughts were anything but clear.

"Be still," a shrill, hostile whisper hissed in my ear. I froze. I didn't know this voice. There was only one in which I could assume belonged to. "You're not going anywhere this time, Isabella Swan," she continued, her voice heavy with exhaustion, but still retaining an undertone of unmistakable triumph. "It's all over for you."

From the corner of my eye I was able to catch sight of a wisp of fiery, crimson billows just by my right ear. I stopped struggling. She had me.

She spun me around in a tight circle, her arms never releasing the agonizing lock they had on my head and ribs. That's when I saw Alice. She stood in a stance identical to my own predicament, although she was caught in the hold of a younger, male vampire that I did not recognize. Her eyes were wide and apologetic as she stared at me, almost looking as though she were gazing into a mirror. I was upset, yes, but I didn't blame her in the least. As she had told me, her abilities were not quite up to speed. She hadn't a chance of seeing this coming.

Still, I could see the guilt displayed painfully clearly in her eyes. She'd thought it her responsibility to protect me. To protect _us_. And she'd failed. I did my best to relay forgiveness in my own answering gaze but it was difficult without words. Despair shook me almost immediately. Now I would never have the chance to tell her it was alright. She would die under the impression that this was all her fault and I would die with the weight of the anguish that came from knowing what I was leaving behind. A family that needed me.

_Oh well, _my more accepting side exulted as I considered this. What was two more in the scope of a dying coven? It wasn't as though there was really ever going to be a happy ending anyway…even I knew that. Then I thought of Edward. Then Carlisle. Dear, unfortunate, hurting Carlisle. I knew Edward wouldn't be far behind him if something were to happen to me. I'd seen what could happen. Could I really let that kind of horrific history repeat itself? Did I have a choice?

"So I see your darling boyfriend's done what he can to protect you." Victoria's icy, feline fingers probed at the hard skin of my neck and I could feel the disappointment that coursed through her small frame then. Her tone was disapproving when she continued. "It'll be harder now, but I'll still make you suffer in ways you can't even begin to imagine…" her soprano voice trailed off and I felt her head twist briefly in Alice's direction beside me, nodding away in a new direction to the vampire that held her. "Let's get them to the beach," she ordered, a demonic tone undermining the feigned innocence in her voice as her head swiveled around to look back at me, "where there will be no where to run."

I could feel her pushing me deeper into the trees but I couldn't make my body respond. I was stronger than her, I knew that. Edward had assured me so many times…so why couldn't I fight? Why wasn't I panicking and kicking and screaming like a madwoman? Could I really be so accepting as to simply give in when my one devoted enemy finally caught up with me? Could I just give up like this?

"No, Bella! Fight! Don't you dare give up! Fight, damn it!" I heard his beautiful voice snarling in my ear, the rage and disapproval unmistakable. To my surprise, I found myself a little annoyed. Now was not the time to be hallucinating. I had to keep a clear mind. But I couldn't help but let myself hear it just one more time while we walked. "Why won't you fight back?!" It demanded, sounding desperately angry. "Bite her! Run! Save yourself! Do _something_!"

But I couldn't. Not yet. I had to think of something first. If I simply exploded now she would kill me before I had the chance to react. I had to remember she was the one with the fighting experience. All at once I wished Edward were with me. I knew how he would lay down his life for me; tear her to shreds in my defense. And he could probably do it without much difficulty. So why wasn't he with me now? Couldn't Alice do something? Clearly though, she was addressing the matter realistically and reacting accordingly. She didn't bother struggling either for the moment.

I couldn't let us get to the beach. I had to do something. It was there that our lives would finally come to the painfully inevitable end. I had to know it was going to happen sometime. Maybe if I was lucky they would be satisfied with only me. It was me she wanted, not Alice. Maybe she would just kill me and then let her go. It was a long shot, but I couldn't help but hope. It was possible, wasn't it? The family needed Alice's optimistic outlook on life. Me, on the other hand, they were probably better off without.

Then we were there. It couldn't have taken more than ten minutes, and my mind was reeling. I'd lost all concepts of time and reason. I felt the soft yielding of white sand under my feet. I could hear the waves against the shore. I tried to block them out. This wasn't happening. We weren't there yet. And then I opened my eyes. First Beach. I was going to die.

I wondered briefly how it was going to happen, not that I cared much. I knew how it _had _to happen, but how could Victoria possibly make me suffer in any way she would have if I were human? Was it even possible for me to feel any real form of physical pain? I didn't know. I supposed I was about to find out.

My back hit the hard face of a cliff and with aching realization, I noted that Victoria was suddenly in front of me, pinning me to the rock by the shoulders as she stared into my face with those demonic, inhuman crimson eyes. Then I realized mine probably didn't differ too much in appearance.

I could smell the sweet craving for revenge on her breath, the appearance of her wild, red hair and monstrous eyes almost terrifying. Still, I couldn't look away. I stared into her soul the way she was staring into mine, waiting. I could feel the passion of the desire in her hold as her nails dug into my shoulders, just barely managing to hold back long enough. I could almost see the wheels turning behind her frenzied eyes, victorious. She knew already what she was going to do.

"You have no idea how much I'm going to enjoy this," she growled so close to my face that there was no way I could have missed a word.

Still holding her body in a coiled, careful stance, she twisted around without letting go of me so she could look at the younger vampire that held Alice. She swiveled her body around so she was behind me again, both of her hands locking over my chest as though she were preparing herself for a grueling struggle. "Okay, Riley," she called in a high excitement that I might compare to a cat's territorial scream, "you know what to do."

I expected him to come at me. I thought I saw her plan. I thought she intended to hold me down while he did the dirty work. He'd snap my neck or perhaps sever it completely. I knew he would at some point. The part that confused me was Victoria didn't seem like the type to let another vampire accomplish the thing she'd been working so long to achieve. The one thing she wanted more than anything else in the world…and she was going to let someone else have it? And wouldn't Riley have to let go of Alice in order to do it anyway?

_Oh, well, _I forced the notion through my mind just one more time, shrugging it off. I shouldn't worry about such details. At least it would be quick…

Then the younger, blond vampire did something agonizingly unexpected. It sent my mind reeling with sudden desperation and panic as the raw realization suddenly struck me. My reaction was almost instantaneous.

"Alice, no!"

He thrust her to the ground with an almost impossible ease. It was clear that he was the stronger one in that equation. She caught herself in a cat-like manner before she could fall completely flat to the sand, however, remaining upright on her hands and knees on the beach as he clutched the bridge of her shoulder in one iron hand, ready to crush it. His other was on her neck.

"NO!" I could feel the desperate sobs building in my chest, ready to explode. Suddenly I was struggling, forcing Victoria to take hold with twice as much force, constricting my breathing to almost nonexistence. "NO! _Please, don't! Alice!" _

I could see her huge, pixie-like eyes on me, sad and as strangely accepting as mine had been not too long ago. "It's alright, Bella," she muttered ever so softly, just loud enough for me to hear over my own screams. _No, no it wasn't alright. It wasn't. _Alice shouldn't have to get the easy way out of going first. That would mean I had to watch! All too suddenly Victoria's plan was achingly clear to me. How did one make a vampire such as I suffer? The answer was impossibly simple: strike at the most vulnerable spot – the heart. Victoria knew I had a soft one. It may have been dead but it still cared. It still loved Alice more than the world. It would still be torn to shreds before it watched her suffer the same fate. Victoria was going to deliver upon me a pain much worse than my own death: Alice's death.

"NO!" I wasn't going to watch this happen! I wouldn't _let _it happen! I'd seen it happen once before and I wasn't going to make the mistake of doing nothing to stop it again. No more death! Not me, and not Alice.

Victoria doubled the intensity of her hold on me as I did my best to wrench away from her. Her fighting tactics were good. She took advantage of my mindless frenzy and used my own strength against me while I wasn't paying attention. Before I knew what was happening I was against the cliff wall again, Victoria pinning me down and staring into my face with an infuriating pleasure in her eyes. She knew she was winning. I was suffering already.

"Did you honestly think I would be so kind as to just kill you?" She snarled into my face as she held me against the rock. "Oh no, Bella, after the pain you caused me, I had to get creative. Killing you would be too simple, too…pointless. The Bible says 'do unto others as you would have done unto you,'" she quoted triumphantly, making me shudder. She didn't realize she had it backwards. The Bible quote was referring to only good things to be done in the future, not things that had already been done in the past. Still, she pressed on, relentless. "And I think I'll do just that. Just consider yourself fortunate your dear Edward's not here…" She never finished that sentence.

My knee came up hard into her stomach, making her double over in despairingly fleeting breathlessness, giving me only half a second to react before she straightened up again.

A chilling, ripping snarl rumbled forth from somewhere deep in my chest, startling even me as I lunged at her. Momentary ecstasy thrilled through my slender frame; Edward had been right. I _was _a lioness. The snarl turned into a roar as I suddenly found myself on top of the older vampire, taking her to the ground with ease.

I could hear Alice shouting something but I couldn't be sure what. I wasn't even entirely certain of the fact that she was encouraging me. For all I knew she could have been calling desperately for me to stop, not wanting me to get hurt. Either way I didn't care. Enough was enough.

Victoria's nails were on the skin of my arms, trying to tear. They were unsuccessful. She was in no position for brute force to win. Everything was happening so quickly. But somehow I managed to keep up. This had to stop. I was vaguely aware that I was going back on my own advice given to Jacob Black not too long ago. Hadn't I said 'no more violence'? Hadn't I – the one intent on killing Victoria here and now – promoted the idea of peace? Perhaps peace was necessary at most times. But…was there ever a time for violence? Could there be? I didn't waste time figuring it out. People were dying. Families were being torn apart. This was going to end now.

Before I knew what I was doing my teeth were on her shoulder, my instincts taking over full force. I heard her cry out as they bore into her hard, marble skin, tearing away without a second thought. I didn't let myself think. Not yet. I knew I wanted to stop. I knew I didn't want to do this. I let myself do it anyway. Just a little. Just enough…

Our opposing snarls echoed through the cliffs of first beach. I could hear Alice and Riley somewhere nearby. I didn't know if they were engrossed in such a brawl as we were. I didn't care. I just hoped Alice was alright.

I felt my venom as it pooled into Victoria's right shoulder, ceasing the deadened tissues there with agony. I knew how it would feel. Even to a vampire it still hurt – probably one of the only things that did.

While I was distracted however she somehow managed to flip me over. She was on top of me then and terror coursed through the like the shock of a fork of lightning. I couldn't let it happen yet. Her hand went to my throat and I knew what would happen if I waited too long. I might cease to exist. I threw my weight over, using any sheer power of might I had left in my youth as a vampire. I could feel myself using up blood as though it were gasoline, burning it more quickly than my body could muster it. Still, it was enough. I sent Victoria sprawling into the sand beside me.

It had all happened in a matter of seconds. Any human would have missed the movements, seeing only unintelligible blurs. But now Victoria sprinted for the water. Dread gripped my gut instantly. I couldn't let her get away. Not after we'd come so close…

I knew what she was capable of if I let her go. I didn't want to kill her but at the same time none of this was ever going to end if I didn't. Panic touched my cold heart fleetingly as I realized I didn't know what to do. She knew she couldn't win this way. She would flee. Her instinct was to escape and she would do just that, no matter how strong her desire for revenge was. She had a stronger desire to live.

She would get help. She would come back with an entire army, perhaps take out the entire population of Forks if she had to. Charlie. No. I wasn't going to let that happen. I thought of my friends. Angela, Lauren even. They were only human, they didn't know how to survive an attack like that. What would come of my father? And it would be my fault. Alice was busy. I had to do something. Fast. Victoria had reached the lick of the waves, splashing into the icy waters at mind-boggling speed.

Even so, I caught her. She hadn't a hope of out-running me. I exerted the remainder of my strength in catching up with her before she was knee-deep in the ocean, and then I took her down. The two of us splashed into the shallow crests together, hitting the wet sand beneath before we could go under. She thrashed, spraying salty waves in every direction. I held her down. I could have killed her then. I had her in an effortless lock, not so much as tiring from the effort as I gripped her. I could have ended it. I knew I was capable. Inside every lamb was a lioness, right? Edward wouldn't be upset. It was Victoria. She didn't deserve to live. It would be only too easy to tear her to shreds right there…but I just held her down, waiting.

I could smell werewolf, so potent in the air that I hardly noticed the sudden intermingling of choking smoke. I looked up. Alice was further up on shore, standing before a towering, roaring flame, a triumphant smile on her deceptively innocent features. I found myself smiling too. In those few seconds that I had been battling with Victoria she'd somehow managed to tear Riley apart and turn him into a mid-day beach bonfire only too easily. I had to give her credit for that. The little monster never ceased to amaze me.

Still, achingly powerful memories were carried back to me with the stench of the smoke. I held Victoria down firmly, ignoring her frantic splashing in the shallow water. The fire smelled horrible. Like burning flesh. I remembered the stink only too well. I'd smelled it before. My mind shied away from the realization. It disgusted me. I quickly made a promise to myself that this would be the last time that I smelled it.

That's when Jacob appeared, enclosed in shaggy, thick, russet fur and equipped with the most terrifying set of canines I had ever seen. Even so, I allowed myself a miniscule grin. He was alone. I knew why he was here. And I wouldn't have to finish the job myself. I didn't want to anyway.

I watched as he strode forth out of the trees, his dark eyes resting briefly on the bonfire as he whimpered some soft form of approval. That's when I realized the fire probably smelled quite pleasant to him, as it would to any other wolf. It didn't smell of burning flesh the way it did us. It might even produce a different reaction from humans, for all I knew.

I stood up, hauling Victoria to her feet by the arms, unwilling to harm her any more than I already had. She stopped fighting.

Jacob shot me what I managed to identify as a look of disapproval through his huge, canine eyes. "Sorry," I muttered to him sternly, not truly sorry at all as I gave Victoria a rough shove in his direction. I felt her bulk at the sight of the dog, "I'm not a killer, Jake. That's just not who I am." I thrust her down before him the way Riley had done with Alice only moments ago, holding her at the back of the throat as to be certain she didn't try fleeing a second time. "You take care of it," I ordered gently, only half-pleased with myself at the solution I'd come up with. "Tell Sam to consider it a peace offering." I visibly cringed at my own words. Who knew I could be so cruel? But then, I could have killed her myself, couldn't I? I at least had managed to side-step that necessity. It wasn't my job. Victoria deserved to die but if there was going to be more killing, I wasn't going to be the one to do it.

To my relief though, Jacob seemed more than satisfied with this idea. There was a gratitude in his eyes that I had only seen a few times before. There, I thought as I turned away, leaving the other vampire to him, everybody wins.

Sam knew that both sides had been waiting for their chance to rid the world of Victoria. Now he would know that the vampires had gotten there first, and willingly given up that opportunity for the wolves. It would be the beginning of a new treaty. A common enemy sacrificed to the hands of one side. They wouldn't be able to say no to that. And better than anything else, Victoria would finally be put out of her misery.

I took Alice firmly by the hand, leading her away from the fire before I could hear or watch any of the goings on that followed. Whatever Jake planned to do to her, I didn't want to be a part of it. She was his problem now. I didn't look back as we walked away. I didn't need to see her again. Didn't need a last memory of her lonely, furious eyes or her cat-like stance. It was done.

"Did he hurt you at all?" I asked Alice when we entered into the tree line again. "The other one?"

She shook her head immediately, laughing that light, silvery laugh I loved so much. "How about you?" She inquired, although she didn't seem at all concerned.

I managed a miniscule grin and shook my head as well, sighing as my ocean-drenched hair slapped at my face and stuck. "Not a mark," I replied proudly.

Alice draped one hard arm across the soaked shoulders of my shirt then, smiling into my face as we walked. "You did very well for a newborn," she congratulated me with equal pride. "It was a short fight…and I thought you handled it better than any experienced vampire ever could."

I raised one eyebrow, skeptical. "Really?" I questioned, a little indignant, but Alice merely nodded.

"Yes," she pressed, more eager to make her point this time. "You knew you didn't have to kill her and you took that chance while you had it. You didn't get sucked in by anger. It was very…_Esme_-like of you."

I winced.

Alice raised her eyebrows, surprised. "What?" She demanded when she noted my reaction. "It's a good thing."

I nodded. "I know," I replied, not quite willing to share the truth with her yet. "It's just…" I changed the subject. "I didn't want any more killing _period_. I know any other vampire would have torn her apart right there, but I just…I don't know –"

"Bella," Alice stopped me, turning me to face her abruptly by the shoulders, "sometimes we can do everything we think is right and things will still turn out wrong." She shrugged her delicate shoulders lightly. "That's life," she stated simply, clearly unphased. "Sometimes things happen and sometimes…things just can't always work out the way we want them too. Some people – or vampires – can't be reasoned with. Fighting isn't always the answer, but, when you're hurting, you're just too blind to see an alternative."

I knew exactly what she was referring to. Victoria _was _hurting. As much as I hated to admit it, she had a heart as I did. She had thoughts and feelings and memories. In reality she was no different than me. I wondered momentarily if things could have been reversed. What if Edward had been the one to go after her – why I didn't know – and James had killed him protecting her? Would I have turned into a monster the way she had? It was possible. I didn't know what I was capable of in that situation. I very well could have blamed her and gone on a mission for destruction.

But I hadn't. And it was all over now. I was fairly certain I'd made the right choice. It seemed the universe was set on having Victoria die and I was simply refusing to be the one to set the event in motion. That wasn't wrong, was it? I did the right thing, hadn't I?

I figured it out as we walked. Victoria _had _heard our cries this morning when we had set out. It was possible she'd even been ready to strike last night before I'd found Alice. But then I _had _found Alice. She had to wait. She knew it would be too close of a fight, she and Riley against Alice and I. She'd waited until the opportune moment, when we had separated and she could get a hold of us individually. The moment when I'd gone to speak with Jake. It was my fault, not Alice's. I'd left her alone. I'd left the window open for Victoria to claw her way in.

But it _was _over now. I wouldn't dwell on it. It was done and already I wanted to forget. Jake and his pack would do what they wished with her and I never had to know about it. Forks was safe. Charlie was safe. The war was set to a proper end. And we could go home now.

**Author's Note: Still not the end…**


	45. Chapter 45: Homecoming

**Chapter 45: Homecoming**

We didn't exactly drive in silence, although that would have been a more potent preference for me. I wasn't in the mood to talk. So I listened instead while Alice babbled mindlessly about seeing everyone again. Her delicate, slender fingers toyed with the dials on the dashboard, searching for some form of satisfactory station to listen to. But, of course, the moment she found one, she would settle back in her seat for what could have only been a few seconds before she was scanning again, still unsatisfied with the music.

I let her do it, uncertain as to whether or not I even wanted to listen to music anyway as I sat behind the wheel, thinking. After a while I'd lost all concept of time. My mind was lulling over the same thing again and again, as though each time I considered it were the first. Alice didn't notice, but I must have opened my mouth dozens of times with the intention of saying something before I abidingly reclosed it again each time, still silent and undecided.

I still didn't know exactly what Alice knew. _Had _she heard any of the conversation between Jacob and me? I had never truly confirmed. She couldn't have, I decided finally as I listened to her. If she had she would never have reacted this way, simply ignoring the matter as though nothing had happened. That wasn't how Alice worked. But then, I supposed it wouldn't be entirely unlike her to put on a cheery front for anyone who asked. That _would _be like Alice…

One thing I could count on, I decided finally as I listened to her, was her honesty. If I asked her she would tell me. But I had to be careful about the phrasing of it. I couldn't give too much away in case her knowledge on the subject was minimal. I comforted myself with the fact that she was going to find out when we got to Denali anyway, whether she knew already or not. I had to ask her now.

I waited until she'd finished her latest anecdote for courtesy's sake before I cut in. "Alice," my voice was so low I was afraid for a moment that she hadn't heard, and then her huge, dark eyes were on my face.

"Yes, Bella?" She pried a little when I didn't continue.

I quickly shook off the haze and forced myself to keep talking, choosing my words carefully. "What happened when I went inside with Jacob?" I asked, deliberately keeping my eyes on the road ahead. Good, I mused as I finished. Not too specific, and it may not even bring a thorough answer but at least I would get some idea…

From the corner of my eye I saw Alice shrug, turning her own eyes out the passenger's side window of Edward's car. "Not much," she replied nonchalantly, not emanating any hint that she'd heard a word. "You went inside and left me on the porch. Barely a second passed before she grabbed me…" her voice trailed off, a little unwilling to relive the ordeal.

I sighed. Damn. On some level I was beginning to think this would be easier if she already knew. If no one had to tell her. But the reality of it was, someone did. And I was counting on Carlisle to be the one to do it. He would know what to do. What to say. If I did it I would only risk screwing up her chances for getting over it that much faster. Even I wasn't entirely over it yet. How could I be? It all still seemed so…_surreal_. I just wanted it to be over. Everything. Done with. A temporary dark age that never had to be revisited again. Like the deep, infinite black veil of the night sky, tense and frightful with the promise of perpetual darkness, right before the fireworks exploded to make it into something beautiful. Although it seemed like the fireworks were being delayed just a little while longer.

"Oh," I said finally, feeling like the slowest vampire on the face of the planet after waiting so long to reply.

I could feel Alice's eyes on me again, curious this time. "Why?" She inquired, uncertain.

I had to swallow the lump of panic as it rose in my throat. Alice knew better than anyone how terrible a liar I was. She had always been able to see straight through it without difficulty and we had never been anything but honest to one another. I had to be careful with this. Get through it quickly, although not too quickly to send her reeling into a surge of suspicion.

"No reason," I shrugged carefully, willing my eyes to remain on the road. If she saw them now she would know for sure. "I was just curious." Then, realizing how this must have sounded I quickly back pedaled. "It's not that I blame you, Alice, believe me," I added hastily, for her benefit. "If anyone deserves blame, it's me. It's my own stupid fault you're all going through this now…" I didn't finish. I had already been through this matter countless times. This wasn't my fault. I had been told that to the point where it rang in my head like a broken record. Still, I would never quite be able to shake the feeling that it was.

Alice merely shrugged yet again. "It was worth it." She flashed a blinding row of her gleaming, white teeth in my direction, grinning.

I didn't argue, although still, I couldn't quite bring myself to agree with that. She didn't know the half of it. I was sure she wouldn't think that way when she knew…

For the thousandth time since we'd begun nearly broaching the subject, I changed it, desperate for an escape route. "Will Carlisle and Edward be back by the time we get there?" I asked, hopeful that her 'talents' were beginning to come back to her. She just didn't seem quite like herself without them.

Alice was thoughtful for a long moment. "Carlisle will be," she replied finally, satisfied with the validity of her answer. "We'll be there by morning. Edward will be home later tomorrow night…" her voice trailed off and for a moment I panicked. Perhaps I shouldn't be encouraging this. What if she saw it before we got the chance to break it to her gently? What if she found out on her own?

"Bella?"

I held my breath, locking down for impact. "Yes?"

"We won't be there when Edward gets back…"

I shot her a questioning glance and she pressed on before I could ask. "We're going hunting." Her tone didn't match her words. Her words were simply, not at all out of the ordinary. Her tone was something else entirely, implying that this were a bigger deal than it appeared at first light.

I stared at her for a long moment, my eyes darting back and forth between the road and her face. "We?" I probed a little finally, searching for an answer.

She nodded. "Everyone but you," she told me solidly, confident with her prediction. "You stay behind and wait for Edward…and Bella?"

I looked at her again, my eyes tentative. "Yes?"

"We'll be out all night."

That's when I saw it. A hint of a smile that shattered the illusion of gravity in her expression. Realization must have flickered across my own features along with the gratitude I was feeling for Alice's smile broadened a little then. "You're welcome," she chimed before falling silent again.

I knew I would have blushed furiously if I could have. I felt shudders cascade down the length of my spine and gripped the steering wheel a little more tightly as my foot subconsciously pushed the gas. All at once I couldn't get back to Alaska fast enough. I needed to see Edward. I knew it wouldn't be until I saw him that I would truly realize how much I'd missed him. What I was feeling now was merely an illusion of emotion. I thought I missed him, but I knew the moment my eyes fell upon his impossibly perfect face, I would realize that I'd really had no idea until then.

I tried to picture his beauteous features; the hard line of his jaw, that gorgeous crooked smile that I'd gone too long without seeing…his eyes. I melted a little inside. Those incredible, smoldering eyes. I needed to feel his arms around me. I knew it was only that feeling that could end all of this. The turmoil. The darkness. It would all melt away into nothingness the moment he took me in his arms again. I had taken it for granted before. If I thought things were bad then…I had no idea how much worse they would get the moment he was out of my sight.

My chest didn't hurt the way it once had. It was still unbearably painful to miss him like this, but at least I knew now that things really were going to be okay. The pieces were coming together again. Slowly. But they were. The last of the pieces would be Edward.

Alice suggested that I hunt before we got to Denali and as much as I resented the thought of arriving later than necessary, I supposed it didn't make a difference since Edward would still arrive at the same time no matter how late I was. I hated to delay the inevitable reunion that was waiting for us though. The family still had no idea I'd found Alice. We hadn't called. I'd nearly forgotten that aspect. They had no idea we were on our way.

I supposed Rosalie must have gotten a hold of her father somehow, called him perhaps to tell him I'd gone and done something stupid again. It wasn't too big a leap from there to figure out that Carlisle had gotten in touch with Edward and the two were now on their way home to rescue Forks from my impending terrorization. I felt the minutest swell of pride when I remembered the good news I had to deliver. I'd saved Forks. I hadn't killed anyone. That, at least, was something to be proud of, wasn't it?

Alice also told me that Edward will have hunted as well when he arrived home. Neither of us would be thirsty, which I was glad for. It was difficult to feel any real sense of contentment without the strength to do so. I wanted to feel it. I wanted to be happy to see him. So I stopped.

Every mile felt like an eternity as we drove. It was a relief to say the least when the mountains slowly filtered in around us, thinly dispersed at first and then dragging us into their other-worldly depths, towering over the back Alaskan road. We'd driven through the night and it was only now that the first few rays of sunlight were spilling over the horizon line. It was early – even someone with little or no concept of daytime could discern that much. I drove slower than I had on the way to Forks, although still faster than any human would ever dare, especially as we entered the vacant mountain roads where ours was the only vehicle in sight. I wasn't worried about animals. I would see them long before they had any idea I was coming.

The darkness had been good. Alice had quieted at some point during the night – I was ashamed to say I'd tuned her out ages ago and didn't notice she'd fallen silent until long after. I had enjoyed the sound of her voice, her laugh. Silvery and light, just as it had always been. I was careful about urging her to 'look ahead' again. I didn't want her seeing anything she didn't have to. Truth be told I was lucky she hadn't already. Secretly, I thanked God for her temporary handicap. She would find out soon enough. No need to make it harder on her than it already would be.

The road wound to an end eventually and I parked Edward's car in exactly the space it had been in before I'd taken it, shifting gears and killing the engine almost mechanically, as though I didn't dare think about the repercussions of all of this. I felt an odd sense of homecoming as I caught the light-hearted smile on Alice's lips before we climbed out of the car. She was excited to see her family. Anyone could see that. I only wished she could know that there would be one exception to the reunion.

I stared at the motorcycle that was still waiting for us for a long moment. "Oh," I had to force the word across my lips, suddenly feeling very ashamed of myself. "Right."

Alice caught my hesitation and frowned. "What's the matter?" She asked, clueless and I had to sigh.

"You'll have to ride with me, Alice," I informed her somewhat sullenly, shrugging in a manner of helplessness. "There's only one bike for the moment…" – That works.

Alice shrugged good-naturedly and nodded. "Sure," she chimed.

I suppressed a groan. Her natural cheer was beginning to get to me. Every time she bubbled over with that remarkable enthusiasm of hers, I couldn't help but wonder if it was the last time I would be hearing it. I knew what came next. How long could we put it off? How long could we keep from breaking her heart and her spirit all with one report?

"Ready?" I forced enthusiasm into my tone as I straddled the bike, pulling Alice onto the seat behind me.

I heard her voice in my ear. "As I'll ever be," she laughed as I felt her dainty arms encircle my waist. "Let's go."

I kick started the engine and released the clutch smoothly to top speed. Then I pushed the throttle a little. As we flew through the trees I inhaled the familiar scent of pine and fresh, mountain air. I was only slightly surprised at how accustomed I'd grown to it over these last few weeks. The aroma made me want to smile. It was a safe smell. An easy smell. A smell that meant home.

For a few minutes I wanted to pinch myself to be certain I wasn't dreaming. Everything had happened so fast over these past couple of days. Forks. Charlie. Alice. Jacob. Victoria. It all sort of blurred together in an indiscernible torrent. And now we were going back. I was bringing Alice back to her family. Our family. Carlisle would be there waiting. Edward would be home tonight. Things were coming clearer than I'd ever expected. Perhaps it was possible to untie the most wretched of tangles.

Still, there was just one more unpleasant thing that needed to be done before I could let myself breathe a sigh of relief.

I could see a parting in the trees up ahead and I pushed the bike up another gear. If I didn't get this over with I may run the risk of changing my mind and stopping here. I had to get back. Back to Carlisle. Back home. To my family. I had to bring Alice back.

Rosalie was on the ground by one of the damaged bikes, her normally impeccable fingers intertwined in a mass of grease and metal. I would have smiled had the guilt not been so impenetrable. She was a good mechanic, but not _that _good. I was a better shot.

A toolbox lay open on the ground next to her and Emmett was at her side, leaning down to hand her a grease-spattered cloth as she pulled away another damaged fragment of the engine. They were the only two outside as far as I could see. They looked up as the roar of our own working engine echoed across the field toward the house.

As I watched, Rosalie dropped the cloth, her full lips parting slightly as she squinted across the clearing. I knew she could see us as clearly as if we were standing right next to her. It was believing her impossibly good eyes that was the problem. Slowly, she shook her head, unwilling to trust the events that were unfolding before her eyes.

Alice leapt from the bike before I'd hardly slowed, startling me only slightly as I steered it back over to its original parking spot by the house, killing the engine. I dismounted myself as I watched Rosalie's expression change from one of blunt astonishment and confusion to a colorful disarray of disbelief and bliss. She flew to her sister, the impact of the embrace echoing undoubtedly for miles around.

I had to smile, leaning my lower back against the seat of the now free-standing motorcycle.

Rosalie's arms tightened around Alice's tiny frame fiercely for a long moment, her blond hair intermingling over the smaller vampire's shoulder with Alice's short-cropped, black strands. For a moment it was difficult to discern where one vampire ended and the other began, but then, I supposed, it didn't matter for the moment. This was something we'd all been waiting an eternity for. The family coming back together.

"Oh, Alice!" Rosalie managed in a tear-strained voice as she held onto her, sobbing a few dry gasps between words. "Alice, what –?" She stopped and I saw her shake her head over her sister's shoulder. "It doesn't matter," she breathed as she squeezed her a little more tightly, the most relieved of smiles coming over her perfect features. "You're safe now. Alice, we missed you so much." She was breaking down, a sight I was slowly becoming accustomed to, no matter how startling it had been in the beginning. I knew Rosalie now. Nothing surprised me anymore.

I crossed my arms over my chest, waiting.

Only slightly taken aback, Alice seemed to be doing her best to regroup, muttering something in her sister's ear so low that I almost didn't catch it. "It's alright, Rose. Shh." She lifted one hand away from her sister's back and stroked the golden waves at the back of her head lovingly. "It's okay. I'm fine, see?" She had to struggle a little before Rosalie would let her pull away, only leaving her enough room to look into her face, still holding her at arm's length.

"I can't believe it." Rosalie's voice broke a little as she looked at her, her face twisting into a mask of bewilderment and grief all of a sudden. When she spoke again her voice was shattered with the tightness of strangled sobs. "Alice, you don't know what we've been through," she half-whispered after a long moment tense with emotion. "What Carlisle –"

I shook my head almost violently on the opposite side of Alice's shoulder, my eyes widening purposefully as they caught Rosalie's. She stopped, her breath catching audibly in her throat.

Alice had already caught on, however. "Carlisle?" She repeated, a sudden undertone of alarm in her silvery voice. "What about him? Is he alright?" Her dark eyes bore into Rosalie's for a long moment as her sister scrambled for an answer. Finally though, she nodded. I released the breath I'd been holding.

"Yes, Alice, he's fine now…um…" Rosalie sounded as though she intended to continue. She never did. Instead she handed Alice over to Emmett, plastering the tightest of smiles on her features as she watched her husband scoop Alice up off of her feet in as massive bear hug.

I let my smile grow a little as I listened to the tightness in his booming voice. "We were so worried about you," he murmured as he twirled her in a quick circle and placed her back on her feet. "Everyone's going to be so relieved…we weren't sure if you'd be able to find us."

Alice shook her head, having to incline her head dramatically to look at her brother. "I didn't," she explained quickly. "Bella found me…"

I stopped listening as she rampaged into an excitable flurry of explanation. Rosalie was inching toward me, moving in broken motions so slight and graceful that they didn't have a chance of catching Alice's attention. I remained where I was, resenting the reprimand that was inevitably coming my way.

"You didn't tell her?" She whispered harshly when she'd come close enough close the hearing range between us in a hushed tone.

I shook my head. "I thought it might be better if she heard it from Carlisle –"

"Bella, Carlisle's completely lost it!" Rosalie reminded me in an even sharper voice. "We can't trust him to be the paternal one anymore."

This throbbed a little in my gut. There it was. That feeling of helplessness again. But this time it was false. An illusion. It had to be. "Have you talked to him since he got back?" I challenged, unwilling to believe we'd lost our only remaining comfort.

Rosalie shook her head hastily, although in a manner of slight reluctance. "No, not really" she acknowledged, still solid on the matter, "but – he's back…" her voice dropped an octave, suddenly thrown off as though she were realizing something for the first time. "How did –?" Her eyes darted momentarily to Alice. "Oh."

I smiled a little. "Yeah." It seemed the Cullens had gone so long without use of Alice's talents it had blinded them from the obvious.

"But, Rose, I think you're underestimating Carlisle," I whispered sincerely as I thought back to that day a little over a month ago now. "You didn't talk to him like I did before he left and I think…he may be coming around."

She seemed to consider this for a long moment, hope intermingling with uncertainty as both emotions flickered across her ochre gaze. It seemed like an eternity before she spoke again, drawing in a deep, wavering breath. "I hope you're right," she sighed finally, letting her eyes drift back to her sister. "Because someone's going to have to tell her eventually."

Alice's eyes snapped over to us so suddenly that I jumped. "Tell me what?" She demanded, the characteristic bubbly cheerfulness of her voice vanishing with astonishing abruptness. She sensed the apprehension in the air as well as any of us. She knew something wasn't right. Her voice darkened even more so when she spoke again, the smile fading from her features as she scrutinized our somber expressions. "Rose, what's going on?"

Rosalie's eyes fell on mine for help. I didn't move. I didn't dare. Not so much as a shrug. I let my eyes do the talking. Emmett fell silent as well.

Alice's expression was inching toward panic. "What –?"

"_Alice_?!"

My eyes shot to the front porch and I grinned as my they registered the familiar, sad, handsome presence of the 'paternal' Cullen. My smile only lasted a brief second. At first glance I remembered the Carlisle who existed before the death of his wife. The strong, compassionate one that always knew what to do. I remembered the way he'd so often taken charge when the rest of us looked to him for instruction.

Now there was a sense of vulnerability about him was completely and overwhelmingly unnatural. Even as he took his formerly-lost daughter into his arms and thanked God in her ear, I could still see it. The old Carlisle would have given her a quick hug and responded with something simple like 'There. You're fine now. I knew you would come back to us sooner or later'. Maybe he'd laugh then.

He didn't now. Even Alice seemed to notice the change in him. The status was better than it had been when he left, but still not up to the old Carlisle's standards. He was still not quite himself. It bothered me probably more than it should have. I knew it wasn't his fault; that didn't ease the pain of having to watch it though.

Alice's expression made it clear of her suspicions when Carlisle finally pulled away enough to look into her face. He had held onto her for an uncharacteristically long period of time, his voice strained with the weight of emotion. It was true, Alice had been gone for a long time and thoroughly sent us all into a downward spiral of concern, but even so, Carlisle was normally more composed than this. It was almost as though he didn't care enough to remain calm anymore, as though there was no longer any point to doing so. As though no one needed him. This wasn't true in the least, of course, but in his eyes…I couldn't imagine how blinding the pain must have been.

"Is everything alright?" Alice's smile wavered a little as she hit the nail directly on the head.

I watched Carlisle's expression carefully, willing him to be gentle no matter how pointless he felt doing so might be. He came through for me, his old, compassionate self shining through, it seemed, with the development of his daughter. "A lot has happened while you were gone, Alice," he explained diplomatically, his eyes gentle.

Alice's dark eyes flickered in my direction momentarily. "I know," she smiled a little as she took in my new, 'undead' form. "Bella was a big surprise in herself…" Her smile faded and her attention drifted back to her father. "What else has happened?"

Carlisle's face hardened to unreadable stone. He sighed. "Why don't you come inside and we'll tell you all about it?" He offered kindly, taking her tiny hand in his own. "We've got a lot to talk about."

It was only then that I felt Rosalie's hand on my shoulder, squeezing it to an almost painful extent. "We certainly do," she added pointedly as she nudged a fragment of the scrap metal with the toe of her shoe. "As well as giving us the scare of our lives, Bella, you did quite a job on these."

I grimaced, smiling a little sheepishly. "Sorry," I apologized, working hard to emphasize the sincerity in my voice.

"You're just lucky I called Carlisle when I did," she pressed on, her expression suddenly serious. "I don't know what we would have done if you hadn't come back on your own."

I raised my eyebrows meaningfully, hoping the confidence in my voice then was more convincing than it felt. "Ah, but I came back with Alice," I reminded her a little too smartly, hoping to gain some form of credibility in the matter.

Rosalie looked amiable for a moment. "True," she nodded thoughtfully. Then her eyes hardened again, only half serious as they fell on mine. "Just don't ever do that again, okay?"

I let my smile verify my honesty for itself. "Okay."

It was difficult to imagine Rosalie concerned about _me_. But then, perhaps it was the entire population of Forks she was worried about, not her sister. I could understand that. Still, I was certain I caught the faintest glint of loving relief in her eyes as she looked at me, her hand falling on my shoulder again, softly this time.

"I think you gave Edward the scare of _his _life too," she continued, thinking.

My expression suddenly twisted into a darkened mask of panic. "_Edward knows?_" I confirmed, my voice leaping up an octave. It wasn't as though I hadn't expected as much, but a part of me had hoped I would come out of this whole mess unscathed. _Edward never has to know a thing, _I'd thought on the way out of Denali just forty-eight hours ago. I had been under the naïve impression that I would be back before he ever knew I was gone. He didn't have to worry. But then, I had been idiotic to assume such good fortune. Of course Edward would know. How had I expected him not to?

Now Rosalie was the one to look sheepish. "What did you want me to do, Bella?" She exclaimed somewhat defensively. "Just let you go and expect everything to turn out fine? I called Carlisle just after you left and it took him this long to get back. He tracked down Edward somehow in New Guinea, but he couldn't meet up with him until later. He'll be home later on tonight."

I nodded knowingly.

"Right," Rosalie understood after a moment. "Of course you already know…but then how does Alice not know about –?"

"It's a long story." I interrupted before she could finish.

She nodded again. "Of course it is," she agreed with a heavy sigh of preparation. "Well, we've got all day…"

We made Alice go first. I listened only half-attentively on the chair closest to the fireplace, tuning in on the parts she hadn't mentioned the first time around – there weren't many of them. I was thinking. I'd done well, I supposed, although the decisions I'd made for myself within the last two days hadn't been the most thought-out ones. It had been worth it, I decided as I listened to Alice's cheerful voice as it colored the atmosphere of the room, helping it to live up to the warm-feeling intention to which it had been designed.

The most satisfying of everything had been the expression on Jasper's face as we trudged through the front door, appearing to him half-way up the spiral stair case. Something thawed behind his eyes; some primitive, wild aspect of his nature that surfaced only at the most impossible of times. He'd stood there for a long moment, staring, unbelieving, afraid to believe.

Then Alice had spoken. "Jasper," she'd whispered ever so quietly, as though she were the only entity in the room. This seemed to break the chance. Jasper had flown down the stair case faster than I'd ever seen any other vampire to move, appearing as merely a blur to even my sharpened eyes.

The reunion was one of such sweetness that for a moment I wondered if it were possible to squeeze one more beat from my stony, dead heart. It certainly felt like it as I watched. It was beautiful. He held her so tightly that we had to wonder if he would ever let go again. They whispered in one another's ears so low that even we hadn't a hope of hearing. So we stood, waiting.

Jasper awoke. He was Jasper again, anyone could see that. Purely. Completely. Not healed, but as though nothing had ever been missing at all. It was a miracle to behold. Something that, for a time I'd found myself doubting could ever happen again. We thought we'd lost Alice and yet, here she was, cheerful and encouraging as ever. And she _did _encourage us. She saw the glumness of our souls that even we hadn't recognized and she did what she could to make it disappear. It worked for the most part. It felt as though we were a family again.

Tanya was happy to see Alice as well, although she took the approach that I may have expected from the old Carlisle. She smiled, embracing Alice's tiny form tightly and whispering, "Oh, Alice, darling, I knew you would find us." When she pulled away she was laughing. Not in exhausted, relieved gusts as the rest of the family had been displaying. Hers was more natural and effortless, as though she truly had never been concerned in the least. "You know," she giggled as she held Alice at arm's length, "I told them everything would be fine, but they're all such worry warts!"

Alice had shaken her head, giggling a happy, chiming laugh. "What are we going to do with them?" She'd replied, equally casual.

Alice told Carlisle and the others everything she'd told me the night before, not leaving out any details from the point of her kidnapping up to the point of our return. I offered a few words concerning the matter of Victoria's death and the end of the war, although this seemed harder to believe to the Cullens than anything Alice had said.

"So…it's just…done?" Emmett had confirmed, clearly perplexed by my lightness. "No more fighting?"

I smiled a little, folding my legs up beneath me in the armchair. "We came to an agreement," I assured him. "They won't be bothering us anymore."

That wasn't the only thing that had confused my family however. My apparent innocence in the ordeal had seemed to make just as little sense to them as the end of the war. They couldn't understand how I had gone through the tiny town of Forks and not given in to temptation in the least. I could understand how this may have been confusion, but I could only shrug, not knowing quite how to explain it.

It was only then that it had occurred to me. "Tanya," I called across the common room of sorts to where the ancient vampire was sitting. "Shouldn't the rest of your family be back by now as well?" I raised my eyebrows in question, suddenly considering the matter that they were only meant to be gone a couple of weeks.

Tanya shrugged, her expression suddenly turning sympathetic. "They decided to stay in Africa for a few more weeks," she explained. "They wanted to give you some privacy…I would have done the same only it quickly became apparent to me that the lot of you can't be left alone for too long." She laughed, a little too light-heartedly for the subject. I couldn't blame her for it, however. I knew what she was trying to do. The only trouble with it was, we weren't quite ready to joke about it yet.

Our expressions fell. Again, Alice's overall sharpness of intuition didn't fail her. It sparked and caught. "Why?" She asked, her voice rising a little in note. "What happened?"

This was it. We couldn't put it off any longer. If we waited another second she would see it anyway. I was surprised she hadn't noticed the absence of her mother already. She may have already though, I reminded myself with a painful stab of guilt, and had simply been too afraid of the answer to inquire. Or perhaps she'd merely assumed Esme had gone out hunting or ventured off to restore some old temple somewhere. It would make sense. What with the mass separation the family had gone through only a few months back, Alice probably wouldn't consider it necessarily uncommon for one or more members of the Cullens to be missing…

But I had to give her some credit. I could almost see the pieces of the puzzle snapping into place behind her eyes. She finally asked. "Where's Mom?"

Carlisle spoke before the silence could answer the question for us. "Alice, come with me for a minute. I need to talk to you about something." He stood up, holding out his hand for her to take and despite the circumstances, I found myself smiling the most miniscule of smiles. It was happening now, but Carlisle was doing it. My faith in him hadn't been lost amongst the tangles of reality. I had been right. He _was _coming around. Still not entirely himself, but more like it than any of us had ever thought possible.

Alice's eyebrows knit together in an expression of confusion for a moment. She didn't move. Carlisle waved the hand he was holding out to her a little. "Come on," he encouraged, and she stood up, slowly, her eyes darting around the room to the rest of us for some hint as to what was going on. We gave nothing away.

I knew how she must have been trying to look ahead. Clearly though, her visions weren't quite up to date enough to pick up on something that powerful and life-altering. She saw nothing as she followed her father into the kitchen nearby, just out of hearing range if he spoke quietly enough.

I didn't want to watch, but I did. We all did. It was like watching a train wreck. We wanted to look away but we just couldn't. Our eyes fastened themselves securely to the sight of Carlisle leading Alice by the hand into the next room.

Slowly, tenderly, he stopped her and turned her shoulders so she was facing him. He spoke so quietly that even we didn't hear. Tanya was closest. If she did hear anything she didn't let it show on her impossibly beautiful features. She kept her eyes down.

I watched as Carlisle spoke. I tried to read his lips. It wasn't a talent I possessed. I watched as his lips stopped moving for a long moment. Was it done? I saw Alice's hands fly to her face and I knew. I knew it was over. The last miserable deed to be done. And it was finally over. Still, the worst may have been over, but the damage had also been done along with it. It would be a while before Alice was _herself _again, but I supposed we would just have to get used to that somehow.

I could see a part of her shatter as her dry, broken sobs echoed through the house and she nearly collapsed onto her knees, Carlisle catching her before her legs could hit the hard tile of the kitchen floor. He held her to him for a long moment, cradling her shoulders in his arms as though she were merely a young child. For a moment I was certain I saw, instead of two centuries-old vampires, simply a father and his little girl, embraced in a difficult moment of sorrow.

She would be alright eventually. Even I knew that. I wasn't quite alright myself, but I knew someday I would be, and when that day came Alice wouldn't be far behind. She was better at bouncing back than any of us and although her trauma was fresher than ours, she may very well heal faster. It would be a long road, just as it had been already, but at least now we could travel it together. After tonight we could all be together again. The thought comforted me as I leaned my head back against the chair cushion. Together. A family again. There for one another. Supporting. Whole. I closed my eyes. Finally.

It may have seemed odd, but breaking Alice had merely been the last step to recovery. It was done now. We could finally start healing. The walls had crumbled but we could build them up again. Carlisle was living proof of that. If he could do it after what he'd been through, anyone could. We could. Alice could. We could do anything.

It felt like days before the warm sensation of the fire was finally thawing our skin again, the windows darkened with the onslaught of night in the Alaskan mountains. Alice had disappeared somewhere. I wasn't worried about her. She was more likely to find a way to smile about this than any of us. There was no doubt in my mind that she would be just fine given time. We had been through this before. We knew what it would take. All we could do was wait. Then I heard her voice.

"Bella," she half-whispered somewhere to my left, her voice hoarse and still heavy with grief – not at all like her.

I looked up.

"We're going hunting now." It sounded as though she had to work very hard to remember how to speak.

I sat up a little straighter, my forehead creasing with a line of concern. "Alice, you don't have to go," I assured her hastily, my own voice coming out quieter than it should have. "Just stay here. You should…rest." – How I wasn't entirely certain.

But Alice was already shaking her head, her expression unchanging. "No," she protested weakly. "We're still going. I want to go…" she forced a deep breath through her lungs and it was only then that I noticed how frighteningly black her eyes had become. "You just…stay here and wait for Edward. We'll be back in the morning."

I opened my mouth to protest but she was gone then before I could say another word. The house was empty. Just me. Alone. I wondered if I should be afraid briefly, but then, what was there to be afraid _of _now that the wolves weren't out to get us anymore? I was probably the scariest thing these mountains had seen in a long time…

I didn't want Alice to go, but the truth was I was glad she'd found a way to distract herself, get her mind off of things. Besides, I comforted myself, soothing the grief in the pit of my stomach a little; it's always easier to feel better when you're not thirsty anymore. Maybe hunting would help her to be herself again. I should be encouraging her to go.

Groaning audibly in the empty darkness, I let my hard body fall heavily against the cushions of the couch I was sitting on, burying my face in the fabric as I shifted my legs beneath me so I was lying down. I let my eyes close. What a day. What a _week. Month. _I needed to see Edward. That was the only solution to this. Things were getting better but they wouldn't be up to their highest standards until Edward was with me.

I wanted to fall asleep. Anything that would make the time pass more quickly. I didn't like the feelings of being alone. I wasn't used to it anymore.

I didn't hear the roar of an engine when it finally happened. Maybe he ran. I didn't hear a door open. Didn't even smell him. I only let myself wait, unwilling to believe things could be this good. I was dreaming. I was still human and I was sleeping. But the sensation was only too real as I felt four tender fingertips brush the hair away from my cheek.


	46. Chapter 46: Reunion

**Chapter 46: Reunion**

I let my breathing stop and squeezed my eyes more tightly shut against the cushion, willing the hallucination away. But it didn't disappear as I may have expected. Just like the last time he'd returned to my resting form, he was more real than I could have ever thought possible. He was there. I still couldn't grasp the miraculous quality of the concept.

His other hand slid with such grace beneath my opposite cheek that I started breathing again, my pointless respiratory system jump-starting at his touch as he gently eased my head around to face him. Then I heard his voice, as beautifully irresistible as it had been the day he left. Better than any hallucination my subconscious could ever produce. "Open your eyes." It came out in a purr, barely above a whisper.

Suppressing a smile, I squeezed them shut tighter still. "Why?" I challenged, a hint of playfulness in my voice.

I could hear the smile in his. "Because I need to see them," he murmured, his voice so close to my face now that I had to struggle to remember how to breathe. I could feel his sweet breath on my face and my head swam with the glorious aroma. Before I could stop them, my eyes fluttered open.

I forgot the notion of breathing all together. He was even more perfect than I remembered. It had only been a month, but the difference it had caused it to seem more like years. I had gone so long without him…

I wanted to cry. The thirst for the sensation of overwhelming, joyful tears spilling over my features was more powerful than any thirst for blood I had ever felt in my short time as a young vampire. I'd missed this face so much.

Edward's eyes were exactly the same. Dark, deep pools of liquid gold, smoldering into mine with an affection so profound that it pushed the desire for tears to an almost painful extent. I heard him draw in a deep breath, which quickly turned into a sigh of the most overpowering relief. "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen." His smooth, liquid voice had dropped below the break of a whisper.

I could only smile. I had forgotten how to speak. One of my hands went to his face, savoring the feeling of marble as it ran over the perfect, flawless skin of his cheek and forehead. My fingers trailed down between his eyebrows, following the line of his nose to his lips. They stopped there, running over the beautiful curves again and again. I shifted my weight so I was lying flat on my back, but still refused to sit up. He was kneeling at the side of the couch, leaning over me with a grace and stance only he could manage.

"I suppose 'hi' wouldn't exactly suffice?" He muttered with an overpowering air of irresistibility. He smiled, one corner of his perfect mouth pulling upward slightly in the most glorious of crooked grins.

A surge of desire washed through me then before I was aware of what his presence was doing to me. I just barely got the words out in a coherent manner before the passion of the moment tied my tongue into an impenetrable disarray. "No." My breath came out in a trembling whoosh. "But this might."

My fingers closed around the collar of his shirt, wrenching his face down to mine before he had the chance to speak again. The moment our lips met it felt as though an electrical shock had passed through us. I sunk into it, relaxing against the couch as he crushed his lips more firmly to mine, parting them slightly. My hands tangled in his bronze hair before I had consented them to do so. This was it. What I had been missing so dearly all this time. Nothing could justify going an entire month without this. How I had ever managed it, I would never know. It was harder than any abstinence from human blood I had ever endured.

My lips broke contact with his for merely a moment and I whispered his name. Then they were occupied again. I whispered it one more time when I got the chance, my breath unsteady as it gusted between my teeth.

With startling abruptness, my arms overlapped behind his neck, embracing him in the most loving of hugs as he pulled me gently from the couch and placed me on my feet in front of him, standing to his full height again. My face disappeared in his chest and I gasped one broken, tearless breath as I felt his arms encircle my back, crushing me against him. I felt him bury his own face in my hair, no doubt closing his eyes to savor the sweetness of the reunion as I was.

I never wanted to let go. Not now. Not ever. I wanted more. I wanted _him_, fully and completely. Tonight. My voice was muffled as I murmured something into his shirt, just loud enough for him to hear. "I love you," I managed to croak against him, tightening my hold around his waist.

I heard him sniff into my hair as though he would have been crying if it were possible. His lips moved to my ear, making me shudder. "I love you too, Bella," he whispered in a voice cracked with emotion. "So, so much. And I am never letting you go again."

It was a painful thing to do, but somehow I managed to pull my face out of his chest, just barely enough to see into his perfect face – the face of a god. I raised my eyebrows with some effort. "Is that another promise?" I questioned a little mischievously, although my voice was still too serious to be teasing him in the least.

He didn't smile either. His face remained so somber that it frightened me a little. "Oh, Bella," he breathed after a long moment, blowing a gust of soothingly sweet air into my face. "This is the mother of all promises." His hands moved up to my shoulders, holding me a little closer than arm's length. I couldn't tear my eyes away from his face. He continued. "I'm going to marry you – _tomorrow, _if I can. From now on whatever we do, we do together. If one of us goes, we both go…because I can't stand to be away from you."

I managed the slightest of nods. "Agreed," I half-whispered, happy to regain my ability to speak coherently again. "I don't care if it's selfish. I need you." I stretched up on my tiptoes to bring our lips together a second time, my arms tightening around his neck.

One of his hands traced the length of my spine, gracefully running down to the small of my back, where it paused to hold me more tightly against him. I kissed him for what felt like hours, there, in the firelight. I wanted to talk. I wanted to tell him everything. But not right now. Right now was for us. We only had until morning…

I was the one bold enough to break the kiss – only for the purpose of speaking. "Let's go upstairs," I whispered, my breath trembling with the meaning of the words. Our foreheads remained resting against one another, unwilling to distance themselves too much. I heard his breathing stop altogether. There was the briefest of pauses.

"Where are the others?" He inquired quietly, only a little uncertain and it was difficult to tell whether or not he was merely looking for an excuse to pull out of the deal.

I did my best to suppress the sting of his hesitance. After all this time was he _still _concerned about what this would do to me? My answer was short and to the point when I spoke again. "Hunting." It was only then that it occurred to me that Edward hadn't had any idea I was even here before he arrived. Was he not surprised? Angry? But then, if he were half as engrossed in the tenderness of this moment as I was, he would have forgotten every insignificant detail of our reunion. It wouldn't matter to him anymore how or when I had arrived, or even what had happened to me on the way. All that mattered now was that we were together. That was all that ever mattered.

My lips were on his again before he could speak, moving more passionately this time, eager as I pressed myself against him. He hesitated, ever so briefly, his lips hardening and seeming to freeze in place. Then he pulled away, his eyes on my face again as he held me. "Are you sure?" Was all that he asked and I knew he wasn't referring to my knowledge about our family's whereabouts.

I paused for a moment, my movements put on hold. "You know," I whispered in the glimmering darkness of the living room, "after everything that's happened to us, this may be the only thing I still _am _sure about…" I stretched up and kissed him again, my arms tightening around his neck. "Do you have any idea what it was like?" I asked. "Going through so long without you? With everything _but _you? The thing I needed most?"

Slowly, he nodded. "Yes," he whispered quietly in return. "I do. And I am so sorry."

A painful pang of guilt tightened in my gut. An apology was not the reason I had asked. I didn't care that he'd left. That didn't matter. He did what had to be done. I didn't blame him for it.

But then his lips were at the hollow beneath my ear and I forgot the guilt, allowing my eyes to slide shut as pleasurable tingles rained down my spine. "Bella, I want you to be mine…and I want to belong to you." He kissed the skin of my neck, making me shiver. "Forever, if you'll have me."

My lips found his ear as he kissed down my neck. I tried again. "Let's go upstairs." This time I succeeded. My legs disappeared from under me and I laughed too loudly in the darkness as Edward dashed for the staircase. I found myself thinking of the phrase 'old habits die hard'. I didn't need to be carried.

But he was smiling too as he kissed me down the hall of the second floor of Tanya's house, kicking open the door to the master bedroom that was practically never used. That's when we stopped, our sharp intake of breath audible as the moonlight illuminated the room through the window. I took my face away from his just for the moment, just to gawk at it.

Rose pedals littered the room from the floor to every visible surface. The dresser, the windowsill…the bed. The room smelled of a wonderful floral aroma, candles burning on the dresser top. I let my jaw fall open ever so slightly as I stared at the beauty of it all. I felt my heart flutter in my chest. Before I was aware of it, I was whispering to myself, as though Edward were no where in the room. "I guess Alice kept herself busy…" I murmured, so low that I had doubted his chances of hearing. I'd assumed wrong.

His ochre eyes snapped to my face suddenly, his expression turning to one of astonishment. "Alice?" He repeated, his voice heavy with the thirst for an explanation.

I looked at him and nodded. "Edward, I have so much to tell you…" my voice trailed off as my head swam with the sweetness of his breath. He'd moved closer.

"Yes," he agreed in the lowest of tender whispers. "But not right now." Then his lips were on mine again, making speaking impossible. They moved so softly, but so seriously against mine, pushing me gently toward the bed. I complied, totally and completely willing. I took a few steps back, smiling suddenly under his lips. Then I did something almost comically unexpected.

Grasping the collar of his shirt in both of my hands, I spun him around me, using his weight against him as I thrust him backwards onto the bed. I heard him laugh and it spurred me on. His laugh had been one of the things I had missed most dearly. Now that I had it back, I didn't want to waste it.

I leapt onto the bed after him, laughing as well at the shower of rose pedals that rained down around us as a result of the impact on the bed springs. This was the happiest I had ever been. The best night of my life, by far. But there was no need to tell him that. He knew.

I crawled up to where he was lying on his back, stopping only when my face hovered directly over his, my legs on either side of his waist. Then I collapsed onto his chest, sinking into the remarkable sensation of his arms around me, tracing the lines of my back as I kissed him, my lips parting with a passionate urgency I had never experienced before. I let my tongue trace the outline of his perfect lips, tasting the sweetness of him. Oh how I had missed him. He would never have any idea what a wonderful feeling his mere presence brought me. I had him back. And I wanted to keep him.

"I love you," I somehow managed to whisper between kisses, although my breath was unsteady almost to the point where it became incoherent. "So much…never stop…"

I could feel him shaking his head ever so slightly. "I won't," he vowed in a quick breath around my lips. "Not tonight. Not ever."

Something was surging in my veins like I had never felt before. Venom? It tempted a heat to the surface of my skin, boiling it wherever it touched his. My head was filled with the smooth honey of his voice, the sweetness of his breath. His _taste_. The tender affection of his touch. He rolled gently, pressing me carefully into the mattress. I remembered our engagement night. I seemed so long ago now…

And yet here we were, back where we had started. Full circle. Only so many things had changed since then. This time I was stronger. This time he wanted it without question…this time…no one was going to stop. Not ever. The notion sent my breathing into a wild gasp of anticipation. Excitement. The night was here. The night I had been dreaming about for so long. There would be time to talk later. In the not-too-distant future. For the present was ours. To have and to hold. Not to be taken for granted.

My hands twisted the buttons of his shirt out of their fabric confines, liberating his chest. He let me do it, unafraid, no longer hesitant in the least. His lips moved to my throat as I let my hands travel the perfect, marble planes of his chest. He truly was perfect. Too perfect for me. Too perfect for this moment. I didn't deserve him. And yet he was here, with me. Somehow I had to believe in miracles. There weren't words to describe how badly I wanted this.

I squared myself beneath him, my motives soaring at the gentle, willing way that he held himself over me, still careful not to hurt me in the least no matter how unbreakable I might be. His hands seized my face, urgent, but still achingly gentle as he pulled my mouth back to his. There was something brand new in his kiss. Something I had never felt before in the entirety of our time together. Then I realized it wasn't _something. _It was the _absence _of _something_. Reluctance. The absence of reluctance. He had no reason to stop and he didn't intend to. He'd told me before, but it was only now that I truly believed it. I felt in his touch. His every move. We'd passed the point of no return. And he was happy about it. Really and truly happy. There was no hesitance in his actions in the least. No conflict. The decision was pure for once. We never had to hold back again and we weren't going to. We were going to do this.

The thrill of it all was an unexpected high and I broke away momentarily, gasping for air, my normally cool body suddenly overheating. He took advantage of the brief moment of distance between our lips. Tenderly, and almost unnaturally slowly, he pulled my shirt over my head, disposing of it – his movements faster now – as he returned his hands to my now bare sides and around my back. I didn't gasp with raw shock the way I had the night of our engagement. That night his hands had been so cold on my skin. Now, to me, they felt warm. Gentle. This was not a new step for us. He had seen me in only my bra before. I was the one to push it further, crossing the line to unfamiliar territory.

I pushed his already undone shirt down his arms and off of him completely, relishing the feeling of his hard, perfect chest under my hands as I slid them up his smooth skin to his neck, pulling his face back to mine without any difficulty at all.

Again, I felt the overpowering urge to cry as I felt his lips moving lovingly against mine. I just barely felt it as he gracefully slid the covers out from under us before pulling them up to drape over our entangled forms. I liked this. Now all around me was Edward. Nothing but him. Just the way it should be. Only what mattered most. Him. And for some, miraculous reason, unfathomable to even me, he wanted to be with me.

Moving more tentatively now, I moved my lips to his ear and I felt his go to my neck again, kissing softly but very urgently down the bare skin to my shoulder. "Thank you," I whispered, my breath trembling against his skin as I wrapped one arm around his neck.

I could swear I heard a smile in his voice as he finally spoke in return, his voice hardly more than a purr against my collarbone. "For what?" He half-whispered, his honey-smooth voice melting with tenderness as he left a trail of kisses back up to the spot just under my jaw. I let my head fall back slightly at his irresistible touch.

"Coming back." I just managed to get the words out coherently. I was slowly falling into a haze like I had never experienced. I was vaguely aware of the fact that what remained of our clothes had come off under the covers. This was it. What I had been waiting for for so long. What _we _had been waiting for. Our life. Together. Finally.

Edward's lips left my skin for the briefest of moments, hovering over my face again as he looked down at me through smoldering eyes. Somehow, he managed to speak much more clearly than I ever could. "Bella, I love you." His golden eyes found mine and I melted at the ache of longing they seemed to be burdened with. "There was no way I ever _couldn't _come back. You are my life." He kissed my face, my eyelids as I closed them. "You are perfect."

I tried to argue. This made no sense. He was the perfect one. He was always the perfect one. But my words were lost on his breath. The incredible, sweet fragrance of it as it filled my mouth and closed over my lips. All too suddenly, speaking – let alone arguing – became impossible.

His hands were in my hair, brushing it back from both sides of my face with astonishing placidness. The kindness of his touch didn't match the heat of the moment. He was amazing. I couldn't detach myself the same way. Suddenly overwhelmingly eager, I grasped his arms, pulling him closer before my hands went to his back as he fell onto me, holding me just as closely, just as lovingly.

Then we became one. One beautiful being more perfect than either of us could ever be on our own. Even him. I had never known such beauty in my impossibly short eighteen – almost nineteen now – years. The first time I pointed to a rainbow as a child. The first time I saw a whale crashing into the ocean on television. Even the first time I had laid eyes on Edward's remarkable face. None of it could compare to this first time. This was more beauty than my mind knew what to do with.

I held onto him, wanting him more than ever. I wanted to be a part of him. Even more so than I was now. I wanted to have him. Forever. I tried to talk. I tried to tell him that. It didn't work. The words never made it past my throat. They came out in a poorly stifled gasp.

My hands trailed over his marble skin, running from his back down to his chest and shoulders again before making the circuit a second time. His hands were still framing my face as he kissed my lips again and again, breaking away for unsteady breaths every now and then for the briefest of moments before they crushed together again. Between kisses, I heard him whisper my name.

The grace of it was astonishing. I'd never expected this. I knew it was something only vampires could manage. It had to be. It was like a dance, beautiful and perfectly in synch. Perfect in every way. I felt as though I had to hold onto him. As though if I didn't I might fall away from the face of the earth. As though he was the only thing keeping me from heaven itself, if I wasn't there already. He grounded me, kept me from soaring away into the great beyond. He could always keep me. As far as I was concerned, I was his. For all of eternity. He could have me. I _wanted _to be his. Only his. Forever.

At some point – I didn't notice exactly when – his lips moved to my throat for the thousandth time that night and he kissed around the back of my neck, bringing his beautiful shoulder to my lips. I kissed it, suddenly wanting to kiss every part of him as I hugged him more tightly to me, raising my chin over his shoulder and resting it there, closing my eyes as I held him.

His hands had gone from my hair to my back, pulling me closer still and I relished the sensation. The incredible feeling of closeness. I had never been so close to him in the entirety of the time we'd known each other, as I'd always wanted to be. A part of him. We were a part of each other. And I never wanted it to end.

I wanted to kiss him again. Or maybe say something. But soon my jaw felt as though it had been hinged open. I couldn't speak. Couldn't move anything except for the purpose of moving with him. _Dancing _with him. Like that night we'd danced with Tanya and her family. It had been new, riveting. This was a thousand times better than that could have ever been.

One of his hands had moved back up into my hair, cradling my head against him affectionately as his other arm encircled my waist, moving so gently that I hardly noticed the change. I could hear his breathing, unsteady with the same sensation – no doubt – in which I was feeling.

It was surreal. As though I was either dreaming – which was impossible so I had to accept the second option – or everything had changed so dramatically that my part-human part-beast mind hadn't possessed the capacity to register it yet. I didn't believe it. Couldn't. This couldn't be happening. Dreams didn't just come true. That was reserved for cheesy fantasies. But my life _was _a fantasy. And my dreams _were _coming true. Because of him.

Somehow I found my voice as my body and his worked together, driving us into a wild explosion of fireworks like I had never seen. I threw my head back on the pillow, crying out with the sheer delight and exhilaration of it as I gripped his arms with enough force to shatter human bones. "_Edward_." This was all I managed to get out. His lips covered mine too quickly, compelling me over the edge as they moved with a sudden desperation. They were no longer gentle. There was a brand new edge to them like I had never felt before. This kiss was different than any other. Not like the infamous 'goodbye' kisses he'd given me more than once in the past. And not at all like the tenderness of all those 'good morning' kisses or 'it's going to be okay' kisses. No. This was more like our first kiss. Only he was the one delivering the rash eagerness of it. And it was met with my own, clashing from both sides.

I locked my arms around his neck as the high slowly began to dim. The kiss lingered, softening with the prospect of peace. It transformed into a tender caress so slow and loving that I had no choice but to sink into it, my head swimming with every sensation from dizziness to overwhelming joy. All too suddenly I could feel a smile on his lips and soon it was met with one of my own. I couldn't keep it at bay much longer. It broke my face nearly from ear to ear as his mouth finally pulled away from mine, kissing up the line of my nose to my forehead, where it stopped, planting a single, lengthy, loving kiss on the smooth skin just below my hairline.

This kiss lasted for the longest of seconds, our bodies suddenly still, the only sound our heavy breathing. For the longest time I focused only on inhaling and exhaling, breathing in the incredible aroma of his neck as his lips lingered on my forehead.

When they broke away, he moved back down to my chest and rested his ear over my stagnant heart, no doubt enjoying the feeling of my breathing as it lifted his head slightly and then let it fall in the most graceful of motions. I kissed his auburn strands briefly before I rested my cheek against them, still working to catch my breath. Edward's arms were around my waist, holding me as he panted.

I was the one to find my voice first. I had to say it. "Edward, I love you," I whispered breathlessly against his hair and suddenly the phrase took on an entirely _new _meaning. Something concrete and final as though our love had hit an entirely fresh level.

He turned his head, resting his chin over my collar bone so he could look up at my face. He grinned crookedly, making it that much harder to slow my breathing. He drew in a deep breath himself. "You are by far the most amazing creature I have ever met," he whispered in the half-darkness, his face only illuminated by the candles that were still burning in one corner of the room, although they had melted down a great deal since we'd first seen them.

Suddenly Edward propped himself up on his elbows, shifting his weight forward so his face hovered over mine and the edge of the covers were draped just over the crown of his head, sheltering most of both of us together. With my eyes only on him now, the room seemed to have stopped spinning. I let my smile speak for itself as he cupped my face between his hands again, his thumbs brushing ever so gently at the skin of my cheeks. His eyes drank me in, smoldering.

Too abruptly though, they obtained a concerned quality. His smile faded a little. "Did I hurt you?" He demanded to know, his eyes suddenly taking on a gravity like I had never seen. He was demanding more than an answer. He was demanding the truth. He would know if I tried to lie. Fortunately, I didn't have to.

My solid smile broadened as I looked at him, god-like and flawless as ever in the darkness. I told him the exact truth, honest and complete without missing a word of how I was feeling at the moment. "Edward," I whispered sincerely, my voice holding the seal of a vow, "I have never felt safer or happier than right here, in your arms." It sounded cheesy as it escaped my lips, but it was the truth. Unwavering. Complete. This would never change.

Under the covers, with only the fraction of firelight intermingling with the darkness, with only Edward with me, around me, I felt more protected and loved than I had ever before. As though my entire life meant nothing up until this point. As though I was only just realizing why life was worth living. What the point of love was. It suddenly all made some kind of wonderful sense and I wanted to be a part of it. It made everything worth it. Everything. All the pain and suffering, the torture and heart-ache we'd been through both together and apart. It made it all alright when I considered how much I loved Edward.

His incredible voice seemed to echo my thoughts, almost making me doubt his inability to read them. "You know I never thought I could love you more than I did just yesterday. A few _hours _ago even." His eyes smoldered as he looked at me, his thumbs still stroking the skin of my face affectionately. "But somehow I do." His lips fell onto mine then one more time, tender and soft now, without the edge of urgency and passion. This kiss was colored only with love. Pure and simple. Ours.

His lips lingered on mine for a long moment, unmoving before he finally broke away again. "I am the luckiest man in the world," he marveled at once as though he was still having difficulty understanding how.

I closed my eyes and leaned into his touch, letting his hands support my head while I thanked God for the inability to fall asleep. I didn't want to leave him now for the world of dreams anyway. He was the best dream anyone could ever have. He truly was perfect. And I never wanted to leave him for anything.

I turned my head a little in his grasp, just enough to kiss the palm of one of his hands as it held my face. I kissed it again before I spoke, reopening my eyes to look at him. "Can we get married tomorrow?" I asked quietly, my voice barely audible in the darkness.

I heard him laugh softly and his crooked smile suddenly looked more brilliant to me than it ever had before. "If you want. I would marry you here and now if we had a minister – although that may be a bit of an awkward situation…"

I didn't laugh. I was busy thinking. "A minister…" I murmured more to myself than him. "And a florist and a band and a caterer – not that we need food, I suppose, but the guests…the _guests_…" my mind was slowly going on overload.

Edward's fingers grew firm suddenly on my face as he turned my head ever so gently to look at him, his eyes sending my head swimming with soothing thoughts. The wave of panic died down immediately. "We'll worry about all that tomorrow," he crooned softly, a mere inch from my face again. "Right now I just want _you_." His glassy-smooth lips fell down to my ear and I felt myself relax as his chest fell onto mine, his arms around me.

I had to laugh. "Again?" I squeaked as his movements suddenly took on a second eager edge. I heard him growl softly in my ear, a low, pleasurable sound deep in his throat. Nothing like the angry snarls I so often heard in my head or when he felt the need to protect me. Nothing like that at all.

"If only, love," he whispered, his lips brushing tenderly against the outline of my ear, making me shiver. "You are more irresistible than you give yourself credit for, but right now there are other matters that need addressing." His lips came away from my ear and he drew back to look into my face again.

I raised my eyebrows. "Such as?"

"Do you have any idea what you put me through today?" His expression was an entirely new one all of a sudden, his forehead creasing purposefully as he thought about the overpowering concern he'd no doubt felt for me earlier today.

I visibly winced at the sudden edge in his voice, guilt gouging at that already tender spot in my gut. "I really am sorry about that," I told him earnestly, my eyes dropping to a spot on his chest, well out of the way of his eyes. "I don't know what came over me. I guess…I guess I just thought…"

"Shh." His gentle fingers were at my lips suddenly, making me look back up at him. I was surprised to find that his expression wasn't one of reprimand, but affection instead. "I know what you thought," he assured me quietly, the kindest of smiles bordering his words. "You thought Charlie needed you. That _Forks _needed you. So you did what you had to do. You didn't think. You just did what your heart told you was right."

I stared at him for a long moment, taken aback.

He laughed. "You forget how well I know you, love," he chuckled quietly. "But these are the things that I love most about you. You are so brave and so selfless – more than I could ever say for myself –"

_I beg to differ. _

"– and you care. Even after everything that's happened you still care about the people you aren't ever obligated to see again. I would never have the courage to do what you did. To leave your family and the safety of your home to protect people that are hardly part of your life anymore." His eyes were so kind, so gentle. Something was missing. _He _was missing something. I could see it. Then it hit me. He thought I'd failed. And he was glad for it. Well, I supposed there was no way to dodge this bullet. It was one that had to be taken for the sake of honesty.

"Edward, I found her," I muttered quietly but very clearly so I wouldn't have to repeat myself.

His expression hardened. "Who?"

I wondered who he thought I was referring to, but then, I could tell him about Alice later. Now I had to get this out. "Victoria." The name came out in a whisper.

His touch changed. Everything about him changed all too suddenly. I felt every line of his body tense against mine. His eyes hardened to unreadable stone as he stared into my face, his hands abruptly taking on a protective edge like I had never felt as they clutched my face. "You did?"

Slowly, I nodded. I wasn't ready to explain yet.

"What happened?"

Now I had to explain. "I…I took care of her." My eyes fell from his face again, a little ashamed of the fact that there was one less vampire in the world because of me. But now his touch changed another time, melting suddenly with a warmth and relief that jump started my breathing again.

"Bella," he whispered, placing his fingertips beneath my chin gently so he could lift my gaze to meet his again, "did she hurt you?" There it was again. That demand in his eyes for the truth. I gave it to him.

"No," I replied resolutely. But then the look in his eyes made me rethink my explanation. Guilt overrode me again. I knew how much he wanted Victoria dead. I knew how badly he'd wanted to do it himself. I knew he was suppressing the pride that he felt that I'd done it instead. I couldn't let him think that way. It wasn't honest. My words gushed out in a breathless disarray. "But Edward, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry…"

His eyebrows knit together on his forehead, perplexed. "For what, love?"

"I didn't kill her." My voice was strained suddenly, as though I would have been crying if I could. I was ashamed of this fact more than the fact that she was dead. I knew Edward would have wanted me to kill her. It was what he would have done. But I didn't. I was too much of a coward.

Edward looked even more confused than he had a moment ago. "But you just said –"

"I gave her to Jacob," I blubbered. "To the wolves. I let _them _kill her. Edward, I'm so sorry! I couldn't do it! Any other vampire would have! I should have! I had her! She was right there and I could have…but I didn't…" My face and voice fell. "I was too weak."

"No." His voice was soft suddenly, his eyes melting to match it as he pulled my gaze back to his again, his hands framing my face a second time as his eyes ran over my features. He shook his head. "No, Bella." He brushed a stray strand of my dark hair out of my eyes. "You are stronger than anyone I have ever met. I am so proud of you."

My eyes snapped to his. I was confused. "What?"

"You're right. Any other vampire would have killed her. _I _would have killed her."

I grimaced.

"That isn't an easy opportunity to pass up, but you did. Even after everything she's done to you, to _us_, you still didn't take the chance to tear her apart when it was given to you."

I was still confused. He was saying these things as though they were good. I didn't understand.

"Bella, you are different than the rest of us. I knew that from the moment I met you. You love instead of hate. You fight for peace instead of revenge or you don't fight at all. And that is why I love you so much."

Now I understood.

"I don't think you realize how much you and Esme were truly alike." The words made me cringe. That couldn't be true. But Edward pressed on, relentless. "She was the same way you know. Too smart for war. For killing. She always looked at the bigger picture, at what truly mattered. You do it too. I've seen it."

After that I didn't say anything for a long moment. I thought about what Edward had said. About Esme. That's when I remembered something I had meant to speak to Edward about.

"I started hearing them again," I whispered, no longer afraid to tell him anything. "The voices."

There was a smile in his voice when he spoke again. "I thought there was only one voice," he murmured, a hint of amusement in his tone.

I smiled too a little and nodded. "There used to be," I whispered in return, unafraid, "but Edward, while I was in Forks something happened and…I started hearing Esme too." I looked up at his face, waiting for the reaction. But it wasn't one I had ever expected.

Edward merely nodded, seeming thoughtful but not surprised in the least. "That makes sense."

I raised my eyebrows, a little indignant. "It does?"

"Yes. You two were so much alike, it makes perfect sense that she would hang around you of all people."

Now I thought my eyebrows were about to disappear into my hairline. My expression changed to one of sudden skepticism. "You think it was really her?" I confirmed cynically, not really asking a question as much as repeating it for the mere sake of allowing him to hear it out loud. And I thought _I _was the crazy one.

But Edward merely shrugged, unphased. "Who knows?" He muttered casually in the darkness. "No one really knows what happens to vampires after they die, Bella. Some believe they simply continue on to whatever place humans venture to in the afterlife. Some believe they are damned for all of eternity –"

"Like you."

Edward shrugged again. "Maybe," he replied. "I'm not so sure anymore. But some believe they hang around, you know. I've heard legends of peaceful, good-natured vampires that never cross over. They recognize the fact that their loved ones need them and so they stay, invisible to us, but still palpable in presence…"

I had to laugh at this, unable to hold at bay the recognition in the back of my mind any longer. "You sound like Jacob and his pack of superstitious wolf-men," I giggled, only praying that he wouldn't take offense to this. Of course he did, but to my relief, no hurt was evident on his perfect face as I had expected.

"I do, do I?" He chuckled, thoughtful.

I sighed. I had to tell him this too. There was _so _much to talk about! "I talked to Jacob too while I was there," I told him quietly. "Before I met up with Victoria."

All too abruptly, Edward's eyes widened and his smile became one of disbelief instead of disappearing into an expression of horror as I had expected. "Could you have gotten yourself into any _more _trouble while I was away?" He exclaimed, rolling gently off of me so we were side-by-side on the bed, his arms still around me.

I laughed. "I'm a danger magnet without you around to steer me straight, you know that."

He nodded. "Only too well," he acknowledged. "So what happened with Jacob?" There was that sudden edge to his eyes again, only this time it seemed less potent. He was concerned, but not as profoundly. He'd realized I'd done a fair enough job of taking care of myself.

My voice was confident and resolute as I answered, determined to make Edward see the same thing I had Jacob. "We talked," I told him slowly, speaking very clearly. "And we realized that this whole war was just stupid…Victoria was a peace offering. I knew they wanted her… They won't be bothering us anymore."

My eyes strayed to Edward's, waiting, uncertain. Finally, though he sighed, seeming relieved. "You are amazing," he told me quietly. "Because of you, it's all over now. It's done."

I had to smile a little. It _was _done. All over. It was okay to breathe again. To be together. To celebrate. To laugh and smile without feeling guilty for doing so. To be free.

I snuggled closer against Edward's chest, enjoying the feeling of his arms around me. A part of me wasn't entirely certain still if this was real. It _could _be just a really wonderful dream…

"There's something else," I murmured into his skin, my voice muffled.

I could hear the surprise in his tone. "More?"

I nodded against him. "Yes." My voice disappeared into a whisper now. "We have to have the wedding in Forks. I promised Charlie he could walk me down the aisle."

"_Charlie_?" There was a shock in Edward's voice now like I had never heard. I stiffened against him but he pulled me away a little by the arms, just enough to look me in the eye. "You actually _spoke _with Charlie?"

I nodded. "Yes."

"And you didn't…?"

I shook my head.

Edward pulled me against him again, embracing me tightly against his chest as I felt him kiss my hair. "I love you so much," he whispered just inches above my ear. "I don't know how you did it, but I am so proud of you."

I smiled. That was the second time tonight. "I think it was because of you, Edward," I whispered in return.

"Me?" I could almost hear him raising his eyebrows.

"Yes. Like you said, I'm not like most vampires," I explained. "Most vampires are born out of hate or hostility or thirst. You changed me because you loved me. Somehow, I think that made it easier for me to leave Charlie – not to mention the rest of Forks – alive. I knew I had something worth fighting for. So I didn't let myself give in. I had you to love me. Unlike most vampires, I had something to lose."

Suddenly my shoulders were squaring against the mattress again, Edward's upper body pushing me into it as he rolled so he could look into my face. "Bella," he whispered, his eyes intense, "even if you had murdered the entire population, I would have still loved you. I will _always _love you. You have no idea what it felt like to know you were in danger again. I left thinking you were safe and then…" He stopped and rephrased. "Carlisle had to leave without me. By the time I got to the airport I found myself wondering if you were already dead. And then I came in and you were there…just lying there by the fire as though there had always been peace on earth. No war or turmoil. Nothing. I never expected to find you like that…" his voice changed then, lightening a little. "It was certainly a pleasant surprise."

I grinned, looking up at him meaningfully. "I can think of another pleasant surprise you've got coming your way," I half-whispered.

He raised his eyebrows, waiting.

"Alice is back," I told him, doing a poor job of suppressing the glee in my voice. "I met up with her in Forks. She was coming to find us but…some things got in her way. She's out hunting with everyone else."

Edward laughed loudly, picking one of the rose pedals from the sheets and examining it for a long moment between his fingers. "So I suppose that explains this," he murmured thoughtfully, his voice amused. Then his eyes went back to my face. "Is there anything else you wish to tell me or can I get back to kissing you again?"

I couldn't keep the smile off of my features as I feigned consideration. "Nope, that's it," I answered finally. I quieted then, waiting. This was all I wanted. Now that the necessities were out of the way, I just wanted to be with him. Alone. Together. Finally. We could breathe again.

He brushed a couple of strands of my hair behind one ear with the hand he held the rose pedal in, smiling crookedly as he weaved it into my hair with his fingers. He cupped my face in his hands. "So," he sighed after a moment, "do you feel like becoming my wife soon?"

I smiled as well as he slowly closed the distance between our lips. "I do."

**Author's Note: We've still got at least two more chapters to go I think… I'll tell you what. When the story is over, I promise you will know, but just in case, I will write THE END at the bottom of it. LOL. **


	47. Chapter 47: Written In Dust

**Chapter 47: Written In Dust**

"Okay then, it's settled," Alice ticked off another check on her Maid-of-Honor clipboard as she sat with Jasper on the couch, her voice not entirely matching the enthusiasm of her words. "Carlisle will be officiating –" Carlisle shot her an approving thumbs-up from where he stood at the opposite end of the room, "– and I've already worked out the food, the flowers, Tanya's agreed to sing and the rest of her family make up the wedding band…" she scribbled graceful checkmarks down the side of her page as she spoke. Finally though, she seemed to relax and look up again. "Now, Bella," she sighed heavily, "all I need from you is the guest list."

My eyes darted to Edward's almost immediately, looking slightly mortified as I realized I had no guest list at all. His arms tightened around me and I relaxed back in his lap after a moment, unconcerned. Of course. None of it mattered when we were getting married. All I needed was Edward and an ordained minister and I was good to go, but of course Alice had insisted on working out the most meticulous details of the ceremony. I let her do it. It wasn't often she got the chance to plan a dream wedding and besides, I comforted myself as I watched her torn expression, perhaps this would help get her mind off of other matters.

"Well, Alice," I sighed in return after a brief moment of thought, "with all of you in the wedding party and Tanya's family working as the band, I'm afraid the only guest I can think of is my father, and he will be walking me down the aisle."

Alice looked up at me from under her lashes, her features unreadable. "What about your mother?" She asked.

I felt my breathing freeze in my throat and for the longest of moments I went as still as a stone statue. Finally, though, I found my voice. "Oh my God, my mother," I whispered, my eyes fixed on nothing in particular. I had completely forgotten about Renee! The last I'd thought of her had been during my conversation with Charlie in Forks. After that she had completely eluded my mind. Did she even know about the wedding? Had Charlie called her after I'd returned home for the last time? I supposed he must have. I would have to call her myself at some point. She would be hurt if she wasn't invited. Not that I hadn't hurt her enough already, but I had to do what I could to make up for it, didn't I? It was the least I could do, even if I was destined never to see her again after this.

"I'll call her," I promised Alice quickly, my eyes still hard as they lay on the spot where I had fixed them when the horrifying truth had hit me.

Alice nodded once, ticking off another check on her clipboard. I couldn't help but notice the absence of a smile as she went through the motions. Her normally bubbly, excitable nature seemed to have gone on sabbatical for the moment as she worked. These infinite plans should have thrilled her, I knew. But needless to say, there didn't seem to be much hope of that now. At least not yet.

Edward was the one to chime in next. "Now, Alice," he called her attention back to him as he rested his chin over the bridge of my shoulder, his tone suddenly thoughtful, "would it be alright for me to have just two groom's men?"

Alice didn't look up from her clipboard as she scribbled something else down. "Edward, you can have anything you want," she replied a little mechanically as she wrote. "It's your wedding."

Despite her somewhat lifeless tone, Edward grinned crookedly and allowed his deep ochre eyes to stray to my face. "I couldn't pick a best man," he explained a little sheepishly in my ear. "It would have been Carlisle, but he's officiating so it was between Emmett and Jasper." He shrugged. "Naturally, I couldn't decide. Although it was certainly fun watching them campaign for it," he added, a hint of amusement flickering across his already overjoyed features.

I laughed quietly as well before turning my eyes back to Alice. "Oh, Bella, that reminds me," she was saying already, hardly seeming to have heard her brother in the least, "I looked out bride's maids' dresses and I picked out three that I think you'll really like…"

My smile faded a little and I resisted the urge to glance to Edward for help, although my head angled slightly in his direction. I had to say it. My voice darkened, suddenly a little sullen. "Uh…just two, Alice," I corrected her quietly, a little uncertain.

I could see the effort on Alice's face as she worked to conceal the ripple of longing that coursed through her then. She did well, but I saw it in her eyes, even as she closed them and quickly shook her head, feigning amusement with herself. "Of course," she laughed after a long moment, swallowing hard as she said it. "Of course, two. That's what I meant…"

But the hurt was evident in her silvery voice. It was a blow that was difficult to recover from, however small. She did her best to shake it off. Anyone could see it was a wasted effort. She took a deep breath, which quickly turned into an exasperated sigh. "Right…and Bella, as for your dress…uh…" She was struggling. I had to help her.

"Alice, we don't have to do this now," I told her gently, standing out of Edward's lap and gliding across the room to where she sat. Tentatively, I seated myself on the opposite side of her from Jasper, laying a kind hand of understanding on her tense shoulder.

But she quickly shook her head, plastering a completely fake content smile on her features. "No, I'm fine," she assured me hastily, shaking her head a second time. "Really." But her eyes relayed a different message. I knew how difficult this must be for her, planning a wedding without Esme in it or even without her around to help. The two of them would have been unstoppable designing a fantasy wedding together. I couldn't imagine how it must have felt for Alice to be doing it alone.

"Are you sure?" I questioned after a long, tense moment. I gestured to the clipboard with my free hand. "Because this can wait. We're not in any rush. We don't have to worry about all this now if you need some more time…" I let my voice trail off, uncertain, but again, Alice was already shaking her head.

"No," she protested, more seriously this time as her expression finally seemed to acknowledge her true feelings. "You and Edward have already put off your wedding long enough because of me and I don't want to make you wait any longer on my account. I'm going to make sure you get married as quickly as possible and I'm going to do it right, so…" she returned her eyes to the page in front of her, willing herself to refocus. "Where were we? Right. Your wedding dress…I had some ideas –"

"Actually, Bella," Carlisle interjected suddenly from the opposite side of the room. I looked up, surprised, "may I speak to you alone for a moment?"

The words took me off-guard, but I managed the smallest of mystified smiles as I let them register. "Oh," I said slowly, nodding as I stood from the couch. "Yes, of course." I stood there for a moment, unmoving as my eyes darted briefly to Edward's, which held a cluelessness that confirmed he knew nothing on the subject, but he nodded once just the same, as if to reassure me it was alright.

I nodded minutely as well and stepped forward, following my future father-in-law from the room. Outstretching one arm to me in offering, he draped it across my shoulders and led me into the stairwell, where we began climbing. "First and foremost, Bella, I wanted to apologize," he told me quietly as he led me up the seemingly endless spiral steps.

My eyes went to his face, more than bemused. "Apologize?" I repeated, baffled by the unexpected icebreaker.

But he nodded, turning his eyes to the path ahead. "Yes," he replied, his voice friendly. "I'm afraid I've been…distant lately."

A comprehending smile shattered my mask of confusion. "You're entitled," I told him meaningfully.

He nodded. "Maybe," he acknowledged with a heavy-hearted sigh, "but that doesn't excuse everything I've put my family through. Put _you _through. Not even close. And I'm sorry. I can't even begin to explain every notion, every thought that passed through my mind within the past few weeks…every time I parried back and forth between the indecision. How to feel. What to say. What matters were important enough to consider addressing. Even now I haven't come to a true decision, but I felt there was something I needed to share with you before I made up my mind for good…"

I stared at Carlisle as we walked, listening quietly. He wasn't making a whole lot of sense at the moment, but I was open-minded enough to pay attention, waiting.

I hardly noticed when we passed the second and third floor, venturing to a new level in the house that I had yet to discover.

We reached the top of the ancient staircase, a platform without a continuation that opened onto an entirely unfamiliar floor. I glanced around. The level was mostly vacant, with a few bedrooms and not half as many decorations littering the walls as there had been on the lower levels. No mirrors or paintings or vases housing bouquets of wildflowers. It looked as though it were only on rare occasion that one of the family members or guests ventured up here.

My exploration, however, was short-lived as Carlisle then led me to what appeared to be a closet before he carefully grasped the turn-of-the-century doorknob and drew open the door to unveil a smaller, less majestic flight of stairs, uncarpeted and colored a expressionless white as they led up into another region invisible to my current perspective.

This staircase was steep and narrow, walled on either side as it left only enough room for one occupant at a time. I followed closely behind Carlisle, accepting a hand from him as we reached the top and he pulled me through a trap door of sorts, steadying me considerately on my feet as I looked around, stunned at where we had ended up.

It was an attic. A setting too…_human_ for a house full of vampires. But it was here, dusty and consisting of little more than rafters and beams, white sheets and ancient-looking crates, some that appeared as though they could have been centuries old. It was human, but more…authentic. Less cardboard more hand-carpentered wood. More…forgotten.

And it was bigger. Much bigger than any human attic I had ever seen. It looked as though I were seeing the entire stretch of the mansion itself, unseparated and downsized by walls and rooms. It was all one, large, open space, long and vast, seemingly endless at points. The slope of the roof was visible over our heads, leaving more than enough room to stand, although it was dark. There weren't any lights in this portion of the house. The only light penetrating the inevitable darkness of the attic was streaming in from only a single window on either side of the roof, illuminating the leisurely circulating drifts of dust in the stale air.

Carlisle stepped skillfully over one of the beams in the floor, making his way toward the nearest window. I hung back from the jet of white light for a moment, examining my surroundings with a curiosity I hadn't felt in the longest of times. Despite the abandoned atmosphere of it, it was unnaturally clean. The dust was the only form of evidence behind the timeless authenticity. I was able to spot only a couple of cobwebs in the corners of the rafters, but otherwise it was virtually free of inhabitants. I was surprised not to encounter any form of rat or field mouse as I walked. It wasn't as though they'd heard us coming and clambered away into their cramped, darkened hiding places. We would have heard them first. There was nothing up here. Not critter or scavenger. Nothing but dust and forgotten memories, by the look of it.

What could possibly be the purpose of bringing me up here?

Carlisle had knelt on the floor by the light of the window, sifting through a particular stack of crates until he found what must have been what he was looking for. "Did I ever tell you Esme and I were married here in Denali?" He inquired as he shifted one of the heavier crates out of the way without much difficulty.

I knelt next to him on the floor, no longer concerned about the dust that would no doubt cake the knees of my jeans. "No," I murmured quietly, my eyebrows lifting a little in surprise.

Carlisle nodded slowly and dragged one of the smaller crated out between us, where he set it to rest. "Tanya married us," he went on to explain, his eyes growing fond at the memory. I could feel the beginnings of a vision dancing around the edges of my mind, but I held it at bay for the moment. I wanted to hear this from him. "And afterwards I had her keep something for me – which I suppose was a good thing since if I had kept it myself it would have been destroyed with the house. I never could have beared it if that were to happen." He was prying at the lid of the crate, sending an entirely fresh spray of dust into the air as his ivory fingers tugged at the wood and nails. Anyone else would have had to use a pry bar or a hammer, but he didn't seem to have much difficulty reopening it with only his bare hands.

"Anyway I want you to have it," he told me sincerely as he finally uprooted the nails that held the lid in place, stirring the dust in the air a second time. "And I think she would have wanted you to too." He pushed the lid of the crate carefully to one side, letting it clatter to the attic floor with a gentle tap that seemed to echo for years in the ancient rafters of the house around us.

I gazed down at the contents of it. The inside of the crate was impeccably clean, sealed for decades without letting a speck of dust in, it seemed. Untouched. As were the contents. Unweathered by the passing years. Simply left to sit, frozen in time, it seemed, as flawless and immaculate as though it were brand new, just waiting for someone to return for it.

But the impossibly perfect condition of it wasn't what made me gasp as my eyes drank it in. It was the meaning behind the gift. The meaning that made me want to cry more than anything I had felt within the past couple of months. "Oh, Carlisle," I croaked as he pulled the dress from the confines of the box, holding up what he could of it to show me. My hands flew to my mouth, stifling a gasp as I realized what he was trying to do. What I wasn't going to _let _him do.

"Take it," he ordered me softly, a knowing smile on his perfect lips. "She would have loved to see you in it. It should fit…"

But I was already shaking my head, solidly set against accepting a gift so incredibly heart-felt. My voice was broken when I found it again. "Carlisle…I…I can't –"

"Yes you can," he told me, his voice growing more serious as he dropped the dress back into the crate and took my face fiercely between his hands, forcing me to look at him. "I've given this a lot of thought, Bella," he half-whispered in the dim light of the attic, "and I realized that there was no point in you going looking for a wedding dress when I knew we had a perfectly good one here that you would love…" his irresistible voice was trailing off. He was gauging my reaction, waiting for my next words. But I still didn't know what they would be myself.

His hands fell from my face and my eyes darted back and forth between his handsome features and Esme's wedding dress, trying to piece it together. I couldn't. None of it made any sense. How could he possibly want me to wear that? What good could it do? I just barely formed the words in a coherent enough manner. "But…_why_?" I demanded after a long moment, my hands finally falling away from my face.

Carlisle understood the question immediately. He smiled, only succeeding in confusing me further. "Because there is no one in this world that reminds me more of Esme than you." His voice had dimmed to a whisper and his hand was on my shoulder again, trying to sooth me in ways that I would have never considered possible. "And I wouldn't have felt right about it if I passed up the opportunity to see this dress used again by the right person. It's yours, Bella. I think maybe it was always meant to be."

I stared at him for the longest of moments, my eyes taking in the glow of his blond hair in the streaming light of the window, the dust swirling about his perfect face like ghosts, reflected in the mirror of his eyes as he remembered a time that meant the world to him. His own life. A life that was about to become Edward's. About to become mine. If I had working tear ducts I would have cried him a river. My face was already piecing apart with the weight of emotion, my throat tightening painfully around a knot that seemed to be lodged there. I didn't deserve this.

Carlisle kept talking, spurred on by my silence. "Bella, the more I look at you, the more I see her. Every kind word you speak, every move you make, it's like Esme lives inside of you. I've seen it."

My eyes fell to the floor under my knees. I shifted so I was hugging them against my chest, feeling suddenly overestimated. "That's what Edward always says…" I murmured more to myself than to Carlisle, thoughtful.

Carlisle nodded. "And he's right," he assured me. "You're a lot like her. So different from most vampires that it makes it almost painfully evident." He laughed and then his voice quieted again, more serious. "She was so loving and forgiving. She was smart enough to recognize what really mattered in life and leave the rest alone. You do it too. You love instead of hate. You fight for peace instead of fighting for the sheer sake of it."

My eyes fell again while I thought, my voice darkening as I thought of how wonderful his wife had been, both to me and to everyone she met. "You must miss her terribly," I whispered, my voice echoing my thoughts as I glanced up at him carefully from beneath my lashes. I was uncertain as to whether or not I had crossed a line.

But Carlisle wasn't upset by the assumption. His kind smile remained plastered on his features, although something deepened in his eyes. A sorrow that was still waiting to break through, rotting inside of him without a way of escape. Finally, he nodded. "Yes," he told me truthfully. "I do. More than you could ever imagine.

"It was a pain that, in the beginning, was so great that I'm afraid it corrupted my mind. I couldn't think. I could take a breath without being stung with agony of knowing that she was gone. That I would never see her face again or hear her voice. Never be able to touch her again…" His eyes were growing even more distant than they had been a moment ago, his smile fading as he thought of it.

"The truth is, I would have ended it all right there," he told me on a new note. "I would have gone to Italy and asked the Volturi for the sweet relief that it pained me so badly to long for. I was willing to die, just to be with her again. Or at least to be out of this terrible, aching mind-set. Just to get away from it all."

I looked at him with sudden curiosity. "Why didn't you?" I asked before I could stop myself.

Again, he wasn't phased by the question. He answered it kindly, without a hint of reprimand in his tone. "Because of you," he replied, "and Edward and Rosalie and Emmett and Jasper and Alice. My family. I had children, Bella. People, true _souls _that I kept in this world and made a part of everything I built for myself. I felt that it was my responsibility to make certain they were looked after. I couldn't just take away their lives and then leave them here. That would be cruel. But I wanted to go. From the second I saw that look in her eyes just before she died, I wanted to go with her. More than I've ever wanted anything in the entirety of my existence.

"Afterwards I thought 'I can't do this anymore. Four hundred years is four hundred years too long'. I started doubting everything. My own creation, changing Edward and then Esme. I started doubting that I had ever done anything right. I started thinking that perhaps it would be best for me to simply end it now and stop trying to make good of something that can only be bad."

He stopped and the smile returned to his features as his eyes strayed back to my face. As I listened I found myself in almost physical pain with the tension in my gut. None of this was right. Carlisle doubting himself was one of the most frightening notions I had ever considered, although the scariest thing was, I'd thought he was stronger than all of us combined.

One of his hands went to my face, cupping my cheek in the gentlest of fatherly touches. "But then I look at you," he whispered affectionately, "and I know Esme will never be gone as long as you're around." His smile broadened suddenly and he gave the crate a gentle shove in my direction, stirring yet more dust on the floor. "Take the dress, Bella," he sighed, smiling compassionately. "Get married. You're going to look so beautiful in it."

I thought about this for a long moment, my eyes falling back onto the silk-like, white fabric of the dress in the crate. It was old-fashioned, the way I'd always imagined my wedding dress to be, and more beautiful than any article of clothing I had ever laid eyes on. I still didn't feel right about wearing it, but then, I would never feel right about it if I turned the offer down either. I had no choice. If this was going to make Carlisle happy, I was willing to do it.

Finally, I sighed, my breath coming out in a trembling gasp as I worked to swallow the lump in my throat. "Thank you," I just managed to whisper as my fingers trailed over the wooden edge of the crate. "For everything. You know if it weren't for Charlie, I would have _you _walk me down the aisle?"

Carlisle laughed, an authentic, content sound that I couldn't recall hearing for the last time. It made me smile too. He quieted for a long moment, seeming thoughtful as his eyes rested on my face. There was still a conflict in his eyes. Something just under the surface that he seemed to be struggling with. His expression was a content one though; perhaps I was imagining things.

And then he spoke again. "You are such a good person, Bella," he told me sincerely, "and you are so much like Esme…which is why I want you to promise me something." His voice darkened, suddenly serious again.

I nodded, eager. "Anything."

"This family is a strong one," he told me, "but it always needed someone like Esme to keep it together. She was the glue. The mother. And now you are going to have to step in. Promise me you'll take care of them when I'm gone."

My eyes snapped to his face at once. I had to work hard to keep the panic out of my voice. "Carlisle, what are you talking about?" I demanded, struggling to keep my voice even.

He sighed heavily. "How long did you think I could go on like this, Bella?" He asked quietly, as though this was a matter that had been brewing in his mind for some time. "Did you really expect to tell me good morning one day to find me perfectly fine? Completely over it all? I'm afraid that is _never _going to happen, no matter what you do. Even slowly, it will never happen. I don't want to do this anymore."

Horror had been building gradually in my chest as I listened and now it broke through, my voice leaping up a couple of octaves as I tried to protest. "But you just said –!"

"There's nothing _wrong _with this lifestyle, Bella," he corrected quickly, holding up a hand to stop me before I could explode on him further. "I know that now. I suppose I always knew that. I just don't want to do it anymore." He shrugged then, as though this were a matter of little concern. "This family needs you more than it needs me now. I'm afraid I'm hardly of any use to them in the state I'm in. In fact I would probably end up dragging them down with me if I let this go on much longer…"

I was shaking my head again, almost violently this time. I couldn't let him do this. I couldn't let him _think _this. "Carlisle, no!" I exclaimed loudly, thrusting the crate out of the way so there was nothing between us. "You can't! This family _does _need you! _I _need you!" My voice started to crack under the weight of the emotion. Of course something like this had to happen. Everything was just going _too _well. I knew I'd overlooked something.

My voice simmered down to an anguished whisper as my eyes met his; they would have been blurred by tears if I was still my old, human self. "Please," I whispered. "Don't you dare take yourself away from us. I think of the Cullens and I think of you. Don't you understand? You _are _this family! It would only hurt us if you pulled out now. Please…just…please." I shook my head slowly, desperate. "I know you are strong enough to get through this. You don't have to get over it…just get on with it. Please. For us. _Please_."

He stared at me for an excruciatingly long second, his eyes heavy as they scrutinized the desperation on my face. Finally, he spoke, but it wasn't the answer I had been hoping for. "You may not realize it yet," he muttered in a voice barely audible. "But you don't need me anymore." He held up a hand to stop me before I could argue. "Please, Bella. _Try _to understand. Life moves in cycles and if you can't let go and learn to be a part of that cycle then you can never truly be alive. I am a part of that cycle and so are you. You are born. You live. And you die. It's the natural way of things. When the old are too tired to carry on, the young do it for them.

"You and Edward are strong, Bella. And together. That's more than I can say for myself and Esme now. You need to embrace that incredible miracle of life that you've been given and you need to put it to good use. Don't waste it always looking to me for answers. I always knew this day would come at some point. Even vampires don't live forever. They can try, but something will inevitably come their way sometime that they can't escape. Tanya and her family have been remarkably fortunate. But that is a rare case you don't often see. I have had my run and it's time for me to go now, Bella. You have to let me go."

I was only vaguely aware of the dry sobs that were building in my chest. They burst forth, undetained, liberated as Carlisle's words sank in. As the fact that there was truly nothing I could do sank in. Helpless, I leaned forward on the floor and threw my arms around his neck, burying my face in his shoulder and gasping as I felt his strong, gentle arms encircle my back.

No. No no no. This wasn't happening. Not again. Not now. I held onto him for what felt like hours, never wanting to let go for fear that he may disappear while I wasn't watching. I had to make him see the truth. I had to fix this somehow. I could never forgive myself if something happened to Carlisle and I had known it was coming. If I had known I had the chance to stop it. Nothing could ever justify that. Not even knowing that he was at peace. He was supposed to be here, with us.

"Carlisle, please," I whispered as I raised my chin over his shoulder, squeezing my eyes closed tightly as I felt his satin-like blond hair against my face. "I love you so much. As much as my own father. You can't do this. Please."

I fell silent then, waiting for the resolute refusal. When it didn't come right away my hope started to bounce back, the uncertainty spurring me on. "We all love you so much," I whispered in his ear. "And you're right. Life does move in cycles, but not for us. There's a reason we don't age and that's so we can stay exactly as we are, together, alive for all of eternity. So we can live and love and laugh without the inevitability of death." He drew back so he could look me in the face again. I kept talking, past desperate now.

"We're luckier than most, Carlisle. It may not seem like it sometimes, but we are. Unlike humans, we have eternity just to live. Just to be together and to create memories again and again. Yes, sometimes things happen and one of us will die, but that does not mean that we all have to. Esme is dead, but she's gone to a place now that we are never meant to go to. Please don't you go to that place too. If you go then everything starts falling apart at the seams. Alice won't survive it. She's barely healed from the blow she suffered when she lost her mother. I can't even bear to think about what will happen if she loses her father too."

I could see this struck a chord in Carlisle Cullen. Something changed in his face when I mentioned Alice's name. I could see it behind his eyes. The memories of every one of his children. The days that they were reborn as vampires and the days that they found their way into his family. He was thinking of Edward. Sick and alone. Without him he never would have survived. He never would have met me. We never would have been getting married now.

There was something else. I let the vision take over simply because I hadn't the desire to hold it at bay any longer.

_Carlisle stood in the doorway to a hospital morgue, looking in with an expression in his eyes like I had never seen. He was distraught. He held both hands behind his head the way he did when he was thinking about something seriously. I recognized the stance. Edward did it too._

_Edward was there, standing next to him, his eyes darting anxiously from his father's face to a figure lying still on a gurney in the morgue. He looked as though he needed to be somewhere. Or perhaps like he would simply have rather been anywhere but here. He shifted from foot to foot, nervous as he seemed to waiting for something. An answer maybe._

_"It's your decision," he said to his father finally, his eyes snapping back to the lifeless figure on the gurney._

_Carlisle glanced over at his son seriously. "I can't just let her die, Edward," he muttered, although his tone was more distraught than his expression let on. _

_"Then do it!" Edward exclaimed, flustered. "I don't care!"_

_But Carlisle still seemed undecided. He looked at his son, his eyes calm as they wrestled with some weight of responsibility. "But…would you have rathered I let you die?" He asked, seeming genuinely uncertain._

_Edward shook his head quickly, as though they didn't have time for an in-depth conversation. But the negative motion suddenly turned into an indecisive nod and he shrugged. "No…I don't know! Maybe!" He stilled suddenly. "Look, you do what you have to do. I'm sure everything will work out fine, either way, just get it over with before I come to my senses!"_

_Carlisle sighed, seeming to make up his mind as he stepped forward into the morgue and stared down at the face of the happy young girl he'd known ten years ago. She was still beautiful – aged slightly, but only enough to catch up to him. Even in a death-like coma, she was full of life. He could see it on her face. He decided to go with his instincts. They had never failed him before._

_He leaned over Esme purposefully, his teeth closing over her throat…_

I saw the smile as it flickered minutely over Carlisle's handsome features and I met it with one of my own. "The beginning of your family," I whispered quietly in the dusty light of the attic. "You still remember it. You will always remember it… There could be more you know."

Carlisle looked at me and I could see the hint of surrender in his sad eyes.

"We're on our way to becoming the largest stationary coven the world has ever seen," I told him hopefully. "If there's room in this family for me, Carlisle, there's still room in it for you. _Please_…don't go away. We love you."

His ochre eyes fluttered up to meet mine and he smiled, reminding me more of his old self than he had in a long time. "Well, one thing's for sure," he muttered just loud enough for me to hear. "I _will _stay long enough to see that you and Edward are married. I wouldn't miss that for the world."

I flung my arms around Carlisle's neck again, throwing myself into another meaningful hug as I crushed myself against him, a relieved breath escaping my lips in a whoosh. "Oh, Carlisle, thank you!" I exclaimed, unable to suppress my enthusiasm for his decision. He wasn't promising anything, but this at least would buy me some time to make him see how much we needed him. I was convinced I could keep him with us if I only had the time.

"But Bella," he murmured in my ear after a long moment, "you do understand that this isn't going to be easy for me. An hour ago I thought I would only have to get through this long enough to talk to you. Then I could go. I'm not saying I'm staying for good."

I nodded hastily. "I know," I replied quickly, sincerely. "I know." But even so I hugged him tighter, thanking God for just the time I needed.


	48. Chapter 48: Out of the Ashes

**Author's Note: Okay, I lied. This isn't the last chapter. But we're nearly there!**

**Chapter 48: Out of the Ashes**

_"Your fault? If you'd cut yourself at Mike Newton's house, with Jessica and Angela and your other normal friends, the worst that could possibly have happened would be what? Maybe they couldn't find you a bandage? If you'd tripped and knocked over a pile of glass plates on your own – without someone throwing you into them – even then, what's the worst? You'd get blood on the seats when they drove you to the emergency room? Mike Newton could have held your hand while they stitched you up – and he wouldn't be fighting the urge to kill you the whole time he was there. Don't try to take any of this out on yourself, Bella. It will only make me more disgusted with myself."_

_"How the hell did Mike Newton end up in this conversation?"_

_"Mike Newton ended up in this conversation because Mike Newton would be a hell of a lot healthier for you to be with."_

_"I'd rather die than be with Mike Newton. I'd rather die than be with anyone but you."_

I stared at the motionless figure in the mirror, unblinking as I remembered the night that had nearly taken Edward away from me forever. Carlisle had been there too. And if my memory proved valid, he had been remarkably more understanding than Edward had, much to my own bewilderment. Perhaps 'understanding' wasn't the right word. Edward _had _been understanding after all – a little _too _understanding. He'd taken it upon himself to disappear out of my life forever simply in order to protect me…from _him_. He'd thought it was _his _fault. How utterly ridiculous. _I _was the clumsy one. He couldn't watch out for my every move twenty-four-seven, and he shouldn't have to!

But I comforted myself with the reasoning that he never would anymore. That was a long time ago now and it would do no one any good to fret over it at the moment. But Carlisle. Carlisle had been so good to me. So _calm _about the entire ordeal. His family had been put in jeopardy. My very _life _had been put in jeopardy and he had merely taken me into the kitchen and stitched me up with little more than a few kind words and an even kinder smile.

I recalled the first time I met my soon-to-be-father-in-law. Edward and I hadn't been on the best of terms at that point, but our relationship had grown considerably since then – if understatements could be so colossal.

For the thousand-and-first time since I'd been born I'd nearly been killed – that time by an out-of-control van in the school parking lot. The hospital was where I ended up, although I insisted there was nothing wrong with me in the least. Edward had made certain I was well taken care of.

_"Is she sleeping?" _I could remember hearing Edward's musical voice and my eyes snapped open on the hospital bed in the emergency room. Tyler saw him first.

_"Hey, Edward, I'm really sorry –"_

Edward held up a hand to stop him and smiled brilliantly. _"No blood, no foul," _he'd told him. Then he looked at me. _"So what's the verdict?"_

_"There's nothing wrong with me at all, but they won't let me go. How come you aren't strapped to a gurney like the rest of us?"_

Edward had smirked. _"It's all about who you know. But don't worry, I came to spring you."_

Then a doctor had appeared at the side of my bed and I found myself gaping. He was young, he was blond…and he was handsomer than any movie star I'd ever seen.

_"So, Miss Swan, how are you feeling?"_

_"I'm fine." _I didn't know then how big a part of my life Carlisle would turn out to be. I would have paid more attention. Wouldn't have been so eager to get out of that emergency room and back to school. I should have taken the time to remember every touch, every word Carlisle had given me as he probed gently over my bruised scalp, noticing when I winced and inquiring.

Finally though, I could recall him giving me a clean bill of health along with his leave to go. I'd hopped down from the gurney, staggering and nearly hitting the floor. Carlisle caught me, a concerned expression on his striking features. _"I'm fine," _I'd repeated, embarrassed.

I found myself smiling at the memory, watching as my expression changed in the mirror. But then I remembered why I was recalling such things now. Everything had seemed so much simpler back then. I had been so clueless. So…_human_. I had no idea what would become of my meeting with the first of Edward's family members.

Not too long after I had met Esme. Dear, sweet Esme. And what had become of her now? What had become of them all now? Things were definitely better than they had been even a few weeks ago, that much was for certain. But they were worse of than when they started.

The emotions that coursed through me now were beyond confusing. On one hand, I was happier than I had ever been. Renee hadn't cared about my young engagement. In fact she found it all enthrallingly romantic – figures. And she had been more than thrilled to hear from me. I was sure if I hadn't had left her hanging so long she probably would have lectured me nearly the same way that Charlie had, but he had told her not long after I'd left and not only had she had plenty of time to get used to the idea, she'd also had plenty of time to consider how miserable life may prove to be without the comfort of her baby girl. She was glad to have me back, no strings attached.

And I was getting married. That was certainly one aspect to be more than happy about. And to Edward, no less. Even as I stared at my heart-stopping reflection in the mirror, clad in Esme's wedding dress with my hair done magnificently – courtesy of Alice of course, it was still difficult to comprehend. _Edward _wanted to marry me. I was wearing his ring. All at once I was reeled back to the days where I could remember being little more than an unorthodox, self-conscious human girl. Single. Alone in the new – to me – town of Forks, wandering the halls of the high school, dropping my books, looking like a self-professed idiot. I could remember those days but they were blurry now, like some ancient photo album one kept in the bottom of a drawer at home because it wasn't worth looking at anymore. My life had been so empty then. Practically meaningless, even if I hadn't realized it at the time. And then there was Edward.

All of it was running the circuit of my mind over and over again today, not completely unlike a broken record. Pointless. No matter how many times you listened to it, the music would never change, but I couldn't help it. The memories piled together in my head too quickly for me to swift through them, to decide which ones I still wanted and which could be discarded. This day was going to take up a lot of memory space. How much did I have left?

On the other hand of course, I was _unhappier _than I had ever been. I was worried about Carlisle. Well, I was always worried about Carlisle. It had been weeks since our talk in Tanya's attic and I was _still _worried about Carlisle. Nothing had changed. I hadn't thought of a way of convincing him to stick around. On some level I knew it had been little more than a pathetic combination of denial and procrastination that had plagued me all this time, keeping me from accomplishing what needed to be accomplished.

I didn't want to believe Carlisle was about to go away forever. I didn't want to believe he was following directly behind on Esme's track. I didn't want to believe I had failed, but I had. There was nothing more I could do. I had run out of time. And now I had to get married.

I couldn't focus on one thing. Edward. Carlisle. My life. His. It would go out soon. Like the flame of a long-since melted-down candle, it would go out. And there would be nothing I could do to stop it. Well, there was _one _thing. The one thing I had sworn I wouldn't do. The one thing that had to be done now.

I could never forgive myself if I went through with this wedding in silence, only allowing myself the sensation of my own happiness, not letting the worry through. But then, I couldn't go through with it worrying either. Then my own wedding would only ever be a haunting of a memory to me. A painful mirror image of something meant only to be left behind in the past. I couldn't let that happen.

Carlisle had sworn me to secrecy after our talk and until now I had kept faithfully to my promise. No one was aware of his plan but me. Someone had to be. I was in no condition to fix this by myself. He overestimated me. I wasn't strong enough to hold this family together. The only way we were going to get through this _was_ together. I had to do it. I had to break my promise. If I didn't it could mean Carlisle's life…and the life of the Cullens as a unit. I had to fix this. Now. Before I went through with the wedding I would regret for the rest of my life – however long that might be.

I turned away from the mirror, only vaguely aware as the bottom brim of Esme's incredible wedding dress swept the wooden floor of my old room. My familiar bed and pale blue walls looked impossibly _more _modest housing an image such as myself now. Alice had done a remarkable job and Carlisle had been right – the dress fit perfectly. Now if I could only perfect the thoughts that were getting tangled beyond repair between the confines of my skull.

"Alice?" I managed to croak through the mass of panic that was building in my throat.

But she seemed unalarmed by my tone as she continued positioning every pedal of every flower in my bouquet perfectly between her hands before handing it to me. "There." She ignored my inquiry, taking a step back to look me over from head to toe. She clapped both hands together in front of her mouth, clearly pleased with what she saw. She shook her head as though in disbelief as an excitable smile suddenly took over her pixie-like features. "You're perfect," she marveled, as though amazed that she hadn't come across a problem yet. I winced as I realized that was about to change.

"Alice, I really need to –"

"Now, you've got everything right?" She demanded, suddenly serious again through her brilliantly-restored bubbly antics. She continued without waiting for an answer. "Your dress is something old – 1921 in fact. You're earrings are new…" She seemed thoughtful. "I guess your ring could count as something blue. It's…kind of blue…"

"Alice?"

"Well, it's got blue _in _it, so I suppose that's good enough for what we need…and your dress could count as borrowed as well as old – although it _is _technically yours now…"

"Alice, will you please just listen to me for a second?!" I blew up before I could censor myself enough to catch it. I was stressed. More than stressed. And it was showing.

Alice's wildly waving arms dropped to her sides almost instantaneously and she blinked back at me through a scandalized expression. "_What_?!" She demanded, only a little upset that her excited wedding-rant had been cut short.

I stared at her for a long moment, wondering how to start. I didn't have much time. Groaning audibly, I placed the flowers lightly on the bed, careful not to ruffle the skillfully-positioned pedals as I plopped down on the mattress next to them, my face in my hands. Slowly, tentatively, Alice sat down next to me, her hand drifting to my back.

I sighed. "I can't do this," I whispered in a tight voice, not shifting my face an inch away from the safe, dark confines of my fingers.

Her voice sounded beyond indignantly shocked as it jumped up an octave. "Honestly, Bella!" She squeaked in my ear, making me jump. "Of all the people to get cold feet –"

"No, Alice," I moaned loudly, "of _course _I can get married! I didn't mean _that_!"

She was silent for a long moment. "Oh," she muttered finally, her voice calmer. "Then what _did _you mean?"

I sighed again, more dramatically this time as I lowered my hands and looked over at Alice seriously. "I meant…" I stopped myself, rephrasing what I had already put together in my head, "everything's so screwed up!" These four words seemed to open up a floodgate I hadn't even been aware I had been holding. "Everything's finally working out the way I want it and now all I can think about is how…_not _like I want it it really is."

Alice blinked twice. "Bella, you're not making any sense at all."

I took a deep breath, forcing calm back into my system. "I should have brought this up weeks ago," I half-whispered as I turned my eyes to the floor, studying a dust bunny there. "But he made me promise not to tell! I thought I could handle it! I thought I could make him see how much we needed him and then…this just…came. It just crept up on us and before I knew it I was standing there in a wedding dress getting ready to be married to the man of my dreams and now all I can think about is poor Carlisle! He's going to die, Alice, and it's going to be all my fault!" My face fell back into my hands and I closed my eyes, praying for some well-earned words of comfort to leave Alice's lips.

To my utter astonishment however, there was no trace of shock in her voice in the least when she nodded. "Oh," she murmured, puzzling comprehension coloring her tone. Her hand ran the length of my spine, quieting my frenzied breathing as I looked up at her again, bewildered. "Don't worry about that Bella," she murmured softly, a knowing smile playing on her perfectly beauteous lips. "No one's going to die…I've got my eye on Carlisle."

Relief intermingled with surprise flashed behind my eyes, rekindling some miniscule flicker of hope while it was there. "You know?" I managed in a hoarse voice as I swiveled slightly on the mattress to look at her.

She laughed that light, silvery laugh that reminded me of wind chimes and suddenly I felt ridiculously inconsiderate. Of course she knew. How could she not?

"Bella, what kind of psychic do you take me for?" She chimed delicately, seeming to echo my thoughts. "Did you seriously think something like that could ever slip by me?"

I sighed. It was good having Alice around again. The full Alice. Completely. There were no longer any traces of grief lingering in her features when she spoke of her mother and, although her voice often took on a deeper, more meaningful timbre at the mention of Esme, she seemed to have made a full recovery since that revolutionary day in Denali over three weeks ago.

My theory had proved correct. Alice had been better at bouncing back than any of us. She wasn't _over _the ordeal by any means. None of us were. We would always miss her. We would always feel the absence of the most loving and protective of the Cullens as we ran through day-to-day activities without her. But it seemed that Alice had realized it long before any of us; Esme wasn't truly gone. Nor would she ever be as long as we kept thinking about her. As long as we were still around to serve as living, breathing – sort of – evidence of her caring, nurturing essence. In doing what she had done she had saved us all, and as long as we were still alive to testify to that her efforts wouldn't be wasted.

This wedding wouldn't be taking place now if it weren't for her. I was only realizing it now, but if it weren't for her death, the family probably would not have reassembled itself the way it had now. Edward and Carlisle probably would never have gone to look for Alice. I recalled they had gone in the first place because we felt the family should be together in a time of grief.

Edward would have been there to stop me when I went on my wild rampage off to Forks. I never would have found Alice. Never would have made peace with Jacob. The wolves may have gotten to her first. _Victoria _may have gotten to her first. The violent, vengeful vampire may still be terrorizing my hometown. Charlie might not be alive.

I shuddered as the realization came to me. Everything _did _happen for a reason. As terrible as it sounded, if Esme hadn't sacrificed herself for us that night, things may have only gotten worse. They would never have turned out this good. I missed her, it was true. We _all _missed her. And we always would. But as long as we could testify to her heroic efforts that night in Denali, she would never be far away.

And Carlisle. We still had him to hold onto as well. We all loved him so much. He had to feel it. He couldn't just pull out of the Cullen family group…could he?

It was comforting to know that Alice was watching out for him. That at least, would give us some form of warning if he decided to carry out his original plan. Still, the icy panic that twisted painfully in my stomach each time I thought of life with the Cullens without Carlisle wasn't an easy feeling to shake. I would have to trust her, trust _everything _to turn out just the way it should. It had to.

Alice noticed when I forced another deep breath through my system, this time as though in preparation.

She raised one dainty eyebrow. "Feeling better?" She asked.

I shook my head. "Not really," I confessed a little too blatantly, "but at least I'm ready now." I stood up, taking the flowers back in hand as I recomposed myself.

Alice stood with me, but her expression didn't change from the look of concern. Her hand was still on my back as she tilted her head slightly to look into my face again. "Are you sure?" She asked, seeming more phased by my sudden distraction than she had a moment ago.

I nodded seriously, forcing my eyes onto hers. "Yes, Alice," I assured her, my voice bearing the seal of a vow – the first of many I would make today. "At least now I know I'm not alone in this. I trust you. I can relax and get married." I winced a little. For some reason the phrases 'relax' and 'get married' didn't seem exactly compatible to me in the same sentence. I looked at Alice again. "How's my hair?"

Her eyes barely flickered up to it before she nodded, beaming. "Gorgeous," she replied, seeming convinced.

I nodded. "Good," I breathed. My eyes darted briefly in the direction of the window. "Is it raining?"

Alice shook her head, her expression suddenly turning proud. "Nope," she assured me. "And it won't. Not until later at least. There's a storm brewing for tonight, but the weather for the wedding is looking perfect."

"Perfect," I repeated with another nod. I was running out of delays. My eyes drifted over Alice's dress momentarily and my smile returned. "Alice, you look beautiful," I notified her, as if she wasn't already aware of that.

But the dramatic roll of her ochre eyes brought me back to reality and she gave me a violent shove toward the door. "Okay," she heaved a heavy sigh. "Enough stalling, let's go!"

Pre-wedding panic started to set in again. "Is Charlie downstairs?" I demanded, suddenly concerned again with my appearance in this impossibly perfect dress.

Alice laughed. "No, Bella," she promised me lightly as she led me into the hall. "Jasper and Emmett took him to the meadow hours ago. I told you that already – it's a bit of a hike for humans you know."

I sighed. "I know." I would have smelled him anyway. Why had I even bothered asking?

My mother would be there already too, I realized with a start. With Phil, no doubt. This was going to be interesting. I only hoped Jasper and Emmett had managed their one job of keeping the peace between the three of them while they escorted them safely to the ceremony location – our meadow, of course. It shouldn't be too difficult. Supposedly my mother and father were on fairly good terms. Good enough to watch their daughter get married, I was sure.

Edward and Carlisle were already there – I wondered briefly what they were talking about; perhaps Carlisle was giving Edward marriage-advice or some other father-to-son ritual on a man's wedding day – and Rosalie…Rosalie was right there, looking more like an exquisite angel than I'd ever seen her.

Standing in the dim light of Charlie's kitchen, she looked as though she might put even myself to shame – and I was wearing a wedding gown. The bridesmaid dress that Alice had picked out hugged her flawless figure seamlessly. The color of it – when I had first been allowed to analyze the outfit – hadn't seemed quite right for Rosalie. I realized now that nothing could have looked lovelier on her. It was a delicate, tentative purple that corresponded brilliantly with her long, golden waves. Her hair was perfect, of course. Still hanging loose, but styled immaculately with indiscriminate strands pinned up in flower-shaped clips that matched the lilac shade of her dress. And the broad, warm smile that accompanied the arrangement only perfected the ensemble.

I grinned when I saw her and opened my mouth to compliment the look, but she beat me to the punch. "Bella, you look so beautiful," she told in me in a voice too gentle and kind to be her own.

My smile grew and my eyes went to the floor momentarily, embarrassed. If I were human I would have blushed furiously. I looked back up at her. "Look who's talking," I laughed quietly in return.

She beamed, flashing a line of brilliant white teeth in my direction. She sighed. "We all look good," she corrected me airily, her eyes darting briefly in Alice's direction. One of her hands lifted to rest on her sister's shoulder. Her smile deepened. "The girls."

I grinned too, unable to conceal the rush of excitement that thrilled through me at the words. "The girls," I whispered more to myself than either of them. _The girls. _It had a sort of brilliant ring to it. We _were _the girls. The Cullen girls. And I was one of them now. How long had I been dreaming of being one of them? And as I considered this, a part of me realized how incredibly _more _fortunate I was than I'd ever dreamed of being. I always wanted to be a part of this family. I had never dreamed of being accepted by each and every one of them. Let alone being loved. The impossible happily-ever-after of it all was astounding. I couldn't quite swallow it. I never thought I could ever get this far. _Be _this lucky. I considered myself lucky to just have Edward.

I used to think that as long as I had him, it didn't matter if I was a burden to the rest of the family or not. I didn't care if Rosalie liked me. It didn't make a difference if I was wanted. But I was. And it did make a difference. I belonged. I belonged in a family that, by some impossible miracle, had come to care for me as much as I loved them. It was a feeling of hope and comfort that was brand new to me.

The soft warmth that was accumulating in my chest wasn't helped when Rosalie stepped forward suddenly, crushing me against her in the most adoring of hugs. "You know, Bella," she whispered softly in my ear, "it's been a long time since any of us have attended an authentic wedding. This is a big deal for us. I can't believe this day is _finally _here."

My smile broadened to the point where it nearly reached my ears. I hugged her tighter. "You know I always knew that _most _of this family enjoyed my company," I mused around her satin ripples of hair, "but that is something I never thought I would hear _you _say."

Rosalie pulled away then, her hands still on my shoulders as she looked into my face, her smile darkening a little, but not fading completely. "You know," she echoed, "me neither. I'll be the first to admit it Bella. When I first met you, I wanted you to have nothing to do with this family. I was sure you were going to ruin all of our existences forever and there were times when I found myself wondering if you hadn't," – I cringed – "but then somewhere down the line I started to see what everyone else saw…what Edward saw. After everything we've been through, you've made me realize that you are a loving, generous, beautiful young woman who only wants what's best for not only Edward, but all of us. You are so selfless and so loyal…I know you would do anything for any one of us and I couldn't be prouder to be gaining you as a sister officially."

My breathing was already short, my throat tight. It was crying. Vampire crying. Tearless, but still there. If Rosalie had been the one to say it, it had to be true. Too good to be true just didn't cut it anymore. I was a part of this family. Fully and completely. And I always would be.

Heaving a few dry, broken sobs, I sniffed as I pulled Rosalie back into a tight embrace, more meaningful this time. Somehow I managed to find my voice through my severely knotted throat. "I may be getting married," I croaked in a strangled whisper, "but nothing could have made me happier today."

I felt her embrace me more tightly and after a long moment I drew back, my eyes darting from Alice to Rosalie. I didn't settle for merely musing. I spoke my thoughts. "You two are the two greatest sisters a girl could ever have," I told them both. "And I want to have you forever." I raised one eyebrow. "Let's say we dedicate this day to forever?"

The both beamed. Alice stuck one arm out abruptly, bringing her fist to a floating halt directly in the center of our tiny grouping. "To forever," she breathed and one of my own hands went to cover her fist. Rosalie's came to a rest on top of mine almost instantaneously. Alice sheeted it with her other hand. Mine went on top of hers. Rosalie completed the team cluster.

I wasn't used to this gentle, kindly Rosalie. It was difficult to determine whether or not she had changed – if _I _had changed her – or if the cold, heartless front was just that. A front. Either way, she _was _different. That much was gloriously evident. And I would always love her for both the self she displayed during the first months of our acquaintance and the self she showed now. She was Rosalie. And I would die if anything ever happened to her.

For a long moment I merely stood, staring at our six hands. Six hands that were going to stay together for as long as we could help it. Sisters to the end, whenever that may be.

Finally, when the assembly broke apart, Rosalie breathed a heavy sigh and glanced at me purposefully, her smile never fading. "Ready to go?" She asked, her voice suddenly light with enthusiasm.

I smiled too, but didn't allow myself to answer too quickly. As if on cue, a brand new thought invaded my head, making me reconsider my answer. There was no where I would rather be than at the alter with Edward at the moment. Getting married was something I suddenly couldn't wait to do, but I was only now realizing that my pre-wedding duties weren't quite finished yet. There was one more thing to be done. And I wouldn't have felt right if it were left undone.

"Actually," I mused suddenly, my tone thoughtful, "would it be alright if we made a stop along the way? There's still one more thing I have to do."

Rosalie looked mildly surprised, but accepting of my request. She glanced briefly at the clock. "Sure," she shrugged. "We have time."

Alice smiled a little, not looking surprised in the least.

The three of us trudged through the overgrown grass of the Cullens' former backyard slowly, but very purposefully, holding the folds of our elegant gowns above our ankles while we walked – not that we were expecting to trip and fall anyway.

The house was still there, towering and meaningful as ever, although staggeringly destroyed. It hadn't burnt completely to the ground; at least not all the way. Most of it _was _gone, leaving behind nothing but mounds of ash that had gusted away ages ago on the brisk, stormy Forks wind. But the frame was still there. A fraction of the walls. The basic structure was recognizable, even in the blackened, brittle state it was in, which made it even more difficult to walk by.

My eyes lingered on it as I passed with Alice and Rosalie. A faint breeze rustled the slowly shriveling leaves in the treetops above, making a bit of a rattling sound as what remained of the charred would of the house creaked. I shuddered. It was so dead. Abandoned, really. Nothing like the bright, cheerful place it had once been. The home of not only a tightly-knit coven of vampires, but countless memories as well. Memories of Carlisle. Memories of Esme. Memories of Edward playing the piano for me for the first time. My meeting with my future family for the first time. Our engagement announcement. It was all there. And now it had taken on the air of a horror film.

We forced ourselves to keep walking, mechanically placing one foot in front of the other until we'd reached the very edge of the yard. Here we stopped before it. The granite headstone that had been constructed and placed no more than a week ago. I let the bottom brim of her wedding dress fall to the grass under my feet and I kneeled carefully, ignoring the wet due that beaded the emerald blades.

I stared at the headstone for a long moment before I spoke, reading the words tens of times over, still trying to swallow what they meant. _Esme Cullen, loving wife and mother, born 1895, died 2007, _and then the dedication Carlisle had engraved at the bottom: _A mother holds her children's hand for a while, their hearts forever._

I let my fingertips trail over the indentation of the letters again and again, feeling the glazed finish of the stone as I read it. Carlisle had done this almost entirely himself. The rest of us hadn't thought it a very good idea. While we considered it right to commemorate the most loving and devoted of the Cullens with something material, even if we didn't have a body to bury, we couldn't help but be concerned about printing the dates. What if someone saw them? Did the math? Would that rat us all out for good? But Carlisle had assured us that, because of the location, no one would ever see it but us. I was only beginning to see now that, although it was still probably not the smartest idea to carry out, it was the right one. Esme deserved this. More than this. And where would I have ever gone to today to kneel before and honor her if we hadn't bothered with a grave?

Alice and Rosalie stood behind me, waiting patiently while they watched and listened.

I swallowed hard and thought harder before I finally parted my lips to speak, my voice tight with emotion still. "I don't know where you are now," I half whispered, bowing my head to look at the grass around my silk-clad knees, "or if you can even hear me. All I know is I really could have used you around this week. Alice did a magnificent job with the wedding plans. Everything was worked out. Every detail designed to perfection. Except for one missing bridesmaid."

I paused for a long moment, trying hard to speak through the tightness in my throat. I had to swallow twice and even then I could only speak very slowly, one word at a time, uncertain of what would be the right thing to say next. I'd never really spoken to a dead loved one before, but somehow it felt more natural than I had anticipated. Like she was really here, listening.

"Esme, I can't even _begin _to describe how much we miss you." My voice broke in two places, growing a little in volume as I felt the hard skin of my lips begin to tremble. I took a deep breath and composed myself a little before speaking again. "But I guess you already know that.

"I'm marrying your son today and while I can think of no happier day in my entire life, I can't help but wish more than anything that you were here with me. With _us_. Your family. Which is why I've come to invite you. I love you so much, Esme. We all do. And it will always hurt to miss you. More than a lot of things in this world can hurt. But it's okay. I know that now. It's okay because I know you'll never really be gone as long as we – your family – are still around."

My voice was getting lighter somehow and, although I was still speaking very slowly, carefully choosing each of my words, they seemed more accepting than before. "For some crazy reason Edward and Carlisle seemed to think I can take your place. That Edward and I are slowly growing into the couple that you and Carlisle were. And while I have to admit, the way we both leapt from cliffs nearly to our deaths and you fell out of a tree – something I could see myself doing – is a fairly ground-breaking similarity, I want you to know that I could never measure up to the wife that you were. The mother that you were. No one ever could. But I also want you to know that I'm not opposed to trying.

"I can't replace you, Esme, no matter how badly the others want you back, but I promise to do my best to protect them…forever." I thought for another lengthy moment and started again. "You know sometimes I can't help but think it's my fault you're dead, but I know now that blame can't possibly matter in this life, no matter how long it lasts. What's important is that it happened. It happened and it's over and done and there's nothing any one of us can do about that. I can hear your voice. What you would have said. And I think you would be proud with the way this family has turned out despite everything. We're still together. And today we've finally found a way to be happy again. That's what's important.

"I only hope that Carlisle can find a way to be happy again too," I added in a darker voice. "He's hurting, Esme. He misses you so dearly that he's considering joining you and leaving Edward and I in charge." – I could feel the panicked glance that passed from Rosalie to Alice behind me then. I didn't care – "And while I can understand that that would be the easiest way out of all of this, I can only pray that he thinks better of it. We need him, Esme. Almost as much as we need you. So I'm going to need your help on this. If you could somehow make him see that he needs to stay, we would owe everything to you. He's stronger than this and he can get through it. _We _can get him through it. He just doesn't realize it yet. Please help him realize it before it's too late."

I paused again, thinking. "I guess that's all I have to say for now," I mused aloud, returning my eyes to the name on the grave in front of me. Slowly, I stood up, careful not to fabricate grass stains as I looked down at the headstone. "I know that you'll be out there with us today. You'll always be with us."

I made to turn away then but Rosalie rushed forward suddenly, stopping me before I could leave. Her expression was one bearing an urgency that was only half-serious. One I couldn't understand. Her voice trembled as she spoke. "Can you tell her that if she can't be here, I think you're the best person to take care of us?" She asked lightly. Then a broad grin broke her semi-serious features. "You know what? Never mind," she redirected suddenly, "because she wouldn't believe it."

This made me laugh through the weight of the speech and Rosalie laughed with me, Alice joining in as the amusement behind it all slowly began to hit us. I hugged Rosalie again, my shoulders still shuddering with the convulsions of laughter as I felt Alice's arms around us both, forming a sort of group hug. I loved my sisters. With a start I realized that if it weren't for Esme's sudden departure, Rosalie and I may still harbor some hostility for one another. It was because of everything we'd been through that we'd become as close as we were now. And I wouldn't trade that for anything.

"Come on," Alice said suddenly as she drew back, bouncing with unexpected excitement on both feet, "we've got a wedding to get to."

**Author's Note: This chapter is dedicated to Julia, my own personal Alice – she even looks like her.**


	49. Chapter 49: Until Death

**Author's Note: Okay, here's the bad news (or the good news, however you want to take it) this is NOT the last chapter. There is one more to go after this and I guarantee that that one will be the last one. But the good news is, this way Fireworks will end up being exactly fifty chapters! Woohoo!**

**Chapter 49: Until Death…**

The infamous – but not at all ominous – melody of the wedding march startled me from my thoughts. All too suddenly I found myself smiling and knew that for as long as this ceremony lasted, and probably a little longer after as well, that smile would remain in place.

I felt Charlie's arm slide beneath mine and my smile grew as I glanced over at him briefly. His scent was still staggeringly overpowering to me, but with the knowledge that Edward and Carlisle were only an aisle way away kept me rational. I had managed it before. It shouldn't be a problem to do it again. It wouldn't be easy, but it simply wouldn't be my dream wedding without Charlie there to walk me down the aisle. It would all be worth it in the end. Everything was.

Charlie grinned a little childishly as his eyes took me in. "Bella," he sighed just under the toll of the music, but loud enough for me to hear, "I don't know what's down the road for us, but I want you to know that whatever happens, you'll always be my little girl." He stopped, thoughtful. "I love you," he continued finally. "This is your day, and you look incredible."

I could only smile. Words had to be saved for vows. I was afraid if I tried speaking now I may lose it completely, unable to handle the impossible lightness of the joy that was thriving through me from head to toe.

Charlie took a step then and I had no choice but to follow, latched against his one side. I turned my eyes to the alter. He was already there, waiting for me at the end of the long, white satin that had been laid out over the grass as a path between what few seats there were.

The wedding band would be for the reception. Most of Tanya's family was seated on one side of the meadow while Renee and Phil were the only two occupying the other. Tanya herself was seated at the bench of the piano they had somehow managed to haul all the way out here, expertly chiming off the notes of the familiar 'Here Comes the Bride'. Eleazar was at her side, a guitar supported between his hands as he accompanied the melody, giving it something brand new and enthralling as far as music went. They sounded lovely together.

Rosalie and Emmett had done a remarkable job with the alter, decorated in an ivory arch over Carlisle's head, wildflowers no doubt acquired from the meadow itself weaved in and around it. They were all there already, waiting for me. Rosalie and Alice, Jasper and Emmett – my eyes went to the center of the alter – Carlisle and Edward. Edward looked unbelievable himself, more groomed and better dressed than I had ever seen him. The tux looked perfect. Everything looked perfect.

The weather was good. Overcast, but not raining. Renee, Phil and Charlie would never suspect a thing.

As I walked I wondered briefly about the thoughts that were occupying my parents' minds. Did they have any idea what kind of a situation they were in? Surrounded by an overwhelming number of vampires, one of which was their daughter? Didn't they know what could happen? But then, of course I knew they didn't. And it didn't matter, because they never would know. I was happy. Edward was happy. That was all that mattered now.

We'd reached the end of the aisle and my eyes went to Charlie's face ever so briefly one last time. The face of my father. He would _always _be my father. He leaned over momentarily, kissing me purposefully on the cheek, an affection in his touch that I had never felt so candidly before.

He pulled away then, moving over to the seats to sit by Renee. As he went, he kept his eyes on me and I mouthed 'I love you' to him before I took the few final steps up to stand by Edward, the love of my life, my forever protector. I surprised myself when I didn't bulk in anticipated panic. Originally I could never remember being a big fan of the idea of matrimony, but today I realized there was nothing I wanted more than this. It felt right. Like simply the final step to spending eternity together. I wanted to do it more than anything else in the world. It was both the perfect end and the perfect beginning to a life that was entirely our own. A life I had been waiting for since the day I met him, whether I realized it or not.

Something melted behind his eyes as I took his hand to stand before him. He stared at me for what felt like too long a moment, but for the longest time I still couldn't manage to find my voice. Finally, he was the one to speak, quietly, only loud enough for Carlisle and myself to hear before the ceremony began. "I've seen this dress before," he marveled as his liquid gold pools took it in. Then they drifted back up to my face. His one palm came to rest on my cheek for a moment. "You couldn't look more perfect in it," he sighed lovingly, his velvet voice making my throat tighten in a debilitating knot.

I leaned into his touch, suddenly wishing I could cry more than ever before. But all I could do was stare, waiting for Carlisle to begin. The desire to do this was suddenly overpowering and I couldn't help but wish we had done it sooner – a notion I never thought would invade my mind. I wanted to tie myself to Edward in every possible way. I wanted to be a part of him finally. Completely and forever. Today I was getting my wish.

I saw the tender smile that played on Carlisle's lips on the edges of my peripheral vision and I knew what came next.

"Dearly beloved," – I couldn't keep the grin from spreading across my features as I listened to Carlisle speak, more compassion in his irresistible voice than I had heard in a long time – "we are gathered here today in the sign of God to witness the joyous union of Edward and Bella in holy matrimony."

I could see the memories flickering behind Edward's eyes and I knew what he was thinking. I could see the day we met. Biology class. I could see the day he carried me to the nurse's station, half-conscious. I could see the day he drove to my rescue in Port Angeles, worked up and furious as ever. I could see the day he left and the day we reunited in Volterra. The way I had crashed into him, nearly knocking us both to the ground with the breathless desperation of my actions. I could see the night he told me he wanted to marry me for the first time and all the nights that followed after that. Our official engagement night. The night I was changed. The night Esme died. The night we first slept together – fabricating our love into something even more beautiful than it had been before. It was all there. And now this would be too. 'Dearly beloved', 'holy matrimony'. The words echoed deep in my ears, causing me to squeeze Edward's hands a little tighter in mine. I saw the corresponding smile that flickered into existence on his perfect lips.

Carlisle continued. "In my _many _years of living in a world where God thrives through love, I have never come across two people more perfect for one another than the two standing before me today." He paused to allow the meaning of the words to sink in. "And it is today that they _finally _make the commitment together to face their disappointments, embrace their dreams, realize their hopes and accept each other's failures for as long as they both shall live."

My eyes found Edward's and held them. Something new solidified behind his gaze. A gravity that hadn't been there a moment ago. And I knew what he was trying to say. The silent pact that passed between us both then would be an indestructible one. _As long as we both shall live… _We had to live forever. It was the only way to be sure. Be sure that we would never part. Ever.

Carlisle pressed on, oblivious to the purpose his words had suddenly given us. "If any person can show just cause why these two people should not be joined together, let them speak now or forever hold their peace." It was a line that had to be said for the validity of the ceremony, but not one I expected to be addressed. Suddenly I thought of Jacob. I wondered if he could have been out there somewhere, watching. He had to know by now. But I knew he would never oppose the idea. When it came to my happiness, he was nearly as selfless as Edward. He cared about me, even loved me, but beneath everything, beneath his own selfish desires, what he wanted more than anything was to make me happy. And this was making me happy. Right now. So no guilt was owed on my part.

"Who gives this woman to marry this man?"

Charlie's voice came from behind me. "I do."

I smiled a little broader and again, Carlisle continued, his attention completely on us now. "Good," he breathed, his voice light with gratification, "now, do you, Edward, take Bella to be your lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, in sadness and in joy, to cherish and continually bestow upon her your heart's deepest devotion until death do you part?"

The words sent an strange thrill through me, like I suddenly couldn't wait to do my part. His _wife_. Always and officially. Forever. No matter what. Nothing could make me happier.

But it was Edward's words that made my smile blossom in disbelief. "I do."

I had barely had a chance to recover before Carlisle was speaking to me suddenly. "And do you, Bella, take Edward to be your lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, in sadness and in joy, to cherish and continually bestow upon him your heart's deepest devotion until death do you part?"

It wasn't as though I had to think about it. I knew what my answer would be. Even so I gave the words deep consideration before replying, simply for the purpose of being certain my answer was given with the most honest of meanings. In sickness and in health – whatever kind of sickness vampires could succumb to, it wouldn't matter. Either emotional or physical, I would always love Edward. For richer, for poorer – money would certainly never be an issue, but whatever came our way that made us poor in more ways than one, I would always love Edward. In sadness and in joy – no matter what tragic thing could ever happen to us, I would always love Edward. Until death do us part – I realized the meaning now that darkened Carlisle's voice when he spoke these words. I thought of Esme. _The pact_ shone behind Edward's eyes again. We would never part. Even in death I would never leave him. I wanted him to know that. If anything were to ever take one of us away from the other, even then, we would never truly part. So, until death and hereafter, forever and always – I rewrote the vow in my head.

"I do." The words flowed with unnatural ease from my lips despite the knot of emotion in my throat.

Carlisle turned away then momentarily, glancing briefly to Emmett and Jasper for what he needed next. Jasper handed him the rings. He nodded his thanks and returned his attention to us. He handed me Edward's wedding band first. But his fingers lingered around mine for a moment as he placed the ring in the palm of my hand, his eyes suddenly intense on my face. "Now, Bella," he said to me suddenly, his voice bearing an unconventional air of casualness, "as you place this ring on Edward's hand as a symbol of your bond everlasting…is there anything you wish to say to him?"

I blinked, taken off-guard by Carlisle's words. This was new. I had never heard anything like this in a wedding ceremony before. I wondered if Carlisle had come up with it before, perhaps for the marriage of his other children. But that didn't matter now. We hadn't prepared our own vows. We had intended on keeping our own words minimal during the ceremony, but it seemed that had changed now. And I was glad for it. I wondered if this were simply a well-thought-out strategy of Carlisle's. Something he knew we would want before we knew it ourselves. I wondered if Alice had anything to do with it. Either way, I was grateful. It was as though he had read my mind word for word.

Slowly, I nodded, my eyes darting quickly back to Edward's face. "Um…yes," I marveled suddenly, as though realizing this for the first time. I could feel the eyes of my parents on me. The eyes of Tanya's family. The eyes of my family-to-be. My lips fell apart long before I found my voice again.

"Edward," – his expression intensified, showing the deep level of attentiveness at which he was listening – "I never expected to marry young. A part of me never expected to marry at all. But then, I never expected to be so lucky…as to marry someone like you." I took a deep breath and suddenly the words were flowing remarkably naturally from my lips, as though it were only he and I confessing our love to one another as we had done so many times before without the eyes of others on us. It seemed Carlisle had opened up a floodgate of things that I had been waiting to tell Edward and I was relishing the opportunity to tell him them now.

"You are my soul mate, much, much more than the love of my life and someone so impossibly good that sometimes I can't help but wonder if you are nothing more than an incredible dream. One that has you disappointed when you wake up, no matter how much promise the day ahead of you shows. I love you so much and no matter what other impression you are under, I don't deserve someone half as good as you. No one does. You are perfect and I am more than fortunate – _blessed _– to be becoming your wife today. And if you let me…I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way." I paused, bowing my head a little to steady my breathing. It had shortened to the point of dry sobs again. Finally though, I managed to press on. "And I want you to know that, no matter what happens, Edward, even in death, I will never leave you."

Slowly, carefully, I slid his wedding band into place on the third finger of his left hand, signifying that I had finished my speech. The fingers of his other hand had tightened considerably around mine at some point, touched by my every word but obligated to remain silent until now.

He took my ring from Carlisle and held it for a long moment as he looked me in the eye again, his expression one of such importance that for a second I had to wonder if I hadn't angered him. But his voice was soft as he spoke, flowing graciously from his perfect lips like honey, melting me from the inside out.

"Oh, Bella," he sighed when another silent moment had passed between us, "in a world as dark and unforgiving as ours, you have showed me the impenetrable good that lies within us all. I have made mistakes in my life – some that are…very hard to live with – but you made them bearable. You proved to me that there is a good and loving God somewhere out there. Because if there weren't…" his eyes flickered briefly toward Renee, Phil and Charlie, uncertain, "…I would have done something unforgivable the day we met."

I lowered my eyes momentarily, remembering. He had wanted to kill me. He'd nearly done it.

"But I didn't," he pressed on, as though reading my mind, "and only a true, shining miracle could have stopped me. It would have been the biggest mistake of my life, and probably my last if I'd had any idea what I was doing, but it didn't happen. And I thank God every day that you have come into my life instead.

"I must have done something right to be marrying someone like you today. And if it pleases you, I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life devoted to you and only you. I promise to love and protect you…forever. I will never leave you. You are my life, Bella, and you are perfect. You are the reason that I go through every day, happy. You gave my life purpose. I am yours, forever. And I will always love you."

He took my left hand gently between his fingers, holding it still despite the violent trembling that resulted of the tearless sobs that wracked my slender frame now. His words had triggered an emotion in me so deep that the level of affection in it surprised me. I had never been more sure. I wanted to be his. Forever. And I _was _his.

He slid the wedding ring over top of the engagement ring that was already in place on my left hand, raising his eyes to mine when the deed was finally done. Then he looked at Carlisle, suddenly expectant.

His father smiled broadly. "And so," he sighed delightedly, "to that end, nothing would give me more pleasure than to pronounce you both husband and wife." He watched our expressions carefully for the inevitable joy that resulted of his words. Then he sighed again, his next words harboring more meaning than most ends to wedding ceremonies did. It was a purpose entirely unique to us. "You may now kiss the bride."

Edward flew in so fast that I had to wonder if this hadn't been what he had been fantasizing about the whole time. But it didn't matter. It was what I wanted too. Just to be closer to him. To touch him and be a part of him. My arms locked behind his neck while he kissed me, his own arms around my waist, tightening, pulling me closer. I clung to him, parting my lips as the passion of the moment took over, tasting the sweetness of him on my tongue. My husband. Forever and always.

A part of me couldn't believe it was true. It was too good to be true. But then another part of me knew it had to be. After everything that had happened, it was only right that we were finally married. Still, I was _married. _To _Edward_. This had to be a dream. A dream that I never wanted to end.

I could hear the minute but strong applause as the kiss ended and Tanya and Eleazar struck up the music again. Edward pulled me into his strong embrace, kissing my hair as he tucked it beneath his chin, his hard arms locking around my shoulders. I hung onto him too, my arms around his waste, wanting as much closeness as I could possibly get. I could feel him trembling slightly around me, shaking with the weight of the emotion that seemed to have overtaken him now. I cried too, dry and tearless as always, but the intent was there. I never wanted to leave him. Ever.

My mother was crying as she approached me at the reception, arms outstretched and spewing congratulations as she pulled me into a crushing hug. I held my breath purposefully, forcing a smile as I struggled against the instinct that was still painfully difficult to ignore.

"I can't believe my little girl's married!" She exclaimed in a voice so high that it was almost ultrasonic. She drew back then, holding me at arm's length as she freed one of her hands to reach for a slice of the cake Alice had ordered – a mere necessity. We had to keep the guests happy.

"Not that I completely approve of course," she disclaimed quickly as she returned her attention to me. "First you write me an e-mail that rips my heart out –"

I rolled my eyes. "Don't be melodramatic, Mom," I pleaded.

She shook her head quickly. "I'm not," she assured me. "I'm just saying, you can't just disappear out of our lives forever, Bella and expect it to be okay!"

"But I came back," I added pointedly. "I could have just gotten married in Alaska."

She nodded, thoughtful. "True," she said around a mouthful of cake. "And I'm glad you did. I wouldn't have missed this for the world."

I smiled a little and glanced around. Edward was at the opposite end of Charlie's backyard, speaking with Kate and Irina. As if he'd felt my gaze, his own eyes flickered in my direction and he winked, my favorite crooked grin spreading across his perfect lips. My smile broadened. "This is the happiest day of my life," I murmured just under my breath, directing the statement more at myself than Renee, but of course, she heard.

"And for a good reason," she replied, suddenly serious. My eyes drifted reluctantly back to her face. "Bella, I'm not just telling you this as your mother." She raised the hand that was not holding the napkin supporting the cake and placed it on my shoulder. "I'm telling you this as someone who is strongly opposed to getting married straight out of high school…I think you made the right choice."

Suddenly she had my full attention. I could feel the line of my forehead as my expression intensified. "Really?" For as long as I could remember my mother had ground into me the horrifying consequences of marrying young. She didn't want me to end up the way she and Charlie had. Mature, responsible people waited, she'd told me. Mature, responsible people made the smart choice.

But already Renee was nodding, contradicting my apparent assumption. "I do," she told me. Then she shook her head, suddenly very profound. "Bella, I have never seen two people more in love than you and Edward, except for maybe in Disney films." – This made me smile. – "But the difference is you two are as real as they come. I listened to your vows to one another today and I couldn't help but think that you both are incredibly mature beyond your years." – Edward more than myself and for a good reason – "It's deeper than anything your father and I ever had. Deeper than anything I think _anyone's _had. The way that he looks at you," her eyes flickered in Edward's direction momentarily, "that's true love, baby. I see that look and I know that he would do anything, _anything _for you."

I nodded my agreement. "It wouldn't be the first time," I told her quietly, my voice excessively thoughtful all of a sudden.

Renee carried on as though she hadn't heard me. "It's weird though…" She pressed on, her voice wondering.

My eyes snapped back to her face. "What is?" I asked, only a little concerned with what she may have discovered.

She seemed to be struggling with her words. She shrugged. "You've changed since I last saw you, Bella," she told me, making my smile fade a little. "You're different, but…still the same. I don't know what it is. When I first met Edward, I thought for certain there was something about him that was…I don't know…too perfect to be human."

I suppressed the wince that nearly touched the surface. I couldn't show the reaction her words triggered.

"And now _you're_…exactly the same. All of them are exactly the same. It's like you've become one of them…"

I tried not to take her words too literally.

"And I can see how happy you are," Renee redirected suddenly, the bright smile returning to her features, "and I couldn't be happier _for _you."

I grinned, relieved. "Thanks, Mom," I told her sincerely and then I was serious again. "And I really am sorry about the e-mail…I thought…" I worked hard to think of a good lie. But then I knew she would see right through it. "Everything would be fine and things started happening very quickly. I thought I was protecting you." There. That was true. There was no way she could call me on that one.

But Renee was already nodding again, dashing my fears with the mock-seriousness that struck her features then. "I'll never understand why you did it," she told me solemnly, "but it's in the past now. How about we leave it there?" Her smile returned again.

I threw my arms around her neck, ignoring the overwhelming scent of human blood as it cascaded through my senses. "Thank you," I whispered in a strangled voice as I hugged her, "and I promise to call you every week from Alaska…" Every week for a while anyway; I would have to break it off at some point, but not just yet. No one said I had to see her. But I _would _call.

"Every week," she agreed, "and I'll come and visit you too."

I pulled out of the hug, my face falling a little. "No, Mom," I corrected her quickly, thinking at a pace I wasn't used to. "You go back to Florida and enjoy your life with Phil. I don't want you dragging yourself away constantly to come and see me – it's not good for the marriage…either of ours." I paused, hoping I was getting through. "I'll be fine. Really. And I promise to keep in touch."

Renee smiled again. "Promise?"

I grinned and nodded. "Cross my heart and hope to die." – _Yeah right, like that'll ever happen. _

"And you'll let me know the second you're pregnant?"

I cringed. "Mom!"

One of her hands slapped to her forehead suddenly, as though she were mentally scolding herself. "Oh, of course, of course," she nodded, seeming to understand whatever she thought I was saying, "you'll want to wait until you're finished school for that. That's good. Smart."

I raised one eyebrow quizzically. "You don't think it would have been smarter to wait until I was older to get married?" I challenged, curious as to what her answer would be.

But she merely nodded. "Of course I do," she confirmed confidently, "but the smart choice isn't always the right one, Bella. And as I said, you _definitely _made the right choice today."

I beamed. _The smart choice isn't always the right one. _Those had to be the most profound words I had ever heard from Renee Dwyer. And it was good advice. "I'll have to remember that," I told her with a calm laugh.

Suddenly her attention was on the cake in her hand and I laughed as she licked her lips. "This cake is amazing!" She exclaimed suddenly. "And the ceremony was beautiful, Bella. I love your dress…"

I listened quietly while Renee babbled about various wedding details. It was good to be in her company one last time, if it was, indeed, the last time. I may very well see her again. But after perhaps a few years I would have to stop the visits altogether. Even she was bound to notice I had stopped aging. Wasn't she? Either way, I knew the trouble my lack of attentiveness would cause, but I didn't see that I had a choice. Hadn't she just said _the smart choice isn't always the right one? _But who's to say which is which?

It only occurred to me then that eventually I would outlive all of my relatives, however limited they may be. I would have to let go at some point, although I supposed that if I were human I would have outlived my parents anyway, so what was the difference? Wasn't that how it was supposed to work? Still, it wasn't easy to shake the sadness that washed through me when I thought of life without them both. Despite everything I still loved Renee and Charlie painfully dearly. But I would have Edward. Life without them only meant I would have the life I had always wanted. And I still wanted it, no matter what it cost. The pain of losing Renee and Charlie would only hurt for a moment. The joy of having Edward forever would last an eternity. That had to compensate for it.

Suddenly a sound different from Renee's prattling intruded my thoughts. Was that what I thought it was? Oh _crap_.

I wheeled around. Emmett was already standing on a chair, a knife and Champaign glass in hand as he called the attention of the entire wedding party to himself. I shot him a questioning glance. What the hell did he think he was doing? Oh, God. This was _not _happening. It was only then that I realized Jasper was close at his side, waiting for his own turn.

A part of me was actually intrigued. It would certainly be interesting to hear what he intended to say…

He held up one hand in my direction, signifying that there was no need for panic. A broad smile colored his naturally playful features as he made himself look unnecessarily tall on the reception chair. Slowly, the yard hushed to listen.

"Hello, everyone," Emmett greeted each one of the guests in an unnaturally formal manner for his usual characteristic. "First, I would just like to thank everyone for coming. All…three of you." A low chuckle emitted from the miniscule crowd. "But of course, there's the lovely Tanya and her wonderful family," – he gestured in their direction – "thank _you _for coming as well. It really means a lot to all of us…um…I just wanted to say how lucky we all are to be accepting someone like Bella into our family today." His voice grew serious and I acquired a quiet but grateful smile as I listened. I knew how difficult it was for Emmett to be serious about anything.

"Bella is definitely…one of a kind. I knew that from the day I met her," he continued, his eyes roaming the yard until they fell upon me. "I don't know if you all know this, but this marriage is…doubly special for me, because not only is the groom my little brother," – he bobbed Edward on the top of the head from where he stood – "but the bride I already love as a little sister." The feeling in his voice deepened. "And…she's the greatest little sister a guy could ask for."

I heard the low chorus of 'aww's as they arose from the cluster of wedding-goers. I ignored it. Emmett wasn't finished.

"And I don't know if you all know _this_," he began again, "but…not too long ago we had a very…tragic thing happen in our family." The timbre in his voice darkened to an uncharacteristic extent as he remembered, fighting to swallow the emotion that was threatening to overwhelm him. "We lost a mother and devoted wife very…unexpectedly. She held this family together and I know that there is nothing more she would want than to be here today. And while I know that no one could ever take the place of our mother – because she was an incredible mother…" Suddenly Emmett's voice broke and it startled me. I wasn't used to hearing Emmett cry. It was definitely the first time I had done so, but he quickly recollected himself and pressed on, "We began to think that maybe someone _could _step in to help the healing process along, and that maybe for someone as special as our Bella, we could all just…make a little room in our hearts." He grinned in my direction and raised the Champaign glass he held in one hand – although I was sure he didn't intend to drink from it. He opened his mouth to say something when Jasper abruptly cut in.

"Wait!" He cried suddenly, waving his brother down from the chair. He took his place and smiled a little sheepishly at the small crowd. "Sorry," he apologized as he stood on the chair. "Best man number two has something to say." – Again, the low, mutual chuckle – "Um…" he glanced down at Edward briefly and seemed to formulate a good speech opening in his head. "This guy," he patted Edward once on the shoulder and returned his eyes to the guests, "I have known for a long time and…sometimes it feels like he's been my brother for a hundred years."

I stifled a laugh. _Good cover, Jasper_.

"I've known him alone and I've known him with Bella and I have to say, there is nothing in this world that can make me doubt how much happier he is _with _her. When I really think about it, I realize how fortunate I was to find Alice so easily. And Emmett and Rosalie have the same circumstances to be grateful for, and Esme and Carlisle were already together when we met them…but…you know, Edward has always sort of been the odd man out.

"For the longest time it felt like he would have to go through life a third or fifth or…_seventh_ wheel. We never really knew if he even _wanted _to be with someone…but we always thought that no one…could ever be good enough for our wonderful brother. We all loved him so much and we would have rathered he be alone than with someone who didn't take care of him…but then, Bella…we never thought he would find someone as perfect as you."

My smile turned to one of modest embarrassment suddenly as I studied the ground around the brim of Esme's dress.

"We know how much you love him," Jasper pressed on, his eyes only on me now, "and we couldn't be happier that it's you we're gaining as a sister here today. I want you to know that…I'm _proud_…to be your brother." He raised his own Champaign glass, addressing the entire crowd then, "to the two most perfect people in the world for one another…to Edward and Bella."

The chill of delight hadn't even reached the base of my spine before the wedding party echoed Jasper's toast, raising their glasses – although only three drank. Most of the others would take the smallest of sips simply for the sake of tradition, visibly cringing at the taste while the rest merely emptied their glasses on the grass while Renee, Phil and Charlie weren't watching.

Again, the small but enthused applause. Then Jasper spoke over it once more, his voice lighter than it had been a moment ago, the gravity of purpose gone. "Now, if Tanya would be so kind as to bless us with a song, Edward and Bella can come together for their first dance as husband and wife."

Still a little paralyzed by the speeches of my apparent _brothers_, it took me a moment to realize that Edward was already headed across what would become the dance floor toward me. My eyes were still on Jasper, watching as he finished and hopped gracefully down from the chair. I started, suddenly realizing that I had to start moving again.

Renee was already pushing me in Edward's direction, whispering encouragements in my ear all the while. "Go, go, go," she muttered quietly, oblivious to the fact that Edward and probably every inhuman guest hear could hear her perfectly.

The sheepish grin that spread across my features as I came to stand before my _husband _confused me a little. Shy was the last thing I had expected to be. But emotions were running wild with me at the moment. I was still having trouble believing anyone could ever be so fortunate as to have a family like mine. Let alone _Edward_.

He beamed my favorite crooked smile as a tender and soothing melody started up at the piano in the corner of the yard – they had hauled it all the way back here as well.

He still looked as god-like as ever – more so I was sure, than when I'd first met him. He was perfect. And he was mine.

His arms wound around my waist while mine encircled his neck, no longer concerned with formalities of ballroom dancing. This way was more comfortable. More enjoyable. It was how I wanted to be with him.

I remembered our first dance together – prom. My mind struggled to shy away from the recollection but I wouldn't let it. This was something I _wanted _to remember now. Something that I could look back upon and laugh at. I had been beyond awkward, with one leg set in a thick cast and my own debilitating human clumsiness of course, but Edward had made me look good. I remembered how wonderful it had been, twirling around on his feet in the school gym, next to his family – a radiance no other couples in the school could come close to. It had all been so enthralling.

And now I was a part of it. A part of _him_. Forever and always. Still smiling uncontrollably, I let my hands slide down his neck, resting over his hard chest along with my cheek, closing my eyes as we swayed to the sweet cascades of the music. Tanya was singing something. I didn't pay attention to what. I only paid attention to him. My love. My life.

There wasn't need for words, but he spoke them anyway, and I wasn't surprised to be thankful to hear his irresistible voice purring in my ear. "Bella?" He muttered so low that only I had a chance of hearing.

I could raise my head to look at him, could barely speak. "Hmm?" Was all I could respond with.

His voice disappeared to a tender whisper. "Can I keep you?"

I sighed quietly, not bothering to fight the smile that crept onto my lips then. "I'm yours," I whispered in return, finally drawing back just enough to look up at him. "Forever."

His deep ochre eyes smoldered as they bore into mine and his expression deepened somehow. Slowly, he crossed the miniscule but still painstakingly far inch to my lips, his touch warm and affectionate against them as he kissed me for the second time today. This kiss was different. The urgency was gone. The passion lingered, but in a softer form. It was comforting, as though he knew we had eternity together and there was no need for haste anymore. No need for panic. Nor sadness. No need for anything except one another. And that we would always have.

When our lips finally parted, it was indefinite. Our foreheads remained together, our lips only centimeters apart in case we needed them again. Edward's voice was still impossibly low when he spoke again. "Do you have any idea how much I love you?" He murmured so closely that I felt his sweet breath on my face.

I smiled a little too close to his lips. "You know, I think for once I do," I replied tenderly and his smile grew, knowing.

"Then you don't," he assured me softly. "You never can."

I sighed, opening my eyes to see into his perfect face. "I might surprise you," I reminded him contentedly. I was sure I knew more than he could imagine.

But Edward looked indignantly amused to this claim. "You don't think we've had enough surprises for one lifetime?" He chuckled gently as we danced, but my reaction was simply his magnified.

"I hope not," I replied casually, bewildering him with my response. "Surprises are what make life worth living. You wouldn't bother reading a story if there were no unexpected twists, now would you?"

He grinned suddenly. "You know," he breathed in a voice barely above a whisper, "I am never again going to regret not being in your head. You surprise me every single day."

My smile equaled his own and I sighed again. I twisted my head ever so slightly to look around at the other members of the party, who were slowly filtering onto the dance floor. "Today was…beautiful," I breathed quietly, only to him. "Everything was perfect…" suddenly another thought invaded my tranquil mind, corrupting it. "Where's Carlisle anyway?" It was only occurring to me now that I hadn't seen him since the ceremony.

But Edward's laugh made me look back at him. I realized how needless my overbearing attitude may appear to someone who was out of the loop as he was. "Jeez, Bella, give the man some breathing room," he laughed quietly as his eyes drew in my face. "These last few weeks you jump every time he sneezes."

I looked at him a little indignantly.

"It's just an expression," he explained quickly. "And what are you so worried about anyway?" He wondered aloud. "Carlisle's fine now."

I sighed. "That's what you think," I replied a little more loudly than intended.

Before I could go back and censor myself, Edward's perfect eyebrows knit together in obvious puzzlement. "What do you mean?" He asked.

I sighed for what felt like the thousandth time. Edward was my husband now. We shouldn't keep secrets from one another, even if we'd promised someone else we'd do so, and especially if the secret was putting that person in harm's way.

I tried hard to think of a way to tell him. "Edward –"

The soft 'ahem' of someone clearing their throat stopped me before I got a chance to begin. Edward turned and I glanced over his shoulder. The blond doctor himself stood there, appearing half expectant, half knowing. He cocked one eyebrow purposefully. "Cutting in?" He asked permission of his son a little too politely.

But Edward merely displayed that flawless crooked smile of his and nodded, his arms untangling themselves from me. "Sure," he replied good-naturedly, winking once in my direction as though to indicate I had no reason to worry. Then he stepped aside, disappearing to the other side of the yard.

I blushed inwardly as Carlisle took me up in a more formal slow-dancing position. One of his gentle hands came to rest carefully on my waist while the other took mine into it, selflessly leading me to the sway of the music.

I didn't say anything. I wasn't going to be the one to break the silence. I didn't know where he was on any of the matters we had addressed before. I didn't know what he wanted me to say. Fortunately for me, it wasn't long before he spoke, shattering the awkwardness of the moment. He'd waited until Edward was well out of earshot.

"You really do look perfect in that dress, Bella," he told me sincerely, his voice too kind. The absence of pain in it frightened me a little. I'd grown accustomed to the sad, lonely Carlisle. I no longer knew what to make of this one.

So I merely nodded once, forcing the smallest of smiles. "Thank you," I replied, trying to make the words sound easy and care-free. It didn't quite come out right.

Carlisle laughed suddenly, startling me. "You don't have to worry anymore, Bella," he assured me softly. "I know what you've been stressing about but you can relax now. I'm not going anywhere."

My eyes snapped to his face and it was a long moment before I could speak again. When I did I found my voice had crept up in volume. "You're not?" I confirmed, the corners of my mouth turning up a little in what could be a hint of a smile. Was he saying what I thought he was saying? Or was he merely leading me in to another disappointment?

Slowly, Carlisle shook his head, the tranquil smile never leaving his perfect lips. "No," he replied, "I'm not." He sighed heavily all of a sudden, his ochre eyes briefly scanning the yard full of his friends and family before they returned to my face. "You made me see that the love I can have for one person, no matter how strong, can't make me forget the love that I have for my family." His eyes strayed from mine a second time momentarily and he nodded across the yard to where Edward was now dancing with Alice. They were laughing as he twirled her in a tight circle and continued swaying casually to the music.

"Look at them," Carlisle breathed a little airily before returning his gaze to my face again. His voice had deepened with a compassion I had only ever heard when he spoke of his children. "They really are beautiful. All of them. Esme loved them all so much and so do I. I look at them and I know what she would have wanted. I couldn't leave them for anything."

My eyes met his again with a new kind of severity in them. They dug for the most sincere promise. It was there.

"It's more than an obligation to stay, Bella," he told me more seriously. "It's a blessing. I know that now. When I married you two I realized that I wasn't ready to go. And I probably never will be. I _want _to stay…to see this family grow and thrive if nothing else."

My eyes bore into his for the longest of moments, thoughtful. "But what about Esme?" I asked before I could stop myself. It wasn't that I was opposed to the idea of Carlisle staying; it was exactly the opposite. But the way he'd spoken of his wife not too long ago had convinced me that she was the most important thing to him. That she had always been the most important thing to him. What had changed?

Carlisle sighed again and studied the ground momentarily. Then he looked back up at me. "Esme will always be the most dear and treasured thing in my heart, Bella. I loved her so much and she will always be on my mind. There's nothing anyone can ever do to change that…but listening to you and Edward at the alter made me realize that I don't have to throw away my life to be with Esme and while I would be more than willing – _happy _– to do so, there are others that still need me here. That _I _still need. That I still _love_. And maybe, someday, when the time is right, I _will _see Esme again. But until then I know that she will always be with me in mind and spirit…that never has and never will change."

I found myself smiling minutely at my father-in-law as I listened. There. Everything he'd said. Every word was right. There hadn't been a single claim wrong. He'd just stated everything I'd ever wanted to tell him since the death of his wife. Everything that would help him move on and be happy.

Carlisle's eyes drifted to Edward yet again, who had switched off and was now dancing with Rosalie. "I couldn't be prouder of him today," he murmured almost so low that I wasn't entirely certain it was meant for me to hear. "Ever since I changed him, Bella, saved him from that awful flu all those decades ago, tore him away from the natural course of events he was meant to take, I wondered if I made the right choice…" he looked back at me. "And now I know.

"You came along and you gave him life, Bella. You gave me a reason to be proud of keeping him alive. And I will always owe you for that."

My smile turned to one of modesty and I shook my head. "You don't owe me for anything, Carlisle," I promised him quietly. "As long as you're here, you've done enough. Without you Edward wouldn't be alive today. And _I _will always owe _you _for that. So why don't we call it even?"

Carlisle laughed, his voice suddenly light with good nature. He nodded. "Alright then," he chuckled. "Let's call it even."

I grinned. Nothing could have made me happier today, I was sure. Carlisle was _happy_. Really and truly _happy. _And then another thought entered my mind. He may have been happy, but he was still alone. Now _he _was the odd man out. I wished there was something I could do about that…

"So," I began again, my voice more tentative this time as I wondered if there would _ever _be a right time for this subject to come up, "do you think…you could ever be happy again…with someone else?" I visibly winced as the words flowed from my lips. Saying them out loud I realized how ridiculous they truly were. I should never have asked such a thing. Of course he couldn't…could he?

Carlisle looked at me more seriously now, but the spark of compassion and good nature never left his eyes. "Could you?" He asked me purposefully, his smooth voice making it clear that he wasn't offended in the least by my question, but willing to answer.

Before the words had even left his lips I was glancing over his shoulder to where Edward was dancing with his sisters. I remembered my words to him in the car that awful night after my birthday. _"I'd rather die than be with Mike Newton," _I'd said._ "I'd rather die than be with anyone but you." _He'd thought I was being overly dramatic. He hadn't realized at the time just how true every word had been.

Heaving a heavy sigh, I shook my head earnestly. I couldn't lie, not even for his sake. He would see right through it. "No," I breathed in obvious defeat. "I couldn't."

I was quiet then for the longest of seconds. A new song had started while I wasn't paying attention. Carlisle and I were still dancing. I took the opportunity to look him in the face one more time, fighting down the guilt that had slowly crept into my gut after asking the question. "I'm sorry," I murmured gently, my voice darkening suddenly.

But Carlisle was still smiling that beautiful, forgiving smile. "Bella, you have nothing to be sorry for," he told me earnestly. "For what it's worth I should thank you for trying. It's good to know that you care so much."

My smile returned, the brightness in my eyes sparking back to life at his words. Despite some of my worst expectations, this day truly had turned out to be the best of my life. Nothing could ever top it.

Suddenly a new, bell-like voice chimed from behind me. I felt Tanya's delicate fingers on my shoulder. "Cutting in?"

I grinned, turning a little to face her as I let go of Carlisle. Nodding once contentedly, I stepped away. Tanya would be good for Carlisle to speak to. She was more like him than any vampire I'd ever met. She possessed that same, calm, wise air about her and she always knew just what to say to make everything alright. Taking a couple more steps back, I watched while they danced. The music was still going, but the lyrics had quieted for the moment – the rest of Tanya's family was still standing as the band while she had left the set.

I glanced over to where I'd seen Edward earlier, hoping to fit in another dance. But it seemed he already had another dance partner. My mother. And she looked as though she was enjoying it a little too much. Rolling my eyes, I laughed quietly to myself as I turned my eyes away again. She'd had one too many glasses of Champaign in my opinion.

It was only now that I realized Edward must have known about Carlisle all along. I'd forgotten how easily he could 'hear' things and keep them to himself. He was used to acting as though nothing was wrong. But he had been right when he'd told me Carlisle was fine as well. I should have simply trusted him. I would have to learn to start doing that a little more…

I took another step back to give dancing couples room. That's when I smelled him behind me. Holding my breath, I whirled around. Charlie stood there, grinning a little sheepishly as though he wanted to ask something. I beamed. "Did you want to dance, Dad?" I offered, holding out one hand to him.

I saw his face go scarlet as he suppressed the answering smile. "If that's what you want, Bells," he replied quietly, setting his own Champaign glass on the food table.

I grinned. "Of course it is." I took his hand and pulled him out close to where Carlisle and Tanya were dancing. I did my best to dance while keeping my distance, but he pulled me closer than expected. I decided not to fight it. This was the only father-daughter dance Charlie was ever going to get. I let him enjoy it. And I quickly learned that the discomfort of holding my breath indefinitely was worth the result of ease. It really did help.

Charlie didn't speak, which was fine by me. I hadn't expected him to know what to say anyway and I was content to enjoy the dance. Quickly though, I realized how easily my sharp ears could pick up on the conversation that were going on around me. I zeroed in on Carlisle and Tanya, realizing suddenly that they had been talking for the past couple of minutes.

Tanya sounded as though she might be telling Carlisle how wonderfully she thought he was doing. "I'm glad," she was saying in response to something he had said. "And I could stay for a while too if you want," she offered kindly. "I could help you restore the house and make sure you're all set up here in Forks."

I listened harder. We were staying in Forks? "My family will be fine in Denali on their own for a while," she continued. "I'm sure they wouldn't mind…"

I listened harder still for Carlisle's reply. _Yes, please, please, please, please, please, please, please. _Suddenly I felt like a small child begging their father to let a really nice lady stay, which was exactly what I was doing, but the decision seemed perfectly clear to me. It would be good for Carlisle – good for _all _of us for that matter – to have Tanya around. And I wanted to stay in Forks. Whether I had been proud of it in the beginning or not, the tiny, rainy town was my home now and I had grown to like it. Denali was nice, but this way we could start getting back to the way things used to be. We could go to school. I could keep an eye on Charlie – I knew eventually he would notice my lack of change over the years, but we would find a way to work something out. We always did. Maybe he didn't have to know we were living here…the Cullens had pulled it off for decades before they 'moved' to Forks only a few years ago.

And I wanted to restore the house. It would be so good for everyone…

I thought Carlisle nodded, but I didn't let myself look. "Thank you," he told her after a moment. "That would be…very helpful." _Yes! _

I couldn't keep the grin from breaking through my features as I held myself closer to Charlie. If he noticed I would make it seem like I was simply happy to be dancing with him. He didn't have to know how good my hearing was.

Then I opened my eyes. Just as sharp as my ears, they picked up on something no one else had a chance of seeing. A sight that was meant only for me. A beacon. I would have to diplomatically excuse myself for a moment. Jacob Black stood at the edge of the woods behind Charlie's house, staring intently in my direction.


	50. Chapter 50: Full Circle

**Okay, deep breath here it is. The last chapter. I really hope you enjoy it and I just wanted to dedicate this story to all the wonderful people who stuck by me over the weeks upon weeks of writing. I want you to know that without your wonderful encouragement and reviews, I never would have gotten past the first chapter. Because of you this story has become more to me than just a fanfiction. It has become a message of hope and understanding to be spread through writing and I've really fallen in love with it as you have. I want you to know that I am considering writing a sequel, because I'm not sure I'm ready to let go yet. So here it is. Enjoy! And may you find hope in the words, comfort in the message and love in whatever you choose to take from it. I love you all!**

**Chapter 50: Full Circle**

People would notice when I went missing – one of the unfortunate consequences of being the bride and therefore the center of attention more or less. But Edward would cover for me. He would say I was emotion or needed a few minutes to myself. Whatever he said, it didn't matter to me. This was something I had to do and, as I turned briefly to see Edward wink and nod once in my direction as I crossed the field to the woods, I knew he would understand.

Alice would have no idea. I may simply disappear from her vision for a while, but Edward would assure her everything was fine. I would be back before anyone knew I was gone.

I'd slipped away as quietly as I could, glad for a little time away from the party and my parents – although not entirely glad for being away from Edward. Although I supposed it didn't make that much of a difference; we would always have eternity together so it couldn't hurt to slip away briefly to grant myself one – probably last – second with Jacob. It was a second that deserved to be had. And I owed him this much. I never could have ended the war by myself, after all. He deserved a proper explanation at least.

Holding the brim of Esme's dress above my ankles so as to keep it from dragging in the dirt, I strode purposefully over to where I knew Jacob was still standing – although he'd disappeared from view – leaning against the trunk of one of the trees just out of sight. I could smell him.

I stole minimal glances over my shoulder as I reached the edge of the tree line and stepped in, confident now that no one but Edward had noticed my quiet escape.

I stopped when I spotted Jacob, not three feet from where I stood, resting his bare back casually against the green bark of one of Forks' magnificent trees. His eyes had been critical only moments ago, but softened as they took me in, a surprising smile suddenly crossing his lips. His husky voice hadn't changed in the least. "Bella, you look…amazing," he half-whispered a little throatily. "That dress…"

"It's Esme's," I informed him quickly.

"Ah."

I thought for a moment. "How are you?" I asked finally, coming up with the only ice breaker I could think of.

Jacob shrugged his massive shoulders. "Better now," he told me. "I won't lie, Bella. It stung a little when I found out about…" he gestured to my dress again. "You know."

I nodded, understanding.

"But then I saw you walking down that aisle today and I realized how simple it was."

I was right. He _had _been watching. But I was confused. "Simple?" I confirmed, raising one eyebrow inquisitively.

Jacob shrugged a second time. "You're happy," he clarified.

A small smile broke my features and I studied the dirt under my feet for a long moment. One thing I had to give Jake credit for, he did care about the right things. I couldn't deny him that nobility. I had never truly thought of Jacob Black as _noble_, but today he'd proved me wrong. I thought of Carlisle's line. _Speak now or forever hold your peace. _Jacob had chosen the second option, despite everything. But then, perhaps he simply didn't know what he would have said given the chance. Either way, I was touched that he'd chosen to remain silent. It really meant something to me. It meant that he cared.

I looked back up at him then, still beaming. "You know you could have come," I informed him a little too kindly, gesturing to where the rest of my family was still celebrating in Charlie's yard. "We have plenty of food and only three people to finish it off…"

But Jacob was already looking morally opposed to that idea. "I didn't want to crash the party," he explained indifferently, although I was sure it wasn't as indifferent to him as he made it seem. It was true; pulling a werewolf into the picture now wouldn't have been the best of notions. I'd forgotten how hostile certain members of my family still were to the Quileutes. But then, it was too easy for me to forget. I was there. They weren't. They were more than willing to keep the peace from here on out, as agreed, but that didn't mean they wanted to share sacred ceremonies with the wolves. This was fine with me. Peace was more than I had ever expected to have in the first place. I was at least grateful for that.

I nodded my understanding. "That's probably best," I agreed. "But I for one am glad to see you here. I wanted to thank you again…for everything."

He nodded too. "Sure, sure," he replied casually, as though it wasn't have as big a deal as I'd made it out to be. "But, Bella, believe me, I don't deserve your thanks. If it weren't for us this whole 'war' mess never would have got started in the first place."

I was a little indignant to this. "Actually, Jake, it's more like if it weren't for _me _this whole 'war' mess never would have got started in the first place…" – his face fell so I regrouped before he could protest – "but I can see your point. Thanks anyway."

He nodded a second time. Then he was suddenly serious again. "Bella, I just came to tell you that…we're going to be leaving Forks for a while."

My eyes widened as they snapped to his face abruptly. "What?" I croaked, suddenly horror-stricken.

Jake held both hands up a little defensively before I could lose it completely. "Sam agreed to leave your family be," he promised me, "but he thinks it would be best if we…went away…for a bit. He's afraid someone else is going to get hurt if we live too close to the Cullens after everything that's happened and he wants to give Paul a chance to…mature a little."

I raised my eyebrows. "Oh," I said after a moment. "Well that's good I guess…how did you know we were moving back?"

Jake shrugged. "Well, I just assumed the only reason you were in Denali to begin with was because of us and eventually you'd be coming back anyway…"

I nodded, understanding. "Well, that's very…generous…of Sam," I told him.

Jacob nodded too for what felt like the thousandth time. "Yeah," he sighed after a moment. "He's really come around since I mentioned how Esme was to you what Emily is to us. It's really changed the whole pack's outlook a little…although Paul could still use a little…convincing. He doesn't quite get the whole 'family' concept of yours. But it shouldn't be long before he starts understanding…" Jake's voice trailed off and I understood perfectly. The pack could communicate thousands of times faster than any human or even vampires could. They had no secrets. One member's opinions were the opinions of the entire pack. They understood one another.

But my face fell again after a moment. "Will I ever see you again?" I questioned slowly, my eyes scrutinizing his face for the level of honesty in his answer. Even after everything he'd done to me, to _us_, the notion of Jake disappearing forever wasn't a pill that was easily swallowed. I had to remember how much he'd done for me. Both now and all those months ago in Edward's absence. We'd had some really wonderful times together. What would I ever do without him?

But Jacob was already nodding, causing the mammoth muscles in his neck to flex in a bit of an intimidating manner. "I think so," he replied lightly. "What with you living forever and all…it shouldn't be too difficult to meet up again somewhere down the line." This was meant to be funny. It wasn't. Did this mean he didn't expect to return within the span of one lifetime? How long would it be?

With an agonizing jolt I realized Jacob Black wouldn't be around forever, as I would. Wolves didn't age the same way humans did, at least not at first. They could live for centuries if the will was there, but once they made the decision to settle down and stop phasing, it was human years for them from then on out. I would lose him eventually. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not for a hundred years, but eventually. Why was this so hard? Why did I care this much? But then I knew the answer to that was simple.

Slowly, I dragged in a deep but unsteady breath. "When are you leaving?" I asked tentatively, uncertain if I wanted to know the answer. It couldn't have been worse if I'd dreamt it in a nightmare.

"Now," he told me. "I came to say goodbye."

I could feel the knot tightening again in my throat. "Oh, Jake." Without thinking, I threw my arms around his thick neck, feeling but not being repulsed by the heat that radiated so potently off his skin. Carefully, his huge arms encircled my back.

"Aw, Bells, honey it's not so bad," he murmured quietly in my ear when he realized what he'd done. "I'll come back. And until then you and the rest of your…_family _will have Forks all to yourself."

I nodded. That at least would be nice. "But I'll still miss you," I murmured, my voice muffled against his chest.

He hugged me a little tighter. "Yeah," he sighed, "but it'll be better this way. You'll see. This town isn't big enough for two packs of monsters."

This made me laugh a little. Only because it was too true. Forks was small. Monsters probably made up half of the population as it was. We had to cut it down a little and Jacob knew none of the people would be harmed on our watch. There was no reason for them to be here for protection.

I pulled away finally, drawing in another composing breath. "So who exactly is leaving?" I asked for the sake of conversation if nothing else – I didn't want him to leave just yet.

Jake looked thoughtful. "Well, just the pack really. Chances are more will end up phasing at some point but don't worry – Billy will keep them in check…maybe you could drop in on him sometime? Just to make sure he's alright?"

I nodded, more than willing. "Of course, Jake," I promised him.

He nodded one more time. "Alright then." He drew me in for one last hug, making it last. "And we'll be back. As soon as everyone's under control and we know where we stand, we'll be back."

I tried to nod, but only made it half way. I hugged him tighter, careful still of crushing his bones – something I never thought I would have to be careful of.

Finally though, Jake shook me off – he had to use a bit of force to do it. "They'll be wondering where you are," he reminded me gently, clearly searching for any excuse that could cause me to be the one to leave instead of him.

I looked at him seriously. "Yeah…" I tilted my head a little in the direction of the wedding reception, reluctant.

Jacob smiled his beautiful smile, giving me more of a reason. "Go," he encouraged softly. "Be with your husband." The term flowed uncharacteristically easily from his full lips.

I looked at him once more, my eyes boring into his hard features. "Thank you," I told him one more time. "And take care of yourself…for me."

He nodded yet again. "I will…bye Bells."

I had to force myself to turn away but I did it. "Bye," I murmured so low that I could only trust he heard. Then, slowly at first, I made my way back across the field toward Charlie's yard. Then I broke into a run. Only when I had nearly reached the edge of the reception again did I let myself turn to look back. Jacob wasn't there.

I stood for a moment, staring at the vacant darkness of the woods that used to house his towering form. They were leaving. It felt so odd. Right. But odd. How could there not be a Jacob Black down in LaPush every time I wanted to go? How could there be no horse-sized canines terrorizing the forests of Forks, playing at the boundary lines and causing trouble? It seemed so…unnatural for the town. But he was right. It would be better this way. My family would be happier. And that was what mattered. If they were happy, I was happy. I had Edward.

I kept my distance from the crowd as I worked my way around the yard. Attracting attention the way I smelled at the moment would be about the worst idea. Fortunately no one seemed to notice until I crept up behind Alice, tapping her gingerly on her barely-strapped shoulder. She wheeled to face me.

"Oh, Bella!" Her voice was suddenly choked as her hands darted hastily to cover her nose and mouth. "You stink!"

My own hand flew to my mouth as well, only the purpose of my action was to indicate she should tone it down. I held one finger to my lips. "Shh!" I commanded, not wanting to attract too much attention as I glanced around just to make certain I hadn't. "I know!" I took a deep breath to calm myself before I began again. "I just went to see Jacob…"

Her already huge eyes doubled in size. "You _what_ –?!"

"_Shh!_" I waved my finger in front of my mouth again at the same as I ducked behind her briefly to escape the gazes of Emmett and Rosalie, who stood not too far off. "I'll explain later," I promised her in a harsh whisper. "Can you please just fix it somehow?"

She looked thoughtful all of a sudden, the alarm in her face gone as she considered the wondrous notion of a fresh project. "Hmm…" She mused aloud as she eyed me considerably from head to toe. "I don't know…werewolf smells just don't go away, Bella…" then she seemed to regroup when she caught sight of the desperation in my face. "But I can't let you walk around on your wedding day smelling like that." She turned and waved to me over one shoulder. "Follow me," she commanded quietly.

It wasn't long before she had me miraculously smelling like myself again. The dress had to come off of course – odors stuck to fabric like turpentine and needless to say, Alice was a little more than confused when I refused to replace it with something nice. I pulled on a pair of my old jeans and a T-shirt I hadn't worn for months instead – that, of course, was after she'd dragged me into the shower and hosed me thoroughly from head to toe – something I hadn't expected to have to do again. At least not for a long while anyway. Vampires didn't sweat. They never smelled – except to wolves of course – and their marble-smooth skin was more or less self-cleaning. Showers were for humans. But it was an interesting thing to experience again.

She dried my hair but was dancing around the edges of frustration when I refused to let her redo it fancifully. I instead threw it up into a high ponytail at the back of my head and bounded downstairs before she could protest again. I had an explanation. And it was good. She would like it once it was revealed.

The sky was already darkening as I skipped gleefully out into the yard, feeling more like my old human self than ever. Alice was close in tow, looking a little frazzled.

Edward was first to notice my intriguing choice of wardrobe as he was closest. He raised one eyebrow in curious question, although the crooked smile that crossed his beauteous features then betrayed him to his own amusement.

I looked painfully underdressed next to him. Next to anyone, for that matter, but for once I didn't care. That wasn't what was important today.

"Well," Edward sighed contentedly as he drew me in under the crook of his arm, "I'm sure there is a _fascinating _explanation for this."

I beamed up into his perfect face, happier than I had ever been as I hugged myself closer against his hard side. "Of course," I assured him a little too cheerfully, "but you don't get to find out what it is until after."

Edward's already-raised eyebrow lifted a little more, nearly disappearing into his hairline now. "After what?" He asked, curious.

I didn't bother answering. The clink of metal against glass was already ringing out across the yard, calling our attention to Charlie suddenly. Just like Emmett had, he held a knife and Champaign glass between his hands, although this announcement looked as though it wasn't going to be as formal and he didn't appear too comfortable with the fourteen pairs of eyes that turned on him then. Still, he cleared his throat rather loudly and made himself follow through with it. "Uh…" he sighed hastily, "okay everyone, it looks as though the rain has been kind enough to hold off long enough for one day. Why don't we bring the party inside?"

There was a small, mutual flutter of movement as people – and vampires – moved toward the back door. But I stopped it before anyone had a chance to disappear on me for good. "Uh, actually, Dad," I called over the quiet bustle of movement, stopping everyone where they were, "there was something else I wanted to do today."

Charlie raised his eyebrows, surprised – he hadn't seen my unexpected turn of wardrobe yet. "Oh?" He questioned, clueless.

I nodded, not quite succeeded at keeping the grin off of my face. I turned to Alice suddenly. "Alice," I asked as innocently as I could manage, "how's that storm brewing?"

She smiled, understanding suddenly and I knew she'd already seen it. She held up one hand, holding three fingers erect. As I watched, she counted them down. _Three…two…one…_ Thunder rolled purposefully overhead and my knowing grin blossomed, breaking my features completely. _Perfect. _

Emmett leaned down toward my mother. "Eerie, isn't it?" I heard him whisper to her, making her already intoxicated frame jump.

I laughed. It seemed like a lifetime ago now, but I could recall him muttering the same thing to me once when Alice had made use of her _gifts _to predict a storm. My parents never needed to know _how _she'd done it, but they could certainly laugh at the uncanny 'coincidence' – my mind formed quotation marks around the preposterous word.

Suddenly Tanya was at my side, stage-whispering delightedly in my ear. "We can hold down the fort here if you guys want to go," she assured me kindly.

I beamed at her and nodded. "Thanks," I told her. "I'd really appreciate it."

She nodded once in confirmation before moving to usher both my parents and the rest of her family inside. Edward moved closer to me.

"What's going on?" He asked again, although his tone was colored with trusting curiosity. There was a smile under his words.

I grinned. "Can't you guess?"

Edward's eyes turned to the skies momentarily and his glorious crooked smile confirmed that he already had. Then he glanced back down at my overly-casual clothes. "Oh," he chuckled after a moment.

I nodded. "Oh." I confirmed.

Within the next minute I was able to find Rosalie a pair of jeans that had been a bit long for me and Alice a pair that I'd long-since grown out of. T-shirts were supplied to them both. The boys would do fine in simply their dress pants and the white shirts under their tuxes. It was the girls that needed clothes supplied. I couldn't possibly let them play in their dresses.

Edward was waiting for me out back as my sisters and I snuck past the shrunken party in the front room. I couldn't be sure what Tanya had decided to tell them, but I was certain it wouldn't be a big deal. We would be back soon enough. And her family was more than capable of keeping my parents entertained for an hour or two.

This was something I had been meaning to try since my change. I could recall how incredibly unbelievable it had seemed when I first say it as a human. It was going to be quite entertaining to try my hand at it for the first time as an immortal.

"Did you get them?" I demanded of Emmett as I danced gracefully off of the back porch, still unable to suppress my excitable smile.

Emmett raised one bear-sized fist to reveal a small white object and the other to display an aluminum bat, swinging it casually over one broad shoulder. These were only necessities for us today. I'd made him run to the Newton's Olymipic Outfitters store. I knew they were bound to sell sports supplies there.

I grinned wider and nodded once. "Good," I praised, winding my fingers around Edward's hand suddenly. "Let's go!"

I could hear Carlisle laughing softly behind us as we took off, breaking into a brisk run the moment we were clear of the house's sight-line. I didn't care that my excitement was my family's endless source of amusement at the moment. This was going to be the most fun outing we'd had in a long time – besides the wedding itself of course. I had been looking forward to this for weeks, although things kind of got in the way whenever I considered having a bit of fun. Now we could.

Edward's hand tightened around mine suddenly and he fell back from his family a little, pulling me along with him as he slowed to a walk. The trees had thickened around us and I knew it couldn't be much farther. I recognized this part of the forest. I would never get used to the remarkable lack of time it took for any of us to get places anymore. It truly did make things easier…although perhaps not for newly weds.

Suddenly Edward's smooth lips were at the skin just below my ear. The force of the kisses as they showered my face was enough to cause me to stagger backwards against a neighboring tree trunk. It didn't seem to matter how strong I was. His sheer force of will was stronger. I had to succumb.

"Edward," I managed finally against the skin of his neck. "Edward, they're going to wonder where we are," I murmured, a smile on my lips despite myself.

There was a smile in his voice too as he placed both hands on either side of the huge tree at my back. "They can start without us," he whispered between kisses, moving his lips to the skin under my jaw. I lifted my head slightly and dragged in a deep, unsteady breath. My arms wound around his neck, pulling him closer.

"I love you so much," I whispered in one of his ears as I felt him leave a trail of kisses down my neck to my shoulder.

He raised his head suddenly to look into my face, although it was mere inches from his. A content, tranquil smile played on his perfect lips. "Bella, I have seen you come so far," he breathed and just his scent was enough to send my thoughts reeling. "I still remember that shy girl I dragged up to my house to meet my family more than a year ago…I loved that girl…"

I sighed heavily as I struggled not to be taken in by his smoldering ochre eyes.

"But I never thought I could ever love anyone _this _much." Slowly, his lips fell onto my cheek, lingering there for a long moment before he spoke again. "After everything that we've been through it's still difficult to believe how inconceivably lucky I am that you are mine."

I smiled, calmly now. "Forever and always," I whispered into his face.

The crooked smile that colored his perfect features then proved too much for me. I met him half way as he leaned in to kiss me fully on the lips this time. My arms tightened around his neck, crushing myself against him as he pressed me gently against the tree – it didn't last long.

"Hey!" Emmett's booming voice echoed from somewhere deep in the surrounding trees. "Are you two coming or not?!"

I smiled and laughed quietly as Edward let me go, pulling me along beside him again by the hand. "Don't worry," he murmured in my ear as we began walking again, too quickly for humans. "We'll have plenty of opportunity as soon as we're on the honeymoon."

I grinned a little broader and shrugged. "I don't mind," I assured him softly. "spending time with the others is tens of times more enjoyable than it used to be…" – somehow enjoyable didn't seem like the right word. "I love it, actually," I rephrased. "I love _them_."

Edward's answering smile made my breathing flutter a little. "I know," he nodded. "And so do I. We'll be back to see them again before you know it."

I nodded too. "Definitely…but I wanted to try this before we left." My eyes went to the path ahead again and I doubled my pace. I heard Edward chuckle as he broke into a graceful jog to keep up.

Suddenly his tone went in a new direction. "You showed a lot of control out there today," he told me with quiet pride. "Actually that's an understatement," he corrected himself quickly. "I've never seen a vampire of your age manage such close proximity with humans…it's remarkable. You have the control of a hundred-year-old, Bella."

I grinned and looked at the ground a little modestly. "I learned from the best," I told him. "And it was certainly easier once I knew I could do it." I sighed. "Everything was perfect today," I redirected contentedly. "Of course every wedding has its glitches…fortunately my mother getting drunk was the extent of ours."

Edward laughed loudly. "I like your mother," he told me matter-of-factly. "I think she's very…amusing."

I nodded thoughtfully. "That's one word you could use," I acknowledged, making him laugh again.

We had reached the field – the field I hadn't seen in over a year. The field where it all started…the field that was twice as massive as any baseball stadium. I recognized the bare outcrop of rocks, maybe a hundred yards away. I recognized the huge hemlock tree and I recognized the shadow of the Olympic peeks in the distance. I sighed contentedly. I hadn't realized what effect it would have on my life the last time I was here. Talk about catalysts…

This place was what had started it all. And now it was here that I intended on ending it all. All the heartache. The fear and the hate. It all stopped now. Because today I was going to play the game of my life, with my forever family.

Thunder boomed overhead, much louder than it had been before. It was misting a little; static was tangible in the air – perfect weather for a baseball game.

Emmett was staring intently in our direction as we emerged from the trees. "'Bout time you showed up!" He called playfully as he tossed the ball lightly from one massive hand to the other. I could see Carlisle off behind him marking bases – they still looked impossibly far apart, but now I understood how much more interesting that made the game for us. Emmett tossed me the ball. I caught it too effortlessly. "You start pitching, sis," he told me lightly before turning away to jog for one of the bases, but I stopped him.

"Actually," I called, chasing a few steps after him before he stopped. I tossed him back the ball, "I would prefer to referee if you don't mind." I grinned purposefully. "Someone has to keep you hooligans honest."

I could feel Edward's knowing smile on my back and soon it was matched my Emmett's. He nodded more seriously than I was used to. "Sure," he smiled meaningfully before he turned and dashed toward the pitcher's mound himself. He tossed Alice the ball – she was already standing there, ready. Another crash of thunder made my smile grow. The storm was escalating around us as though it knew what it's purpose was for coming to earth.

I raised my eyes to the heavens briefly while the others took their positions on the field – it seemed they had already organized themselves into teams.

"Wait!" Alice called too urgently for my liking. My eyes flew back down to her tiny form in the middle of the field. Her expression was panicked as she glanced around hastily at us. I could see the alarm in her face only too clearly. She locked gazes with me. "Someone's coming!" She exclaimed.

I felt my breath freeze in my throat as her words sank in. I'd seen that look in her eyes before – heard that urgency in her voice. _Oh no. No, no, no, no, no. _This wasn't happening. Not again. Not now. This was what had started it all from the very beginning. This place was where we had first crossed paths with James, Victoria and Laurent. It was because of a game like this that they had chosen to pursue me in the first place – it had nearly cost me my life and Edward's too as a result.

Had it been foolish of me to drag them here again? Was I simply pushing the temptation of fate too far? It had been a mistake. I never should have brought it all back down to this. I never should have…

But suddenly as I watched, a broad, knowing grin broke Alice's pixie-like features. She laughed. "Just kidding."

My breathing jump started again and I had to work to quiet the trembling in my knees. "Alice, that was _not _funny!" I snarled from across the field, although I found myself smiling out of sheer relief as she continued to chime with silvery laughter. The others were laughing too, and suddenly the delight of it all washed over me with staggering abruptness. We really _were _okay. I could see it now.

It was all over and if we could go as far as to laugh about it, then there was no reason we could get through anything that would come our way in the future. Hesitantly at first, and then more confidently, I laughed too, allowing the feeling to take me in. This was good. This was very good.

"Alright!" I called in a clear voice after another minute of amusement – I had to work to speak through my own hysterics. "Batter up!" I moved to the edge of the field, standing exactly where I had the last time, with Esme. I would have to do her proud. As I'd said to Emmett – someone had to keep her family in line.

Emmett had moved back to where home plate had apparently been set, the aluminum bat tight in hand. Just as it had been before, Jasper was catching, Edward was far out in left field, Carlisle stood between the first and second base marks, while Alice was pitching. Edward winked at me as Alice readied herself to toss the first pitch. I smiled.

I saw her hand dart out in that familiar, deceptively stealthy motion, the ball moving nearly too quickly for even me to keep an eye on. Emmett swung and the bat, making it a blur in the heavy, warm air. The answering crack was one that almost made me cover my ears in distaste. It was louder than any thunder I'd ever heard and it hurt a little to the overly sharp ears; even so, it made me smile with content excitement.

Emmett was already running, headed for first as Carlisle bounded for the ball, racing his son to first base. There was another audible crack as the two collided. "Safe!" I called before they had a chance to argue about it.

Emmett stood up to his full height again, clearly pleased with himself and even a little smug as Carlisle backed off to his former position.

Then Jasper was up, Alice flashing him a row of brilliantly white teeth as her hand flicked out again unexpectedly, intent on striking him out. The first strike took him by surprise and he fielded the ball back to her, not losing his confidence in the least. She pitched again. Somehow he hit it this time, sending it in an impossibly quick fly to left field. Edward ran. So did his two brothers. As I watched, Emmett slid into home easily but Jasper was just coming around to second when Edward emerged from the trees again, the ball in hand. He hadn't caught it – I knew that – but he'd still gotten to it with remarkable speed.

_Home run, _my human instincts led me to believe, but then I could remember Esme's words the first time we'd played. _Wait, _she'd told me, her eyes on the field with almost amusing intentness. _Edward runs the fastest. _Yes, I remembered that now.

Edward was catching up at an impossible speed. Jasper was racing for home, confident that he had enough time. He didn't. Edward slid into him only fractions of a second before he hit home plate. The boom of 'supposed' thunder was deafening this time.

"Out!" I cried in a clear voice ringing with authority.

Jasper's expression was more than indignant as he turned to look at me. "I am not!" He protested.

I opened my mouth to argue but Edward beat me to it. "Yes, you are, Jasper!" He confirmed hastily. "I tagged you before you slid in!"

Jasper was already shaking his head, stubborn. "No!" He took a step away from the plate. "I'm sure you tagged me right here! There's no way –"

I rolled my eyes, fully aware of what had to be done. "Boys!" I growled from where I stood. They stopped arguing immediately, their expressions defeated as they looked at me. I pointed back to left field and Edward sighed, trudging back over to it. I looked at Jasper meaningfully and he returned to his catching position.

And then I smiled. I was sure I heard laughter on the wind.

**THE END.**


End file.
